Dear GoodTherapy.org,
First of all, my partner does not hit, abuse, or commit any acts of violence toward me. It’s the main reason I haven’t left yet. I’m writing because I’m curious whether addiction alone is a valid justification for leaving.
I’ve heard of the “three A’s” (abuse, addiction, and affairs) that are warning signs and signals a relationship is in trouble. And I know everyone probably thinks their case is special, or that their lover is different than anyone else who abuses, cheats, or develops an addiction. I am aware the cards are stacked against me. So how does an optimistic person weigh all of those “givens” and make a choice about the future of a relationship?
I have so much hope that my boyfriend will realize one day soon the strain his alcoholism puts on his health, our finances, and the plans we make. I catch glimpses of this realization occasionally when he sobers up (briefly). He has agreed to get help once or twice, but it never lasts. We’ve known each other for over a decade, and I loved the person I met all those years ago! I’m exhausted and sick of being the one person to try to remind him who he was.
Am I foolish for holding out hope that he will one day be that person again? Is there a chance I could get him the help he needs? —Hoping Against Hope
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Dear Hoping,
Thank you for writing, and I’m sorry you’re in such a difficult situation.
The short answer to your first question (is addiction a valid reason for leaving?) is yes, with this caveat: it’s not so much the “addiction,” per se, but your boyfriend’s “straining” behavior (as you put it) while under the influence.
Your excellent question also signals one of the reasons living with an addicted partner is difficult: the dual nature of the person’s personality (sober versus not sober). It’s like living with two people, but only you know it. When something this distressing is unacknowledged, a person can start to feel like they’re losing their mind. This lack of acknowledgment of your experience creates a sense of isolation that is itself is a form of abuse, where “crazy” starts to feel normalized or we become numb to it—until it grabs our attention again and we ask ourselves, “Why the hell do I put up with this?”
Except it’s hard to say “get lost” to the sober version of the person we care about. That version may show remorse, contrition, regret, etc., a stark contrast to the non-sober version’s selfish, mean, and spiteful behavior. Episodes of the latter are often forgotten or downplayed by the sober version, perhaps accompanied by an apology that rings rather hollow.
You have an extremely difficult decision to make, and for that you may need support. You can look for Al-Anon meetings—highly recommended—near you by doing an internet search. There are also online support groups, books on living with an addicted partner, and so on. There are also highly trained and skilled counselors and therapists who specialize in addiction and living with an addicted partner. I urge you to get support before you make any big decisions.
Some prefer meetings to therapy; with others it’s the other way around. I find that a combination of therapy and meetings can be most helpful. In meetings, we find others who can relate to us, to cut down on that soul-wrenching isolation, shame, and other pain.
Addiction puts everyone, including the addicted person, in a no-win situation. Just as someone with alcoholism can’t seem to live with or without the bottle, you love your boyfriend but can’t live with or without him. Leaving and staying are difficult.
Addiction puts everyone, including the addicted person, in a no-win situation. Just as someone with alcoholism can’t seem to live with or without the bottle, you love your boyfriend but can’t live with or without him. Leaving and staying are difficult. There is no “right thing to do,” necessarily. Even partners who are physically abused (men included) can find it terribly difficult to leave; it is hard to leave someone we love, especially if we have a history of tolerating emotional abuse, relational chaos, or trauma. (We often cannot help being attracted to what is familiar.)
You would not be shamefully “dumb” to stay, nor shamefully “selfish” to leave. In fact, sometimes it is such a gamble that jars the addicted person back to reality. It is usually action, not just talk, that gets a partner’s attention.
Some might suggest it’s important to have compassion for the addicted person, and I would agree—to a point. Have compassion, yes, but also set boundaries against hurtful behavior you have nothing to do with and cannot influence.
A good therapist can help you do the painful work of taking care of yourself. We can feel guilty or neglectful if we set boundaries and look after ourselves, especially when an addicted person under the influence lashes out at us for “ignoring” them. But as with a child in tantrum, consistent and firm limits are important.
My usual advice to people in your situation—barring anything life-threatening or physically injurious—is to take very small but manageable baby steps. For instance, telling your partner (while he’s sober), in as neutral a way as possible, what behaviors are hurtful to you, and what you can and cannot tolerate. Start small. Example: “I need to talk to you. Is this a good time?” If not, “When is good? Tonight at dinner?” Then, at the right time: “I don’t mean to criticize, and this is a little hard to say, but please stop lashing out at me late at night. It really hurts.” You might add, if the hint is not obvious enough, “You seem more angry and attacking when you drink.” Again, try to stay with a neutral tone with a focus on your own pain rather than your partner. Other-focused comments such as, “Boy, you’re one angry drunk,” or, “When are you going to stop drinking like a fish?” are unlikely to lead in a positive direction.
One can argue facts, but not feelings. If a partner is unwilling to listen to feelings, consistently stonewalls, or becomes defensive, then the relationship is in trouble—addictive behavior or no addictive behavior.
If your partner says, “Well, you hurt me too! Stop being so critical!” you can say, “Okay, I’m willing to hear feedback too. Can we both agree to do some work on this together?” If you are both struggling with this, relationship counseling can greatly help. The point is to work toward peace and productive communication, not the same old cycle over and over again. Some people reading this might say, “Why is it up to me? I’m not the addicted person here.” To which I would say, quoting Al-Anon, “Do you want to be right? Or do you want to feel safer and happier in your relationship?”
If these conversations go nowhere, and if efforts to get outside help fail, then perhaps leaving becomes the only realistic option. Again, sending a firm message—I cannot tolerate such hurtful behavior—is crucial. Though difficult, making such a decision may do wonders for your self-esteem and sense of empowerment. It may also trigger sadness or grief.
I wish you the best of luck, and again reiterate that you are not alone. Please seek support. Admitting a need for help—for you or for a loved one you can’t seem to get through to—is often the bravest thing a person can do.
Kind regards,
Darren
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