My Partner Is Overly Defensive. How Can I Lower His Guard?

I am 25 and in a relationship with a man who is 12 years my senior. We see eye to eye on a lot of important goals, values, and interests, and share a very loving, affectionate, understanding relationship. However, there is one difference in personalities that seems to make little arguments far worse than they need to be. My partner has been married twice before (first to his high school sweetheart, and then to a woman he dated for six years), and in both marriages his partner turned out to be controlling, unaffectionate, and unaccepting of his values and beliefs. Since then, he has nursed a lot of insecurity, shame, and regret, and now carries a philosophy of "I am going to be myself no matter what, and I will change for no one." Though I applaud him for being true to himself, I have noticed that even when I bring up the small concerns (e.g., looking at other women too much, forgetting to unload the dishwasher, not initiating sex as often as I would like), he says that he feels attacked, gets defensive, tries to use humor to detract from the issue, and (at its worst) stonewalls me. I have tried softening my start-up, mentioning more positives than negatives in an argument, and even telling him directly that if he doesn't want to apologize for his behavior it would make me feel more connected if he at least apologizes for hurting my feelings. Alas, I have only made marginal headway, and I am starting to get frustrated. Any suggestions? —Out of Ideas
Dear Out of Ideas,

Thanks for your question. I can imagine your chagrin at your husband shifting from what sounds like frequent acquiescence to “no more Mr. Doormat.” The problem, however, is that in his new “take no prisoners” approach he has become rigid and defensive. At least in some areas; you say he is loving and affectionate, though the defensiveness sounds anything but. Is there a particular topic that seems to trigger his hard-line stands?

I don’t know if you’re familiar with the impressive work of John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, but they list defensiveness and stonewalling as two of the “Four (marital) Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” (Contempt and criticism are the others.) Because compromise and flexibility are key to an evolving relationship, I can understand your frustration and hurt feelings. Good you’re addressing it, otherwise resentment and withdrawal may ensue. It sounds like you are starting to feel what he felt in his previous marriages, except in this new casting you are expected to say “OK” to everything, and clearly that is not going to work.

I guess one question I would have is, does he really understand how his new attitude is hurting you? I suppose from a psychodynamic point of view one might say he is defending against feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem, but he is shifting all of the focus on the outside instead of processing the hurt feelings that may still remain from his previous marriage. You say he is dealing with insecurity, shame, and regret from his previous marriage, all painful, yes—but something to share with you in a tender way, or with a therapist to process and move beyond these internal reactions. (I’m not sure why I’m saying this, but intuitively I sense it might be good for him to find a male therapist to discuss this with, or even a men’s therapy group to find his own voice in all this, without having to go to extremes.)

In any event, it is never a good idea to meet rigidity with rigidity, at least when it comes to relationships (we can see how great it works in the nation’s capital, too). Lasting intimacy rests on trust, and trust requires vulnerability, acknowledgment, mutuality, and an atmosphere of empathy. Your husband seems empathically disconnected from his behavior, which forces you to pull back to protect yourself. I suggest you sit down and tell him how you feel when he acts in such a defensive manner. Try to focus on your own feelings, as opposed to “you’re being defensive,” etc. I find it more effective to say “it really hurts and feels like you don’t care when you …” The hope is that he will listen with his heart and understand that he is harming his beloved with this new stance (the flip side of total acquiescence), and will be motivated to change. Finally, if nothing else works, some marriage counseling might help you talk to each other in a way that breeds closeness rather than hurt. Thanks again for writing.

Respectfully,
Darren

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT is a psychotherapist specializing in treating alcoholism and drug addiction as well as co-occurring issues such as anxiety, depression, relationship concerns, secondary addictions (especially sex addiction), and trauma (both single-incident and repetitive). He works in a variety of modalities, primarily cognitive behavioral, spiritual/recovery-based, and psychodynamic. He is certified in eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, and continues to receive psychodynamic training in treating relational trauma, including emotional abuse/neglect and physical and sexual abuse.
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  • Carla

    November 22nd, 2013 at 12:45 PM

    Maybe he is putting up these defenses because it is his way of protecting against being hurt again?

    Reply

  • Kat

    June 28th, 2016 at 1:26 PM

    So what? That’s not his new partner’s job to deal with.

    Reply

  • Kirsten

    June 30th, 2016 at 9:49 AM

    Listen to Kat! I used to excuse poor behaviors on beh,after of my partner. It was easier to do that than believe someone who sapossed to respect my feelings actually didnt. It’s similar to diaagnosing someone with a personality disorder than to accept a loved one may just have bad behaviors we shouldn’t accept.

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