Wow. It sounds like you feel like you’ve really had the rug pulled out from under you. It’s certainly understandable; you’ve had daily contact for three years and it has suddenly ceased. The sense of loss you are feeling is likely compounded by how literally life-saving this communication was for you. The absence of it seems to have left you feeling very alone in dealing with a tremendous amount of anxiety. You indicated that your therapist believes that you are ready for this, so I’m wondering if the two of you have discussed the possibility of this uptick in anxiety and created a plan for handling it. If not, it might be helpful to spend some time talking about this in session. While it might very well be time to eliminate this particular source of support, it makes sense to have some strategies in place to fill this void.
The therapeutic relationship that forms between a client and a therapist is a very special and unique relationship. It is healing and powerful and not at all a fantasy. From what you have said, I feel confident that your therapist does care very much about you—daily emails for three years certainly provide supporting evidence. While you did not conjure up a fantastical relationship where none actually existed, you experienced a heightened version of this already unique relationship. The therapeutic relationship is different from any other kind of relationship, in part, because it is so one-sided. The relationship is designed for the sole purpose of helping the client. Because you were suicidal, you needed even more from your therapist than someone who was not suicidal, and you got more in the form of daily emails. Now that you have made so much progress and the suicidality has abated, your therapist has eliminated the additional support that was needed to get you to where you are today.
Finally, you mention this change in the relationship is tapping into some abandonment issues. While it certainly doesn’t feel like it now, this could be a wonderful opportunity. You see, your therapist has not abandoned you; she is still there for your weekly Monday sessions. She is still there to help you through this transition, and she is still there to help you process the issues of abandonment that this is bringing up for you. Because you have faced so much abandonment in the past, you might see it in the present where it doesn’t really exist. I wouldn’t be surprised if exploring this with your therapist and coming to terms with it is one of the final steps in healing from the abandonment in your past.
Sincerely,
Sarah
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