My Wife Is Pregnant. What If It Isn’t My Child?
Dear Dad by Default,
What a complicated, challenging situation you find yourself in! There is no one way you are supposed to feel. I’d expect you to be more than a bit confused. It sounds as if you and your wife have been able to be open with each other, work things out, and repair your relationship. I definitely recommend calling on the same skills and strategies that have worked for you in the past.
A key question for you to consider: If this child is not biologically yours, will you be able to parent him or her with the unconditional love he or she deserves? I strongly recommend that you dig deep and think about your honest answer to this. It’s tempting to want to be a “good” guy and say sure—but if you don’t think you can do it, you will suffer, your wife will suffer, your relationship will suffer, and this child will suffer.
Regardless of biology, you will be the only father he or she will know. If you are not able to love him or her, if you tolerate this child for the sake of your marriage, it will show in many small ways. Resentments will build, and you may end up losing your relationship down the line. Your wife has been clear that she is having this child. You have to ask yourself if you can get on board or not. This is not an easy question to answer, and I suggest you find someone to talk with to sort through the complicated feelings that come with your situation.
Becoming a parent, even under the best of circumstances, is challenging, and it is a lifetime commitment. It’s not for the faint of heart. It puts stress on relationships. Things will not be the same, ever. It’s incredibly hard. It’s also tremendously rewarding, powerful, and incredibly meaningful. There are many people who choose to parent children who are not biologically theirs, who love them fiercely and devotedly. This is something nobody can decide for you. If you open yourself up to loving this child and commit to being a true father (no matter what the tests say), it will be hard, but it can be amazing. If you don’t think you can do it, you owe it to yourself, to your wife, and to this child to talk about it honestly now.
Best of luck,
Erika
Erika Myers
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Carmen
February 21st, 2014 at 2:48 PMI don’t think that there is any right way or wrong way to actually feel, you feel what you feel, right? I think what’s the most important thing is to sort out how you feel about your wife right now. I know that there must have been some complicated things going on or otherwise the split would not have occured. So hopefully the two of you are working through all of that. I think that you can really show her how much you love her just by sticking with her and being a dad to this baby whether it is your biological child or not. I know that that’s probably a lot to ask of someone but I think that you are at least going to have to give that a try if the two of you are evr going to make this work.
carlton
February 22nd, 2014 at 7:34 AMcut your losses dude if this baby ain’t yours- you wanna be supportin that kind of behavior? If you do you are sayin that it’s all right for her to go out and have iunprotected sex anytime you guys fight and I don’t think that’s the precedent that you wanna set unless you wanna keep on gettin hurt by this woman
Janet
February 24th, 2014 at 4:01 AMMy father was in a similar situation. But he chose to raise me as his own and I am so thankful that he did. I never knew any father than him, but he was the only one I could have ever imagined raising me. He stepped up, he loved us, and we couldn’t have asked for more than that.
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