My Wife Is Pregnant. What If It Isn’t My Child?

February 21, 2014

My wife and I went through a difficult patch six months ago and split for about a month. However, we did have protected sex twice during this split. Well, it turns out she had unprotected sex with an ex-boyfriend during this time as well. She was upfront about this, and we’ve done a lot to repair our relationship since getting back together. Here’s where the story goes Jerry Springer: She ended up pregnant. The ex-boyfriend died in a car accident two months ago. Neither me nor my wife is sure who the father is, but given that the sex with the ex was unprotected, it stands to reason it’s him. (We plan to find out through testing.) Either way, she is adamant that she wants to have the child, and I don’t want to deny her that. If I’m not the father, though, I guess I’m just not sure how I’ll feel. Do I have a right to insist that any child we have be mine? I never thought this might happen. What am I supposed to feel here? —Dad by Default

What a complicated, challenging situation you find yourself in! There is no one way you are supposed to feel. I’d expect you to be more than a bit confused. It sounds as if you and your wife have been able to be open with each other, work things out, and repair your relationship. I definitely recommend calling on the same skills and strategies that have worked for you in the past.

A key question for you to consider: If this child is not biologically yours, will you be able to parent him or her with the unconditional love he or she deserves? I strongly recommend that you dig deep and think about your honest answer to this. It’s tempting to want to be a “good” guy and say sure—but if you don’t think you can do it, you will suffer, your wife will suffer, your relationship will suffer, and this child will suffer.

Regardless of biology, you will be the only father he or she will know. If you are not able to love him or her, if you tolerate this child for the sake of your marriage, it will show in many small ways. Resentments will build, and you may end up losing your relationship down the line. Your wife has been clear that she is having this child. You have to ask yourself if you can get on board or not. This is not an easy question to answer, and I suggest you find someone to talk with to sort through the complicated feelings that come with your situation.

Becoming a parent, even under the best of circumstances, is challenging, and it is a lifetime commitment. It’s not for the faint of heart. It puts stress on relationships. Things will not be the same, ever. It’s incredibly hard. It’s also tremendously rewarding, powerful, and incredibly meaningful. There are many people who choose to parent children who are not biologically theirs, who love them fiercely and devotedly. This is something nobody can decide for you. If you open yourself up to loving this child and commit to being a true father (no matter what the tests say), it will be hard, but it can be amazing. If you don’t think you can do it, you owe it to yourself, to your wife, and to this child to talk about it honestly now.

Best of luck,

Erika

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