My Wife Wants an Open Marriage. I Don’t. Now What?

After 17 years of marriage (no kids), my wife told me she would like to open our marriage. This would mean allowing each other to sleep with other people. She says she has been doing a lot of reading about it and has a work friend who is in an open relationship and it works for her. I am outraged by the suggestion as I feel it is a major threat to our marriage. I love and value my wife way too much to allow her to have sex with other men. I know that I would be extremely jealous and could not handle it. She says it would be "just sex," we would make the rules in advance, no feelings involved. It sounds so simple but I am not sure that is how it works. My wife says she has thought about it a lot and she thinks she could handle me having intimate relations with another woman. She says the way she would approach it is with total honesty and communication to make sure everyone feels OK about it. She says that either one of us would have veto power. I don't want to sleep with other women, believe it or not. I don't want to have to wield veto power! I just don't get why she feels like she wants to do this. She says the idea would be to just "spice things up" and "keep things fresh" and that she thinks it could ultimately bring us closer together. We have a great sex life, which I think she would agree with. I'm so bewildered by this. I feel like my options are: (1) refuse to play along and hope she can respect that and stay happy and faithful; (2) pursue a divorce; (3) allow her to play outside the marriage while I stay true; or (4) both of us try it and hope for the best. Is couples therapy another option? I think I would find it humiliating to tell another person about this, and it might not even help anyway. —Open-Ended
Dear Open-Ended,

Thanks for your question. I can only imagine your bewilderment and confusion; things are humming along fine and suddenly, out of nowhere, your wife is asking you to play the “keys in the bowl” game from the 1970s. It sounds like you have a strong marital connection and are completely taken aback by the question, which is understandable. I would feel the same in your shoes.

Here is the key quote, far as I’m concerned: “She says it would be ‘just sex,’ we would make the rules in advance, no feelings involved. It sounds so simple but I am not sure that is how it works.” Frankly, I’m not sure that it works, period. To my mind there is no such thing as “just sex.” We westernized, Cartesian types seem to think we can neatly separate mind and body, but this is a conceptual fantasy that I think has to be done away with. Emotion is irreversibly intertwined with every facet of our being. Even being extremely intellectual has emotional overtones; lack of emotion (coldness, sternness, etc.) is itself an emotion or affect, as we say in psychology. This “no feelings involved” doesn’t make sense because clearly your wife is expressing some desire (i.e., a feeling) for a new sexual experience. The question is, why?

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Because of the intensely physical nature of sex, we tend to think of it as outside the spectrum of the day-to-day relationship—its own special category. I find, though, that the couples who relate together mate together. Sex is on a continuum that includes the mundane interactions of paying bills, housework, schedules, and so on. It puts too much pressure on a couple to have a somewhat routine existence drained of spontaneity and playfulness and then expect sparks in the bedroom. My hunch—from a distance, of course—is that your wife feels something is missing and wants to go outside the relationship to find it. Why is that? What is she not finding between the two of you that she needs to take such an emotional risk of bringing another partner into it? And it is a risk, no matter what anyone says. Sex involves desires that are unconscious, and the latter is always a wild card (which is part of sexuality’s exciting appeal). Of course, my attitude would be different if you were in favor, but you’re obviously strongly opposed.

Are there ways in which she can express some of those desires with you? Is she afraid of hurting your feelings by not saying something or making a request for something new? Is this request for openness a round-about way of expressing dissatisfaction? Are there ways you two can “shake things up” a bit in the romance and sex department? A weekend away, a dance class, a vacation, a little role play? Is there a part of her she wants to let out but is afraid? (Not to be cynical, but I almost wondered when I read your letter if she already had someone in mind.)

You might want to have a serious talk with your wife or even seek some couples counseling to help her understand how unhappy this idea is making you, and how rattled and bewildered you are in light of it. I think you owe it to yourself, and the marriage, to do all you can to try and seek together, rather than separately, a solution or compromise that allows you both to find satisfaction; you have that rare successful marriage that has endured for many years, and that is definitely worth protecting. It would be tragic for it to slip away due to lack of understanding or withheld feelings or desires. Thanks again for writing.

Best,
Darren

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT is a psychotherapist specializing in treating alcoholism and drug addiction as well as co-occurring issues such as anxiety, depression, relationship concerns, secondary addictions (especially sex addiction), and trauma (both single-incident and repetitive). He works in a variety of modalities, primarily cognitive behavioral, spiritual/recovery-based, and psychodynamic. He is certified in eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, and continues to receive psychodynamic training in treating relational trauma, including emotional abuse/neglect and physical and sexual abuse.
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  • veronica

    August 29th, 2014 at 1:19 PM

    This has always seemed to me a way for some marriages to get into serious trouble especially when one partner wants this type of relationship and the other does not. Tread carefully my friend

    Reply

  • the coopers

    February 2nd, 2016 at 11:03 PM

    Hi me and my wife have been married for 19 years and we started having a open marriage about 10 years ago and we still
    Love and respect each other but
    My question is my wife has a hard time talking about her fantasys or
    Sex in general we want to know if sex therapy would help her and me to talk and be more open with each other or would getting hipmatized would be a option and a better solution? Thank you for your help

    Reply

  • Damon

    October 26th, 2019 at 7:47 AM

    My wife and I have been in our open marriage for nearly 20 years and it was her idea to “enhance” our marriage. She has been with some women over the years but mainly younger men. She has several times help secure dates for me. She has always got very excited with me watching her make love to other men, which turns us both on. At 59 years old she is still a very beautiful and sexy woman, she claims that lots of sex helps women stay trim and happy. At 59 she regularly dates guys 20 years younger ! We both are glad that we made the move to “Open” and while I seem to be slower to acquire new lady friends, she has had at least 50 guys over a 20 year period! We have always been descrete and none of our local friends know. For us its been an exciting life!

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