She’s Everything I Want in a Woman—Except She’s Religious

I am an atheist and, in my early adult years, came to strongly detest the forces of religious influence on society and the world. I could never see myself going to church, and it's hard for me not to think about people who do as anything other than brainwashed. Have I met some nice, smart, religious people? Of course I have. In fact, that's the root of my question. About four months ago I met a woman who is everything I want in a partner—funny, kind, generous, good with kids, smart, sexy, accomplished, and fun. The problem, as I see it, is that she is deeply religious, to the point that she not only goes to church every week and volunteers at every opportunity, but also constantly talks about God and how her relationship with Jesus is the most important thing in her life. As strange or insensitive as this might sound, I don't want to come second to Jesus (or any other invisible man) in my partner's life. She knows I'm not religious, but I've spared her my harsher assessments of religion, as I don't want to offend her. But it's all too much for me. Everything is great with this woman until she starts talking about her faith. She has asked me to go to church with her, just to experience it with her, and I've made up an excuse not to go each time. I really have strong feelings for this woman, but I don't know if I can handle this. I'm sure the obvious answer here is "Well then move on," but matters of the heart aren't always that simple. I really care about her. I want this to work. I just don't know if it can. —Me of Little Faith
Dear Me of Little Faith,

Can relationships between people who share very different faiths work? Absolutely—but only if they also share a profound respect for one another and their respective beliefs. Does your girlfriend expect her partner (and perhaps future husband) to have an active shared religious life with her? If so, and if you are certain that this path is not for you, that is a conversation better to be had sooner rather than later.

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If you are open to sharing her experiences, that’s another story. It is also possible to share experiences without necessarily sharing the same beliefs. There are many people who accompany their partners to services that may not reflect their own personal spirituality or beliefs. As long as the expectations you have of one another are clear and accepted by both of you, faith differences do not have to be a deal-breaker.

As long as the expectations you have of one another are clear and accepted by both of you, faith differences do not have to be a deal-breaker.

What is most important is that the two of you have some open and honest conversations about your personal beliefs and the vision you each have for your future. Right now it’s just the two of you negotiating your relationship, but what might happen if you were to eventually start a family together? I imagine she might want her children to share in her faith and her experiences. Is that something you can see yourself accepting and supporting?

There are many families that make it work despite mixing very different religious views. Only the two of you can decide if that path will work for you. These are important conversations to have now and not months or years down the line. If you need help having these conversations, you may want to consult a couples counselor who has experience in issues related to faith-based differences.

Best of luck!
Erika

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC is a licensed psychotherapist and former educator specializing in working with families in transition (often due to separation or divorce) as well as individuals seeking support with relationship issues, parenting, depression, anxiety, grief/loss/bereavement, and managing major life changes. Although her theoretical orientation is eclectic, she most frequently uses a person-centered, strengths-based approach and cognitive behavioral therapy in her practice.
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  • Connie

    May 22nd, 2015 at 10:43 AM

    I’m kind of surprised that she isn’t the one who has a problem with your beliefs.

    Reply

  • david

    November 1st, 2023 at 12:21 AM

    I think that your statement is very unfair. Why would she have a “problem” with his non religious views? Sounds a bit judgmental to me. My girlfriend is Colombian and has attempted for me to go to church with her, and “trust in the Lord” I hate this about our relationship, and told her that I respect her beliefs, however I am not going to be “converted” to her thoughts, and pressures to follow her beliefs. I recently was in the car and her Colombian Mother was saying a 10 minute prayer for safety, starting of with the sign of the cross, It makes me uncomfortable.

    Reply

  • courtney

    May 22nd, 2015 at 2:02 PM

    This could be a point in your life where you have started to question your own position on things and what better way to get a different perspective than to let someone with completely opposing views in to show you a different way.

    Reply
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