Should I Give My Emotionally Abusive Husband Another Chance?

I filed for divorce several months ago from my husband of almost 16 years. It was a very difficult decision to make; however, I finally believed that he had crossed the line with his verbal and emotional abuse. We have two children and he is a good dad, but I sometimes see the abusive behavior toward the kids as well (NEVER physical). Anyway, from the day he was served with the divorce papers, he has been begging, pleading, crying, etc., for me to cancel the divorce and give him another chance. There has been a lot of emotional manipulation mixed in as well ("Give it one more try for the kids," and, "How can you just give up on your family?"). He swears over and over he has changed his ways. He still tells me every day that he loves me, listing things out that he has changed about him. He has always been very controlling, and now he states that I can come and go as I please and that he won't check my phone, track me, etc. I am now allowed to travel again for work. He will have a positive attitude and not run his mouth in public, especially when it comes to the kids. He will get along with my family and stop keeping me from them (he doesn't care for them). The list goes on and on. I tell him repeatedly that he needs to change for him, not me. I know this was abuse, but what I really am seeking is how can I be sure that he cannot change? I am holding strong (with the help of therapy) and continuing with the divorce process, but in the meantime, I have doubts every now and then and that I really should give him another chance. Especially for our kids. No one around me sees that point of view! My therapist, my lawyer, my dad, my friends, etc. Ultimately, I know that I am the one that must make the decision, and even though I feel that it is too late in my heart, I want to make sure that I have exhausted every thought and rationalization about this entire mess to giving it another shot. Please help! —Doubtful on Divorce
Dear Doubtful on Divorce,

You are in a tough spot. You have been married for 16 years, and of course there’s a part of you that would love to see him change and spare all of you the challenges that come with restructuring your family. That makes total sense to me. I can’t tell you what to do, but I think one of the most telling parts of your question is the presence of apparent emotional manipulation in his pleas to give him a second chance. I say “apparent” because, although his pleas feel manipulative to you and might very well be strategic, we have to leave open the possibility that the guilt trips are unintentional manifestations of the pain your husband is experiencing. You would know better than me how authentic those pleas are.

Whatever the case, though, it’s clear that he has some work to do. There are plenty of other signals in your narrative—verbal and emotional abuse, controlling/limiting/tracking behaviors, denying social connections—that should alarm you. Those signals are not consistent with a healthy relationship.

The way I see it, here are the possible scenarios: he has or has not changed and you do or do not call off the divorce. Best case, he has changed and you call off the divorce and, with the help of a marriage counselor, develop a strong and healthy relationship. Worst case, you call off the divorce and it becomes clear in the following weeks/months/years that he has not changed and he reverts to abusive behaviors.

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I can’t tell you the likelihood of either scenario in your specific situation, but in my experience, change like the kind your husband is talking about takes time and committed work. In the meantime, I would be concerned about your well-being and the well-being of your children. His intentions may be to change, but there is significant work to be done to implement those changes consistently. Has he started working with a counselor to address his behaviors? How does he react when you don’t give him answers he likes? Do you feel heard, accepted, and safe? If the answer is not a resounding “yes,” there is still work to be done.

Let’s look at some alternative scenarios. What if you continue with the divorce and he shows he is committed to changing? There is nothing to say you can’t let him back into your life in the future if you trust that his changes are real and you feel safe doing so.

If you continue with the divorce, however, and the negative behaviors continue or escalate, you will know that you made the right decision. It is not unusual for the angry party to try to place the blame for his or her reaction on the other person; if only you had taken him back, it would be different. Don’t buy into that. Either he will choose to operate in this world in a peaceful, kind manner, or he won’t. If his choice is dependent on getting what he wants, then that change is not likely to last.

Best of luck!
Erika

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC is a licensed psychotherapist and former educator specializing in working with families in transition (often due to separation or divorce) as well as individuals seeking support with relationship issues, parenting, depression, anxiety, grief/loss/bereavement, and managing major life changes. Although her theoretical orientation is eclectic, she most frequently uses a person-centered, strengths-based approach and cognitive behavioral therapy in her practice.
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  • Stella

    October 24th, 2014 at 10:54 AM

    I don’t think that I would make any kind of decisions about this right now. I think that the two of you together need to engage in some counseling to even try to determine if the marriage is worth holding onto. I would have to know why all of the interest in staying married now when he has always been so abusive and manipulative over the years. Does he genuinely love you or is he just afraid of being alone? If it were me, I think that I would stay the course with the way things are right now and until he did something significant to convince me that he was a changed man, I would insist that we go to counseling before making any other decision that could ultimately coem back to bite you in a very bad way.

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  • Marcie

    August 23rd, 2017 at 8:54 AM

    It has been so therapeutic reading everyone’s comments. It’s hard to believe/accept emotional abuse is so prevalent.

    Reply

  • Deli

    February 14th, 2018 at 8:44 PM

    Hi everyone!
    I’ve been married only 7 months…I admit catching on to some red flags of controlling, verbal and emotional abuse from my husband when we were dating but I chose to only focus on his good side since at the time, he was really sweet, charming, confident, intelligent, full of love and affection plus financially wise.. we only dated 2 months and married on the whim. I was excited to finally be with someone who wanted to settle down and build a family. I was tired of dating. While we were dating, he would get upset when I didn’t answer my phone , and cuss angrily and say things like”it’s a cell phone, common sense should tell you to carry it with you, because you know I’d call”… When I inform him that I don’t like him taking to me in that manner, he’d say I’m being childish. That was how most of our arguments would start in the initial stages of our relationship. In went into this marriage knowing about the anxiety, depression, anger, insecurity and pain he has stemming from his childhood and his past relationship (having been cheated on by his ex-wife, divorced and had connection to their daughter) from what he tells me, he loved his daughter so much that he had to let her go, that he couldn’t stand how his ex wife works tell him to ask permission from her new husband before he comes speak with his own daughter (contributed a ton to his depression)
    I was involved in church and small group before we met and got married. He showed interest and support for both in the beginning. Then he started expressing to me he didn’t like certain members of our small and the fact that my ex boyfriend was part of it. He would argue with me about petty stuff: when I’m in small group and I don’t call or text him, or inform him as soon as I get it. I had to give up volunteer services at church because that was cutting into the time we had together, he would call me when I’m with friends and have stay on the phone with him, not really talking about anything and when I ask to just call him back when I’m done with my friends he’ll say “so you don’t have time for your husband” “i guess I’m not your priority” “you’re showing me that your friends are more important and your much happier with them”and If I dared to tell that my samll group is a big part of who I am as a woman (the happy, confident, strong woman that he met and fell in love with)he getuoset and says Im not show to stand on my own as a married woman and I need my friends to coach me. And he doesn’t like it because most of them are single… we’ve had Countless arguments like these and I’m mainly the person that will initiate peace, to move on because it’s not contributing anything to our marriage but he drags me further into it and at the end we are both emotionally drained. He’s super insecure when I’m at work or whenever we’re not together in the same place. Sometimes heell call me and during the conversation he would say he can hear male voices around me and ask who I’m with. He he never believes me when I say I’m with female friends or co workers…or even I tell him if I met with with male client. He’d be curious to Know if I if I’m flirting with them . He expects me to talk him through the day when I’m at work and if I have to call him back so I can finish a task or make business calls he expects me to call him back in acerrain time period and when I don’t that’s another argument I get dragged into. I continuously have to explain what I’m doing only for him to answer with stuff like “oh, i bet!” And in explaining myself to him he’ll accuse me of having an attitude, or acting up because I’m at work and treating him like a piece if shit in front today people at work..which is false. There’s never and an end to these petty argument, the only end is when I accept blame for what happened, for ‘making’ him fell made or upset…disprespecting him”. On Dec 26 2017, he snapped when I called him insecure for asking me if I’m still communication with my ex boyfriend…he was at work and I was home…he drove home in the company vehicle, punched a hole in the wall damaged some items in the house, dragged my clothes and tosed them in the trash can , hurled items at me, screaming and asking to leave. He called me a b***, lazy, dumb, retarded etc…I was terrified and tried to talk to him to calm him down, nothing was making sense to me…I knew he has gun in a safe and I was scared, I called an Uber to try to leave and he restrained me and almost got into a fight with the Uber driver because he threatened him with knife , I was forced to go back into the house ..he told me I was making a scene in front of our neighbors. He went back to work and came back home ,acting completely normal like nothing had happens. I’d informed my mom and close friend of what was happening and they’d advised that I report to cops and leave. I was just too scared and plus I didn’t want my husband to get in trouble or endanger his job…so I stayed and it got worse. He got drunk and started acting like a manaic, cursing in my face and asking why I I’m planning to leave him. He locked the front door and closed the blinds and threw more stuff around. I ended calling the cops after he shattered the glass table and heard him open the safe for the gun. I ran I’ve rto the neighbor’s house ,the alley and called 911. My husband called afterwards and demand that I tell him where I am or he’d blow his brains out..at this point I was shaking..I watched as my husband got handcuffed in front of our house. I went in with the cops and couldn’t find the gun. Fast forward, I packed up and left the house. my husband was out in mental detention for a week. I really wanted to quit and file divorce. He even threatened that. Then he went into the begging mode. Said he’ll change and be the leader in family(we don’t have any kids yet), go to church, get help for his alcohol abuse and even do some counseling. I took m back and we went the Honeymoon phase . His proposed to change only lasted 10days. When I reminded him of any of it he’d say m putting pressure on him…we continued to have emotionally draining arguments , whether at work or home. It’s like he enjoys to bicker with me. On Feb 2, 2018 we had another throwdown and he asked me not to come home(I was at work) and if I did ,I should just pack my stuff and leave. He was done with me (all over us going back and forth with me telling him that there were no male workers around me and said I disrepected him when I called out to the worker to prove to him when they answered that it was a female worker) I went home, my husband has already started packing my stuff..he even there some stuff out on the lawn . I left that day for my safety and for my sanity. He demanded the house key and the marriage certificate. Sice that day, he’s begging, swearing stuff on his daughter and on his life, that he’s going to get rid of his anger, jealousy and insecurirand never fight with me again. He wants me to come home and watch TV with him again, he sends me pictures from all the great times we’ve had, and tells me to look at them and see how.much love we got between us. …it’s Valentine’s day today and he’s still asking me to come back .. I’m in a place now that I don’t want to go back, he feels I’m going to divorce and wants me to give us a chance. And for for him to “prove and show’ me that he can be better. I want to separate from him and use this time to heal and reagin some dignity for my self…he thinks we can do it together under the same roof but I know better. I need to tell him but I don’t know how to say it…I wldont want him to get enraged or snap and do anything crazy. I’m so glad to have found this website, it has helped get outside my head and really enlightened me on so much that I didn’t understand. I welcome all feedback on what my next steps shd be. I want to give it a chance but I don’t know if he’s going to stick to his word and actually make changes . Thank you.

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