Should I Give My Emotionally Abusive Husband Another Chance?

October 24, 2014

I filed for divorce several months ago from my husband of almost 16 years. It was a very difficult decision to make; however, I finally believed that he had crossed the line with his verbal and emotional abuse. We have two children and he is a good dad, but I sometimes see the abusive behavior toward the kids as well (NEVER physical). Anyway, from the day he was served with the divorce papers, he has been begging, pleading, crying, etc., for me to cancel the divorce and give him another chance. There has been a lot of emotional manipulation mixed in as well ("Give it one more try for the kids," and, "How can you just give up on your family?"). He swears over and over he has changed his ways. He still tells me every day that he loves me, listing things out that he has changed about him. He has always been very controlling, and now he states that I can come and go as I please and that he won't check my phone, track me, etc. I am now allowed to travel again for work. He will have a positive attitude and not run his mouth in public, especially when it comes to the kids. He will get along with my family and stop keeping me from them (he doesn't care for them). The list goes on and on. I tell him repeatedly that he needs to change for him, not me. I know this was abuse, but what I really am seeking is how can I be sure that he cannot change? I am holding strong (with the help of therapy) and continuing with the divorce process, but in the meantime, I have doubts every now and then and that I really should give him another chance. Especially for our kids. No one around me sees that point of view! My therapist, my lawyer, my dad, my friends, etc. Ultimately, I know that I am the one that must make the decision, and even though I feel that it is too late in my heart, I want to make sure that I have exhausted every thought and rationalization about this entire mess to giving it another shot. Please help! —Doubtful on Divorce

You are in a tough spot. You have been married for 16 years, and of course there’s a part of you that would love to see him change and spare all of you the challenges that come with restructuring your family. That makes total sense to me. I can’t tell you what to do, but I think one of the most telling parts of your question is the presence of apparent emotional manipulation in his pleas to give him a second chance. I say “apparent” because, although his pleas feel manipulative to you and might very well be strategic, we have to leave open the possibility that the guilt trips are unintentional manifestations of the pain your husband is experiencing. You would know better than me how authentic those pleas are.

Whatever the case, though, it’s clear that he has some work to do. There are plenty of other signals in your narrative—verbal and emotional abuse, controlling/limiting/tracking behaviors, denying social connections—that should alarm you. Those signals are not consistent with a healthy relationship.

The way I see it, here are the possible scenarios: he has or has not changed and you do or do not call off the divorce. Best case, he has changed and you call off the divorce and, with the help of a marriage counselor, develop a strong and healthy relationship. Worst case, you call off the divorce and it becomes clear in the following weeks/months/years that he has not changed and he reverts to abusive behaviors.

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I can’t tell you the likelihood of either scenario in your specific situation, but in my experience, change like the kind your husband is talking about takes time and committed work. In the meantime, I would be concerned about your well-being and the well-being of your children. His intentions may be to change, but there is significant work to be done to implement those changes consistently. Has he started working with a counselor to address his behaviors? How does he react when you don’t give him answers he likes? Do you feel heard, accepted, and safe? If the answer is not a resounding “yes,” there is still work to be done.

Let’s look at some alternative scenarios. What if you continue with the divorce and he shows he is committed to changing? There is nothing to say you can’t let him back into your life in the future if you trust that his changes are real and you feel safe doing so.

If you continue with the divorce, however, and the negative behaviors continue or escalate, you will know that you made the right decision. It is not unusual for the angry party to try to place the blame for his or her reaction on the other person; if only you had taken him back, it would be different. Don’t buy into that. Either he will choose to operate in this world in a peaceful, kind manner, or he won’t. If his choice is dependent on getting what he wants, then that change is not likely to last.

Best of luck!

Erika

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