Boy, what a stressful situation this must be for everyone. I think your concerns about your children and desires to keep them safe are perfectly normal—and warranted, given the erratic and “disruptive” behavior of your (ex?) husband, which apparently includes visits to jail and mental hospitals. I think the first thing, if you haven’t thought of this already, is to make sure any potential visits (even if Dad is “on his meds” and reportedly doing OK) are strictly supervised. Perhaps the most appropriate thing, if/when he is again permitted to have visits with the children, is to ensure visits are made in very controlled, safe situations. Again, this may have occurred to you already, but there it is.
The main point of your question is how to speak to kids about things that even we adults struggle to comprehend, and that may even frighten us. We Westerners, with our love of hard science, tend to be more at ease with what we can see and touch; mental issues often seem intangible, hard to define and treat with the same precision as physical illnesses. This can create anxiety and frustration, including the question of how to talk to children. Rest assured, there is no “right” way to do this. The only way is trial and error, in the seeking out of that elusive combination of honesty and appropriateness, much of which, of course, depends on your children. Some kids are astonishingly open-minded and earthy about things; others have more anxiety and need to be treated much more delicately. Some 8-year-olds may say matter-of-factly, “So my friends say Dad’s crazy, is that true?” Others may very tentatively say, with much worry, “What’s wrong with Daddy?” The first step is to acknowledge their feelings about what’s happening, validate their experiences (“yes, this stuff is a little scary”), and most importantly to reassure them that his behavior has nothing to do with them. I’m sure their father is a good person in a bad predicament.
Know that it’s OK for you to share some of your own feelings about this, including anxiety, worry, frustration, what have you. It’s likely worth talking about with a friend first, to sort out what you do and don’t want to say to your kids. (For instance, if you’re angry at him, it would be more appropriate to vent to a confidant than the children, though you might say that sometimes you get angry at the behavior, that his illness makes him do things that are hard to understand.) The point is, you are going to be the prime role model in how to handle this. If you are calm and balanced (as best as you can manage), they’ll feel that; if you seem overly anxious, angry, or indifferent, they’ll likely pick up on that, too. I don’t get that impression from your letter, by the way. You seem quite involved and caring.
It’s OK to say “I don’t know” if you don’t know the answer to something. Perhaps you can pursue answers as a family. For instance, there are helpful children’s books on mental issues, available via Google or Amazon. Seeking knowledge and education makes things less scary, and the good news is that, as awful as these issues are, better medications and treatments are coming along, seemingly every other day. (Is it possible, incidentally, that the schizophrenic episodes are connected to the mania? I’m not sure what “bouts of schizophrenia” means, unless you mean bouts of psychosis—visual or aural hallucinations, extreme paranoia, etc.—which can be related to the mania. Fortunately, the medications available are much better than they were, say, even 10 or 20 years ago. Is he regular with his medication? Many with bipolar are not, which only worsens the other symptoms, such as posttraumatic stress, psychosis, etc.)
I also wonder how much of their father’s issues are personality driven. With all due respect, I have worked with people with psychotic and extreme mood issues, and not all of them end up in jail. I don’t want to make any presumptions, but it sounds like he may have some other issues going on that might also explain his illegal and disruptive behaviors. (Does he have a drug problem?)
It’s scary to consider this, and not easy to say, but as parents (and I am one) we want to keep our kids safe, protected, and healthy, but there are limitations to those protections, since we are all too human. One of the very positive things my parents did for me was to take the stigma and fear out of seeking out counseling or therapy. I can’t help thinking that a family therapy session or two might help you—not only to destigmatize the mental health profession (which their dad so obviously needs), but also to allow your children to talk to a professional about their father’s issues. Education and de-escalating fears, again, creates greater emotional safety. These issues are difficult, but they need not be terrifying. Having a professional involved, even briefly, takes some pressure off of you, while it allows you to role-model for them an example of seeking help rather than the pressure of having to know all the answers (who does?).
A long, drawn-out course of therapy may not be needed; however, these kids have been exposed to some pretty disorienting fatherly behavior, and it might be a relief to them to talk freely to someone about their feelings, questions, and perceptions, someone not directly involved. Very often kids are protective of their parents’ feelings, or wary to contradict what they sense one parent is feeling about the other. Speaking openly and freely about their emotional experience could help reduce any potential anxiety.
I hope this is helpful. Your children are lucky to have such a caring, protective mom. Thanks for writing.
Respectfully,
Darren
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