Things Are Good, Yet I Can’t Seem to Relax. What’s Wrong?

Why can't I relax? First, I want to be clear that I have a good life. I have a pretty wife, a good job that pays the bills, a house, etc. Everything is good. But for a while I've been having a hard time relaxing. I noticed that this got bad when I went on vacation with my wife about two months ago. I saved money from work and we went to Mexico to an all-inclusive resort. But most of the vacation I felt tense and uptight for no apparent reason! Also, a lot of people around me tell me to chill out and enjoy my life. They just don't get it. No matter how hard I try, I can't relax. I think I have been this way for a long time. Nothing is new; I just have a lot of stress. We don't have kids. I'm writing because my wife is getting worried about me now and thinks I need help. Sometimes when I'm stressed, I don't want to do things together. Why can't I relax even when things are good? —Restless

Experiencing such discomfort when there is seemingly no reason for the discomfort can be confusing, and even a little scary. You may be comforted to know that it is also quite common. We all have vague feelings of unrest at times, and they often pass just as quickly and mysteriously as they arrived. However, it sounds like this is something that you have been struggling with for a while now, and perhaps it is even intensifying. When these feelings persist, I believe it is a cue that it is time to enlist some support in sorting things out. Partnering with a therapist can provide the supportive relationship and the dedicated time and space to explore this.

Over the years, I’ve had many people come in for therapy with much the same scenario you presented—committed relationship, good job, and stable finances, but unhappy, perpetually anxious, or, as you say, unable to relax. It typically doesn’t take too much probing before we are able to identify one or more areas in someone’s life where there is dissatisfaction. Thoroughly exploring these areas creates an opportunity to develop insight into the source of the unrest. Once there is a deeper understanding of what is actually happening, concrete steps can be taken to address it. Sometimes the solution is less concrete, however. For some, the dilemma is more existential in nature—they are seeking answers to questions about the meaning and purpose of life. In these cases, therapy provides an opportunity to explore these questions while providing the support that may be needed when no definitive answers materialize.

Though I can’t be sure what exactly is causing your unrest, I sense that you have reached a level of frustration that is pushing you to address it. You took the brave step of writing in with your question. I encourage you to continue taking brave steps and find a therapist who can help you sort through what you are experiencing. It might be scary and even painful, but in the end, you just might find yourself able to relax.

Sincerely,

Sarah

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