Why Can’t I Bond with My Kids After My Husband Died?
Dear Widowed,
I am so sorry for your loss. You are understandably grieving. You’ve lost your partner unexpectedly, and if that weren’t enough to cope with, you are also trying to take care of your grieving children—who are likely trying to make sense of an incomprehensible situation. Of course you are struggling.
You get overwhelmed because your reserves of emotional energy are depleted. Having enough to give to three children is challenging in the best of circumstances. Finding ways to give under these circumstances requires superhuman strength. Additionally, if you are feeling bad about taking time for yourself, that “me time” people recommend isn’t replenishing you but rather adding guilty feelings to the mix. I’d be surprised if you weren’t struggling.
Feeling lost and disconnected and sad and angry are absolutely natural responses to all of this. Grief is complex.
You ask if you are afraid of losing your children or afraid they will bring painful memories of your husband. You also wonder if your anger is a factor. The answers are inside you, but based on what you’ve related, in all likelihood yes—to all of it, and probably more. Your world has changed swiftly and dramatically, and not by any choice of your own. Feeling lost and disconnected and sad and angry are absolutely natural responses to all of this. Grief is complex.
The stages of grief—denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance—do not necessarily flow smoothly or quickly. Many people move from one stage to another and back again as memories and feelings are triggered. There is no timeline for moving through your grief and integrating it. Time will help, but so will finding the right kind of support.
If you haven’t already started working with a therapist in your area, I recommend that you find one for yourself and for your children, either together or separately. Having a safe and supportive place to work through all the feelings that come with such a loss and major life transition can help you heal and find your way back to your children … and yourself.
Best of luck,
Erika
Erika Myers
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Dean
March 26th, 2016 at 9:39 AMWere you not bonded with them before his death or do you feel that his death has made it more difficult for you to be with them?
Either way it is good that you are seeking out some help with this.lowry
March 28th, 2016 at 3:23 PMyour kids need you right now too
they have lost a father and they are young and they are probably looking to you to figure out how they are supposed to deal with this loss.
i am not saying that you should ignore what you are feeling because this needs to be addressed…
but really, they are so young, they need you now more than everKarla
March 28th, 2016 at 5:03 PMThis has been a terrible loss for your whole family. I would suspect that the loss of your husband made you very fearful of losing another loved one. Maybe that is why you find yourself pulling away from your children because you in some way think that not being as close to them will help you not feel that pain if indeed something happened to them and you lost them. I don’t know, I’m not trained, it’s just a thought that I had.
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