Why Can’t My Wife Let Me Unwind at the Pub after Work?
Dear Needing Escape,
Thank you for your letter. This kind of issue comes up frequently with couples, particularly early on in one’s marriage or partnership. It often involves a topic that has potent but conflicting meanings for the people involved. A classic, somewhat stereotypical example is the guy who is a fanatic for his home team and MUST watch the game. His spouse (or partner, I use the words interchangeably here) may roll her (or his) eyes or argue or whatnot; clearly, each person sees the activity or event differently. It may be the same for a woman who just HAS to see Bruno Mars or Dave Matthews or Prince for the first or umpteenth time, or buy those Jimmy Choos at 25% off.
In this case, the symbolic “event” or activity revolves around something even more potentially charged with meaning: alcohol and drinking. Alcohol is symbolically loaded (no pun intended) for many who have complicated histories with drinking and corollary activity. I’d be interested—were I your couples counselor (and this is all conjecture, mind you)—to know the roots of your wife’s concerns. Did she have a former partner who drank too much and/or cheated on her? You say, “I don’t think she trusts me,” which to me hints that there hasn’t been a direct conversation about this. It’s striking how often couples don’t communicate directly with each other, usually because we’ve never learned how to in our own families. It helps to speak one’s concerns directly to your partner—how you feel about it—for the purpose of understanding first, before “winning” the argument. Because it has to be win-win (or else it’s lose-lose).
Listening is, in a way, even more important than direct expression of emotion; try to “mirror” the other person’s point of view emotionally, without interjecting commentary or editorializing, which means you might say, “I hear you saying it bothers you when I do this because (fill in the blank).” “It sounds like you’re feeling worried or frustrated about (blank).” Focus on the feelings, and don’t worry just yet about finding a compromise or solution (or “proving” your point). I find that couples often find such answers organically once their heart-centered listening is in place. It sounds like she really values her connection with you (a wonderful thing) and gets anxious about whatever this activity symbolizes for her. Perhaps her best friend’s husband hit on a girl at a bar and they broke up. Perhaps her dad was a womanizer, or ignored her mom by hanging with his buddies at the pub … and so on. (Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson is a good book on this, by the way.)
I would also encourage her to listen to you and what these evenings mean for you. Rather than get into a tug-of-war power struggle—yes I will go, no you won’t, you’re not the boss, etc.—I would first suggest you reflect on why this is important, then communicate this to your wife. It sounds like this has become a necessity for you, and that raises my curiosity. What is it about this activity that feels essential (versus, say, a round of golf or a movie)? Both you and your wife would need to understand that before it’s “taken” from you. Maybe you had a controlling ex-partner, or maybe you saw your father controlled by your mom, which created marital strife, or maybe you believe your wife is overreacting or patronizing. Most people don’t like to be told what to do—or rather, “feel” like they’re being told what to do. (Often, requests, needs, or feelings are either stated or misinterpreted as demands.) The first step would be to state these feelings to her while keeping the focus on you and your feelings, rather than, “You’re being a controlling pain when you (blank).” Then she might try reflecting this back to you, so you each “try on for size” the other’s perspective without trying to negate, shoot it down, etc.
I had a tiny niggling intuition while writing this column that maybe your wife feels like ONLY a few rounds with the lads does the trick—while she’s kept at a distance. Perhaps her anxiety about being distant leads to you somehow feeling over-controlled (the classic pursue/avoid game). Perhaps she feels excluded (while you feel controlled and perhaps criticized). My hope is that after you share your feelings, you find an activity together. Maybe your wife could join you for a round one of those nights; maybe you could have people over to your house to watch the game. The guys can watch the game while the gals either join in or do something else. Or have a weekly barbecue. Something inclusive. There’s a very either/or tone to what you’re describing and a separateness that may be at the heart of what’s bothering your wife, who obviously wants to share your experience with you—togetherness and sharing are essentials for healthy long-term relationships. You’re both right, and both points of view need to be honored to prevent corrosion to the relationship. Hope that helps! Thanks for writing!
Kind regards,
Darren
Darren Haber
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JOSHUA D
June 6th, 2014 at 8:42 PMI have been through the same thing man. My wife got mad because she thought that I felt like I could not come to her when I was having issues away from work, when I just needed some time to myself. The only way I could do this was to go somewhere else after work because I just couldn’t get that kind of release at home. If she would just let me mellow out a little then I would be better. Itried explaining all of this to her but she wasn’t having it. So we tried it her way for a while, and well, it didn’t go too well either. We compromised in that now I can stip in somewhere for a drink a couple of nights a week but then there are other times when I make it a priority to go straight home. It works for us because I think that this way we both feel like we have some say so and both are getting what we need.
Tyler
June 8th, 2014 at 5:14 AMIt sounds like the two of you have some things in your marriage that you need to have sorted out. I understand that you have been at work all day and that you feel a little stressed and crazed and just want some down time, but what about her? Don’t you think that her day has also been a little hectic and that maybe she just wants to have you around to help her unwind? You have to look at collectively what is good for the marriage and not just what is going to feel good to you at the time.
Jackie
September 2nd, 2016 at 5:37 PMThank you- I totally agree with you. Wish I could find a partner with your perspective. :)
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