Why Do I Feel Intense Shame and Self-Hatred When I Masturbate?
Dear Deeply Ashamed,
Thank you for your honest question. If anyone were to tell you that you’re “going straight to hell” for this, believe me, you’d have plenty of company on the way down—and an especially good chunk of the male population ages 15-25. My first thought was “he’s in high school or college,” when hormones have pretty much taken over, especially for men.
But the shame you refer to indicates that this is more of a psychological than physical issue; it’s as if you’re violating some strict “rule” by pleasuring yourself, which (again) is natural. It’s sad when I hear of people who can’t enjoy this; nature clearly intended this, or we wouldn’t be so powerfully stimulated by genital contact. I wonder what “commandment” or prohibition you are “breaking” by self-stimulating? Because of the intensity of the feelings here, you might want to seek out a therapist or counselor to sort out why you feel such strong self-loathing after masturbating. I would bet, in fact, that the intensity of the self-loathing creates a need for relief—and thus the compulsion to do it a second time, which then, of course, only stokes the angry “inner critic.”
I would wonder, if you or someone else were to bring this issue to my office, if the voice of criticism might in fact exist before the act, and thus create a need to feel good in a way that is self-activated. Whose voice is this? A critical parent or caretaker? When did it start? What is the “crime” being committed here? Are you ignoring something else you “should” be doing instead? I would also be curious about the attitudes around sex in your family of origin. Was it seen as something “dirty” or wrong? Or maybe it wasn’t even talked about, creating a kind of unspoken shame around the topic; it could also be you are inheriting shame around sex and pleasure from implicit or explicit family beliefs.
Sometimes such intensely self-hating emotions come when there has been some kind of overt or covert abuse, physical or emotional. I am not suggesting this is the case here, only that sometimes in my clinical work, I find an association of good sexual feelings with shame over an earlier boundary violation, subtle or severe. Of course, any intensive criticism you might have received, about what you are doing in private with your own body, would constitute a boundary violation of its own.
The other thing I’d want to explore is the question of whether masturbation is the only way to bring some kind of embodied, out-of-your-head relief or pleasure to yourself. Sometimes folks with obsessive minds pursue repetitive means of relieving an overburdened or tired mind. If you feel you have no choice but to masturbate, or if it drains you of necessary energy to complete the tasks of living (work, play, socializing), then you might be caught in a compulsive activity which might necessitate a therapeutic intervention. (I could be wrong, but my sense is that yours is not a compulsive or addictive issue, since those with sexual compulsions usually reflect more ambivalence or torn feelings than your letter indicates.)
The danger isn’t so much the “wrongness” of the act itself, in my view; it’s the long-term effects of shame and self-loathing over bringing pleasure to yourself, and possibly sexual activity, which might inhibit intimacy and get in the way of developing satisfying romantic relationships—either concerning sex itself or shame over your habit. (I wonder if shame might also be felt in other areas where you seek personal satisfaction, like career, creativity, etc.) Shame about sex tends to create defenses that can keep others away, with heartbreaking results, when those we care about feel pushed away.
Good for you for having the courage to write in about such a sensitive issue; it’s not only a common pleasurable activity, it’s relatively common to question whether it’s OK to do. You needn’t feel shame about the need to get some guidance on this, especially if balanced, non-shaming guidance was missing in earlier years.
Kindest regards,
Darren
Darren Haber
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May 9th, 2014 at 2:58 PMI would suspect that this either has something to do with the way you were raised and the messages that you were always given about masturbation when you were younger, or it is because it is taking you away from other things that should be bringing you pleasure in life but are not. I guess that it could be either but I know that there are toms of people who have a hard time dealing with their sexuality and the emotions about it when they have been brought up in a home that tells you that this is something that you should be ashamed of, and not necessarily joyful about. Thise things that you were taught when you were young could be feeding into some of these emotions that you have.
flipf
January 17th, 2017 at 6:59 PMIt has nothing to do with how you were raised. Feeling physiologically depleted after sex/masturbation has to do with bio-chemistry. There are many species (fish/insects) who die (especially the male) right after copulation. Watch a video of a Salmon who’s swum hundreds of miles, just to fertilize some eggs, immediately after doing so, they float inert and exhausted, and shortly thereafter die, if they feel euphoric, it’s probably nature’s way of anesthetizing them. From an evolutionary perspective you’ve done you’re job, the chain can go on, and you’re basically finished. Now this isn’t precisely true of human beings but the feelings of shame tiredness, depletion, emptiness, have nothing to do with the way you were raised that’s all psychobabble. The effects may be intensified by not having a partner near by when you shoot because you’ve failed to procreate, but even if you do, the cessation of desire, or desire for cessation is still there. You may love your wife or girlfriend, but you will have no desire for her after you ejaculate, for as long as your personal refractory period happens to last—it doesn’t matter who you are or how you were raised—sometimes you feel a slight euphoria, but this is mostly the pressure being let out. You’re dopamine spikes way up to the moment of orgasm, then comes crashing down…shame, revulsion, fatigue, thinking how the hell your going to get out of there, are hardwired into sex. An animal is never quite so vulnerable as when it’s copulating, that’s why the pull to do so needs to be damn near irresistible. If you aren’t going to lay down and die afterwards, it makes sense for your body to hit you with any number of chemical messages telling you basically, ‘run for your life!’ It’s really time people threw out the charlatanism of psychiatry, and looked at physiological/chemical fact. Some behaviors may stem from childhood experience, but this does not condone the wild hypothesizing, and absurd theories that have been perpetuated for the last hundred plus years. It’s time for all Freud-type guess work to be chucked out along with all the other outmoded nineteenth century ideas. What goes up must come down.
Abhi
June 29th, 2019 at 1:32 PMThis is golden… I’ve never read something more true and accurate, expressed so wonderfully… ^ Thank you so much internet stranger. The only thing I would like to say is that Psychiatry is actually in line with this explanation actually, you might be thinking of Psychoanalysis/Psychotherapy when you say charlatans of Psychiatry… but its ok. What you said is GOLD.
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