Why Do I Hate Myself?
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I grew up in a fairly loving, supportive environment, and I don’t understand why I’m so filled with self-loathing. I hate my appearance, my mannerisms, my personality—everything. Most of the time I don’t understand why someone would want to date me or even be my friend.
A bit about me: My parents got divorced when I was young, but it wasn’t the messy, hateful kind I sometimes read about. They both loved me and I remember spending equal time with both of them. We’d go on trips and I remember being happy. I’ve had friends all my life, and though I got teased a bit in school (like I think all kids do at times), I wasn’t tortured by bullies or scared to go to school.
But around the time I got to high school all of my jokes started being at my own expense, and my friends would get tired of my self-deprecating humor. A couple of people have told me it makes me difficult to be around—but, of course, that just makes me hate myself even more.
I’m nearing my 40s and am single, and would like to find a partner at some point, though I’m not sure I deserve it. Everything I see keeps saying, “You have to love yourself first,” and, “No one will love you unless you love yourself.” Is that true? I want to like myself, but I have no idea where to start. Any suggestions? —Accidentally in Loathe
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Dear Accidentally,
To some extent, yes, it is true that until you love yourself, you are unlikely to be able to receive love fully from another. It doesn’t mean others won’t love you; it means you might not be able to experience their love, might question their love, and ultimately may push their love away.
It sounds as if you have been struggling with this for a very long time, and I wonder if you have explored counseling as a way to learn more about where these feelings of self-loathing and dissatisfaction come from and how to combat them. If you haven’t tried counseling yet, I strongly recommend that you do so.
Those messages you’ve been giving yourself (and those around you) can change. It begins with exploring the radical notion that we all are worthy of love, even when we don’t feel worthy.
From your description, it sounds as if your self-deprecating humor may have started out as a bit of a defense mechanism in high school. It’s not uncommon to use jokes at our own expense to defend ourselves from feelings of insecurity and fears of rejection. A common thought is that if we can name our faults ourselves, nobody else has ammunition to use against us, and the sting of another’s insult will somehow be less painful. What often happens is this defense mechanism becomes a habit. Then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We downplay our self-worth until we cease to believe we have any.
The good news is habits can be unlearned. Those messages you’ve been giving yourself (and those around you) can change. It begins with exploring the radical notion that we all are worthy of love, even when we don’t feel worthy. It begins with finding the things about ourselves that we do appreciate (even if they are small). Often, when I ask people in therapy to share their strengths, they struggle to identify any. When I rephrase and ask what their loved ones would identify, they are able to list several. Starting to see your gifts and strengths through the eyes of others can be a place to begin as you move toward eventually claiming your own value and self-worth.
Best of luck,
Erika
Erika Myers
Party of One: Fall in Love with Yourself First 
‘Should’ This, ‘Should’ That: Learning to Embrace What Is 
Where There's Self-Compassion, There's Compassion for Others - 16 comments
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Lottie
July 15th, 2016 at 9:55 AMI am so sorry that you have all of this loathing and self doubt. That is sad because life really can be a beautiful thing but I think that until you see all of that in yourself you will never be able to fully appreciate the other beauty that surrounds and hopefully will one day fill you.
I wish you nothing but the best, but I urge you to get some help, talk to someone who can help you see all of the beauty that really is all around you.Tally
July 18th, 2016 at 11:26 AMIt makes me think of myself a lot to hear this. I know that I have always had this thing about me that makes me not feel good enough even though I know that my parents raised me better than that. I just never really feel like I am living up tho their expectations even though I know that they would never tell me that or would never even imply that. There is just something in me that always feels like the odd piece of the puzzle if that makes any sense.
juan
July 19th, 2016 at 2:03 PMI always have this feeling that people that feel this way about themselves must have been missing something critical when they were young.
That doesn’t sound like it was the case in your life, but who knows? Maybe there is something that happened that you don’t remember or you could be trying to protect someone. I don’t know. It is like for me if you have been given this strong foundation about being loved and loving others when you are young then this might not be something that you would struggle with.
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