Why Is My Sense of Self-Pride So Dependent on Pleasing Others?

I'm not sure how to explain what my issue is, or even if it is an issue. Basically, that sense of accomplishment, or feeling of pride, I guess, that people normally feel when they achieve something—well, for me, it's all tied to what others think, especially my parents. I'm 26 years old. When I got my degree in biology, I was glad I was done with school, but mostly I was just happy that I'd made my dad proud. When I got my first job, it was a relief, but I didn't really look at it as all that big of a deal, as everyone gets a job eventually. But when I told my mom, she lit up, as I knew she would, and that made me happy. I ran a marathon last year, and when I finished I was glad I did it—because I could tell all my Facebook friends about it. For me, it was no big thing. Why can't I be happy for myself? Why can't I look at the things I've achieved with a sense of self-pride? Why is so much of what I feel about what I've done so closely tied to what other people, especially those close to me, think? All I want to do is please others. What's my deal? —Not Impressed
Dear Not Impressed,

Thanks for your question. This is a fascinating dilemma, in that many who wrestle with similar issues often have trouble achieving anything, let alone the impressive roster you list above.

I think my first suggestion is to simply get curious about what is happening here. I’m a fan of what I call “emotional mindfulness,” meaning paying close attention to what happens, exactly, when you choose and take action toward a specific goal. When you start job hunting, are you filled with excitement? Anxiety? Dread? Pressure? Are you motivated to not let others down, and does it feel like the very goal itself is instilled by others’ priorities rather than your own? And if you don’t feel pride, what is it you feel? Pressure? Irritation? Emptiness?

Actually, everybody wants to please others to some degree, especially their parents. I’m reminded of this every time my baby daughter does something amusing; I smile or laugh, and she responds in kind. We are born wanting what Kohut called psychological “mirroring,” or having our progress mirrored in the pleased expressions of our folks. In fact, Kohut (founder of self-psychology) called the need for mirroring one of the essentials of human development. But there are other developmental needs, including individuation, or finding your own path, vocation, and values that give you satisfaction. Do you feel the choices given to you by parents, or “society” in general, are too narrow?

You seem to derive little or no pleasure from your very real achievements, and seem to almost blame yourself (“What’s my deal?”). Again, I’m curious as to the disconnect, and to the overall context in which this is happening. I’m sure it’s not your “deal” alone. Perhaps you’ve come to believe, through your experiences, that there are high expectations on you, and a risk of not fulfilling them.

You’re at an age where it’s appropriate to begin a more adult individuation process, to begin to explore what makes you happy, and ask existential life questions such as, “What’s so great about a 9-to-5 job?” and, “Do I really want to be a cog in the big machine?” and, “Is there more to life than wife and kids and paying bills?” and, “What’s it all about for me?” In this sense, your question reflects a very healthy awareness and a hunger for self-expansion, and that’s a good thing. However, the risk is that others may have a different reaction to “the new you.”

Every individual is different, but I traveled a lot when I was your age, wrote (unproduced) plays in cafes, made short films, and lived in Europe for a year. I’m not recommending this by any means, but I experimented quite a bit … with filmmaking, travel, volunteer work, dating, meditation, and so forth. It really helped inform my decisions later on when it came time to “grow up” and hunker down on career and marriage. My parents weren’t always thrilled, but so it goes.

What gives you pleasure or motivates you? Are you concerned that, should you pursue a more individual path, others won’t approve? If that’s the case, it’s a good time to start individuating, and finding your own way and learning to tolerate disapproval. I have found, both personally and with clients, that the people who love you do so unconditionally, regardless of your résumé and achievements. Most disapproval is temporary; people adjust. If not, a conversation needs to happen regarding the rigid “requirements” one feels to continue receiving approval. Self-denial and approval seeking are high prices to pay, and in the long run not a psychologically healthy recipe for love and life.

Perhaps, as with many your age, what lights the inner spark is not yet known to you. If that’s true, that’s OK, but it might be time to do some soul-searching, or consult with a career counselor or even a therapist to look at other options you might find interesting … because now is the time to experiment and explore avenues (safely) that you might not have considered. Perhaps there is some kind of pressure to do what’s expected of you, leading to a feeling of emptiness and/or resentment. Do you feel others will be “disappointed” if you don’t do the expected thing? Is there a risk in doing things for yourself rather than for those in your life? Are you concerned they’ll “reject” or abandon you in some way?

The other possibility—and again, this is highly speculative and to be taken lightly, since I don’t know you at all—is that there is some dysthymic or depressive symptomology here, or other organic condition which might be undermining average serotonin or dopamine processing in your system. You might want to get a checkup to rule out anything medical or psychiatric first.

The first step in any change is the kind of awareness you’re bringing to the situation. Try if you can to be patient and compassionate with yourself, and see this as a process. The question you raise is a crucial and common one at your stage of life; you might not get the answer as quickly as you like, but stay with it and keep seeking—this is precisely the kind of exploration that can open more doors (and perspectives) than you might think. Thanks again for writing.

Kind regards,
Darren