Doing things we don’t want to do when doing them would be good for us

On doing things we don’t want to do when doing them would be good for us.  

-Reed Maxwell, Ph.D., ABPP (Clinical)  

One of the most common obstacles people confront in psychotherapy, especially in therapies using behavioral techniques, is inertia. 

In physics, inertia means (1) a thing that is not moving will stay not moving; or, (2) a thing that is moving in a specific direction will stay moving in that direction unless or until some force compels either one to do differently. 

When we feel depressed or otherwise down, apathetic, helpless, and so on, we often experience a psychological inertia of sorts. We find it difficult to do things that we know would be good for us to do (we stay at rest), or conversely, we find it difficult to stop doing things that we know are not good for us to do (we stay in motion). Depression seems to quash our capacity (force) to do differently. It renders us inert. For simplicity, we will use “depression” as shorthand for a spectrum of negative feelings. 

People often express their experience of inertia by saying, in one way or another, “I know I should do differently, but I can’t seem to make myself.” Oftentimes, people feel additional guilt, shame, and anger at themselves about this experience. These additional feelings make matters worse. 

Wanting: The Missing Link Between Knowing and Doing? 

When I ask folks why they cannot “make themselves” do things, they might say, in one way or another, “I want to do it, but I also don’t ‘want’ to do it.” They seem to mean, “I know I would do well to do this, but I don’t have the want required to make the doing happen.” Many people seem to pinpoint a lack of want as the missing link between (a) knowing or believing that doing a thing would be good for them; and, (b) doing the thing. 

So why does want go away? To put it roughly, when we feel depressed, we often feel less satisfied, gratified, pleased, and so on, by the things we do. And naturally, when we feel fewer or less of these feelings after we do those things, we experience less interest in doing or motivation to do them. Psychologists call this lack of interest or motivation anhedonia. 

And yet, we know there are some things we simply must do. Furthermore, we often surmise we might at least stave off worse feelings if we do some of them. 

And so, we ask ourselves, “How do we do things that would be good for us to do when we don’t want to do them?” There is no simple answer, but, I have some thoughts. 

Some of what follows might strike some readers as overly dense, abstract, or otherwise “heady.” Please bear with me. 

Does Not Wanting to Do Mean We Can’t Do? A Cognitive Approach

First, let’s talk about what it means to want. Sometimes, we do things in life because we want the experiences of doing them. For example, we want to eat our favorite foods because we want the experiences of eating them, and we want to listen to our favorite songs because we want the experiences of listening to them. On the other hand, we do many other things in life without wanting the experiences of doing them. For example, we wash our bedding, clean our toilets, pay our bills and so forth, often without wanting the experiences of doing them. We do such things because we want the outcomes or effects of doing them (e.g., fresh bedding, clean toilets, paid bills and so forth). 

In effect, we either want to do a thing for the sake of doing it or we want to do a thing for the sake of its consequence(s) or outcome(s). 

From what I have observed, depression disrupts either or both types of want. Sometimes, less severe depression seems to diminish the first type of want (wanting to do a thing for the sake of doing it) while leaving the second type (wanting to do a thing for the sake of its outcome) mostly unimpacted. On the other hand, more severe depression seems to disrupt both. 

When depression takes away want, we might look at how we can start doing without wanting. 

As we have noted, many folks seem to believe, without question, that wanting must or should come before doing. Consequently, we fret about our lack of wanting (e.g., we berate ourselves for “not caring enough” or for “being unmotivated”) when we feel depressed, and we hope that we will start wanting again so that we can start doing again. Many times, this fretting about not wanting and waiting to want again only worsens our depression. In these times, our belief that wanting must or should come before doing gets in our way (i.e., it leads us to feel unhelpful secondary emotions about our lack of want) 

Getting Wanting Out of the Way 

Can we move away from the belief that we must or should want to do before we can do and move towards a belief that we can do whether we want to or not? If we can, then we might surprise ourselves with what we can do after we (1) stop fretting about not wanting; and, (2) stop waiting to want to do again. 

However, the belief that wanting must or should come before doing is a deep belief for many of us. So, we might begin to counter this belief using cognitive and behavioral strategies that help us start doing things again when wanting to do them is not happening. For example, here are two affirmations to help us move towards a belief that we can do whether we want to or not: 

1. “I am not bad, broken, or otherwise flawed for not wanting to do things at the moment.” 

1. “I am able to do even if I do not want to do” 

From here, psychotherapy can help us further strategize how to get things done without want. 

Find a “Workaround” Want 

Sometimes, if we do not want to do a thing for either the experience of doing it or the outcome(s) that happen(s) from doing it, we might be able to associate doing it with some other experience or outcome that we do want. We can then use this “workaround want” to help us do the thing. Here are some examples of workaround wants: 

• T. does not want to clean their home, but they do want to listen to the latest episode of their favorite podcast, so they listen to the episode while cleaning their home. 

• D. does not want to play board games with their friends this week, but they do want to meet their goal for weekly socializing, so they play board games with their friends in order to meet their goal. 

Psychotherapy can help us identify our unique workaround wants that we can use to help us do things we don’t want to do when doing them would be good for us. 

Appeal to Reason 

Sometimes, an appeal to reason or logic might compel us to do things whether we want to do them or not. We may consider this line of reasoning where X stands for anything that would be good for us to do: 

1. We have evidence that not doing X means that we feel or will feel either the same or worse than we presently do 

1. We do not know how we will feel if we do X consistently (e.g., for one week or longer) 

1. Not wanting to do X right now is not evidence that doing X consistently will make us feel no differently from how we feel right now (see WE UNDERESTIMATE THE REWARD WE WILL FEEL) 

1. If continuing to not do X means feeling the same or worse, and doing X consistently means we might feel differently, then it is reasonable to do X consistently whether we want to do it or not (i.e., it is reasonable to find out what will happen) 

We Underestimate the Reward We Will Feel 

Most of us can remember a time or times when we did something we either (a) did not want to do; or, (b) had never done before, and were pleasantly surprised by how much fun we had, how interesting it was, and so on. 

Oftentimes, I ask people to consider these times when they feel depressed and do not want to do things they either know or at least suspect would be good for them to do. 

Researchers and experienced therapists agree that we often underestimate the amount of satisfaction we will feel if we do things that are good for us to do when we feel depressed. 

Consequently, we have good reason to assume that we will feel better than we think we will feel if we do things that are good for us to do when we feel depressed. We can use this assumption to help us do things when we do not want to do them while depressed. 

Summary

As we have noted, doing things we don’t want to do when doing them would be good for us is no easy feat. In fact, it is one of the most common and recurring problems folks encounter in psychotherapy. Nevertheless, psychotherapy can help us find ways to overcome psychological inertia and get back to doing the things that are good for us to do. 

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.