Some of our self-definitions go deeper and concern whether we prefer to be open about our emotions. If we came from a family in which emotions were not talked about, we will most likely be less inclined to talk about emotions. Another person may have grown up in a family in which emotions were expressed openly and honestly. If two people from such different families establish a romantic relationship, problems may arise.
While it’s important for all of us to have choices as individuals, it’s equally important for partners to be tolerant of each other’s differences. This is especially true during the early years of a partnership, when partners typically work together to define how they want their own family to be. The early years of a relationship are often about building a new family that is different from either partner’s family of origin.
If one partner becomes judgmental and critical of the other partner’s way of being, problems generally ensue. Judgment often leads a person to become contemptuous of the other person, and contempt is hard to conceal. We all have micro-expressions that cross our faces so quickly we may not even know we have expressed the feelings associated with them. One’s partner might see those micro-expressions and feel deeply hurt by them.
It is only by working on our own way of thinking that this destructive cycle can be prevented.
Understanding a person takes a lot more intellectual and emotional work than judgment does. True understanding comes from active listening and appreciation of what the other person is trying to convey. True understanding comes from realizing that our own way of being is just that—our own way—and not everybody will want to be as we are.
The most important skill in any close relationship is the ability to understand and empathize. Empathy is the opposite of contempt, disgust, or other negative judgment. The way to empathy is through understanding, and judgment blocks understanding.
Understanding a person takes a lot more intellectual and emotional work than judgment does. True understanding comes from active listening and appreciation of what the other person is trying to convey. True understanding comes from realizing that our own way of being is just that—our own way—and not everybody will want to be as we are.
If you try to listen to, appreciate, and understand another person’s position but find you cannot, it may be that you need to recognize that your own way of thinking may be preventing you from relating well to that person. Your way of thinking and being is different from their way of thinking and being. Can you accept that? Can you accept that a person you believe you love or care about is different from you in some ways?
It is possible to love not only a person but their differences, too. In fact, true, deep, and lasting love involves a great deal of acceptance of another’s differences. Accepting a person’s differences helps you become a better-rounded, happier, more likable, more trustworthy, more mature individual.
Maturity is not something that happens to us as we get older. Maturity is something we gain through self-awareness, self-confrontation, and genuine efforts to grow and become kinder, more accepting, and at peace with other ways of being than your own.
If you need help on your journey of acceptance, consider seeking the guidance of a trained therapist.
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