Getting Naked: It’s Not Just About the Sex

January 23, 2013
By Jill Denton, LMFT, CSAT, CSE, CCS, Sexuality / Sex Therapy Topic Expert Contributor

I’ll never forget the first time my friend took me to Elysian Fields, a “nudist colony” in Topanga Canyon in the Santa Monica Mountains near Los Angeles. I was twenty-something and petrified; I’m not sure why. I guess I was convinced that everyone would be staring at me and evaluating my body. What a surprise to discover that when we’re naked we all look pretty much alike!

When it comes to human intimacy (or lack thereof), there are different types of nakedness. During one-night stands, getting naked means exposing a lot of skin—usually rapidly.

A client once told me that she figured she could strip and shower in the locker room with no problems, so why not strip and hook up with a partner she found attractive? She did this several times until she began to tire of the shallowness and yearn for a partnership with more depth—as she put it, “someone who I can be emotionally naked with.” Years later she found that person, and discovered that true nakedness was both challenging and rewarding.

Often, people assume that their sessions with me are going to be focused on what/when/where with their genitals. They’re often surprised when I suggest we discuss “the importance of getting naked.” A great deal of honesty and trust can be generated when you are nude with one another, something that rarely develops if the sole purpose of getting naked is to have intercourse.

If you and your sweetheart are new together, or trying to resurrect the newness and the thrill of physical intimacy, here are some thoughts and ideas for getting naked together:

If you feel your relationship is ready, you might consider undressing one another, or playing strip poker or engaging in lighthearted wrestling. One partner can blindfold the other before undressing him or her; it can be quite thrilling!

When I suggested to an older, heterosexual couple that they undress each other while dancing, the gentleman’s eyes began to twinkle. “We might suddenly find ourselves doing the polka!” he said. I explained somberly that I meant a different kind of dance, and we all laughed uproariously. Sex doesn’t have to be so serious.

For couples who are feeling especially awkward, writer Jay Wiseman suggests getting naked in complete darkness: “Each partner then takes turns examining the body of the other with a small flashlight—one of those little penlight things that excites just enough photons to light up an area the size of your thumbnail.” I know two couples who tried this, eliciting a lot of laughter and “fascinating fantasies,” as one young woman put it. It definitely helped decrease the nervousness of being seen naked all at once, like the scene in The Graduate when Dustin Hoffman looks up and Mrs. Robinson is standing in front of him, stark naked!

Guys often worry, as one put it … “Wood good, or wood bad?” He went on to wonder whether he should or should not have an erection, and when said erection should appear. The answer: It doesn’t matter. What does matter here is learning to associate nudity with something other than genital sex.

Occasionally, I’ll suggest to a couple who are fine about nakedness for sex that they get naked simply to talk or hold one another. I find it fascinating that often these couples will find this idea distinctly unappealing—perhaps because this kind of nudity feels too intimate?

Being comfortable in your own skin is an important part of being comfortable and intimate with your partner. If the idea of just being naked together is scary, you may want to consult a therapist. If it’s exciting, go ahead and try it!

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