Is it something along the lines of:
I’ll be happy when I get the promotion or pay raise? When I have X amount in my bank account? When I get a nicer car? Bigger house? Better clothes or jewelry? When I can have kids or when my kids are older? When I lose these few pounds or get into shape? or is it something else entirely?
There are many who believe that they are simply one more thing or accomplishment away from eureka. The problem with our natural human desire to always be wanting is that what we have or who we are will never be enough. When we focus on what we don’t have we will always need something else, and we will always need more.
Within American culture, we work for the weekend, look ahead to holidays, and fantasize about stress free vacations. We dream of bigger houses, newer cars, and the next best thing with the thought that when we get it, we will finally be able to be happy. We look at what we have with disdain and fantasize about how if we just had that next thing we would be made whole. When so much of our time is spent in the future or on what we don’t have, we lose track of being grateful and present in the moment. Somewhere close by, there is somebody who has it worse than you who is happier than you are, how can that be?
There is no steady state of happiness awaiting us when we finally get the thing that we have been longing for. If you did finally become richer, smarter, stronger, more successful than all of your friends, you would likely find new friends that you would need to impress or become anxious at the concern of losing what you have achieved. When we finally get the pay raise we have been pining for perhaps another area of our life has left us wanting. Life is always going to be up and down, but we don’t have to let our peace and happiness go in and out with each ebb and flow of life’s ocean tides. Without a practice of gratitude, the current object of your admiration will eventually wear old and lose its shine.
The goal is not to be happy at the end of our lives but to be happy along the way. Happy is a journey, not a destination, and it is discovered most simply through a practice of being grateful for who you are and what you have in the moment.
As a therapist, I work with my clients to strengthen their resilience, to challenge and reframe the negative thought processes that are holding them back, and also to recognize that the life that they crave may be closer and more attainable than they originally thought. I help them to consider what it is that they are truly in pursuit of, beyond whatever may be clouding their vision. In the end, perhaps it wasn’t a bigger house or nicer car that someone was craving, but rather what those things represent: validation, respect, and belonging.
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