Holiday Guide for LATE Men

Gift Ideas for Your Wife or Girlfriend 

This is a holiday guide for LATE Men – adult men who sometimes function like Lost, Angry Teenagers – late to mature and late to show up as fully functioning adults. They become stuck in an adolescent level of development. The LATE Men don’t understand women and what they need, and when their women express feelings and needs, they often react with anger.  

Lost Men and the Holidays 

The holidays are tricky and stressful for LATE Men. These men typically grew up in dysfunctional homes and were culturally influenced by a toxic code of masculinity. This code taught them how to be controlling and angry, and how to stuff their more sensitive feelings (sadness, shame, and fear). The holidays present LATE Men with challenges they are unprepared for.  

The LATE Men were never taught how to properly love and care for the women in their lives. So, they don’t know what to do during the holidays. Or they’re so angry they sabotage this special time of family connection and celebration. For example: 

• Due to shame and internal struggles, they numb themselves with alcohol, drugs, social media, and other activities – and they don’t show up for the holidays. 

• They’re angry because they feel burdened, unappreciated, or they’re running from their feelings – and they isolate, pick fights, or become excessively controlling. 

• Many LATE Men do their best to be helpful – even generous – but they miss the mark. They don’t really understand her needs or desires and they buy inappropriate gifts. Or they buy expensive gifts but don’t show up as loving partners.  

Five Gift Ideas for LATE Men  

Many women appreciate nice jewelry, perfume, and clothing – even electronic devices. These are perfectly nice, lovely gifts. They can also be impersonal, with little relational meaning or depth. LATE Men can do something different this year, and surprise her with a heartfelt gift of love and positive attention.  

These are five gifts for a LATE Man to surprise his wife or girlfriend – gifts that express heartfelt sentiments of appreciation, gratitude, and love. 

Give Her a Break

Let her know you will take care of things at home so she can go out with her friends. Cook and serve dinner for her (and don’t let her do the dishes). Make a commitment to do that once every week. Buy her a package of spa services for a few hours, a full day with friends, or an entire weekend. Organize and plan a romantic weekend trip for the two of you. These gifts are more special and loving when they are presented in a romantic greeting card (in your own handwriting!). 

The Gift of Emotional Connection

One of the biggest complaints made by women in couples therapy is the lack of emotional support and connection by their men. I suggest writing a letter to her that expresses your commitment to be attentive, responsive, and emotionally engaged on an ongoing basis. But no empty promises! Add a note in your personal calendar (one that shows up every week of the year) that reminds you of this commitment. Let her know that you intend to stay emotionally connected by truly listening to her with understanding and empathy.  

Practice being emotionally open and honest yourself. Most LATE Men have a mature, emotionally healthy part of them – a loving, responsible Adult self. Focus on putting your Adult self in charge and on maintaining a confident (not arrogant) loving connection with your wife or girlfriend.   

The Gift of Service

Women feel appreciated and loved when partners are helpful and actively contribute to the upkeep of home and hearth. A special holiday gift of service (which may arrive as a written promise in a card or letter) may include timely completion of your “Honey-do” list, organizing and cleaning the garage, painting the house, or planting flowers. Other gifts of service may be ongoing, with a written commitment to wash her car every week, vacuum the house weekly, or do the laundry on weekends.  

Romantic Gestures

Write her a romantic poem (AI can help but do your best to personalize it). Leave a love note for her once a week (surprise her by placing the notes in different locations – such as her car, on her pillow, in her closet). Buy her some flowers – or a single rose. Send her loving texts during the day. Shampoo her hair – or brush her hair. Give her a massage (without the expectation of sex). If you want other romantic ideas, try asking her!  

The Gift of Appreciation & Respect 

The sincere expression of gratitude, appreciation, and respect is one of the four cornerstones of a healthy, loving relationship (along with trust, emotional support, and positive attention). I suggest writing her a letter that details everything you are grateful for. Let her know that you recognize and appreciate all that she does, and all the love that she gives. What do you respect, admire, and honor her for? How is she your equal in life, and what has she taught you? Make a commitment to show her appreciation and respect every day. 

And one final gift a LATE Man can give his wife or girlfriend – and himself. The gift of therapy. LATE Men respond well to therapy with a focus on male psychology. Men can give themselves the gift of self-compassion and self-growth that comes with individual therapy. And they can give their relationship the gift of a secure, loving partnership with couple therapy.  

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.