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How to Stop Anxiety from Destroying Relationships

How to Stop Anxiety from Destroying Relationships

April 11, 2022 • Kristine Tye, MA, LMFT, Anxiety Topic Expert Contributor

There is an abundance of information about how anxiety impacts our health—mentally, emotionally, and physically. Anxiety can cause periods of panic, feelings of fear or overwhelm, and a general sense of unease and tension. It can take over your thoughts and bleed into many areas of your life. Have you considered how anxiety destroys relationships with those closest to you?

If you are feeling a strain on your relationship, anxiety may be playing a role. Could your anxiety (or your partner’s) be putting your relationship at risk?

Here’s how and why anxiety destroys relationships, and what you can do to stop it.

1. Anxiety breaks down trust and connection …

Anxiety causes fear or worry that can make you less aware of your true needs in a given moment. It can also make you less attuned to the needs of your partner. If you’re worried about what could be happening, it’s difficult to pay attention to what is happening. When you feel overwhelmed, your partner may feel as though you aren’t present.

… so train your brain to live in the moment. If you notice a fear or concern that causes your thoughts to stray from the facts or the present moment, pause and think about what you know (as opposed to what you don’t know). Calm down before you act. You can make purposeful steps to build trust in your partner. Share openly when you’re feeling worried, and consciously reach out to your partner (physically or verbally) when you might normally withdraw or attack in fear.

Reach out to one of our therapists in Minneapolis, MN or find a therapist closer to you.

2. Anxiety crushes your true voice, creating panic or procrastination …

Someone who tends to be anxious may have trouble expressing his or her true feelings. It also may be difficult to keep reasonable boundaries by asking for the attention or space that is needed.

Since experiencing anxiety is uncomfortable, subconsciously you may try to postpone the experience of it. On the other hand, anxiety can cause you to believe that something must be talked about immediately, when in fact a short break may be beneficial.

If you don’t express what you truly feel or need, anxiety becomes stronger and anxiety destroys relationships. Plus, your emotions may eventually spiral out of control if you keep them in. You may become overwhelmed and defensive.

… so acknowledge your feelings sooner rather than later. A feeling or concern doesn’t have to be a disaster in order for it to be addressed. Approach your partner with kindness, so that you’re neither procrastinating nor panicking. Also, find time on your own to unpack some of the thoughts or fears circulating in your mind; they are draining your time and energy.

3. Anxiety causes you to behave selfishly …

Because anxiety is an overactive fear response, someone experiencing it may at times focus too much on his or her own concerns or problems.

Your worries and fears may be putting unnecessary pressure on your relationship. You may feel like you need to worry in order to protect yourself in your relationship, but it might be keeping you from being compassionate and vulnerable with your partner.

If your partner experiences anxiety, you may build up resentment and react in selfish ways as well. The attitudes and perspectives that we have are contagious. Keeping your stress levels under control is especially hard when your partner is feeling anxious, upset, or defensive.

… so attend to your needs, not your fears. When you notice yourself becoming fearful or defensive, take a moment to consider the compassion that you have for yourself and your partner. Clearly ask for the support you need to feel loved and understood. Apologize for letting anxiety make you self-absorbed.

4. Anxiety is the opposite of acceptance …

A healthy form of worry will tell you “something isn’t right”; it comes via that quick pull at your heart or that tight feeling in your stomach. This signal helps you act, such as when you speak up for someone who is being treated poorly.

Unhealthy levels of anxiety make you feel as though an emotional “rock” is in your stomach almost all the time. Anxiety causes you to reject things that are not dangerous and avoid things that might benefit you. It also can stop you from taking healthy action to change things in your life that are hurting you because it makes you feel hopeless or stuck.

… so practice being uncomfortable. You don’t need to either ignore or obsess over an uncomfortable thought. Take constructive action if you can. Sometimes your partner just needs you to be present with his or her feelings, and sometimes you need to offer that same gift to yourself. You can show your presence to your partner with soft eyes or a soft touch, and be present for yourself with a calming breath.

5. Anxiety robs you of joy …

Experiencing joy requires a sense of safety or freedom. Anxiety makes us feel either fearful or limited. Also, a brain and body trained to stress may have a much harder time enjoying sex and intimacy. Negative thoughts and fears impact a person’s ability to be present within a relationship, potentially sucking the joy out of a moment.

… so don’t take yourself too seriously. You can use your sense of humor to overcome anxiety. Remember to laugh and play with your partner. Joy physically heals and comforts your brain in ways that are vital for a healthy relationship.

As Anxiety Weakens, Your Relationship Strengthens

Building trust within your relationship may reduce the power of anxiety. By understanding how anxiety impacts your relationships, you can create positive change within a relationship dynamic.

A therapist who specializes in anxiety treatment can help you further understand anxiety and help you stop harming yourself and your relationship.

Find a therapist

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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168 comments
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shalom
June 22nd, 2015 at 8:52 AM
The positive thing is that if you are with someone who truly loves you they will love you and stay by your side for better or worse, anxiety or not.

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Tosha
August 27th, 2016 at 7:59 PM
I agree….

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Not_true
October 31st, 2016 at 6:18 AM
Staying with a person who has anxiety is tough, the person with anxiety has the obligation to be worthy of that effort. This includes the person with anxiety actively working to improve and mitigate their condition.

Love is not always enough.

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Brendan
November 20th, 2016 at 8:09 PM
The anxiety I experience got in the way of my relationship, panic and crying episodes caused stress between us. We were together 7 years and we broke up in July. I moved to where she lived this year and the changes and having to find a job after that, I made into too big of a deal. I blame myself for not having my anxiety under control. I have been seeing a therapist. Due to a health condition I’ve experienced since 2011, the anxiety does not come and go, rather my body is in a heightened state all the time because cortisol, norepinephrine, dopamine have all been altered, and I have a hormonal imbalance which there are not many answers for (after going to many doctors). I stay as healthy as I can lifestyle-wise but this constant sense of anxiety/dread/worry/depression has been with me since this health issue. Everyday I cry and deeply regret how my actions, or inaction due to fear, ruined my relationship and losing the person I care about most. We shared everything together and were very close. it’s like you form your own world and then it vanishes. And everyday inside I’m left trying to reconcile the pieces of that world that I know are gone. The pain of this is causing me to cry every night at points. I know this may sound pathetic to some, but just not sure how to get over this. I have been seeing friends every weekend, getting out, doing different things by myself than I used to, exercising all the time. But every time I experience joy or am by myself, I feel this weight in my stomach of sorrow/regret and like nothing will ever replace that feeling of being with her. It’s as if I can’t enjoy my life anymore, and have lost my identity in the process. I have read many articles, advice, and keep getting the sense I need a new start. Being back in my childhood home after the breakup is not the solution, as much as I am grateful/appreciate my parents love and support. I feel like I need to keep growing, not going backwards. I am debating moving somewhere but am unsure. Feel like I need a “new start” in life but am stuck. Thank you to anyone who reads.

She has said she wants to meet up with me recently. After I said I do not want to talk/text if we’ll never see each other again. I feel like she’s done this out of convenience, like I’m still just “there” as a friend, but I can’t tell. Then last week she invited me to an event where she lives (we are 3 hours away) but then said she couldn’t after, she was busy. Generally, I have not tried contacting her in the past month or so, she has reached out to me and eventually I give in and respond. I can’t tell if meeting her would cause me more pain or if it’s necessary. I feel like I have to stifle my feelings whenever we talk on the phone and make commonplace conversation like you would with a neighbor. I don’t sense she is experiencing this same conflict or attachment that I am still very much going through.
Stuart
December 2nd, 2016 at 5:39 AM
I would agree with that.
Hank
April 4th, 2017 at 2:44 PM
Agreed but if the other person is causing the anxiety it’s up to both to rehabilitate. I know with my situation, my anxiety is caused by my wife drinking and becoming very flirtatious to the point where either I or her friends have to pull her away. She drops her boundaries and will walk right up to a guy and start a conversation. She thinks it’s absolutely fine. We’ve talked and she just fails to see the harm it causes. So I stopped going out and now I watch my kids and worry when she goes out 2-3 times a month. Sometimes til the very early hours of the morning. She will shut off her cell so I can’t contact. And I’m at a point where I’m ready to grab my children and just bail. It’s tough. I’ve never felt the pain that tjis has caused anywhere else in my life.
Sinne
April 20th, 2017 at 9:03 AM
I wish everybody a great day
Claudio
May 2nd, 2017 at 4:46 PM
Unfortunately I was keen to support my gf through anxiety, but she had to understand there was a problem. She never admitted it. She charged the cause of her anxiety on me and dumped me. Now she didn’t contact me since a month and I am lleaving her alone to let her anxiety levels go down…wondering if it would be possible to recover the situation as I love her. I would really like to help.
jason
August 21st, 2017 at 5:33 PM
I love her but I just can’t maintain my sanity and health dealing with this issue. I have tried really hard but I just cant. I have a son and stroke runs in the family. She is stressing me beyond what I can handle. I truly love her but I need my health and my son needs my focus.
aubonpain
September 28th, 2017 at 7:11 PM
A loved one can do everything they can to help their spouse overcome anxiety, yet after spending 25 years propping them up to their own mental health detriment, it’s not likely to keep the relationship intact. You can’t blame a person for wanting a real life outside of constant anxiety and mental illness. I stayed in the marital vow for 25 years of propping up my spouse. I was not happy. What was my prize at the end of it? Infidelity. NO thanks. I don’t have to stay in that relationship anymore, and I won’t be made to feel guilty about leaving.
DJ
November 9th, 2017 at 4:47 PM
I agree. And some people with anxiety constantly push the supportive partner away. At some point, the partner will give up if the effort to address the anxiety isn’t being addressed and the doors of communication are closed. One cannot just disappear and expect to come back and with an apology. That is irresponsible, hurtful loving.
ming v
December 22nd, 2016 at 6:37 AM
that is correct that sometimes love is not enough. the partner without anxiety also needs to take care of their own health and wellbeing. One can give until they are blue in the face but living with constant stress is detrimental as well.

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Cheyenne
January 22nd, 2017 at 6:00 PM
exactly. I am dealing with a spouse who has possibly more than a normal level of anxiety and it is affecting my health now where I almost got a vertigo episode (I have Meniere’s) and I am concerned about my health as a cancer survivor of 2 years also. (we were not together at the time of my cancer diagnosis and treatment). I am tired, depressed, do not feel like I can move. His anxiety gives me barely any space, he interrupts constantly – even when it is just about having some space for myself for a few hours. He keeps on and on until I give in or it ends in a screaming match. I am exhausted and about to call it quits. Yes we all want to believe that love conquers all but let’s be honest – when our health is affected to the degree that we are too depressed to do much, feel like a prisoner in our own home it is time to call it quits. Maybe the other person will then get the help they need.
Taylor
April 27th, 2017 at 8:30 PM
In regards to what Brendan said on November 20th, 2016 I am sort of in the same situation but I’m still in my relationship, at least right now. Btw we’re engaged and we have been talking lately about what we’ve both been going through. I am very close to a mental breakdown but the thought of admitting myself into a hospital terrifies me due to being forced to be hospitalized when I was younger. I have relied on my fiancé for 2 years now and since I have quit my job due to my anxiety/depression being so bad he feels there’s more weight on his shoulders and apparently he had already been suffering with extreme amounts of anxiety/depression that I had no clue about because ive been so focused on myself and he doesn’t tend to inform me of whats going on with him because he feels its just adding too much to my already overflowing plate. I want to be there for him and support him the way hes been trying to support me but I don’t know if I can. And tonight I opened up to him and told him there’s a possibility we should separate because I don’t know if I can handle his problems on top of my own. Before this conversation he stated he doesn’t feel I love him because I never notice when he’s struggling with his issues. And that hurts immensely because I do want to spend the rest of my life with him and I see a future with him but things are so complicated with the both of us mentally that even he’s questioning the relationship. I know we both want to be together and eventually get married, and have even talked about moving away together to get a fresh start but other than that I don’t know what to do because like I said I don’t even know how to help myself. If there’s any kind of advice that could help me it would be much appreciated because this is a huge decision and apparently the choice is mine to make alone and I don’t want to lose him. I appreciate any responses.
Rob
January 23rd, 2017 at 12:27 PM
Well thats a lie you should only say that stuff unless your in a relationship or have anxiety
Coming from a person with these disorders

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Cheyenne
January 23rd, 2017 at 7:50 PM
What do you mean it is a lie? My husband admits now to his anxiety being stronger than normal and us now gettig help. I myself had severe anxiety many years ago dealt wih it in counseling.
Dwight
August 2nd, 2017 at 10:41 AM
Brenden – sounds like she’s been cheating or trying to. As I was reminded recently, you be somebody others want to be around and it’ll happen. If your wife can’t see that her behaviours are hurting you, and you’ve been honest with her and assertive to tell her to stop, then you may have a choice to make. Getting drunk with other men, and turning the phone off is not appropriate in a marriage. Anxiety can cloud any situation, but being passive or aggressive in response is also not the solution.
Brad
March 24th, 2017 at 10:08 AM
Bullshit! This is pretty much a dreamers advice. Honestly you need a lot more than Love! Communication and Trust are the two key components to a relationship, love with come naturally after.

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Cezza
April 26th, 2017 at 8:44 AM
its so confusing being in a relationship with someone with anxiety and depression. I have been married for nearly 6 years and with partner for 13 years. We have 2 girls, 4 and 6. i dont think love is all you need. When you do everything yourself and your partner is miserable and moody all the time taking himself away leaving you to do everything by yourself. Im ok with that because i have my sport which i do 2-3 times a week. But now we are ‘having a break’ i dont know how i feel about him, weather i want it to work or not. I try and be there for him as i feel bad that he is sad and only now realizing what he is loosing. I wish i knew what to do. All i know is its effecting our girls, and iv lost so much love for him.
Just want someone to tell me what to do….
Eddie R
May 19th, 2017 at 8:40 AM
For better or worse through sickness and in health… These are the words that play in my head when my wife’s High Functioning Anxiety erupts into our lives and threatens the very foundation of our marriage. My wife battles with these anxiety demons everyday and it shows in her moods and her crumby attitude towards those she loves most. My strong upbeat, happy and energetic personality has kept me from falling off the edge completely and it gives me strength to continue living in a tough environment, It ain’t easy but it isn’t impossible if you educate yourself and arm yourself with patients and understanding. Men love your wife’s and help them find help with their anxiety/depression do your best to understand their condition and help them find peace within themselves.

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Kentbird
May 19th, 2017 at 7:13 PM
It’s not about staying by someone’s side, the anxious person often breaks the relationship and ends it, so even tho as a partner you can see that they need help, if they don’t see that for themselves you can’t stay with someone who is ending something every week or so

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John
June 6th, 2017 at 2:54 PM
Only if the person with anxiety is willing to work on themselves…if not, noone will be able to handle someone who just identifies anxiety as just being a part of who they are.

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Love is NOT enough
June 20th, 2017 at 10:40 AM
I met and married the man of my dreams, and we were together for 12 years before it finally all fell to pieces because of his anxiety disorder which has been under-treated and unresolved for most of his life. Everything in this article is a very close description of my marriage, except that we deeply loved each other and did everything to build a lifetime together ahead of us. But his anxiety was rampant, and he refused to do anything more than see a psychiatrist a few times a year for 15 minutes to get his prescriptions refilled, and incessantly act out on his anxiety. Every week, as soon as we would reach a basic level of possible contentment, he would have to leap out of the situation, run out the door, and stay out all night drinking or doing drugs at bars or nightclubs where 99% of the people there were single and looking to have sex. After YEARS of patient work, including years of therapy myself and a little bit of couples therapy, this acting out lessened but never went away. It was all fundamentally driven by his anxiety – he could never experience quiet contentment, it made him incredibly anxious. He also had only experienced joy as a sort of high or from seeking thrills (rollercoasters, sky diving) rather than something deep and soulful, which he avoided. I often would become completely exhausted from coping with him, even though I also found deep reservoirs of compassion and patience I didn’t know I’d had earlier. In the end, I was crushed by the experience of always being reminded that life with him would be filled with unending dissatisfaction and acting out — and dozens of situations where he would only talk about his anxiety when it wasn’t raging, and then when it was he would turn on me and say I was “the crazy one” or “the selfish one” after a terrible bout of his acting out. My needs went completely unaddressed, usually unacknowledged, and I could not do it anymore. We are in the middle of our divorce, and while I feel a tremendous sense of relief, my heart still breaks because I love him so much and I don’t think he even fully grasps how destructive his undertreated anxiety has been for him. He has never had close friends, usually avoids any social situation where alcohol or drugs aren’t present, and continues to see a psychiatrist only for drug refills. Yet he cries whenever we see each other and says how much he loves and misses me, and I miss the good times, the dreams we shared, the life we wanted to build together. His refusal to get the treatment he really needs and to work at his problem robbed us both of that life we should have had.

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Gabriela
November 3rd, 2017 at 5:23 PM
Easy for you to say. They are like waiting for the bomb to go off.

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Tom
December 6th, 2017 at 2:57 PM
AGREE, BUT THEY NEED HELP, A THERAPIST
Rita H
December 7th, 2017 at 2:34 AM
The bomb can be defused if they seek professional help, its the only way.
Jason
November 17th, 2019 at 12:01 PM
Not true at all.

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phil
May 9th, 2020 at 1:31 AM
Well, I’m sorry to tell you that’s not the way it works , a person with GAD will not open her feelings and her heart , she will control everything, and will just be nice to you when she needs something from you, and if she feels that you begin to understand her manipulative behaviour, she will tell you to leave her alone, and later ask you to come back. The only way to help a person who has anxiety, is to tell her , ” sorry, I cannot accept this anymore, I know it’s not easy for you, but if you want us to be happy, I ask you to tell the truth to a doctor and a psychiatrist, I love you and good luck . Don’t waste your time if she doesn’t want to change, you will be damaged for a long time.

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Nils
May 9th, 2020 at 1:10 PM
I am sorry to hear that you have been in an emotionally manipulative, but it is NOT true that all people with GAD are going to be that way in a relationship. You might as well say that all dyslexics are drunks who beat up their partners just because you knew one who was.
Kristine Tye MFT
June 22nd, 2015 at 11:36 AM
Beautiful thought, shalom! In a loving, healthy relationship there is acceptance for who one is now, as well as a safe space to heal and reduce unhealthy levels of anxiety – through support and love.

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asya
April 6th, 2017 at 9:38 AM
its not that easy trust me, anxiety is a b****… every time I try to have fun or be happy there it goes, interrupting my thoughts and feeling them with worry, and doubts about my future and past. Ive had my heart broken las year and it haunts me forever, that cripples me from working bc I keep thinkin I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough or I just loved too much

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Lulu
May 1st, 2017 at 3:58 AM
Oh I so totally know how you feel-I too am plagued with feelings of worthlessness ,heigtened emotions ,am I all my partner needs?,do I love to much and expect the same back when infact he loves me to the moon and back, my past is something I’ve always kept locked away and only told him snippets as I find it too emotional and a good indication is that when I talk and open up I still cry so obviously I am not over things that happened from 35+years ago as I’m now 45 years old.
My partner often suggests maybe I need professional help but the thought of going to a Dr and then talking about how,why I feel makes me feel quite panicky as how can ten minutes sat in a Drs room convey everything I feel throughout the decades! And I don’t want to prescribed pills. The only consolation I have is that I recognise the feelings I get when the twinges start for me to self doubt me and my whole being., so I then talk to myself and try to rationalise things.. weirdly I’ve always liked my own company but that’s a double edged sword because being on my own a lot only makes me over think everything. I’ve whittered on far to much when really the only response most of us need to hear is .. I understand..you’re not alone so please don’t ever think you are.

I hope all of you on this thread have somehow or someway been mananging to walk thru your daily lives in positives steps albeit baby ones.
Rita H
December 6th, 2017 at 2:09 PM
I can tell you my dear about my friend that recently his relationship ended with his girl, I know him for years and I work as a psychologist, He is one of toughest guys I ever met, but still sweet and a complete gentleman that has nerves of steel, ex military and a private detective that has connections all over the world, a man that any woman would dream to meet due to his internal strength and ability to see situations with the eyes of the opposite partner, modest and very laid back.I had to fly and see him lately because he was devastated,his ex broke it off with him and left him bleeding , he was such a gentleman and wouldnt even ask her “why”.. it took him few weeks to recall himself and put himself on track again…
He met a girl few months ago, started as a one night stand and developed into a long distance relationship, he knew it’s due to be a failure because of the distance so he decided to create a business in her city to be with her, and just be there for her ..
The girl has serious anxiety problems, and she acted like a ticking bomb, broke up with him twice in the past and somehow they found each other again, and with time she started trusting him more and learned to love him…
The funny thing is that despite the breakups , he never abused her or went bazuka on her, he did his best to stay calm and again behave as a gentleman…he is a Count actually ,and very few knows that, a man that lived in 17 countries including Africa and the middle east and Europe..
my main point here is that over the months real love started to develop, and he who was hurt in the past, lost his child, and his marriage went down the toilets because of his wife mental problems after experiencing one medicine to stop smoking, decided to go for it and just ask her to marry him, but he kept it to himself till his next meeting with her….and it was too late in a way
She is complicated, has a reputation of a tough woman , yet despite all this , he wasn’t afraid , he truly loved her and wanted to be with her.
She always mentioned her past trauma, ex husband and ex boyfriends , 2 kids from 2 different fathers , a romance with her current Boss that my friend didn’t push too much for details because he was confident of himself, and a similar romance story with her previous boss ending in one kid and leaving her alone with another trauma..well..i thought it’s weird pattern, a woman that has the need to use her sexuality to be loved by strong and powerful men, i asked him to reconsider, but he was stubborn about it and always said one thing “past is past, everyone has a past” ..and she will be ok again.
What can I tell you , she would tell him that she misses him and love him, and when he would answer her with the same coin she would call him obsessed ,she would get aggressive with him testing him here and there, and he kept calm and cool 99% of the time, make no mistakes, in his past he was special forces,and I know a little about the places he had been, he got his own trauma because of it, but he never allowed it to controll him
She would cry when he says something nice to her , telling him that his reactions heals her, that no other man ever said that to her, while the funny part is that it was actually him, the real him talking without pretending or making up, he truly wanted the best for her and her kids, to be there and give her the kind of backup she needs
The scary part was when she told him one time that she likes to hurt people with intent, and claimed that she can control it, people like that has a mental problem called BPD syndrome , and they are ticking bombs..yet he wasn’t scared, he thought that being understanding and loving would heal her and put her back on track.
so to be short, after their last meeting he told me that she is getting cold again and he is worried , but he also told me about a tremendous pressure at her work and possibly an old story or gossip turning into checking her reputation, he tried carefully-but not carefully enough as it seems – to sense the pulse and faced stupid excuses like phone wont take messages , or work pressure, and he who knew that he will see her in less than 3 weeks decided to just swallow it,stay calm and not react in a rude way, meet her and ask her to consider marrying him and make a family together.
And she hit him, she hit him hard , texting him one day that she has no feelings ,and when he called her that day she told him that she doesn’t love him and asked him to let her go.
He went to her city, she blocked his whatsaap before he left the city putting more stress on him , her anxiety was so high hitting the sky , and he shed tears when he met her for the first time, i respect him for being human and not hide his feelings , it was too much for him, he was in love.
Well, they met again for a final goodbye, he treated her with respect , shaked hands , and he walked away and left, and never contacted her since.
I see him now every day,because we are neighbours now, he turned into stone from the inside, despite his good mode and smiles, i could see the pain in his eyes, and he repeatedly says that she can’t be hold responsible for this, it’s beyond her, and she can’t control it, he anxiety drove her to the extreme again, but being a woman i suspects that she planned it, thought of it, and enjoyed seeing him suffer, he wouldnt accept that and only replies that it’s beyond her.
Now he is better , travelling a lot and doing what he likes to do, and in few days he will go to her city again and start his new business, while maintaining silence and not contacting her again, respecting her wish to be left alone and not to hear from him again, that required nerves of steel if you ask me.
Basically
He listenes to one thing i say which is not to contact her, but he doesn’t actually need my advice about it, his internal strength helps him to do it, unlike normal men and the many exes I had myself who would drive me crazy after breakups , i think it’s better for him not to see her, i think she even cheated on him and has a lover there and got scared of him finding out, he is a detective and doesn’t miss anything, because she can drive him to suicide , and she would do it again the next chance she has, she will never see the good in him despite what he does, it’s a sealed deal.
So , if your Ex has anxiety issues, do yourself a favor , and RUN as fast as you can, do not try to understand her or get back with her,
caloyn
December 6th, 2017 at 2:22 PM
Anxiety can destroy relationships, control it , i regret the fact that i broke with the best man i ever met because of my anxiety and my past trauma, i really miss him and love him even that 3 years had passed since i broke up with him, my past trauma and demons drove me into breaking up with him, and I regret it till this day, i tried one night stands and dating, but no one was a match for him, he was perfect and i let my fear destroy it.
Tom
December 6th, 2017 at 2:52 PM
Too bad , but don’t let it control you and stop you from living , if you meet a nice guy that can support you then do it and share with him your anxiety , some men are able to do it if they have patience, I myself understand you because i was a complete ***hole to my ex because of my anxiety, she supported me and listened to me and was extra careful with my feelings , and I dumped her exactly when she thought we are getting better and heading towards what seemed as a future together , It took me few months to find the courage inside to contact her again and apologize , and I don’t regret that for a minute , my anxiety of past trauma drove me crazy and I wasn’t able to see clearly ,it is as if I was on drugs, i found my love again, and she is supporting me and listening to me, and i am getting better and better, and life is great again.if someone broke up with you, don’t let it stop you from loving the next man you meet that can be good with you, talk to him and explain , do not give up on your life or your loved ones.
Sarah
December 6th, 2017 at 10:09 PM
Reading your words it seems like my own thoughts , i had the same , and almost destroyed and buried myself , my ex left me two years ago and i suffered a lot but then when i met my current boyfriend i broke up with him leaving him confused and hurt , i broke up with him even though he was a great guy with a big heart able to put up with my ****, but shortly after that i went and started meeting a psychiatrist who put me on meds that cleared my brain and fixed my relationship. you must seek a professional help and fight it otherwise it will never end.My anxiety levels in the past would drive me into doing things i rather not mention, but with the professional help i found , life is better and my man is coping with it since he understands what is going on, dont fight it by sex or alcohol or by staying alone, even your best friends can’t help you on this, you need to see a professional and perhaps take meds, otherwise you will end up in a psychiatric hospital or worse
Rita H
December 7th, 2017 at 2:32 AM
Sorry about my harsh comment before, I meant that if someone does not seek professional help, it would lead to a disaster, and the BF or Gf should stay away.
lisly
December 8th, 2017 at 11:10 AM
I hear you,my ex ****er boyfriend broke my heart about 2 years ago and reading what you said it was like reading my own thoughts,i felt like crazy after that but I met a man after a year or so and i can only say that he is AMAZING,my man of dreams,caring loving warm open minded interesting with a strong character,but i got an anxiety attack and broke up with him,i left him without giving him any reasons and only said that i don’t love him any more,he left and i never heard of him again but only one time call that i ignored,but after few months later i started thinking about his voice and tender and care and the feeling of security i had with him,he was a cop,so i tried to contact him,it was to late, he died in a car accident 3 weeks after we broke up,and I am still not over him,i cry whenever I am alone thinking about him,how he was patient with me and loved me like no one ever did.I am seeing a psychiatrist now and on meds that helps me to be 98% of myself,i regret i never did it before,who knows,maybe my man would had stayed and alive and I would be happy with few kids from him.
Go see a psychiatric and get meds, believe me it works,we are not crazy, we have a problem that medicine can fix,don’t let the anxiety destroy you or control you,and men we meet should not suffer because of our inability to seek help from doctors.
God bless you
Bianca
December 8th, 2017 at 11:32 AM
its not that easy trust me, anxiety is a b**** NO ONE SAID IT IS EASY … every time I try to have fun or be happy there it goes, interrupting my thoughts and feeling them with worry -DO YOU SEE A DOCTOR ?A PSYCHOLOGIST? FIND ONE AND START BEING ON THE PILL, and doubts about my future and past WE ALL HAVE DOUBTS. Ive had my heart broken las year and it haunts me forever -MOVE ON ,BREAKUPS ARE A ***** BUT YOU CAN NOT LET IT CONTROL YOU OR YOUR FUTURE OR YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP,- that cripples me from working bc I keep thinkin I wasn’t good enough -WRONG THINKING -or pretty enough -WRONG THINKING AGAIN – or I just loved too much-WRONG WRONG WRONG,YOU ARE OK – DO YOU SUFFER FROM HIGH FEELINGS OF LOW SELF ESTEEM BECAUSE OF ONE MAN WHO DUMPED YOU? GROW UP, TAKE THINGS INTO YOUR HANDS.WE HATE TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO,BUT WE ESPECIALLY HATE WHEN ITS TRUE,DO NOT LET STOP YOU FROM LIVING OR LOVING,SEEK HELP,TAKE MEDS , I FELT THE SAME AND MEDS HELPED ME TO UNDERSTAND AND RECOVER,FIND SUPPORTING GROUPS TO TALK ABOUT IT, AND MOST IMPORTANT IF YOU ARE DATING SOMEONE THEN EXPLAIN TO HIM IN DETAILS AND HOLD IT BACK,IF HE LOVES YOU HE WOULD UNDERSTAND, IF NOT, MOVE ON.GO SEE A DOCTOR AND BELIEVE ME YOU WILL BE AS GOOD AS NEW IN A MONTH OR SO,AND STAY AWAY FROM DRUGS OR BOOZE
Beth
December 8th, 2017 at 9:57 PM
we all had our share of broken hearts,i had my heart broken few times and it sent me back to depression and inability to work or being social, it was always my man who left leaving me hurt and angry,not until i started therapy i understood that my anxiety was the reason that drove them away,i would switch from a loving caring person to a foreigner once my fear of loving too much or not too good for them kicks in ,they couldn’t deal with my anxiety panic and anger attacks,therapy in all its forms helped me,and now i am on meds that made me feel great again,my man helps me a lot and i understood how to control myself and my fear from an actual good thing ,i love him to death and he loves me too with his understanding and tender,I don’t allow my fear to control me,go see your GB and ask to recommend a psychologist, do not let it control your life and destroy your relationships,start taking meds, it will make you as good as new.
Anabel
December 9th, 2017 at 7:36 AM
Somehow I am reading this, and between the lines i can detect intentions, i hope you are not one of those that uses her Anxiety to get whatever she think she should get.I hope that you are not using it as an excuse to get back to your Ex,i met few girls that would date a great guy and break him down and use him to get back to the same ex that hurted you before,somehow i feel it about you .Sorry
Angie
December 10th, 2017 at 10:29 AM
And?So do you want to tell me that you are aware of your problem and you won’t do anything?You do know that therapy+group therapy + psychologists meds can help to get you back as good as new.Breakups are tough, and I saw women breaking up with my best friends and destroying them without blinking, so it’s not that only men can be, many women specially mastered the art of bsing,ive seen it with two of my best friends who met girls with a story similar to you,and they got dumped brutally because the two didn’t have the heart to stop and think about the consequences,and did not bother to have responsibility on the lives of two wonderful men that tried their best for them,tried and did everything they could to make them feel safe and secure,both never touched meds and only one of them went to see a therapist,but they used my friends to complete that fraken hole in their souls where everything start to be normal and it scared both of them,so instead of talking about it and seeking therapy ,they cut them off and drove one to suicide-that’s right:suicide.is this your story? are you aware of your fears and anxiety but you won’t do anything about it? Meds+psychology helps to make you better and you can go on with your life, so do it,and careful on the way from jerks or from following your inner fear and hurting any man you feel comfortable with,do not touch drugs or alchohol because its an excuse , those good men do exist and they are real and they deserve a bit of our patience, i am married to one of them who helped to be better again,the next time you come to this forum give us an update.God bless
Megan
December 12th, 2017 at 10:42 AM
my dear,life is like this,you must continue and live and find a good guy that can understand you and your needs and fear.Seek help in all its forms /group therapy/psychologist/meds/ friends because it’s the only way,dont let it stuck you in your fear from the next good thing that can happen to you.
Arnold
December 17th, 2017 at 10:34 AM
trust you? why would we?as you describe it you seem to be aware of your condition very well,so get help from Psychiatric,i hope you are not one of those who uses her bad experience to justify for herself giving **** to others.
maxy
December 25th, 2017 at 11:37 PM
i can feel your pain,i have the same feelings and fears,but i decided to fight it,to struggle.My ex left me 3 years ago pregnant,and months passed with me angry and disappointed,i met few guys and scared them away and everytime i had a good guy i would make him run away,the fear would eat me,5 months ago i started my meds and it made me feel great again most of the time,I am with a man that respects me and loves me for what I am,i humiliated him endless times in the past and he took it like a man so i chose him,so go out there,find the help you need and live your life, do not stay alone, there is a solution for our problem,find a guy that can understand you and your situation and don’t be afraid.
MO
December 7th, 2017 at 10:55 AM
Hi there,my pschologist told me about this site today, so i thought i should come here for few more answers.. I wrote today to my ex after 45 days of our breakup and complete silence , and told her that i think she needs a professional help, i told her that I am not mad because it is not her, but the “other her” that she fights for a long time.she told me out of the sudden that she has no feelings for me, i knew that she had anxiety issues but we had a long distance relationship that was going to be real since i am moving to her city, i met my psychologist few times to try and understand, since she never told me anything, no other man, no stress at work, just “i have no feeling” and “it doesn’t burn” in less than 10 days, from love texts and patienate texts to cold ice decision without giving me a reason.i met her last time 45 days ago in her city and we had a lunch and pleasant kinda meeting, we said goodbye and I told her i wasnt angry, i wasntt angry then because i knew it was beyond her, but i wasnt sure what was it…this time i wrote it and told her that it will never stop, and she will do it to the next man she will meet.she told me many times that my calm attitude helps her to heal from her past trauma, so at the last meeting i was calm and nice, a real gentleman.yet few days before we met and i had tears in my eyes, it was too much for me, i loved her like mad and i think i still have feelings for her, not sure yet because there is a bit of anger inside me, not sure if its against her or myself for allowing it to happen, but for my defence ill say that i wasn’t fully aware of the effects of having anxiety…now i know…
here is part of what i wrote, ill love to know what you guys think, i am sorry if i sounded arrogant , it wasnt what i meant , and i apologize if i sounded like that..
I met my psychologist yesterday again and decided to tell you this :Please get professional help against your anxiety and past trauma,what happened between us is beyond your control and I want you to know that you shouldn’t feel guilty-it wasn’t you ,it is the other you ,it’s beyond you and that’s explains why I am not mad because I understood it,but distance was my enemy and I was too late to get to you ,but please go see a psychiatric,otherwise it will never stop ,and you will do it again to the next guy you meet ,and who knows,maybe the outcome will not be as quiet and peaceful as what we had and he will be violent and even hurt you more ,do not wait for **** ,I understood it from the beginning but I am not a professional and thought that with time you would give more trust,but it was a dead end from the beginning ,you had done nothing wrong ,you lost your feelings because of your anxiety ,it wasn’t about me or the real you ,it wasn’t the real you ,I texted you not because I am desperate or needy,but because I care ,and I hope that this time you will fight this urge to get mad on me over it ,leaving you alone without telling you what I know is wrong ,and you need to know what I know ,I care and wants the best for someone I cared about ,despite what your brain and the other “you “ tells you to do, give it a shoot ,you can’t deal with it alone and it will never stop .

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Bianca
December 8th, 2017 at 11:41 AM
OUR PROBLEM IS THAT ANXIETY TAKES OVER AND WE CANNOT DISTINGUISH BETWEEN REALITY AND FANTASY, WE LET OUR FEAR TAKE OVER AND WE PUSH THOSE WE LOVE AWAY.HAVE YOU TRIED TO TALK TO HER? I ADVISE YOU TO GIVE HER SOME SPACE AND LET HER DO HER OWN THINKING,SHE WILL RETURN AND CALL YOU,BUT TRY TO FIND OUT IF SHE IS SEEKING HELP AND SEEING A PSYCHOLOGIST,TRY TALKING TO HER BEST FRIENDS AND PUSH THEM GENTLY INTO PERSUADING HER TO DO IT.YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG,ITS NOT YOU OR HER EITHER IT’S HEAR FEAR,JUST STAY CALM AND NICE AND HOPE THAT SHE WILL CONTACT YOU AGAIN,JUST GIVE IT TIME.
leslie
December 10th, 2017 at 10:09 AM
she is a liar,no other explanation, she used you to get back to someone she had in mind,no other way,no woman can do that to her man in the way you described it, you sound sweet and a good person, thank god she is not with you , move on, don’t look back, she is a professional liar and she will get what she deserves.I am sure women would go crazy to meet you,do it and don’t look back, she doesn’t deserve your love or respect .
Corrygan N, Ireland
December 10th, 2017 at 10:39 AM
Anxiety often makes a mess out of one’s life, but, people who suffer from it do need love, attention and human conntact. So, i wouldn’t blame her behaviour on anxiety. Let me start by saying that you and your actions , deserve respect and not block on fb and other media. I won’t speculate if she “moved on”, but i’d say that you deserve better then being toyed with. If i was you, i’d draw the line. Just remember, for the next time-love the other person, but love yourself more. All the best to you!
Lloyd
December 10th, 2017 at 10:54 AM
She sound troubles,you are better without her,was she in therapy during your relationship? was she aware of her problems?I suspect she enjoyed hurting you,but also she was with another guy,its the only explanation why she cut you off in such a way without respecting you or the relationship you had put so much efforts in.Move on my friend and forget her, think that she is not worth it,and in few weeks you will forget her totally,she seem as a pathological liar to me,and I advise you not to contact her again, let her drink the soup she cooked.
Lloyd
June 23rd, 2015 at 11:26 AM
One of the most difficult things that you will face is that there will be a breakdown of trust. One who is anxious can become suspicious and hard to live with simply because they have lost the feeling that they can trust you. It is probably through nothing that you have done but the anxiety has taken over.

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Beth
June 23rd, 2015 at 4:19 PM
This article has been very helpful.. I am going through this exact thing and need help before it’s too late for my relationship. Funny thing and true, my boyfriends name is Lloyd. Lol. I was very surprised to see that anxiety causes these things. I just thought is was the scars from my past. And to Shalom, I hope and pray for that. Very helpful. Thank you Good Therapy for the read..and comments.

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Kristine Tye MFT
June 23rd, 2015 at 1:21 PM
I appreciate your thoughts, Lloyd. Anxiety does try to take over! Training our brains to live in the moment helps up learn to trust our true thoughts and instincts, not those of fear or anxiety – and it also helps us see our partner with clear eyes and prevent anxiety from clouding our vision during a moment of fear.

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nils
August 6th, 2019 at 2:01 AM
The attitude that anxiety is NEVER based on anything even REMOTELY real is dismissive and condescending in the extreme and it’s what puts me off therapy.

Also this article’s “you might feel like you need to worry”, with the corresponding implied “but you don’t” and “so stop it”, but if it was a conscious choice – whether I could simply choose not to worry, or simply telling myself I don’t need to worked – I wouldn’t have this problem to begin with and would never have ended up reading this article.

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Kristine Tye
August 6th, 2019 at 11:55 AM
I appreciate your point, @nils. By using the term anxiety, I do mean excess anxiety that causes the person significant distress. I can understand why it might come across as dismissive of legitimate feelings and concerns. This is not my intention in writing the article. My intention is to offer empathy and plant some seeds toward solutions for those who have been impacted by their own excessive anxiety or that of their partner’s. This is no invitation to gaslight or dismiss the partner’s feelings. I’m glad that you brought this up. I hope that you consider finding a therapist who sees your feelings as legitimate and worthy of acknowledgement!
Beth
June 23rd, 2015 at 4:59 PM
I left a reply but I’m not seeing it. Basically saying that this article is very helpful. And to my bf Lloyd. If that was your reply, my heart melts and I am trying…I didn’t realize my anxiety caused these behaviors.

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Lloyd
June 24th, 2015 at 7:36 AM
@Beth- no, I don’t know you but I am going through this with someone in my life and it sounds like you are too. I hope that seeing someone form the other side talk about what it can do to a relationship helps you and your Lloyd find help and peace together. I am hoping to do the same

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Kristine Tye MFT
June 24th, 2015 at 11:36 AM
Beth, I am glad that you connected with the information in my article. I hope that you have compassion for yourself and that you you aren’t doing this alone but that you access the support you deserve! Thank you for sharing your experience, as I am sure it’s helpful to others.

Lloyd, thank you for your encouraging comments as I am sure that others will connect and appreciate that, as well!

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Lisa
June 25th, 2015 at 11:29 AM
Until I started meeting with a therapist it was hard to see just how selfish my anxiety was actually making me. I wanted to have everything revolve around me because I felt that there was a lot more control to be had over my life if I handled things that way. I did not at the time see how alienating this was to the other people in my life who meant a great deal to me. They were suffering because I was, and it was my fault that I allowing this to happen.

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Shannon
December 14th, 2016 at 2:11 AM
Lisa, I understand exactly what you went through. My question is what , how did you change? I think anxiety prevents me from truly being able to change.

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Kristine Tye MFT
June 25th, 2015 at 2:42 PM
Lisa, anxiety is an overactive fear response trying to protect you. It’s anxiety’s fault, and you have the power to chose to rise above the suffering! I hope your therapy is encouraging, inspiring, and otherwise helping you to love yourself and move forward with behaviors that work better for you.

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Timothy
December 13th, 2016 at 9:17 PM
Apperantly my anxiety was in hibernation. That is until I heard, read, saw, and was lied to in my relationship! Now the anxiety doesn’t stop. Know that the “red flags” is causing me to be anxious, and the fact is I didn’t cause the Untrust . she did the things to make me feel like I do ! She asked me to get on meds to help with it ! How can the creator of the anxiety complain or worry about the untrust and anxiety they caused!

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Nicole N
September 12th, 2017 at 7:57 AM
Hi Timothy… How did things pan out for you? I can identify somewhat with this
Nicole
Lisa
June 26th, 2015 at 7:16 AM
It is very much working, thanks for the encouragement.
I won’t say that it has been easy, because I think that I had been broken down for so long by my own personal issues that it became difficult to let anyone else in.

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Lakeisha
June 26th, 2015 at 4:26 PM
This is a great article. I’m working on my anxiety now- I can’t wait until I’m able to overcome this obstacle and help someone else through it! We will all beat this!

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Kristine Tye MFT
June 27th, 2015 at 9:35 AM
Lakeisha, thank you for sharing! I’m glad that you enjoyed the article. We all have an opportunity to support each other along the way, rather than feel alone when anxiety is overwhelming. Soon it will be a small voice that will be easier to say “No, thank you!” to!

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David
June 27th, 2015 at 5:48 PM
Kristine, thank you for your article. My wife and I are seperating after 33 years of marriage. We have been in counsel throughout the past 10 years as a result of earlier issues prior to counsel. I care very much for her however her resentment has run its course. Neither one of us should endure the pain associated on either side. I appreciate your reference to the destructive nature of chronic anxiety. I am at peace in moving forward and revisiting in 3 to 6 months as advised by our therapist. Our history has been plagued with loss on both sides. I have forwarded your article to her and trust she will take time to read it. Her biggest concerns are what people will think and being lonely. I trust she takes time to invest in her own journey and perhaps given added motivation. We just returned from the movie Inside / Out. Its a good one tied to emotions and we’ll done in animation. Time is to short to be living with anxiety. Keep up the good work!

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Kristine Tye MFT
June 29th, 2015 at 11:45 AM
David, thank you for sharing your story. I wish the best for both you and your wife and I commend you both for the work you’re doing to heal, for the sake of your relationship and especially for yourselves.
I just wrote up a review of Inside Out on my blog. I enjoyed it as well!

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Lu
June 30th, 2015 at 3:06 AM
I have PTSD. The constant anxiety is threatening to destroy my relationship. When I can move past it, my relationship is wonderful, but so far I am thrown into weeks at a time of fear response, when I can’t feel anything much, and I start to panic that the relationship is not right for me. When it passes I see that it is in fact wonderful – but I then may be thrown into literally at times weeks more anxiety. I definitely have trust issues too which obviously does not help! At the moment I just wait it out, but it is very hard and painful to sit with. I know each time that it will end, but then it starts again and I am left waiting again. I suppose I need to find a way to flip myself out of it – but it seems like it is random as to when it lifts. Anyway, thank you for your article, which has added some insight to the situation, especially re trust.

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Kristine Tye MFT
June 30th, 2015 at 4:30 PM
Lu, thank you for reading. I’m glad you appreciated the article and that it got you thinking. I hope you’re getting yourself the help and support that you deserve with this struggle. Thanks for sharing and keep moving forward!

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Brett
June 19th, 2016 at 7:10 PM
I just recently found out that ive been suffering from extreeme anxiety and depression, i truly did not understand my illness until the absolute love of my life was heavily effected and hurt by me, i love her with all i have but still id lash out, hide things and lie because i was too affraid to tell the truth, my actions were horrible and things id normally never do, in fights id go to her friends and family which has caused them all to hate me, and to cause her to pull back, stupid little things that she wouldnt be nad at me for id hide or lie about, yet i had no intent of doing so but at that moment id fall apart and fear would kick in, causing her no to have no trust in anything i say, ive been so isolated, alone, scsred to death, my thoughts are irrational, and all over the place, i feel worthless and empty, i hate myself for hurting the one person who is literally my entire life and im struggling to hold on, shes wanted to leave and i dont blame her, but i keep fighting to keep her from leaving because i know i csn change this but the damage is done and she isnt feeling it and thinks i wont change, ive made so many mistakes because this overwelming fear and anxiety and i cant breathe or cope with it. I push people away when i want them close, i do fine for a bit then i end up doing something dtupid and terrified to speak of it for fear of rejection, she thinks now that ive discovered what my issues are that im using this as a crutch, it took all i had to get her to hold on and just the other day i ruined it, somwthing not even needing to be hidden or lied about and standing in line at a store i did it and instantly realized omg you just did it agsin and you let fear take over when there was no need, i tried to correct it but it was too late, now shes pulled back entirly but still has not walked, shes said shes numb, lonely, the damage is done and irrepairable, but still here, i dont know what to do, no answers or tools to cope, i want so bad to gain control of this but how do i win her back and get hwr to see clearly this isnt me? That it truly has been this illness inside me making me think feel say and do irrational things rhat end up hurting? I feel so worthless and pathetic for tbis, my dr just started me on meds and i hope this will help but what else other then therapy can i do? Ive read up alot on anxiety and depression, sorry for the rambling, another thing i tend to do, go on and on, repeat things, when im stuck and my truth isnt heard i break boundries and do anytbjng to get the truth heard. When i have gone to her friemds and family its almost like i was tying to seek aproval or something,
Thank you for reading this

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Brett
June 20th, 2016 at 2:50 PM
Hi Brett, I am so glad that you are reaching out. I hope that you are willing to seek out adequate therapy for support during this time. It is remarkable what the right support can help you withstand, understand and overcome. Please feel free to send me an email directly if you would like to discuss your options. I encourage you to keep seeking and working toward your improvement for your situation and your internal experience.

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Angela
April 14th, 2020 at 8:04 PM
I am really sorry this bs anxiety made do things that wasnt you. I understand fully I left my husband 1 year ago, we were married for 7 tears. He is the most beautiful man. I appreciated everything he did for me, i never took him for granted. This bs anxiety ruined our marriage. I was moody, agitated picked fights with my colleagues, my brothers and my mum. I became this horrible woman and it was killing me inside. I am now at peace i am single. Just like yourself. I am such a good person, i am too affraid to meet another man again. All i can say is that something was missing with my husband, the chemistry wasnt there. An age difference, couldve of been the cause. I dont know

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Don
June 28th, 2016 at 3:32 AM
I believe that anxiety starts somewhere in your life, could be from your childhood or just stresses over your life. I always knew I had this problem but never really looked deep into anxiety disorder until unfortunately my relationship ended. I do however think that the relationship itself was causing some of the anxiety? I also believe in what shalom said in their post that if the true love is there then the support will also be there. Sometimes though you have to realize that your anxiety may be related to the incomparable relationship itself? Just my thoughts …

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Don
June 28th, 2016 at 3:37 AM
That was supposed to be ” Incompatable”

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Iain
June 29th, 2016 at 5:59 PM
Hi, I hope this helps someone, as well as me!
Today I left my partner of 11 years, because i wanted rid of the anxiety so much. So much that I wanted anxiety gone more than I wanted his love. I felt like I was going insane, I know by leaving I have done the worst thing I could have done. But the anxiety just attacks him so much, it’s so so hard to see the wood from the trees. The question I fight over all the time is do I fancy him? Do I find him attractive? and do I love him? I can answer yes to two of them, them been the latter. But because Im unsure if I fancy him then my anxiety just runs wild, so much that I am having anxiety at intensity level 10 on spectrum 0-10. This is lasting for 6/8 hours per day. I can’t cope no longer, I love him so much it’s paralysing me having to walk away. From me I say seek strength in ur relationship, build on areas u can build on, bring back joy in anyway u feel possible and know that you always have the power to get through this……you just have to believe in your self.
A Hugh cuddle from me and saying, you CAN do it!

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Anabell
July 1st, 2016 at 3:24 AM
is your anxiety gone now that you did it…?

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Paige
July 12th, 2016 at 8:27 PM
I’ve been dealing with anxiety for years but have learned to control it. However, the past two months have been so severe that I’ve lost myself and I’m losing my husband. I feel trapped. I’m having regrets that I would’ve never thought of as a regret a few months ago. It’s killing me, physically, mentally and emotionally. My husband has never had to deal with anything like this before so he doesn’t know how to handle it. He shuts me out when I need him the most. It breaks my heart and causes my anxiety/depression to get worse. I feel that a divorce is coming and I’ll be the one to initiate it. The last thing I want to do is lose the love of my life. We have a son together (2yrs old) which makes this all so much more difficult. My anxiety has made me so resentful towards both of them and it’s not even their fault. It’s mine. All mine. I know that. I have an appointment with a therapist in a week and I’m hoping it helps me so that I can fix my marriage. I just don’t want to be told I need medication because I will not take them. I don’t believe in them. I’ve gotten through it before, I can do it again…. I hope.
I never thought I would be where I am today. It’s mind numbing and heart breaking. I don’t want to lose my husband, but I fear I already have……

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Kristine Tye MFT
July 13th, 2016 at 1:45 PM
Paige, I am as you’re sharing this part of your story, and I am especially glad that you are seeking help. I am so glad to hear that you have had successes managing your anxiety in the past. Seeking help doesn’t discount that accomplishment. We are not meant to do this alone. Seeking help and letting yourself use help takes the most strength and gives the most rewards. I wish you the best and I hope you continue to seek to find the best help for your family, and especially for yourself!

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Faith R
July 18th, 2016 at 11:44 AM
I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember, including during my first marriage and was the reason I left. I am now on my second marriage and like my first, I worried about everything. However, what makes this more difficult is that he has hoarding disorder, whuch of course is etting my anxiety off. He was understanding and is now tired of how negative I get despite the progress he’s making (he is slowly getting rid of stuff and if you know anything about hoarding, it has to be done gradually), also how I’m making everything about me (which is what anxiety does). I love him very much and he is an amazing person, but I honestly don’t know where we go from here. I’m anxious day and night, he’s doing his best and has other demands, is exhausted. Don’t want another failed marriage that could be saved.

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Kristine
July 18th, 2016 at 3:42 PM
Hi Faith, Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that you know you don’t need to do this alone. I hope that you find a supportive therapist to help you in your marriage.

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Samantha
August 11th, 2016 at 12:46 AM
I have suffered anxiety all my life. The fear of loosing . Im so worried and dreading the loss of my parents . Its affecting my relationship with my girlfriend. I have thought like . Is she right for me . Is she strong enough to support me. Do i love her enough . Life would ve better if i was with a man it would be more stable. Im so concerned with change and stability i cant see through all the fog . Im 28 still living at home scared to seek therapy incase it tells me what i dont want to hear . :(

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Kristine
August 11th, 2016 at 11:39 AM
Samantha, thank you so much for sharing your experience. I strongly encourage you to seek out a skilled therapist, because the confusion and fear that the anxiety brings you is the thing that you don’t need to hear (anymore). A caring and experienced therapist will help you get out of a cycle of fear and doubt that may prevent you from experiencing happiness now and/or designing a life that brings more happiness to you. I wish you the best. I wrote this article partially so that someone like you doesn’t have to feel frustrated, hopeless and alone – and I hope that you seek more support. Let me know if I can be of any further help.

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wayne s.
August 14th, 2016 at 3:04 AM
Hi I am suffering with anxiety and have been looking back years and years. Constantly thinking my partner doesn’t want me and I’m not good enough for her making me believe she is cheating on me and financially not committing to the future which has strained the relationship. Last week I finally faced up to what I have by going to the local gp I now will see him every week and also have booked four sessions of therapy. Since facing up I have being able to beat the inner voice but all I seem to do is beat it off all the time

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Kim
August 22nd, 2016 at 11:59 PM
This article came at the right time. My anxiety is affecting my partner and our happiness. I fear he will say enough is enough soon.

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Kristine Tye MFT
August 24th, 2016 at 12:58 PM
Kim, thank you for sharing your situation. I hope that you are getting the best support in taking care of yourself and, if you want it, your relationship. I am glad this article felt helpful, but also please let me know if I can help direct you to any other help or support.

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Steff
September 9th, 2016 at 12:49 AM
Hi looking for some help… I have anxiety now for 6 years, I’m 24, it starter when I lost my baby due to him being born premature, the father of him didn’t treat me well, cheating etc etc, we went onto have another baby and when she was a year old we split cause I.couldnt cope with his lies. My anxiety was terrible after that.. I am now married with another baby who’s 8 months, I seem to cope with most things okay… But I have severe relationship anxiety. My husband works 3 weeks on and a week off, he has a big fishing boat. I can’t cope when he’s tied up anywhere or if I don’t hear from him, I think all sorts, that he’s dead, fallen in the sea, doesn’t want me anymore etc etc it all sounds extreme but I get so bad I can’t eat sleep I’m being sick I get a bad stomach, I’m also like this with my children I have severe separation anxiety, sorry to go on, any help would be appreciated!

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Kristine Tye MFT
September 9th, 2016 at 3:00 PM
Hi Steff, I am glad you’re seeking support. Please search the Good Therapy directory for a therapist in your area. You are also welcome to send me an email so that I can help refer you to someone.

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julliette
September 18th, 2016 at 3:34 PM
this article has really been helpful to me dealing with my anxiety… although i feel it is very bad so it might take more than reading a few articles to help… i am only just now starting to read articles when my anxiety has already basically ruined my relationship… i don’t know what to do. i think I’m starting to give him anxiety as well and i feel as though i cant comfort him because my anxiety is not letting me.. :(

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Kristine Tye MFT
September 19th, 2016 at 8:43 PM
Hi Juliette, thanks for sharing some of your story. This is such a tough point to be at- seeing that it is the anxiety causing pain and distance and wanting to be able to connect but often feeling powerless against it. I know that it can be overwhelming. I hope that you have a supportive therapist to help with this. You can search for one through Good Therapy. Please feel free to reach out to me in a message if you think I may be of further help with finding the right help for you.

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Zoë
September 22nd, 2016 at 2:30 PM
Oh wow. Just ran across this article accidentally and how awesome. I am currently struggling with anxiety and depression and am little by little turning what used to be a great relationship into a nightmare. It’s so horrible and saddening. While I’m in the midst of the paranoia and anger and fear, there’s no real way of stopping me. It’s not until I have said the worst things that I then catch myself. My poor boyfriend has been so patient. I’m not sure how much longer he can be though. Thanks for the article and for your stories. My finding some encouragement reading them. Thanks.

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Kristine Tye MFT
September 23rd, 2016 at 11:55 AM
Zoë, thanks for reading. I’m glad that you found some encouragement and I hope that you feel that you are not alone. Please continue to seek out support. Wishing you the best.

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Luke
October 27th, 2016 at 5:35 AM
A very educational and informative article! From all of the research I have done over the past three weeks, this page alone has been a great help. I do not have anxiety but I wondered if I could draw on the knowledge of those that do go through this day-in, day-out. My girlfriend recently and abruptly ended our relationship as her anxiety was escalating to a point that she was looking and feeling very unwell. This obviously filled me with worry and I wanted to help as much as I could, which just resulted in being pushed away even further (but now I do understand why). As per her request to be alone, I have left and given her space. It has been two weeks now with no contact. I wanted to ask if I should be reassuring her through this as I don’t was to add to her anxiety further? If so, how? And if there are any suggestions to see if I should let time heal the issue or try another method? I really don’t want give up and run away from this as she means so much to me.

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Zoe
October 27th, 2016 at 8:42 AM
Hi Luke,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It really SUCKS! my advice to you would be to just let her be. The last thing anyone with anxiety wants is to feel pressured or reminded constantly of what they are going through or putting a loved one through. Just let her be and let life flow in whatever direction it’s supposed to. If she truly cares about you she will reach out to you at some point after she had sorted things out and even if she hasn’t sorted anything out, she will reach out to you for help. As we already know, when we really want something we go for it. In her case she will come after you if she cares when she’s ready. You, on the other hand, haven’t done anything wrong so don’t fall into a codependent role type position. I hope this makes sense. In the meantime, don’t lose yourself and go do what Luke likes to do. If there’s no contact, it’ll get easier. Good luck!

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Kenny Ģ
October 28th, 2016 at 2:00 PM
Thanks very much .it’s been very difficult .trying to reach out to my wife . I am so nervous with my marriage of been together for 20 years..
Claudio
May 20th, 2017 at 4:44 PM
Hey, i have the same problem of Luke. She ended the relationship abruptly since almost 2 months. She has got anxiety and she is always unsecure of her decision to be with me in spite of the fact that I didn’t do anything wrong. I remember she couldn’t fall asleep when I was there. It was so frustrating. I had do go downstairs and finally she fell asleep. The night be broke up she couldn’t fall asleep even if I was downstairs because she said she knew that at some point I would have come back. SO we started a discussion where I said she needed to go to see someone, and she started shouting saying that she was not mental! I told her that I didn’t think she was mental, but she needed help. At that point she said that she was not sure about me and after three years this was not normal. So I left and didn’t hear from her since apart from a message one week after the split when she wanted to see me probably to get closure. But I said I didn’t want to see her and she replied that she understood. I didn’t do any contact since then and she didn’t reach out. So I think enough time has passed and I really want to hear what she is doing and what she is up to. I want to send her a message tomorrow even if I am a bit scared about the reaction (or no reply at all). I would just like to help and support her, but this issue is something she has to understand and face by herself. One week before the split we celebrated three years together. She wrote me a lovely card, I cannot believe she doesn’t have feelings anymore. But how can I approach her to let her be with me again?
I just would like to know what to do…

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Kelley
November 29th, 2016 at 6:26 PM
For the past year I have been dealing with severe on/off anxiety & depression. Unfortunately it mainly focuses on my relationship with the most wonderful, loving partner ever .. and I never understand why because we have such a great connection when my mental state is good. When I am good, we are great– when I am in the middle of my anxiety and depression, I feel hopeless about us. “Do I love him enough? Why can’t I feel anything towards him currently? Should I continue to put him through this?” are common thoughts when I am in this state. Right now I am currently dealing with a hard time in my life to where I want to just run and go “find myself” and leave my partner– but I feel like that is mainly my anxiety talking. The intrusive thoughts have put me in such a depressed state, I currently am so emotionally exhausted, I feel like I can’t feel the love for my partner that I know is there, and it’s causing me to pull back.
I have an appointment set to see a counselor next month, and I want to push through this because I know deep down I love him with my whole heart. This article gives me hope that we can make it through this. He absolutely refuses to give up on me or the relationship– he truly loves me wholeheartedly and I am happy to have him. Thank you so much for posting this. I can’t wait to get better.

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Kristine Tye MFT
November 30th, 2016 at 9:58 AM
Kelley, thanks for sharing. I hope this post helps you feel that you aren’t alone. I’m so glad you’re seeking a helpful counselor. Don’t give up on yourself! Wishing you all the best.

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Kelsi
March 7th, 2017 at 9:29 AM
Hi Kelley, my anxiety and depression has come back and its destroying my thoughts in my relationship. I cant stop overthinking everything and I keep asking my self questions like “do I still love him” ” Do I want to be with him for the rest of my life” and so many more that’s making me lose my mind because i didn’t have these feelings before my anxiety kicked in. I used to be happy with him and planning my life with him but now that i’m back in the state I used to be in and its like I’m stopping myself for feeling any feelings at all and I don’t want to lose him but I’m so far into my thoughts I don’t know if these feelings are what i’m truly feeling or if its just my anxiety and depression making me feel these feelings. Please help.

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Sarah
December 7th, 2017 at 12:06 AM
its not you, its the other you, go see a professional now, otherwise it will never stop
Stuart
December 2nd, 2016 at 6:57 AM
Dear Kristine,
My wife of 21 years has always displayed small signs of anxiety, from very early on in our relationship. There have been some very good highs, as well as some very challenging lows throughout our 26 years as a couple, but I have always been a faithful and loving Husband, as well as being dedicaticated to raising our 3 children to the best of my ability.
However, 5 years ago, I was made redundant from a well paid career. This was truly devastating for everyone involved, but I remained positive and faced up to the reality of the situation. I was able to stabilise the situation and keep our finances in the black, etc. until an opportunity arose for me to get back into my career. However, it means that I have to lodge away from home, sometimes for a week or two at a time.
Mainly due to the ages of our children, we decided not to relocate the family, and I simply travel home at every single opportunity I have.
The problem is, my Wife’s anxiety has manifested itself and I have been gradually been made to feel ostracised in my own home. The kids don’t understand my wife suffers from anxiety, therefore when my Wife argues with me, I probably look like the instigator. Mainly because I tend to escape with the dog when I see it coming, as it destroys me when the kids witness an argument. Then I get accused of running away, etc.
The ultimate thing which is destroying our relationship is, that she is convinced I’m having illicit affairs whilst working away. To the point where she has searched through the photos and text messages on my mobile phone, studied my friends list on Facebook, read private email’s, etc. Now, being a man I don’t claim to be perfect, but if someone looks hard enough, it won’t be too difficult for them to find something which reinforces their anxious thoughts and feelings. Things that may make me feel slightly embarrassed, as opposed to guilty of being up to no good. Rather than change my PIN and risk raising more suspicion, I tried my best to reassure her and asked for my privacy to be respected. It hasn’t worked.
The fact I work away from home doesn’t help, as disagreements often fester when I have to leave again. I am tired of explaining to her that until such times as I can transfer to a post nearer home, I have no choice but to work away. The only other choice would be for me to resign and lose everything we’ve worked for. I don’t think that would do our marriage any good either.
Her condition is destroying what we have/had together, and I cannot continue to be bombarded with her derogatory/hurtful comments. I have even lost the respect from my own children, and know neither of us can continue like this. I want to be happy, and I want my Wife and kids to be happy. My biggest regret would be to feel like this when I take my last breath. I’d rather go out knowing I’d lived my life to the full, and that I was loved and respected by the people who mean the most to me.
Is it time for me to walk away?

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Kristine Tye MFT
March 16th, 2017 at 9:18 AM
Hi, I thank you for sharing your story. I hope that you find some guidance from a therapist who can get to know you personally. Even if it is difficult, it will become much more clear whether you want to remain together or find a way to start the process of separating. I wish you all the best.

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Judy
January 4th, 2017 at 9:11 AM
Hi i suffer from anxiety and im bipolar. My husband of 5years asked for divorce. I dont want it. I want to save my marriage. We been living separated under same roof per his request. For financial reasons n kids.(14,13,9,2,1) but im just confused. Hes looking for an apt. We sleep eat go out hangout watch shows together anyway. He asks me for hugs and kisses. And we even started making love again after2weeks. He says hes done tho hes tired of begging me to change! Everything was cool. Then i asked him about something. He answered me and i still doubted answer . i got mad said ok. And he said you see if i had any doubt about divorce you just confirmed it. I got more mad and yelled at him well good do it faster. But i was just mad. Im so stupid sometimes i cant shut that up it just blurts out n then once said its to late.Im confused should i fight for him or let him go. I got therapy in a week. Been off meds for 2 years was being stubborn but i know i need them. Going back on them to better myself. Help. Advise appreciated thank u

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Kristine Tye MFT
March 16th, 2017 at 9:22 AM
Hi Judy, I hope that you find a supportive therapist and that you look to friends for support during this difficult situation. There can be a lot of fear, anger, and guilt involved and it is not something you need to do alone. I wish you all the best.

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Tom
December 6th, 2017 at 2:54 PM
I AGREE, A THERAPIST IS A MUST
Kayleigh
August 17th, 2017 at 4:51 PM
Your situation sounds like mental and emotional abuse and that is why you are anxious. We cant change who we are but embrace it. I was diagnosed with severe complex anxiety and my relationship problems and anxiety and anger stems from the confusion of long term mental and emotional abuse. Something is very wrong if he wants a divorce wants to have sex and participate in normal activities when it suits him and quite frankly, sounds like he is doing something with others and using the divorce to control and manipulate knowing full well you have a long term non curable gentic and dna dissorder along with kids.

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Kayleigh
August 17th, 2017 at 4:55 PM
Judy my personal opinion is that you should stand up to your husband and tell him if we are getting divorced it is no longer appropiate for us to have sex he is playing on your anxieties insecurities and fears to get whatever it is he wants hun have a look into control and emotional abuse there is so much and call your local mental health team to see if you can get clarity.
Kayleigh
August 17th, 2017 at 5:42 PM
I am very surprised that so many peoples views are almost suggesting that being in a relationship with someone with anxiety is “PUTTING UP WITH THEM”. I find putting up with people regardless of mental health is a daily chore, people who are non mental health cannot understand so no you don’t need to turn to them all the time guarantee they have their own issues we all have them. Anyone who has the balls to recognise and admit their problems deserves a massive pat on the back! It is best to have a support network of friends that you can turn to relying on each other and your partner leads to unhealthy co-dependant relationships, and you think you need them when actually you don’t you just need them to be supportive and understanding, because you can deal with it yourself but they don’t let you because they cannot control your health which I actually find puts added pressure on the anxiety sufferer to “change”, If they just back off and understand you need time and space. The biggest issue in relationships is not giving space and time to think along with everyday life and this creates serious mental health mainly anxiety in the first instance. I myself suffer from depression, undiagnosed bi-polar, severe complex anxiety stemming from childhood and recently got diagnosed as emotionally unstable personality dissorder by the psychiatrist. I went through severe harassment from my landlord the housing crisis potential homelessness for 3.5 years, 4 years of benefit sanctions which I still suffer from PTSD. I lost my job due to CFS/ME, Fibromyalgia, underactive thyroid and the conditions above. When the psychiatrist saw me after I got my controlling ex away from me, called the police on my landlord as he was entering with no notice ect, had my money re-instated all of sudden I am non psychotic a lovely lady and he expressed concern for my living situation. So I have potentially been diagnosed with a condition I don’t have directly due to my environment and other peoples behaviour which effects my own. On top of that my parents were in denial and lied about childhood memories which I had fortunately had help from cousins so I knew I was not going insane the root is abuse. Oh and to top it off I have been waiting for therapy for over 7 years despite two specialists attempts and was recently told they cant help me due to my situations despite me telling them I really need therapy for my relationships as I cant cope with the constant control because I am an independant person who sees family and friends regularly. I am a fully qualified graphic designer trying to build a career around my health from home eating healthy in-spite of all my disabillities and mental health having weekly attacks. I myself have learned more from you tube running a blog talking openly on facebook I have created a whole networking. Reading and researching books internet on relationships, politics and society ect. I am myself with support having to stand on my feet and every time I deteriate it is 9 x out of 10 because someone is behaving badly and I cannot control my responce’s and my environment is bad and is impacting my anxiety daily which I cannot control so I focus on what i can which is my diet, exercise and keeping and eye with relationships. As a human it is not possible to change potential DNA and Statistically everyone suffers anxiety and depression at some point and I learned the hard way to take more control of myself, regular breaks, focus on what makes me happy, then I can be there for others. If someone breaches my boundary once is an accident, twice is coincident and, three times is an act of war! Hope this helps people stop feeling worthless over a dissorder we are designed with and inherit because the GP’s are not qualified to help and I am now going to pay for a specialist after changing my entire lifestyle around with no change to any of my conditions the only improvement is the quality of life. A therapist told me we could all have bi-polar and of course I am symptomatic of ADHD when I am in dia circumstances it is lifelong and there is no cure. I highly recommend yoga and meditation telling people you know what you need to leave me alone, avoiding any situation whereby someone can control you or you are trapped financially and taking time yourself weekly to research. Also I went from 7 meds to two and regularly argue with medical professionals over the outrageous high doses they dish out like smarties! Currently taking 50mg Sertraline, stopped all anxiety and psychoptric drugs, no painkillers and my thyroid medication. In addition non processed and GMO food. Food direct from butchers and greengrocers and out in the community and currently running a monthy ‘create with mates’ with my fellow friends with various mental health and disabilities and they from time to time drive me nuts to.
Lia
January 7th, 2017 at 2:39 AM
Hi,
Thank you for this article. I don’t have anxiety but my lack of knowledge about it and compassion toward my partner destroyed my relationship. My ex-boyfriend of 2 years had anxiety and was over-reacting to things that I thought weren’t big enough to split us apart. I have triggered his anxiety in many ways and acted from the mind, not the heart. Our relationship was the most beautiful union I have ever had and we built the most intimate bond in the first year. But.. I broke his trust by being unfaithful emotionally in the beginning of our relationship. I was overcome by the shadow of my previous romance and let it creep into my life – mentally, not physically. However, my boyfriend stuck with me through it and his love healed me of my delusion. But it led to massive anxiety attacks, loss of trust and deterioration of health in the second year of our relationship. Resentment built up on both sides. We would flare up and let egos do the fighting way too frequently over things big and small. Our communication broke down completely – we became two strangers under one roof. Still loving each other but also hurting beyond belief. Many hurtful things were said and done – unconsciously. Then I left to Ecuador for two months – to take care of myself, my career, and hoping that the break would do us good. It did the opposite – it triggered more anxiety and eventually wiped out whatever shreds of union we had left. I understand this now, but I didn’t then. I acted selfishly by leaving, and he cut off any contact with me a week after I left, despite saying I had his love before I left. I have then cut my contract short and returned a month early to try and save us, but it was too late. By then my partner said our love got eroded and there was nothing left but resentment and pain. I pleaded and cried, but nothing was working. It’s been 3 months of almost no contact, but then we slowly started communicating – with confusion, but care for each other. On Christmas Eve, I found out that he started seeing someone else. It felt like he broke up with me all over again, although this time it was even more painful. I am not angry at him. I love him, anxiety or not. I understand that we all want love, acceptance, and support. The trouble is that I never wanted that from anyone else; I can’t even think of flirting with anyone else, let alone be touched by another man. And he may have moved on… or found solace and empathy in someone who’s fresh and has no history with him. I wish to rebuild our relationship because I have a spiritual bond with him, we wanted to have a family and we have a dog and it just feels like the breakup was wrong – neither my heart, nor my mind can agree with it. Yes, there’s a deeper understanding of anxiety on my part now. Yes, I recognize I wasn’t strong enough to give him the support he needed. And I wish we had another chance. Does anyone have any experience of a similar situation? How to approach him and ask for another chance? Over the holidays I put it on the table and he said he would think about it. Then he got sick and I was looking after him. The ice was slowly melting, but then on Xmas eve I found out that he started seeing someone (don’t know if it’s serious or not). He apologized for not letting me know (I found out by accident) and was sending me messages to enquire how I am. It felt like I was being cheated it on, but instead of anger, I wish for peace and reunion. The crisis gives a chance to heal and mend. I’m talking to a therapist, meditating and doing a lot of yoga, but it’s not enough and the pain is dreadful. I would greatly appreciate if anyone had any advice based on their experience. Loving kindness to all!

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Teddy
January 12th, 2017 at 11:09 PM
Me and my partner we are going through similar situation I just broke up with her. Wr have been dating for like two years we love each other so much and we were so much fond of each other. but her anxiety, insecurity was always killing our joy. she shows no concern about anything about me, she pushes me away and do all sort of unreasonable. Today is she happy the next she is something else. the anxiety made her selfish, self center and always thinking of herself alone. She loves me bur the anxiety just keep hurting me she does believe I love her. She now lie unnecessarily. it really affected me made me drained emotionally. She loves me but the anxiety took over her. we have broken like four times but she keeps begging me promising me she will change but the situation remained this same. we just broke up I feel bad for us but I feel she cant change..because I truly love her but love is not enough.

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ashly
April 29th, 2017 at 1:23 AM
Hi Teddy,
Thanks for sharing your perspective of what you go through. Because I am the anxious part in my relationship. It helped me to understand how my husband feels. He ended things with me too, he is not a person to talk about so much his emotions. On my side my insecurity triggered because of his relationship with his mother and me feeling outside. Than I started to lose my balance and question our relationship whether if I am a priority in his life or not. We are in different countries for almost a year now. Me also cried and pleaded sending thousand mails and messages as we are in different countries so far away.

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Alexander C.
January 28th, 2017 at 11:50 AM
I’ve been dealing with my girlfriends anxiety for a bout 7 years off and on, we have a 6 year old together I have learned throughout the years how to comply with her and her situation but man oh man it has been hard on me , I am like her punching bag not physically but just verbally

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Topper
January 30th, 2017 at 12:21 PM
My wife of 16 years has Generalized Anxiety which as the article points out can seem like she is self absorbed most of the time. She drinks wine to destress and that is because of SSRI brutal side effects. It is very hard to get support from her and even feel loved sometimes. Our Sexual relationship is dependant on her. I initiate and am turned down and she will only initiate most often when she’s been drinking. I listen and support her through her anxiety and struggles but this does not reciprocate. It is very on sided. I have been ill and she cannot support me, I lost my father 2 years ago to COPD, lost my grandmother Jan 17th and my mother has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer recently. I try to get a sense that my wife is supportive but she always refers back to herself and how she can’t cope. This is when we will argue because will say “I sometimes need you to just step outside of yourself and be there for me” but she can’t. I try really hard to take care of her and our kids and manage her emotions while having a career but sometimes I need to be comforted or just heard and it doesn’t happen. This is really hard for me as I feel like I am alone. Usually I make dinner, get my kids to bed, rub her feet/shoulders until she’s relaxed, clean up and then play guitar alone in the basement or watch tv until I pass out on the couch. I haven’t had a decent sleep in months and just feel like I am craving something better all the time. Like I am missing out on a more fulfilling existence with music or not sure what. The wheels are spinning but I don’t feel like I am getting anywhere.

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Kristine Tye MFT
March 16th, 2017 at 9:12 AM
Hi Topper, thank you for sharing some of your story. It is incredibly painful to try to connect and support one another when anxiety tries to keep you apart, especially with so many other things happening in life. I hope you find a skilled therapist to help you and your wife. Part of what can be so difficult is that it feels like the same patterns over and over again, right? Therapy can help create change.

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GregW
April 11th, 2020 at 1:38 PM
Topper,
Your post was three years ago – so my reply will likely go no-where. I’m curious where you are with this three years later. I am in exact same situation – I would like to have someone to support me now and then – my mom has cancer, etc. – but my anxious wife just can’t be there for me. When I need someone and open up, it ends up horribly because she makes it about her and I feel so so alone. I usually learn my lesson and don’t bother to look to her for any support – but once in a while, when I really feel I need help, I make the mistake again of sharing with her.

I’m not sure I see the point to being married – I cannot imagine growing old with a person who cannot be there for you emotionally. They are too anxious and too focused on themselves. I wouldn’t even want my wife by my side when I die – I don’t have that connection with her. I long for that. I stay because I feel guilty, obligated and because we have minor kids.

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Deb
March 8th, 2017 at 8:33 AM
Is there someplace to go away for a week or two for treatment for anxiety, complex PSTD and inappropriate anger? Like a spa or something – not for substance abuse. I have no eating disorder or substance abuse problems but the other stuff is ruining my relationships. I work with a therapist weekly but I feel like I need hypnosis or something intensive.

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Kristine Tye MFT
March 16th, 2017 at 9:07 AM
Hi Deb, great question. I would start by asking your therapist about options in your area.

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phil
March 15th, 2017 at 8:37 PM
My partner of 10 years suffers from severe anxiety. In an effort to be more supportive , I am researching various sites as these relate to ” when some one you love suffers with anxiety ” I have found an abundance of helpful information about the sufferer of anxiety , however, there seems to be little information available for me the partner in terms of taking care that I do not lose my sanity on account of my feeling I am not able help my partner to the degree that I would like to…..
A little help please…Are there any websites or forums that could be suggested for me to review so that I could put some gas back in the tank so’s I can maintain the strength I need to help my partner ?

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Kristine Tye MFT
March 16th, 2017 at 9:06 AM
Hi Phil,
I can understand your frustration. I would highly recommend finding a skilled therapist for yourself as well as a few couple’s therapy sessions with a specializing therapist to help practice specific strategies that will work in your unique relationship. Also, I know that there are many excellent articles out there. There’s one on Hey Sigmond for partners of someone with anxiety. Check out this search: google.com/search?q=partner+has+anxiety&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari

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Jackie
March 17th, 2017 at 9:00 AM
Hi,
I have read through everyone’s stories and I feel everyone is very supportive of each other because anxiety, relationships, and life can be overwhelming. I suffer from anxiety as well. It is not constant but it does creep up. It had triggered in December as I was working full time and taking grad courses. My boyfriend of two years has been with me and it may be the first time he has experienced it with me. We live together and we are very kind to each other. We care about each other a lot.
I decided to return to grad school because I wanted more opportunities and to make a better living. I have a lot of education background, but I lack experience. Since dating my bf, I just want to build a future with him.
In December, I was under constant stress from work and school. I tried my best to hold it together for as long as I could. Then I noticed I wasn’t performing my best at work and I had consulted with bf and my manager to take a sick leave. After my return, I adjusted my work to part time and decided to take school on full time. It did not work out and my anxiety started to kick in again. I spoke with my bf and he wanted me to take a leave of absence from work so I could concentrate on school. I told him my worries, that I won’t be making any income during this time and he was ok with it. I just felt i lost my independence to spend and was not contributing.
The anxiety subsided but would creep up during exams and studying. My thoughts were very random and all over the place.
Previously in December, my bf asked for my ring size and I was as happy as can be. During this time, I had been trying to get through my last semester of grad courses, but have been struggling because the course material is very heavy. I plan to resume work when I am finished with school. But am not 100% sure what I want to do. I enjoy my job but I see other opportunities paying more and I just want to make enough so that I can afford my upcoming mortgage or save for the future.
I have anxiety with my relationship because I sometimes think that I act in a way that my bf does not like and would make him not want to marry me. During this time of my last semester, I feel a lot of pressure because I want to do my best but I also expect myself to be there for my partner. Which sometimes I can’t. When I notice he does not look as happy or he looks unhappy, I worry and feel like he’s lost interest in me.
I am afraid my happiness is dependent on his happiness and the success of my life which I am so uncertain about.
I know these problems are not really first world problems and I shouldn’t be complaining. I have a job and I could get by.
I think I struggle with trusting that my bf will want to marry me.

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phil
March 18th, 2017 at 7:46 AM
My thanks to all that responded to my request for ” a little help here ”
I do have a therapist. The bulk of our discussions had to do with my feelings of a perceived rejection from my partner with me , for reasons that I won’t go into right now.
Until recently , my understanding of anxiety and how it affects the sufferer was very poor. To me anxiety was just another word describing a temporary elevated level of stress. my partner of 10 + years and I have always loved each other dearly; love has never been an issue for us . On account of my not understanding the depth of my partners anxiety, out of my ignorance , my bewilderment and fears (most of which were unfounded ) grew . This resulted in two breakups initiated by me. To demonstrate how messed up my thinking was at these and other times, it was my thought that the shock value associated with a breakup would cause my beloved partner to realize she should somehow, magically snap out of her stinkin- thinkin . This of course did not happen , so I made good my threat. I instantly regretted this, as I cannot fathom my world without her in it.
One evening,( only a couple of days after the most recent breakup) in the not too distant past, I was sitting in my easy chair feeling quite badly, thinking, ” what have I done ? ” I recognized a pattern that was all too familiar. It goes something like this; ” I might be wrong about this, but you are wronger ” This attitude could result only to repeated failure….This was only part of my stinkin-thinkin.
I had a moment of clarity. Perhaps it was me that needed to snap out of this poor, poor me wallow that I was immersed in. For reasons I do not completely understand, I opened my seldom used computer and typed in ” When someone you love suffers from anxiety” This was @ around 8:30 PM. From the initial input, I went from website to website until about 5;00AM. What I have read has changed my life. Most of the web synopsis’ as well as the many hundreds of comments by people like you and me, primarily focussed around the anxiety sufferer, however there were several comments by writers such as myself, who were equally bewildered and mixed up about their respective relationships with their partners or spouses…I put my first comment into this forum at that same time…This request for help has precipitated several responses , for which I am truly grateful. Its nice to know that I am not alone.
I find this whole experience one of intense learning about the anxiety sufferer .Through the stories of other people, as well as certain pearls of wisdom contained in a variety of web locations, I am growing in my understanding of anxiety and what it does to the sufferer.
One last though which is not likely confined to me….I have been reviewing certain articles which suggest what NOT to do or say to the anxiety sufferer. Sadly I have consistently been hitting these all during my 10 + year relationship with my partner. All along I was a contributor to my partners (hell) anxiety. I have some pretty significant guilt over this . I have discussed this with my partner, who simply says , How could you have known . She is very happy about my effort to educate myself. Through this learning process I hope to better understand and empathize….

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Jonny
May 8th, 2017 at 12:23 PM
In reply to Phil March 18th
I have just read this and shook my head in regrettable disbelief. I have followed a very similar path to you in response to my partners anxiety. I packed my clothes and left in hope it would shake my partner, sadly it’s had the opposite effect. Like yourself I had an epiphany during a trying time in our relationship and from that moment I immersed myself with knowledge on this subject. To add insult to my regrettable approach, I have just acknowledged my own anxiety that I’m sure contributed to hers. Without too much of a life story, we were both responding to the same life situation. Anxiety and depression loves company, and it’s quite scary how it creeps in and undermines all that’s good in a relationship. I hope you have both moved forward in a positive way together.

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Conor s
March 24th, 2017 at 12:58 PM
My wife asked me to leave our house 1 week ago. I suffer from depression and after reading this article i now see that my wife is going through the same. I want her back but i dont want to smother her, i need advice on how to mend our relationship because she means the world to me.

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Jackie
March 26th, 2017 at 10:21 AM
I think you should follow your heart. Is there something you did that caused her to ask you to leave the house? If there isn’t anything you did, then you can reach out and offer your love. If she doesn’t accept then you have your closure. I think you just need some closure.

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Me
March 28th, 2017 at 6:19 PM
I suffer from severe anxiety in my relationship. I get so scared and my boyfriend is trying his best to help me. He tries to get me to remember the memories that were good between us, and how he tells me over and over he loves me. I was wondering what someone with anxiety feels because he never tells me let alone he would because he is the sweetest guy in the world.

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David
April 3rd, 2017 at 3:49 PM
I have been suffering from anxiety for about 2 years now but since I been with my wife its been for almost 14 years, but my anxiety worsen ever since my wife was pregnant with our 3rd child. Long story short, ever since Ive been with my wife I have been anxious anytime we are around other women ( at first anyone who was big breasted), my wife used to be the jealous type, so any time we would be around someone who was like this, I would get anxious and would make this face of being scared wanting to laugh. In the beginning she would get upset, saying I was checking out other women, so I would get upset with her for thinking that, we would argue and then she would just forget about it, keep in mind my wife is a person that wants attention and anytime she feels Im not she gets upset. Anyways we been together for 14 years now, we had seperated once after the birth of our first child, but we ended up reconciling and making things to work. Two years ago when she was pregnant with our 3rd child things started going downhill, my anxiety was just too much where I wouldn’t want to go grocery shopping , walks, everyday things, without fearing that theres going to be some woman there and Im going to give her that look and she’s going to get upset thinking that Im probably checking out woman and it would freak me out. So at that time I had joined a gym to excercise and keep my mind off stuff, and thats when my wife started accusing me of cheating on her, there was 2 incidents where she said she was 100% sure that I was cheating. One occasion was that we were coming home I saw this lady walking her dogs and out of nowhere I got anxious, my wife noticed and asked me why I was opening the gate all fast, I made an excuse that I needed to use the restroom, the other occasion ironically was with the same neighbor again she was walking her dog, we were leaving our home I saw the neighbor and started getting nervous, she noticed again and asked me whats going on? I replied nothing and tried to change the conversation, I could tell she was real upset and don’t blame her since she was pregnant, hormones and all. So since that day my anxiety has been on a all time high, just the fact that she thinks I was cheating on her really hit me. She didn’t understand or comprehend that it was nothing like that, i would tell her to understand that it’s anxiety and that there was nothing going on, at first she hesitated and didn’t care, all she cared about was that I was cheating on her that that’s why I would get nervous or make a face. I came to a point where I asked her you can asked the lady if I have ever talked to her, made eye contact, or seen her at the gym. As months passed and I went to therapy she begin to understand, she went to a couple of sessions with me but she stopped because she felt guilty I guessed. Anyways I had started meditation too, which kind of help I started getting confidence, and my wife notice. at that time I thought we were seperating since this had become a big ordeal and was affecting our kids, since she didn’t want to accept or understand mental illness I thought that it would probably been best if we just seperated and not give her anymore heartache or problems with my sickness. At first she was okay with it, she begans her transition on how we were going to handle the seperation bills accounts, but out of nowhere she begged not to leave her or the kids, I guess she felt bad. So I decided to stay thinking things would be different that she would understand now, which she did, she’s been supportive, we do have a lot of issues but she was being supportive, but now that my anxiety is back at a all time high I can sense shes getting annoyed and I dont blame her, nothing is going on and I dont get why at times I get nervous to talk to her or to look at her without having this damn fear, I need help and I just hope I get better because life is not fun right now, I love my wife and kids but this anxiety is getting in the way.

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Miranda
April 11th, 2017 at 8:05 PM
Anxiety effects many lives and it can even effect your loved ones. Yes it can ruin relationships because when you have this condition it can sometimes make you push people away. It can make you think that your loved ones do not care about you. Anxiety makes you think things that are not true. I only know this because I myself am a victim of Anxiety, I battle it every single day. My husband and I have been in some pretty terrible arguments. In my husband’s eyes he sees my condition differently because he isn’t going through it. He doesn’t understand it, like Why is she is so sad? Whats wrong? Don’t be afraid. I’m trying to help you. Please don’t push me away. I’m sure all those things run through his mind. I don’t like making him feel this way, that’s why I need help to pull myself together so I can make my home-life healthy for us. I seen some comments on here that say love isnt the only thing someone with this condition needs or love doesn’t matter, but honestly love is one of the most important things because if your loved one didn’t love you then they wouldn’t put in the effort to try and help you. NO love isn’t the only thing you need, but if that person loves you they will give you communication and trust and everything you need to help pull you through this, but remember if that person has never had anxiety then they are not going to understand it which means you may have to talk to them about it and tell them how much its hurting you and that your not meaning to hurt them. Sometimes we have a hard time talking with our loved one or maybe they have a hard time talking to us whatever the case may be, you still need to talk. Communication is absolutely the most important. My husband didn’t understand why I am worried, overemotional, and scared, so I explained it to him. Don’t be afraid to talk to your partner.

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Victoria
April 20th, 2017 at 7:44 PM
I have been Married for over 24 years to a wonderful man who suffers from anxiety. some of his family members had the same condition. Although he tries to compensate for his anxiety, he never has been able to meet my needs . If I bring up my feelings of neglect and loneliness he just gets angry and says nothing will make me happy. Not true!I have learned to deal with the anxiety but tired of his rigid personality that relates to what he is comfortable with. We have minimal intimacy and I am usually the initiater. He is too worried about getting everything done that he can’t have fun anymore. I feel like I am living with an old lady. I am now suffering from depression and he denies that his anxiety is the issue. He has given up on counseling and refuses to go on meds. Anytime I bring up my feelings, he shuts down. Not sure what to do. I feel like it has been too one sided for years . Help…Not sure what to do.
Glad to hear others stories.

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GregW
April 11th, 2020 at 1:44 PM
Victoria,
It’s been three years since you posted your message – where are you now? I’m struggling to decide what to do about my marriage – to a similar person. We have been in couples counseling for years but she pretty much won’t ever admit how her anxiety affects everything. I’m married to the same selfish, no fun person. I’m trapped.
Greg

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ashly
April 28th, 2017 at 6:22 AM
i just found out this article. I am the anxious person in this article. My insecurities and unreal worries end up destroying my relationship. Up until very recently, i blamed my partner not understanding me and not showing empathy. But actually he got burnt out. When things went worse and he shut down more, i pressured more sending emails, texts and trying to reach any way possible.
I went to therapist, can’t sleep at nights beating myself up. I wrote him a letter saying my anxiety and insecurity cause me to act in hurtful ways to him, and blind to his own problems. While expecting empathy i was unable to meet his needs to be understood. At some point in our relationship because of the outside challenges in our relationship i lost my emotional security and always doubt if he loved and valued me . I started to question it in every move he did. Become hostile and agressive. This eventually made him end the relationship because he said he could not be the man for me. But after that i kept on writing emails, texts etc. My anxiey increased 100 times. Blaming him etc. At last i told him to block me to be on my own and heal. He was not already answering to anything i wrote. I can not blame him.
It is so so hard to calm down. Meantime I lost my job the last 6 months and that did not make the things easy for me. I want to heal and that my mind stops turning in the same thought loop.
Anxiety makes one to act impulsive and usually to regret the decisions you take. Like saying you want to get divorce although that is not what you wanted to say and regret then. With panic I took so many wrong decisions that ruined my job, relationship.

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jeff
April 30th, 2017 at 4:46 PM
I just drove home about 3.5 hrs from my 21st wedding anniversary leaving my wife there. This is not the 1st time i have done this (seperating myself from the situation I created). I have moved out of my house numerous times during our 3 pregnancies. I thought it was my wifes hormones that just made her mean. Getting home just a few hrs ago and now her on the way back. I was triggered in a way that made me realize I might be the problem. I have thoughts in my head that dont make sense once i calm down. Like for instance if my wife talks or smiles or just looks at another man I feel she is disrespecting me and our marriage. I thought until now I might just have a jealousy problem or insecurities. This article and other research i have just now done has put it in perspective and I have been causing suffering for a long time now. I told her at our dinner that she was being too friendly with a guy and that i was uncomfortable (wanting immediate comfort). She started crying because she felt she hurt me. In my mind as if I were to cry she was shameful for what she has done and what I thought in my head (her flirting with another man in front of me) came to light. I seperated myself from our dinner and went outside to be alone until a security guard came up to tell me the patio at the hotel was now closed and that i needed to leave. I went back up to the hotel room where my wife has now returned I didnt say a word but got ready for bed and layed down at the very edge. I couldnt restrain myself from telling her (as i knew i was not able to sleep) how bad of a person she was for disrespecting me and our marriage (in much harsher words than that). She of course got defensive which again proved my thoughts to be true. I told her I wanted a divorce and left for the long drive home which seemed like minutes. When I walked in the door is when it struck home what i accually had done. I emediatly called her several times along with some nasty texts with no response. Finally she picked up and for hours we went back and forth hanging up and long seperations between communication. I just now texted her telling her I think I have anxiety and have had it for a long time. I have mixed emotions about self diognosing myself. 1 It eases my mind knowing Im not a nutcase, 2 knowing and admitting I possibly have a disorder. 3 Having a bit of closure on what is really wrong with our relationship and how we can get support and knowledge to control it. Any advise will be greatly appreciated.

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Hank
May 1st, 2017 at 2:24 AM
In reading your letter I’m not sure whether or not she was actually flirting with another guy. If this has been her past practice, perhaps she has created the anxiety in you and now you subconsciously are looking for her to flirt with others. Does/did she flirt?

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Jonny
May 8th, 2017 at 11:40 AM
Firstly this is so reassuring reading everybody’s stories.
I have recently understood I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for the last 3 yrs. This was a response to my partner being unwell during that time. The horrible part is now I am aware of it, I can see how it had a major impact on our relationship. I feel we were both suffering from the same feelings which undermined all that was good in our relationship. Lots of hidden anger, resentment, frustration and fear creeping in.
The horrible part is that it is very hard to see who that person is when they are suffering with this illness, everything seems so personal. Following on from others stories my quick realisation was to understand that, you are not you when you suffer from depression and anxiety. Repeat!!! Anybody who feels afraid they have fallen out of love with their partner try to realise you have probably fallen out of love with the depression and anxiety. The real person is in there somewhere. Remember that love is a bi product of healthy relationship and anxiety undermines all those necessary attributes, trust, connection, and understanding that are necessary for love flourish. Understanding that it is anxiety playing this role is key if a relationship can work. Try to make the anxiety tangible not all the problems in the relationship that occurred as a result. This way you can start to take responsibility to change it and not lay blame elsewhere (a common problem when facing the harsh reality of anxiety) It’s subconciously the easier option, and it’s also consciously painful to take responsibily. I strongly recommend individual and couple therapy with CBT as a way forward. The major first hurdle to overcome is getting over the anxiety of facing anxiety. What a bitch aye!! Admit that there is a problem.
Remember it is a learned behaviour so it can be unlearned, and with a little introspection I now know there is a better way to deal with this however painful. If anything I feel better knowing it is anxiety and depression as it’s something to work with however scary. Seeing a counselor for the first time was so helpful as i suddenly didnt feel so alone. I’m still work in process so I’ll keep you posted ;)

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Jonny
June 28th, 2017 at 9:33 AM
So after some sessions with a CBT specialist here is what I have come to understand.
As I previously mentioned most of my anxiety and depression was centred around my partner being unwell. After our initial hour consultation she tore me to pieces.. In a good way.
From reading others stories and how I previously felt, it was to understand that circumstance and external factors were the cause for anxiety. Because it was something outside myself, if these things changed on the outside I would feel better and less anxious on the inside. This couldn’t be any further from the truth.
We all feel anxiety, it is a natural human response. How we interpret and deal with anxiety is another matter completely. And the ways in which we do this are usually picked up during childhood. Some adaptive some maladaptive.
During our second session we talked about my childhood. I was from an alcoholic family and my parents had split when I was young. They were very understanding most of the time, and I saw my dad every weekend. During this time however the in and out motion of my Dad entering and exiting my life lead to an urge to fix things. Since love is a primary goal for a child, If I could fix this situation love for me would be more consistent and stable, and my worry disperse.
This internalised a belief that if I fixed things I would feel enough.
When my partner was ill she also had her own internal struggles. Seeing her in pain was hard, nobody likes to see somebody hurt. My response unfortunately reinforced my unhealthy belief, and exasperated my anxiety. If I could fix this I would feel enough, and we could go back to being perfectly happy again.
Unfortunately this negative belief projected into our relationship. Along with my partners feelings, I feel this lead to our core beliefs locking heads.
Unfortunately we had an overlapping issue of a close family member getting engaged, which lead to a questioning of our own lack of engagement. This reinforced further our core beliefs as this was both very important to us.
These last 6 months have been a mixture of acknowledgment, frustration and denial. Trying to explain that this was a potential problem occurring in our relationship to my partner seemed difficult for her to understand and accept. Sadly my inability to propose became a tangible reason for a separation since, even after my explanation of my feelings towards it. Sadly I feel my partner is still struggling with this baffling illness and any hope towards a future has been stifled with scarily similar symptoms to my own and other people’s. All seemingly underpinned by a hopelessness and fear for the future. As I said before the worst feeling is thinking you are going through this alone. I hope this helps somebody in a similar situation.

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Cristina
May 20th, 2017 at 7:28 AM
So, both me and my partner have anxiety. We spent two years together, having moments where we absolutely loved each other and others full of doubts, bad moods and drifting away. My partner is usually moody and feeling like everything is trying to get her and found that telling me everything helps her calm down, but while it helps her, it just makes my own anxiety reach a peak to the point where I’ve had panic attacks just because of texts she sent me. I do the same anyway, because I need to tell my thoughts to someone, because it helps… And she, like me, gets really stressed over the texts I send her and the things I tell her. Basically we harm each other while seeking for a way to just calm down, which we learned to cope with and which I wouldn’t change.

Lately we had been both so busy and she was so deep in her mind that she would only talk to me in order to complain and soon my mind started making a thousand things and I broke up because in a week I went from “Do I really love her?” to “We will never work, she doesn’t care about me and ignores me. I need to end it, I can’t handle it anymore.”
She understood everything I told her, saying she felt the same, and forbade me from leaving her life. After we broke up we started hanging out and interacting much more than when we were a couple and both of us are so much happier and none can explain why, because she wants to be with me again and while I don’t tell her in fear it will give her fake hopes, I can’t think about anyone but her and just want to hug her and never let go of her… I am just so scared of what the bad moments may bring and of my own insecurities that I don’t know if I can get back to her, which she is waiting me to do and which a moment I want to do, the other I don’t. Sometimes she breaks down because I will never be with her, others she is really happy because of how much I still listen and care even though I broke up.

Stupid is how I blame myself, because I can’t realize if I love her or not after that time we drifed apart, even now that we are together. She makes me happy like no one else but then I start thinking I want to find the love of my life and I realize I am thinking of a stranger and not of her… And then when I am feeling like shit I can only think about how I want her to be with me…

I honestly don’t know what to do with everything that goes on in my head envolving her and then there is also university and the final project and not knowing what the future will bring.

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
May 20th, 2017 at 10:55 AM
Dear Christina,

If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

Kind regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team

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Katerina
June 13th, 2017 at 6:23 AM
I am 18 years old struggling with intense anxiety and depression….the anxiety has always been there since I was about 11/12 years old. The depression was set off by my birth control, which is a pretty common thing to occur. I had many horrific relationships in the past but had never been in love until I went to college, I met the love of my life the very first day and we’ve been inseperable since. We both said we didn’t want relationships so he would talk to other girls and slept with someone else…it was the worst thing that I had ever experienced in my life. Anxiety turns something reasonable (we hadn’t defined our relationship) into something unbearable. 6 months later , after becoming official and travelling across europe, if I’m sleeping alone I imagine them together, i imagine him cheating on me all the time and don’t trust him to go out alone. I know I should trust him, but there is a nagging voice in the back of my head saying that there’s no reason someone like him would ever be with me, or that he doesn’t really love me, that it’s just some big joke and that all i am is sex to him. it really is the hardest thing to explain to your partner. he tells me he wants to marry me and all i can say back is please break up with me, as i dont seem to be getting any better and i dont know how to change. i just started therapy so im hoping that will help me because otherwise i know im going to ruin this amazing relationship.

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Kristine Tye MFT
June 13th, 2017 at 11:58 AM
Hi Katerina, I am so glad that you have started therapy, and I hope that you connect well with your therapist. You are not alone, and this is such a painful thing to experience. Please send me a message if you have any trouble getting the best support.

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Peter
July 17th, 2017 at 10:25 PM
I am strugling with anxiety in a relatioship right now! When it hits it kills any feelings I have for her and makes me focus on negative aspect with my girlfriend. I feel like I do not really want to be with her because she is not pretty enough and I am only with her because I cannot breake up and am afraid to be alone. Then suddenly it can turn and I feel love and happiness towards her. But when anxiety hits like RIGHT NOW I am in panic inside and want to break up and smoke some weed to kill the pain :(
I am 40+ and anxiety already killed previous relationship. I would love to hear from someone who lives with similar stuff but has managed to break through somehow…

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Dee
September 6th, 2017 at 8:41 AM
My spouse has severe anxiety, I believe caused by childhood experiences. She attends therapist sessions, and will see a psychiatrist shortly. She was in hospital for two months. She is medicated. She is always trying to fill a hole in her soul, and please others. Through experience, our immediate family comes second, though not intentional, it surely is obvious. Her irritability results in rages. She knows all this, but the anxiety always takes her over at some point.
As a spouse of someone who suffers with extreme anxiety, I can say my physical health has suffered, and I am starting to show signs of trauma response. The unpredictability of her actions has caused me to be on edge. To the people with anxiety, who leave their partner through no fault of the partner, I can say you are probably not doing them a favor. To those who refuse to take medication, are you truly willing to sacrifice your children and spouse, because of that? In you fall in psychosis due to extended anxiety, you surely will regret your decision. This is NO time to mess around, you can always come off meds at a later date.
Something to think about.

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Nicole N
September 12th, 2017 at 9:53 AM
I have been involved as a ‘friend’ with someone from 5 years… We was forever cheating on his relationships, always doubting, always falling intensely in love, finding his future wife and repeating the pattern. I suppose I was always the friend (one of many) on standby who picked up the pieces, shared physical relationships with etc etc… I have never been great in relationships either and realize I have issues with anxiety, insecurity and jealousy… Anyways, we got together and everything went so fast… next thing we were engaged… I was the love of his life, he was a changed man but I couldnt quite trust… I have said the most hurtful things to him for what he has done in every past relationship… We broke up and he was extremely angry at me, I decided it was time to really focus on my own ongoing patterns I have had all my life… He continued to text every day… I’m seeing a therapist and have been sharing with some friends… I see what I have brought to the relationship and how I was unhealthy… We have started to speak again… Can we be different? He says he suffers from anxiety and depression as well… But a lifetime of cheating on other partners? Can I be different?

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Dave
March 28th, 2018 at 10:38 PM
My girlfriend has been addicted to different kinds of pills (Sleeping pills, Benzos, etc.) for many years following a depression and Generalized Anxiety disorder with panic attacks. We were together since 2013 and often had our fights because we both worked from home. After a phase of extreme borderlining with scratching me and being very aggressive and psychological treatment, it seemed to get better. Last year, she came back from her psychologst and said the following: The doctor is not sure if it’s good to leave the last pills. They are the worst ones and I will change. After leaving them, we can’t be together and you have to leave me for 6 months. You will make me crazy and I will hurt you very much. The doctor said we can try it again after 6 months (relationship or friendship possible), but it would only work if you forget me and concentrate on yourself.
Since October, my girlfriend kept away from me with very extreme going out in the nights until the late morning. Also, she left me alone on the weekends and went to her parents for some weeks. At the end of October, I saw how she was crying and beating onto her bed, obviously with withdrawal symptoms. From this time on, she told me very often that she wouldn’t love me anymore or hate me even. From December, I was responsible for all our business things because she said she would have pain in the back. In February, she asked me to book her a trip for at least 3 weeks to Costa Rica to relax. She would need it.
Then the following happened. A few days before her return to our house, she asked me to disappear for some months. She would be without pills for some days now and the doctor would have said it would be very bad to be with me and she would need to be completely alone.
I left two days after her return because she forced me to leave and was very bad to me. She didn’t even greet me when she returned after 3 weeks. I left for 7 days for a holiday and then wanted to come back. She got completely angry on the phone, telling me that she wouldn’t love me anymore and hate me the whole day. Then she said on the phone that it would be over and that she would be with another guy in love now.
My question is if leaving out such pills after many years with Disorders can really cause such a reaction or change. My girlfriend moved out this week telling me she is deeply in love with somebody else with whom she would want to be for the rest of the life. At the same time, she tries everything to keep me in the same city and tells me all the time to concentrate in myself and to wait with selling the house for 6 months. Exactly these 6 months she repeatet over and over again, and that’s exactly what this doc said one year ago. She hurted me very much with saying terrible things to me since she is without pills but there really seems to be some sort of relation since January, just two months ago. I don’t know what to do.

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Lizzy
August 9th, 2018 at 8:36 PM
Anxiety sucks, sometimes it will ruin things in your life that are absolutely fine and don’t need changing but that’s what the voices and feelings tell you. They tell you, you need to get away because something is going to crash soon. My relationship is the healthiest I have ever been because I don’t put the burden of my anxiety on it. I have professional help every two-four weeks to help me. No drugs, and I want to keep it that if possible. He is amazing and listens when I need him to or I’m having an ‘episode’ but i don’t use him as a ‘cure’. He is my rock. I am only just coming to terms with what my anxiety has ruined in my life, how it has spiralled me out to do some very stupid things. But I have my husband to help me stay alive on the worst days it comes to pass. I wouldn’t be alive without him and that’s the real depressing part.
The other worst bit is that I feel no one understands what goes through my brain on a semi bad to a really bad day and that i’m just a drama queen that wants the attention. Then I feel that if i just ended it no one would care because the biggest burden would be gone. But at the same time I know that isn’t what is true. That’s just the anxiety/depression talking. Everyday is a battle.

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Jonathon
December 23rd, 2018 at 1:24 PM
I appreciate this post as I now struggle with this due to several abandonment issues in past. I am looking for a book that specifically helps in this area. Is there a recommended book?

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JimC
March 29th, 2019 at 1:33 PM
Maybe I missed it but I didn’t see any mention as to how anxiety can effect your sex life especially if you are male. I have suffered from severe sexual dysfunctions for years, before and after my marriage. These dysfunctions make sex unpleasant and intercourse physically impossible. I had no idea what it was until I married and was unable to perform sexually with my wife. We spent years going from therapist to therapist to try to discover the reason behind my sexual difficulties. When none of the Sex Therapists we went to could help us, or even give us any idea what was going on, my wife gave up in frustration while I continued to seek answers. I finally found a psychiatrist who suggested the physical problems might be caused by anxiety. This seemed to make sense, especially considering it was the only theory that did. Still other than anti anxiety meds he prescribed which ended up killing my sex drive, he too was unable to fix our sexless marriage. I wouldn’t wish this malady on my worst enemy. I have lived a sexually lonely life and my marriage is devoid of intimacy.

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Jim
June 9th, 2019 at 1:59 AM
I have been in a relationship for almost 6 years, have an engagement ring in my hand that she does not even know about. She is medicated bipolar and has issues with depression/anxiety (as most diagnosed bipolar people have). I too have my own issues. I have generalized anxiety disorder and it affects me in car rides, almost debilitating. Sometimes it is okay and other times it is not. Making travel a somewhat exhaustive process.

Now, I get blindsided with the “I think we should break up because you won’t travel the world with me when we get older.”. This is preposterous and I have my suspicions that this is a “cop-out” and it makes me feel terrible. We have always had a strong trust and support between us two that I thought would stand the test of time – but I was wrong apparently. It is incredibly unfortunate because I have dropped all my walls and gave in to this relationship wholeheartedly.

Opening up to another person and then having an out of nowhere break-up really sucks. I don’t even know what to do other than move on, improve myself, and go live overseas to spite her. This is crazy. I work, I have multiple degrees, a resume that looks unlike most people in my age-range and the ability to learn things quickly. I know I am a catch. The anxiety though, it is a rough one to accept.

She doesnt even like travelling. She hated the countries she visited, with the exception of one and all other places she isnt even interested in going with me to.

This situation is so dumb.

I came here to vent as an anon character. I appreciate you all taking the time to read this but I will probably not be back.

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AG
August 13th, 2019 at 11:27 AM
could not be more true than what Im facing with my gf right now
We both are stressed and fear eats away at us. It is not how we were so want to get back to better times

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ROBERT H
August 24th, 2019 at 8:36 AM
There is no doubt in this world that at 40 years old almost, I have found what can only be described as the love of my entire life. I do believe that I am a good man, but sadly my anxiety and depression gets in the way of everything. I keep on saying to myself I am not good enough for this wonderful, kind and caring 28 year old man who could do so much better for himself and go off and live his life as he should be. But he only says I am happy when I am with you, that should be enough for me to be happy but I am just always so terrified of being hurt like I have been in the past and just always think I had better just go and let this man be happy. I have always had issues but I have never really had a relationship before because of having something done to me at 18 when I was in a relationship, which made it hard for me to trust and to get close to someone. But 2019 in January was when I decided enough is enough and I went on POF and found the most incredible, kind and lovely man who if I do not do anything about this I will lose him, because of my own stupid and ridiculous thoughts that I try everyday to control, but wow its so horrible when your own head will not ever let you be happy.

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Dennis
August 30th, 2019 at 3:43 PM
I’ve been dealing with anxiety ever since I was a teenager, and I have been using medications to help me deal with it. I love that you mentioned that a therapist can help you to understand your anxiety. While medicine is a great option to deal with anxiety, I think pairing that with counseling would be a really effective combination.

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Babe
February 28th, 2020 at 2:55 AM
Hi, I have read some peoples stories on here and I smile with such relief. You just feel your the only one who is going through this bluff ANXIETY. I have experienced relationship anxiety for years. I married a shy, selfless man, from day 1 into our relationship, this crap engulfed me with fear like a tornado. Thanks to this bastard, I have been searated from my husband for 2 years. In our heart its not what we want. I have read there are on and off couples. I dont want to risk my health, as i nearly took my life. Its like a plague.. should this be investigated, too many people have this problem.

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SHARP
March 23rd, 2020 at 5:01 AM
Oh my god….
The love of my life has been struggling with anxiety for years. That was there already before we got together in 2009. I’ve done my best to be there for her, to make her feel special and loved…But nothing seemed to be good enough. She always thought the worst of me, never fully trusted me and she never believed me.
Her mental state brought me down.. but I blamed myself for how she is and that I couldn’t be there for her.
When she broke up with me on the 21st of December 2019…I tried to kill myself during the night. I took an overdose of painkillers (60 tablets in total) and have been hospitalised for a week. When I came out of the hospital, she kicked me out on the street with a bag of clothes and £20.-.
I have been trying to get her to talk to me…But she has been avoiding all contact. Out of paranoia she has phoned the police on me several times.
And the stupidest thing is….I still love her to bits. She needs help, I want nothing else than to be there for her and support her.

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Leroy
April 14th, 2020 at 10:07 AM
My wife is going through anxiety disorder presently. It’s hard. I am taking the best care of her in every way. It’s like walking on eggshells. Everything is my fault and even in the process of helping her at times am getting cussed out. Am still here doing my best to help her. For better or for worse right?
Angela
April 14th, 2020 at 7:39 PM
Hi Leroy,
I do feel for you and your wife, keep supporting her especially if you feel shes your soul mate. My exhusband was so supportive like yourself, but unfortunately i felt something was missing attraction wasnt there right from the beginning, i thought it will change but it didnt. I love him so much, not sure if that caused the delibitating anxiety on a daily basis. I lost myself. Now i feel fantastic. Its sad but i couldnt force it.

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Maria B
May 19th, 2020 at 7:04 AM
Really needed to read this post today!! I’ve been so terribly anxious lately I overlooked how my husband was feeling. I would demand that he help me with my problems but when he suddenly began to protest I legitimately didn’t understand why he was being so unkind. Turns out he’s been really depressed and stressed himself and I hadn’t noticed :(
This tips are super helpful – thank you for sharing!

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MMD
June 11th, 2020 at 6:13 AM
I found this blog while searching for answers. My husband has become so difficult to live with..angry and argumentative over every little thing. He has a drinking problem as well; in fact, he got so drunk recently that he blacked out while driving and somehow still made it home after driving through someone’s yard! The selfish part–wallowing in self pity and drinking to block it. His situation is that he wants to quit working and feels he has put in enough years, although he doesn’t qualify yet. I get it, yet that isn’t an option to just give up and pass off your responsibilities. I am a caregiver and cannot go back to work either, but he wants me to take over. All he thinks about is escaping–he runs off every day to hide from himself…been married over 30 years and the last few years have been very difficult.

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Sam
February 27th, 2021 at 8:10 PM
i recently had a panic attack my boyfriend whom I am with for 7 years was pissed at me because we had a fight the night before. When i was having a panic attack i called him and asked him for help but he said he cant because he’s pissed at me, instead he just made me feel worse talking about everything i have done wrong, as if i didn’t know that already. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I started cutting myself and it feels like my anxiety is getting worse.

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Claire
May 1st, 2021 at 7:05 PM
I appreciate your explanation that sometimes, anxiety may cause someone to behave selfishly due to built-up resentments. My husband and I’s relationship have been quite rocky these past few months because I’ve been feeling anxious about a lot of things. I think it might benefit me to get treatment for this soon so I can get better.

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Kelly
June 7th, 2021 at 1:53 AM
Hi Guys

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GregW
June 7th, 2021 at 8:10 AM
Hi

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Marc
July 6th, 2021 at 7:32 AM
I am anxious for different reasons. My girlfriend and I have been together over a year, yet she chats with past lovers weekly on Messenger. I am quite stressed about that. She tells me they are just friends, but I feel like guys are lined up for after me.

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Greg
July 7th, 2021 at 9:41 AM
Ask her nicely to stop chatting with past lovers – tell her you’re not OK with that. If she won’t or continues, end the relationship.

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A
November 1st, 2021 at 6:10 PM
As someone who has suffered from GAD and worse periods of constant panic attacks for over 20 years, and sought lots of therapy, I absolutely do not agree with any of the positions that imply partners should stay with an anxious person no matter what, nor make controlling demands on someone to change what they’re doing such as messaging past partners, that in and of itself is a huge sign that you need to work on your own anxiety, and yes someone who is constantly messaging others is also displaying anxious behavior).
Many of the ideas and suggestions here are based on outdated, codependent models of relationship rather than healthy, interdependent, adult relating where people take responsible care of their own emotional states and occasionally (but not constantly) seek support from their partners, while ALSO not placing that entire burden on one person. You should not expect, and definitely not demand, that one person be responsible to support all of your needs, especially to the exclusion of your own needs and health. We all have to put on our own oxygen masks before we can support others.
If someone’s behavior isn’t working for you, you can ask them to change, of course. If they can’t or won’t change, you can make suggestions for how they can get support with changing. And they are perfectly entitled as an autonomous and sovereign adult to choose not to meet your request without being a “bad person,” as you are perfectly entitled to say that when a dealbreaker issue can’t be resolved, then you may no longer need to be in relationship with that person. None of us need to suffer like that. All of us can benefit from therapy and learning to soothe our own worries and fears.

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Stella
November 4th, 2021 at 11:23 PM
I have anxiety issues (though I sometimes wonder if i just have a nervous system that is prone to high stress). and I have had nothing show up on my full body reports, endocrinologists, gyneacs, to explain why I tend to get mysterious illnesses related to stress. My general thoughts are though, people around me are crazy, and I am relatively sane, and my anxiety seems to be a result of their misunderstandings, lapse of judgement, and errors happening and affecting my life. It doesn’t help they had a vendetta against me for some weird reason, which I could understand is to cover up their lapse of judgement. People get angry on internet all the time, they could have said sorry and moved on, but they made it into a giant problem going on for 5-6 years, and till now , I am sure with all the additional money they are investing, their broken relationships, their visits to pych wards and arrests, it can’t be going well for them.
As it turns out, I had no intentions of getting them fired, I like creators stuck with their creations or businesses, but they had some issues that I think its best they discuss with a psychologist and get help for their previous addiction issues.
I am sure I am the rational , sane one here, and i am being as authentic and rational as possible.

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John
May 7th, 2022 at 6:58 PM
I really love all what everyone have been saying …..my relationship is making me feel sad and also cos me a lot of pain since last year me and my girlfriend has been dating for 4years now I love her with all my heart and u have been loyal and honest since I met her this make me not to have any female friends cos u don’t want anything like mistake to happen between us I think you guys understand what I mean… I’m just too loyal but upon all this my loyalty and honesty my girlfriend always cheat on my this relationship pain me a lot I got mad when ever I noticed she’s cheating on me I called her many times to advise her that we should protect this relationship because this is the happiest thing that has ever happen to me since I was born but my girlfriend we still get me wrong and shout at me to stop accusing her of what she does not do I tried to sort things out many times but she always 😭😭lie to me even when I caught her I’m just tired and fed up of everything my girlfriend love me which I know but her friend and street momma mislead her …. I was so much happy when we both gain admission into the Same University thinking she will turn a new leaf when we get to school so I called her when will resume I cry ,beg and advice her to stop cheating we both talked a lot about this that night last year and she promise to change few months later she started her waywardness this really pain and from the bottom of my heart when I find out she’s cheating again right now I’m in a lot of pain of heartbreak cos I don’t know why she can’t stop cheating I forgive her many times and still advice her to change.now were in year 2 in University my girlfriend has turn to something else I even know some of the guys she’s dating and sleeping around with now she really hurt me a lot that I don’t think I can love any other girl again cos I’m in a lot of pain . anytime i tried to talk to her she will just say they are ordinary friend sometime she even told me that nothing I can do about it that she’s enjoying her life.i tried to break-up with her but in some days she’s wil be at my door step crying this will make me feel love and pity her again so I will just beg her even when she’s the one at fault but I will do it just to settle the issue between us just because I love her and I want to protect our relationship but now I don’t know why I can’t forget about her she’s still cheating but I can’t forget about her when ever I told her I’m done with the relationship after some days or a week I will still go to tell her sorry I don’t know what’s wrong with me I want to forget her but I can’t she’s killing me inside but her love has totally won my heart but she’s hurting me badly like sometimes now when I caught her cheating I feel like I should hurt my self last week I ended up in the hospital because I don’t believe what she did and still claiming to be right…..now she told me she’s pregnant for me last week but how can I be sure I’m the one because she’s sleeping around 😭😭she make me lose trust in her but I still love her please everyone here I really need your advice because I don’t know what to do anymore I still want her cos of the true love I have for here at same time please everyone tell me what to do so that I can forget about her cos now when ever I’m thinking about everything she did to me I cry bitterly I even feel chest pain now I just pray anything should not happen to me cos the heartbreak is killing me please I need advice I want to forget about her she’s very wicked to hurt me this is too much I can take it anymore but I still love her

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Charlotte
May 10th, 2022 at 8:50 PM
Dear John, that sounds like a really difficult relationship, I can see how talking to a professional might help you process and move on in a healthy way. To help find a therapist with the relationship/couple experience you are looking for, please enter your city or ZIP code into the search field on this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html. Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. You may click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. Please reach out directly if you need help finding a therapist, as we are here to help. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Mountain Time, and our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext 3. Kind regards, The GoodTherapy Team

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John
May 7th, 2022 at 7:07 PM
She just write me now that’s beginning to please forgive her for cheating and that she’s not pregnant she just want to say that to see my reaction………….I don’t want see her again in my life but I can’t because if i see her face again I will forgive and forget everything she did to me but I’m scared now cos she will do worster again I’m still trying to be strong and I don’t want be get hurt again please what can I do I need advice from everyone it’s just too painful that’s why I write it this long 😭😭

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Saloma
May 12th, 2022 at 8:43 PM
People who are weak will always leave a relationship when they don’t know how to communicate effectively instead of excepting the way a person is and loving them unconditionally without flaws.

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Kristen Summers LCSW
September 10th, 2022 at 4:18 AM
I have identified over the years that anxiety is the opposite of feeling. We hold in our obsessive thoughts and destructive thinking not realizing our anxiety gets worse. I have my clients talk slow and I keep them in their feelings so they learn how to control their anxiety. All addictions create anxiety because we continue to put our hand on the stove. Also, most of us come from families where we feel we have to walk on egg shells. Many people did not get the emotional equipment they needed to take care of them self. Like how to calm you down and how to handle the pain of abandonment and distrust. The past leaks and it collides with our life today. “What we do not work out we live out.” I start at the beginning and through the use of regression, psychodrama, anger work, experiential therapy, and others I help clients rescue their inner child and teach couples how to have a healthy relationship. The article above seems to be addressing toxic love because healthy relationships do not fear being abandoned or left. They also learn the most important relationship is with our self.

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How to Stop Anxiety from Destroying Relationships

Here’s how and why anxiety destroys relationships, and what you can do to stop it.

1. Anxiety breaks down trust and connection …

2. Anxiety crushes your true voice, creating panic or procrastination …

3. Anxiety causes you to behave selfishly …

4. Anxiety is the opposite of acceptance …

5. Anxiety robs you of joy …

As Anxiety Weakens, Your Relationship Strengthens

Building trust within your relationship may reduce the power of anxiety. By understanding how anxiety impacts your relationships, you can create positive change within a relationship dynamic.

A therapist who specializes in anxiety treatment can help you further understand anxiety and help you stop harming yourself and your relationship.

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