You are likely reeling. This was not part of your dream for your daughter. Maybe you were a young parent yourself and envisioned your daughter’s life as being different. Maybe this is totally outside of your experience or expectations.
Breathe.
It’s not surprising that you’re feeling a powerful mix of emotions and picturing a thousand awful and stereotypical outcomes. Anger, disappointment, fear, worry, embarrassment, and grief are common (and normal!) responses. Along with these emotions, solutions are probably also leaping into your mind.
Keep breathing.
At this moment in time, parenting your child from a place of love and reason is absolutely critical. You have the potential to be a powerful guide to your daughter—just maybe not in the way you might think. Many parents have the impulse to overpower their daughter’s wishes and impose their will on the situation. This impulse is typically rooted in love and concern. But your strongest ability to help your daughter lies in your relationship with her. This is deceptively simple-sounding, as doing so is anything but easy. Most parents do not initially find themselves here.
The purpose of this article is not to push any agenda or argue that any one choice is better than another. It is not to explain the ins and outs of abortion, parenting, or adoption. My goal here is to help you learn how to give your daughter the support she needs to make the best and most thoughtful decision she can.
If I’m being honest, this article is about you. Yes, the you that is reeling. This is not your decision, neither legally nor ethically. The decision of what to do about her pregnancy affects your daughter’s life, possibly far into the future. She needs to deeply consider herself, her values, and her goals, and she needs to make–and own—her decision thoughtfully. The more careful care and consideration goes into your daughter’s decision, the more likely it is that her plan will reduce potentially negative impact.
You have your opinions, your values, your experience, and your wisdom. These are valuable. And certainly, you want an opportunity to share these with your daughter. But that will take a relationship. Not the “I’m your parent, and you will do as I say if you are living under my roof,” kind of relationship, but the “I won’t always agree with you, but I will stand beside you and hold your hand and be here when you need me,” kind of relationship.
If you are not currently on the best terms with your daughter, developing this relationship might require some backing up and rebuilding of trust and openness. Some families will benefit from the support of a professional therapist to get there. Just remember, this is an adult issue. Yes, your daughter may still be a child, and she will always be your child. But if you treat her as a misbehaving kid, you are unlikely to be invited to her table. Even if you were able to influence her decision or make the choice for her, there is great potential for a lasting negative impact on both your daughter and your relationship with her. You are important, a critically important figure in her life, but how you approach her determines if she will hear you.
This isn’t the time to talk about abstinence, birth control, or what either of you did wrong. It doesn’t matter how you found out or what you think of the father (unless there are legal issues). Simply be thankful that you now know, and shift into relationship mode ASAP. Your initial reaction may be anger, and you may want to scold and lecture. But this is not the time. It’s time to let your daughter tell you what happened from a place of safety, concern, and information gathering.
The biggest and most important thing is to focus on helping your teen think clearly about herself and her choices. There is no easy decision, and there is no one right decision. But the decision must be her decision.
What you are all facing is big. Really big. But your overarching parenting goals and your goals for your teen haven’t changed. You still want her to be okay. You want her to be healthy and happy, for her to function in the world, and for her to be able to work toward a bright future. Her pregnancy doesn’t change any of that, though it may adjust your vision of her future.
The biggest and most important thing is to focus on helping your teen think clearly about herself and her choices. There is no easy decision, and there is no one right decision. But the decision must be her decision.
Making a decision of this magnitude can be a cognitive stretch for many teens, and your guidance through the process is imperative. We all know it’s extremely difficult, if not impossible, to get a teenager to do what you want if they are not on board. You may get compliance on the surface (when you’re watching), but you lose the opportunity to really be heard. I have seen too many teens respond to their parent’s ultimatums by continuing on the same path, completely outside of their parent’s sight and guidance. In other words, if you forbid her to see her boyfriend again (barring legal issues), she will find a way to see him. She might move out. She might just do what she wants in secret. Either way, the goal of protecting her can end up putting her in an even more dangerous situation. Your daughter can only benefit from your help and wisdom if you maintain your relationship with her.
In a nutshell, your teen needs you to get hold of yourself. This might sound harsh, but you can’t be helpful to her until you do. Find a way to tell her you’re there for her and trust her ability to think this through—even if you have doubts. Yes, your feelings are real and need to be felt and processed. But getting stuck in anger or resentment won’t help anyone.
Talk to your partner, a friend, a therapist, or all of the above. Take time to cry and grieve. Then go back to your teen, ready to help her grasp the lasting implication of pregnancy and model and support good decision-making. When you are calm and able to think rationally, you can help your child do the same. If you don’t feel able to provide calm guidance, I encourage you to seek support for your daughter from a therapist or trusted adult.
Mapping a plan for the future can be calming. Surveying the scene and gathering information is a good place to begin this process. A good first step is to make a doctor’s appointment. Your teen needs to be seen by a doctor whether she chooses to terminate the pregnancy or not. Finding out how far along she is and getting detailed information about prenatal care can help her understand her options and begin prioritizing health and self-care practices.
Ask her about her goals, values, feelings, and fears, and hear what she has to say. Listen with compassion, even if you disagree. Get a sense of her understanding of the choices she has made to that point and of her options for the future. Help her access factual, unbiased resources that can answer her questions.
Though I encourage you to avoid focusing on why your daughter got pregnant, it’s still worth considering the following personal factors. These can indicate that parenting may be more difficult, the grief of adoption more traumatic, and the need for specialized attention and professional help greater.
Have I seen teens with many things working against them parent successfully? Most certainly. What those teens had in common was support, either in their home or from some other source, and a powerful inner resilience and drive.
Now, back to you. What are you able and willing to do to support your daughter if she plans to parent? Do you have the time, resources, and desire to help? Are you able to provide support while she finishes school and goes to college? Can your personality lend itself to seeking the delicate balance of empowering her as a mother, supporting her as a teen and as a teen parent, while still parenting her as your daughter? These are not easy questions. Answering them requires soul-searching and perhaps some uncomfortable honesty. But it is essential you honestly evaluate what you are and are not able to do so your daughter can consider this information when making her decision.
Both you and your child may experience some measure of grief. Grief if the pregnancy is ended, grief if the child is placed for adoption, and grief for a childhood altered if your child chooses to raise the baby. It will likely help both of you to know your child made the best, most informed decision she could. Explore ways to process this grief, and create space to do so. There may not be any customs or rituals in our culture that make a space for this sort of pain, but that does not make it any less real. Rather, it becomes even more important to work through this pain with intention. When grief goes unresolved, suffering may be greater, and there may be an increased desire to cope by finding something to mask or fill that painful space. This “something” may be a positive coping mechanism, but it could also be something harmful such as substance abuse or risky behavior.
You may be also wondering how you can help your daughter prevent another pregnancy. Grounding her until she is 30 is not a good strategy. Instead, I encourage you to help her learn to set appropriate boundaries, find a no-nonsense birth control plan (offer guidance, but this decision should also be hers), and practice ongoing open communication.
This is not the end of her world, or yours. There will be joy again.
I believe in you both.
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