Worse is managing these things while fielding the judgmental voice of my mom, in person or in my head, critiquing my parenting decisions and expressing disdain over the audacity I would “let the kids go to bed hungry.”
I know I have good instincts when it comes to raising kids. And my training in child development lends itself to having knowledge and tools that prove useful. Yet I found myself second-guessing my decisions and feeling stressed about feeding my children. I began to realize I was allowing unsolicited advice, critical comments, and a stream of perceived judgment to get under my skin and negatively impact my mood.
My mom and her mom—both wonderful mothers and grandmothers—come from a line of women who believe in spoon-feeding and stuffing babies until they are fatter than Thanksgiving turkeys. They’ve spent hours on end tricking toddlers into taking yet another bite. Although my kids were growing normally and were above average in the height and weight percentiles, I found myself falling victim to the suggestion that, somehow, I was not feeding them properly or enough.
I began to realize how much I dreaded meals, especially dinner, not only because of the tedious routine involved in preparing meals and getting kids to eat them, but also because of the way I wound up feeling like a failure because of my kids’ (ages 4, 2, and 6 months) inability to sit politely at the table while graciously gobbling up every bite. Sick of feeling defeated every evening, I signed up for a lecture on mealtimes with toddlers that was being offered through our preschool.
I listened with relief (and a slight sense of smugness) as the presenter confirmed that much of the advice recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics was consistent with my line of thinking when it comes to feeding kids. She confirmed it is normal for children to have day-to-day and meal-to-meal appetite changes. Not only do their appetites vary in terms of how much they eat, their interest in certain foods can flip-flop at the drop of a hat. It’s not worth getting frustrated or arguing with your child over the fact he loved black beans last night yet refuses to touch them today. And if your kid eats 10 chicken nuggets for lunch today but nothing all day tomorrow, that’s okay. Experts recommend we look at children’s nutrition over the course of a full month rather than at every meal, daily, or even from week to week.
It was useful for me to be reminded that kids’ stomachs are quite small and don’t need as much food as we may think. Contrary to my well-intended mother’s conviction, a child will not die from skipping a meal; in fact, it’s normal for a child to sometimes be disinterested in food all day. She will eventually make up for it with a huge appetite another time. As long as children eat well at some meals, it’s okay if they barely touch their food during others. Keeping this in mind allows me to let go of much of the frustration that was ruining my meals.
More important than ensuring children eat every bite is avoiding power struggles related to food. When we force children to eat when they are not hungry or interested, or when we insist, “You must be hungry, you need to eat,” we inadvertently set them up to ignore their own body signals. Children need to learn to recognize, trust, and listen to their hunger cues—to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. When we force kids to eat, bribe them, or create the expectation they must finish everything on their plates for us to feel proud of them, we set them up for struggles later in life. Eating disorders, overeating, and using food as a coping mechanism may develop as ways to self-soothe and cope with stress.
Rather than nag children about eating, we need to teach them lessons about nutrition and food and then allow them to make choices. This sometimes means learning the consequences of poor decisions. For example, you might explain, “I’m worried that if you don’t eat your dinner, you may be hungry later,” allow them to decide whether they eat, and let them experience the consequence of feeling hungry later if they refuse dinner. This helps them to learn.
When you eliminate ultimatums, micromanaging, pressure, and control issues over food, you can relinquish some of the frustration that comes with parenting a toddler. You can also instill in your children healthier messaging around eating.
Being consistent with meals and snacks helps children to know what to expect and learn to regulate their appetite. Experts recommend that adults eat with children as often as possible and that everyone eat the same meal. No short-order cooking or making separate meals for kids. Caregivers should control the specifics of meals—the what, when, and where regarding food being served—but children should be allowed to control what they eat off their plates and how much. That’s right—children can refuse to eat specific foods and decline taking even one bite. Parents should choose healthy foods and ensure that at least one item per meal is something the child likes.
In our house, I recommend everyone try at least one bite of each food, even if they think they don’t or won’t like it. We talk about how taste buds change, and I allow the kids to spit the bite into a napkin if they don’t like it. Hard as it may be, I also try to remember that it’s normal for them to not sit still, to play with food, and to make a mess. Depending on age, it’s all part of learning about their world, developing hand-eye coordination, testing limits, and becoming independent.
When you eliminate ultimatums, micromanaging, pressure, and control issues over food, you can relinquish some of the frustration that comes with parenting a toddler. You can also instill in your children healthier messaging around eating.
To recap and give some additional advice I found helpful:
It was validating to step outside of the chaos of my kitchen and hear that my “laid-back” way of handling mealtimes was, in fact, in line with recommendations by the “experts.” Following the presentation I attended, my husband and I sat down with our kids and explained we were going to make some family rules around mealtime. Together, we created a list of rules to make meals more enjoyable for us all. In hopes it inspires your own transformation out of chaos into “hectic but good family fun,” I share with you my family’s list of mealtime rules:
Raising toddlers can be a wonderful, though trying, experience. Don’t let mealtimes drag you down. By avoiding tension and frustration related to eating, you can make meals a more pleasant and valuable experience for everyone.
If you’re struggling as a parent, don’t hesitate to contact a licensed counselor who has experience with child and adolescent issues.
Reference:
Toddler – Food and feeding. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.aap.org/en-us/advocacy-and-policy/aap-health-initiatives/HALF-Implementation-Guide/Age-Specific-Content/Pages/Toddler-Food-and-Feeding.aspx
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