Quieting Inner Critics: Recognize Them, Reject Them, Affirm Yourself

April 30, 2018
Contributed by Robert Cornell, LMFT

Those of us who experienced abuse or neglect in childhood often struggle with inner voices that are self-critical and self-rejecting. These inner critics, voices of guilt, shame, self-abuse and self-rejection, can be toxic to our emotional and spiritual well-being. Their purpose in childhood was to protect us. They may have prevented further harm from caretakers who were abusive, rejecting, critical, or non-nurturing in one way or another. Sometimes we may even create them in order to push ourselves to overcome a lack of self-confidence or the inability to perform.

When we carry these hurtful inner voices into adulthood, they can continue the harmful role of the abusive or non-nurturing parent. In order to guard against these voices and send them away from our present lives before they bring us down, we first must recognize them when they show up in our consciousness. If we can recognize them and name them before they affect us, we can send them packing!

Eight Toxic Voices

This list describes eight of the more toxic inner critics that may show up in our consciousness from time to time:

1. The Judge

The Judge’s rigid and harsh view of morality has little nuance or compassion for us. All about right and wrong behavior and seeing that we behave “properly,” this inner voice is often develops when we absorb the words of a moralistic and authoritarian parent into our consciousness.

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2. The Accuser

Judge, jury, and executioner all rolled up into one, the Accuser does not wait and hover over us, looking out for our erring ways. This inner critic has already made up its mind that we are guilty, that we need to be punished.

3. The Guilt Tripper

This inner voice nags us about wrongs we have done and tells us we should feel bad about them. It is social conscience amped up about two magnitudes above where it should be. Instead of giving us social cues that could help us repair wrongs and mend relationships, it keeps us in an anxious state. In this state, we worry about having wronged someone and being in trouble for it instead of taking steps to fix our mistakes.

4. The Projector

As its name implies, this voice projects our own inner disapproval of ourselves onto others. We think others are thinking negative things about us. But the thoughts we imagine they are thinking are typically grounded in our own criticism of ourselves.

When dealing with critical (sometimes even bullying) internal voices, it is very useful to remember the following three action steps: recognize, reject, and affirm.

5. The Shamer

This voice tells us there is something fundamentally wrong, defective, bad, or shameful about us. These messages can give us a sense of hopelessness about our condition. This inner voice may shame us about parts of our nature that are part of who we are. If it is something we are not able to change, we may experience depression and despair.

6. The Rejecter

This inner voice tells us we are unworthy of being accepted by others, even ourselves. It tells us we don’t have a right to even take up space in the world.

7. The Demeaner

This inner critic tells us we are critically deficient in something very important that would allow us to be valued in human society. Our meritocratic culture emphasizes intelligence, attractiveness, social status, and financial position. In other words, if we feel we aren’t smart or good-looking or lack money and status, this inner voice may challenge us.

8. The Doubter

The voice of the Doubter can undermine our self-confidence. By calling into question our intelligence and ability to accomplish goals, the voice second-guesses our judgment, causing us to hold back.

Confronting Our Inner Critics

Learning to effectively deal with these inner critics can be vital to our well-being.

When dealing with critical (sometimes even bullying) internal voices, it is very useful to remember the following three action steps: recognize, reject, and affirm.

Recognize when your inner critic is sneaking up on you! These voices often begin by whispering into our ears. If we know them well, we may be able to catch them before they turn up the volume. Get to know what they usually say, the tone of voice they use, and when and where they are likely to show up. That way, we can recognize their influence as soon as they start to get on our case and fend them off before they build up momentum.
Reject the critical voices. Turn the tables on them and attack them back harder than they are attacking you. Some people find it helpful to give them a funny name. This can add both humor and perspective and break their heavy spell. For example, you might call the Judge “Spoilsport” or “Wet Blanket.” This can help you feel less grim and diminish the threat by making it less likely you will be influenced by the voice. Talk back to the voices and send them away. “No, Wet Blanket, I’m done with you. You are no friend of mine. Go away!” Let yourself feel some legitimate anger toward these critics. It can dispel the sense of being small and powerless.
Affirm yourself with a strong, positive affirmation. Begin with the proclamation “I am _______.” For example, if you’re hearing the Demeaner, you might affirm, while putting your hand over your heart: “I am worthy of my own love and self-acceptance!“ The connection with your heart space can make this more than a mental level affirmation. It takes the affirmation to an emotional center that connects to your greater Self and others. If the voice is the Shamer, you might stand tall and affirm from your gut: “I have a right to exist!” This connects you to the strength in your solar plexus and lower abdomen. To make these affirmations real, connect them with a place in your body where you may have felt weak, empty, or unfocused in the past. This might be might be the throat, heart space, solar plexus, or lower abdomen. This connection to your body is important. It can give you the strength to face and dispel the inner critics when they resurface.

Overcoming our inner critics can be challenging, but it is possible. If you are finding it difficult to recognize and reject these voices on your own, the support of a therapist or counselor can be beneficial.

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.