Should You Date Someone with a String of Exes?

GoodTherapy | Should You Date Someone with a String of Exes?Unless you are relatively young, it is highly unlikely that you will never date someone with an ex-spouse or ex-live-in-lover. The reality is that a large percentage of people have some history of broken relationships, whether they were long-term commitments or actual marriages. Regardless, should you be concerned about the number of exes a new love interest has? That was the question posed to several relationship experts in a recent article. Holly Parker, a psychology professor at Harvard teaches a class entitled “The Psychology of Close Relationships,” and she believes that when people date casually, the number of notches on someone’s relationship belt should not be a significant issue. However, if the dating progresses to something more serious, perhaps those notches should be examined a little more closely.

She advises looking at the level of responsibility that the person took for the unsuccessful relationships. For instance, did they acknowledge that they played a part in the demise and if so, what did they do about it? Also, she believes that multiple failed relationships may indicate difficulty to commit, emotional problems, or other unresolved issues. These are all things that should be carefully weighed before someone decides to pursue a deeper level of commitment. Some of the red flags Parker advises people to watch for are emotional distance and/or narcissistic behavior. If they are focused more on their own needs than yours, it could be an indication that they will not be attentive to you, emotionally or physically. Parker also says to watch out for people who continually put the blame for previous relationships on their exes.

But don’t rule everyone out based on the number of exes in their past. New York psychiatrist Gail Saltz says, “There is no one-size-fits-all answer, because people get married and divorced for many different reasons.” Saltz thinks that it is unwise to generalize people by the number of relationships they had before they met you. But she does think it’s important to find out how those relationships ended, what changes the person may have made, and most importantly, how the person gets along with their exes now. Immaturity, infidelity, addiction, and abuse are just some of the weeds that can kill a growing relationship. Saltz believes it is better to find out what personality traits your new love may have or may have been subjected to before you venture down an unfamiliar road with an unfamiliar person.

Asa, Richard. Dating in an age of multiple divorces: Navigating the dating scene when your date already has two or three marriages behind him.(n.d.): n. pag. Chicago Tribune. 2013. Web. 16 Jan. 2013. http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/life/sc-fam-0115-dating-divorced-20130115,0,1797022.story

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  • Cathleen

    January 22nd, 2013 at 12:10 PM

    I cannot trust someone who has been in and out of a million relationships. Yes it is next to impossible to find someone who has never been in a moderately serious relationship but that does not mean you should tag along with someone who hires and fires partners at the drop of a hat!

  • adele s

    January 23rd, 2013 at 4:02 AM

    i know i won’t find some man with only a few women in the past, but a string of broken romances is generally going to indicate that there is some reason why he hasn’t been able to commit and maybe he needs to work on that before i dive in and get involved and just become a part of that chain

  • anne

    January 24th, 2013 at 12:04 AM

    “Should You Date Someone with a String of Exes?”

    Well for me,it depends on the kind of relationship I am looking to have.If it is nothing serious and is not going to be long term then there is no harm.but if I am looking for a long term relationship or something serious then if the guy had a string of exes it would send alarms ringing in my head and I would run straight away!

    Its not for nothing that some people have so many exes.yes a failed relationship does not mean the person is wrong.But many of those?That should be a point of caution.Also,the reasons for so many failed relationship may give a fair idea of how to deal with it.but seeing that the information can only be had from that same person,there is not much one can do and it is better to be safe than sorry.so for me if someone has many former relationships then I am not going to get along with that person in the first place.

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