Scars of Addiction: How to Help Children of Addicted Parents

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Sad girl by fence For anyone facing the demon of substance abuse, one of the most difficult challenges is understanding how their addiction is affecting the people around them, including family and friends. In a haze of drugs and alcohol, it is virtually impossible to understand the impact that substance use and addiction have on the people who are closest. This dynamic is especially prevalent when parents are the substance abusers and they are unable to conceptualize how their use is impairing the growth and development of their children.

When a parent drinks too much or is under the influence of a substance, legal or illegal, many kids are likely to find themselves overwhelmed and unable to deal with their emotional reality. Children may deal with feelings of anger, embarrassment, frustration, fear, and myriad other emotions that they may not know how to express.

If there is substance abuse occurring in the home, often the family will try to manage the fallout internally, leaving kids with the feeling they have to protect a family secret. Sometimes, addiction may be influencing one or both parents in a household, but no one in the family unit is willing or able to address the issue. Even a suggestion that there may be problems with addiction can bring anger and backlash from a parent who is not ready to face his or her own substance issues.

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Substance use can also make home a dangerous place for kids. The addicted parent may not be able to maintain work or a steady income, rendering home life unstable. The potential for abuse also rises in households where one or more parents are under the influence. This lack of stability may adversely affect the emotional development of children, leaving them lost, lonely, and stressed.

The long-term effects of these experiences will influence kids in many aspects of their daily lives. Kids of addicted parents often take on responsibility for the household and become what is commonly called the “parentified” child. Such kids are forced into adult roles and responsibilities that are not being managed by the parents. They may become perfectionists in an effort to manage the emotional instability in the home.

These same kids often carry low self-esteem and face challenges when trying to create intimate relationships outside the home. They often have limited emotional awareness and may be conflict avoidant as a means of maintaining a steady emotional state. Holding the secrets of the addicted parent(s) makes it hard for them to build open, honest relationships, which in turn makes it challenging to develop close connections.

All of these are reasons to find help for kids in families with addiction issues. If one parent, family friend, or relative can step in and recognize the issues occurring in the household, there is a window of opportunity to get professional assistance.

It is vital for kids of alcohol- or drug-addicted parents to realize that they are not alone and that there are other people in their community facing the same challenges. It is also important, with the assistance of a professional counselor or support group, for kids to understand that they are not responsible for the addiction issues that their parents are going through. Having a place to share their story and make sense of the emotional turmoil in their home may help kids of addicted parents to process their feelings and begin to develop a stronger sense of self.

The development of self-esteem, independent of a parent’s addiction issues, can help children to regulate their emotional life and adapt to family needs. By providing a place of safety and understanding for kids of addicted parents, we can help children learn healthy coping skills and understand how addiction can affect any home, not just theirs.

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  • 17 comments
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  • Philip

    October 31st, 2014 at 11:22 AM

    Above all else I think that it is critical to keep them away from the rages that can come with dependency and addiction. They do not ever need to face down the wrath of a parent under the influence of who knows what. That is too much for any child to have to bear. If you can it is best to take them out of that situation and even though you want them to spend quality time with the parent, it should never be while they are going to be at risk of being harmed.

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  • Paul D.

    February 6th, 2015 at 4:06 PM

    I believe that many of these children will carry a belief that they were responsible for their parents addictions and therefore blame themselves to some degree, which in turn may result in them self medicating with whatever behaviour they feel eases the pain they feel, or believe they need to feel. I agree that early intervention is crucial to identify what they may be feeling, and to prevent another generation of vulnerable young people growing into a life time of self harm, suffering and pain. Invest hope and belief into them before it is too late. Lots of work needed, and the help is out there.

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  • Linda

    December 4th, 2019 at 9:07 AM

    My dad is a drug addict. He has had issues with drugs and alcohol longer than I had been alive and I watched him change before my eyes. he at least used to care for us and would use behind closed doors. I only saw him drunk a handful of times. now he has lost all respect for me, tells me that he hates my sister and I and threatens to kick us out and if we come back he will call the police. I have finally escaped and moved out because the stress has caused me to have seizures at only 20 years old. He tore apart my sister’s bedroom in a drugged rage, and drunk calls me wasted at 9 am every day.
    He no longer remembers my birthday and will tell me I am not his daughter. He not only has turned away from his children- but he hates them now too. I reached out to his family for help and even temporary housing and they all turned me away. They are cold people.
    I know it’s the drugs, but it still is humiliating and lonely. I am the only one among my peers who has a father who tears apart his home every day. I live with someone I love and he loves me, but I constantly fear I will wreck our relationship because I am always paranoid that he will stop loving me the way my dad’s addiction pulled his love for me.
    I feel that within the next few years, judging by the downward spiral of my dad’s mental state, he will end up homeless, or overdosing. And honestly that doesn’t really make me that sad anymore. i hate who he’s become.

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