If you experience any or all of this, you have a lot on your plate.
Unfortunately, many people struggling with depression complicate matters by (mostly unconsciously) employing coping mechanisms that actually work against them and compound the suffering. In the paragraphs that follow, I’ll identify some of these unhelpful coping mechanisms and explore a possible better path.
All human beings, to some degree or another, develop ways of dealing with pain very early on. It is an innate capacity we all have to adapt and survive, not only physically but emotionally as well.
Just as a plant shapes itself to its environment—sometimes having to twist, torque, or reach in order to get the sunlight and nutrients it needs—people adjust their personalities in order to protect themselves and to get what they need (love, belonging, etc.).
Unfortunately, many adaptations that serve people well as children or adolescents can become burdensome as adults as the external world of the child lives within them. These mechanisms in their common forms may include withdrawal, isolation, overeating, excessive video game playing, obsessive thinking (being “in your head”), or hypersexuality, to name a few.
More uncommon or subversive are the coping mechanisms that, on the surface, appear as symptom or fixed part of the personality, but underneath serve to protect and deflect from the pain of depression.
More uncommon or subversive are the coping mechanisms that, on the surface, appear as symptom or fixed part of the personality, but underneath serve to protect and deflect from the pain of depression.
Depression can be so difficult to manage and experience that it can recruit the most potent of defenses. Especially if you grew up in an environment where depression was in the air, you may have had to protect yourself from both the aloneness and the infiltration of the depression itself.
It is possible you unconsciously had to employ more subversive defenses. The more uncommon or subversive coping mechanisms, ones that were once life-saving, now can add stress if you are experiencing depression. I am thinking specifically of low self-esteem, self-deprecation, minimizing, or doubting thoughts that may seem like symptoms of depression but rather as serve as unconscious strategies. These mechanisms, seemingly depressive thoughts that may have at one time been protective, now are self-destructive.
It might be difficult to figure out if your more negative thoughts are a symptom of your depression or a way to cope with it. And it might be a disturbing (but perhaps ultimately liberating) realization that you could be harming yourself in that way. This inquiry requires quite a bit of curiosity, compassion, and honesty.
However, if you are depressed and feel desperate, it’s a worthwhile inquiry. Are you harming yourself in an effort to protect yourself from the deeper pain and aloneness you felt as a child? You can begin this inquiry in earnest on your own, but I highly recommend you find a therapist you feel comfortable with, one who is well versed in working with depression, and one with whom you can establish a good working alliance.
The following are some questions you can ask yourself regarding your negative thoughts. Write each question at the top of a page, and respond with whatever comes to mind. Write for 10 minutes and then see what comes to you.
If the negative thoughts are indeed a coping mechanism, it is best to get help from someone who knows both the subtlety of the unconscious and the vulnerability that resides in these particular defenses. A trained and sensitive therapist can be of invaluable support because a professional can reflect back the impact of these thoughts and offer a space where you can begin to feel into the feelings behind those thoughts. This is a way to see your inner world more clearly and, ultimately, learn to work with your depression in a more dynamic way.
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