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High Stress Levels in Parents of Adult Children with Mental Illness

High Stress Levels in Parents of Adult Children with Mental Illness

February 13, 2012 • By A GoodTherapy.org News Summary

Any caregiver is likely to be vulnerable to stress. However, parents who care for a child with a serious mental illness (SMI) are at increased risk for adverse physical symptoms resulting from stress. Those who care for an adult child with SMI are even more likely to experience the negative effects of stress because of the length of time that they have had to cope with the difficult task of caring for a loved one with mental health issues. Although there is a vast amount of evidence showing how caring for a child with SMI can negatively impact a parent’s psychological health, there is scant clinical evidence highlighting the deleterious physiological effects to the caregiver. Erin T. Barker of the Waisman Center at the University of Wisconsin-Madison addressed this specific dynamic in a recent study by examining the cortisol levels in individuals charged with the care of adult children with SMI.

For her study, Barker asked 61 parents of adults with depression, schizophrenia, or bipolar to complete a stress diary and submit daily saliva samples over a period of several days. The cortisol levels of the participants were compared to the levels of 321 parents of adult children who had no mental health concerns. Barker discovered that the cortisol awakening response (CAR) of the parents of adult children with SMI increased less significantly half an hour after they arose in the morning than the control group. This suggests that the caregivers had a higher stress level upon waking than did the control group. Additionally, Barker found that the cortisol levels of the caregivers declined less throughout the day than did the cortisol levels found in the parents of adult children who did not have SMI.

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“The fact that a similar pattern of hypoactivated daily cortisol in response to stress has been found across studies of parents of individuals with different diagnoses (i.e., schizophrenia, autism, developmental disabilities, and in the present analysis, SMI) and that used different measures of stress (i.e., behavioral problems of the adult child with the diagnosis, time spent with the adult child, and in the present analysis, daily stress not necessarily associated with the adult child) provides strong converging evidence for this effect,” Barker said. She added that these findings underscore the importance of addressing the mental health, physiological health, and coping needs of aging parents who care for adult children with serious mental health issues.

Reference:
Barker, E. T., Greenberg, J. S., Seltzer, M. M., Almeida, D. M. Daily Stress and Cortisol Patterns in Parents of Adult Children with a Serious Mental Illness. Health Psychology 31.1 (2012): 130-34. Print.

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The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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917 comments
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erin n
February 14th, 2012 at 5:24 AM
There is no parent that should have to deal with something like this in their child, but there are those who do and some handle it well and others are filled with the stress and pressures of having a child with this kind of disability. This is not something that most of us would imagine parenthood being like, but for many parents this is the reality that they have been dealt. It does not make it easier but there are some very good support groups out there who can better help them deal and face the issues that are sure to come their way.

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Dennison
September 15th, 2016 at 8:08 PM
This is for all who comment. PLEASE stop using just abbreviations. No one can understand every single abbreviation. It just tells me you really don’t want to communicate with other people. Please use the whole term first, then show the abbreviation, like this: United States (US). There are thousands of people dealing with different situations so we all need help to understand each other. It’s a small thing, so please do it.

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Lisa
September 23rd, 2016 at 11:37 AM
Thank you I agree with you 100% I do not understand these abbreviations either
motivated
June 18th, 2017 at 6:45 PM
while I paid 90% of the bills , the san diego California family court illegally KIDNAPPED BY OWN CHILD, I WILL NOW RESIST PAYING ANY FUTURE CHILD SUPPORT AS I WAS 9 MONTHS AWAY FROM FINANCIAL FREEDOM. my direct quote ” contractions are the approved method of journalism through comments in any new article. they can see me in court!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ralph
August 5th, 2017 at 2:39 PM
Thanks
Chris
August 2nd, 2018 at 2:19 PM
I live with my adult daughter who is bipolar and has MS. I’m at the end of my rope I don’t think I can live the rest of my life like this I’m depleted physically, emotionally and financially.

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LB
August 3rd, 2018 at 1:38 AM
Chris,
I know EXACTLY how you feel. My adult son is suffering with Schizophrenia and a Severe Traumatic Brain Injury. I am devastated. This is a daily living hell to not only see your adult child suffering but to be on the verge of a collapse due to all the stress of care-taking and worrying about what the future holds. As a single mom over 50, I have never felt so alone and lost in life.
Lori
February 6th, 2019 at 7:23 AM
LB, I have the same situation. 29 year old son with severe Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) from anoxia/hypoxia at birth who is now reacting to all the hurt he absorbed growing up and being different. He gets violent and physical with me and I live alone with him. I have no idea where to look for or to find meaningful help. His problems have destroyed our family, his 2 younger siblings lives, our finances…name it. I can never have anyone over to the house because of the scary unpredictability. I can’t move and let him have the house because he can’t pay the mortgage and I can’t pay for 2 households. He cannot live in an apartment complex because he gets evicted for his behaviors. I need to be planning for retirement but every cent goes to support this person who verbally assails me every single day and physically assaults me on occasion, too. The one time I called for help getting him to a hospital, the local cops arrived with swat gear and 8 cars/SUVs like they were having a dramatic fun time playing with their new toys, then took him to jail over my protests. It cost me $2500 out of pocket for the attorney to defend him. I am 54 and this has been a forced march since he was born. I do not know how I can do this anymore.
Mary Grayson
February 14th, 2012 at 4:34 PM
I feel so bad for these parents who have dedicated their whole lives to taking care of their children who have disabilities. That takes so much strength, something that I am not sure that I would have the endurance to do for the duration of their lives. It seems so bittersweet that they have to dedicate all of this to those kids- I know that the children cannot help it and the parents are dealing with the cards that they have been dealt, but it feels like such a shame that all of these lives get used up in this way.

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Elizabeth
June 7th, 2016 at 10:13 PM
Im 27 years old. Im a licensed skin care specialist. A single mother of a beautiful, healthy, happy little boy. I care for my son and my father who is going through dialysis treatments with heart failure and kidney failure, whos an insulin dependent diabetic , and a wonderful grandfAther and dad. Ive lived with manic anxiety and depression for about 15 years now. Ive been suffering from PTSD, Almost 3 years now…And I have to say… WOW!… after reading some of these comments im having ashamed feelings of who ive become. No, I do not enjoy nor do I want to have these mental and emotional issues. At ALL!!My life is not a waste. Not a burden. Or some kind of cry for attention. And I feel if one does not understand then they shouldnt speak ill on people suffering from mental illnesses… We are not lost causes or beneth anyone. Everyone deserves a chance to be respected and understood. We are not wild animals. Im making small statements in this comment because im taking my time to think about what im saying. What points can I get across without coming off aggressive, disrespectful, angry, judgemental, immature etc. Because truth is im fighting threw my initial thoughts and feelings from reading a few of these comments. But im also understanding their way of thinking. Because I too have had the same thoughts about myself at times. But atleast im still able to look at both sides. I still have my self control. Manors. Morals. And respect for others… Itd be less work to just speak my mind.

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Sherie
August 17th, 2016 at 10:34 AM
Hi Elizabeth , I really feel for you I do.
I look into my sons eyes and often wonder what is going on in his head ! I know he has a struggle because he too picks his words very carefully …too carefully , sometimes it takes a while to listen to a conversation , but we are mums / dads / siblings and we all care.
I often wonder if he has any silence in his head ….I don’t think he does.
Tammy F
December 12th, 2016 at 8:37 PM
There are all levels of bipolar disorder. Sounds like you function pretty well. You have a career, you care for others. Many have loved ones that do neither. I, like you, believe in the redemption and hope for all mankind. When you love someone do much though and see them struggle, hurt themselves and hurt others on a daily basis…it is such a challenge.
Tamara
February 18th, 2017 at 3:48 AM
I would just like to say that nobody is judging here and if they are, they have no clue. I have a daughter who is dealing with depression and borderline personality. I watch her struggle everyday. It breaks my heart to see her pain. And there is nothing that I can do, but to be there for her and it has become very difficult because she has this paranoia going on. She tried to commit suicide once, laid in a hospital for eighteen days. She survived, only to be placed at a Mental Hospital for two weeks. Two weeks. Everyday is a roller coaster ride. Do I think that she is doing this for attention? No. I know better. If she could live a normal life, she would. But as a parent of a thirty year old, my hands are tied. Our children don’t stop being our children when they become adults. And yet, I get told that there is nothing I can do because she is over the age of eighteen. I love my daughter with all my heart. and will be there for her always. This article is talking about the stress levels. And I totally get that. People don’t have a clue what is going on in our lives.
Sandra
September 13th, 2017 at 8:09 PM
I want to say to you…that my adult bipolar son is one of the most beautiful, kind, sensitive souls I have known. It had been a hard parenting journey, to be sure, but I have never thought of him as a burden, less than, or defective…and neither are you!
Hailey
April 19th, 2017 at 2:59 PM
Yeah right! Then there’s the abuse that occurs by the caregiver towards the disabled person. I am always being threatened to get kicked out, they give me things then take them back, they treat my other siblings with more respect than they do me, they used to beat me as a child, they won’t even follow through on the genetic studies on either of my rare INHERITED diseases. They never want to admit fault in anything, not that genetic mutation is their fault, but to find a cure, we need a complete familial profile! I get sent to my room and I’m 48. I had a good home in another state, but was guilted into moving home because my sister was dying of cancer. I got breast cancer 5 months after moving home. After my double mastectomy surgery, they wouldn’t come pick me up; I had to wait 5 hours to get a ride home. And it’s not as if I’m not paying rent, I am. I also buy food, pay for cable and Netflix. I have my own car. I pay my own doctor bills and medicine. I just want some love and respect. I don’t want to hear her yelling at my father all day every day. And I certainly don’t want her to then tell me why she’s mad at my dad! So he called you an A-hole? He’s right! So this article needs to take into consideration the person who is disabled. We adult disabled people, forced to live at home, because even though we’ve worked great jobs for 20 yrs after college, husband steals $90,000 and your left with NOTHING, you get sick……the last thing you need is a spiteful parent who being a crybaby that they have to help. We didn’t decide this for our lives, because quite honestly, this is the last place on earth I want to be…with my abusers!

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Janny
April 20th, 2017 at 4:54 AM
Hailey you are correct that other people can have a very negative impact on our lives. None of us choose these situations neither the person living with mental illness nor the parent. My child is so precious to me but the daily roller coaster and wondering if I would come home and find her dead was too great for me and I had to release myself from it. Now I let it take its course but walk side by side with my daughter. I don’t set goals for her she must do this for herself. Only she can make the choice in determining how her life plays out. We can’t change the hand we are dealt particularly in the case of genetics but we can choose how we live with it. I hope you find peace and walk on a path that takes to where you want to be
sherie
August 6th, 2017 at 1:42 AM
Hailey , move back to where you were happiest … you owe these people nothing.
Lynne
August 15th, 2017 at 1:56 PM
Broken heart – check !! 30 yr old daughter borderline- adhd- anxiety- fearful/ paranoid-
Feels abandoned . She is becoming a bit of a hoarder in a tiny apt that I pay for.
Convicted dui & fired from her job & a breakup has sent her spiraling into a ptsd major
Meltdown- ongoing… sees pschy only for adderall and lexapro. ( she abuses adderall )
Depends on weed to maintain her irritability. Every emotion falls back on anger, rage and she becomes A verbally abusive person that I don’t recognize!!! And then reverts to crying and or drinking. Has little to no understanding how thinks work on a legal level. Displays oppositional defiant disorder. No trust- low self esteem!
I PRAY EVERY DAY SHE DOESNT GET PULLED OVER BECAUSE THE LAW DOESNT RECOGNIZE MENTAL HEALTH- they assume she is a smart ass. She is currently NOT in legal trouble or probation , etc… but she has def done her share in the past.

I worry constantly yet I handle her better now than ever. It is an act of congress to set boundaries, but I have learned to walk away when she’s out of control. Zero control of her emotions and the maturity of a 16 yr old at best. She is in denial 100% and believes she only has adhd, which in her eyes is totally acceptable in society….
I don’t know how she will make it in the long run. All I can do is pray. I am so afraid for her future… love her immensely ~
Terry B.
August 21st, 2017 at 8:03 AM
I am beside myself in dealing with my adult 40 yrs daughter. She came to live with me over 5 yrs ago with my 2 grandchildren. She was in an abusive 7yr relationship ( with children’s father). My husband died 9 yrs ago and then 4 moths later I was diagnosed with cancer. I thought I was giving her a safe place but in the long run she can’t keep a job, only goes to counseling for a few times. then doesn’t think she has any problems, it is everyone else. I have gone to counseling and still go trying to find new ways/tools to help. Her toxic outbursts are increasing, verbal abusive, and pulls kids into the drama. One counselor told me she had Borderline personality and didn’t like working with that type of client, extremely defiant behaviors too. My cancer metastasized to 4 places on my bones , but by God’s grace I am still here, but the exteme stress in dealing with these behaviors is taking a toll on me. and now the grandchildren are being disrespectful too. She doesn’t respect any boundaries. Never paid anything toward household expenses. I have been her child care person as well for over 5 yrs and yet she says I do nothing for her.
Kirsten
August 31st, 2017 at 6:21 PM
Oh, Hailey, you’re the only one who understands. I moved home because of problems of my own, it was supposed to be temporary. I love living on my own. I had troubles, but since I moved home, memories came up, I was going to college [they disparaged me every single day], I went from being troubled to a complete mess. I’ve been cleaning, dealing with vendors, driving, doing it all and I was constantly hurt, told what an idiot I am, I cant even was dishes correctly, so I fell now I AM a complete mess. I am not innocent, I’ve taken some money [small amounts, but still, that’s stealing] and I’ve lost my spirit. I knew there was something wrong with Dad going to the bathroom because I’m next to it–I forced him to go in and he had cancer. It’s now under control. But my mom hates me. I would make her footbaths, I buy flowers [I have no money barely], and now they want me to leave because I’m not chopping trees, vacuuming the whole house, etc, etc. because I’m a mess, now what do I do?????
Maria
June 12th, 2018 at 12:08 PM
My 19 yr old son bipolar never will admit any wrongdoing it’s always someone else’s fault! I can no longer talk to him without it turning into a screaming match he will start saying I’m not listening I will say I am I heard you the first time now he is repeating I am not hearing him now we are fighting about if I’m listening I can’t make him understand I am and I heard him now we are screaming I finally am loosing my mind now because I’m yelling I’m
Called abusive it goes from1-100 in seconds always it’s very hard to deal with he is constantly criticizing me as a parent but at 19 he has never done anything to help me and I have fibromyalgia 2 herniated disks and 2 deformed feet I have worked a single mom even worked a job whee I had to walk 21 miles a night he has gotten everything he really wanted within reason but now he is putting a lot of blame on me cause he never developed life skills he won’t even open a door for me if I am carrying 15 bags of groceries he expects me to cook clean pay the bills give him money wash his clothes let his girlfriend come over and I feel like I am getting blamed for all his shortcomings constantly he hates his life he has no friends because he spends all his time with girlfriend and pushes friends away but no matter what I do for him I am the bad guy and he is a victim I am so over it I get no respect after working my a** off to raise him he has no compassion towards me whatsoever nomatter how many times I say help me I am not well it does not matte he is 19 I lost all my hair from stress 2years ago it is just now regrowing please lord help us have a normal conversation!
Linda
June 8th, 2017 at 4:14 PM
I’m struggling to cope alone with my epileptic daughter,I’m totally on my own ,nobody to talk to,,,she keeps on going into moods,, making me have servere stress ,I love her dearly,love lind

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Randye Kaye
February 15th, 2012 at 12:58 PM
I’m mother to a wonderful young man who has schizophrenia, author of the memoir about it (called Ben Behind His Voices), NAMI educator (Family to Family)and blogger…and the post I’m working on now is called Mental Illness and Families: the “Burden of Care”. This is a sensitive and important subject for us all, as we strive to balance our loved one’s independence with their needs, and our own lives with those of the people we love. Stress, indeed – I am not surprised. We do, like it or not, parent our children “for better or worse” – but I will say that education about mental illness saved our emotional lives. My family knows we take care of others when we can, but also must take care of ourselves or the results are not pretty.

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vickie
March 2nd, 2017 at 7:40 AM
my concern is my son is 31 going on 16 and mentally ill I’m a single parent and worry how to make sure he is taken care of when i pass his father is deceased also I worry every day how i can keep his life like it is now in a home .he will not go to a group home is there anywhere where kids like my son can have a home environment when i pass

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Gwynavere
April 7th, 2017 at 4:53 AM
Start researching trusts, I cannot stress this enough. There are different types of trusts, living trusts, dynasty trusts etc. Take out a massive life insurance policy on yourself, at least 1 million even if you have to do it through multiple life insurance policies. There are also insurance policies to pay off your mortgage when you die. Invest in some annuities for the trust. If you own property put it into the trust. Make sure the life insurance goes into the trust. Assests held in trust can not be calculated for medicaid purposes or disability benefits. Assets in the trust are protected from creditors. Trusts have tax advantages. Your estate will not be tied up in probate. You must have the trust drawn up by an attorney who specializes in trusts. Trusts also protect assests in the event of divorce, in the event your son is victimized after you are gone. I do not know what kind of assets you currently have but your goal is to put as many money making assets into the trust before you die as humanly possible. Rental properties are one of the best things you can invest in because your renters can be paying the mortgages. The trust is going to need to pay the property taxes on the property he will be living in, among other things. Have a will drawn up. Do not use legal zoom, go to a real attorney and have it executed properly. There are different types of trust. One type gives you control on putting things in and taking them out, which is what I am currently working on. In this type of trust, any real estate that is placed into the trust can have a thing written into it giving your son the right to live at this property for his lifetime, The beauty is that the property will never be in his name. You can do this in a dynasty trust as well. Full service condos with a doorman are not a bad idea. I am acumulating a real estate portfolio with the end goal of of creating a Dynasty Trust. A Dynasty trusts costs roughly 20K a year to maintain and they are good for 100 years. I need to make sure the Dynasty trust can support the cost of its maintenance and pay for and take care of exactly what I want the trust to do. Once you put an asset into a Dynasty trust, you can never remove it from said trust. One of the best states to have a dynasty trust drawn up and created is Nevada. You do not have to live in Nevada. If you decide to start accumulating properties, I strongly urge you to get a real estate license. This will educate you and save you money on transactions. It will also give you access to the MLS. You can get your license online. Go to the state Real Estate Commision site for the state that you live in that is run by the state. There you can find the requirements and a list of approved schools to include online. I very much feel your fear as I am in a similar situation and am not married, nor am I rich. However, I research voraciously and am determined to leave things in the best possible way I can before I leave this earth. There is so much information on trusts online that it will have you reading for days. It is best to be well informed before going to the trust attorney. You will find do it yourself trusts online that are beyond cheap. However, these these do it yourself trust are not really worth the paper they are written on. Your goal is to make sure that every T is crossed and every I is dotted. You want this to be air tight so that when you are gone everything will be in order to the best of your ability. Best of luck to you.
Vicki
April 7th, 2017 at 9:25 AM
As suggested by Gwynevere, set up a trust. I am in the UK and am in the process of setting up a disabled persons trust (to capture the new higher rate Inheritance Tax band for property which came into effect yesterday) and a discretionary trust for the rest of the estate when anything happens to me- it’s managed by Rethink- a mental health charity in the UK.
Jonathan
May 31st, 2017 at 10:13 AM
Vickie, we are in a similar situation. Gwynavere gives great advise. Here it’s called a “Special Needs Trust”. There are specialist attorneys who do just this area of specialty. It protects your son from losing any government benefits he may be eligible for. Also, check out your own Social Security benefits for “Title 2” benefits for your disabled adult child. I relate directly with you and have a 28 year old in a similar situation; it’s not easy but we need to take care of ourselves along the way. J
sherie
April 20th, 2017 at 11:01 AM
I’ve just started to let go , I’ve struggled for years to find something to make him better ” cute him” almost .
I’ve found him voulantary work and real work … and none of this works.
I too now just go with the flow .. though unfortunately it’s rather expensive .
But I’d rather have him here.

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Kathy
June 14th, 2017 at 8:12 AM
I have been struggling for about 10 months now. My son is 23 never ever gave me a problem growing up, was 6 classes away from graduating with an Engineering Degree and had a complete mental breakdown, hurt himself twice baker acted in hospital. He got so involved with some religious stuff and the studies of Ram Dass that he now worries so much about war that he thinks god has chosen him to stop war that by taking his life or hurting himself to stop war. He will tell you he does not hear god talking to him its just a belief. He has withdrawn from talking to anyone, he sits in room all day, this is a young man that graduated high school with a 5.4 GPA, he was Band Captain played 4 instruments, is an amazing musician, was always thinking of new goals, was a health nut worked out everyday only ate healthy stuff now he eats all kinds of junk doesn’t work out doesn’t care about his appearance. This is a young man that is brilliant that built a computer from the ground up that is so intellectual that when you talk to him you don’t always understand what he saying. I am a single Mom, I not only have a my 23 year old son but I also have a 2 year old surprise surprise late in life daughter who needs my attention and I find myself so torn, wanting to enjoy what she has brought to my life but feeling overwhelming guilt everytime I have a good day or good moment. My son was raised with so much love, he was the center of the family we have been beyond proud of him but something happened, he tried acid once and unraveled after and has not been same since, he never did drugs before never gave me any trouble at all growing up. He was accepted to the Naval Academy went for plebe summer then begged to come home out of nowhere and went straight to college and in senior year when everything took a turn. He as on medication but still didn’t want to live and it made him feel horrible he wont get help because he says nothing can help him that he has to do this to stop war. I feel as if I am a bad Mom, I am supposed to be able to help him but I can’t and I don’t know what to do. I feel such tremendous guilt about the night he hurt himself he texted me asking me what my favorite movie was and then I could not reach him the rest of the night I knew something was wrong, I was so far away. I feel guilt over what he went through, what was going through his mind did he need me. Now I have guilt over him being so lost and his mind constantly filled with thoughts of wanting to die, some days I wish I could just take his pain his thoughts for one day. I don’t sleep much I finally lay down around 2 am after crying for hours and thinking of an obituary in my head. How do I help him? I do help him find peace and be happy without pushing him deeper and further away. My son has always told me he loved me and for 23 years I have not missed a single day of telling him I love him if it be by phone, in person or by text, but with all he is going through he says he does not care about any of us that love won’t matter when he no longer exists. I need help he needs help but I am alone and lost and so exhausted worrying

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Lynn
August 27th, 2017 at 8:16 AM
My heart goes to you and I feel your pain. It is so hard to see your child suffer like this. My 18 year old was diagnozed with schizoaffective disorder about three months ago and I’m heartbroken. He’s not had an easy life and I care for my husband/his dad as well; he had a devastating stroke nine years ago after routine surgery – he is fully dependent on us for daily activities. I do feel guilty at times as well but we’re allowed to have a good day. We need to take care of ourselves because we’re no good to our loved ones if we’re empty shells. Enjoy your daughter; she is growing up so fast. It’s so difficult to accept we can’t cure our children – all we can do is support them and let them know we’re there for them.
Lynne
August 15th, 2017 at 2:10 PM
I am the sole caretaker of my 30 yr old daughter and watching my family react to her illness is really hard to choke down sometimes. They cannot see through window that I look from. They only see raw behavior that is unbecoming, but also not really her fault. She’s very smart, however, lacking communication skills socially. To meet her her at first glance, she is kind ,polite and friendly, so no one would ever imagine the other side of her life. Some people you look at them and it’s obvious they have a disability and they program themselves to that mode of awareness. My daughter doesn’t look any certain way where one might think maybe there’s something going on. It hurts her image and she can’t control it or understand it. Some days I just block it out temporarily in order to reboot myself. I try to explain to family and they become fearful based on the stigma that goes with it. That breaks my heart and sometimes angers me, but I am staying focused on helping her ! She is priority. Everyone else is on their on. They have the coping skills that she is lacking. Thanks for letting me vent here. I’m sure I need my own counseling, but I figure 16 yrs experience gives me a lot of credits. Never have I researched anything so digently in my life. She is worth it 🙏🏼

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Mary Kirsch
August 15th, 2017 at 3:32 PM
There isn’t a whole lot we can do except pray and be there for one another. Once they become adults we watch them suffer. Going they it AGAIN with daughter age 39. She is bipolar on the wrong meds and does not see a problem .Has alienated the entire family. It’s a roller coaster most of the time.
Sam
February 15th, 2012 at 1:54 PM
I grew up with an uncle who had to live his whole life with my grandparents because he could not live on his own. They never once complained about the constant care and the sacrifices that they had to make because that was his child. Some people said it was a blessing when he died but my grandparentsgrieved and grieved because he was always their little boy and they loved him more than you could ever imagine. No matter the situation it is never easy to lose and bury your own child.

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Lynne
August 15th, 2017 at 4:07 PM
I consider them lucky to be able to live together. I would still have mine with me but she has slowly became enraged and she has flat out said ” you have no idea how much I hold back “. We have been in a few semi physical interactions and she doesn’t want to live with her Mom at 30. She knows she is behind as far as comparing her life to her friends ( most of which have become distant 🙁) I called the police once just to prove to her I need back up and once again to reinforce it… I had to do it and it hurt like hell.
I would give anything to let her live with me- but this is where we are at.

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Janice
August 16th, 2017 at 4:19 AM
Lynne. We have been where you are just with different problems as a result of our adult children living with mental illness. I wonder why you think living with you would make a difference. We all tend to think we can have some level of control over what happens to our adult children but we really cant and sometimes having them at home is more intense and without a break although I do realize that having them somewhere else means that you worry about the unknown. My child lives with me but every day I am unsure if she will survive that day and wonder what I will face when I walk through the door. Others have already dealt with the death of their child . We cannot change that outcome, I have resigned to that but remain as my wonderful daughters cheerleader and always walking alongside her to support her and work with her to find options. I don’t set goals or expectations for her. Mental Health Services are so bad here in Nova Scotia that I am on the verge of packing up and going back to Scotland where healthcare is better but she also has to want that and choose to work towards recovery. I cant make her do that but just offer her options. Once we stopped battling and started working together she saw me more as an ally rather than something else to fight against and that is how we continue. I have found that my own stress and pain decreased when I released myself from the responsibility of making it all better. I cant and wont waste energy and our relationship on an impossible goal. I send positive thoughts to you and your daughter and all of the others on here to find peace and a level of acceptance
Lynn
December 30th, 2018 at 3:05 PM
Beautifully stated!

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C n See
February 15th, 2012 at 11:45 PM
Parents may love the child and take care without a single complaint ever but it does take a tool on them.It snot easy caring for an individual with a health problem and is bound to have stressful and thereby making things even difficult :(

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michelle
June 25th, 2012 at 12:11 PM
Then there are the added complications of legal problems some of these children experience. As a mother to an adult child who is bipolar, I was not prepared for him to also have to navigate legal troubles that resulted from his behavior. Truly, nobody I know can understand how terrifying this is. His birth mother is deceased so there’s no place to go for genetic history. And the courts don’t seem to care that the offenders have issues that incarceration alone cannot fix. It’s a very scary addition to an already stressful existence.

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keri
June 2nd, 2016 at 1:27 PM
I know exactly how you feel. My son is mentally ill and addicted to adderall. I just want my son back.

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Lynne
October 5th, 2017 at 6:23 PM
Michelle- I know all too well about the legality issues. It was quite a scene dragging her to court in the midst of a full blown anxiety attack, but we made it and she has finally complied and we are done. She has learned finally, as an adult I can no longer speak on her behalf for any legal or medical matters. No arrangements etc… no sugar coating. Since her 72 hr recent mental evaluation at Hosp and a short visit to a Behavioral Hosp ( released as not a suicidal risk ), she has stayed off adderall. Adderall in my humble opinion is the worst drug on the market. It totally changed my daughters brain. She was emotionless and irritated by everything. They did not give it to her at Hosp, thankfully, but did keep her on Lexapro. So far, much improved….
I know there’s no instant cure, but for her to see others who were suicidal, with more severe symptoms than her- it made her appreciate life a little more. I understand I can’t keep her with me forever and protect her all the time. I just miss the time we lived together and these issues did not exist.. I am a widow. I have CKDIII ( stable ), I do have more peace of mind with our separate living qtrs. I am grateful for the improvement and I know this will be an ongoing situation. I am thankful for good days and just pray to get thu the bad ones. I am also in the process of helping her with SSDI.
She finally has realized she does need help and I can’t leave her enough to suffice for life, so this will be a little security. She hasn’t worked since being fired twice. No confidence, no coping skills and severe communication skills, etc… Anyway- maybe someone reading this tonight will get a little boost of hope. I have finally learned setting boundaries are key and in my case, when things became physical, I had to have assistance. I told the police I did not want to press charges for assault- she needed the evaluation. She was feeling too comfortable threatening me with killing herself. I was pretty certain it was a manipulation tactic, but I had to do the only option I had. I think she may be cured of that threat now after seeing where it led her. omg- I’m sorry- I have just rambled wayyyy to long. Good luck to all!!! Prayers of peace and hope🙏🏼
pat
August 26th, 2019 at 9:18 PM
can I get on to comment ? I do not need a therapist.
V
August 17th, 2016 at 12:54 PM
The legal system is a nightmare for parents of mentally challenged adult children. We are emotionally and financially punished for mistakes our children make. Life is a daily trial of stress and disappointments.

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Melissa
September 17th, 2016 at 4:01 AM
I have experienced, first hand, the mental anguish of attempting to rescue my mentally ill daughter from the judicial system which is in desperate need of reform. Law enforcement, correctional facilities, and the entities of the court are not educated/equipped to recognize the line that distinguishes “criminal” behavior from a serious mental health issue. The limitations set by the provisions of the law do not acknowledge or give consideration to an individual who’s behavior is secondary to the onset/presence of a serious mental health crisis, unless “they are an immediate threat to themselves or to others”……apparently, unless an individual is holding a grenade and threatening to pull the pin, the criteria for intervention has not been met. My daughter needed help. I explained her situation to every police officer and sheriff who came to my door, as well as to two public defenders, the judge, the district attorney, her probation officers and two different mental health facilities. My daughter should have never been allowed to suffer the trauma and injustice that she was subjected to. It is agonizing to think about everything she’s been through; lost within her own mind and at the court’s disposal; vulnerable and without advocacy. I love her so much and she needed me, but she’ll never truly comprehend how desperately I tried to save her…
Tammy F
December 12th, 2016 at 8:29 PM
My daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 14. She is now 32 and life has become extremely difficult for everyone in our family. As always, life has to completely revolve around her. Not her 13 year old son that my son is raising, but her. She insists upon it, and will do whatever it takes, destroy property, cause countless scenes, anything to have that constant attention. It is wearing us all out. I am a classic enabler. I think it is guilt over a million things. What if I had done this, what if I had not done that, it goes on and on. She was living in my very nice condo, and last night I went over to check on her and she had utterly destroyed the insides of the condo. There were countless hammered through the drywall areas, door holes in many doors broke countless windows and shattered my French patio doors. I called the police, again for the second day. The day before she left a message for her son telling him to never call her again, that this was goodbye and that she loved him. He came screaming into the bedroom that his mom was going to kill herself. Anyway, after tearing the condo up, the police did not arrest her (there was over $12,000 worth of damage to my condo) and gave her the choice of going to a hospital that had a psychiatric ward. She was totally released an hour afterward. I told her not to go to the condo again, EVER. This was all one week after a three day rehab stay and a drunken hiatus in which she went off the road and hit 5 parked cars. She swears she wasn’t really driving. That someone put her in that seat afterwards. She is really, really mad at me because I will not get her another car, so that she can drive and possibly kill people the next time. Anyway, my example of having a bipolar child such as mine is that if a large semi were coming toward my daughter on an open road, I saw it first, I ran into the road and pushed her out of the way, my blood spatters everywhere, her concern would be that my blood go all over her clothes. Sounds weird, but that is how I describe having a close association with someone that is bipolar. You could never do enough and everything you do is ridiculed. It is deeply sad. I wish laws would change. I cannot ever even talk to her treating psychiatrist when she does go in for treatment. Only her treating psychiatrist can go before the judge to have her placed for a longer treatment time than 72 hours. I keep hearing “she is entitled to her freedom, she has rights”. What about everyone else’s rights? How on earth can someone that cannot think a straight, intelligible though have the rational mind to go seek proper treatment. It isn’t going to happen. Thanks for listening.
Donna
December 13th, 2016 at 12:04 PM
Until Mental Illness is accepted as an ILLNESS not a choice, parents (especially mothers ) will continue to be blamed for the behavior of their offspring. This has been my experience going on 37 years of being a parent of a mentally ill daughter. I still get asked “Can’t you make her understand “! Do people think that if I could make my child behave we would be having these discussions, “airing our dirty linen”?
Joan
January 16th, 2017 at 3:11 AM
What an ongoing struggle it is to have an adult child that can’t manage to grow up! My daughter is 26 ADHD, with mood disorder and now has severe Crohns disease. She still lives at home and constantly leaves a mess. She can’t save her money. I know she is struggling, but I don’t know how much longer we can support her.
Angela
January 16th, 2013 at 8:56 AM
I have a son that suffers from a TBA from a MVA. He has the same things as schizophrenia. He also has so much anger. Me and his father are at a loss. He has tortured us now for the past 7 years. His dad has just had a break down. This can not go on forever, what can we do? We love him but he is not the son we raised.

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MJ
August 16th, 2016 at 9:34 AM
I am new to this. Although I have a daughter that has BP. I need help.

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Diane
August 16th, 2016 at 10:50 AM
I have a 27 year old who has exhibited symptoms of schizophrenia for the past 2 years. I try to keep the focus on me with daily self care of yoga, walking, meditation and swimming. It helps a lot. Also I just came across this site which offers support groups via Skype. parentsforcare.com

I’m planning to attend this month.
Ruby
August 16th, 2016 at 11:23 AM
I have an adult daughter that has BP. I changed my name from MJ to Ruby. I noticed when I was reading that there already is am MJ. I really need to have people to communicate with that understand. Thank you.
Sherie
August 17th, 2016 at 10:39 AM
You’d better hurry up and get some kind of back up …..you don’t want to leave it until your pulling your hair out.
Sherie
August 17th, 2016 at 2:18 PM
Mj …are you in England or America???
Shirley L.
October 29th, 2016 at 7:46 PM
It’s very important to realize that it’s just not possible to be all things to all people and it’s very important to get into a support group starting with your local pastor or priest. Do not try to take care of the situation by yourself, especially with bipolar cases, as you could very well get into a situation that could be very dangerous. Mental illness needs professional attention. It’s out of bounds for any elderly individual to attempt to cope with. so start with the clergy and from there call any mental health organization

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judy
November 11th, 2016 at 9:40 AM
I do to have a son 30 years old with schizoaffective disorder I can’t even find him a psychiatrist even though he is in counseling it takes 5 more weeks to find a psychiatrist and he is borderline hospitalization again which would be 9 times this year alone around 18 times since he’s been sick for the past pyears I have no help my husband pretty much gave up on him my daughter’s think that it is just an inconvenience I myself will not give up even through the hard times when he is extremely mean to me demanding and downright scary sometimes I feel like my hands are tied not even getting the help I want from the Department mental health that he is now a member of his counselor can expedite a psychiatrist his MD has no clue what to do I am trying to find a therapist to talk to and that is been taking over 6 weeks to just get a appointment for myself really need some help and input would really love to speak to somebody who is also going through the same anguish as I am. feel so all alone

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Susan
January 2nd, 2017 at 9:55 PM
I have a 23 year old that for the past 3-4 years we have become aware that he is dealing with ADHD. With high in the anxiety and spontaneity. We are being bullied and verbally abused in our own home. My husband and I walk on eggshells, he basically has taken over. We have done the police, swat unit surrounding our house, F1 2 times he refuses medication. He was doing well with proper nutrition, vitamins therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy. But recently in the past 6 weeks we are again entering into Crisis mode. We barely left it. We don’t know how to cope, we are loosing out grip we need help and direction. He is refusing to see his therapist now. My husband and I still have each other and we need to continue to form a strong front. Any suggestioneds we would appreciate. Is there a support group in London Ontario?

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Lynn
January 26th, 2017 at 3:21 PM
Tammy F. for the first time I feel like someone knows exactly how I feel to be a parent of a biopolar adult child. How I wish I could chat with you one on one ..what you described is exactly what I am going thru.

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Leslie Adamson
May 6th, 2013 at 9:57 AM
I am a mother of two schizophrenic daughters. I have been trying to care for them for 12 years. One lives with me and I cannot continue since my mental and physical health is now coming to an all time low. I have done this alone with the help of DMH. I know that I will have to find permanent housing for the one who has lived with me. This is an unbearable thought..it is like asking me whether I want to cut off my left hand or my right hand. I feel guilty that I am no longer able to bear it, but I am even more stressed not having her by my side. I simply can’t handle it anymore. I am working with DMH. Any words of encouragement or support out there?

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Ruth
July 26th, 2015 at 2:04 PM
Hi Leslie. I’m sorry that you are faced with such an agonising decision. 7 months ago I was forced to make the same decision. We were moving house and decided enough was enough. I could no longer cope with the stress of living with my 22 year old son who has ASD and severe OCD. His mental health problems had got so severe that he had stopped going out, washing, changing his clothes, shaving and was barely eating. He was 6ft and weighed 9 stone. I could no longer bare the stench of urine in the house and could not cope with cleaning up the pee in the bathroom floor. Worst of all I could no longer bare the agony of helplessly watching him deteriorate. I made an appointment to see his GP and told him that we would not be able to accommodate him in our new home. This triggered an assessment from the crisis team who assessed him and decided that he would be best placed in a care home. I was heart broken and still live with the constant guilt but I know that I made the right decision. One of the AMPS that assessed him said that if he stayed living with me he would never have a life and neither would I. Sometimes you have to be strong and put your emotional feelings aside in order to do what’s best for them. It’s hard at first but things do get easier with time.

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Shanon
July 28th, 2016 at 12:36 AM
You described my son a d I to a tee. I can’t get anyone to help me and my hey just keep sending him Home from the hospital time and time again. His case managers keeps saying he can’t help me with finding a group home because my son doesn’t want to go to one. Why can’t anyone see he sleeps all the time never goes any where and is so rude to me and my house is a mess everything I come home from the work. He doesn’t take his meds and he is a big boy I can’t force him. What do I do ? I need help please ..joplin. mo.
Marilyn
August 6th, 2016 at 7:35 PM
Sometimes I feel like Im being punished. My father was schizophrenic and my 21 year old was also diagnosed schizophrenic about 4 years ago. Sometimes I feel this is a Karmic punishment. Lack of insurance makes this even more difficult. I feel so lost and helpless.
G B
August 6th, 2016 at 8:53 PM
Hi Leslie….as well as to all of you suffering a mental illness and/or are a parent and/or a family member living with or related to one who has a mental illness. Your sweet request shaded with sadness for some encouragement prompted me to say that regardless of all the hype out there, all the clichés etc., there really are people who don’t know you and who do think of you whomever you are and wherever you might be, and sincerely wish you all the very best and for things to turn around for you. I cannot imagine the pain and torment of the choices you have, all being so painfully heartbreaking…and to cope for as long as you have you are a true angel from heaven like so many caregivers are. I honestly believe you are all simply superhuman. To keep your strength, and I struggle to remind myself of this also, we must all help ourselves remember, we cannot help those we love if we kill ourselves doing it – i.e. we must take care of ourselves to be able to properly take care of those who we love so so much, even if they do not understand that is why the toughest most heartbreaking of decisions have to be made. By no means would I ever, ever tell someone what they should or should not do, but there are a type of person in this world that is so special, born with such a heart of gold (which sounds like you Leslie and many others here), that give so whole-heartedly and are the kindest most caring people, that it befalls your ‘neighbours’ (such as a stranger stumbling upon this blog) to remind you ‘you must put your seatbelt on and oxygen mask before you help anyone else with theirs’ (I’m sure you’ve heard those pre-flight instructions!) you must, must take care of you even though it goes against everything you think is right, because without your strength and your good spirit in tact, you can’t do all the good you want to :) Everyone here has a struggle that makes them feel alone in this world…but prayers go out for you from every race, religion, and country where the special angels of this world, the carers, are thought about and remembered and sent loving positive thoughts. Think of them as little hugs on the breeze as you walk down the street or open your door and remember that people want the best for you and your family whatever that might look like. With much love and gratitude to you all, you are the heroes of this world and you are not forgotten oxox

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Ingrid Brandao
June 12th, 2013 at 5:31 PM
Hello Leslie,
It seems that we have much in common….I have two adult sons, age 27 with schizophrenia. Fortunately, I have my husband, but our lives are very painful and stressful, as you know.
Maybe, we can help each other cope.
Ingrid

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Rhonda
December 28th, 2016 at 8:00 PM
Hello. I am the mother of a 28 year old B-Polar son, who also has a Mood Disorder and Severe Paranoia. His father, who is deceased, also had the same disorders. I deal with my son everyday. I have been through so much since he turned 16. And, so has my son, may God bless him. My Father (passed 2 years ago) and Mother (passed November 22, 2016). I took care of them both, in at home hospice. I work a full time, as a teacher. And, my husband has had five genetic brain hemorrhages in the last six years. Now, in dealing with my son, oh my, it it an ongoing task. The system does not work. He can get help whenever he is suicidal or wanting to kill someone. He and myself have told police, judges and the mental health professionals, in our area, that he will end up committing suicide or killing someone, hopefully not me, if he does not get help. He has put his girl friend in the hospital 3 times, went to jail, and someone always bails him out. It is not pretty when this happens. He sees a psychologist and psychiatrist. He takes his medication, but that has not helped much. I do not know what to do. My Mom and Dad are gone. I take care of my husband. But, helping my son and taking care of my son is taking its toll on me. He (we) are in the middle of getting him on disability. I need to find a way to deal with him, be there for him, and help him, and not let it affect my nerves and life so much. Does anyone have any suggestions?

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Loretto
August 1st, 2013 at 10:30 PM
I’m actually on the flip side of this situation. I’m disabled due to a mental illness (Bipolar Type II and Generalized Anxiety Disorder) living with my elderly mother. My illness is not so severe that my mother is caring for me, but I started looking for alternate housing last year, when I realized that my mother is actually contributing to my illness. This past spring, I started to pull out of a three-year major depression in which my major form of exercise consisted of turning over in bed to lie on my other side for a while. I begged my mother to push me assign me a few household chores, make plans for shopping trips the next day for me to go along on, and her attitude was, I’m an adult, if I want to lie in bed all day I should go ahead and do that. As I’ve become psychologically less depressed, I’ve developed a lot of physical problems and illness, which I think is at least partly depression related. I had started managing my anxiety by meditation and other holistic means. And my mother has become increasingly emotionally abusive- not yelling and screaming, but playing sick little mind games. I’ve applied for housing in several other buildings over the past several months, but waiting lists for low-income and disabled housing are years long. Things came to a head last week. I had just gotten a part-time job as a video chat hostess working over the internet, and so while I’m stressed over my new job (I really like the job, but the apartment is too small for me to have a permanent workspace, so setting up and tearing down is a lot of work) she has been laying additional obligations on me, leaving housework undone at about the time I would need to be setting up my workspace, and nagging, nagging, nagging. You’d think she would be glad that I have something that helps with my sense of self-worth and contributes to the household income and cut me a little slack until I get settled into the job and can get a routine going. I had to go back on my anti-anxiety medication largely due to her abuse. The other day, I reached a breaking point, and contacted my DMH worker and told her if I didn’t get into new housing soon, I’m either going to commit suicide or become violent toward my mother. My DMH worker told me my situation is actually common- elderly parents will emotionally abuse a mentally ill or disabled adult child to the point that they crack and either threaten violence or actually hit them, then cry “elder abuse”, and once that accusation has been made, you’re guilty even after proven innocent and will never be able to get into disabled housing where there are elderly people living in the building (which is the case in nearly all housing for the disabled). The stress and abuse has affected my physical health to the point I’ve had to take off work in order to recuperate. I’m an independent contractor, so I can do that, but it makes me look really unprofessional and the company I’m working for is not happy. My DMH worker may be able to get me into housing within the next couple of months, but the rent will be more than 80% of my SSDI income, so I need to get back online and working again so I can start making enough extra income that I can afford the rent and utilities. Meanwhile, over the next couple of weeks, I’m going to be contacting the Housing Authority and see if I can get bumped up on the wait lists because I’m in a crisis situation, but for the time being, I just have to white-knuckle it.

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sherie h.
September 13th, 2015 at 1:12 AM
Be strong loretta you’ve come this far ….
X

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Hailey
April 19th, 2017 at 3:20 PM
I can completely understand. On top of being Dx with Fibromuscular Dysplasia and ehlers danlos, I have severe depression, anxiety and PTSD from 2 strokes. My mother contributes to my health’s downward spiral. I’ve stopped taking my meds just so I can move this disease process along. My mom constantly threatens to kick me out, which is abusive, as I have abandonment issues. I can’t understand why some of these other posters can’t see that they can be part of the problem. That they need counseling as well in order to understand better reactivity techniques. No, instead, let’s just blame it on the person who is already sick, already dealing with more than most could ever bear, more than they asked for. They aren’t doing everything they can. If I lived anywhere near you, I would be your roommate. I’m pretty chill, but get angry when people do t u derstand their own culpability in situations and come onto posts like this and blame disabled persons.

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Karen
March 8th, 2014 at 5:11 PM
I am having a really hard time. We have been parenting my son who struggles with depression, anxiety, mood disorder,ADHD, learning disabilities and now substance issues. He is 19 and we had to have him removed from our home. It is tearing out my heart and soul. I know that we have done all we can and will continue to support him as best we can. It’s hard to function like all is ok and to grieve for all of our suffering. It’s hard not to feel helpless as you watch things unfold. I look at other young men and wonder why.. It’s so sad.

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keri
June 2nd, 2016 at 1:30 PM
HI Karen. I feel for you. I am heart broken as well. If they would just get the right treatment, the right doctor it would be so much easier

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Victoria
April 16th, 2014 at 6:58 PM
I have borne the brunt of my son’s bi polar outbursts and abuse of our entire family since he was a young boy. He is now 18 and we can’t really distinguish the mental illness from his abusive personality traits that smacks of his father’s behavior (which is why I divorced his father). I just can’t take anymore. My cortisol levels are through the roof, I hardly eat and yet am overweight, of course, it’s the cortisol, and my son’s revolting behavior towards my husband, his step-father, a man who has provided all a father could and more (his bio dad fled the country to get out of paying child support) has nearly destroyed our marriage. At what point, do I have the right to tell my son to just leave, get out and leave us alone. I have nursed him through two suicide attempts and now he uses the threat of suicide to coerce us into giving in to whatever he demands of us. I don’t even know who he is anymore, I mean, really, he bears no resemblance anymore to the sweet little boy I loved and tried as hard as I could to raise well and care for. Today he said something so cruel and vile to me that he finally crossed a line I cannot abide. My son has alianated his sister, his step-brothers and now finally me, his mother. He has been provided with all the medical care that can be offered, we have three mental health professionals on the payroll and yet nothing is working. I have paid thousands in co-pays, hospital bills and RXs and for nothing It’s like he doesn’t even want to try and cope with his illness, and we are all his victims…he has no care for the pain his reckless words and behavior causes us. I want out of this hell.

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Kim
September 11th, 2014 at 6:48 PM
That’s my question Victoria. Just when do we have permission to start recovery from verbal abuse, financial ruin, and not having a life so to speak. I, as the mother of a 21 year of daughter with bipolar disorder, PSTD, borderline personality disorder, and more, do not suffer from any diagnosed SMIs but sure think of a way out by just running away from it all some times…I have no help and I’m just worn out. To top that I have Addison’s Disease myself and can’t even process stress like a normal person. Almost killed me twice…:-(

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A patient and victim of denial like what I'm hearing, blah, blah, blah
September 18th, 2014 at 9:19 PM
I hate to say this–because I see so many other women here–WOMEN–the men walk off and leave the women, and refuse to take responsibility–like my own father did, and he managed to drain my trust fund and my mother’s too while he was at it. Someone like me who inherited stock from a privately held oil company that was founded by one of my great uncles never should have been on food stamps, working 3 jobs, beat up from work injuries by the time I was 36 years old no one would hire me so I started my own company. Yes I’m bipolar–and it was only 5 and a half months ago, when I was 50 years old that one of these doctors finally diagnosed me with ADD–after I had been beating the guy senseless and spoon feeding him with symptoms–I really love my therapist, don’t get me wrong. He’s old school, hard core, and doesn’t take any of the BS I’m seeing here. People don’t RECOVER until they WANT TO–no one can make them do it.
And how on earth do you think these thongs happen anyway? Darwin baby, get a clue–if you’re one of those people who says “we don’t have mental illness, alcoholism, drug addiction, gays, etc, in our family” you’re smoking some great buds, I’d like to know where you’re collective is located–SMH
Cindy
June 4th, 2015 at 10:29 PM
I am worn out and beaten down. My 44 year old is blaming me for everything that is wrong with him. I feel I have enabled him all his life. I need to have more strength so he can be a more responsible person. He is a good person, but can be abusive, manipulative and deceitful. I don’t know where this is going. I need help.

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Gail
July 13th, 2016 at 4:35 PM
Wow…my son is 29…and has these issues too..what are we to do?
Tracy D
August 21st, 2015 at 8:32 AM
Victoria, I feel you’re pain. I divorced my husband when my youngest daughter was 9. My two girls lived with me and he got them every other weekend. Or should I say they were with his parents and he went out and partied. I divorced him because he was mentally abusive and he destroyed the home. Anyway he didn’t want the divorce but I did.

Fast forward to my youngest being 16. She started acting out (typical teenager stuff). So one day after stopping her computer time she called her Dad and told him she wanted to live with him. He came and got her instead of saying to her you need to work things out with you’re Mum and running away won’t solve a thing. He took her to get back at me for divorcing him. Because two weeks later, I asked to meet with him about our daughter and all he said was. You’re the reason for the divorce. Not very helpful as you can imagine. She told him lies about me which I later found out. So she could go to his place. I warned him that she was starting to act but he wouldn’t listen to any of it.

Anyway shortly after trouble started. She ran up a 300 dollar phone bill for him, she drove a car without a license and stayed out all night at a boys house (her Dad called me looking for her) I said you’re the one caring for her and you don’t know where she is?

Now scoot ahead to her being 17 years old. She got into a car with her gf’s. The driver didn’t have her license and they crashed (they weren’t wearing seat belts). My daughter got a concussion and 6 months later she started having seizures. Before this she was perfectly healthy.

And you guessed it, her Dad washed his hands of her. And then decided being with your Mother is what’s best for you. After he spent all that time disrespecting me to her.

I’ve taken her to endless Dr’s, neurologists and to a brain surgeon. She had electrodes attached to her brain to see if she would be a good candidate for surgery and they told me no as the seizures are coming from both sides of her brain. She then had the Vagus Nerve Stimulator put in and she’s on new meds. Since doing all of this she’s down from 8 – 15 seizures a day to about 6 or less a month.

The problem is this. The seizures are nothing compared to her Nasty, nasty attitude and outbursts.

Anxiety comes part and parcel with seizures I’m told. But she’s nasty even when she has NO anxiety. She switches moods faster than you can flick a light switch, she has pushed me more than once, she had flicked her cigarette as on me, she makes threats about killing herself ( has for many years) tells me she won’t go to all her Dr appointments, then always goes, threatens to leave home but doesn’t. Although she did go through a faze of running to shelters ( I’ve taken her back 13 times). She pushed a woman in a shelter and ended up going to jail/court.

She blames everyone and never looks at her own behavior and when I go to my bedroom to avoid the drama she texts me with more verbal abuse and threats. I believe she’s bipolar to be honest. Today she had an appointment with the cannabis Dr to see if they will put her on CBD ( the oil) which won’t make her high but should help with anxiety and her seizures. And for 3 days she’s been saying she’s not going. Yet this morning she was ready to go.

These roller coaster mood swings are truly unbearable. I’m emotionally on my last nerve. I pray the CBD works but it won’t give her a better attitude. I don’t want to tell her to leave but I can’t stay in this home that’s become my prison.

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
August 21st, 2015 at 9:40 AM
Thank you for your comment, Tracy. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you and your daughter here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

Warm regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team
Tracy D
August 21st, 2015 at 8:40 AM
BTW My daughter is now 25 years old.

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Sally
September 11th, 2015 at 8:07 PM
Hi Victoria,

I understand the verbal abuse and anger from your son. My 33 year old daughter is the same way. I too, have not had a life with all of this chaos for 15 years. Trying to get an LPS Conservatorship to contain and control her. It
Is unrelenting and tired of it. It is not fair for them or us. Please take care. We have to deal with our own anger and live our own life. Have not got the answer yet. There is nothing like this. Over 50 ER hospitalizations. Constant suicide attempts in last 20 months.

Sally

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nicalena
December 7th, 2016 at 11:08 AM
I totally understand where you are coming from, my son is 20 and bi polar, I am to the point of running away and never looking back. The people who can handle there children being abusive and cruel that is great, but my mental health is diminishing rapidly, I already have depression and anxiety, so dealing with a child who you don’t know how there mood will be day to day is frustrating and scary. He was diagnosed around 16 1/2 years old, and I don’t believe that even though he is my son that I have to deal with the abuse of “I hate you mom, I hope you die”. I am so down and at times I don’t know what to do. I just can’t keep doing this, it isn’t fair that individuals have to go through this because our children will not get the help they need. Good luck to everyone and god bless you all.

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Kim
May 24th, 2014 at 2:46 PM
I came to this site because I felt like I was about to have a nervous breakdown over my adult son. He has been diagnosed with Bipolar I with psychosis. He is continually abusive to me when he is manic and says scary things. For example he calls himself lord Lucifer. He looses touch with reality during his manic times. I feel like I am watching a slow moving train wreck and worry about what he will do next. Will he end up in jail again or take another trip to the mental hospital? Will I survive this? Will he survive this? My son has been successful, owns his own business and performs comedy. He is able to keep it together for short stretches of time. But that’s it. Short stretches of time. Then the mania takes over and ruins his life and everyone around him that loves him. He is extremely abusive and dangerous. He stops showering, shaving and taking care of his house. I try to tell him to get help because he is on a downward spiral, but I’m speaking to deaf ears. He is in his own reality right now. I think this is going to kill me as his mother who loves him and worries daily. All I can do is to give myself some space from him and try to keep it together myself. But when I try to get space from his abuse he says that I’m not supporting him during his darkest times. Help! What have others done to get through this insanity and stay sane while trying to help them out of their trauma?

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Cheryl
July 12th, 2014 at 7:23 PM
Funny how you kind of trip over things like this as you blindly search…..search…..search…..the Internet for anything to help: answers, information, support, empathy. And so I found this page — an interesting article, but more than that a collection of people whose stories are so much like my own.

I am a single (divorced) mother whose husband washed his hands of parenthood a few years ago. My 24 year old son has suffered depression and anxiety since age 16, and is getting worse. He refuses treatment but continues sinking deeper into despair — becoming hostile and abusive (mainly toward me, but also to his sister and others), pushing people away, and having difficulty thriving and becoming self-sufficient in the world.

I am perpetually holding my breath, living in fear that he will one day tire of the battle and take his own life.

It’s sad to see the lack of responses to posters here who ask for coping tips…Maybe there are just no tips to be had. Maybe, like all of life’s tests, we simply survive it because we have no other choice.

There’s a quote I’m reminded of: ‘I feel so much better now that I’ve given up hope.’ Maybe one key is to have low expectations: don’t even hope to be rescued. Once you resign yourself to it, there’s no more reason to think about it and you might find yourself feeling OK sometimes.

I am in awe of the courage and strength I see here, and the infinite love of parents for their children. Godspeed to you all, and thank you for sharing your stories. I feel less alone.

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Vicki
October 3rd, 2014 at 9:58 PM
My family is in the same boat. My brother is mentally ill and has many struggles. He has punched holes in my parents walls and has even slapped my dad. He was recently baker acted. Five days later the mental facility contacted us and said to come get him because they needed the extra beds for new patients to come in. They basically we’re throwing him out without being stabilized. Here’s what we did. We made an immediate appointment with all his doctors with the entire family together. We discussed a plan and have stuck to it. We have no expectations and just keep pushing on. We decided that due to the violent behaviors perhaps my parents have worn out there welcome with my brother. Not to any fault of their own as they are the greatest parents ever. It simply had taken a toll on them and they were too tired to keep helping him at the capacity that they were at. So we looked into a mortgage that people who are rendered disabled to get him a home of his own. We moved him out and hired a life coach. The life coach goes to his house several times a week to help by groceries etc. when he is depressed we spend time at his house instead of bringing him to our house or we may even spend the night. We take him to his doctors appointments still but this is working great because we can be involved and still over see everything but we don’t have to deal with it 24 hours a day anymore and wear ourselves down. Utilizing the life coach prohibits us from micromanaging his life and doing things for him. It teaches him to do it for himself. It is natural that we wanted all these years to protect him and just do everything for him but it created a person who already has mental issues to now have resentment because he could read us like a book and manipulate. And when I say manipulate it is not intentional. When he doesn’t want to do something because it causes stress and anxiety he acts out causing us tons of stress and to just give in, he is only self protecting himself from anxiety. So with the life coach he is less likely to fight the battle with a stranger and more likely to cooperate out of fear of not really knowing that person. So far things are looking up. He will probably never hold a job or even have relationships outside our family but we have enough love to make up for all that. Best of luck to everyone but sometimes excepting and letting go and taking risks is the only salvation for a family dealing with a family member with mental illness.

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Cynthia
September 3rd, 2016 at 6:57 AM
You must be in the UK. I’m in the USA, where the kind of help you describe is only available for the rich. I’m on disability. My 35 year old daughter is ruining both our lives. She is verbally abusive, lazy, disrespectful. She cannot hold a job down for more than a few months. She takes several medications for anxiety that her family doctor prescribes but she sees no mental health Doctor. Because she is an adult, I can’t make her get help and the gov doesn’t care about her. I am at the end of a very long rope emotionally, physically and financially. I had surgery last week and have spent the week getting her up in the morning so she won’t lose this job, and picking up after her. I am broke, hurting, and not getting much sleep. Yesterday, she told me, “You are such a b*tch.” I told her she could find somewhere else to live. She left. I don’t know where she is. It bothers me, but not as much as the last time. (She has moved in and out 10+ times). I am probably a bad mother. But, I just can’t do it anymore.
Shel
September 3rd, 2016 at 1:20 PM
Cynthia your not a bad mother your a human being and there is only so much one person can take…
I really don’t know what to say except my prayers are with you !! I really thought you would be getting the same if not better help than us here in uk ..
I’m so sorry x
Janny
March 9th, 2017 at 11:32 AM
I read the post with the Quote “I feel better now I have given up hope” that is exactly how I have coped with a daughter with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety and panic disorder. Her dad and I who have been separated for years have given everything, spent everything to get therapists, vacations all sorts of things and at the end of the day she needs to make the decision to put all the things in place to fight this and if she chooses not then I cant change that. I lived in fear for years of coming home and finding her dead and now I have let that go. It would destroy me and I cant control it. We have given everything and continue to give and love her but I cannot control the outcome or her desire to live

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Jacqueline
July 16th, 2014 at 11:28 AM
Cheryl, Thank you for your post it was insightful…letting go releases you as well as your love one.

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Louise
August 8th, 2014 at 10:53 AM
I wish I had some encouraging words. I am currently dealing an with an adult daughter with bipolar disorder who can hold a job, she gets them but cant keep them. she should be on disability, but is in denial and gets more than angry when I make suggestions. there is a little boy involved here to that often is caught in the middle of her wrath when she is angry, and she doesn’t care. I am ready to cut her loose totally just to survive myself. I am home from work today because of so much stress from last night when she told me she was going to stop one of her meds. Any advice for support would be helpful

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Nicole Mclaurin
August 31st, 2014 at 12:31 AM
My daughter is 26 years old. She was a pretty normal person most of her life. She had three little boys one after the other. Her mental illness getting worse after each pregnancy. She left her husband and came to leave with me. Leaving with her was very inpredictable. She attacked me twice, stole my car and broke my windows. I had to get a restraining order against just to protect myself. She went to jail twice because she does not show up in court when she supposed to. And today she’s coming out of jail. I love my daughter with all my heart. She’ll probably never know how much I love her but I have to let her go if I want to save myself. It is a heartbreaking situation and I feel for all the parents who are going through this.

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Sheila
September 3rd, 2014 at 11:11 AM
My son is 26 and has been diagnosed as bi polar schizophrinic since 15. Son has been in and out of our home since he became an adult. My husband is beyond ready to have our home to ourselves. My son just got on Medicaid does not have Disability does not know if He wants it. My son just this pass week end slit both wrist and they sent him home. I didn’t even go to the hospital this time in hopes that if I didn’t show up to rescue him they would actually possibly see how much help he needs. Instead they released him to a have a therapist call him who my son has been listed under for over a year, but has never seen. Finally, today the therapist calls to make an appointment with my son and apologizes for calling late because he has been moving offices.
My son slit his wrist while drinking. He did this in my basement. Stole money from my wallet to buy the alcohol. Then I wake to find my son slurring his words again last night. I slept with one eye open in a chair at the bottom of my stairs by the front door.
Where does this madness end?? Where does his life begin??

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Linda L.
September 16th, 2014 at 10:55 PM
Dear Sheila, I know how hard this is for. My son is 27 yrs d and he’s schizophrenia is driving a wedge between us. We also had our son in the hospital several times. We kept putting off SSI in hopes he would get “better”. He hasn’t but now we are getting some financial help. They also pay me the care giver. Its so hard to deal with a grown man. Especially when he drinks. I really think they need to be pro active about mental health. The police had to pick him up last time. After two days, my husband said ” you know, it’s kinda nice. No yelling, being bullied etc”. He called 5 minutes later a was released! He’s a adult now. So we have no privileged info because of hippa. We know nothing more than day he went in. Its sad. We only want the best for our kids. But at 18, we are no longer involved on his plan of care. Best wishes to you all

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sally
March 6th, 2015 at 12:04 AM
I have been through so much with my 32 year old daughter. She has been hospitilized more than 50 times over 12 years. It is so sad and no one understands.
h
September 24th, 2014 at 11:55 PM
My adult child(bipolar, borderline personality disorder, anger/relationship issues) and grandchild want to live with me and my spouse immediately).We live in poverty and are both in failing health. My parent is terminally ill, and these are my last days with her. I don’t want to lose my grandchild (foster care twice already)by saying NO. We have offered to take him in while she tries to get on her feet(never been able to do),but she wants to stay with him. We have tried to help her for many years(and so have countless others).She is on meds, but no therapy. She has difficulty keeping jobs, keeping shelter, paying bills. We cannot afford to pay for two households. I am not safe if she lives with me. Don’t know what to do. Pray for us all.

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GoodTherapyAdmin
September 25th, 2014 at 10:00 AM
Hello,

If you would like to consult with mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

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Danielle Collins
October 13th, 2014 at 5:58 PM
Good day. I am 44 living and working in Texas and my sister who is 2years my senior, is l iving off of my aging mother, who is on a fixed income and i have to sometimes supplement her income. My mom has had some health issues in past (blood pressure, 2 hrt attks, blood clot to her left lung…that one was the scariest, high cholestrol…you get my point) she does not need any kind of stress in her life. That being said, my sister who is 46, has not worked in several years. She continues to hop from one person to the next, can never take responsibility for herself, tried for 2years to get on disability claiming mental issues…that didn’t work or so well and now she is back in Texas living off of my mother, making multiple trips to hospital claiming physically ill, 4 x’s in less than 6 weeks with all visits laying 5-7 days or more. All tests come back normal, nothing is found to be wrong…she she plays it up and insist she is ill. As i am sure there is a mental condition for that, so i do believe there is something wrong with her, how do i go about getting her the PROPER help that it’s needed and not this merry go round routine wearing down my mother (since i work and live in another town, i can’t be there to deal with my sister personally as much as is needed to remove the burden from my mother. I hope i am not coming off as harsh, as i have alot on my plate already deali b g with my godfather being resently diagnosed with stage 4 lung, liver and brain cancer, so please forgive me i seemingly have no smypathy for someone wanting to be sick when i have another wanting nothing more than be healthy.

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Sharon
June 10th, 2015 at 2:25 AM
You are most definitely not in a place to care for or understand your sister’s or mother’s needs. Simply sit on the sidelines and feel ‘level’ enough to analysis the situation from a healthy and priviledged distance. Let’s just hope the members involved in the day to day care understand that you ate not be n a position to help. It is the only issue you will have to deal with. Bless them and yourself in understanding this.

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Barbara
October 14th, 2014 at 7:20 AM
I stumbled upon this site by chance, and I’ve seen nothing like it anywhere on the ‘net’. I have a 29 year old son who’s had severe mental health problems since he was 17 years old. He has his own flat, but spends most of his time living with me. When he’s taking medication (aripiprazole) he’s fine, but he hates taking it and periodically stops, leading to a rapid downward spiral. I am, to put it mildly, totally and utterly exhausted by it. I feel as if I have been living in a nightmare for the past 12 years, with brief periods of respite when he’s taking medication. I hope this site will help me to feel less alone. I live in the UK and there don’t seem to be any appropriate support groups here.

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Jane
February 5th, 2015 at 11:29 AM
Hi Barbara
My nephew done two and half years studying higher maths n science but they let him go as he was acting strangely. Still has not been diagnosed properly what kind of mental illness it is. He thinks he know everything, questions everything, is very rude but he thinks other people are not being fair,will only take tablets when HE thinks he needs it. Do not have friends. He will not accept that there is anything wrong. Will not sign in sickness benefit as he wants to work. But after couple of days employer lets him go.
He wears you down after being in his company and I cannot stand his verbal abuse. So should I just tell him he is rude and stop his silliness..I know this is illness but this is no way to speak to people and get away with it.
What do you think?

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l
October 15th, 2014 at 10:21 AM
Looks like Vikki comment #24 is the only one offering a solution, which requires extended family involvement. I had never thought of the life coach idea. My son is currently Baker acted. He is 31. He has had problems since he was 6. I ended up divorcing his father for substance/mental health issues. He (father) committed suicide after we were divorced. My son has been in and out of facilities since he was 12. He does well for awhile, especially in controlled environments, was in the military, has held jobs, but the addiction spirals out of control and we are back to square one. He is married, but I dont see how it will last. I think the hard thing is knowing how involved to be or not to be. He is my son, and I love him, but it takes a toll. I have to try to focus on keeping myself well too. My heart is with all you out there who are living this nightmare. We are not alone.

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lizette A.
October 15th, 2014 at 1:20 PM
We are parents of South Africa our daughter is 10 and we had living hell from the time she was born. She has 10 different diseases , Addison, multiple personality disorder , depression,ostioporoses , hart problems , left hip problems ,third disorder,hormone divescincy ,epilepsy ,list goes on and on. we love her and do our best but can say with all our love this life is hard and it sometimes feel like now one out there know how you feel and what you have to do to keep going every day this is not a joke. She has so many mental problems and with that Addison’s her hart is giving problems and a whole lot more. We can’t remember when last we had a decent night of sleep or did not get up in the morning with body pain of being so tired working your self to the ground and still not be able to meet all the bills in a end of a month some time me as her mother just want to stand on a mountain top and scream HELP maybe some one will come and fix everything.

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Linda C.
October 16th, 2014 at 10:42 AM
Hi Barbara,
Comment # 26 I am in a very similar situation to you and have been trying to find a carers support group in London to no avail. If you do read this please get in touch and maybe we can support each other.
Linda

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Barbara L.
October 17th, 2014 at 4:46 PM
Hi Linda, (#29)
This is Barbara (#26). Thanks for replying to my comments. I live in London too! Maybe you could say a bit more about your situation? I wonder how many of us there are in London, looking for a support group! I would find it difficult attending a group, though, as I work afternoons and evenings. However, I would really appreciate being in touch with people who understand my situation. Hope to hear from you again.

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Sue
October 24th, 2014 at 4:31 AM
To everyone who has shared their stories, wishing you strength. Mental illness runs in my family. There have been some very dark times but I still thank each day that my loved ones are still alive. One year my dad died of cancer and both my mother and brother both attempted suicide all within a week. Ever since I have decided that life is the most important thing even though at times it is hard to hope. For myself as the ‘well’ person, setting boundaries is very important. My love is endless but my money, time and sleep has to be protected or I can’t help anyone. I try to appreciate the small moments of calm and beauty like a sunset or the scent of jasmine. Probably sounds lame but it works for me. I am very lucky to have a good job and have developed the ability to switch my head into work mode instantly even after a stressful phone call or text conversation. Please everyone try to love yourselves and forgive yourselves when you reach your limits.

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Janet
October 27th, 2014 at 5:16 PM
Omg thank you for that. It gave me permission to protect my money, my sleep and myself. I had two bipolar adult kids. I now have one. My son died of a heroin overdose. Code for bipolar. My 38 year old daughter who is high functioning at work but not at all in her personal relationships to include ours. She says the most horrible cruel things to me and about me tho we are very close. She threatens suicide every month And attempts it often is shes a cutter. Her body is a chopped up mess. I just wait for that call again.

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Matthew
October 26th, 2014 at 7:40 AM
I want to live full time with my Mom and Dad. I am autistic and I live in an apartment with supported living. I visit my Mom and Dad 2 times a Month and thay are 2 Day and 3 Day sleep over visits. Mom and Dad want to live their own life meanning thay don’et want me to live full time with my Mom and Dad and I don’et like that. Do you have any places where me and my Mom and Dad can go to or any suggestions?

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Deanna
November 8th, 2014 at 9:00 PM
I feel lost at times like life is leading me into a dead end never dreamed my life would be like this three beautiful kids and I am divorced and my ex suffers from schizophrenia and bipolar and is off in another state in his own world well I fight this battle alone with our kids. Two of my kids suffer from mental health issues my 13 year old suffers from sever depression and spends all day locked in his room and even skips school to stay in his room has suicidal thoughts and wont talk to no one not even me any more, my daughter my baby suffers from bipolar, anger issues, adjustment disorder,adhd and ocd I believe she has schizophrenia I see signs everyday is different with her, she has been institutionalized twice, all adults and kids are scared of her when she gets mad and she is only 9. I have a mental health social worker in home therapist psychiatrist, counselors, teachers and myself all working with my kids. Someday’s I feel like no one understand how can I be so alone in this big world helping to kids fight a battle within themselves. People tell me to lock my kids up realistically what kind of parent would do that a monster in my book that is always my last resort when the police have intervened and said it’s not safe for us to have her stay in the home anymore because of her outburst. I would never send my kids away turn my back on them because they have mental illness like my ex, yes some days are tough but I prey and I get threw it. I do feel like I am collapsing though not sure sometimes how much strength I have to do this alone anymore. I reach out to find anyone else who understand me and my situation.

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Pam
November 24th, 2014 at 3:45 PM
I hear your pain. It is lonely. The hardest part for me is I feel alone and no one understands or cares to understand. Some days I just want to stay in bed or end my life.

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
November 24th, 2014 at 3:56 PM
Hi Pam,

We received the comment that you submitted on our blog earlier today. Thank you so much for visiting GoodTherapy.org. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

• Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
• Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
• Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below: • Call to speak with someone who cares;
• Call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself;
• Call to find referrals to mental health services in your area;
• Call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

If you are a victim of domestic violence, you can call your local hotline and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) (TTY 1−800−787−3224)

RAINN provides support for sexual assault victims and their loved ones through two hotlines at 800.656.HOPE and Online.RAINN.org. Whether you are more comfortable on the telephone or online, RAINN has services that can guide you in your recovery.
• The National Sexual Assault Hotline: If you need support, call 800.656.HOPE, and you will be directed to a rape crisis center near your area.
• The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: is the first secure web-based crisis hotline providing live and anonymous support through an interface as intuitive as instant messaging.
• For more information visit http://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline.

Warm regards,

The GoodTherapy.org Team
sally
March 5th, 2015 at 11:57 PM
I have a mentally I’ll daughter,age 32. I feel the exact same way. No one gets this or what it is like dealing with them and a system that does not help
Barbara L.
November 11th, 2014 at 6:14 AM
To Deanna, #34, I completely understand your pain and exhaustion. My son is 29, and has had issues with severe anger outbursts all his life. He had his first psychotic breakdown when he was 17, and has been in and out of hospitals many times. He showed signs of mental illness when he was a child but no-one picked up on it. He was my first child, so I had nothing to compare his behaviour with. He made the lives of his brother and sister hell, with his violent outbursts. I have been on my own with all three children since my eldest son was 7, my younger son 5 and my daughter 2. I am exhausted and full of grief that my son has no real chance of having a normal, happy life.I live in the UK. It is good to be in contact with people who understand.

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Tina
November 19th, 2014 at 9:49 PM
When my son was about 14 I noticed something not quit right in his mental development. It was also about the same time he started sneaking out of house and using drugs. Before this he was doing great in school and in sports but then within a few months everything was upside down. I’ve raised him myself and have had no family around. It was difficult when he was young just trying to manage all the expenses and time to raise a child by myself but is almost unbearable as he is getting older. When he was 15 I moved to the other side of town hoping this would help. It didn’t. I found he was stealing from me and selling my things for drugs. The doctors said it is called self medicating. I started making police reports hoping the paperwork would lead to help. He was never charged- these were complaints. In many ways it did but it was a heartbreaking journey. I was missing a lot of work by trying to get him counseling and also the time chasing him down when he would disappear or not be in school. Since I was a single parent the state assisted by putting him into a forest care home which one parent was always supervising him. I request that the home be at least an hour away from Albuquerque due to my son going to local friends home that only embedded his behavior. He was with the other family for six months and while in the program the other family -along with myself and teachers agreed that if he stayed in high school that if may only make his behavior worse. So at 16 with only four credits of high school he went through the GED program. After the six months with the family he was released and had a probational officer assigned. However, the program was zero tolerance for drugs and he used pot on serval occasions. The state then siad they would either put him back into a two parent family so someone was always watching him or put him into a drug court program which was very intense. I chose the drug court program. It was a lot of work not only for my son but also for me. Almost daily we had to a counseling section or something with drug court. After a few months the counselor informed me he agreed with me that there was noticing something was off with my son but was not sure what it was and asked to run more testing. I agreed. This testing was done over a period of several months. The program was zero tolerance and if you messed up the Judge would put you into the juvenal center. A month before his 18th birthday he used pot and was being tested so instead he ran. He disappeared for a month. Two days before his 18th birthday he was picked up and once in juvenal center they did the last and final section of the full psychiatric test. He had going to spend a week in juvenal ,however, the test revealed that he had a developmental mental disorder which he no longer qualified to be in the drug court program but it was also very risky taking him out of juvenal center since his testing come back with multiple street drug in his system of a high volume. They keeper him in the center for five weeks to hopefully clean him up but this was the longer the Judge could hold him since he was also now 18. He was given medication which did help his behavior but after a few months he stopped taking. I couldn’t force him to take medication even with limiting what I would allow him to do. We applied for SS disability in NM in 2012 which we provided all the information and what he was diagnosed with and we went to their assigned doctor for the evaluation but have not heard back from SS. When he was 19 he did a semester of college. I though he was doing well. I took him and pick him up but at the end of semester he failed every class – he failed to do the work as assigned or instructions or had social fears which limited him. He is now 21 – no job- no school- odd sleeping patterns- outburst of behaviors- odd eating and very very thin- odd speech- very smart- a beautiful off mind. We have recently moved out of NM to MO and I just don’t know where to turn for help. He has no insurance and not a penny or asset to him name. Taking care of him is limiting me and we need help. I believe he needs to live in a group home that can help him with getting a job and on his feet. He is very bright but he can’t manage a bank account. I am at the point if something doesn’t change soon he may be out on the streets living because I need to survive and him continuing to live like a 10 year old I may be only abetting him if he doesn’t face hard reality . Him on the street maybe the only way to get government support but I don’t even know if that would be what it takes to get them to do something. If anyone knows of a program that can help support please let me know.

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LadyDi
January 10th, 2015 at 1:52 PM
To everyone who is suffering on this forum… I feel your pain. I understand how none of your family or friends know your pain because they have no idea the hell every second of every day is when a parent lives with a child, young or adult, with a mental illness.
For ten years, my husband and I have done everything humanly possible to help our grown son. He is still not diagnosed correctly. He’s been to a dozen psychiatrists, been baker acted, gone to outpatient therapy, and he fools them all. We’ve been told he’s an alcoholic or he has ADHD, which he doesn’t… just so he can get on Adderal. He’s been prescribed that drug for almost 10 years.
I look at my son and I see a little sweet boy, even though on the outside he is now a 30 year old angry lonely man searching for the normal life he should have had over a decade ago.
He has many successes in school in terms of full scholarships and degrees. But he can’t get along nor socialize with others. He hasn’t had a friend in years. He was best all around as a Senior in highschool – athletic – popular – kind… then after going away to college something major changed in his personality.
It’s gotten worse over the years and all the doctors say he’s normal.
He’s been misdiagnosed and it’s like he’s still there trapped in his own body. He knows how to manipulate and work the system. He’s hurting inside, dying inside, all alone – a recluse for years.
His thoughts are jumbled, he thinks he’s being followed or spied on, he blames everyone else for all the hell in his life. He talks to himself – his life is a sad miserable one and we don’t know how it got to this point. It is pure insanity. Everyone who knew and loved him are now afraid of him. He rants and raves and has huge anger problems. His father and I have planned an escape route incase he snaps – like the others on this site… only we know the pure hell of thinking night after night the baby you loved and nurtured might burst through your doors and end your life.
Friends always give you advice, like stop paying for him and taking care of him, get him arrested, tough love… it’s easy to give advice when you are dealing with normal kids. If we stop helping him or anger him… he could kill us or himself.
We all, parents with children with mental health issues live in a world of Insanity. We become insane because the insanity becomes a normal part of our daily life. We walk on eggshells and never know when the moods will change for no reason from one minute to the next.
Our children have been in trouble with the law, other people, cannot hold jobs because of their strange behavior, do not understand what’s wrong with them, but know something is.
They cry to us wanting to know why they’re not normal wanting so desperately to be. We see glimpses of our perfect sons and daughters and hope this time they will be the same… until the monster within them comes out again.
When we try to explain to them they have a mental illness and need help they explode. If our children were diagnosed with diabetes and needed to go to a specialist, that is acceptable. But a child with mental illness getting help from a psychiatrist… they are labeled as “crazy” and resist because it’s a taboo. Mental Illness is an “ILLNESS” and the world needs to start treating it as such.
It should not be a hush hush subject – just as any other diagnoses should not be. They did not ask to be born with a mental illness, just as a child with diabetes or asthma did not ask to be born like that. It’s an illness that needs to be treated without a stigma attached to it.
When one has an adult child with mental illness – we cannot get or give any info to the psychiatrist UNLESS the patient with mental illness who cannot rationalize or make informed decisions for themselves, is the patient who has all the rights. We are left out of the helping and gaining and sharing pertinent info in helping our own children because they are over 18. This is ludacris and the HIPA laws do not work in these cases.
I felt better having read your forums and don’t feel as alone as I have knowing others are going through my hell. I finally got my son admitted to a very expensive facility, but another problem is insurance helping defray the outrageous costs of getting help for a loved one with a mental illness. It’s not fair. All illnesses, no matter if they are in the brain, stomach, leg, etc… should be treated and considered equal. They are all an illness in the body.
In closing, my husband has been asking me to “Pick One” either him or my son after the last few years of living this hell together. I could never pick between the man I love or son I love. He abandoned the family 3 months ago. I am all alone with my son dealing with the same hell by myself. He escaped. I wish I could. But I have a heart and am not a coward. I have a responsibility to those I love. We are all on this earth for a reason. Right now I’ve been wishing my life would end already. The stress and pain is too much for me to handle. I’m beyond depressed missing my husband yet having to keep my sanity in helping my son and aging parents everyday. Life can be hell.
I can relate to you all.
Good Luck.
Keep the faith, I will try to do the same.

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cassie
February 9th, 2015 at 11:12 AM
I will pray for you and your family! Yes your husband is a coward! A man will never have the nurturing love of a mother no matter how old our children are.

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Margaret
July 21st, 2016 at 6:32 AM
Hi Cassey, you just wrote my short story… I’m going through the same thing with my 24 year old son. Doing it all alone. I’m just curious about how things are going with your son now? Is he stable? It would be nice to know that there is hope for our children to find mental stability. I have faith and I trust that God is able to fix anything. It’s just a little hard sometimes waiting for the change to come. I hope all is well,

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Margaret
July 21st, 2016 at 6:34 AM
I meant LadyDi not Cassey. I apologize for using the incorrect name.

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Irene w
January 20th, 2015 at 3:40 AM
Hi my son is 29 over the last 9years we have had diagnosis of anxiety depression bi polar2 adhd lots of meds and talking therapies to no avail. My son said he is depersonalised if you read about it it does make sense. He has been trying for the last 3 years to complete his 4th year of architecture in London He just doesn’t seem to be able to get himself together he says he can’t string sentences together or draw because he’s not a person and doesn’t exist. When he’s low he rings to say he wants to end his life as there is no hope or cure for him. I live in fear that one day he will do this I feel like I’m drowning in sorrow I don’t want to wake up in the mornings. At other times I’m so cross that most of our savings have gone to pay his rent and support him in London (we liveinthe north) there is a clinic at kings that deals with depersonalisation of course he says it’s no good and won’t even try to get referred. I’m at my wits end emotionally I’m of to the docs tomorrow for some pills that hopefully will help me to cope Sorry for the rant and after reading all the posts I know I’m not alone I just wish we where all in the same city so that we could support each other.

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
January 20th, 2015 at 9:41 AM
Thank you for your comment, Irene. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

Warm regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team

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Barbara L
February 4th, 2015 at 2:40 PM
I wish there was some way in which I could meet up with other parents who are going through the hell of having an adult son or daughter with serious mental health problems.I live in London, and have a 29 year old son who has suffered from severe mental health problems since he was 17 years old. He will soon be 30, so his entire adult life has been ruined. The pain for me is almost too much to bear. People try to understand, and do what they can to support me, but the only people who could truly understand are the people who are experiencing it themselves. How I long for the companionship of such people, so that we could understand and support each other. If reading about such people can help, even a little, I know that actually being able to talk to them, face-to-face, would be immeasurably comforting and helpful. How do we get together to support each other? I live in London.

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Jayne
February 7th, 2015 at 2:18 PM
Hi Barbara, I could have written your post myself.My son is 23 and was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia at 17. Funny how that one sentence seems so matter of fact. Only someone who lives the daily reality of this stinking filthy cruel disease could ever understand the chaos, pain and devastation it has on all our lives. My heart goes out to you Barbara. I’d love to hear from you

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cassie
February 9th, 2015 at 11:01 AM
Not sure if this support group is in London but there is a group called N.A.M.I. The way it looks is the way to pronounce it Nami! My son has been diagnosed with schizophrenia about 1 year ago and it really is heart breaking! I walk around all day with this heavy weight on my chest of what if my son kills himself before his meds can be figured out! He constantly talks about doing it almost every other day! Yes we all need someone to share with!

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tonya
March 4th, 2015 at 9:45 PM
Hello cassie, I’m in the US Illinois my son was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in 2013 now he is twenty,he want take his meds or admit he has an m.I.,he had an psychotic break, attacked me went to jail and now has to get help in order too stay out,I feel like I’m grieving and I can’t shake it,the depression, the pain,guilt,resentment I feel daily has affected my life in so many ways,work,relationships,etc, the isolation,loneliness, we both feel,I feel like either checking my self in or death but then what will he do without or when I die,yes we need support. Hugs to everyone
Carolyn H W
April 10th, 2015 at 12:19 AM
I have a grown son age 45 has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar has been this way for so long now I have almost died for time I’m 63 years old he lives and his own apartment but is here everyday and almost every night he yells and screams throws tantrums one day he’s fine the next day he’s terrifying he scares me sometimes I love him with all of my heart I’ve gone through this for several years I do not know what to do he has been in the hospital he was on meds for 2 years he was doing fine then he went off of his meds and all hell broke loose and he refuses to go back on them he says there’s nothing wrong with him he’s angry he’s has weird thoughts he can’t stand women he’s not gay angry at the world angry at everyone hates the world wants to go to Japan constantly same thing all the time driving me crazy he’s on SSI because he cannot work cuz of his outbreaks what am I to do he is Health does that he’s diabetic type 2 he will not take any of his meds he won’t go to the doctor to get a check up won’t let them take his blood he is literally killing me and himself each time I get him help with stuff got him the apartment all the things he needed in his apartment then now he wants to run away ends up losing everything he has I’m at my wits end I don’t know what to do when I die he’s going to be in a lot of trouble he has no one else my only child my only son wish I knew what to do
Julie
March 13th, 2015 at 8:27 PM
Hi Barbara, I am going through this with my 26yr old son. He also has ADHD. He won’t accept his fiancé breaking up with him. Threatening suicide, smashing things up. I am scared of him hurting himself. My mum and brother have schizophrenia and taken overdoses in the past. I moved away for my own sanity when my son was 11. Now I am going through IT all again. Here if you want to talk . I feel so scared and alone. He reads my texts thinking I am plotting against him so have to delete everything and guard my phone and IPad.

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Ann
April 17th, 2015 at 10:16 PM
I understand the pain you are feeling also having a 30 year old son with Bipolar, ADHD and severe anxiety, all since a young child. I feel emotionally exhausted at all times as I have constantly looked for ways to try and bring some normalcy to his life. He has never had a date, gone to a school dance or experienced most of life that others his age have. He is trying to live on his own but it is draining us financially and his apartment is always in horrible shape no matter how often we organize and clean.
I am close to you in age (64) and now take an antidepressant and sometimes use some anti-anxiety medication to help with sleep.
I am planning to join a NAMI support group. Have you looked for support groups in your area? It is so important to have this kind of support to reduce the feelings of isolation and aloneness. While friends can offer empathy, unless they have to face each day with the stress from worry for a child with mental illness it’s not the same.

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Jessica
February 6th, 2015 at 8:19 AM
My son just got out of the hospital last night. He will be 18 at the end of this month. He refuses to go to school, fights with my husband and me daily, and is cruel to his sisters. He doesn’t have a job, or any desire to find one, or so it seems. We feel so lost and alone. None of our friends or family knows what we are going through. My son has agreed to taking his meds, and outpatient treatment. Since we have been through this before, we know it will probably be short lived. The scary part now it that he will be an adult. I will have no control over his actions. My husband and I made a contract that he signed before being released from the hospital. It’s hard, but we have told him he will have to find another place to live if he breaks it. It basically says that he has to take his meds, go to outpatient therapy, and go to school or work at least 20 hours a week. I feel that I can’t expose his sisters to this behavior any longer. It is having a negative impact on them.

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tonya
March 4th, 2015 at 9:56 PM
They say its demon,drugs,poison or bad luck for his schizophrenia,what does it matter its hear and like many other illnesses,I don’t know what to do, but I just want to support him, no friends no girls,no normalcy I’m his only friend,some days are good some are bad,its like dementia,some days he is like his old self and other I don’t even know this person

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Tamara
March 5th, 2015 at 4:21 AM
First of all, God bless each and every one of you for not giving up on your children. I too, am about at the end of my rope. My daughter just turned 18 last week, she’s been diagnosed Bi-polar II with Axis traits, Severe Anxiety Disorder, ADD and Depression. She has been in different treatment plans, hospitalized, etc. since 6th grade. She should now be a senior, but the school won’t upgrade her status because of her grades, even though she has 16.5 credits. The only thing that kept her going to school was Drama Club, and the Teacher of that cut her from the play citing grade issues. It’s really because he’s afraid to take her to State Conference (even though I would be there to help) because of her illness. She is very timid in school, she just melts down at home. She threatens suicide at every turn, has broken everything breakable in my house, says terrible things to me when she’s upset, blames me for not being able to do something about the school situation, etc. She refuses to do school work and by the time I find out she’s behind it’s too late for her to turn it in. I’m a single mother also, her biological father is just now coming around (now that she’s 18 and child support will stop). Her stepfather and I divorced over issues with her, and he basically supports us now because I can’t work, she can’t be left alone. We had a decent Psychiatrist for her meds, and a really good Therapist, and both of those women left their practices within a month of each other. Now back to square one and she just is stuck with the Dr. on staff that day, no one is taking an interest in helping her. My family is not supportive, they think I spoil her and she’s just doing it all for attention. I feel so incredibly alone all the time.

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Isabell N.
March 6th, 2015 at 2:22 AM
I have a son in his late 30s who has been seriously depressed for all of his adult life. He is even more dependant now, than he was as a child. I’m his only friend. All of my days off outworking are spent with him. Too much to go into and painful also. I’ll be 60 this year. I worry conconstantly. He is an only child of an only child. His father left when he was a toddler and has never been in touch. The worry of him committing suicide is constant. I’m at my wits end.

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Manuel
March 10th, 2015 at 2:40 AM
I READ ALL THE POST AND I WAS SO TOUCH BY ALL OF THEM…..I WAS READING MY LIVING HELL LIFE!!…….IM A 58 MALE WIDOW, MY WIFE DIED 5 1/2 YEARS AGO…..AND I WAS LEFT WITH MY SON 25 NOW, WITH ALL KIND A EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS, AND IT GOT A LOT WORSE SINCE SHE LEFT, BECAUSE THE DEMONS OF DESTRUCTION, ARRIVED AT HOME TO MAKE THINGS HORRIBLES….”DRUGS”….I HAVE TRY TO FULLFILL ALL SPACES OR GAPS THE MY WIFE LEFT UNDONE, JUST TO GET ALL KIND OF UNGRATEFUL AND HORRIBLES REPONSES…
-MY WIFE WAS 2 YEARS UNDER IV STAGE CANCER TREATMENT, AND MY SON WAS VERY MUCH THE SAME, HE NEVER REALLY CARE ABOUT HER, HE JUST DEMAND HIS NEEDS.
-I STILL REMEMBER MY WIFE PLEADS THAT I SHOULD NEVER LET MY SON ALONE, THAT I SHOULD CARE AND PROTEC HIM, SHE DID WORRIED A LOT ABOUT HIM, SHE WAS OVERPROTECTED WITH HIM,,,,AND YES ALWAYS SHIELD HIM FROM ME, IF I WAS GOING TO ASK HIM TO DO HOUSE, HOMEWORK, SCHOOL WORK OR JUST HIGYENE ON HIM SELF….I WILL ENDED UP LOOSING EVERY TIME.
-GOD KNOWS THAT I HAVE TRY HARD TO HELP, GUIDE, AND CARE ON EVERY ASPECT OF HIS LIFE……AND NEVER GOT POSITVE RESULTS.
-I WAS LIVING A DREAM, THAT MY WIFE ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS GOING TO COME AND HELP ME!!!!…..GOD FORGIVE ME, BUT I LOST HOPES THAT SHE’S AROUND…..AND AS THE MATTER THE FACT, I DON’T WANT HER TO SEE HER SON LIKE THAT.
-THANKS TO ALL THE POSTS THAT I READ, IT GAVE ME THE COURAGE TO STOP ALL THE VERBAL, HOME, RELATAVIES ABUSE,THAT HE WAS DOING.
-WITH PAIN IN MY HEART I KICK HIM OUT THE HOUSE, BECAUSE IT WAS INTOLERABLE….AND YES HE STARTER TO LIVE OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE BY THE PORCH,,,,,YES I’M SO BROKEN HEART AND ALWAYS TRY TO GIVE HIM FOOD, OR BLANKETS…..AND OFFER HIM HELP, BY GOING TO A CLINIC, BUT NO LUCK AT ALL….SO IS ONLY BEEN 2 DAYS SINCE HE DEFENTLY STOP COMMING TO SLEEP OR STAY BY THE HOUSE….AND I JUST TRYING TO LIVE IN FAITH WITH GOD, ALWAYS PRAYING, THAT HE FINDS BOTTOM BEFORE IS TO LATE, IM IN ONE BREATH EVERY TIME I HEAR AN AMBULANCE…DID HE GOT A EPILEPTHC ATTACK??…DID THEY HURT HIM?…DID HE DIED FROM OVERDOSE??..DID HE COMMITTED SUICIDE??….UFFFSSS…..I HAVE RASH ALL OVER DUE DERMATHITIS NERVEUOS…..
-MUCH TO MY OWN KNOWLKEDGE,AFTER READING “ALL POSTS” FOUND OUT THAT IS NOT A “HUMAN POWER” THAT CAN EXIST THAT CAN CURE HIM.
-SO I BEEN PRAYING, AND PRAYING, AND MORE PRAYING, BECAUSE I ALWAYS BELIVE IN GOD….AND HE’S MY ONLY SURVIVAL SOURCE, AND HE WILL BE THE ONE, THAT WILL “ENLIGHTED HIM”, IN ANY GIVEN DAY,,,,EVERYTHING ELSE HAD FAIL!!!…..SOOO….DRS., CLINICS, MEDICINES,,,THEY DON’T HAVE ANY MEANNING CURE, IF THEY ARE NOT BLESSED BY GOD….
-I HOPE I DON’T DISTURBED ANYBODY HERE, BEACUSE I THINK YOU’RE ALL WONDERFUL PERSONS.
LAST WORDS:…IS TERRIBLE THAT THE GOVERMENT SYSTEM, DOESN’T NOT ALLOWED US TO HAVE POWER OVER THE MEDICAL, AND IN SOME CASES (AS MY CASE)…FAMILY THERAPY, BECAUSE THE PATIENT, DOESN’T ALLOW US….’CAUSE HE JUST WANT THEM TO HEAR THEIR SIDE OF THE STORY…..
THANK YOU…..AND GOD BLESS YOU ALL.

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Michelle
April 11th, 2015 at 12:13 PM
My prayers are with you. Life is hard enough. But when it’s you’re children that suffer, nothing can be worse

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damum
May 3rd, 2015 at 12:41 AM
Hi there. Let’s remember that our person is ill and not a behavioral problem or a wild animal who can live outside. States have 1-800 #s for adults just like for kids. Please call this number and fight for your person’ s rights and needs. Parents do not have skills in all areas of care needed by their person. As we can read here, most of our kids have complex, multiple diagnoses. We need help. If you are at the end of your rope, have your person taken to the Emergency dept of a hospital with psychiatric care. They will have to evaluate your person and provide care and referrals. Do not let a suffering human being spend another minute sleeping in the cold, alone and without care. You have a phone, so use it. None of us deserve to be abandoned and ignored. And yes, I have an adult child, age 33, who needs care 24/7 and I am a disabled single parent providing for her. I give up several times a day! But she is my baby, and I am responsible for getting her the help she needs. She is in bed now. The most quiet it has been all day. Take that next breath slowly, and tie a knot in the rope and hang on! We don’t have to be perfect but we must be responsible adults in regard to our kids.

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Tammy
May 16th, 2015 at 7:12 AM
Amen :)
Kim
June 1st, 2015 at 12:06 PM
Very well said! Not everyone is equipped to deal with this!
Anne W.
July 10th, 2015 at 4:35 AM
Hello Manuel,
I feel for your situation, which is so similar to my own.
I don’t even know how to put my son out. God bless you, and please,I hope you do return.

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RescueRehome
March 14th, 2015 at 11:21 PM
Good Evening (Day) those parents and families who are trying as hard as I am, my name is Dori by the way, to hold tight by a fragmented thin thread of hope and of love… in the midst of a life that I know myself I couldn’t have ever fathomed having to actually live – with my beloved and absolutely gorgeous young adult son.

My handsome and brave son has been diagnosed with first break schizophrenia. We have both known the meaning of fear and of confusion and of bewilderment since that diagnosis 3 yrs ago – beyond the depth of each of the meanings of those words. Those words however, scrape the surface yet describe perfectly these realities we are now faced with which we cannot wish away, and that is in every way, in all facets of life now, a mother and a son navigating a horrendous mental health system that adds more stress, heartache and full time energy, often than actual help! An endless list of case managers, psychologists, psychiatrists, treatment teams have replaced the everyday lives we thought we once had.

I have been thru what seems like an endless nightmare-and I feel a hundred years old – and yes this has likely taken years off my life, I now worry about my son’s years ahead. I was a vibrant, beautiful woman fighting the aging thing well! In the 3 years since my son returned home from his first college year away- literally our lives have been ripped to shreds, torn inside out, glimmers of hope fading fast. That is with a relentless woman like me fighting every lying clinician, becoming an expert at the system itself and then trying to save my son his dignity all the while. Be relentless in your pursuit until your loved one is stable, when you have fought the abuse, pain, and every awful thing that accompanies parenting a suffering adult child-realize this: it is not a sprint, but a marathon with no finish line, if that makes sense.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am not here to vent and I am not a victim, neither is my precious son. We are however 3 years now fighting to get my son back, as much his surfing, riding, laughing and charming self as we can possibly grab a hold of – to a healthful life, a full and enriched life…a LIFE. A LIFE. This journey – this mental illness my beloved has is NOT going to run his life if I have a breath left – do NOT GIVE UP. That in a long way is what I say to me, and to all of you.

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Reba
April 2nd, 2015 at 10:26 AM
I have a 22 yo daughter who has been diagnosed with bipolar, borderline personality anxiet and depression. She now has 3 beautiful children but has a difficult time dealing with having young children. She no longer lives with me but I am the only person she can go to when she’s having a meltdown. She has moved from place to place so often because of bad choices. She can’t hold down a job due to constant meltdowns. I do all I’m able to help financially but I am mentally, emotionally and physically drained by her constant needs. I work so much I’m completely worn out so that I can help her. Nobody in my family understands what I deal with. I’ve just been blamed and shamed for her behavior. My children were my whole life after they were born. Now I’m just trying to have some kind of a life of my own. I wishi knew where to find a support group.

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Amy
April 12th, 2015 at 8:16 AM
My son is 32 and lives with my husband and myself. He was misdiagnosed for ten years with various psychiatric diagnoses including ADD, depression, ICD etc. I now know that he has neurological lyme disease and we have a good doctor, but the ups and downs are so difficult. He really cannot take care of himself and the worst part is that he kind of missed out on 14 years of his life so he has no friends at all and is so isolated. He is on SSD, but any tries I have made at him living on his own have failed. I think the worst part for me is the isolation of not knowing anyone else who lives this life and
I long for support from people in similar situations. The details od not matter, the grief and frustration are the same. I would love it if people could contact me.

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Diane S
May 8th, 2015 at 10:49 PM
Amy, you are definitely not alone! keep trying to find a NAMI support group and even if the distance is too far to travel maybe someone would be willing to talk with you. I feel my son’s lost about 20 years of his life but he has had a life just not the one I’d imagined he’d have! I struggle with depression but mostly about my adult daughter’s rages rather then my son’s schizophrenia. take it a day at a time and be grateful for small blessings then the journey you and your family are on will not overwhelm you.

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Robert
April 12th, 2015 at 1:25 PM
A lady i was dating for 6 months has a child eho is msi. I could no longer be around the child. My blood pressure would grt dangerously high snd i would get terrible anxiety.
The child eith msi is now 30 and requires constant care. Anytime her mother and I would sit together, she would curse, tell her mom she hates her and at times hit her mother.
I am paralyzed from the waist down and have been for 30 years and that is enough stress in my life already without dealing with a child with msi.
The mother has no life except working and caring for her child with msi.
Am I wrong telling the mother I couldn’t handle being around the child?
I told the mother and she was verynupset snd ended our relationship.
I think thr mother is doing a disservice to her child and herself by not putting her in a safe, healthy group home.
Do not understand

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Ann
April 17th, 2015 at 9:49 PM
I sit crying and feeling intense grief and sadness about the life my 30 year old son has not had, and will neverhave. Although diagnosed at age 16 with rapid cycling Bipolar illness he was undoubtedly rapid cycling throughout his childhood. He also has severe ADHD and
generalized anxiety. He currently lives in his own apartment in Colorado but it is always in horrible shape as he throws all trash on the floor. We live in Wisconsin and try to travel back and forth to clean his apt and open his mail to pay bills. At times he has opened credit cards(how can this happen since he does not have a job?) and constantly asks for money. We are supporting him but can’t afford to do so much longer. However we do not want him to live with us nor does he want to. He won’t apply for SSDisability as he says there is no reason to live if he can’t work. I found this website tonight as I sit in a hotel room in Colorado on one of my trips to help my son. Today I convinced him to see someone at a mental health center who helps with employment. During the interview he lashed out telling the interviewer how his parents have done a myriad of things to ruin his life. Although he has done this in appointments with mental health providers before(which I spend hours on the Internet looking for) I didn’t see this coming. As with all parents in this situation I feel such anguish from my worry about what will happen to him when we can’t be here for him. I also feel as though my life will be shortened because of the extreme stress I feel 24/7. It is a life sentence for both of us.

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Suzanna
April 20th, 2015 at 7:23 PM
I feel your heart ache. You are not alone. I have so many of the same feelings you described. I also have an adult son, younger than yours but I fear is on a similar road. I hope you and I both find a light at the end of the tunnel.

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Maya
April 28th, 2015 at 10:15 PM
Hi There is no support out there! Drs all they do is pill pop! The patient does not take the meds anyway!

My son is 34 ADDH never treated although small group setting and accommodation even went to the university for 2 years!

Lost his roommate which was his child school BFF! Died year 2000! My son snapped!!

Now and then he has schizoaffective disorder /maniac depression!

No support anywhere! I even wrote to the NAMI for help! Nothing !!

I am sick and tired of being a caregiver and when my son despises me worst! His life is my fault!!

I am bipolar myself so they say! I never medicated now at 57 to start Bipo meds! I don’t think so! I worked 38 years w/o major difficulties ! I would say I was just a problem person that did the job! As I was forced into SSD due to Inmmulogo disorder because of high level of stress and walking on egg shells!

Everything I had is either broken or spit at! I’m just done!

I don’t want to be a caregiver!

Does that mean I don’t love anymore?

I’m exhausted! My BFF was the casino and that just tore my life in 2 pieces, lost my significant other to brain cancer!

He was the only person that could deal with me and my son roller coaster behaviors!

I wish I can have better suggestions, but all I have is isolation, shame , disgust, insomnia!

Thank god I quit smoking and drinking if not I would be in some corner loosing it!

I think either I will be a statistic or my son will!!

I want to move on! I’m a women and I delt with my demons and have lost many times!

So I need to let go of my son so he can find his way in life!

I can’t force a horse to drink water from the river! I refuse to keep beating on a dead horse!

He is old enough to take care of himself! He gets his SSD find a partime job and if it makes him happy to live in filt then let it be ! May God bless us all!!

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Jocelyn
April 29th, 2015 at 11:46 AM
Ann I too live in Wisconsin, I have 2 daughters one has been diagnosed as bipolar with add and anxiety disorder and I believe my youngest also has the same yet different issues as the oldest. I have been searching and searching for support groups in south eastern Wisconsin if you reside in this area do you know of any? sometimes I’m so frustrated I just want to wash my hands of the problems that are associated with loving them but saying it is one thing to actually do it is impossible even without the grandkids involved, I just want my children to be ok. Anyways if you live in south east Wisconsin would you be interested in helping me to start a support group?

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Sue
June 25th, 2015 at 8:11 PM
I to feel the same and from WI. Often feel guilty for wanting to give up but know i never would. I would not even try to join local support groups due to fear of non confidential. Many don’t really understand mental illness and it’s sad how even depression is labeled as “you’re crazy” by employers, courts defenses for divorce, custody, etc. So many have no choice but to try to hide it, even if your intelligent, kind, have degrees, or are well respected in community- once you let the cat out of the bag you can’t get it back in, and many would use it against you to gain a leg up. So I tell no one about the struggles of my adult son or dealing with depression myself , and I’m thankful for sites like this.
Amy Watson
April 18th, 2015 at 10:45 AM
Thank you so much for your post. I wanted to add that I also tried to put him into an apartment for a while, but the shape of the place was always filthy
I
thought it would make it easier for me , but it did not. My biggest problem is that he has been diagnosed with lymes and he always gets a lot better when he is first put on antibiotics. For three months, my son was healthy, pleasant, etc. I try not to get my hopes up, but “I always do. Now we are in a bad place where he is is so agitated and mean and even though I know that his brain is swollen, I feel totally alone, frustrated, depressed, and isolated. Like your situation, he has no one else in his life and has no life so that makes it so much worse. I need a support person who understands this hell because I feel so isolated and alone.

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theres
April 21st, 2015 at 9:00 AM
I too came to this website at wits end.

My daughter is almost 21 years old and has a dual diagnosis of drug addition and borderline personality disorder.

We tried sending her back to college but that was a disaster. Her drug addiction just picked up and escalated.

By the grace of God she got arrested for shoplifting so we brought her back home. It’s going to be a life long struggle and both my husband and I just have to be strong

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Lisa
April 24th, 2015 at 1:04 AM
I have a 22 yo daughter who has Paranoid Schizophrenia and either rapid cycling Bipolar or panic disorder (yet to be determined). Her first psychotic break was when she was 19. First hospitalization when she was 21. Second hospitalization 6 months later (February of this year) because she secretly went off her med….She became so paranoid that she spent every waking hour trying to find ways to block the rays of “Direct Energy Weapons” from hitting her. I was able to see messages she wrote to some people on Facebook claiming that she was hearing a voice that was telling her to get her dads gun and kill herself. Thinks she is being watched and “gang stalked.” I gave this info to her psychiatrist who then wanted to put her on an injectable antipsychotic med. she refused so had to have her committed and got her medication court ordered. She begs me not to be on injectable meds, but then turns around and says she doesn’t think she’s ill and that Psychiatrists are in on her torcher….it has been nonstop drama for about a year. I am so exhausted. I feel that years are being cut off of my life. It is heartbreaking. I need to talk to other parents who are going through this. I can’t even think straight right now…

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Edie M
April 24th, 2015 at 12:13 PM
Hi Lisa Maybe we can help each other I too have a daughter with Schizophrenia she was missing and somehow ended up New Mexico the cops call us we told her she is ill they took her to the hospital then let her go then she was calling boston threateining them the police not a good time to be doing that with the bombing anniversary we kept calling the police there asking to do wellness checks at the hotel we put her up in so she wasn’t homeless they finally put her on a 7 day hold now today they are taking her to the state hospital which is a hole we have no idea what to do we know no one there and we are not her guardian wouldn’t matter anyway cause it doesn’t cross state line This system is so messed up beyond they have no fricken idea what they are doing. You must not be sleeping either !!

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Jocelyn
April 29th, 2015 at 11:30 AM
I have a 26 year old bipolar daughter she has 2 children the oldest being autistic. Exactly a year ago she was hospitalized for a week as a result of bipolar psychosis in which God was speaking to her. This was her first real episode where I as her mother was unable to reach her and it terrified me. Her eyes darting rapidly, foam at the corners of her mouth and the movement of her head almost snake like. I was sure she was on drugs but her tox screens came back negative. Since that time she has convinced herself I want to steal her children and that I care for them more than I do her. No amount of assuring her this is not the case works however I am very worried for my grandchildren and weekly interaction with them is all that keeps me somewhat sane as I need to know they are ok. Approximately 2 months ago my daughter stopped taking her medication she says she prayed on it and God has healed her. She has become trembly paranoid of me and will not let the kids see me at all even when they ask to see me she has now made the statement that she is moving away after she gets her disability approved. Her father is sociopathic schizophrenic and I have been the only one to help her or be there for her in the last 12 years. She has had a long term boyfriend but every time she’s has an episode ( she is often paranoid or delusional) he leaves the state and leaves the kids with her. I have already had temporary guardianship on three separate occasions. I am heartsick that I cannot help her and so very frightened for my grandchildren.

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Mary E
May 3rd, 2015 at 2:31 PM
I a a single parent of a young adult son with schitoaffective disorder. I love him dearly but I am beginning to feel depressed. My whole life is affected by his illness. I am losing my self esteem, my energy and my joy in life. He was recently evicted from his apartment and is living in my garage/home. He has not ability to handle money and doesn’t seem employable. It is a rough go…for both of us. I am happy to have found this site. He is disabled and collects a minimal amout. I just need to read others’ stories..it is very therapeutic to know I am not the only person going thru something like this.

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Holly
May 8th, 2015 at 8:41 AM
Mary,
I’m right there with you. I feel like this is someone else’s life. Things weren’t supposed to turn out this way. My son is nineteen and newly diagnosed, although I’ve known it for a while. Suddenly, family members who were always there before, have disappeared. And my family was close. I feel like I’m mourning several losses at the same time. I feel like those who are experiencing this are my new family. I see the world and the people in it so differently now. Hang in there. Day by day. Big hugs

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Deanna
May 7th, 2015 at 10:33 PM
I have a 33 year old daughter and have been trying to help her all her life she has suffered from depression as early as 5 years old.
I always blame myself her father was abusive so I left when she was 4 months old. Then married again and my husband then adopted her and gave her a sister. My second husband cheated on me we divorced all of this has such an effect on my oldest daughter. She had troubles in school and the work place it was always some one else’s flaut not hers. Over the years we had her in counseling we had family counseling. I did remarry and have been married for almost 25 years so he has lived and stayed devoted no matter how bad it has gotten. Alisa has always thought of him as her dad they are very close. I have been working to get her on Ssi she is not able to hold a job and she has son to take care of she has lived with us off and on for the last 10 years. When I was visiting her sister in Houston she called and said she is moving to Florida to be with her husband who abused her and only saw his son twice in 10 years.
She told me she hated me and that I ruined her life. She recently found her birth dad about 3 months ago and every since then she has become defiant and mad at me she says I was never abused that I lied and took her away from her real father. Her birth dad is the one who is helping her move she was trying to move out while we were on vacation so we made her move sooner we caint let strangers in our house and she thinks I am being unreasonable as usual and proves her point and said after she moves she will never speak to me again. My grandson is the one who will suffer because his mom just caint see with her mental problems she is not being rational. She is moving where there is none of her family and we can no longer bail her out it has drained us financially and mentally I have many health issues now and caint work I have hit rock bottom and we told her she can not live with us again and we will not be able to rescue her so far away. I have never felt so defeated just when things were looking up she got on Ssi it is still not enough to support them both I have always taken care of her bills and made sure her son was taken care of I don’t know what else I can do without bringing my own self down. After more than 25 years of dealing with this it has crushed my spirit and heart. After reading all of this it is nice to know my husband and I are not alone I am lucky in the fact that my husband has stayed through it all he is an amazing man and the Love of my life. Good luck to you all.

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Diane
May 9th, 2015 at 12:17 AM
I am a 68 yr old mother of two adult children, one with schizophrenia the other with a mood disorder. I have an easier time dealing with and have more compassion for the schizophrenia symptoms of my adult son then the frequent bouts of unexpected rages from my adult daughter…finding this website is a bright light in a stressful week! I am humbled by the compassion I hear in everyone’s comments and also challenged to reframe my thoughts about our families journey in mental illness land, thanks everyone!

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Robin
May 11th, 2015 at 6:55 PM
Hello all
I have read many of your comments and many of them I feel I have written myself. I am so over wrought and stressed to the max over my 35 yr old son. He is bipolar ,anxiety including social anxiety disorder, depression and lives pills like candy. Thousands of dollars we have spent trying to help him…….my husband is his stepdad…… Which is been very good to us but we are both just down to our knees. I feel so guilty for I want to get off this roller coaster and give up which has me so upset. Yes I am feeling health issues and my husband is at his end and beginning to have some marital problems and I cannot make my son do anything…….I am so mentally tired and it is killing me to see his life passing him by. I see no normal life for him or ever getting married and having a child….. In his heart he wants these things but I do not see him ever being stable enough to obtain them.
Like all you say…….where is there any help???? Our monetary resources are tapped out to continue down this road…….I have a very loving husband that I am scared I may lose and a son that can steal and lie to me with no remorse.
I have been the one to always say but he is my son and I love him and have to help him………but he has beat me down and I feel so guilty and a hole in my heart. Anybody that is living this way I would welcome just to hear from…….this is causing me such heartache and pain. I am in SC. God Bless You All!!!

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lissette
June 3rd, 2015 at 8:35 PM
Hi Robin,
I have a 26 year old son with paranoid schizophrenia
I can feel your pain, my son lives on his own with another mentally Ill guy,I’m so frustrated of going to his house and finding such a mess, trash, clothes, cigarette buds, you name it is everywhere… it just drives me crazy with anger, because I don’t know what else to said to them, today I went to his house and found flies all over
…they haven’t been cleaning the cats (4)litter box !!!!….I’m just tired of having to do it myself if I want anything done. You have a good support with your husband, Mine is not my son’s father and doesn’t care about him and I’m basically the only one taking all the burden….Do everything you can to take care of your marriage ,because you will always have the responsibility with your son and believe me is even harder when you don’t have a shoulder to cry on .

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Linda
June 16th, 2015 at 7:18 AM
Hi I really need to talk to you as I feel I am going to have a nervous breakdown because of my 29 year old sons abuse to me,my husband,and my daughter. have spent thousands of dollars maybe hundreds of thousands to try to help him. we don’t know where to turn and what to do

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damum
May 11th, 2015 at 9:40 PM
Hi Robin! You sound like me! Ready to collapse and give up!! At least we made it through Mom’s Day, right? Some times, you just have to get through the next hour. Just drop everything and try to make life nice for just one hour. You may have to ask your person to stop talking, leave the room, whatever. You have to fight for yourself at this point. Isn’t it crazy that our govt spends so many billions on wars we don’t even approve or understand, but we can’t get any level of help for our mentally ill adult children? Try to contact your state and county agencies, and see what they have for housing, job assistance, medical care, and respite for you. I was flattened one Summer and found out that I could have 2 weeks of Respite Care (in Missouri). I was able to deliver my Girl to 2 competent women who owned an Emu Farm!! I was so relieved and happy to have been directed to this fantastical, fun respite placement!! I enjoyed feeding and watching the emu and knowing that I could get 2 weeks of rest! Whoooppppeeee!! So, keep calling numbers and asking for help. So much of it is out there; we just need to discover it. Many blessings, Suzy

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Ann
May 12th, 2015 at 7:21 PM
Hi Jocelyn,
I have not joined a NAMI support group yet as there are several in the southeast WI area and I need to check them out. I guess I would like to see how the already established support NAMI support groups are before thinking about starting one. I took the NAMI Family-to-Family class and it was just great to meet weekly with other parents/relatives living with the same struggles we all have. I would highly recommend this to all.
Ann

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Jocelyn
May 13th, 2015 at 6:56 AM
Thank You for responding Ann, I think I will begin with that class if I can find one in my area. There is a group here but it meets once a month in the A.M. and I am at work at that time. I have been talking with friends from another support group I attend I am part of a 12 step program. This last week has been especially hard for me as I have not spoken with my daughter now for over 2 weeks and my anxieties and fears have really been in full swing especially because I know she is not taking her meds and making very poor choices right now. One thing that people keep saying to me is “Why are you letting this effect you so much? It has happened before and she always comes back.” I had to really sit down and think about that, I think the biggest emotion I am feeling today is lack of control… I cannot control the way her brain works and it makes me feel helpless. When I feel Helpless I become frightened. There are many things that I can control though like whether I am acting rather than re-acting. I say this because as the years go on and my daughters symptoms progress I find myself re-acting more often and I think its possible this can aggravate her symptoms. I can take this time to work on me, sometimes a step back is good to put things in perspective (I say this because although that step was not voluntary it may be just what I need to regroup for myself) My daughter is 26 and the lat three years I have spent running in circles my days existing on checking on her and caring for the kids walking on eggshells so as not to over excite her or cause a reaction of some negative consequence … I am tired regrouping will be good. I am so thankful my husband sent this link to me as just being able to read others stories and share my thoughts has helped me greatly. I did contact one of the therapists from this site and so badly want to meet with her but it is well above my price range and not covered by insurance so I will keep typing away and in the meantime looking for other alternatives. Like I said earlier thank you for responding it is just a huge help knowing others are going through the same things as I am.

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Ann
June 21st, 2015 at 10:51 PM
I have been working very hard to diminish the level of fear I experience around my 31 yr old son’s Bipolar Illness. He has cycled into a more stable period the last month so I have used this time of respite to think about how to hold myself in a more emotionally stable mood. My fear emanates from many sources of his illness: intensity of his anger when manic and feeling traumatized by his verbal beatings, financial concerns realizing we will have to support him and not having figured that into retirement, wondering who/how he will be cared for when we’re gone, and the list goes on. I find that my sadness causes me to lose sight of still having some life for myself. It feels so selfish to enjoy anything when my child is suffering! However, I have started to take small steps in my thinking and actions toward developing some “selfishness” and find that it is creating a healthier balance for me. I am consciously working to replace old thoughts, so easy to slide into, with new phrases about it being ok for me to do things I enjoy and try not to diminish the enjoyment, no matter how small, with guilty and sad thoughts. As a friend of mine who is a psychologist said to me, “in the end we can only save ourselves.” To me that doesn’t mean that I do any less for my son but it means I see him more clearly as a person separate from me allowing me some self protective distance. Another phrase I am continually saying to myself is to not let fear rule my life. After stopping and thinking about the inordinate amount of time I devote to this emotion I realized how much of my day was taken over by it. When I see him cycling into depression or mania I am trying to stand firm internally and remind myself this will happen again and again as it has for 20 years. My loving him, supporting him financially as best we can, and his knowing that we are emotionally supportive is enough as in reality it is all I can do. Beyond that I find some peace in knowing that life will play out as it will and that I have to keep trying to hold a stable/balanced middle ground for myself as he cannot see beyond his own needs to make room for that.
Ann

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Sally
June 26th, 2015 at 3:52 PM
Ann,
I am really glad to hear from you. I am experiencing exactly the same as you are with my daughter. This is the saddest thing ever in life to deal with on a daily basis. Constant worry and an inability to have a normal life, and the pain we feel for them.This past year my sister lost her daughter who was 30 years old to a sudden death. Married and had a 2 yr old son and received her Masters Degree and working in a good job and up for a promotion.Very well loved. My sisters other daughter had been diagnosed heart disease called Pulmonary Hypertension and hospitalized and on a wait list for a heart and lung transplant 2 years ago. Anyways, it is possible that my niece had an undiagnosed familial heart condition,as well. The point is that people like us who are dealing with serious issues so often and worrying constantly are doing ourselves in. I am trying to get the right perspective and balance on this too. A sudden death, is not about worry constantly but profound pain suddenly. We can not control any of it either way.I too am relearning how to take care of my self better. Need strengthened faith, self love. Again, so glad to hear from you.

Sally
eddy
May 20th, 2015 at 3:01 AM
Well,here is my story,I met my female partner 8 years ago,3 of my children and 4 of hers was living in my house ,ok its a big house,she was very regimental and never got on with my kids,they now are all gone ,but my girl now 31 who suffers bi bola and cutting and schizophrenia has to move out of her house as her boyfriend turned carer has decided to leave.So be aware that my girl was with me from the age of 18 to 27 ,she is non violent ,plays piano like an angel,and loves her guinea pigs,basically she has never grown up and she is stuck in her world.I love her dearly.

I was put in a situation from my partner in that she did not want my daughter back,Well my respect and love for her has gone.And as such we are now parting ways.

I will be looking after my daughter and find this not a burden,I brought her into the world and i have a responsibility to look after her.

Not the support i was looking for.

cheers eddy

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sherie h
August 29th, 2015 at 2:03 AM
Eddy , I think you have basically manned up to the responsibiltys of your child . And you have my respect.

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Cassandra
May 23rd, 2015 at 5:22 PM
Hello, I am hoping someone may relate to my little story. Currently I am a person with a traumatic brain injury from a seizure fall and am unipolar. I was just about finished at ASU with my BFA when head injury occurred but had to withdraw due to memory issues. Anyhow, since I live alone it is not easy to gage how I am socially. Earlier this week I mistook something my mother did as a poke at my mental health and I snapped, quickly told her I had to leave, kissed her cheek good bye. I can tell I hurt her feelings and my two sisters have called ‘out-of-the-blue’, so I am sure they must all agree I travel by broomstick now. I do feel bad, maybe I overreacted only I don’t know how to make this whole thing ‘right’. Apologies don’t seem to be working. :(

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carol
May 26th, 2015 at 11:57 AM
My son is 45 mentally ill and emi and is recently violent …throws things…fits…rants raves..etc etc etc……..he is ocd too…throws EVERYTHING AWAY…my clothes….you name it …..cup , silverware…I am way too old for this…the dept of mental health kicked us out because the say he has insurance……but his insurance is medicaide with hmo..the hmo claims to offer mental health …but I have yet to find a psychiatrist that will take the insurance………I am dying …mentally and physically…….I CANT TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS TYRANT CRAP….my husband is a working alcoholic…..and offers no help…just wants him out of the house…but he had never worked cant count or do money , educationally functions on a 3 rd grade level at best…….nobody to help us……

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Patty
May 31st, 2015 at 7:36 PM
To Holly (#75) I, too, feel I am living someone else’s life. My 20 y.o. granddaughter was diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 18. Her mother left the state with a boyfriend. None of my family members will help me. I did get SSDI and Medicaid for her. I had her in an assisted living facility, but she left after 6 months and removed me as the payee for her SSDI. Since then, she has been in and out of the hospital. Last month, she bought a bus ticket for California and I had to find her and bring her back to Flordia. It kills me, but I do not feel safe with her in my house. I don’t know what to do. No one will help me…

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Holly
June 14th, 2015 at 10:26 PM
Patty – Are things any better? Are you doing okay?

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Amy
June 1st, 2015 at 5:57 PM
I am overwhelmed by hearing that the anxiety and depression I feel is not an anomaly, but is typical of someone in this situation. I feel a connection already from these posts that is helping me.

My case a little different, but the feelings are the same. My 32 year old son actually has lyme disease which took forever to get diagnosed and it greatly affects his brain. When he first got sick at age 16, I used to tell doctors that he always did better on antibiotics, but no one ever listened to me.
There is such a long story here, but his illness manifests in agitation, depression, and isolation. The hardest part for me is that he has no one else in his life and has missed out on the last 16 years.

What makes it worse is that he has had months of total remission from alternative treatments like hyperbaric treatments and antibiotics and every time this happens, his whole personality comes back and he has made many attempts to try to start a life for himself. During those times, I have my intelligent son back and I unfortunately let my guard down.

Unfortunately, every time he has gotten better, he has gotten really sick again and before he knows it, he is back on the couch all day with no mental or physical energy.

I am finding it so hard to cope with this and feel like I keep mourning his loss over and over again. WE have been all over the country to various doctors and I refuse to give up on him.

I have no extended family at all and my husband who is not his father is supportive, but it is not his son and he is sick of all the time I spend worrying about him.

I have tried putting him in apartments, but it never works out because he is not very caring for himself at times.

Does anyone else feel like this runs their life and they have trouble getting away from thinking about it?

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Louise A.
June 12th, 2015 at 1:09 AM
Yes I’d to also feel this way.

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sherie h
August 29th, 2015 at 1:59 AM
My ex husband and I think and talk about this continually , it rules our lives .
Neither of us have met and moved on in another relationship since he’s been ill.

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Joy
June 8th, 2015 at 8:37 PM
My heart goes out to everyone who has posted. My story is along the lines of everyone here. No one knows the lonliness or the dread you feel when you have a mentally ill person. I lost a son who was 20 and to lose a daughter to an illness who takes her senses away at times is the saddest of it all.

We struggled for 2 years and nine months and I had to let go and let God. In jail he reached out to her and told her she needed help. We still had to go through four more hospitals and a LOT of stuff when she admitted she needed help.

Everyday is a new journey. A new thought. A new intention and eveyrday I get up, work on myself, work on my habits of cleaning the house, cleaning the cats boxes and taking care of me.

She has a new kind of day, thought and motivation everyday. Our lives can be going one direction one minute and the next the entire plan is changed. I have learned to live this life alone with no one understanding but always having an opinion.

Nothing in the world and no one in the world will know the pain or the suffering and sacrifices you give but God and yourself.

There are days when I have thought all the things that others have said on this blog. However one thing I have found to cling to….God and his word. His word says…I will never leave you nor forsake you. The day I began to thank God for her recovery was the day I began to see great things happen.

Today she is halfway through her Bachelors degree. Has her own apartment, bought a car and is in touch with her six year old son.

Yes, we have crazy days. Yes, I have to pray and praise God ALL the time. If you knew me, you would think I was happy all the time but inside I am touch with God because he is the only one who really knows what I am going through.

I know that this will work out to be a great testimony and it is with gratefulness that I give him honor and glory for all the things he has done and all the small details he has taken care of in her life.

The struggle is not to lose yourself to the chaos they want to create. Not to get lost in the devastation. But to focus on the good things and enjoy those small tiny victories everyday.

I have to be strong. I have to be solid with God and his word. I have to not get involved in her problems and let her work it all out. She always makes good choices and when she is rude, if I am quiet, she figures it out and apologizes.

I am blessed because this has meant learning a lot of patience and learning most of all to take it to God. Every second of the day. Every minute of the day. It is his job to watch over her and not mine.

I will put each of you on my prayer list.

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KathyC
June 10th, 2015 at 8:05 AM
thank you for encouragement….

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carol
June 9th, 2015 at 4:47 AM
cindy and everyone,

My son is 45 and mentally ill and also developementally disabled. He was denied a real education so he is further dependent on me. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia at 16…however, they diagnosed him several times with several labels . when he is good , its so nice. but he is also OCD, he throws EVERYTHING AWAY. meaning my clothes , my everthing. I am trying to lock things up. but its impossible. cups, silverware, his clothes too. He will break or rip things and say they are junk and throw them away. Thousands of dollars thrown away. We are not wealthy …even everyday necessities add up. If you catch him he is a tyrant. My husband is no help and just sits in his outdoor room after work and drinks . I am the only one my son has. We were kicked out of community mental health in November because they say his medicaide insurance covers mental health….My mother just passed away after years of struggling to find her help with dementia. I am worn out too …beaten down. I have NOBODY to discuss this with . I cant get help for my son . but I wont stop trying. My husband said If I die he will just call the police on him and have him removed..(he is not his father , although he has been with him since he was a baby). My son is not able to live on his own. He is totally dependent on me for everything. Im sure this adds to his issues……menta illness. Im sure he is afraid.
We need help too……god help all of them and all of us caregivers……..NOBODY UNDERSTANDS WHAT THIS IS LIKE …..NOT EVEN THE “THERAPISTS’, DOCTORS .ETC

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Louise A.
June 11th, 2015 at 11:20 PM
It’s almost as though you’ve lost your child that you raised and have a completely different child and it breaks your hurt cuz I can’t fix it….my daughter has schizoaffective disorder and it’s one of the most mind boggling thing to understand. But I keep hoping and praying everyday that she will come back…I need a good support group of parents to talk with. Any in or around Muskogee or Tulsa Oklahoma area?

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Jeanette J.
June 13th, 2015 at 8:48 AM
Hi Carol
I’m from Chennai India and recently my 36 year old son was diagnosed with manic bipolar for which he is under medication starting from today. His condition is a result of years if ignorance on my part and like you I too suffered with an uncaring man who never felt that this was his son and who was going through phases of depression since 18 yrs of age. Yet I as expected
,blame myself for not seeking medical help in the early stages. I always thought he was rebellious and just spoilt rotten by me. His father passed away 7 yrs ago and I somehow got him to do several software development courses and he excels in that. A great programer too. He worked for two years but abruptly snapped two years ago and since then it is a harrowing experience every single day.
He damaged ripped important documents and hit me on occasions. Today I had to seek medical help as he seems entirely anti social and threatening me with murder etc.
He is in medication since morning. God bless you Carol …i am with u in this troubled situation…i will stay in touch once I hear from you.
Jeanette

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sherie h
August 29th, 2015 at 1:54 AM
I’m sitting here thinking that you may as well remove your husband as he is no use ?? Is that cruel ? Sorry if you think it is ! .
But surely having someone living in the back room and being of I support at all must be worse than having none.. Unless he supports you financially it must add to your stress.

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Robin N.
June 16th, 2015 at 5:11 AM
Sorry I have not been back on in a while….I myself have fibromyalgia and my memory is really bad, I forgot the name of this website.
But I want to thank Damon and Lissette for their responses to my post…..I am still a mess over my son that just hearing from someone else is a comfort. All of us that come to this site is in need of support and hearing that someone cares and can really understand.
My son is still in bad shape as ever and I fear he may be experiencing the beginnings of a nervous breakdown. His bipolar has taken complete control of his life along with the woman he says he is trying to break up with but cannot stop texting her and probably still seeing at times. He is so obsessed and I have real fears if he does not cut ties with her she may end up physically hurting him, she already has destroyed him mentally. So far she has busted his computer and slashed his tire which they were in a full blown argument during the time , he had called me in tears and I could hear part of their fight and she was doped and drunk and going crazy with a knife in her hand. The other day she did do something that hurt his thumb, I think maybe a pulled ligament.
What is going to make this situation stop?
I feel dread that something bad is going to happen to my Son, he is a grown man and I have no control over all these bad choices he is making. He is not working nor looking for a job for he says he is too stressed to work.
I love him dearly, but I am so tired of supporting him and living his drama?
What am I supposed to do?…..

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Barbara
June 16th, 2015 at 1:34 PM
It’s quite a long time since I last wrote here. My 29 year old son has been ill for 13 years, diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder (though every time he sees a new doctor he seems to be given a different diagnosis). He has just been admitted to hospital yet again. He’ll spend his 30th birthday in hospital, next Tuesday. He’s has no adult life at all, as it’s been destroyed by his mental illness. He has no friends, and has alienated his brother and sister with his hostile behaviour. I have no family, other than my three children, though I do have supportive friends. However, friends can’t help, because the only thing which makes me feel less alone is when I’m in contact with other parents who are going through the same thing. I would so love to meet up with some of you lovely people, but you live so far away. I am in London UK. I feel as if I live constantly with a bleeding, open wound in my heart. The pain is beyond anything I could describe to my friends, but you will all understand. People say I am strong, but I’m not; I have no choice in what I’m going through. It isn’t the kind of pain which makes you a stronger person; it depletes me. It makes me feel sub-human, because I operate on auto-pilot, like a robot, to get through work and every-day life.

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Sally
June 18th, 2015 at 7:25 AM
Barbara,

This is so difficult and the only people who can understand are people who have experienced this. My daughter has gotten worse and I can not get her long term care. She has been hospitalized 13 times in the last 13 months, and many many ER visits and hospitalization before these. Truly have had it. Will talk more later.
Take Care,

Sally

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Chris
June 21st, 2015 at 1:28 PM
Hi Barbara
My son is 17 and has been in a secure psychiatric unit for almost a year. I am in London and know exactly how you feel so please get in contact for a chat.
Chris

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Sue
June 25th, 2015 at 7:27 PM
I too operate on autopilot to work and survive and keep my life private from coworkers etc who would never understand. I get upsetting texts at work from him and I have no sick days, can never leave job due to providing major medical care to others, and i have to block it out and smile to get through day. If i leave work i lose my job which supports us all. So while others try calling in for a sick dog i work knowing i could find my son dead any day from depression. If they only knew. My son is 21 & i pay to have him live in apt out of my home because i need to protect his younger brother from verbal physical outbursts as well as myself. Due to anxiety he won’t talk on phone, make appts, get license, etc. So i do it all, work non stop and suffer from chronic back surgery pain constantly. Not sure how long before break myself. Looking back i often feel i was young and niave having kids knowing family has history of depression etc but you never think of the life sentence for everyone involved. The kids and yourself. I love them more than life, but this isn’t living. glad i found this web page today. Sorry for venting!

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Sally
June 25th, 2015 at 8:37 PM
Sue,

Yes, I relate to this entirely. No one can possibly understand what we all go through. I too, do not have a life with this. It is pathetic. I am trying to find a way to enjoy and get my life on track.
Vicki W.
August 5th, 2015 at 2:00 PM
I am not in London but in Kent. My son has just been sectioned again- he suffers with delusions and paranoia, refuses to take any medication except illegal drugs and blames me for all his problems. He is 26 and my only child. I despair for him- he managed to get out of the PICU in Maidstone yesterday ended up coming back to me threatening to kill me or himself. He is now back in hospital. All the anger is slowly killing me. I am in utter despair so you are certainly not on your own

Vicki x

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
August 5th, 2015 at 4:20 PM
Hi Vicki,
Please know there is help available! Working with a therapist can help you manage the anger and despair you feel, and give you tools to help overcome it. You can search for a therapist on the GoodTherapy.org directory here:https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

Wishing you the very best,
The GoodTherapy.org Team
Vicki
August 26th, 2015 at 2:40 PM
I can completely understand how you are feeling- I have many good friends but it is hard for them to understand exactly what I have been going through. My son is currently in Dartford, Kent awaiting a forensic assessment. I have taken a break and am with relatives in Devon for the next three weeks- trying to take my mind off this awful situation but it’s always there. I will be back in Kent mid September and if you would like my contact details leave a message here.

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Anne
June 16th, 2015 at 4:17 PM
I am a mother of a beautiful 26 year old daughter who battles with severe mental illness. She has 2 children (5 & 6 yrs old) and they all live with me. I am divorced. I have no immediate family near me. My question I have is this. Have any of you dealt with issues at your job because they don’t understand the enormous battle we caregivers face daily. I have worked at my job for 14 years and am just about to lose it. I’ve missed work because the last 4 months have been awful. I have taken vacation and sick leave, but am at the end of that now. The sad thing is that I work for a church. I am so hurt and angry that it has come to this. I sit in staff meetings each week and hear prayers going up for people with severe diarrhea and want to scream, “My world is falling apart! How about praying for me and my family for once!) I don’t say anything because I just can’t believe nobody asks how things are with us.They know I spent 27 hours in an ER and watched my daughter be taken by ambulance to a Psychiatric Hsp. a month ago and that she was gone for 10 days. I had to take care of my grandkids and couldn’t afford a sitter! It’s summer! I get my work done (Financial) coming in at all kinds of crazy hours. I don’t know how to explain this to them, because if you don’t live in this world..there’s no way you would ever understand what a toll it takes on you. I didn’t mean for this to turn into a rant. Any advice would be great.

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Patricia
June 27th, 2015 at 4:52 AM
I sure don’t have any answers at present, except to tell you I know how hard of time you are having. Finding yourself suffering And being unacknowledged is painful. Being a decent person and getting your butt kicked as payment for your efforts for trying to support your child and her children. I get it. I’m doing it. Other people telling you it’s your fault your kid broke your heart again cause you let them do it-and it’s your fault by continuing to allow them to do it to you…and it’s your fault fault fault… Isn’t there a big fat hug in any of this? You know somebody saying to you the following:Your wounded, you’ve been hurt and it was wrong…life isn’t fair but I acknowledge that you have been hurt. Another big hug. Let me help you work thru your grief anger and sense of helplessness and try to help you figure out how to make lemons out of lemonade–or to find peace thru breaking the dysfunctional connection you cannot control. You know that since I sought you out, I have an ugly version of your issue that I have not solved, and I can’t go on as it is. Well all I can do is listen and send you the big hug my inner child needs !

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Anne
June 16th, 2015 at 4:21 PM
(Continued from above)
When I say “lose it”, I mean I’m about to be fired. Personnel committee is meeting tomorrow night. I refuse to be put in front of a panel of people asking me questions, because it is so difficult for me not to get extremely emotional. And I won’t sign a form saying I will be here everyday from 10-2. I can’t make a vow that I may not can keep. They ought to know that. It’s in the Bible not to do! (Anne)

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Joy
June 20th, 2015 at 3:05 AM
Hey everyone! I love reading your responses because it makes me feel like I am not alone. The journey is so difficult and there are times when it feels like I will explode.

I am blessed in so many ways. But I have to learn to not “listen” to her when she is depressed. She says things which are so hateful and then I get to doubting myself.

Its so hard because people who have never been through it will never understand and you can’t talk to people who have not seen this side of your children. My daughter presents a very polite and understanding person but I get all the inside hate and all the rudeness and telling me what to do all the time.

I just got a new therapist and I am excited to see if she can help me with techniques to help me set boundaries.

My daughter has an apartment but lives with me because she can’t be alone. which means no social life for me….no club meetings, no Bible Study and nothing that is life giving.

No gym. It is just me and her. I work from home and she interrupts my work all the time. It gets so frustrating.

The way I found out helps me cope with the situation is to sit and write about what is going on and why I am so angry. This way I keep the peace and she has a peaceful home to be home in.

I just moved the entire tv and tivo into her bedroom so she can watch when I am working and that seems to have helped.

Her divorce came through this week and that was a blessing because the man she was with was completely toxic and horrible to her.

I have to view my home as a hospital of sorts. I keep the house very quiet and very still. NO one can come over because it is stressful for her and I just have decided that this is going to be the way it will be for the rest of my life.

I have to find a way to cope with the lack of social interaction I have. The lack of freedom is very difficult. I don’t dare date because bringing another person into this type of situation makes the entire world a worst place.

Yes, there are tons of sacrifices. So many. I feel so much of your pain and I have had to learn to be quiet and learn to let God do the talking for me.

Three years of going through this and it is not easy. But I know that there is a light and I hang on to the moments when its quiet and she is asleep and I have time to do the paperwork and homework for my MBA.

Thanks for reading!
What a relief to see a forum like this.
Joy

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Doglover
June 22nd, 2015 at 5:12 AM
My heart goes out to all you caretakers. My son is 33 and is bi polar. He has been
On an extreme manic episode for the last 2 months. It’s amazing how he can
Destroy his life every year and a half. When he is manic he can’t stop himself
He has to keep moving. He always gets thrown in jail. This time he took his friends
Car and just started driving. He ended up in jail for car theft. I did the most stupid thing
Possible and bailed him out. I have been regretting that move everyday. Of course, he never
Went to court, so we lost 3000 in bail. Next he got in the car and went until I blew up. My husband and I are retired and live in a small town in Mexico. He called me from a borrowed phone and told me
He has crossed the border into Mexico ,with no.passport or ID ,of any kind. I am scared to death for
Him. He has no money and w/o I D you can’t get him any money. We live in Baja Calif. almost to the
Tip.about two day drive. It has been three days now. He called me from Ensanada. I don’t know who
To contact. You don’t want to end up in jail down here. I should have drove up and got him, bout he is
So confused and delusional , truthfully I am afraid of him. My husband is fishing for a living in Alaska.
I haven’t told him what is going on because his job is stressful and we need the money! so I am on my own. I look in the direction my son is coming( if he makes it) probably a hundred times today. Don’t know how to find him if he doesn’t show up soon.i have such mixed feelings. I love him but I am also afraid of him. Anyone have any ideas what steps I should take if he doesn’t show up?

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sherie haines
August 26th, 2015 at 1:25 PM
Your problem with your son actually makes me feel humble, I too have a son with mental health scitzophrenia he blames everyone else In his life for his problems and blames me most for sectioning him when I did , today we had the dreaded news that he’s been allowed too come off of his meds completely by some brain dead doctor that hasn’t read his notes !! My only gratitude is that I live in England because the police are very understanding over here .. We are waiting for the violence to start .
Heaven hell us all ..

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Vicki
August 26th, 2015 at 2:33 PM
Heard the news today that my son has now been given a Section 3- his Section 2 was coming to an end and he was sure they would release him. He has been trying to convince the doctors that his delusions have disappeared as he now accepts the results of the tests that show his head is not full of tapeworm. This evening on the phone he again told me that as he was dying from the tapeworm there was no point to anything. He has talked about killing or beheading random people. Thank goodness they have seen through him this time and finally are looking at some sort of long term care plan rather than releasing him and expecting him to comply with medication. I fully expect this to take months as the NHS is under so much pressure but I have a glimmer of hope that maybe just maybe he will get some help this time. Fingers crossed
Shell
August 30th, 2015 at 11:34 AM
Hi vicki , well that’s a relief.
Maybe they will find a medication that suits him and it will be for the best ,..my son went to littlebrook and was on a section with a proffesor there.
And I’m pretty sure that he sorted out his meds for him..he took him off of everything and then started again.
It was hard.
I’m in a different place now, we moved from dartford as my sons friends used to all take drugs and I believe that it’s a better place that we live in.
He’s come off of his meds completely now, with his doctors advice , I know there’s gonna be firework but here we go again.
It’s like a bloody merry go round isn’t it???.
I hope he’s sorted , they seem to only act if the patient talks about suicide or killing other people ..it’s madness.
S
June 24th, 2015 at 4:15 PM
I am in my 30s, daughter of an undiagnosed 65yo bipolar father (my whole life, he has always refused to be diagnosed or treated but clearly exhibits all the symptoms to severe extremes). He is an only child, and his 85yo mother is elderly and lives alone. I find myself having to care for them both, and he cannot care for her even though doctors etc look to him for decisions. I strongly suspect that 40+years of this illness have caused him early dementia, has anyone else see this happen? Is there any hope for intervention from local government, especially in terms of protecting an elderly woman from him stealing her money? Right now, it’s looking like suing him is the only option I have. She loves her son and thinks he can do no wrong, even when he spends $50,000 a month on booze and strippers.

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Val
July 9th, 2015 at 12:27 PM
Call your local or State mental health center or Child Protective Services and ask for Adult Protective Services. Usually a social worker for the county or State will evaluate her situation. Her money can be managed too. GOOD luck. Or see an attorney specializing in senior citizens (getiatric). If your dad is her official “representative payee” you notify the federal agency to challenge your father managing her money. More investigation and info from you can help the Social Security Administration etc.

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Anne W.
July 10th, 2015 at 3:44 AM
Life was hard as the only child of abusive alcoholics. They could be violent and disowned me more than once for my faith (Christian). I gave up professional singing to marry the man I loved and wanted a better, larger family. After our son was born I developed serious autoimmune problems–no more children. Then my dear husband got cancer at 44, and I did care-giving. During my husband’s years of cancer, my sweet son became angry and selfish to the point that his Dad and I would cry together in our room. My husband died in 2011, and now I’m a widow on disability, no family, and live with an abusive son who has isolated me in a filthy home where he ignores chores. I really don’t know what to do. When he bashed in my bedroom door in June, I thought police would remove him. Other times I thought they would help me, but even though I own the home, my son can refuse to move at age 20! They said I could try to get an eviction notice through a court, but then he would be more dangerous during the 30 days after it’s served… I can’t handle the stress and my son drives up my blood pressure. He’s driven away many people from from my life too…
Sharon Dee
June 27th, 2015 at 1:33 AM
I have four children with SMI. There is little help for me in dealing with them. The government refuses to allow them to have SSDI, and makes them appeal their case, which can take five or more years…in the mean time, I am the sole support of my 41 year old son. My daughter who lives with me and my son, is working full time, but has personality issues which can be very stressful. There is a lot of talk about the problem of mental illness, but in reality, you are pretty much on your own. It would help if the government changed its policies of denying SSDI to everyone who applies. But then no one said that the government is helpful.

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Pam
June 27th, 2015 at 6:01 AM
I have a 33 year old son, who has bipolar and schizophrenia. He is emotionally 12 years of age. He lives with me because he is unable to live on his own. We have tried several times. Each time, he would stop taking his medication. Start using drugs, which always led to a psychotic episode. Each psychotic episode became progressively worse until he had to live with someone who would give him medications, be institutionalized or dead.
The longer he lives with me the angrier I stay. I have 6 things I expect him to do. Keep his room and bathroom clean. Walk the dogs. Take out the garbage. Keep the kitchen clean. Take his medication. The only thing he does is take his mediation because I hand it to him twice a day.
I remind him to do the the things I expect. The answer I receive is later. Remind him again and the answer I get is stop telling him what to do. This cycle continues.
At first my anger would come and go. Now, I am angry with him all the time. I don’t know what to do. I know if he lives on his own, he won’t make it. I also know that he uses this against me.
I want the two of to be able to live in the same house with out all the anger. I really need help.

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susan s
August 3rd, 2015 at 3:56 PM
I replied to someone above but i understand you exactly. My daughter is 22 and we only ask her to clean the kitchen & take out the trash. Always “later!” screamed at me. The anger is eating me alive but she can’t take care of herself either. She even admitted to one of her doctors that she uses suicide threats to manipulate me.

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MJ
July 4th, 2015 at 5:40 PM
I am the mother of a 29 yr old male, who has Asperger’s , is Bipolar,and has Type1 Diabetes. His father is Bipolar and is a Borderline. My son has to live with me to survive. His father is out of state, and we have been separated for almost 4 yrs. He supports us, but I am sandwiched between them. I am 53, and the stress from the two of them has damaged my health, severely. I have no family left, and have no social life. People do not understand my stress.
My son was diagnosed with Diabetes at 7, and he does not take care of himself. He was arrested for stealing at his job, and almost again for shoplifting. He gets very little Social Security. You know the drill. He is a genius, but cannot function in society, and his age group has fallen through the cracks with help in the Aspberger’s dept. The Bipolar cycles are all over the map, and they have him on max meds.
My heart goes out to everyone here. I just need to know that I am, also, not alone.

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susan s
August 3rd, 2015 at 3:52 PM
I read a lot of the other comments but yours is the one i relate to most. My daughter is 22, diagnosed with severe aspergers, bipolar II, major depression, and now conversion disorder that causes seizures. i could handle her if she was only sick but she is continually angry and argumentative. She has never been able to keep a job more than a couple of weeks, she has been in 4 mental hospitals but actually thrown out of one for being disruptive. We are going broke paying for everything…trying to get her disability now. She fights when we ask her to clean around the house. But the worst thing is that my husband has mild aspergers. He gets along fine in life but together they are like fire and gasoline. the stress i feel is killing me. I have no life, no peace, and i live in fearful waiting of the next blow up where i have to physically get between them. Many people say “kick her out”, but you other parents of mentally ill children know what that feels like. They can’t take care of themselves and no one else will. I don’t know what to do.

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Jenny
August 14th, 2015 at 4:21 AM
My husband and I are beginning this journey with our 23 year old son. He has always struggled with mild learning and social disorders, but was diagnosed with T1 diabetes before his senior year of high school and does not manage it at all. Within the last few months he has become depressed about his future with this disease and decided he will live like he doesn’t have it. Big problem as the diabetes will eventually (slowly and painfully) disable him. We were able to convince him to seek counseling, but after an intense and hopeful week long program, he is back to work a crappy job and see someone weekly and we are seeing the same patterns arise. This week he was involved in an auto accident which hurt no one physically(thank God) but emotionally has sent him back to square one. It seems his eyesight (already low due to a birth defect) has been compromised because of the diabetes rendering him unable to drive. His dad and I are heartbroken and scared. His future and ours looks dark. I know by reading this forum that we are not alone, but we definitely feel like we are. How do we help AND deal with the guilt we feel for being angry he refuses to take care of himself?

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Laurie
July 6th, 2015 at 1:34 PM
Have a 20 year-old with psychiatric disorder who’s father for many years convinced her to stop meds. He also told her that I am a bad mother. She stopped the meds and became revengful because “I” had taken her to the hospital when she was small, she didn’t make it home until fifth grade. She is revengeful for having had to take meds, she became very violent and has horrific OCD known as an obsessive disorder which is brought on by fears. She refuses any help and is ruining the home. Her father read about her psychiatric disorder finally very recently and finally understands but it an abusive man.

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Billie
July 7th, 2015 at 9:24 PM
Hello, I’m new here, I’m bipolar.I’m 38 year old and I live with my Mother & step-Father. I originally came to this website to bitch about my Mother, instead I read all the things I am probably doing that pisses her off, take care everyone! Believe me, I feel ur exact pain;)

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Andrea
July 7th, 2015 at 9:44 PM
We, my husband and I are just beginning this heartbreaking journey with my 21 year old baby boy. Listening to all of your struggles it quite honestly frightens me that this is going to be a very long road. Although my son is going to therapy and on medication, which at times he does not take, he sits home and watches t.v. all day which gives him nothing but time to think and that’s not a good thing as we have found a few times we’ve come home and found he has been drinking and then begins to cry, that tears at our hearts. He talks about how we did nothing, that we just stopped caring. Trying to explain that we had no idea is nothing he wants to hear. I do feel guilty because we were and still are very overprotective parents and the fact , as he states that he was a teenager at home while dances and football games were going on and we didn’t think anything of it, to us it was relief because he was home and not out in harms way so no we didn’t question it but looking back now I feel like we were some of the cause for his depression. Although the therapist tell us not to feel that way. I look at him and just want him to be happy, to enjoy whatever he wants in life he is such a bright boy and it hurts so much to see him like this. I will pray for all of you. Stay strong and supportive for your babies.

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Kelley
October 21st, 2015 at 6:21 AM
A few days ago, I gave my son an ultimatum, either agree to see a doctor, or leave. He packed two bags, and left in shorts and flip,flops. It was freezing outside. He was gone for 5 hours. We called police and we were all out looking for him. He finally returned at 3 am, we called police to come back, they determined he was not well, but refused to take him to a hospital. They suggested next time he is manic, to call an ambulance instead, or evict him. I can’t seem to do the eviction tho. He literally has no where to go, no money, no friends. He isn’t a threat to himself or others, just seems content to spend every waking moment up in his room. If I ask him to help me around the house, he does so. He is just a shell of himself, and it makes me so very sad. I wish there were doctors who,could come to my house, as he wont leave mine, even to get a haircut. I sometimes think the successful microbiologist i raised was a fake, and this is my real son. NAMI meetings were no help, as the other parents in my situation were just as frustrated and no one could offer any advice. My only alternative is to call an ambulance to come here next time he gets manic, but I’m so sick of hitting a brick wall. I’ve probably called police 5-6 times and no one does anything. If my son thinks he killed Osama bin laden, isn’t that a threat to me to have someone living with me who thinks that way? I just don’t understand the system at all.

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Diane S.
July 9th, 2015 at 3:08 PM
This was a Godsend to find this site today. I have a 40 year old daughter with bipolar, borderline personality disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, ADD, and severe anxiety. She is also medication resistant. She currently has been living in a residential care facility owned by her psychiatrist. She is currently getting ECT treatments but wants to stop. I go to court on August 17 for legal guardianship. Did I mention she also has a learning disability! I found you today because I Googled “can mothers of an adult with mental illness experience post traumatic stress disorder. YES WE DO. I love my daughter dearly, but it is overwhelming to deal with her. I hope this new rcf can take some of the burden off me. She’s been in the hospital 2 times in the past year..each time for a month. Dr did genetic testing on her to see how she metabolizes her meds, but don’t have the results yet. My heart goes out to all of us….I’ve raised my daughter by myself, having been widowed since she was 7 months old. Thanks for letting me talk. Diane

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Sally
July 11th, 2015 at 9:43 PM
Dear Diane,

Yes, this is so difficult! We are all so alone in trying to deal with this. We are not able to live the life we would have liked to. I guess we all need to look at the whole situation differently and truly carve out some space for ourselves. God help us all.

Sally

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shanon
November 9th, 2016 at 9:10 PM
I need help, the state has my 23 year lod son , and they put him in sedilla mo he wants to live in a transitional housing in joplin mo.were we live. Right now I cant even see him.until the guardian hearing bec 14.. Its been two months and we both cry the whole time we talk because he wants to see me and I want to see him.I cant afford a attorney and who can I get to be a guardian its just him and I . Please help if u have any ideas. Please help us. I loveI my son and please I dont want him.a ward of the state.

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Deidra
November 11th, 2016 at 11:47 AM
Shanon. I have guardianship over my 24 yr old sons health matters. I can have him hospitalized against his will if I need to and it helps with handling all the insurance/ medical bills so I can talk to them and know whats going on when he is hospitalized I have access to his records, etc. All I did was go to the municipal court, fill out paperwork for guardianship and had a short hearing and boom ! got it done. It was a quick process the court had someone go to the hospital interview him determine that he could not care for himself . Don’t be afraid of representing yourself in court. You have nothing to lose.
Anne W.
July 10th, 2015 at 12:49 PM
I tried leaving a post, but perhaps my last name shouldn’t have been on it… There is a “diagnosis” for everything now, and it’s messing up lives. After going through an abusive childhood, I’d found my dream husband, but after getting a lupus-related disorder, my husband got cancer(those diagnoses are real, at least). During the 9 years I became care-giver, our son became more and more selfish and rebellious ( though they called it “oppositional defiant disorder”or ODD, though it should be called what it is–nasty).Now I’m a widow in my early 50’s on disability and I can’t just ask my son to leave my house! Even though he has no claim to my house, it’s his “residence,” and a lot of police won’t do anything even though he was arrested as a juvenile for attacking me. They say I can go to court to get him evicted, but that is too much for my health and will make him more dangerous. He’s 20 and still doesn’t drive or do daily chores.despite promising everyone I got to help that he would, plus the MST team assigned to his last arrest. Multi System Therapy finally said he didn’t comply so he should move out. Yet when he refused their offer of a free appartment, they did nothing to take him. Even when he last bashed in my bedroom door, police didn’t take him. I don’t know what to do anymore! I love him, but he doesn’t let me live my life and I’ve been a prisoner in my home since my husband was on hospice and died 41/2 years ago…Has this country gone nuts? He can just refuse because it’s his “residence” that he’s been getting mail at?

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Julia
August 25th, 2015 at 2:36 PM
If he is 20 you are legally allowed to just change the locks when he goes out and refuse to allow him in the house, as long as it is only in your name. Yes I understand this is hard for you to do as he is your son, but there comes a time when our children need to be responsible for their own actions

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BettyB
July 11th, 2015 at 5:33 AM
My 30-year-old bipolar son lives at home. He ranges from hostile and rude to downright overbearing and clingy. He’s manipulative and controlling. One of the things that bothers me the most about him living here is the noise he makes. I’m a writer and graphical artist, and I work from my home. I need quiet so that I can concentrate. I also have severe noise intolerance. Noise makes me anxious. He comes in and doesn’t care that I’m working or that he’s disturbing me. He starts loudly calling for the dogs and playing with them. He hums and whistles, bangs doors, clangs pots, and rustles bags. He marches around the room repeatedly and won’t stand still. If I’m watching a movie, he loudly repeats what the characters are saying or makes loud comments about the film. If I’m having a conversation with someone else, he frequently cuts in on a topic that he knows nothing about.

Right now, I’m in a high traffic area of the house as my dog is recovering from ortho surgery, but even if I was working upstairs in my office, he’d do the same things. Sometimes, he’d barge in, take a seat, and hijack my office, forcing me to have a conversation with him even if I’m busy or trying to meet a deadline. In fact, if he knows I’m under pressure, he’ll be all the worse.

I believe he’s doing this on purpose. He seems to feel that I should drop everything and cater to him, that my whole life should revolve around him, but it shouldn’t now as he’s an adult. I’m so tired of it, and I guess I just needed to vent. I don’t know what to do or how to get him to move out. He does have a job and makes good money.

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Linda
August 5th, 2015 at 4:39 AM
Wow! I Am living your life in a lot of ways. I feel trapped like I’ve been kidnapped by my adult son. I feel helpless most of the time & wonder if I even love my son. I went to a counselor to see what advice he had to help me with my son. He said first you need help so you can be strong enough to help him. Never thought about that in those terms! He said I had major depression. I function ok but I am spent emotionally. At least your son has a job! I am doubtful that my son could ever hold down a job. I,guess I too needed to vent.

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susan s
August 7th, 2015 at 12:35 PM
It makes me cry to read your words because i understand well. I went to a counselor to see what i could do to help my daughter and she told me that my depression was so bad that i could apply for disability. I love my child but i don’t like her. It tears you in half to watch them hurt & not understand but at the same time you want to run far away from them to keep them from hurting you anymore.
sherie h.
September 11th, 2015 at 9:52 PM
Hi Linda , I don’t think my sons capable of holding down a job either , I am .. I work three waking nights at the weekend , two cleaning jobs during the week and two pet walking jobs !! Because I have to subsadise his living and simply because the uk government have cut all benefits … Sometimes I’m so tired , I’ve taken an allotment so I can grow my own veggies and I ask him to work on it for the money I give him .
Diane
July 20th, 2015 at 3:12 PM
I just stumbled upon these comments looking for a forum for parents of mentally ill adults. My 26 year old granddaughter who lives with me whose mother is deceased and father unknown has been having mental health issues for the past 6 months. Two ER visits without meeting the criteria for psychiatric hospital admission. She’s becoming very reclusive now and paranoid along with extreme anxiety. It’s heartbreaking to watch. She left her job, has no income, no health insurance and cannot pay her bills. Just seems to continually spiral downward. I am a retired teacher on a very fixed retirement income and cannot afford to carry her financially. I can’t even envision the future for either of us. I make it a priority to put myself first as much as I can with my morning walks, after swims and daily meditation class. It all helps, but even so it’s so difficult.
It helps to know that so many of you understand how I feel. Very few of my friends or family can relate.

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Ruth
July 26th, 2015 at 4:17 PM
I live in the UK so I guess the system works differently over in the U.S. We had very similar problems with my 22 year old son and carried him for 2 years without any income after he dropped out of college. His mental health detetiorated so much that he stopped performing basic daily tasks such as washing, changing, shaving and even struggled to eat one meal per day. He developed severe OCD and spent all day performing rituals instead. It got to the point were he was stick thin and would not go out the house and had started urinating on the floor and sofa. I too could not see a future for me and my partner as he wolf not engage in therapy and there was no way that he would ever move out or be able to live independently. The constant stress and worry was too much to bear and I felt that the only option was to move out of my own home. In the end that’s what happened. We moved house and refused to take him with us. He now lives in a care home and is receiving the help he needs. There is a big hole in UK government services for people with mental health issues who are not severe enough to be admitted and are too ill to receive care in the community.

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Sally
August 18th, 2015 at 11:45 PM
Ruth,

It is do difficult and sad. The system is broken everywhere. Here in the U S we have a zillion programs that do not work to help them especially if they are severe. They find every loophole to get out of doing anything. My daughter has been hospitalized over 50 times in 15 years. For the last 15 months, has been hospitalized every month. I am currently still going through this. She was also hit but a car. Two weeks later she was in jail for 2 days gor trespassing and they released her. It is do hard to get an LPS Conservatotship. It is not right. So sick of it all.
Sarah
July 28th, 2015 at 5:32 PM
My husband & i are caring for
Our mentally & physically
Handicapped 34 year old daughter. She has had seizures since 8 months of age. They are fairly controlled by her medication at this time. She works 6 hours each weekday at a workshop. She had a boyfriend & was treated badly. She blames us for trying to
Control her life. We cannot trust her around men. She is very friendly & is easily a target for a sicko. We are on a program which we get a sitter. Right now we are having trouble finding someone because of her behavior. She is verbally abusive to us & is manipulating. We are close to the end of our rope.

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Darla
August 5th, 2015 at 10:15 AM
My family has suffered 8 years of hell, just push rewind and play over and over. We set boundaries,
but sometimes are left defenseless when caught up in exhaustion- moving furniture and belongings for 3 days for carpet installation, , bad timing -middle of night , etc…. Our son came to our home
last night and threatened to “go to jail ” if we didn’t buy him cigarettes. He lives out of town, drove here on fumes. My husband went alone with him and in my son’s car and bought him a case of
cigarettes and gas. Almost repeat of same scenario before except this time our son brought him
home promptly. Yes, my husband did not feel he could follow our crisis plan due to fear of present
potential danger. We now have to figure out what to do. Figure we have a week, cigarettes will be gone then. He had been doing better . Recently got off trazodone. Non-compliant on meds and
counseling.

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Caroline
August 10th, 2015 at 7:53 AM
I have no answers. My son is 37 and has had problems all his life, developmental problems, intellectual difficulties, lying stealing, failing at school, manipulation, estrangement from his siblings, my marriage breakdown, his homelessness, alcoholism, revengefulness, abuse, debt, and refusal to help me with anything around the house. He spends his day conniving and plotting on how to swindle people out of money, I am sick and tired of people knocking on my door looking for him as he owes them money. He won’t take medication because that will affect his ability to drink alcohol. Lately I have switched off I have had to for my own sanity, I wish he would get out of my house, I am tired of being his whipping post, I have no life of my own, I injured my back as an aged carer, work I was doing to support us because he can’t hold down a job. Actually he did work for 3 months, hurt his back and sued the company, gaining $135,000 which he spent on prostitutes and booze in a 3 month period. He gets disability support pension, the same as I do. I don’t care what people think of me, walk a mile in my shoes and see how you feel. I think I will have to move house and not tell him where I am going, yes I know he has a mental illness, but he refuses to get help, he uses it to manipulate people and gain sympathy. I have sought help here in Australia, I was told “oh you poor thing, it’s hard isn’t it”. Mental Health has become a HUGE problem worldwide, as I have read most of the blog, at least in the USA you have organisations to turn to.
His father does not help, he doesn’t want to know about this son, he only likes the other son who has made a success of his life mostly thanks to me putting him through university financially, and our daughter who has 2 great kids. But the 37 year old is my problem, even though he would love to have a relationship with his father it will never happen.

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wendy
August 10th, 2015 at 9:33 PM
Sooo grateful I happened to find all of you….I was “googling” how to cope with the stress of having a grown son with a character disorder +mood disorder+ + yes it feels very isolating…I am now estranged…he is 39…broke off contact with him in 2010…too many crises to mention….affected my health, finances and mental health…Al Anon helped …some of the tools were useful….but in the end having to live with “chronic grief”….my situation is NOT going to improve vs a vis my son…..anyway…agreed to try to repair relationship last winter….and the emotional and financial “abuse” started again…so I decided I cannot have a relationship with him for now…will post again just finding folks who share this “impossible” situation is comforting

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Sally
August 15th, 2015 at 12:50 AM
Dear Wendy,
Thank you for your post. Yes, there is nothing that can fully describe our overwhelming feeling of sadness and being powerless with this. It is very difficult to get away from it. I feel we are all living less of a life than what we envisioned for ourselves. The sooner we take back our own life the better we will be. They are tormented far more than we are. None the less, we deserve to live our live and divest ourselves of this sadness as much as possible. Take care and hope to hear from you again soon.

Sally

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Andrea
August 15th, 2015 at 4:49 AM
I hear you Wendy…my son is 30…I haven’t seen him in 3 years and I hear he’s homeless…it’s heartbreaking…I don’t know how I
‘m coping…friends/fam are powerless also…if we ever needed a time when we could be able to commit a person until they stabilized, it’s now…

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Sally
August 19th, 2015 at 12:35 AM
Andrea,

We need to see major change in getting those with severe illness committed/conserved. They have too many rights and no one wants to address this problem and establish decent long term housing facilities that can contain them, as they get worse. They need controlled decent environments with jobs onsite. Something they can do and get paid for. Parents who are doing all this caretaking and are being financially drained need to be compensated too. No one can stay focused on the job with everything this takes to deal with. Talk more later. Sally
renee
December 26th, 2015 at 4:59 PM
This is exactly what I commented on earlier today. The mentally ill have way too many rights. They are not competent even on their meds. The only reason they can function is if they are taking their medication. The laws suck for the families involved. Mental health is just brushed under the rug. But in America we are so quick to help everyone else but not our own mentally ill and homeless first. I’m so disappointed.
Maddie
August 15th, 2015 at 5:05 AM
thanks to all who contribute and share their pain and feelings. I feel such relief to have found a group of people who understand and it makes me feel less alone.
Stay strong together

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wendy
August 15th, 2015 at 4:08 PM
thank you for support and comments…this site is a “treasure”….who knew we would land on a page re: an academic
study and find each other….
meant to be

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Shel
August 16th, 2015 at 10:26 AM
hi there ,
Like many of you on here my ex husband and I have been struggling with my sons mental health for years now!!! But I find that we seem to stumble from one saga to another never quite knowing how we got there..
My son is now an adult and has been quite bad over the years scitzophrenia brought on by ..yes you guessed it cannibis or skunk as they call it.
We’ve got to a point where he is living alone..drives his own car and pays his own bills, and has been determined to get down on his meds..which he has , 2.5 miles alanzapene every other day , and he was rewarded by the government cutting his benefits before he could get on his feet and find a job.
He is about to go back up on his meds a little because of the stress brought on by interviews that he’s not quite equipped for yet! .. He is in the gym every single day.
Has anyone got any idea how I can help find him a job. ???? He is with a trust doing voluntary work twice a week and they’ve had no luck either.

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Ellie
August 17th, 2015 at 9:22 AM
After reading countless and countless stories all very much the same. I search and search for hope but never find anything but the same heart breaking stories that mirrors my own. I should stop reading these stories because they just make me feel worse. I am angry because there is no help!!
My son is 22 and I have no hope at all. Countless institutions, medications, doctors, work programs, therapy and so on. He’s too normal for ssi.haha. and too different to hold a job or take care of himself. So I get the joyous job of living in fear and hell supporting my son that will never amount to anything or do anything with his life. All he does is consume everyone else with his whims, meltdowns, and fits. I am so sick and tired I just don’t think it is worth it. I have to roll my eyes at those that tell me to give him consequences, right…because they work so well and he listen so well. Yes, I took away his Xbox and he broke my TV. I came home to every window in my house broken. I got beaten and left with a concussion because I made him mad. I got cussed out at 8 this morning because I asked him to turn down his guitar amp. I have to stay in a relationship I don’t want to be in because otherwise I am scared my son will beat me again or kill me. Oh yeah I should call the police. Haha. I have had every cop in my county call to my home and half of the cops in the next county over. I left my last house Due to the massive humiliation of having the cops out to my house every other day. I nearly lost everything including my mind over the years. I could go on and on. I think death would be easier.

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Centrina
August 18th, 2015 at 7:45 AM
good morning

My heart goes out to you Ellie. Please do not give up hope. Try to find the beauty in life. Go outside feel the fresh air look at nature. Do things that make you happy.
I to have a son 22 who is going thru in and out of the hospital one moment happy next voices take over get angery and punch the wall screaming yelling. He really makes me fear for my safety. I have to walk on egg shells around him. No one seems to help him. No job no school and no girl friend. His only joy is the Xbox. It’s hard for me every day seeing him my little boy suffer so much. All I do is try to stay as positive as possible that one day things will be better. I go for walks in the park with my little pug and watch nature. The birds, bees, the wind and trees. Fresh air away from all the pain. Yes I too have had cops come and hurt him to get him in the hospital. Life is not fair but I know it is a lessen for me to learn. Wishing you all the best, Centrina

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susan s
August 18th, 2015 at 11:44 AM
I understand too. My daughter is 22, been in and out of hospitals and even jail twice. It makes me cry to think those were the only peaceful times i had in my life in the last 7 years. We are walking on eggshells too and its stressed us so bad that now i’ve started having panic attacks and majir depression. we are waiting to see if she qualifies for ssi. If not, i don’t know what will happen because she is killing us living here. I feel like we are being held hostage. People say “throw her out” but you know these kids can’t make it on their own. I feel i am torn between choosing whether she lives or whether i do. i already don’t have a life anymore. My husband and i want peace more than anything as we grow older and we can’t even leave her alone for a weekend.

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Centrina
August 19th, 2015 at 6:22 AM
Good morning,
I have a very long history of mental illness in my life. Both of my parents were in the military and both developed different mental issues when they got out.
My father OCD and very abusive physical and mental and my mother Schizophirenia. My mother is still living 100% disabled in a home. For two years I tried to take care of her but her illness got so bad it was more then I could handle. My son was straight A student and a collage scholarship to Stanford in the 11th grade. Then had his heart broken by a girl. He was very sad and anxious which the doctor decided he need meds. Now if I knew now what was going to happen I would have never ever gone to that doctor. But we followed the doctors advice and next thing we know he is hitting his head against the wall screaming in pain. Getting violent towards his younger brother and sister. We could do nothing but call the police. I thought I was going to die inside watching my son being taken away by the cops he was only 17. Now six years later and he will be 23 in Sept. He is home with us after two months in the hospital. And still the doctor have not found a med that is right. Even taking his meds he is one minute happy next mad next crying next talking to the voices next thinking we are going in his room taking his things. Both my husband and I are working full time and at times he is alone in the house. We have gone thru were my husband blames me my genes for our sons condition. We have had ups and real lows in our relationship. But have not given up hope. Right before he got out of the hospital we spent one day at Lake Tahoe Ca on the MS Dixie boat. So romantic and relaxing which made up for all the pain we have had over the years.
Please no matter what moments matter tiny moments with a look or a smile. If anything I have learned to be strong through all of this mental illness and go outside away from cell phones, TV, and people and just sit and see nature. Life goes by so quickly and we must cherish the good things in life. Even when things are so very bad I see good in My son.
I wish for everyone to feel peace and find the joy out of life. Do something that makes you laugh be silly what ever it takes to live.
All my best Centrina
renee
November 14th, 2015 at 10:58 PM
amen god is good!
Kelley
September 22nd, 2015 at 6:28 AM
I have a similar situation with my 31 year old son. It’s like being held hostage in my own house. Miss piece and quiet. Just wondered if your situation has gotten any better
shel
September 25th, 2015 at 9:59 PM
The absolute worst thing with all of this is that your so alone with it all !!.
My ex is going away for a week with my daughter for a break and then after he comes back or maybe even just before my so should be levelled out , I’m praying that he will make it this time, he’s come down off of the meds so slowly and still does the gym every evening … This is all such a struggle.
His temper is starting to flare a little now and again but on the two occasions that he’s tried o come off before he was much worse .
So I’m still waiting o see if it’s going to work .. I have two allotments a d he helps me on both … He also goes to his volountary work still twice a week , they haven’t helped by moving him on to another place further away … More petrol money.
So fingers crossed.
Sally
August 19th, 2015 at 12:23 AM
Dear Ellie,

You are telling the complete and utter truth about this. I tend to feel and talk the same way you do. It is a road to no where.The illness gets worse and we become ill as well. I don’t sugarcoat it either. But trying to develop some faith to deal with this and other things.
We have to get unstuck.

Talk again soon.

Sally

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Diane
August 18th, 2015 at 10:04 AM
I agree with Centrina that being out in nature helps enormously. I walk and swim every day outdoors. I also find learning to meditate has been a great stress reliever. I try to meditate every day if only for a short time. Our lives are so caught up in the unpredictable never knowing what will happen next that good care for ourselves is vital.

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Rose
August 20th, 2015 at 12:57 PM
I have a 36 yr old daughter that finally left her abusive husband she stayed with because of being depressed, anxiety, & bipolar. She has a job but these keep her from going to work so she is on fmla a lot. She moved in with me as a temporary thing till she found an apartment. I don’t see how she will be able to live on her own. She has tried to work several times but ends up leaving because she can’t cope. I’m 62 and recently on disability because of being a passenger in a mva. So I can’t afford to help her. I’ve already helped her as much as I can. She can be nice, but try to talk with her about anything serious and she becomes verbaly violent and can destroy things. I made it clear she could not live here if she destoyed anything so it’s only verbal for now. It is still hard. I have to walk on eggshells. Shes been here 4 months and all she does is stay in her room and sleep and watch tv. She also has diabetes but won’t eat right. Never feels good enough to help with anything. But seems fine to go do things with friends. I’m alone so I’m afraid to set her off by talking to her because of past experiences. When I ask for help it’s always tomorrow or next time. I also have lupus and heart problems so I’m slowed down, but don’t let them stop me. The stress is getting to me. I think I’m getting depressed. I own my home and had it fixed up nice and it’s a mess now. I don’t see how she will be able to live on her own. I love her but want my peaceful, clean home back. Sometimes I feel guilty I hate having her here but I enjoyed living alone. She gets up all hours because of sleep problems so I’m not getting needed sleep. I feel like at my age its time to enjoy my life not have to take care of her. I won’t put her out on the street, but I’m concerned about my own health. I’ve asked her to apply for financial help and housing but she refuses. She just keeps saying she’s going back to work on… but it doesn’t happen. It is hard enough for me to adjust to not being able to work now and the loss of my income. I can’t afford to go to a counselor and there are no support groups in the area. I’m glad to find you. To bad we can’t all meet somewhere and have a break with others who understand. What happened to f2f support groups?

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Shell
August 20th, 2015 at 2:57 PM
It is a shame that we can’t all meet up rose, but I bet we are all over the world…I’m in England , Great Britain.
The whole thing with mental health is a struggle, but recently my ex husband said to me that he feels that my son leans on his mental illness to get things ..eg money .
And that it is part of his personality to be nasty.
I’m not sure .

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Centrina
August 21st, 2015 at 5:55 AM
Good morning
I would love to meet up if anyone lives in the Bay Area North Ca

Rose your life means so much and please try to do what ever you can to reduce the stress. I have found for me when things are really bad I do projects out doors in the sun. To keep my mind off my son and the issues and keep busy. Last night just finished ripping up grass for a walk way that I’m doing in my yard. Everyone has different things they like to do. I can not get my son to do anything for himself. So I try not to focus on what he does not do but on what he is doing. At least for now he is taking his meds.
Thank you for this website really is helping me not feel so alone.
Wishing everyone peace
Best regards Centrina

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Rose
September 15th, 2015 at 9:04 PM
Centrina,
Thank you for your kind encouraging words. I haven’t been on for a while as I find it difficult to use this site on my phone. It’s my only internet access. I’ve tried to respond to someone many times only to lose what I typed. I miss having a computer.
I’m from S.W. Idaho so not to far from you. I think it would be great if we could all meet for a healing cruise retreat. It would be wonderful huh.
Back to reality. I’m struggling with balancing what I should or shouldn’t say to my daughter (36). It is hard sometimes with the stress building and bills pilling up and wanting to say “grow up and be responsible” when they have a good job but aren’t able to get up and go to work. And knowing I am financially sinking deeper and can not help. I sometimes want to yell “you are an adult act like one”. But know it won’t help anything because she can’t. In fact it might send her into a deeper depression. Or even worse she could manic. So then the decision of what I can tell her in order to be honest and let her know I will not take care of her but will emotionally support her to help her become stronger. I want her to know she has to be willing to do her part to get better too. It is hard to know if it is her mental illness, or if she just doesn’t want to get up.
I’m thankful to find this place where others understand..
Rose
Kelley
September 3rd, 2015 at 7:36 PM
My 31 year old microbiologist son was diagnosed 2 years ago with schizoaffective disorder with manic behavior. He has lost yet another job, and now lives with me, but won’t leave the house. I can’t get him to a doctor, it’s a fight every time I even try to talk to him. He has delusions of grand proportions but when I confront him, he has no proof. Im at my last rope and no mental health facility will help because he’s not suicidal or homicidal. I can’t even talk to him on a regular basis because he thinks I’m out to get him, as well as my family. I have nowhere else to turn. He sits in his room and vegetates, and it’s heartbreaking. Does anyone have any advice?

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shel
September 22nd, 2015 at 10:08 AM
It’s been a fortnight since he has stopped taking Alanzapine , he’s come down slowly but not as slowly as I would like !! He’s told me that he doesn’t care if he ends up living on a bench he no longer wants medication .. So we’ve gone along with it.
So far so good .. I’ve been here before and ended up back at the start again .
So I think we will see how it goes for another two weeks.

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Diane
September 4th, 2015 at 4:36 AM
Kelley: have you contacted NAMI? They have a helpline that might be able to assist you. Also, my police department told me to call 911 and explain that you have a family member in your home experiencing a mental health crisis and the mental health crisis team would come out to my home. Additionally, search to see if your city has a psychiatric ER, My city does and it is open 24/7. They also have a crisis phone line.
My heart goes out to all of us living day to day, never knowing what each day will bring.

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Kelley
September 22nd, 2015 at 5:32 AM
nami has been no help. I’ve called 911 out to thr house, but they won’t take him because he’s not sick enough. They suggested I evict him, but as a mother, how can I do that, he has no money, no car and no job. He’s extremely intelligent and knows what his rights are so its hard to argue with him. I can’t take him to an er department because he won’t leave the house.

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sherilynn
September 11th, 2015 at 6:17 PM
All three of the tips you gave Tracy have been done by, I would guess, most of us. You just don’t get it. Can’t learn it in a book.

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Diane
September 16th, 2015 at 10:21 AM
Rose….I feel much the same as you. I have to bite my tongue sometimes so I won’t say the very words you mentioned. It’s so hard to keep on keeping on…especially financially when you have an adult child living with you who does not contribute. My 26 year old has so many back medical bills that even though she is working again, her bills take every paycheck. I do not help her financially, just provide a room and some food. It’s such a Catch 22 that we are all in.

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JRC
September 16th, 2015 at 2:15 PM
I am a 61 years old mother in a bit of a unique situation with my 38 year old married daughter. She and her husband live just a few houses away from me. They have a 10 year old son. My daughter initially began having mental health issues after the birth of her son. Since the birth of her child, she has been under the care of various psychiatrists after being diagnosed with post partum depression which spiraled into major depression/anxiety. Over the past 10 years she has had 3 hospitalizations and has undergone 2 rounds of ECT after learning she suffers with treatment resistant depression. In spite of the treatment resistant depression, she remains on various anti depressants, anti anxiety medication and sleeping medication. I retired from my teaching position three years ago due to the seriousness of her condition, hoping I would be able to help her find the right treatment plan. Sadly, that has not happened. She is getting worse. Her marriage does not appear to be healthy or happy, although her husband has a very good job and financially supports her. My grandson, an only child, has had to grow up too fast, due to his mother’s illness and lack of interest in him and his well being. She spends the majority of her days in bed. I’m constantly being asked to help with the care of my grandchild, household chores, grocery shopping, meals, laundry, etc. because my daughter is basically a non functioning individual. I’m exhausted, heartbroken, weary and feel powerless. My husband is unable to cope with this situation and has basically distanced himself from it as well as my married son (healthy) who lives out of state and another married daughter (healthy) who lives nearby. My daughter’s mental illness has destroyed our once intact family unit because when she is around, it is unpleasant as she just sits and appears to be a shell with nothing to offer. The mental health system in our country is broken and it not only destroys the individual suffering, but the negative impact it has on a family unit is beyond heartbreaking. I’ve sought counseling but did not find it very helpful. The last counselor’s final words to me were, “you need to begin distancing yourself from your daughter because her mental health situation will unlikely not have a happy ending.” This is obviously something I did not want to hear.

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sherilynn
September 16th, 2015 at 3:16 PM
JRC: I am so sorry for your situation, especially when your grandchild is involved. I don’t have answers; I just now found this site myself. My story is very compelling as well. I am almost 69 years old (in Jan) and had my only child at age 40. I was married for 27 years to her father. She had many many health issues and mental health issues throughout her life even tho we could not get help for the mental health issues. She is now 28 living with me and sinking further and further into the abyss. Her father walked out on us four years ago to be with another woman and he left me helpless as he took all of our money. It has been a nightmare. My dtr has a serious auto-immune disorder, psoriasis, covering 95% of her body, in remission now, and then turned to alcohol. She also developed grand mal seizures; depression; anxiety and panic attacks. She cannot deal with her father’s abandonment (he has moved to France) and I have been dealing with divorce and settlement for 4 years. She is violent when she drinks even against me. It is all such a nightmare. I have struggled to support her and take care of her. I love her very very much. We are just now being accepted into a smaller town home so we can get out of this large family home after all these 4 years. My dtr finally got into a good psychiatrist and we are seeing a neurologist about her seizures. (So much more in between.)
I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain and suffering. We love our children no matter how old they are and I will never abandon or leave my dtr. no matter how much I suffer. I just want her to be well and get on with her life. I am sure you feel the same way. The medications all come with side effects; in my dtr’s case, she has to have seizure medication which has caused her weight to plummet to 88 lbs. It is very hard at this late stage of life to deal with these devastating mental health issues. The only thing I can suggest for you is to keep your head and chin up high and we both have to accept what is. Find an outside source of comfort for yourself – girlfriends, luncheons, shopping, painting, coffees; whatever. I even go to movies by myself just to get out of my head for a bit. (Usually a comedy!) Yes, the mental health system is EXTREMELY Broken in this country! They took my dtr to a “behavioral health center” (mental health hospital) and it was bar none ridiculous!
Good luck to you! I will look for more posts from you. My heart feels your pain and suffering.

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Centrina
September 16th, 2015 at 3:51 PM
Well here it goes again
My now 23 year old son had to be hand cuffed by the police and taken to the hospital today. Just six days ago he was doing so well. Started working again taking meds with no fight with me. Seemed so happy and balanced. Then as each day passed he started again being Angry, happy, sad, back to anger. Destruction where ever he went to his room and his cell phone not working anywhere. Today he spent an hour hitting his head against the wall and laughing. When he would look at me it was very scary
like it was someone else not my son.

I have a friend ThunderBeat.com
who suggested to try playing Chakra Journey Cd this has helped me today
It even made my home feel so peaceful.
Not sure it will help you all but it does not hurt to check out her web site

Wishing everyone peace and love from my heart
Centrina

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Rose
September 17th, 2015 at 11:45 AM
Centrina,
I’m so sorry to hear you got your hopes up that all was going well then have him start acting out again. I hate it when that happens. Its a never ending cycle. I am amazed we are able to keep it up some times. My heart goes out to you. I know that unrecognizable look. It brings tears to my eyes just to remember it. Hopefully you’ll get a break while he is there to do something just for yourself. You’ll be in my thoughts. Rose

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Rose
September 17th, 2015 at 10:25 AM
I have finally finished reading all the posts this morning. It saddens me that there are so many of us all over the world in so much pain stuggling to do what is best for our loved ones. And that there is so little help. I wish I had the money to start a retreat for all of you to get away for free for a break. There is so much sacrifice going on because of the love for our ill ones. There were very few posts that mentioned us caring for ourselves so we can go on helping them. I wish I had answers, but I do know that it has made me think a lot about what I do or can begin to do for myself. With my own health problems I’m concerned about how my daughter will live when I’m worse or gone. So I want to take care of my needs too so I live as long as I can. Life is difficult but There has to be things that will help us survive all of this. This post is a good example of one way. Nami gave me some good information but around here anyway once the class was over no support.
I can’t afford counseling so I will have to get creative on my own. Before my accident I used to write a lot. Some people call it journaling. I have notebooks full of things I’ve written. Poems, silly stories about my life, angry rants or blessings. Thankfully no one else reads them. It is physically difficult to write very long now so it’s been a while. On my phone I am able to speak and it types for me. This morning I started writing again using that. There are programs for computers too. I can say/type things I feel and would never tell anyone else and put a password to lock it and it felt great. I also recently bought myself a coloring book and plan to take a few minutes alone regularly to work on that. I am choosing to stop caring if the house is messy and stop to play with my sweet little dog. She has given me so much love and helped me survive all this and I know she feels the stress too. I don’t have the money to go shopping, coffee, lunch, movies etc. But I can take my dog to the park on a picnic. I’ve spent my retirement money helping my daughter. Now on disability from the mva I’m having to learn to live very frugal. Thankfully my house payment is less than what rent would be. I love to garden so this year had to learn to downsize it to a few plants in pots. I have a large double lot yard and have let the extra lot go, spraying it so nothing grows there. Thankfully I live where I can do this. My lupus keeps me from much time in the sun but I still make sure I get a little. I would love to hear ideas from others.
Btw I also have a 46 yr old son who used to live with functional Aspergers like my ex until he was rear ended while stopped at a light by someone going 55 mph. He will never be ok again. He moved back and lived with me 4 yrs after that and sat in the rocking chair watching tv for hours every day. It was hard to to see my very intellegent son gone. He is now on ssdi living on his own and has a social worker checking on him. For some reason he has decided not to speak to me for 3+ years now. Every since he had a bad episode and was hospitalized not long after he moved out and called me for help. We were always close and spoke often before. I’ve had to let him go and put him in Gods hands because I could do nothing. Sometimes that is all we can do.
Please everyone find ways to do things for yourself. I’m starting to see we can’t help them if we don’t take care of ourselves. Love to you all. Rose

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shel
September 17th, 2015 at 11:41 AM
Hi rose , you sound like your struggling and my heart goes out to you.
Keep up with your mindfulness ,that’s what we call what your doing in England.
My son is off of all his meds now and is leveling out soon, calm before the storm or will it all work out for him!! It’s the not knowing that’s hard for us because the person he becomes isn’t nice.
I have taken on two allotments and he helps me and I pay him (arghh) the government have stopped paying him any benefits because he’s off of his meds.
In other words they’ve dropped him when he needs them.
His dad also employs him and he’s up the gym (mindfulness) every night.
Were all in a pickle but what your doing is working for you.
Keep it up .
X

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wendy
September 17th, 2015 at 5:57 PM
thank you ‘x’ for your kind words and support

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Sandra
September 22nd, 2015 at 9:59 PM
Coping:
1. If your adult child is abusive and dangerous, remove him or her from your home. You will worry. ‘What will happen to my child?” Well, they will find a way to survive, even if it means going to a shelter. Shelters have case managers, addiction specialists, etc. If your child is dangerous, removing them from your home is the direction you’re going in anyway. How long can you tolerate having things destroyed in your home, being punched, not knowing if you are going to be killed by your own child. Don’t let them come back. Don’t believe their story that they will stop the behavior. They can’t if they aren’t on medication. Does you child have a history of going on and off meds? If yes, keep them out of your home. If it will make you feel better, help them find a room to rent, etc. Help them pay for the rental.
2. Train your mind to stop worrying. As the song goes, “whatever will be will be. The future’s not ours to see, que sera, sera.” You always imagine the worst, and it doesn’t happen. Can you stop the worst from happening? Maybe this time, or the time after that, but what about all the times to come? You are wearing yourself out thinking like this. You know doggone well that there is always one crisis after the other. Try to live with the uncertainty. One suggestion, go to bed and get a good night’s sleep so you can wake up sane to go to function.
3. Stop giving away all of your money. Develop a budget to help your child. Maybe it’s $100 a month, or whatever you can afford. It’s really stressful when you give so much money to your child that you can’t pay your own bills.
4. If they’re homeless and don’t want to go to a shelter, don’t feel like you have to put them in a motel room every night. Too expensive. Say no.
5. Treat them like an adult. Don’t fuss over every little thing. Let them figure things out on their own. If they don’t have anything to eat, direct them to organizations that provide hot meals. Chat with them on the phone. Get off the phone when they become threatening. Don’t listen to that crap.
6. Incarceration. It’s a shame, but what can you do? Jail is a revolving door for some of our adult children. Actually, some parents say they only have peace of mind when their psychotic children are locked up or hospitalized. Don’t waste your nest egg on legal fees if you’re middle class. The lawyers we can afford are actually no better than a public defender. They all just try to get a plea deal. Few will work up the energy to mount an insanity defense. Be careful with bail.
7. Civil commitment. You could go to court to get a commitment for outpatient treatment. Be prepared for a backlash from the child, even an assault.
In conclusion, get your home back. Let your home be a sanctuary for you. Help your adult child from a distance. Stay in touch. Help when you can. Stop thinking the worst is always going to happen. Get some rest so you can function. Accept what is. You can’t make someone go into treatment if they don’t want to. Make a list of social services where your child can get food, clothes, the location of drop in services to do laundry, etc. Keep pushing them towards independence.
I have been there and done that, so that’s my advice.

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Dana
September 26th, 2015 at 11:51 AM
Sandra- thank you gor the encouragement. My 23 year old son is currently hospitalized and so mentally ill I dont know if he will ever be well . I wont go into detail. Im sure readers have their own horror story. No need to hear mine. But I need to keep reminding myself I not a horrible person for refusing to buy into his drama.

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shel
September 26th, 2015 at 2:38 PM
Hi Dana , it’s so hard not getting involved though !!! I looked at it with my son that as it was drugs that caused it I had no guilt !!! But I still had the need to get involved and try and get him well.
Scitzophrenia brought on by a fine selection of drugs , I’m still trying to help him but he does drag me down and blames us for just about everything that’s gone wrong in his life .
I think by reading these comments that we are luckier than most because he wants to get well and fights for it !!
We’ve decided to give him a few more months and then stop subsidising him so he gets out to work …. Fingers x
shel
September 26th, 2015 at 8:21 PM
Sandra , your so right !! But it’s so hard .
How can a mentally ill person find work to earn money if nobody will employ them ?

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Jackie
December 14th, 2015 at 2:01 PM
Sandra thank you so much for your sensibile advice. This is exactly what i am doing. It is the hardest thing i have ever done. Will it work out? I don’t know but i have tried everything else. Every comment i am reading is what my son and i have been through. The courts can force people to go to jail but won’t force our children to get the help they need. There must be a way. All of us shouldn’t have to go through so much trauma, our adult children and us deserve more.

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Deana
July 30th, 2016 at 12:43 PM
Perfectly said. I would also add “pray” to the list. Blessings to all.

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wendy
September 23rd, 2015 at 6:42 PM
SANDRA ….you said it all! I let go of rescueing my only son (today39) 5 years ago…I had a physical and mental meltdown gratefully I had accumulated several months of ‘sick leave and 1/2 pay” …long story…a support group helped me learn the tools of “detachment with love”….he called me last winter….I agreed to allow him back into my life….someone helped him access services but he was “starving” and almost homeless for a while…it was very painful for me to interact with him…..because he is very smart but mentally ill…..so he would go off into monologues….5 months into our ‘new relationship” he began asking me for money…experienced one crisis after another and called to be rescued ….and when I refused sent me scathing emails…full of contempt and insults….so again I have made the decision to break off the relationship…..its painful but I have to take care of myself..I am 67…and I did everything in my power to help him for 25 years.

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Diane
September 26th, 2015 at 1:59 PM
Shel, I agree about being so alone. My 26 year old has been relatively stable for the past few months, but today the paranoia has reared its head again. And now she believes her identity has been stolen and wants to involve the FBI. I’ve told her she needs to discuss this with her therapist and that I cannot be involved or talk to her about her disturbing thoughts. And that I cannot have these issues affect my surroundings. If it escalates, I will have to call the 911 crisis team for assistance. There never seems to be an end, does there?

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shel
September 26th, 2015 at 8:15 PM
Hi Diane , no there really doesn’t , do you live in America may I ask ??? , I’m wondering if your treatment over there is the same as ours in England ? Do you have to have your child sectioned and is it as hard as it is over here ? The doctors over here seem to try and help them to come down slowly off if there medication ? Do they do that over there. ? And the medication is it the same as over here ? My son Has Alanzapine !or he did until he stopped taking it recently ?? .. And are drugs a big cause of your daughters mental illness as it was my sons ? Sorry about the questioning .. And you really don’t have to answer but I’m curious ? X

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Diane
September 27th, 2015 at 2:23 PM
I am in Texas. She has not been diagnosed even after 2 ER visits this past summer. Apparently at the must recent ER medication was advised and she said No. She is working again, but with the paranoia escalating I think it won’t be long until she is unable to keep the job. I told her yesterday that her disturbed thinking cannot impact me or my surroundings and she needs to discuss this with her therapist. It seems unending as no professional has given a diagnosis and she has periods of being functional.
shel
October 2nd, 2015 at 7:06 PM
The periods of being functional and their ability to bring normality to the table when an doctor or specialist is questioning them seems to be the problem with most of them.
I’m in the stages of my son levelling out from slowly coming off of all of his meds and the FBI thing you spoke about was a similar thing that happened to me last time he came off …
Sue
September 27th, 2015 at 4:51 PM
I’m the parent of a 37 year old son who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 3 1/2 years ago. I am now a widow and my son moved in with me because his second marriage was failing. I would like to know how to go about applying for disability ( in the United States) for him because he is unable to keep a job most of the time because of his illness. He has 3 children and 1 step child and is completely overwhelmed with child support that is past due.
Also the cost of supporting him has exhausted my resources. Any advice?

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wendy
September 27th, 2015 at 10:45 PM
Sue….please consult an attorney that specializes in Social Security DIsability….in NYS they work on a ‘contigency” fee.
she/he will explain..getting SSD and Medicare is a process and it is helpful to work with someone who understands.
good luck……ie attorneys listed in phone book

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Diane
September 28th, 2015 at 4:50 AM
Sue…Maybe this will help you begin the process to receive SSI ssa.gov/planners/disability/dapply.html

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Rose
October 2nd, 2015 at 12:19 PM
3 days ago my daughter informed me that she had been feeling guilty that she had been lying to me. I am still in shock and have stayed busy and away from her since because I’m so hurt that I am speechless. Finally today I’m able to cry. I need time to think. I will talk to her over the weekend so she won’t have an excuse for missing work. She has been playing me for 6 months. The real reason she was missing work was to have an affair. Yes she was having guilt and anxiety because being a christian it made her feel bad. But those days she stayed home sick or crying was guilt not her bipolar and anxiety disorder being worse and uncontrolled like she said. I feel so manipulated and used. I gave her my only safety net money to leave her husband, store her things and pay movers. My summer was spent driving her to and sitting hours in hospital emergency rooms, worrying she would never be ok or on her own again and of course blaming myself and my failed marriages for her problems.(they couldn’t handle her behavior). I was uncomfortable going camping due to leaving her alone in my home. She moved in for what was supposed to be only 2 months. She refuses to be careful with lights and water therefore running up my utilities costs and really messes up my house. It has turned into 6mo so far. All the while claiming she was too tired and sick from being manic keeping her from sleeping to help me. It more than doubled my work load keeping up my house so I had to let the yard go because it was too much. I had to run up my credit card for food. We will now be eating beans and peanut butter. If she doesn’t like it she can go without. I’m going to get my credit card paid off. To make it even worse the man she has been with is someone from her childhood that tried to get her in a relationship when she was 13 and he was 17. I even had to call the police on him back then because he threatened to kill me when I told him to stay away. I’m afraid of what he will do now at 40. I know he’s taking advantage of her. Nothing I can do because she is not legally disabled. She is numb and dead brain like a zombie that can’t hardly think right. She just lets life happen to her. She makes no decisions just what ever happens and no emotions. I’m beginning to think illegal drugs may be involved. Or the dr has her over drugged. Has anyone heard of 4 mgs of lorazapam regularly. On top of sleep meds, bipolar meds and anti depressants. About 20 bottles of stuff. Seems like a lot to me. It’s really expensive to get guardianship but lately think that it might be necessary.

I told her he was not to know where I live and that she needed to move out immediately. But she has no money. What little she has made, since in 6 months she has only worked about 10 days, which has gone towards a 6 inch pile of medical bills and to hopefully pay her medical and car insurance. I really don’t want to put her out on the street it gets really cold here. I’ve seen no signs of her packing or looking for a place. When I told her she destoyed my trust in her and that I’d have a hard time ever trusting her again. Also that I felt scammed and used. She became very angry. Which can be a bad thing for me and my belongings. I’m going to buy a key locking doorknob for my bedroom today and put anything important in there. Although from experience I know that may not stop her. I will call the police on either either of them if needed. I just don’t need this garbage in my life now. With my health problems I need things more calm, not this. I understand it is not easy to kick her out if she established this as her home. I thought we were close despite her mental problems, but now I wonder what if any of it was real. Part of me has had it and wants to walk away leaving her to live with whatever mess she gets into and have nothing to do with her. And she’s using no protection so will probably end up pregnant or diseased. Not a good thing with all the meds for bipolar and anxiety she is on. Sorry for ranting. I’m hurting and confused. I have no one safe to talk to and can’t afford counseling. I’ve been searching for f2f support groups but we just don’t have them. Anyone else been taken advantage like this? I would appreciate your sharing. I know if I put her out on the street I’d feel bad too. So there seems like no way to bring peace to my life .

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shel
October 2nd, 2015 at 7:00 PM
Hi rose , can you look up on google as to wether she should be takingXxx lorazipan and how much of the dose she would need or get her to sign something to say that you have right to take control of her life ?? …

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Rose
October 2nd, 2015 at 11:45 PM
Thank you shel, I did look it up. I am concerned. I fear all her dr is doing is teaching her to medicate instead of teaching her how to be ok with feelings and how to work thru bad feelings. I always taught them that the best way to deal with tough things is head on because if you avoid it then it stays there till you do deal with it. She even remembers that. But I can no longer teach her, she needs more help
than me.
My dtr came home very angry and exploded towards me tonight. Accused me of all sorts of wierd things.
I should have expected it. She has done this all her life whenever she gets mad at me and she is angry because her lying to me made me not trust her. She runs to anyone that will listen and say how awful I am. She has caused me so many problems with people. Till they get to know her. I’ve lost many friends and dates because they didn’t know how to deal with her. She lives for crisis and for some reason directed at me and anyone I’m close to. The only person who’s ever been there for her. It’s scary to let her stay with me not knowing when/if that would show up. I asked her if she would go stay at the womans shelter because that would give her all the help she needs that I can’t afford to do for her. She exploded and swung at me like she was going to throw something at me or hit me but I shut the door between us. I then told her she needed to leave as this was unacceptable and she knew it. I refused to even keep her dog. She started screaming about me being crazy for being upset about her doing that. And even her dr thinks so.(funny since she doesn’t know me and she hasn’t talked to her since she swung at me) I had to threaten to call the police before she calmed down and left. So there is finally a night of peace in my home. And new locks are on too. yea. For how long I don’t know. I’m turning off my phone so she can’t bother me. She’s already been calling. You know I’m sure I am a little crazy from living with all this for 36 yrs. I’ve learned to go numb, walk on eggshells and keep a phony smile on, it’s the only way I can deal with being around her. The only way I kept working all those years. I do sometimes think I’m close to a break down. I love her so much but I really need a break from her and some help dealing with all this. I hate her disease. It’s to much to continue alone.
I know she is going to want to come back. I hope if I don’t let her so I can take care of myself that I won’t be condemned for it. I need to feel safe so I need some time to figure out if I can take it any longer. It is making me sick. But she may be sleeping in her car. It’s so hard.
I don’t want the responsibility of being her guardian. Not without more and better help.
shel
October 3rd, 2015 at 12:26 PM
Hi rose , when I wAs reading your answer I felt suddenly very sad for the dog !! It must wonder what the hells going on .
I don’t know what’s going to happen to us ..
I live with loads of guilt. X
Rose
October 3rd, 2015 at 4:10 PM
Yes Shel, I too live with an enormous amount of guilt. Boy do I understand. Yes I worried about the dog as much as my daughter. But I also know she wouldn’t let anything happen to her baby. And the reason I did this is she has taken advantage of me watching the dog so much and it has bit me, gone to the bathroom all over my house staining carpet and has torn things up and I’m just tired of it. She will not train him and never has. I have to be here at all times when he is here to protect my things and I needed a break. He is her therapy dog so should be with her it helps her. He is 13+ and not used to no dog door to come and go as he pleases. I’ve tried so hard to train him but his brain and eye site is failing. I’ve felt heartbroken for him all day. He wanted to stay with me,she scares him when she acts out. My dog hides from her too.
Its been so nice to be alone and have peace and quiet. I even had a friend over. My dtr called and is begging and apoligizing wanting to come back. There will be some things that have to happen first. And in writing. Including facing and telling the truth to those she lied to about me. Has anyone tried that? If so did it work?
Katie
November 12th, 2015 at 6:41 PM
Rose, I’m so sorry hearing about your life and the suffering your daughter brings to you. I understand as I have a mentally ill 30 yr old that has basically destroyed my life and stripped me of all finances and even my retirement. The mental health system here is broken. My son is not suicidal or homicidal so he gains entry into no hospital to get help. Insurance will not cover residential care. My saving grace has been my faith in God. Without Him in my life I would have ended it long ago. But I place my trust in Him. I enabled my child for so long hoping he would find help. Boundaries were not set up in the beginning. But I’m to the point you are now. We can’t save them. They need to want help. We give them the basics they need that keeps them on life support until we are on our last leg. I don’t want to turn my back in my child just like you don’t but it gets to the place of survival. I want to find a support group. Need to talk to people that understand. This is what you need too. I’m putting your name in my bible and I’m going to,pray for you every day. For your miracle. For our miracles! I hear you. God sees you! Cry out to him. Lay it all out. He loves you. His Son died for you because you matter. Don’t give up. Get mad! Find help sweet Friend. Take care of you. I’m praying Rose. Love, Katie.

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shel
November 12th, 2015 at 7:48 PM
Hi Katie .. My son Gave up his medication two months ago to become normal , and at first he seemed to keep the normality and just literally dissapearing when he became angry or anxious .
Well he’s just got to the last day tommorow of a job that we had to really struggle to get him too it was for just two weeks and with one day to go he walked off of the job , I’m gutted .
And the worst thing is he’s saying and doing things that make not a lot of sense , but I’m not going to make him go bAck on meds as I’ve never heard the end of him bring on them .
So now I’m wondering what’s going to happen , me n his dad have had a two week reprieve of him begging for our hard earned cash .
I feel like running away
Kelley
November 13th, 2015 at 6:15 AM
My 31 year old son quit the dream job of a lifetime, because the FBI or CIA told him to. He now lives with me. After various attempts to get him hospitalized, I have just given up, and until he decides he needs help, I guess this is my new normal. He’s not suicidal or homicidal, so I’m lucky there, but he makes no attempt to get a job, his drivers license or have any quality of life. I can’t get him on disability, because that would require a doctor visit, and he won’t agree to go. His disease has taken over his life, and instead of being frustrated every day, I guess I’m just putting my head in the sand until something makes him want to get help. I am living this way because I couldn’t take the stress anymore of trying to convince him he’s mentally ill. Police want me to go to court to evict him, and I cannot do that. He has nowhere to go. It’s pitiful. Praying someday he realizes he’s sick, but not sure that will ever happen.
Rose
November 13th, 2015 at 1:54 PM
Katie, thank you so much for the prayers and encouragement. Yes, without God to help me I would not have been able to make it through this, or what is to come. One of the hardest things is wondering what will happen to them when I’m gone. My biggest fear is her living on the street. Especially since with all my medical and having helped her, I have nothing left to leave.
I will put you on my prayer list too. I agree we need people to talk with. I wish there was a way to talk privately to people that post. Thankfully we can post as it really helps. But unfortunately there’s no private chat room here.
So far asking my dtr to move out is going ok.
She is living with a friend of hers since grade school in a converted garage room. Her friend is also bipolar and has been getting help and married w/3 children. So hopefully she will be of some help to her.
She has been working 1-3 days a week now.Thankfully they have put up with it and not fired her.
She told me living alone makes her go to work.
She says she wants to feel better and is taking her meds, they just don’t seem to help much. But she doesn’t want to do the work to help herself. Even though she likes her counselor she cancels most of the time. And if it requires any kind of physical energy it won’t happen. She refuses to go to physical therapy and lives on junk food.
All I can do is pray for her now. But every day I wait to hear from her wondering if she is alive today. It’s a horrible way to live. But I am happy that for the first time in her life she is living on her own. It has already changed her attitude towards me, she is much more kind and understanding. She is struggling and calls me crying. I encourage her a lot but won’t take care of her. I will give her food if she needs it. I’m actually growing tomatoes, green beans and 2 kinds of squash in planters in my house this winter. Tomatoes and beans always do well the others are a test.
I haven’t been able to find a support group anywhere near here. And can’t afford counseling. I do have a massage therapist neighbor that I let store some boxes in my garage in exchange for a couple massages a year. It really helps. I’m looking at better medicare advantage programs for next year so I’ll be able to get a counselor. Sending a hug to you.
Rose
November 13th, 2015 at 3:00 PM
I know that people on here are from all over the world. The news report just came on the television. I pray that none of you are living in Paris and if you are I’m praying you are all safe. You’re in my prayers. And my heart will be with you, my heart is breaking for anyone living there. You have enough going on without this too. Love and prayers.
Rose
October 3rd, 2015 at 12:02 AM
I just spent hours trying to explain how my daughter attacked me tonight and wanting 2 post about it. it was refused. I also tried to answer what someone else had said to me. I am stressing out. I don’t understand why it was not allowed to post. Is there some limit to responses.
Well in case this gets posted. I kicked my dtr out tonight I can’t take it anymore I don’t know where she is. I feel bad because I love her I wanted to talk about it. I feel bad but I need to be safe. Can’t take her here any more .

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
October 3rd, 2015 at 12:33 PM
Hi Rose,

Thank you for your comments. I am sorry that you thought we had not approved your previous comment. We do moderate blog comments, so this may be why you saw some delay before it was approved. I hope this addresses your concerns.

Warm Regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Support Team

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Diane
October 3rd, 2015 at 5:05 AM
Thank you, Shel, for your most recent comment. My granddaughter seems to have periods of normal functioning where she can apply for and get a job and then after a few weeks she has some sort of relapse and is eventually fired. Her reasons for being fired are always that the employer thinks she is stealing from the company! Even thought his time the employer told her it was because she didn’t interact well with customers. Mental illness is so confusing and baffling and exhausting.

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J Ray
October 4th, 2015 at 4:23 PM
I have a 37 year old son with a mental disability. He has gotten worse over the last year with seeing things, hearing voices, and sometimes describing terrible acts of torture. We have been waiting for his Meducare card to kick in so he can get treatment in December but that’s too far away. He is Schezophrinic and talks out of his head and it’s getting worse. He needs hospitalization but how can I do this? It must be done so he can get the right diagnosis and medication . I don’t want him hurting himself or someone else but it feels like he is getting close. Help as to please advise. I need him hospitalized now

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shel
October 5th, 2015 at 1:26 AM
Hi Diane. I’m not sure that I sent my last message !?
The only way I found was to lie and say he’s talking about commiti g suicide.
This normally happens any way , they do talk about it!!
But they wait until it seems that the problem is unmanageble
Then it takes copious amounts of medication to put them right !!

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Rose
October 5th, 2015 at 11:11 AM
J Ray,
I don’t know where you are from, but here in usa they used to have emergency medicaid. But he’d need to qualify for it. This used to help pay some of the recent back medical bills also. I hope they still do for you. It is so hard to watch them hurt and not be able to do anything. You’ll be in my thoughts.

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Kari
October 12th, 2015 at 7:06 PM
I have a 24 yr old daughter who was recently diagnosed with Non Verbal Learning Disability. She had been diagnosed with bipolar, schizoaffective, depression and so on. It took weeks of testing with a neuropsychologist to find the true problem. She has been on so many meds that I cant list them all. None helped, some even made her depression worse! The depression and anxiety she has is a direct result of not getting the help she needed as a child. Now, we are left to pick up the pieces and deal with many of the mental/behavioral problems listed on this forum. We also have a 19 yr old daughter with autism. Because her condition was obvious, she was able to get into special education and received all the necessary interventions. She is a happy and well adjusted adult who goes to an adult program monday through friday to learn life skills. I’m so upset about the difficulty we had in getting the right diagnosis for our older daughter. It was very difficult to tell what her actual disability was. She seemed normal except for a lack of social skills and trouble in academics. She had alot of trouble making friends, always said the other girls were mean to her and didnt want her around. She struggled with social cues and always seemed to make people angry even though she didnt mean to. I suspected Aspergers but was told by more than one psychologist that she didnt meet the criteria. But her social difficulties were obvious to anyone who spent some time with her. My question to everyone on this board is, did your child struggle in school with schoolwork and social situations? Did they seem to have a hard time fitting in? They may have a learning disability. Some are not obvious to the untrained eye and they get labeled as having a mental illness. The behavior is actually years of frustration and misunderstanding. Where I go from here is anyone’s guess. I can’t find much on how to cope/help an adult with this condition other than buy books for her to read. It is exhausting and I’m not sure how much more I can take.

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Ann
October 20th, 2015 at 7:44 AM
My daughter is 22 years old and although she has not been formally diagnosed, she has the majority of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I could write several paragraphs on all the problems since she was quite young. I’m a single mother and pretty much always have been. Currently, my daughter is living with me, but spends her days hanging out with the local riff-raff, riding public transportation, and being with her boyfriend who is 28 and has a host of problems himself. She lies constantly and it’s very difficult to believe anything she says. She has begun stealing money from me. She has been given the opportunity so many times to seek help, but she refuses. She also refuses to go on birth control and I’m quite sure she is trying to get pregnant. Despite trying to set limits, my daughter ignores what I ask and now is having her boyfriend at our house during the day while I am at work and I know they are having sex in my house and I find this very upsetting. I have talked to mental health professionals and I’ve been to NAMI meetings and I keep hearing the same thing, she won’t get better until she hits rock bottom. I’m meeting with a lawyer today to find out about starting the eviction process. I don’t want to have to do this, and I’m getting conflicting input from friends and others, so I fluctuate on my decisions and I don’t know if I can go through with making her leave. I’m fortunate that I’m very valued at my workplace and I have a lot of leave time stored up, but I feel like I’m not doing a good job at work because it’s difficult for me to compartmentalize my feelings. Any advice would be appreciated.

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Rose
October 20th, 2015 at 11:45 AM
Ann, my heart goes out to you. If you’ve read my posts you know I am also a single mother and your story is in many ways so close to mine. I too had many others offering conflicting opinions. And talk about guilt, I have never felt so confused and bad. I finally looked at what I needed to do to take care of myself and stopped listening to them. I did make my 36yo daughter leave. I didn’t have to evict her because she didn’t know I had to in order to get her out. So far it has turned out to be a good thing. She stayed with someone on their couch. In days she was miserable and begging for forgiveness and asking to return home and willing to live with my boundaries. She also agreed to look for other housing and go to counceling. If she didn’t do these she would be required to leave again. So I let her back for now with conditions. I also notified her that police will be called and if needed charges will be pressed if her “friend” comes around, anything goes missing or if she hits me. So far she has keep to all boundaries.
She has found a room to rent from a friend and is moving in on the 30th. She is cashing in a small retirement acct from a previous job. She can’t seem to make it to work and wouldn’t apply for help or admit she needs help before, so it will be interesting to see how it goes. I figure she never will as long as I am here to bail her out. Making her leave scared her into following through with some things. She’s afraid of being homeless. I cried a lot as it was so hard. But in my case it turned out to be for the best, but you can never know for sure.
Are you in the US too? Can you get an order for her “friend” to stay away from your home where you are?
I live with nerve damage from a car accident in constant pain and lupus. I could not take care of myself and tolerate her behavior too. I can be of no help if the stress makes me worse. I also put a keyed lock on my bedroom door.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us posted it helps to voice how you’re feeling.

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Diane
October 20th, 2015 at 12:22 PM
I feel much the same with my 26 year old living with me. Right at this moment we are on a good spot. But, things can change on a dime. If I were to evict her, I’d have to move far away as she will return home and pound on the door creating a disturbance and cause me to be evicted from my apartment. It’s such s catch 22 for me. I have no advice, just do understand the dilemma you are in. There never seems to be an answer.

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Renee
October 21st, 2015 at 9:33 PM
Kelley! I am in the same boat ~ I really wish there was someone I could talk to going through the same thing as I. I have a 22 year old son still living with me. He has PTSD and Manic Depression. He just got a really good job a week ago, but quit today for no reason. We’ve tried all meds and they only make him worse…I come home everyday depressed myself. I simply do not have a life ~ he is not the son I raised. He went into the Marine Corps when he was 18 ~ finished boot camp and as he was training, he feel very ill with a horrible fungal infection…he refused to train one day from being so ill and so he was discharged with a OTH ( Other than honorable)…we have been fighting it, but the Marines are not responding to anything. I don’t know what to do. This is not the sweet, funny caring boy I raised. I’m heartsick.

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Kelley
October 22nd, 2015 at 4:38 PM
I started reading a book called I’m not sick, I don’t need a hospital. It has amazing tips on how to deal with people like us dealing with mentally ill adults. It has given me a whole new outlook on how to deal with my 34 year old son. They also suggest calling all the hospital and asking if they have a mobile crisis psychological team that will actually come out to your house for an evaluation instead of calling 911 and the cops not doing anything. It’s a great book, try it

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Shell
October 23rd, 2015 at 7:53 AM
In England we have early intervention , it’s brilliant !!.
They really do a lot to help and it looks like this is the same thing.
They even had meetings arranged for me and my ex husband to meet other people with the same problems.
Rose
October 23rd, 2015 at 9:15 AM
Shell, I’d love to hear more about the early intervention you have in England and what they do. Maybe I could try to get it here in U.S. How does it work? Who runs it? It sounds great.
I’m going to get the book Kelley recommended too. It sounds helpful.
Kelley
October 25th, 2015 at 2:45 AM
I’m not sick, I don’t need help is the correct title. I started implementing the tips in the book and I’m finally getting my son out of his room and to join family time. While what he says still is delutional, I’m learning how to ask the right questions to get him to trust me again. It truly is a great book
shel
October 25th, 2015 at 1:01 PM
I’m going to get that book tonight. !! X
Shell
November 13th, 2015 at 12:03 PM
Early intervention is only allowed before the person is 25 yrs old,. But they step in and take the mentally ill young person on and basically organise one day per week out ( dry slope skiing etc etc) the young person gets to meet other youngsters like them selves and they also have coffee morning s.
They have a centre that they leave open for droppins at any time during the day.
On the medical side they also have psychotherapy available and a psychiatrist that has the young persons best interest at heart .
And meet up with them on regular basis to judge wether they’re taking the right medication.
They also arrange for the carers to meet each other and have meeting where you can swop experiences and its amazing how much you have in common.
It’s brilliant and I miss it ..cos my son is 30 and now we’ve been dumped.
No medication so no doctor.
No medication so no benefits.
Rose
November 30th, 2015 at 6:54 PM
Thank you Shell. That program sounds wonderful. It would be too late for my daughter but not for other families. It sounds like they need at least a support group for them and the caregivers to continue after 25. I will figure out who to talk to about starting a program like it and share the info you gave me. I don’t know if it will work but it can’t hurt to try. Something needs to change here. We have nothing like that. And calling the police when they act out can have very bad results. They still get benefits here when they quit taking their meds. So no incentives or accountability. And if they continue dr. care they just prescib more or different meds and nothing more for them or the family members caring for them. I’ve looked and asked for help everywhere I could think of for 30 years and nothing. NAMI had good info but no support. My daughter says she hates being this way and is on several meds but nothing seems to help. It’s hell for me but I can only imagine how frustrated she must feel. She went through NAMI but doesn’t even bother to try to find other help anymore. I’ve tried to get her to look for a place online that she can talk to others, like we do here, but she’s ashamed to admit to her illness. She won’t apply for help so gets none. Except from me. She has a job but only works 0-2 days a week. I think she would be a lot better off now if I could have been able to get her help like that program when she was younger, but the dr.s wouldn’t listen or help. They just called her active and stubborn and laughed it off. I loved her but hated her actions. Back then I looked forward to her turning 18 so I was no longer responsible for her and looked forward to my life getting easier. Little did I know it was going to affect my life forever. I keep reminding myself daily of the good times, because there have been and still are some. I’m so glad I found this site.
Ms S
October 24th, 2015 at 4:23 PM
I am glad I am not the only one, although I wouldn’t want anyone to go through this. I have a 24 year old daughter who started having paranoid personality changes between 2009 through 2013. Her PCP was no help and would not refer her to a behavioral health provider. In 2013 my daughter had hallucinations and thought people was saying negative and obscene things to her. It broke my heart. She held offices in several activities and groups, but did starting to cut herself off from friends. She was heavily into church and started discussing with me how we are too privileged by having a car and paying to have shelter and utilities. She felt sorry for the homeless where she decided to live with them. It scared me. She kept feeling like God was punishing her for living in a way he never intended. She wanted to only eat fruits and vegetables. She wanted to wash her clothes at a lake, not take care of her hygiene, and quit college. It wasn’t until 2013 when she had an episode at work that led me to taking her to the ER. My daughter was so different. I had no idea who she was and why she thought she smoked and was talking really vulgar. She was referred to a behavioral health hospital for eval afterwards. When we got to the behavioral health hospital, she was evaluated and I was told they had to commit her. OMG! to have someone firmly tell me they will have to keep my daughter and there was nothing I could do was confusing. I am glad she got help. She has had several medicine changes, but doing better. The obstacles is her getting defensive when I suggest anything, jumping out of the car when she doesn’t agree with me, dealing with a codependent boyfriend she met at a center that helps mentally challenged adults. I am thinking about moving to the Atlanta area where she may get better help, but I really don’t know.

Ms. S

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Erica
October 25th, 2015 at 3:47 AM
What about those of with children with SMI? My 15year old daughter was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder 2 years ago after attempting suicide. She has been seeing a therapist & a psychiatrist for many years ( she is a shaken BAby survivor & has ADHD).she is also a self-harmer. Over the last couple years she has been hospitalized 5 times & has had multiple psych evals to see if she needs to be sent to a juvenile facility. My husband & I also have a 3 year old daughter that recognizes that her big sister is sick & sees the cuts. Our lives are not easy. There are nights that I must sleep in the room with our oldest because we are scared she could try to harm herself. I haven’t slept a full night since her suiside attempt.

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Diane
October 25th, 2015 at 4:58 AM
Ms S….although my 26 year old’s paranoid episodes are not as severe as your daughter’s, I have some inkling of what you are going through. Living with someone in this state of mind is so unpredictable and surreal. It’s extremely difficult. I’m glad your daughter received the help she needs. And I agree with trying to figure out the future. Everything is so uncertain. I know what you mean about your daughter getting defensive. Mine is like that as well. I have stopped advising her on anything and just make general conversation. I do the best I can to take care of myself so I can live as well as I can. It’s really all I can do.

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Arlene
November 2nd, 2015 at 9:43 AM
I’m so glad I found this site. I have a 46 yr old daughter who is possibly bi polar. She has been a handful since she was about 16. She had a diagnosis 12 years ago but decided it wasn’t true? when she was 30 I moved to a different state without her, it was the best thing I could have done. She was living on her own, and it gave me a ten year break which I needed because I’m back and in the thick of it again. She got pregnant and decided to keep the baby. I feel that this was more a manipulation than anything else. So I’m back living in the same state so I can help my grandchild. I have her every weekend for the past four years. And of course dealing with all my adult daughters drama. Some days I just cry and others I actually feel okay. After reading the stories on here I guess I don’t have it as bad as others. This really isn’t a real comfort and I feel for the other people on here. I never imagined having a child was going to create a life that was so very very painful. This is not what I wanted, I sometimes blame myself for her condition, although I know this can’t be. I thought old age was going to be easier, oh well.

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shel
November 2nd, 2015 at 10:34 AM
I feel like my life should be calming down but instead I’m working more to subsadise my son whom doesn’t want to take medication and is being penalised by the state because of it !!!.
I’m praying that despite him having no people skills and not wanting to work alongside anyone that he finds a job !! Which sounds very unlikely.

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Christina
November 9th, 2015 at 12:12 PM
My daughter is 30 years old and I am 61. She has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, conversion disorder with non-epileptic seizures, severe anxiety disorder, and for good measure, the Dr’s, threw in bi-polar disorder as well. The past 14 years have been a roller coaster of one crisis after another with her. My husband and I have tried distancing ourselves from her tornadic lifestyle by establishing boundaries, but she has always managed to circumvent them. She lives alone in a house that we pay for, cannot work due to her disability, and receives SSI and Medicare. That little bit of income she has (approx $600 per month) she manages to fritter away in about a week, leaving her demanding more from us for necessities like food and clothing. We are not well off, but have taken care of her needs in hopes she can live independently from us. But now she has managed to lose her license for dwi and evading police and we have become her source of transportation. The courts have also mandated that she continue her two-to-three times weekly therapy or risk being in contempt and going to jail. We live in a rural area and public transportation is not an option. So now I am having to drive her 1 1/2 hrs each way to therapy (my husband works full-time) and am being subjected to her crying, guilting, self-pitying, yelling, and other assorted emotional manipulations. I love my daughter with all my heart, but I am getting to the point where I resent the cards life has dealt us. I truly do not know how much longer I can endure the emotional and physical toll her illness has cost me. Just wanted to get this off my chest.

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
November 9th, 2015 at 4:20 PM
Dear Christina,

We saw your comment and would like to encourage you to reach out. If you would like to share your concerns or talk to a therapist or mental health professional for any reason, you can search for one using our site.

You can search for a mental health professional in your area by entering your ZIP code here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

Please know that help is available. We wish you the best of luck in your search.

Kind regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team

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Patrica
November 22nd, 2015 at 12:56 PM
Oh, we are kindred spirits, same age, same cluster of adult child symptoms–except I am forced to live with her because of my 4 year old granddaughter whom I adore!! ( what a hellish box I’m in). In addition to your issues she is outrageously messy and has no boundaries…I have nothing that is not used abused or stolen from me! I know I look like a door mat, but I don’t know what to do. No decent choices. The seizures are terrifying…but I’m no Buddha I am angry! And I don’t handel these seizures well as I feel like I’m being manipulated …I know I’m not I think but I just can’t Handel this madness well. I don’t like her and I frequently want to ring her neck. Nothing works. Pleading crying howling nothing. I have a therapist but it isn’t particularly helpful. I just would like a big hug once in awhile…I want my life back!!! I get it..and I am sorry for you and your drama. I don’t have the resources to move her out, but I sometimes think I wanna climb on a bus going anywhere but here…since it’s a fantasy I’ll take the 4 year old with me!!!

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shel
November 22nd, 2015 at 2:48 PM
Hi Patricia , I’ve just read your comment and I feel gutted for you … That feeling of running for the hills is Proberbly on the front of all of our minds !! But we all know that the guilt would be too heavy and we would all run back down again.
When I was growing up I never heard anything about people having mental health and now it seems to be everywhere .
I feel so down sometimes and then I read the comments on here and I feel that I’ve got off quite lightly . X
wendy
November 9th, 2015 at 5:36 PM
Cristina…I am so sorry . What really helped me with “tools” i could apply was a 12 Step support group for
“friends and families” of folks who are abusing drugs/alochol….and the tools were helpful in coping w/my family member’s mental illness and character disorder.
wish you the best

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Diane
November 13th, 2015 at 11:23 AM
Kelley…I understand completely. My 26 year old has paranoia and holds similar beliefs, Her thinking is so disturbed that she has lost or quit job after job. She lives with me and like you I don;t have it in my heart to toss her out. She’s in somewhat of a good space now, but it never lasts long. She has seen many medical professionals, but doesn’t want medication. My heart goes out to all of us living with mentally disturbed adult children.

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Kaye
November 14th, 2015 at 11:59 AM
Hi I have a 28 year old daughter with a mental illness she is stayi g with me at the moment .she was ok for a week and after that she she became abusive and controlling . She has fits of rage. She to will not take her medication . I have tried tough love changing lockks its a long story . At the end if the day she has nowhere to go .in Australia we dont have facilities for people with mental illness . I really believe we are a hidden society nobody knows what its like unless they go through this . Kaye

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Vicki
November 13th, 2015 at 2:28 PM
Less stress as my 27year old son is in residential environment but still won’t take any help as he is convinced he has tapeworm in his brain and isdying- I need to get checked according to him, as I gave him undercooked pork to eat when he was young. The antipsychotics don’t seem to be working but at least he is detained under the Mental Health Act and the facility at Godden green, Sevenoaks seems better than where he as been before. He seems reluctant to get involved in any of their programmes a as he says he will die soon because of the tapeworm so that is stopping him from getting involved in any cognitive therapies to get him better.

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shel
November 13th, 2015 at 6:52 PM
Hi vicki , you and I seem to be the minority on here that come from England , I know of the godden green facility , my son was in Maidstone and dartford .

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Vicki
December 11th, 2015 at 3:58 PM
I had a good meeting with the doctor who has got him yo agree to attend weekly psychologist meetings and I am seeing her on a one to one on the 21st of this month. The psychiatrist advises me not to get involved with any conversation involving tapeworm but that is virtually impossible because that is all my son wants to talk about. I spent less than 5 minutes with him the other day because of this. I have collected his post and there are loads of badly written hate mail notes put through his door which are very upsetting
shel
December 12th, 2015 at 3:06 AM
Hi there , is your son writing these to himself ???.
Who ever else would do such a thing ? That’s awful.
Sending prayers x
Vicki
December 13th, 2015 at 1:00 AM
No he has been in hospital since August. They appear to be from neighbours. I have told the hospital when it gets to the stage of Section 17 leave I will not take him back to mine as it’s the same small town he has his flat in and he will immediately seek out theses so called friends again. Instead I will have to check into a hotel with him somewhere- none of the family would be willing to assist I’m afraid- it makes you feel so very isolated this disease
Zoe
November 14th, 2015 at 1:48 PM
HI everyone
It is a gift to find this forum in times of despair. I am so sorry that so many of us struggle with sever mental illness in our families. I too have a son with smi living wit me. He is 29 and is mostly sweet young man and pleasure to be around. it took nearly 7 years of constant effort and not giving up for him to rich the insight about the necessity of medication. Slowly he is working through his emotional maturation and is far better off that I ever though he would be. I survived the worst I hope , he only can get better from now, under the condition I stay functional and cheerful. AT current I am worried about my 20 years old having no motivation and plans for future. It is hard to stay cheerful, being single mum, only provider and migrant in another country trying to get ahead. My traumatic life took toll on me. I am trying to keep strength the best I can and I so wish some of you live in Australia in Newcastle so we can meet and talk. Wishful thinking.
Stay strong , all of you, things do get better, really do, it is all in cycles.

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Diane
November 14th, 2015 at 2:40 PM
I agree with you about cycles. With my 27 year old it seems to follow this pattern of severe paranoia then less and then a period of calm for awhile before it begins again. Right now irbid calm and I am taking this time to restore my energy.

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Kelley
November 14th, 2015 at 3:45 PM
I’m wondering how you able to get through to him during those 7 years? My son also is very sweet and harmless, just will NOT consider seeing a dr or getting back in his medication. I’ve given up on trying to convince him he needs medication because I’ve learned he has to figure it out on his own, just wondering how I get him to realize it.

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Zoe
November 14th, 2015 at 7:58 PM
Few hospitalisations and court injections did the job. After few months he wad well enough to realise to stay on them. Was nor in hospital for 5 years now, finished some courses and trying to get job😃
I used all emotional strenght for rhis yourney do lacking energy for youngest
Rose
November 27th, 2015 at 6:23 AM
My daughter found a friend that happened to see a psychologist and was willing to see her as well. Then the psychologist, who was a true blessing at the time, was helpful with diagnosis and information. However, obviously no medication through her. I have found there are so few Psychiatrists who know what they are doing. Its really sad.
shel
December 10th, 2015 at 12:26 PM
I haven’t been able to talk him round to stay on meds .
I’ve decided to let it be as long he’s not dangerous to anyone or himself.
After all …. We don’t know if the meds are any good for them.
Mary Johnson
November 21st, 2015 at 8:17 PM
Thanks to all who have written. I am grateful for your words of encouragement to others as well as for your great personal courage. I am 80 years old and the mother of a 56 year old daughter who has been ill since her teens. I’m not sure of her current diagnosis because , of course, her doctors can’t discuss it with me and she only tells me what she wants me to know. But I know she has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder on two occasions when she was hospitalized over the last few years and she meets the description of someone with BPD almost perfectly. She refuses to take the drugs prescribed at the hospital but does take several other medications. My husband died 6 years ago. Through many years we supported each other in trying to help our daughter and endure her sudden mood changes, rages, accusations, inability to work or to function much of the time. Coping is harder now that I am on my own. She can’t get along with anyone for very long. I provide most of her financial needs. As I can’t live with her, I co-sighed for an apartment and pay her rent. I’ve also been paying some expensive dental bills and I’m in the process of buying her a car, which seemed to momentarily please her. She was severely stressed when her car became unfixable. She became ill and began picking fights with everyone. She is arguing and causing tension with the management of her apartment complex. She was forced to leave her last two homes because she couldn’t get along with the owners. Tonight, just as I thought things would begin to get better , she called to report a conspiracy among certain people to be rude to her and run her out of town. She said she plans to call the police to report this conspiracy, which includes people who manage her apartment. This is similar to what happened 2 years ago at Christmas. The Police came then, and because she was hysterical , belligerent, out of control, she was taken to the hospital and involuntarily committed. But she didn’t stay long and I can’t say it helped. She was not allowed to return to that apartment. Now I’m afraid her hostile remarks will cause her to lose her current home when the lease is up in two months. She won’t listen to my advice, and after her call tonight I was at wits end. I can’t move her again and she can’t live in my little condo. My money is running low. She has a brother who is a good son, but he tired of her rages and insults, and distanced himself in order to protect his family. Half the time I tell my self I can’t die because I don’t know what will happen when I’m gone; the other half I hope I don’t live too long.

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Jan
November 26th, 2015 at 6:33 PM
Dear Mary, I relate to everything you said. My daughter does live with me because she has a son. When I let her move back I did not know her problems were so severe. I hate to come home! She’s depressed, cranky, unmotivated to do anything. We’ve been to a few doctors. She sees a psychiatrist for her meds, but nothing is better in three years now. She has isolated from everyone accept her son. She hates to leave the house. I’m about to lose my home from all the money spent for her insurance, food, clothes etc. I took think what would she do if something happened to me. Yet, I’m so tired of this depressing situation. I stay away as much as I can and that’s no life. I had a great Thanksgivng until I came home. Now, I’m in my room to get away from her negativity. I could go on forever! Jan

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Rose
November 27th, 2015 at 6:18 AM
I am so sorry for your situation. This makes me cry as it is how I feel at times. I keep thinking we are missing something. A thread that connects the dots. Something that could help them with these horrible feelings. Sending you prayers.

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shel
November 29th, 2015 at 10:46 PM
I know it’s wrong but I tricked my son into signing a bit of paper saying that I can speak on his behalf when he stopped taking his meds !! (With doctors permission ) I couldn’t stand to go through what I went through I. The begining trying to get him help but. Of being able to do anything without his permission .
So stupid .. This system turns us into liars and abused parents constantly trying to find help , it’s so un fair

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Kimmy
December 10th, 2015 at 11:50 AM
Hello Shel, What type of papers did you have to sign. And do you have legal guardian over Adult son. Be blessed!
Kimmy
December 10th, 2015 at 12:02 PM
I agree! The system is so messed up. How can a person who mentally sick know what’s best for them. In their heads, they are not sick and don’t need to see a doctor. We has parents know when something isn’t right. Just like when they were babies. They couldn’t tell us what was wrong with them, so we took them to the doctors. We told the doctor their symptoms and the doctors treated them… This how it should be when their mentally ill. The system need to change for mental Illness.
shel
December 10th, 2015 at 4:13 PM
Your right !! But how do we make it change ?? And it’s never gonna benefit our kids .
Kimmy
December 10th, 2015 at 5:21 PM
Shel, I wished I knew how we could change it!! Maybe a lot of prayer… Along with a letter to the White House!!!
shel
December 11th, 2015 at 4:11 AM
Kimmy a letter to the white house wouldn’t do me any good … I live in England. Lol.
And we have the same problems here .
Xxx
Kimmy
December 11th, 2015 at 2:51 PM
Shel, England? Maybe one day someone will ready all of our comments from the WH and feel our pain and change the laws on MI
shel
December 10th, 2015 at 12:22 PM
Writing paper, I got him to sign it because I was dealing with one of his bills , and filled in the blanks later .
It gives you the right to make a desision on his behalf .
X
shel
December 11th, 2015 at 4:14 AM
Kimmy .. Sadly much of what I’ve had to do to get my son Sectioned .. Cared for .. Etc etc has not always been the direct route sometimes I’ve had to be dis honest and if I hadn’t have been I’m positive that he would’ve been a mentally ill tramp living on a path way in London somewhere.
Kimmy
December 11th, 2015 at 2:55 PM
Shel, I understand! We all had to do that in order to get our love one the help they need. Be Blessed!
shel
December 11th, 2015 at 4:03 PM
Kimmy I’m so pleased that you told me that !!!! , its such a relief .
I have problems with my son blaming me endlessly for his mental illness , Ive had to jump through so many hoops and lie about things that I should nt lie about .
And I suppose I didn’t realise that we have prob all in the same boat.
Kimmy
December 11th, 2015 at 8:02 PM
Shel,

Everything is going to be ok! My son doesn’t blame us for his illness, but in order for me to get the help my son need. I’ve had to tell my son a WHITE LIE about why we were going to the doctor. My son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 7 years old. Then Bipolar at the age of 14. In order for me to get him to the doctor for bipolar. I had to tell him we was going for other reasons(ADHD) so I completely understand how you had to lie in order to get your son some help. I think every parent has or will have to do that in order to help their kids, because a MI person doesn’t know what’s best for them. In their minds, They are not sick and they don’t need help. Be Blessed!
Kimmy
December 11th, 2015 at 8:14 PM
Since he’s been diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I’ve had to do 2 (10-13) He on his meds, and is stable, his delusions is under control for now, but I can’t get him to see a doctor for therapy! Hopefully, after this last 10-13. He will go to the doctor. If not, I will have to do what I have to do to get him to see the doctor! Be blessed!
Shel
February 6th, 2016 at 3:17 AM
Hi kimmy
I just wrote a letter saying that he gives me permission to talk on his behalf .
It is copied about six times , it has a date on it.
It’s just in case .
Evie
December 14th, 2015 at 8:31 AM
Mary, you have carried such a burden for about 35 yrs longer than I have. I am 65 and feel the aging of the ordeal of despair involved with having a daughter with a severe mental illness. I hope you can find peace, my dear woman.

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Diane
November 22nd, 2015 at 3:13 PM
My heart goes out to you, Mary Johnson. I am almost 72 and feel much the same way as you about my 26 year old who also believes people are out to get her. It is so hard. I will keep you in my thoughts.

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Margaret jones
November 23rd, 2015 at 3:44 AM
Hi everyone I couldn’t read all posts and am shocked of the amount, but just shows we are not alone. I am in Cairns Australia, my son is 36 and diagnosed at 31 with bipolar and borderline. He seemed ok for past coupla visits from melbourne wher i have paid his rent. Brought new girlfriend up, big break up, had mania from easing off meds, and doing ok, then she triggered a mania, taken to horrible mental hospital and seems now far worse and so angry towards me. Like others he holds me accountable for all his mistakes in life, can’t take any blame, abused via phone every 2nd day. Love him so much, wher did my son go ? Can’t say anymore I am so stressed by him anger towards me. I have actually alot to say but choked for words. Bless all you other suffering parents.

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Rose
November 27th, 2015 at 6:13 AM
I have the same issues with my daughter. I have been a single parent since she was 2. Her symptoms began around 14. I believe she would be so much better if she had never taken any medications. But that is water under the bridge. Now she is literally addicted to her meds which adds to her Anxiety disorder along with her BPD, OCD, PTSD, and the list goes on. This is a horrible existence for her. I wish I knew how to fix this for her.
I am constantly broke. She is verbally abusive to me much of the time. Blames me for all her problems. I have to work a high stress job to earn enough to get by. Her father has never been involved. Owes me 14 years of child support. His mother had many of the same problems. She committed suicide the year my daughter was born. I need guidance. Anything that would be helpful. I have serious stress and need to have a destress routine. But I can’t do it at home or work.

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Shel
February 6th, 2016 at 3:14 AM
We all know how you feel MARGARET Jones , it’s simply not fair.

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Jonna
November 23rd, 2015 at 8:57 AM
Hi: Reading all of the posts has helped me tremendously to know I am not alone. I found the site after feeling such frustration and hopelessness, that I typed “I wish my son had never been born” into Google. God forgive me. He is 27, bpd2 and struggling with the side effects of the meds and the inability to find a job. He moved to south Florida to be with us about 4 months ago and has not been able to find work. We moved down in January. He is still receiving care from Wisconsin (our home state), does take his meds, and does work. I’m just at wit’s end because he can’t find anything here. And I think he should apply for SSI. Thank you all for helping me feel less alone. Jonna

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Diane
November 25th, 2015 at 4:26 AM
I am feeling in solidarity with all of you right now as my 27 year old has finally been diagnosed as schizophrenic and is on an antipsychotic med. It has taken almost a year for this diagnosis to come about after some extreme incidents, 2 ER visits and appointments with several medical professionals. Although I had suspected this diagnosis based on her behaviors, it still hit me hard because I know the burden she will have to bear for the rest of her life. Managing a mental illness is not easy and I hope she is up to the task. She’s a beautiful, smart and talented young woman. My own self care routine will be even more important now as I know I cannot fix her, only myself. Meditation, my crafts, walking, swimming and get togethers with friends and family all help me keep my head clear and spirits up. I have bad days like us all and sometimes it takes every fiber of my being to keep on….but this is the life we have and so we live it. Knowing there are others like me with adult children suffering from mental illness is a real comfort. Thank you all.

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Kay H.
November 29th, 2015 at 5:45 PM
I found this site as I searched for help when an adult child is in crisis but I am finding much more. I deeply appreciate the honesty I see, and I share the anguish that so many people feel when facing mental illness in a son or daughter. Reading the comments I feel a small moment of calm and that is unexpected. I am grateful. I know my journey is just beginning and I will need every source of strength.

This morning our daughter called to say she just found out that her brother, our only son, is in a deep depression. His ex-girlfriend contacted our daughter with this information. Our son is working and living in Prudhoe Bay, Alaska. He has worked for at least three straight months, long workdays, everyday. It is cold and dark, the sun won’t be up for nearly three months. It’s the worst possible setting for him right now. He is far away from family and friends. Apparently he did get five days off, which he spent in Anchorage. During that time he made references to suicide to his ex-girlfriend. I believe that he is in a deep crisis.

Immediately upon hearing all this his dad and I texted our son and I composed a heartfelt letter reaching out to him. He is working today and probably won’t read the email letter until tonight. I hope he will talk with us and we will continue to reach out to him. His dad worked on the oil pipeline for over thirty years and he knows the right medical person to contact. He will do that tomorrow but we’re hoping to connect with our son tonight. I just want to get our son out of there and down here with us in Oregon where we can get him professional help.

I don’t know what I can do next but worry and pray, even though I don’t have a strong belief in a intervening diety. There is more to the story but these are the basics of the crisis. Our son will turn forty-five on New Year’s Eve. I am terrified of losing him.

Thanks to anyone reading this who can hold Joshua and his family in her heart.
I’ll read more comments, am doing this in my phone right now. I feel a little less alone.

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Evie
December 13th, 2015 at 10:20 AM
Kay, I feel the pain you are experiencing. My daughter, Mary, did attempt suicide on Oct 19. Yet I have felt her absence in a type of death for the past 3 years. Since surfacing with schizophrenia she has become a totally different person. Our bond has melted in the fire of her ingoing dark delusions. I used to miss the old Mary. But now I have learned to love her the way she is despite the fact that she insists she is non-human and incapable of love. I feel I could not get through her being completely gone. She is so completely miserable that my need for her to keep living seems almost selfish. This entire experience of watching her suffer and my dread of her possibly killing herself has changed who I am. However, I have learned how important it is to keep seeking inner peace. Acceptance of her the way she is has provided some of that peace. The rest comes as I wait and calm my thoughts and choose hope. My faith in God has been under a transformation, so I know what you mean regarding that arena. Lately though I have felt the need to just start over with my faith which I think I need to have a healthy mind and outlook.
Mary, my youngest child and who used to be my best friend is simply day to day in how she survives. That applies to me as well. But I am grateful that I have the mental health to choose hope and peace. Every day.
My heart goes out to you, Kay— Evie.

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Evie
April 5th, 2016 at 3:39 PM
My dear oh so victorious Jackie, You acted in a wise way and there need be NO guilt concerning the brave way you handled the situation. Your son is figuring it out and so is the system. Perfect. And of course you are NOT a bad mother. You did exactly what needed to be done to stop that downward spiral. Don’t forget to avoid taking anything he says personally. Upward and onward! —Love and applause for you!!!

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Jackie
April 5th, 2016 at 5:56 PM
Thankyou Evie it is the hardest thing i have had to do and i cry for him everynight but i was so scared he was going to hurt me or i was going to hurt him. You are always full of encouragement and love for us all you are a kind lady xxx
Gina
November 29th, 2015 at 7:07 PM
I think I need to provide a little background here first. My husband and I have been married for 36 years. We had two children in our twenties, a boy and a girl, now ages 34 and 32. We had another, a boy, in our mid forties who is now 11. We are 57 and 59 now. Moving forward, at age 21 our daughter was diagnosed with MS (she is not physically disable but cognitively disabled). She cannot hold a job. At age 27 she had a child with a 19 year boy. She temporarily lost custody of son to his father about a year ago for abusing medication and putting him in danger. She has since been diagnosed as being bipolar and I’m not an expert but I would also add narcissism and passive aggressive to her list mental illness. Issues with her are: she has the best room in the house above our 3 car garage, she gives us $400.00 a month for both her and her son out of the 2,000 she gets from SSDI, this includes everything and when I say everything I mean everything! In regards to everyday household chores she doesn’t lift a finger, she reads, or is on her cell phone all day. If I didn’t see to it that my grandson ate some healthy meals he’d be living on chipsahoy cookies and doretos. She expects everything and gives nothing and uses her MS and bipolar as excuses. She is a chronic liar. Tells people we are horrible, that we are mean and take her money (we occasionally make her pay for things like a gallon of milk or toilet paper). Not a bad thing when you’re getting 2 rooms in a eight room house, free food, free heat, free AC, free HD cable, person chef, personal maid for any mess made by her or her son that is not in their pig-stye bedrooms. Also free babysitting which I finally started saying no to, personal mechanic. I feel like my venting is getting out of hand and apologize. I have grown to hate her and If it wasn’t for my grandson I’d throw her out on her as%!!

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shel
November 29th, 2015 at 10:36 PM
I think we all know how you feel.
I’m lucky my son lives in a flat subsadised and I make a habit of walking away from him when he starts to get aggressive. , I don’t need to sit in a public place and be humiliated I’ve been a good a mum as I can be !!!
So I just say , it’s time I went home.

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Diane
December 3rd, 2015 at 6:53 PM
My 27 year old is having another psychotic episode tonight where she believes the government is out to get her. She came in from work very agitated and yelling about it all. I advised her to call the crisis line if she is having a crisis. Then she took off in her car for who knows where. I am sure I will be getting a call from the police sometime tonight saying they found her and took her to the ER. She was recently prescribed an antipsychotic, but I think it takes about 4 weeks to reach a therapeutic level and so her mind is still terrorizing her. It’s just awful that we, as parents, have to go through this…not knowing what will happen day to day. I am so glad I can come here and everyone will understand. The NAMI support meetings near me are in the evening which is hard for me to get to. I am so tired of living this way.

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Kimmy
December 5th, 2015 at 11:03 AM
A little about myself. I’m married to a wonderful man of 14 years been together 23 years. We have 2 children. My daughter is 19 working and in college and My son who is MI.

Our son is ADHD and Biploar. He was diagnosed with bipolar when he was a teen. About a 6 months ago, He started to act strange. He started isolating himself from friends. He thinks everyone is doing him wrong or after him. We notice him laughing and talking to himself. He started talking about things that we knew wasn’t real. He thinks the neighbors across the street is flying airplanes over his head. He thinks they have his cell phone number(IPhone). He doesn’t have a cell phone, but he wants us to go across the street to get his number from them , so we can track his phone. We had to do a 10-13 on him in September. They sent him to pathway for 7 days, gave him a diagnosis of schizophrenia. They put him on 4 mg of Rispedone to take twice a day, 2mg at night and 2 Mg in morning. We was giving him his medication. After 3 weeks, We started to see a change in his behavior. He was sleeping at night. He was going place with us, but he was still having some of the delusions. About 3 weeks after his first hospital stay, He didn’t want to take his Meds. He said he wasn’t sick and he don’t need help. As a parent, I know he need to stay on his Meds because he don’t realize that he’s sick, so o started crushing it up putting it in orange juice. I did that until he gave out. He will not go to his treatment program nor the doctor. So he is non compliance with his treatment. He’s been with medication for 2 weeks now. On yesterday, we had to call the crisis center to our home to evaluate him. They did a 10-13 to have him sent to the hospital. I feel like I’m about to lose my mind! I need support and advice please.

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shel
December 5th, 2015 at 11:50 AM
Hi kimmy, my lad was diagnosed with schizophrenia nearly five years ago…
Similar stuff happened except he thought FBI were after him.
We quickly understood that he needed to b kept busy with volountary work where people understood him and it took a few years before we started telling people.
We’ve been on and off the meds for years .. We found Alanzapine to be the best anti psychotic for him.
He’s been off it for a few months now and we are very concerned about his behaviour but he’s said that under no circumstances must he go back on it , and we ( my ex .. Who’s brilliant ) decide we would honour his request and all was going well until he showed his violent streak yesterday .. We are now living on the edge.
Again !!!!
But this time off the meds he’s been much better and we are going to try and get him to re – think his aggresive behaviour.
He does volountary three times per week .. The gym every night .. Psychologist once a week and lives alone because nobody can live with him.
My daughter plays an active part in his life .. He’s in and out of work regularly because every body who actually employs him trying to help him tells him what to do in a nasty way ?? V :( .
They don’t !! …
We’ve decided he’s not ready for work yet …
He’s thirty and both me and my ex have the feeling that we won’t ever be able to move onto a new life or relationship.
It’s bloody hard work .
I feel for you because you have a way to before u understand what is expected of you.
Over here in England we had early intervention before he was 25 which was amazing … Now he’s 30 and we’ve struggled alone for five years .
God only knows what is going to happen to him .
Kimmy
December 6th, 2015 at 10:43 AM
Shel, Thank you for responding back. I feel I need to talk with other parents who is going through what my husband and I are going through. I am very glad I came across this website. I’m very sorry that you are going through your trying time with your son. I pray that God will give you and your family strength to deal with your son. I know how you must be feeling. My son is in the hospital right now. My husband and I went out to dinner with friends on last night. This is something that we have done with our friends for over 20 years, but since we’ve been going through this with our son. I haven’t wanted to go anywhere or be around anyone. My husband wanted me to get out of the house. All I do is go to work and home. I was afraid to leave my son home because he was off of his medication and you never know when the relapse was going to happen. I felt guilty because my son is in the hospital, but we out with friends, but we really needed that. We are at the age where we are supposed to be traveling and have no worries because we have raised our children. We have a daughter who’s 19 working and in college. I really don’t know how to handle all of this. We were able to deal with the ADHD and BIPOLAR, but the SCHZO is all new to us.
Evie
December 11th, 2015 at 9:10 AM
My heart goes oit to you, Kimmy. My 3O yr old dtr surfaced with sczo 3 yr ago. Recently she asked my permission to kill me. Her higher power delusion calls for her to be imprisoned for life to prevent thousands of deaths. The emotional pain involved with losing the dtr you used to know is unbelievable. I feel your pain along with mine…. God be with you, Evie
Kimmy
December 11th, 2015 at 2:46 PM
Hello Evie, I am sorry to hear that your daughter is dealing with this MI. Yes, It’s very heartbreaking. I pray that my son, your daughter and all of the love ones of the parents on this site continue to stay on their Meds and see the doctors. I know that if they do those things they can live a fulfilling life. I pray that God give all of us the strength to deal with our love ones. Be Blessed!
Shell
December 6th, 2015 at 12:23 PM
It’s not fair kimmy , I’ve been thrown back into some kind of strange relationship with my ex husband because neither of us can move on…he ( my son) threw a wobbly in sainsburys the other day because of some gravy :( . I’m just glad I’m not dealing with all this alone.
You do need to talk to a psychologist because you shouldn’t feel guilty about living your life and I can tell that you are!!.
I actually started to live abroad when my son became ill and I ended up selling my apartment and coming home to live ….
Keep strong because while he’s in hospital he’s safe and it will give you time to try and enjoy your life.
X
Shell
December 6th, 2015 at 12:28 PM
By the way …do your home work on the drugs that they give them.
Tbh I would rather keep my son off the drugs cos they have long term affects , but unfortunately in the beginning they need them.
Kimmy
December 7th, 2015 at 12:57 PM
Thank You for responding Shell,

Lately, I’ve been all in my feelings. I’m in denial because this is not the life I had imagined for our children. My son is the oldest! He is supposed to living his life to the fullest. He doesn’t have any kids. He is very nice until he Start having a episode, but we know that’s the illness that makes him that way. As I said before, I felt guilty because we went out to dinner with friends while he’s in the hospital, but it was much needed for me and my husband. Over the Thanksgiving holidays, My son didn’t want to go anywhere. We are a very close family and during the holidays, we go to my in laws and mom house. I didn’t go because my son didn’t want to go and I didn’t want to leave him home alone during the holidays. I most definitely have to find a local group to be apart of because this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with. I just need a clear peace of mind. These passed couple of days has given us a peace of mind because we know he’s safe in the hospital, but who wants their children in a mental hospital. Thanks for listening 😢
Shell
December 7th, 2015 at 4:27 PM
Kimmy , my sons been ill for about five years maybe a little longer, it seems that nobody knows much about mental illness and that scitzophrenia doesn’t exist the same in every person.
My son doesn’t like loads of people … but tolerates them, he clams up and says nothing., which can be extremely embarrassing.
At the moment we’re on a merry go round of volountary work…he’s just leaving another place that he enjoys being to start somewhere else.
It’s so hard because he could do with a sympathetic employer.
Kimmy
December 5th, 2015 at 11:06 AM
Diane. I understand how you must be feeling because we are going through the same thing with our son. I’m here if you want to talk. We can help each other. Be Blessed!

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Kimmy
December 16th, 2015 at 1:45 PM
Hello Everyone, I hope everyone is doing well. I need to give an update on my son and I need some advice. My son was just release from the hospital on last Tuesday. We have been having a hard time getting him to go to the doctor since the first hospital stay. Well, He started the Partial Hospital program on today. He said he’s not going back to the program because he’s not sick and he don’t need to see a doctor. We have heard the before several times. My husband and I are drained because we know he need to see his dr. What should we do? I know that once his medication runs out he will have a relapse and I will have to do another 10-13 on him. That’s what happen this the last time. Please! I need some advice! I am very strong, but sometimes i become weak when I can’t get him to see that he is sick.

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
December 16th, 2015 at 3:07 PM
Dear Kimmy,

The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. A therapist or counselor may be able to offer advice and offer support.

You can locate a list of mental health professionals in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

Please know that you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

Kind regards,

The GoodTherapy.org Team
shel
December 16th, 2015 at 4:02 PM
Hi kimmy , have you tried talking to his doctor , try to get them to call him in for a check up or something .
And try and get him to sign something so u can take over his care ..
Maybe.
Kimmy
December 16th, 2015 at 4:50 PM
Yes, I’ve talked with his therapist and doctors on today… And I’ve signed a Advance Directive for Health Care.. I just really don’t know what to do from here on out… All I know to do is do a 10-13 on him for the 3rd time, but we are private people and don’t really want the polices in our yard all the time…. Just really don’t know what to do…. Thanks Shel for a quick response
shel
December 18th, 2015 at 9:17 AM
Kimmy my ex felt the same way about the police bein called !!in the end we just put up with it .
But it’s got better.
Kimmy
December 18th, 2015 at 12:01 PM
Hello Shel, Yes, Iam learning to except that this will be our life until my son gets that he’s sick and have to take his Meds and see his doctor. How is you son doing Shel? Is he seeing a therapist? Is so, How did you get him to see that he’s sick and have to take his Meds and see a therapist.
Sherie haines
December 18th, 2015 at 12:48 PM
Hi kimmy , my story’s a bit different .
I couldnt get my extremely stubborn son to accept his illness and when his life became so bad and violent ….I had to lie to get him sectioned.
He was sectioned three times , the psychiatrist said it was schizophrenia .
It’s been going on for a very long time !! Different meds and always the same him wanting to come off of them, he left the care of the psychiatrist and went onto his G.P , he’s thirty now.
And he has managed to drive and live alone .
He has no people skills .
And he actually convinced the doctor to allow him to slowly come down off of his meds .
He’s decided it’s his human right to be able to say if he takes them or not.
We said we would back him 100% unless the violence starts again , and if it does he will have to go back on them.
Well .. He’s now levelled out , some days he’s impossible to be around and other days he’s fine.
He has no friends and doesn’t rub along easily with men.
But he’s still not taking them and has said he never will again.
And he’s not violent .
He sees a psychologist once per week and manages his own bills.
He does have to be subsidised by us a little because his money was cut when he stopped the meds.
He hasn’t got enough people skills to work properly but he does do volountary and boy can be work .. He’s a real grafter.
But he also likes to be in charge and it doesn’t work … So time will tell.
It’s not easy .. I had an awful day with him today , I was supposed to meet him in sainsburys and he turned up one and a half hours late and blamed me and then nit picked at me all the way through the lunch .
Telling me I needed a shower etc.
Ho hum
X
Kimmy
December 18th, 2015 at 5:28 PM
Hi Sherie,

That is how our son is…. He has no people skills….. Have never really worked…. He doesn’t understand that he needs his medication and therapist…. He is Finiancally draining our savings….. He needs to be on SSI…. I haven’t had the energy to go help him apply for it because I don’t know what to do to even get it started….. He needs to volunteer on a job, but he want….. He was just diagnosed with it in September, so he needs his med right now…. God please be with us all! Thanks for your story Sherie and if you can tell me how I can get him started with SSI. I would greatly appreciate it, because he is 25 years old and has always depended on us financially. We have a daughter who’s in college and we have to help her too. She’s working, but we still have to help her…. Be blessed
Kimmy
December 18th, 2015 at 5:47 PM
Sherie, What is GP?
Be blessed
Sherie H.
December 19th, 2015 at 11:14 AM
G.p is a doctor .. They changed the title to general practitioner .
sherie h.
December 18th, 2015 at 7:14 PM
Hi kimmy , from what I remember we went to the job seeker place and they gave us a number and sat us on the phone to somebody who made An appointment for us to see them with my son and we applied and got some extra benefits for him .
It was bloody hard though because my son seems to be able to act completely normal when bein interviewed by someone …..but it won’t happen to u like that because your sons bound to mention what he thinks is happening to him .
You said previously that he talks about it a lot.
Evie
December 16th, 2015 at 4:32 PM
Kimmy, all I know is that from my 3 year history with my 30 year old schizophrenic daughter, her belief that her delusions are real is stronger than my belief in myself. She has never once believed she has a psychosis. I have noticed a smugness and near arrogance associate with her personality. She has so much confidence it can be a manipulative power over me. It IS hard to stay strong. I have had to go to court and have her “probated” three different times to enforce a doctor driven plan of care. Each time this probate is allowed to lapse she refuses meds and becomes worse. It’s a vicious cycle. I just keep getting back in the ring.
Kimmy
December 16th, 2015 at 5:01 PM
Evie, Our son is the same way! He goes into the hospital . they keep him for 6-7 days. They Give him a prescription for Meds. He starts off taking them and go to see his doctor the first week after the hospital stay, then say he’s not going back because he’s not sick and he don’t need see a doctor…. This is so draining. This is just the beginning for us because he was just diagnosed in September of this year. :-( Lord please give all of us strength. Be Blessed!
Sherie h
December 18th, 2015 at 2:56 PM
It must be the hardest thing in the world to accept that you have a mental illness with the stigma that is attached to it !!
I feel very very sorry for our kids because they struggle every minute of every day to become normal.
I could sit and cry for them all …. But I can’t start crying because I know that I won’t be able to stop !! I have years of trying to be the strong one and holding it all together.
If I crack then the whole thing will fall apart .
Kimmy
January 4th, 2016 at 4:59 PM
Hello Everyone,

My 27 year old son has a doctor appointment on tmw. He only have 2 days worth of medicine. This seem like an on going situation. In most of my post, I have explain that my son is on medication, but he want go to the doctor when it’s time to go for refills or to see a therapist, so he go without Meds and his delusions gets worse and we have to do a 10-13 on him every time this happens. This is so draining. My husband and I have raised both of our children. Our daughter who is in college and our son who’s sick with this MI! This is not the life that we had planned! I have good days and bad days. And this is a bad day because I know by next week we will have to do a 10-13 on him for non compliance… Jesus please be with us! Be bless!

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Kimmy
January 14th, 2016 at 12:36 PM
H—Hold
O—On
P—Pain
E—Ends

Be Blessed!

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Kimmy
January 16th, 2016 at 4:26 PM
Hello Everyone,

This is an update on my son. He is going on 2 weeks without Meds. We see some of his symptoms resurfacing. Last night he was pacing and he said he didn’t care if he lived or die. This is a new one for us because he’s never talked like this before. On today, I got up and told him to put some clothes on we were going for a ride. My plan was to take him to a hospital to have him evaluated. I took him to the hospital in hopes that he would go in to get evaluated. He would not get out the car. I went into the ER and told them that my son is mentally ill and was talking about he didn’t care if he lived or die. They told me that they couldn’t force him come in to get evaluated, but I told them I think he’s suicidal. The nurse went to the car. She talked to him and ask questions but because he seem fine. They did nothing. This will be his 3rd time going into the hospital and I think he knows what to say and what not to say, so we left the hospital and I took him to a walk-in crisis center. I talked with a counselor and showed her papers where he been in the hospital twice. I told her that he was delusional and was saying he didn’t care if he live or die. I told her he wouldn’t get out the car, so she went to my car. She talked to him and she Asked him questions, but because he was not delusional and he didn’t tell her that he didn’t care if he live or die. She said she couldn’t force him to get help. This is crazy! The system is broken when it come to mentally ill Adults! She asked me how long has he been off of his Meds. I told her about a week. She told me to give him about 2 or 3 weeks and he will bad to he can’t control it even if he tried to. She said if I had guardianship then I could have him admitted. I already know that, but I don’t want to be responsible for him if he does something to himself. What should I do? I know I can do another 10-13 on him, but if the crisis center come to our home and he’s hiding his feeling or want talk about it. They will not take him to the hospital. I need some advice from my lovely parents.By the way, We live in GA. God be with all of us! Be blessed!

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Kimmy
January 29th, 2016 at 8:48 PM
Hello Everyone!

I hope all is well with everyone!
May God bless all of us and our children! Be Blessed! 😘

Reply
Diane
February 5th, 2016 at 4:05 AM
Hello again. My granddaughter, 27, just told me she has stopped taking her medication for schizophrenia because she looked up the side effects online and didn’t like what she read. She has decided to try herbal supplements instead. I gently advised her to discuss all this with her psychiatrist. But, I doubt she will. I can see her slipping away again with the extreme paranoia returning. Thankfully I have my self care practice, friends and my hobbies which keep me centered most of the time. My heart is with all of us, both parents and adult children who are suffering.
Shel
February 5th, 2016 at 9:34 AM
Hi Diane , could you not get the doctor involved , my son wouldn’t stay on meds .. But he went to the gym every day and has things going on in his life , volountary work etc.
The doctor advised him to come off slowly , it took him a good part of a year to cut it down bit by bit , but he’s levelled out and seems to be managing , we have blips .. But it’s ok.
Kimmy
February 5th, 2016 at 11:39 AM
Shel, I remember when you told us the story about the doctor winging your son off of his Meds. I remember saying my son needs his Meds because he was just diagnosed with schz and he was really really delusional. He has had 2 Hosiptal stay against his will. In Jan, he came off of his meds on his own and wouldn’t go back to the doctor. I almost lost my mind because I knew he was going to be delusional really bad again. He is still a little delusional, but not bad..We can’t get him to leave the house since he’s been off of meds, but it seems like he’s stable without them for now. We can’t get him to do any volunteer work nor find a part time job that’s not so stressful, so he can have a little money in his pockets. I can’t get him to go to a therapist. We can’t get a social worker for him because he want go to a doctor. He needs a social worker to help him with resources like coping skills, social skills and finance and housing so he can be independent. He depends on us a lot. His dad and I are supporting him as much as we can, but we have another child who’s in college and we have to provide for her too. She has a job and can provide for herself as for as food, but we have to pay for other things for her. I will say that since he’s been lifting weights and his music. He his stable, so my husband and I have backed off on him about taking his meds. Although, We know he needs them because he’s delusional, but he not that bad to have him sent to the ER like the last 2 times… He just need motivation. He don’t have any friends…. Be blessed!
Diane
February 5th, 2016 at 12:54 PM
Shel….I am not at all involved in her treatment. I have to remain neutral in order to have a life for myself. I would certainly act if her behavior was harmful or violent. She has very little insight about her illness, but does sometimes listen if I make a suggestion.
Kimmy
February 5th, 2016 at 9:44 AM
Hello Diane,

My 27 years old son has stop taking his medication too. It’s going on 3 weeks since he last taken his Meds. It seems like his music and lifting his weights has him stable, but we have started to see him going down the hill again. God bless us and our adult children.
Diane
February 5th, 2016 at 12:56 PM
Thank you! I am not alone! I am hopeful things will continue to be somewhat stable with my granddaughter even though paranoia still is evident.
Kimmy
April 4th, 2016 at 10:29 AM
Hello Everyone,

It’s been a while since I posted. My son is back in the hospital for the 3rd time. My 24 year old son is Sczhopheria and is off of his Meds. He has been stable, until last week. He has been off for 2 months and been very delusional. On Friday morning, I went into his room to tell him to get up and take the trash out. I walked into his room and by his bed on the floor was a big kitchen knife. I asked him what was he doing with the knife. He said he didn’t have it and he didn’t know where it came from. We have notice that he will put empty TV dinner trays in the dishwasher and when we asked him did he put it in there he don’t remember. He will say No, but he’s the only that eat that brand because I buy it for him . Has this ever happen to any of you? My son was just diagnosed in Sept of 2015. He’s has been hospitalized 3 times since then…God Bless us all

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Susan
December 7th, 2015 at 9:10 PM
I have a 20 year old who has severe depression and anxiety. I have dealt with it alone. His father won’t have anything to do with him. My son is aggressive and verbally abusive. He is in therapy and takes prozac. He also has cirrhosis of the liver and is on meds for that. He will need a transplant. I am a high school teacher. I am empty. I have no energy to help him. I am doing everything I can and I will do anything to help him. I have good good friends. All I want/can do is sit on my couch. I am so depressed and anxious. And very angry.

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
December 8th, 2015 at 9:22 AM
Dear Susan,

We’re not sure if you have already tried talking to a therapist about your situation and the way you feel, but we wanted to reach out and explain how you can use our site to find one near you. If you would like try, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can complete an advanced search by clicking here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

Kind regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team

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Kimmy
December 8th, 2015 at 4:27 PM
Susan, I understand how you must be feeling because we are going through the similar things with our son. My son was diagnosed with Sczo. As a mother, You don’t want to see your children going through anything that has to do with mental illness. I’ve been in denial for a long time. My husband(who is a great father and husband) and I are mentally drained. We can’t get our son to see that he needs help. He don’t want to go the the doc nor take Meds. He’s 24 so by law we can’t force him. He was just discharged from the hospital on today. He seem calm and is willing to take his Meds, but we have seen this before. He will take his Meds for a week or two then stop taking it. I hate that you have to go through this alone. I know how hard it is and it would be better if you had your husband there for support. Last week I was feeling like you, I didn’t want to go anywhere nor be around anyone, but because my son was in the hospital and we knew he was safe. We went out to dinner with our friends. I felt guilty by going knowing he was in the hospital, but Iam glad I did because the past two days I’ve had a peace of mind. I am here if you want to talk. We can help each other. Be Blessed!

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Vicki
December 8th, 2015 at 2:24 PM
Your comment makes me feel so upset. It’s the same with me- I have done dinner for friends tonight to reciprocate really but it has taken so much effort. On the one hand I want to curl up and not get involved in the world but on the other I know I need my friends. My son went to court yesterday for an offence of pulling a knife on someone but it WA bizarre- he threw his phone on the ground, smashed it and then demanded the passer by give him his phone and pulled a knife. He pleaded with th judge to send him to prison but got a Section 37 (hospital order) as anticipated- I am in UK it’s a section under the Mental health Act. He’s back in hospital and. Guess for some time- he can’t move on because he believes he has tapeworm eating his brain and now amount of anti- psychotics are helping. Does anyone think hypnosis might help him….I am desperate X

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shel
December 9th, 2015 at 2:36 AM
Omg … I feel awful for you.
I don’t know where I would go with this one !!!
Please keep everyone informed on how you deal with this .
Please keep strong .
My prayers are with you

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Jonna
December 8th, 2015 at 9:00 PM
Hi all: my 27 year old son is bipolar 2. We have been soldier ing on together since he was in his early 20s though I will say his issues have been a lifelong evolution. He is battling depression now…its seasonal and brutal. I hate what this has taken from him…college, friends, milestones…the meds keep him from delusions and deep depression, but they are crippling.

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Shell
December 9th, 2015 at 10:43 AM
You’ve just mentioned something that I find really hard to cope with and that’s the friendlessness that our kids have to sometimes cope with.
I find that’s half the problem and trying to be a mum and a friend is almost impossible.
My son used to play me and my ex husband off against each other..but now we stick together on it.
I wish their were somewhere that they could go to socialise.

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Kimmy
December 9th, 2015 at 12:38 PM
Shell, I agree with you! The need to have places for mentally ill person to go a socialize because my son don’t have any friends and he don’t go anywhere. He used to have friends but he stopped going around them because he thought that was against him. You mention that your son has been ill for about 5 years now. Is he on SSI? If so, what is the process. What do I have to do to get him some financial help. My husband and I are providing everything for him. We have been do that for a long time because he can’t hold a job down. We are having to go into our savings to provide copays when he go to the dr, food and clothing.
Shel
October 19th, 2016 at 8:13 AM
Hi kimmy , I’m in the U.K. And it’s relatively easy to get benefit and help for him , just both go to the doctor and make an appointment with a psychiatrist and once he’s seen somebody he has proof of being ill so is entitled to financial help.
X
Kimmy
December 10th, 2015 at 4:47 PM
Jenna, I’m sorry to hear about your son illness and I’m glad that he’s on his Meds for delusions because that is what have helped our son. Most people may not believe in giving their love one medication, but it helps and works when they find the right medication for them. I pray that God give us all strength to deal with our love one. As you can see from this website, you are not alone! Be Blessed!
Kerry
December 9th, 2015 at 1:30 AM
Hi, in 2011 our son was admitted to our local mental ward at the hospital , with drug induced psychos and late diagnosed with schizophrenia. Since this diagnosis he was on antipsychotic medication , which was adminrstered by monthly injection, ( which seemed to numbify him) since June he stop going to see the doctors and therefore taking any meds. Our family is at wits end due to his behavioural change that’s getting worse on a daily basis. I am looking at trying him on some type of natural therapy that’s if I can get him to agree. We are in a desperate situation , can anyone out there please help us, as the only other alternative is to call the police and have him admitted even though he dose not show any violent attributes. We don’t want to go down that path(again) as he will hold it against us and last time the so called pharmaceutical solution seemed to alter both mental and physical behaviour . Once again we are desperate for help please.

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Kelley
December 9th, 2015 at 10:21 AM
My son was exactly the same. He’s been living with me for 6 months now, refused to to eave the house and get help. I called the police a handful of times, they always said, he’s not suicidal or homicidal so they wouldn’t take him to hospital. I was at my wits ends with his delusions. I spent an entire Saturday night calling every single hospital I could find. I finally found a hospital that would meet with me. I took police reports, all his insane writings, and they agreed to come out and evaluate him yest. He has now finally been pink slipped to a hospital today and I’m relieved I finally found some help. If I can give any advice, keep a journal of everything they do, anything they write, and anything they say. It truly was helpful getting my son help

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Kimmy
December 9th, 2015 at 12:28 PM
Kelley, I’m happy that your son is finally receiving treatment. I totally agree with you on keeping a journal. This is what helped us on the second 10-13. We had videos and recordings of his behavior. And the delusions that he was having. My prayers are to ask God to give us all strength to deal with our trying time. Be blessed!
Lmr
October 18th, 2016 at 5:20 PM
I have been reading all of these posts for a few weeks. I had to call the police on my 30 year old mentally ill son tonight. I thought they would put him in the hospital but he is going to jail. He tried to throw his dad down the basement steps. He stopped his meds in May and it has gone down hill from there. I was ok with it at first but it just got so bad. My son was great until about age 21. He was smoking a lot of pot and doing bath salts back then. He doesn’t do those things anymore so I thought maybe it will be ok without meds. I dont want the meds to damage his brain anymore than they already have. My heart is broken again. The thought of him in jail is so upsetting. He is naive and will do anything to make a friend. He gets taken advantage of very easily. Thanks for listening all you precious mothers. Who would have thought our babies would have turned out this way.
Shel
October 19th, 2016 at 8:09 AM
Lmr … I feel so very sorry for you !! When will it ever end.
Lmr
December 2nd, 2016 at 8:53 PM
Hi all of you loving moms. I thought I owed everyone an update. My 30 year old son was in jail for about 3 weeks for shoving me and threatening to kill his dad. When he was released, he was nice and apologetic for about 5 days. Then the mean text messages started and how could you call the police on your own son he said. He hates us and we are terrible people. This is after taking his cat in while he was in jail, cleaning his apartment and buying him groceries. He is harassing me for money constantly since I am the rep payee. He goes to court on December 12 so we are hoping for court ordered therapy or something even though he says he would rather go back to jail than see a doctor or take meds. I asked to be taken off as payee too. We just hope some good comes out of this mess. Hang in there all you moms. You definitely are not alone in this. As others have said before, I just want my old son back. How I long just to have a normal conversation with him again.
Lmr
December 4th, 2016 at 5:18 PM
Arizona sounds great compared to where we live in ohio. No housing programs for mentally ill. You can only get a caseworker if your child goes to a doctor and takes his meds. My son will do neither. No psychiatric hospital near here. My son was shipped away to a hospital once but they only kept him for 24 hours. I am sorry for your situation, charity. My youngest daughter always says her older brother ruined her childhoid. This country needs to do something for the mentally ill.
Kimmy
December 9th, 2015 at 11:14 AM
Omg Kerry, We are going through the same thing with our son who has been diagnosed with Szcho. Or son has been admitted twice against his will. The first time we did a 10-13 on him. They took him to hospital where he stayed for 7 days. They put him on Rispedal 2 mg. He was taking it twice aday. Once in the morning and once and night. He was doing very well on it he also was taking Bendryl to help him sleep. After 3 weeks of taking his medication, he said he didn’t want to take it that he wasn’t sick and that he don’t need help. He didn’t want to go to the doctor. We had to do another 10-13 on him through the crisis team. He was admitted for 7 days and was release on yesterday. He seem to be stable. You may want to try the pills instead of the injection on your son. We are having a hard time with getting him to the doctor. Kerry, I pray that things get better for you and your family. Everyone on this site are going through similar situation. My son was upset with us when we did the 2nd 10-13 on him, but he gotten over it because we explain to him that it was for his own good. How old is your son and what are his symptoms of Szcho? Be blessed!

Reply
Kerry
December 9th, 2015 at 10:49 PM
Hi Kimmy, my son is 23, he thinks someone is out to hurt him, he has withdrawn himself for friends and family, no concept of value money or property. I am constantly cleaning his place and washing his clothes. He not eating right, we try to get him to eat properly. He thoughts are over the place. Thank you for you kind words. We cannot believe there is so many people out there in the same position as us. I don’t understand way the mental health people can’t come and assess him at home. But that is the Australian system. It’s is so emotionally draining . Sometime we think want did we do wrong for this to happen to our beautiful boy. What he is missing out on, what we have missed out on, but there is so many of you out there in the same boat and you all understand how we feel and we understand how you all feel. But there just isn’t the help out there that we all need. The systems need to change so our loved one can try and lead a normal life. Our hearts go out to everyone of you. The stress is unbearable.
Kimmy
December 10th, 2015 at 11:41 AM
Kerry, We most definitely know how you are feeling. We have another child. She is 19 working and in college and is heathy. We aren’t perfect parents, but we have always made sure our children had everything they needed and most of their wants. And made sure they lived comfortably. Me as a mother, I question what did I do wrong. I think that is something most parents go through. The devil want us to question our parenting. My husband and I use to wonder why our son would not work because that’s all he has ever known us to do. and why was he acting the way he acts, but now we know it’s the disease. Up until last week, I’ve been very stress, in denial and feeling shameful. This site help me to know we aren’t the only ones that is going through this. This disease happen to most adults between the ages of 21-45…and nothing caused it…. And it has no cure, but our love one can live a fulfilling life with the right medication and therapy. I pray that God give us peace and strength during this trying time. Be Blessed Kerry!
Ginette
December 9th, 2015 at 9:25 PM
Hello everyone!

I feel like i’m gona be sick.

This morning,

Our son acted up,like every day:

Verbal,physical violence,the usual.

I was really desperate and helpless.

I had hope for a while to get confort,hope for a miracle as usual.

By surfing on the net for some kind of help,i found this site.

It hit me like a heart attack.

I knew ,we were not the only family living this hell, but..really..
It’s pathetic.We are so many families,friends;beeing hurted.

Here in canada,let say,our 29 years old son , had a big surgery or very expensive treatment, he would get the help needed fast and for almost free.

Same thing for a car accident.
All the costs for rehabilitation, transportation would be provided too.

Unfortunately, Mental health cares have very little budget.

Like many of you guys, our hearts and pockets are broken because of this hell.

Thank you guys to be there for us!
Very helpful site…
Just at time (needed it, a lot)☺

I red many parents comments and I was amazed how our routes in life are so similar.
The best feeling of all (we are not the only one)
Maybe more acceptable.

Let’s keep strong!

Please GOD, keep letting us feel Hope ….

Thank you! Thank you!

AMEN

Ginette

Reply
Evie
December 13th, 2015 at 11:28 AM
Yes, Ginette, let us keep focused in getting and staying strong! If we fall apart, we will be of no help to ourselves, much less to our mentally ill child. My schizophrenic daughter lived with me for a year and a half. It did neither of us any good. She went off her meds, would shut herself up in her room, write criptic messages on the wall, and eat nothing but dog food. No bathing for an entire year. She ended up in the hospital and I had to tell the staff that she could not come back home. The hardest thing I ever did. I’ve NEVER been good at tough love. And so about a year ago she was placed in an adult foster home in our town. I visit her regularly. It is like the visitation you go to when someone has died. She is just a shell of the beautiful young woman she used to be. Although at least now she has to eat real food and bathe to prevent being appointed a guardian. My stress and ongoing knifing grief is still off the charts, but I think she is better off out of my home. I feel no guilt. Always suicidal, I worry about her doing that, and she did attempt to hang herself on Oct 19. But I think she would have SUCCEEDED had she still been living with me. To all of you who have posted your pain—I hurt with each and every one of you. And for those of you who have those precious grandchildren—I can see why the road you travel is much rougher than mine….. GOD HELP US ALL, Evie

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jo
December 23rd, 2015 at 5:35 AM
I found this website today….I live in the UK. Reading everyone’s comments is like sitting among friends. The worry, guilt, anger,pain, hurt,frustration, stress, the list is never ending. I don’t have a life my adult son and his mental health consume my life and thoughts. I protect him daily but feel so trapped,to the point I think I would be better off not being here…not that I could ever consider anything so selfish because who would then care for my son x

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
December 23rd, 2015 at 8:29 AM
Hello Jo,

We wanted to say thanks for sharing and reach out with some help in case you wanted to connect and speak with a professional. If you would like to consult with a therapist or counselor, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and click the International Search link under the search field to find therapists in your area.

Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

Warm wishes,
The GoodTherapy.org Team
Vicki
December 23rd, 2015 at 8:40 AM
Jo….I so know those feelings. I have been there although my son is sectioned at the moment so the stress and anxiety has eased a little. It’s still the first thing I think about in the morning and last thing at night. It eats away at me in the night too and I sleep very poorly. I worry what the future holds for both of us but for now I am trying to concentrate on the present. I’m in the UK too x
Kimmy
December 23rd, 2015 at 5:39 PM
Hi Jo, I(we) feel your pain. This isn’t something I imagine my life to be at the age of 41. My husband and I feel so sad for our son. We have had to do (2) 10-13 on him. He’s stable now. He taking his medication, but he still say he don’t need any medication and he don’t need to go to the doctor. What is the MI that your son has and how is he doing? I pray the God give us the strength to make it through this hard time! May God bless you and your son! Merry Christmas! Be blessed!
KAREN
December 11th, 2015 at 6:17 PM
I want to thank all the parents who are voicing how they feel . I feel so guilty for the way I feel . I’m beginning to be depressed myself I just want to watch television and cry . My 26 year old daughter was in the hospital two times the last year exactly a year apart . She has psychosis . she is on meds .Sheis taking them and is back to work but is so angry with my daughter of 17 And myself. she atarrs arguing everyday throws things breaks doors . I have not returned to work In 3 months I’m afraid to leave her home with my teenager . I am having such a difficult time . I want to move her out but can’t afford it . My husband has a soft spot for her .. it is hard to be tuff . I resent that myself and my other daughter have to get help to deal with her . I know life is not fair .i just really am loosing my will .

Reply
Diane
December 12th, 2015 at 3:57 AM
Karen….I understand wholeheartedly. I have a 27 year old living with me. I want to visit my sister in February, but am afraid to leave her here alone. Her extreme behaviors could get me evicted from my apartment. I try to live in the moment and cherish the good, but it does become harder and harder. I meditate daily which helps enormously as well as long walks, my craft projects, outings with friends and time alone when she is at work. Mental illness is so hard to understand. One moment she believes the government is stalking her and the next minute she feels someone is out to behead her and the birds outside her window are warning her. I don’t discuss these thoughts with her. I suggest these are things to talk over with her therapist She is taking an antipsychotic med, but may need something else. You are right life is not fair, but sometimes, it becomes almost unbearable. My heart is with all of us living with a mentally ill adult child.

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Kimmy
December 12th, 2015 at 2:18 PM
“Dear God, I pray for (child’s name) as he/she deals with this (specific illness) so often. I know You are the Master Healer and that You also provide times that are symptom free for this dear lone. Please comfort and protect this dear Adult child during this hard time. Help them to know that they can come to You for the peace and health that only You can provide. Please be with the doctors as they continually study to find medicines and treatments that will comfort those that suffer from chronic illnesses. I leave this in Your precious hands oh God my Father. Amen”

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Kimmy
December 12th, 2015 at 2:59 PM
Reach out to those who experience mental illness. Lift their burdens, calm their anxiety, and quiet their fears. Surround them with your healing presence that they may know that they are not alone. in the name of your Son, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, now and forever. AMEN.

Reply
Kimmy
December 12th, 2015 at 3:02 PM
A Prayer for Family Caregivers
Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for your selves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.
MATTHEW 11:28-30

HEALER OF SOULS AND COMFORTER OF THE WEARY, HELP TO LIGHTEN THE BURDEN OF FAMILIES WHO ARE CARING FOR THEIR SICK LOVED ONES.
Accompany them on their journey and ease their anxiety and fears. Surround them with the love and strength of others, so they may experience the healing presence of the communion of saints. In the name of your Son, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, now and forever

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Kimmy
December 12th, 2015 at 3:04 PM
Amen!

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Evie
December 16th, 2015 at 7:04 AM
Kimmy, Your faith is a strong one. Yet despite this, you are bound to have desperate moments and hours. I was awake last night feeling oppressed. But today is a new day where I can choose hope and lift all of us up, parents and children, and believe for God’s highest good for them. You will regroup and be stronger than ever. I believe in you big time!!

Reply
Elizabeth
December 13th, 2015 at 10:56 AM
I just googled – when should a parent let go and came across all of your comments. My son is 23 battling this horrible mental illness, last night hours on the phone threatening suicide – refuses to take medication, he has been hospitalized so many times,last year was court ordered, I have had to set boundaries and not allow him in my home but the loneliness and isolation he feels living alone are so unbearable for him. He thinks the government, the CIA the DEA are all after him, he won’t reach out for help and I have been told that the only way is to have him committed which I don’t have the emotional strenght to do.

Reply
GoodTherapy Admin
December 13th, 2015 at 12:33 PM
Dear Elizabeth,

If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

Kind regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team

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Evie
December 13th, 2015 at 12:59 PM
Elizabeth, You have the strength to do it. It is there deep inside you. Reach deep inside for it. “Commitment” sounds worse than what it is. Let’s use the word, “HELP”. The help needed is beyond what your love can do. Keep loving but also do what needs done to enforce professional help. The person who is mentally ill sees no need for help and they just keep floundering. On and on. Do not worry that he will be angry at you or hold it against you. Do what needs done in the moment. Then take it one moment at a time…. I had a psych professional tell me that I will not always be here for my dtr. She needs to get herself enfolded into the care of the “system” despite its flaws. Because in all likelihood, she will need care beyond what I can provide for the rest of her life. I have been where you are. And I am still there. God help you and all of us, Evie

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Jackie
December 14th, 2015 at 5:15 AM
I have a brick for a heart. I dealt with my ex for 10 years with drug induced psychosis and he wouldnt get help so took my 4 children and left. Then found out my son also had the same symptoms when he was 17. He is now 33 and is schizophrenic, takes any kind of drugs, has hep c, steals and lies to get his own way, i can no longer have him living with me. His father won’t help so i had to take steps for a restraining order to not only keep him away from me but to protect myself as i was thinking of killing him which scared me so much – why can’t they force him into rehab? He is now homeless and on the streets – i am scared for him – i cant even cry anymore. He is on his own and what will be will be.

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Evie
December 14th, 2015 at 11:38 AM
Jackie, You did what you had to do. Live in this moment. No looking back. No looking ahead. Seek and find peace, you dear woman.

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Kimmy
December 14th, 2015 at 4:04 PM
Evie, You give very good encouraging words. I am the parent who is not taking it very well. I am under a lot of stress and pressure. Never in a million years, I would’ve thought my husband and I would be dealing with this MI from one of our children. I pray and try to keep the faith, but sometimes it gets very hard.. (Tears) Today is not a good day!
The GoodTherapy.org Team
December 14th, 2015 at 4:25 PM
Dear Kimmy,

Thank you for sharing. We are sorry to hear of the stress and pressure you are under. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but if you would like to speak to a therapist or counselor, you can locate one in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

Please know that help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

Kind regards,

The GoodTherapy.org Team
Jackie
December 15th, 2015 at 1:43 PM
Thanks for your kind words Evie – i used to love everything now i just feel hard and no love inside my soul for anyone – i feel gutted, counselling hasn’t helped ease my pain i am broken. Sorry i’m not looking for sympathy just want to tell someone. Xx
The GoodTherapy.org Team
December 15th, 2015 at 4:14 PM
Dear Jackie,

Thank you for sharing on the blog. We are sorry to hear you are feeling this way and that counseling has not seemed to relieve your pain. Please know you can always seek out a different therapist or counselor if you are not achieving the results you are working toward. You can use our site to search for a mental health professional in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

Help is available. Please know that you are not alone.

Kind regards,

The GoodTherapy.org Team
Jackie
December 15th, 2015 at 4:43 PM
Thanks but you are America I am in Australia. We get 6 free counselling sessions only which i have used unfortunately i now have to pay but it is too expensive for me . I appreciate this chat room and reading through all the comments it is so unbelievable that we are all going through the same struggle in all countries. Surely someone somewhere has a solution to this huge problem.
Evie
December 16th, 2015 at 6:12 AM
Jackie, this book might help: “The Mindful Path To Self-Compassion” by Christopher K. Germer, PhD. Parts of this book helped me to disentangle from strong emotion and suffering through body awareness where you avoid self judgement. You learn to soften into a painful emotion and then incline with tenderness toward your suffering….Pages 62 through 71 hold some of my favorite helping parts which explain HOW to do this. Actually, you have already started to begin a healing step by labeling what you feel.
Jackie
December 16th, 2015 at 1:55 PM
Thank you Evie i will get this book and i appreciate you taking the time to let me know.
Evie
December 20th, 2015 at 11:20 AM
Jackie, I am so proud of you that you followed your instinct and good sense. In my opinion, and in concert with what I have been through with my daughter, your decision to call the police was a wise one. It is extremely difficult for us as mothers to follow such a necessary course of action. Keep breathing. Keep getting back in the ring. Of course we still love our ill and oppressed child. Yet love is not enough to “fix” them. I am absolutely sure of this. I am amazed at your inner strength. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Love and peace to you, Jacke. And to all of us. I feel all your hearts breaking. Mine is too.—–Grateful for all you dear people share, Evie
Evie
December 15th, 2015 at 5:09 PM
Jackie, I see no hint of whining or negativity. What I am hearing from you is the aftermath of all the pain you have endured. You have been tapped out. I am choosing to hope that this empty state of yours might enable you to find peace as it fills your gutted out inner self. Let us admire and respect your honesty in the face of all this raw pain which has seared you through and through. I hurt with you. And I can even feel your deadness as I remember that feeling which really is like a non feeling. It singles you out, sets you apart, and it is the loneliest sadness there can be. No one gets it. No one seems to understand. You look around and you feel totally isolated in a black vacuum of grief…..Jackie, just try to choose hope. If you can, start there.
Naomi
December 17th, 2015 at 11:18 PM
Hi
I’ve just found this organisation.
I am feeling very lonely and isolated, my 23 year old son is in hospital for the 3rd time, he refuses to see us and has denied consent to getting information about him from the staff at the hospital – this happened before – I’ve always known he has some problems but he dropped out of University in his 3rd year and was sectioned here in the uk- since then it’s been a huge challenge for myself and family-

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Vicki
December 18th, 2015 at 9:03 AM
Hi I am in the UK too. My son is now sectioned and in hospital for about the 5th time. I am praying this time it helps him but he suffers from Persistent Delusional disorder, personality disorder, Aspergers, ADHD etc. He believes he has tapeworm eating away at his brain and so far the anti psychotics are not helping. Unlike you he does want to see me but all he wants to talk about is the tapeworm and that once he’s dead I will regret not believing him. He has had all the tests and 2 MRIs. The hospital are referring him to a neurosurgeon only to see if he can convince him otherwise. My visits to him are very short as the consultants have told me not to challenge his beliefs and try not to talk about it so when he starts I leave. It takes me 3 hours by car to visit and get home. It’s heartbreaking and all I want is for him to get some help but this belief is so ingrained it is impossible to get through to him. I am visiting him on Monday with his Christmas present and then going to stay with friends for the festive season. I can’t even face putting any decorations up this year. His father has been a total waste of space since he was a baby….he did visit him very occasionally when he was younger but only when I agreed to pay his train fare, which I did. It’s so hard to talk to anyone about his issues- I think they think he bought it on himself by smoking cannabis and legal highs but these things have just exacerbated his situation. He has had delusions since he was a young boy but they were never this intense. My only consolation is that at least he is safe……I hope things get better for you and your son.

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shel
December 18th, 2015 at 9:19 AM
Vicky are u in Kent ??
Vicki
December 19th, 2015 at 2:03 AM
Yes I am. I live in Deal
Sherie
December 21st, 2015 at 10:01 AM
Vicki I live on the outskirts of maidstone .. It’s not a million miles away is it ? I used to live in Hastings .
My son has been doing so well for a few months and now he seems to be slipping .
How mental health round your way ? Are they helpful or do they load it all into the police ? X
Vicki
December 21st, 2015 at 1:39 PM
No it’s not – I went to see my son today – I have had to get the police involved a few times and the ambulance service when he has overdosed or self harmed. It has been easier since he had a support worker and the Crisis Team involved. Anyway he will be in hospital for some time now. I had an extremely positive meeting with the Clinical Psychologist today- she really seems keen to make progress and try to get my son to engage. He was fairly calm today as well.
Sherie
December 22nd, 2015 at 1:53 AM
Hi vicki ,

I’m so glad that he seems fine for you at the moment.
Take my advice and put your feet up and turn your brain off …. While you can.
We really need these times of rest because if your anything like me my thoughts are with my son so much that it barely left me time to live a normal life .
Things do level out and it’s always a relief when they do.
I’m at the stage where we are feeding my son every day because his benefit doesnt stretch but we can cope with this between us.
I’m lucky because my ex plays an important role in his life.

X
Kimmy
December 18th, 2015 at 12:11 PM
Vicki, I am very sorry you and your family is going through this! We understand and all of us can say we feel your pain. It’s very hard to see a son/daughter go through the delusions. To them it’s real. We never bring up the delusions, but he always bring it up. So we just listen or changed the subject. The hospital don’t keep them long enough to get the treatment. My son been section 2 times. They evacuate him, put him on Meds and release him in 6 or 7 days. It’s very sad! Be blessed!
Kimmy
December 18th, 2015 at 5:56 PM
Hello Naomi,
I’m sorry to here that your son is in the hospital for the 3rd time. What is his diagnoses? You might have to go to the court house to get Guardianship over him. I’m not sure how it works in uk though… Be blessed and we know your pain!!

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Mary S
December 19th, 2015 at 7:33 AM
Hi . I have found this site and hope that someone can advise what I should do. My daughter (aged 26) has been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerocis along with she has sever anxiety and panic attacks an has isolated herself completely. She has only left the house a few times in the past year and that was for doctors appointments. She wont take any medication and although she has been advised to speak to psychologist she does it via Skype and cancels appointments frequently. As she is over 18 none of her medical team will speak to me without her permission and she wont give it ! I feel that she is using the symptoms of her MS to avoid facing life and I almost feel she doesn’t want to get better. As then she would have to move forward and live her life albeit in a slightly different way. She spends her days Googling different symptoms and listening to lectures on you tube.
I am at a loss to know what to do and feel really guilty when I ocasionally go out. I have been told to use “tough love” but when I challenge her in any way it has a really negative result and her symptoms of dizziness, walking etc get worse. I haven’t taken a holiday for over 4 years and it is also effecting out marriage. From what I gather her neurologist also feels that most of her problems are stress and anxiety related and has told her to continue with her therapy. She only listens to the advice she wants to hear and if someone ( like her physio tells her some home truths) that’s the end of him and she finds someone else ! I really want to help but find her very manipulative but my heart is breaking watching her waste her life. She complains she feels alone and isolated but she wont even sit with us and watch television or have a meal together. What an earth can I do?

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MominMaine
December 24th, 2015 at 11:48 PM
Go to court and seek guardianship of her hence you make the decisions if you need to.

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Jackie
December 19th, 2015 at 5:34 PM
God help me!!! My 33yr old homeless, schitzophrenic, drug induced, drunk son breached the restraining order for the 3rd time in 12 months last night. I didn’t engage with him as this makes the situation worse, so i rang the police who came and arrested him again. He went to court this morning and guess what? Another fine and let go. I have no doubt in my mind that we will go through the same scenario tonight and go through it all again. My “friends” say just take him back and show him lots of love. But you know what the more love i show him, he sees that as a sign of weakness and his behaviour gets worse and worse, Thankyou for letting me vent it is very cathartic. Stay strong people. The struggle is real.

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GoodTherapy Admin
December 19th, 2015 at 7:53 PM
Dear Jackie,

Thank you for your comment, Jackie. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about emotional abuse at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-emotional-abuse.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

Warm regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team

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Diane
December 20th, 2015 at 5:06 AM
Jackie: I understand so well. We can love our children with all our heart but, it won’t help tame this disease. Mental illness is so complex and baffling to me. My heart goes out to you and your son. I wish a magic wand could take all our troubles away.

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Jackie
December 20th, 2015 at 5:35 PM
Thanks Diane/Evie your understanding is of great value.
With the restraining order, which I had to go to Court and get, it is a life saver for my mental health but it was so hard to take that step. however it is the best thing I have done for myself. yes my son is homeless, but he is not dead which today is a good thing. sometimes I think he would be better off dead, however not today :) He is so clever, he knows he can’t come to my house as I always ring the police, so he has now been going to my mum’s house (she is 82) and has been sneaking in her garage to sleep at night time, knocking on the windows and doors all hours of the night, “gran I need to use the toilet” , “gran I need a shower”. my poor love, my mum tries to be strong and tell him to go away, but because he knows she gives in he keeps it up. We have been to court to try and get a restraining order for her as well, but they say he hasn’t done anything to warrant it. She is always crying because she is old and doesn’t understand that saying no is the only way he can hit rock bottom, she is scared that if she says no, and he goes and commits suicide, she will feel guilty and it would kill her. I stayed with her over this weekend, and we rang the police when he wouldn’t leave, they arrested him again and he went to court yesterday and guess what? same thing a fine and released on bail. I stayed at her house again last night, but he didn’t come back. I did however receive numerous reverse charges phone calls from 9pm to midnight. I finally answered and all he did was abuse me for ringing the police on him. I just hung up.
I really, really don’t know if I am doing the right thing or not. I have tried everything else but I haven’t tried being so tough before. I feel an anger inside me that if I release it, I don’t know what will happen, but for now I am in control for the first time in my life. I know none of the services can help, (I have been doing this for over 25 years, so am going on my gut instinct.) The only people I respect with my whole being is the Police, who have been so fantastic. They are the only ones who can see the issue for what it is and say to me that I am doing the right thing.
I believe my son (who I must tell you – I do love dearly – he is my oldest of 3 other sons) is a gentle soul who doesn’t deal with this world and all the bad things in it. He has given up on seeing the good in life.
I end this with the hope in my soul that this is the right thing but if it isn’t then I will look for something else to try. I won’t give up but will keep the restraining order in place to protect my son from me, hurting him.
Hope you all have a better day than yesterday, or a better day tomorrow.

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Sophie
December 21st, 2015 at 6:36 PM
I am an adult who has adhd, severy anxiety, and depression. I live at home and am grateful for the help.
My mom has always had very little patience with me. Understandably she didn’t always know that what I was going through had a name and also thought maybe I was purposely being the way I was. Unfortunately I suffered upto all day lectures from from her and upto period of time (weeks) of her purposely ignorin me and being angry with anyone who wouldn’t ignore me with her, while simultaneously taking away every single privilege to tge point I would spend hours to weeks alone in my room literally losing my mind.

We have gotten past that. It has permenantly affected who I am, but I understand that she didn’t know how to handle me. I regret losing my mind and not seeking help for my adhd etc earlier.

She says she understands how I am one minute and then gets angry the next. I do admit I interrupt too much, and that I can’t always match thoughts and words properly which can frustrate a normal person. It may not look like it, but I really have been trying to change my interrupting and reactions, but thus so far,I haven’t reached success yet. I swear I don’t do it on purpose, but how is she able to love and understand others in similar situations, yet not even display 1% patience for me. I mo longer seek her love, affection, acceptenice. I’m grateful I have been given shelter, but it’s hard to want to live in this situation. My condition and her intolerance…. When people say there are worse fates than dying….this is it. I wish no harm to her but I need out I’m tired of her unconscious undermining ways. It is one of the biggest obstacles on my path to success. So please love your kids ….it’s a miserable existence, when the sole person chosen to bring you into this world treats you the way my mother treats me. I acknowledge my role in my situation.

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Sherie
December 22nd, 2015 at 2:02 AM
Hi Sophie , I’ve just read this and I really feel for you.
Please seek professional help if you have those thoughts of ending it as they can help you and a good therapist may be able to help you a little more .
I’m sure your mother loves you but I feel that we find these things hard to accept in our perfect children.
Forgetting of course that we all have imperfections … All of us!!!
If your learning how to control your interruptions it’s great , my son seems to be doing the same thing .
Although we find him walking away quite a lot .. That’s how he deals with his thoughts .
Stay strong x

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Diane
December 23rd, 2015 at 12:37 PM
I kind of it a wall today….2 days before Christmas. My 27 year old told me this morning that she is not taking her anti psychotic med after I questioned her when she began talking about the birds trying to tell her something and people at the job she just left constantly staring at her and giving her some sort of hand sign. Sigh! I hate this so much. I went off and took a long walk, stopped to get a holiday milkshake and then came home in tears. Mental illness is so unpredictable and all encompassing. My heart is with all of us who struggle everyday with a mentally ill adult child.

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Sherie
December 23rd, 2015 at 1:50 PM
Diane , I think we all feel like this !! The ups and downs are terrible.
I felt like this yesterday, my son seemingly levelled out about two weeks ago after coming off his meds with doctors permission , we thought he had made it and every now and again he makes no sense , it’s criminal .
He is making our lives hell with his constant demands for money , and then takes it like a thief and says the nastiest things, my ex husband thinks that it’s him ! And this is how he really is , when he wants something he is so nice, you forget how vile he can be.
He’s uncomfortable to be around because you never know when he’s going to raise his voice or just be horrid

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renee
December 24th, 2015 at 6:21 PM
I totally understand…my adult son has spent most of his adult life in jail because he will not stay on his meds. He’s at my house now for Christmas. He was staying with another family member that ended in a argument and him being kicked out. He gets a shot once a month for schizophrenia but stopped his pills because he doesn’t like how they make him feel. I’m remarried now for 2 yrs . My husband has custody of his 8 yr. child and he can not live with us. My ex his “father” doesn’t work and lives with his sister. My son can’t stand his father. Needless to say I’m going crazy over all this. I guess I’ll just divorce my husband and care for my 27 yr. old son that will never make it on his own cause he chooses not to even try. This is a miserable situation when the mentally ill refuse to believe they have a problem. He gets violent too and does bizarre things.
Kimmy
December 24th, 2015 at 9:00 PM
Hi Renee, If your son is being taken to jail because he’s not taking his Meds, then you can asked the judge to have him admitted into a hospital for treatment and that he spend the remainder of his sentence in the hospital because he’s mentally ill and needs help. He don’t need to be in Jail. I pray that God give you and all of us strength to deal with our adult mentally ill children. Merry Christmas and Be Blessed!
Kimmy
December 24th, 2015 at 8:53 PM
HI Sherie, I am curious. Why would his doctor take him off of his meds? I know for my son the Meds help control his delusions. It helps him sleep at night and his mind is clear. When my son ran out of his Meds the beginning of Dec, His delusions became worst. I couldn’t get him to go to the doctor, so he can get his refill, so he was without his Meds for about 2 weeks… We had to do another 10:13 on him to take him to the hospital. He stayed for 7 days. They gave him a prescription. Now he’s on his Meds again and he’s stable. He may talk about the delusions a little, but it’s not bad anymore . We just listen to him and he’ll stop talking about it…. I pray that God give you and all of us strength to deal with our Adult MI children. Merry Christmas and Be Blessed!
Sherie H.
December 25th, 2015 at 3:43 PM
Hi kimmy , my son like everyone else’s adult child on here hated taking meds , and he decided to come off of them about two years ago …it didn’t work .
So about 7 or 8 months ago he went to see his doctor and asked to come off of them but to do it slowly .. He also does the gym every night and volountary, he took himself off with the doctors permission and took them down to two mils really slowly, he’s levelled out and yes we do have problems , but not as bad as before.
We now think it’s behavioural problems , he has no people skills and No job.
But he’s definatly been left with some kind of depression , which he won’t take meds for .
We are taking it one day at a time .
X
Sherie H.
December 26th, 2015 at 3:45 AM
Hi kimmy , just to add .. Weve had years of your son being psychotic but it does seem to have faded over time !! He’s not 100% at the moment but he’s better …
And we still get bad days but there’s an improvement
Kimmy
December 26th, 2015 at 3:01 PM
Hi Sherie,

I am very happy that your son is doing better. God is so good! I pray that one day my son with be able to come off of his Meds. Right now, He can’t come off of his Meds because he was just diagnosed in September of this year. I pray that God gives you peace on those bad days and I pray that you have more good days than bad days! Be blessed!
Sherie h.
December 27th, 2015 at 12:26 PM
I’ve been going through this for a long time and I felt that it was a ray of hope !! So many people tell me that he will be on them for life … But apart from the weird moments, it seems ok at the moment .
X
MominMaine
December 24th, 2015 at 11:42 PM
I feel you all. I have had a horrible physical stomach ache the last few months, fear the phone ringing either it will be my ill son or the police telling me he has died. With no healthcare here he is rarely treated now he is an adult but wants so bad to get better. We were able to spend 5 long years of him moving back home to get him drug free, then last year he started life on his own again but the psyc issues now unmasked by lack of self medicating have become acute, he couldn’t care for himself, nobody will help him, now he is deathly ill from exposure, malnourishment, and has hepC which excacerbated the blood infection he now is in the hospital suffering from. He was near death when I drove two states to take him to an emergency room myself and has had surgery to remove some of the infection. They will just send him back to the street in weeks time so I am desperately trying to find him help. Christmas is just another day.
Sherie H.
December 25th, 2015 at 11:52 AM
Oh I’m so sorry …
Evie
January 6th, 2016 at 7:43 AM
Mom in Maine– How are things going? I’ve had you on my mind.
Sandra C
December 29th, 2015 at 4:03 PM
My darling girl had had trouble since small. Hyperactive snd impossible to distract. Then odd at school unable to get friendship rules so bsdly bullied, self harmed thro stress. Medicated so noises and eg feet wringling didnt drive her to lash out at sibling’s. Was intensely resentful of them. Went to college with emotional backup and even completed her masters. Came home to jobseek,
Grew anger at us for lack of work. Got part time low paid work in right area. Constantly needed our financial backup as learning problem relatds to money .found housesharing hard and lonely. Regularly rang to scold
Me for her problems,.then she stopped that and I was thrilled. At last she’s coping better. But behind it all she’s sttached herself yo extreme isolated religion. Finally the spot her strangenuess refuse her wish to join, so she decides to die now. Rings police accuses the group of child neglect and is asked to be admitted for psch help. She is now tiny as weight has melted off. But I her mom didnt spot it before cos I wanted my dream girl not the reality under my nose !, so terribly neglectful. So ashamed that I missed the flashing red lights.

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Sherie
December 29th, 2015 at 4:19 PM
Please don’t feel bad about your daughter ! we all have similar stories .. .
These kids are driven by money and always blame us for they’d self destruction !! , and because we love them and are human and make mistakes we feel guilty …twice fold because their our children.
We can’t take the blame for the at their lives have turned out … It’s not our fault we are Human and can only do our best.
Evie
December 29th, 2015 at 5:08 PM
Sanda C—In reading your post, I can relate to all you said. Please do your best to avoid becoming railroaded by ideas related to guilt or regret. We love our children and it is the human condition to experience denial. I did this for 3 years, and even now head that direction once in awhile. The ignoring of the red flags was your innermost self trying to protct you from pain. It’s okay. Protection is a good thing. It can slow us down in the acceptance process, but it is no reason to feel ANY guilt. Acceptance is key. But it is a long and rocky road to finally arrive there. Love and peace to you and to all of us as we each bump along.
Sherie h
December 30th, 2015 at 5:48 AM
Your so right ! It’s taken me years to accept my son for how he is !!, it’s almost a relief now though.
X
lesley
December 24th, 2015 at 10:35 AM
Hi I am glad I found this sitell. My son has been diagnosed with mental health problems. He does not live with me because I cannot deal with his violent abusive behaviour. It is Christmas eve he is home alone at his dad’s who has gone away on holiday. I feel guilty that he is on his own but have already had abusive phone calls so I am hiding on my hallway floor so he thinks I am out if he comes round. I am scared of him but hate it that I can’t make him better. now I know I am not the only one out there with a son like mine.

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Sherie H.
December 24th, 2015 at 12:02 PM
My daughter and I have just spent Xmas eve walking on egg shells around my son , unfortunately before we reached the pub where we were all gonna have s nice lunch before Xmas tomoz me and my daughter had a row which made his mood so much worse !! I don’t know if anyone else finds this but my son always seems a little more controlled when he’s eaten a meal ???

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Jackie
December 24th, 2015 at 1:51 PM
Dear Lesley aw honey you are not alone. I am also hiding in my own home on this Christmas morning – crying my eyes out. This is a time of joy, peace, love and happiness and i feel none of this. I feel like the worst mother in the world as i have a restraining order and i ring the police if my son rings or comes to my house and they arrest him for breaching it. I feel so sad that i have to do this but there is nothing i can do to help him. What we are all going through is so heart wrenching it tears out your heart. Please know you are not alone today. I am alone but will chat to you if you want. We are good mums doing the hard yards 💐💐💖💐 when i hide from him i build a cubby house on th floor with pillows and blankets grab a fluffy teddy bear and read a book or listen to soft music and hug that bear.

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lesley
December 25th, 2015 at 2:59 PM
Hi Jackie thank you for your support yesterday. Today have been at my daughters he does not know where she lives so am safe. Just constant ringing on my phone and my daughter and she made me strong by refusing to answer it. I know there will be a fall when I am back at home. Done the same as you last night quilts on the floor with a book until I thought it safe to get up. Take care
Evie
December 24th, 2015 at 3:10 PM
My dear Lesley, my heart goes out to you. Please know that guilt is not an emotion you need to feel and I lovingly ask you to please shake it off. I am visiting with my schizophtenic daughter at this present moment. I am grateful for this adult foster home. I read accounts of those parents who have their mentally ill child with them in the home and I recall the pain of that setup. I still experience pain, but a different type that includes no guilt that my daughter lives where I don’t. She is now free from the temptation to abuse and manipulate me. I used to enable her to rip my heart out. Now my heart is breaking yet able to beat with more love for her, this new young woman who is so hearbreakingly different than before her illness surfaced. I can love and support her from a position that is not under her thumb. That thumb was killing my spirit and who I was as a person. All my friends whom I have met through this site, I reach out to you with hope. May we all choose hope daily as we courageously attempt to look up instead of down. And as we courageoisly keep trying to find new solutions instead of staying under those damaged and damaging thumbs.

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Kimmy
December 24th, 2015 at 8:26 PM
Hi Lesley, My heart goes out to you and the other parents who has an Adult child who’s abusive and violent. I can’t say that I know how y’all feel with that kind of abuse because my 24 year old Sczo son is not abusive nor violent, but I can say I know how you feel when dealing with a mentally ill child who doesn’t want to seek help. My son is on Meds right now and he’s stable, but we(my husband) had a hard time trying to get him to go to our family house on tonight for our Christmas Eve family gathering that we have done since he was born. For Thanksgiving he didn’t want to go anywhere, so I stayed at home with him while my husband and daughter went to the family Thanksgiving dinner. I didn’t want to stay at home on tonight, so we went to our family house without him. I felt guilt for leaving him home, but I just didnt want to stay home on this holiday. My son was just diagnosed in September of this year, so I’m still taking it very hard. I didn’t have a good time. All I can do was think about him….. I know it’s not good to question God, but sometime I wonder why my husband and I have to go through this…. I pray that God give you peace and I pray that God take the abusive and violent side away from your son. I pray that God give all of us strength to deal with our MI children! Merry Christmas and Be Bless!

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Jim R
December 24th, 2015 at 8:19 PM
I thought I would give an update in regards to my son’s mental illness. 2 months ago we had a confrontation which I deemed to escalate if I didn’t call for backup. My son who went 4 years ago went into jail for 2.5 years for assault must have had a breakdown in jail which we noticed and told the board of pardons that really didn’t do anything. After being thrown out a 3 story building and surviving we decided to have our son life with us. So that’s the back story. As 2 years went by we noticed crazy talk as I called it. He was hearing things, seeing things, wanted his 5.2 billion dollars that government was holding for him and the list went on. I begged him multiple times to let me take him to be evaluated but he declined. He said he even went once and they gave him aspirin for his headache. So after talking with his APP officer, who said that they could not force him to have a mental health evaluation but that once I saw the most opportune time to call law enforcement and they would start a pink slip to force mental health evaluation. So I called and they arrested him. Problem was the cops were more interested in charging him for assault and for 1.5 month he never got an evaluation. So I called the prison as that’s were he went back too and found the personnel there very helpful and yet said they were slow moving with 1 physiologist fir 6000 inmates. Well at the 2 month mark he got the eval and it was spot on and they gave him meds. The assault charges were dropped but the board is finally getting the data to see if and how he is doing. Now my sons letters home is as he was 5 years ago. Loving, apologetic, and that he should have listened to my pleas. But he has been finally diagnosed and also receiving meds and dental care.

My son was diagnosis was read to me today. He is not violent, nor aggressive, or angered. He has no desire but to help others the diagnosis goes. But he is highly delusional.

My son has Paraphrenic Schizophrenia and is on the drug Risperidone that takes some time but that he is given daily. He is also on penicillin for is infected tooth and sees the dentist again next week.

So hopefully the board of pardons will release him when he is ready. Now this could all have been avoided but that’s for another conversation.

This country is in a mental health crises and as wealthy as it is, priorities are off base. I can’t tell you how happy and how sad I am but have hope for brighter day. Mental illness is real. It’s genetic and self imposed. It’s real. Nobody really has the answers either. So battle on and fight for your loved ones to get the help

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wendy
December 24th, 2015 at 9:22 PM
Thank you for all the postings. It brings a measure of peace to my wounded heart….I do not have a relationship with my 40 year old son….tried last year but it always deteriorates….I have posted before so I will not repeat my story…I find the even the thought I having to interact with my son brings on a “panic” attack….I was so traumatized by my history with him …from age 14-35…unrelenting stress and crisis…..I have found peace and serenity….and I fiercely
protect myself….there are times when I experience the grief…ie “my heart is made of glass and shatters”…but then I access my inner strength and carry on…..I know I did the best I could do as a mother…and my best was all I could do
wishing all of you a more peaceful New Year

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Evie
December 25th, 2015 at 2:32 PM
Wendy, thank you for sharing. I know what you mean about accessing inner peace to survive. When I find my peace slipping, I stop in my tracks till I get it back. I can’t always explain how I access that inner peace. I guess I just keep going deeper till with God’s help I find it. I have found through trial and error that without peace I am incapable of anything good.

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MominMaine
December 24th, 2015 at 11:34 PM
My adult son has had mental illness since a toddler coupled with drug abuse trying to treat himself. He recently was admitted to a local medical hospital, now out of mental health care and was near death from a bacterial infection. I’m exhausted trying to find him psyc care while there, and his stepfather tonight threatened to leave after 15 years if I don’t forsake my son. I will never give up on my child, he didn’t ask for this.

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renee
December 25th, 2015 at 6:11 PM
I’m exhausted of this mentally and physically. When do we finally say this is enough? If your adult child isn’t willing to stay on their meds?

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Kimmy
December 26th, 2015 at 6:19 AM
Hi Renee, I know you are mentally and physically tired, but this is what my husband and I did when our son wouldn’t go to the doctor and he ran out of meds for 2 weeks. We called the crisis center and they came out to the house to eveluate him and they did a 10-13 to take him back to the hospital. May God bring peace to all of us! Be Blessed!
renee
December 26th, 2015 at 4:52 PM
I’m going to seek counseling for my self on how to deal with this or I’m going to lose it. I’ve dealt with this for 7 yrs now. My son in and out of jail and mental hospitals. Here in the good ol USA when your doing good on your meds your considered competent. I tried to get my son in a group home while he was inpatient and guess what.. the state appointed him a lawyer to help with his rights!!! Which is total crap. I’m remarried now for 2 yrs and I can’t allow my stepchild to be around this. My son gets violent. When I was real father we had to call police multiple times. His father has mental illness his side of the family. Plus my son loves marijuana! I believe his is genetics/drug induced. I love my son and worry about him. I put him in a hotel for 1 week today. He gets ssi monthly. Trying to find him somewhere to rent. This isn’t about me it’s about my son but I’m really ready top move away from this mess so no one can find me.
Kelley
December 27th, 2015 at 2:48 AM
I did the exact same thing. Crisis unit came out, and Took my son to hospital. He was just released on his meds, and although he no longer has the delusions, he seems like a walking zombie. Not sure which is better. At least now he’s actually wanting to go back to work and get back on his feet. Thank god for the crisis unit.
Sherie h.
December 27th, 2015 at 12:22 PM
But is he able to work on his medication !! ? My son used to sleep so much !!.
We’re still having weird days with him but it’s jogging along .
I’m just hoping that he manages to stay off the meds , it’s like walking on egg shells though .
X
Kelley
December 29th, 2015 at 6:26 AM
Not sure if he can work again, also discussing disability. He does need to get out and do something though. He is constantly pacing from the side effects of his meds
Evie
December 25th, 2015 at 6:14 AM
Merry Christmas, friends. Although bittersweet, may we all keep each other going. We can get through the grief we feel about our children. As we feel it, we must not allow it to consume us. We will continue to help each other back up after a fall.

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Kimmy
December 25th, 2015 at 11:03 AM
Merry Christmas Evie, I just love reading your post!! I pray that God give all of us strength on this Christmas Day and many days after this day!! Be blessed!!!

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Evie
December 27th, 2015 at 4:52 AM
Thank you, Kimmy. Your faith is a shining star for me.
Kimmy
December 25th, 2015 at 11:05 AM
Merry Christmas Everyone!!! I pray that God give all of us strength on this Christmas Day and many days after this day!! Be blessed!!!

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Gail R.
December 26th, 2015 at 2:24 AM
I live in South Africa, I cannot find a support group in this country. My daughter has schizophrenia and refuses to take her meds. She recently attacked me violently, then left home. She refuses to speak to me know. I am very worried about her, and it is effecting my own health. Please help.

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Evie
December 26th, 2015 at 1:22 PM
Gail, I honestly do feel your pain. I am not beside you in South Afica, but in a way I AM at your side. Know that you are supported by all of us. In varying degrees and with a few alterations of detail and description, we have been where you are. Actually we are still there. Choose to calm yourself and take care of youself. Breathe in and out and focus on that breathing. Soften into the painful emotions you feel, allow them to be there, and then be open to love and compassion for you in your pain,even if you seem to be the only one sending it to you. Yet we all are. This all may sound trite and inadequate. And it may fall short of what you need. But I do reach out to you and trust you might feel comforted and supported.

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Gail R.
December 26th, 2015 at 11:14 PM
Thank you so much for your reply. I just don’t know how to cope.mi am scared for myself and my daughter. I wish I could get her the help she needs. I also wish I could get her to take her meds.

How do I get through to her that she is ill. She has not accepted that.
Kimmy
December 27th, 2015 at 1:06 PM
Hello Gail, I am very sorry that you are having that same problem like the rest of us. It’s very hard to get a mentally ill adult person to take their Meds and go to the doctor. To them, they are not sick and they don’t need to seek help. My 24 year old son is on his Meds, but we are having a hard time getting him to go see a therapist and Psychiatrist When he ran out of his Meds in the beginning of Dec, We had to call the crisis team on him because he was having really bad delusions. He not violent. The reason he ran out of his Meds is because he hasn’t went to see a Psychiatrist to get his refills. To answer your question, You might have to do a section on her every time until it gets better. You are not alone… We feel your pain! Be blessed and stay strong my sister!
Evie
December 27th, 2015 at 1:39 PM
My dear hurting Gail—As mothers we feel such a pull to care for our children, to give loving advice as needed, to bear their burdens, to fix their injuries. From that first skinned knee to the Junior High peer pressure when they were made to feel inferior. But this time we cannot fix them, nor can we get them to see that they have an illness. If your daughter were to be convinced of that, chances are she wouldn’t have much of an illness. This type of illness is such that a hallmark symptom is their finatic BELIEF in their delusions. You may not yet see the truth in what I want to tell you: It is not your responsibility to convince her of medication need or of her illness. And you cannot fix her. All you can do is support her with your love and know that hopefully the professionals will figure out a plan of care. With each incident that comes up, she will get closer to that occurring. Sometimes it even requires court action. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle, one crooked piece at a time. Choose hope and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Diane
December 28th, 2015 at 5:03 AM
Evie…your words are so true. The image of the jigsaw puzzle resonates. The human mind can be a wonderful or terrible thing. Figuring out how to put the pieces together is so baffling. My 27 year old is constantly telling me she knows the difference between what is real and what isn’t, yet her paranoid beliefs are very real to her. Thank you for your words. They lift me up today.

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Evie
December 28th, 2015 at 11:21 AM
Diane, I feel such a bond and fellowship with all of us who struggle as our hearts continue to ache over our oppressed children. Your words have lifted me as well. I am grateful to you. Any moment that holds hope is such a blessing!…. And sometimes our needed hope is just one where we can simply manage to get through this ongoing struggle one moment at a time.

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Evie
December 29th, 2015 at 7:32 AM
Four “C’s” to remember. We didn’t cause it, we can’t change it, we can’t cure it, and we can’t control it. —- Love and peace to you all.

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Kimmy
December 29th, 2015 at 10:49 AM
Thank you Evie!! Be Blessed!

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renee
December 29th, 2015 at 10:15 PM
I try to remember the 4 “c”s but it’s hard. My 27 yr old is in a hotel that I put him in this week. He is once again non compliant with his meds. I work full time and can not baby sit him. I’m In the medical field and have patients with schizophrenia and they take their meds. I know everyone is different but once again when he was released from the hospital and jail he promised to stay on his meds. He went to jail because of not taking his medication. He would have had better judgment had he been on them. Long story short…I said before that I’m remarried now 2 yrs. My son can’t live here. He was staying with a family member that resulted in him being kicked out due to a argument. Okay here we go this is how it always starts. He gets put out every where he goes then has no where to stay. He gets a shot once a month for his MI. He was also taking rx oral meds daily that he stopped taking. He gets ssi monthly. I told him today please go to your doctor office they will help you fill out applications for housing. He catches the city bus to get around. He didn’t go. I’m worried about him so much and feel like a horrible person that he can’t stay with me. Now remember his father and I were married and my son did live with us. This has been going on since age 18. He’s also lived with his grandparents several times. I’m at the end of my road. All I can do is pray. I prayed to God that if I need to leave my husband and just take care of my son for the rest of his and my life please let me know. Then after I’m dead I have no clue who will take care of him. Another problem is his marijuana abuse. It’s a everyday thing for him which makes his illness worse.

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
December 30th, 2015 at 9:21 AM
Dear Renee,

Thank you for sharing. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. When facing stressful or challenging situations, it can often help to talk to someone. You can find a list of therapists or counselors in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

Kind regards,

The GoodTherapy.org Team
Evie
December 30th, 2015 at 10:18 AM
Renee, I feel your wonderful selfless mother vibes. You are a good person and that is an understatement. You have suffered and you are willing to keep suffering for the sake of your son. Even if you decide that you must not take him into your home, you will suffer our shared grief. HOWEVER, if he lives with you and you give so much that you become known world wide as a super saint, you will still be unable to cure him or change him or control him. I have been exactly where you are. The worst part of it is that there seems to be no solution. It seems that the problem revolves around in crazy unending circles. The reason you are tempted to save him and sacrifice all else in your life is that you think it is the answer. You cannot save him, honey. Oh that I wish it were that easy. A mother usually has little problem with laying down her life for her child. But it won’t change the road he’s on. It is his journey regardless of how ill he may be. When we step in and try to take over the reins,then we stand in the way of our child figuring it out. What the next step is. Even if they take a wrong step. It has to be theirs. Am I making any sense? I would never presume to tell you what to do. Yet I feel compelled to share what I learned the hard way. Also if the psychological health care system where you live finds a way to intervene in his care, that would be a good thing. I have found in this state (Michigan) that the more I do, the less they do. I am 65 yrs old and will not be here forever. The “system” has to get to know my daughter and how best to intervene when she is a danger to herself or others. If this applies to you where you live, then this truth might also apply in showing you not so much what to do but what not to do.
renee
December 30th, 2015 at 4:06 PM
Evie you are totally right and I know and think what your saying the majority of the time. He told me today to just leave him alone and stay out of his life when I asked him to let me take him to the hospital. I know he doesn’t mean it. I believe its MI that made him say that. I’m worried that I’m going to bury my son before I die. Every time he is out of the hospital/jail he goes off his meds. My mother, his grandma and me are not speaking because she thinks Ishould just lay down everything and take care of him. I can not do this and live a healthy life. I had to finally tell her when do i get to live my life?? His sisters both agree with me and lived with it and they know the never ending cycle. Thank you
Evie
December 31st, 2015 at 6:24 AM
Renee, Sending you love and compassion. I believe in you. You will know what to do. Just follow your innermost voice of instinct. There is really no right or wrong. I admire your sincere and true mother’s heart.
Teri T.W.
January 2nd, 2016 at 3:56 AM
Oh my gosh Evie u are so right I am like Renee I want to help my son too and feel I’m all on my own but really need to at least get him medication to take where he knows it will help him, I am going to ring for some help I hope this is a new start for me and him as we say we love him and that’s all we know so our love which is natural is to support him I’m 50 and worry for him wen we pass on xxxxxxxxx please keep in contact although I live in a little country New Zealand I know mental illness is world wide no matter where u live what colour you are what you look like we all go through the battles with a child with a mental illness I’m sure you’s live on other side of the world but through technology it’s like u live down the road I wish I could come to you now and just talk a while thank you for this page xxxxxxx Happy new year
Evie
January 2nd, 2016 at 7:11 PM
Teri T.W.— I am honored to meet you and be a part of our support for each other. We will all get through this. One moment, one day, one New Year at a time. Love and peace, Evie.
Jsmom
January 3rd, 2016 at 8:40 PM
Thank you…..your words…..I need them to haunt me. I’ll being seeing my son this week…another attempt at helping him.
Sunday
December 30th, 2015 at 2:32 PM
I’m so sorry Renee, it does feel good knowing I’m not alone though. Thank you for sharing. I shared my story also
Cricket
October 26th, 2019 at 9:40 PM
Evie, thank you for this reminder.

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Sunday
December 30th, 2015 at 2:28 PM
Give Me Strength!
It’s been tough to say the least. I believe my 23 yr old daughter has a mental illness. Her behavior is like she is on drugs but having been there roughly at same age and knowing Hayli attitude going through her teenage years. This is no different. I don’t believe she is on drugs but addictive personality disorder manic depressive bipolar suicidal. She recently was put in a psych ward (not very good one) for posting on fb she wanted to die. Which at the time had cps case open thankfully Kaiya was with me at the time. Well the case closed but her poor decision making caused them to reopen another case with her poor choice in friends well her friend had taken Kaiya in car and pulled over she was drunk. Hayli said she was asleep and wasn’t aware Lauren had taken her. CPS placed Kaiya with me now. I have her for a year. But with this happening has sent Hayli in a downward spiral. I feel I’m either going to get a knock on the door telling me she is dead. Its a horrible feeling. She won’t get help. She was evicted from her apartment she can not come here because she is not safe for Kaiya, orders of cps. I feel helpless because she is an adult I can’t put her in hospital.. Everyday she is calling haunting me with her DRAMA. yesterday she was supposed to visit Kaiya but instead she chose to argue fight threaten to kill herself I was told she she is cutting herself by her Boyfriend whom she was arguing with because he wanted to break up with her. All day the calls and texts went on for me till 3pm. Then nothing… I texted her at 730 and she said she was fine they were at his parents eating. And she wouldn’t let me put her away.
Its rediclous it’s heartbreaking because I truly feel I’m going to get a knock on the door real soon. Terrifying when you can’t help your daughter. And at same time you are responsible for raising her baby. Looking how her life going I’m so afraid and have to wonder what cps is thinking placing Kaiya with me seeing how her mom is.

Sunday

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Evie
December 31st, 2015 at 10:14 AM
Sunday, if you live in the US you might be able to call the police and have them go assess her. If they feel the need, they can take her to the hospital against her will for assessment. That’s how I got my daughter in the first time. The worse their mental state is, the more likely they will be admitted by this method. So if your daughter becomes worse than ever, this might actually pay off for her getting care. I always search for reasons to see how their worsening state can be viewed with hope. I try to find rays of hope to help us parents get through this and to choose hope that our children might at least keep from dying. My daughter has attempted suicide 3 times. Yet she still lives and I’m GRATEFUL. I know what it feels to worry my child will die before I do. It cuts like a knife.

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Amy W.
December 30th, 2015 at 2:34 PM
I have not posted in a while, but I am feeling so hopeless right now. My 33 year old son, Dan, has had multiple diagnoses from a brain injury to lymes and OCD and it is probably all three and more. In any case, he is going through such a horrible time where he does nothing, but stay in bed and watch TV and on some days, I handle it well and on some days, I get so depressed. He has had successes from alternative treatments like hyperbaric treatments that lead me to think that he has definite inflammation in his brain. He had SPECT scans that show that he does not have good circulation to his brain so I know that on some level this is true. I have devoted myself to helping him and have tried so many things and have seen remissions where he has no symptoms and tried to get his live together and then treatments fail. I feel like the only person who lives with someone who suffers like this. I am remarried, but the burden is on me and today, I feel so sad. I do not need answers of what to do- I hjust would love some support from someone who knows how awful watching suffering can be.

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Betty
December 31st, 2015 at 2:46 PM
Dear Amy
I just want to tell you you’re not alone. And that its just so painful and stressful for us. I wish I had something to offer but as you know, it is something to be endured, I hope you can find some peace and that your son’s symptoms once again go into remission.
Betty

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Evie
December 31st, 2015 at 3:17 PM
Amy W— I am saddened to learn of how hopeless you are feeling. My daughter lived with me for fifteen months and you have been tortured much longer. I still carry the brunt of watching my daughter suffer when I am with her during visits and knowing she is suffering when we are apart. Her former friends, siblings and stepfather detached from the siutuation long before she ended up in an adult foster home. I still hurt with her. She has lost everything including her very self. Yet I am fortunate to be less directly involved with her daily needs and continued suffering. I wish her delusions could be happy ones. They are not. She never leaves my mind and heart. I reach out to you across the miles to let you know that I hear you and relate to your ongoing despair. I guess that is all I have to give you. To tell you I care and will keep you in my prayers. And I will keep you in my thoughts that hold hope for your peace of mind. I hope you will experience even small victories that give you some light within. That you will have even small signs that somehow the status quo of your son might improve. That your inner self will feel stronger and more at ease as we keep putting one foot in front of the other. We have to this and we will support each other as we do.

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renee
January 2nd, 2016 at 6:48 PM
How do I find a adult foster home where I live in usa…west Virginia??
Evie
January 4th, 2016 at 10:38 AM
Renee, I just saw your Jan 2nd post question (must have missed it earlier) about how to find an adult foster home. I am under the impression that each county of the states vary in the type of group homes available and their rules about how to qualify to live in one. At least in Michigan this seems to be true. I would suggest to start making phone calls and asking questions. I learned through trial and error. My daughter’s adult foster home’s 24 hour staff keeps and administers her meds and oversees meals and hygiene. It is limited but has been a godsend. Prior to this she had worked with social service and was assisted to get on Medicaid which initially paid for this. Now her SSI has gone through which may or may not change how the cost of the home is paid for. She refuses to apply for disability since she insists she is not disabled. She has been fired from her last 4 jobs due to various reasons related to her bizarre delusions which of course are not delusions to her.
Lizzie
January 1st, 2016 at 7:04 AM
Phew I am mentally exhausted my daughtet 36 undiagnosed bipolar am so tired of wAlking on egg shells , spoke to he doctor who was happy to refer her after I discussed symptoms , that was months ago she refused saying she dies not have it , a baby now on the way so two to worry about . Am working so hard and long to support her house food mortgage heating whilst running my house too , I long ago stopped hoping she would improve as I now know without help this won’t happen . What a mess

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Medication
January 2nd, 2016 at 12:58 PM
Hello everyone! We are all in the same boat it seems. Limited solutions yet always optimistic ! What meds are best for Schezophrinia ? I see so many doctors guessing. I need results for my son. Thank you and battle on! Jim

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Sherie H.
January 3rd, 2016 at 3:58 AM
My son went through all of the meds and found alanzapine to be the best one , side affect was weight gain. But the less alanzapine he took the less weight he gained. Respiridon made him suicidal. But we had to go through them to see which one suited. He’s come off now.

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Evie
January 3rd, 2016 at 9:48 AM
(Medication) Dear Jim–Yes, the doctors resort to what appears to be guess work. It can be baffling and discouraging, requiring much patience deep inside who you are. The drugs work differently on each person and it is basically trial and error. Hang in there. Just keep traveling this road with us. There will be signposts along the way as you route your course. Whenever they start your son on a med that seems ineffectual, well at least you find what doesn’t work. Also most of the time, according to my research and experience with other parents, the delusions of a schizophrenic don’t disappear. The delusions may have a less obvious or dramatic control over the medicated person. I was told by one psychologist that the delusions are as real as the air they breathe and that they are all that the individual has left. That they are like best friends to that person. Yet the meds usually afford more manageability of the person and help with overall safety. You do hear of schizophrenics who accept their illness and become productive citizens who even end up being advocates for mental health awareness. This would be my goal for all our struggling children. Yet acceptance precedes all. And I have learned to have no expectations.

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Kimmy
January 3rd, 2016 at 2:41 PM
Jim, Evie is right about each individual person. Although, my son is on Meds . His delusions have not just went away. In my post, I said the Meds helps control his delusions. He’s calm, but He may talk about the delusions on today, but the next 2 days he may not say anything about his delusions. Today he may not want to take his Meds because he said he’s not sick and don’t need his medication, but tmw he will take his Meds. Since he has came from the hospital on Dec 6. He has been taking them, but it can change within a drop of a hat…It is a roller coaster ride… God be with us all! Be blessed!
Kimmy
January 3rd, 2016 at 11:19 AM
Hello Medication,

My son is on ( Rispidone 2mg )twice a day. Once in the morning and once at night. And he takes Benztropine for the side effects. It works very well and it helps control his delusions. He’s calm and it doesn’t make him like a zombie…He’s has never been violent or abusvie. The only problem we have is getting him to go to the doctor now… Be blessed!

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renee
January 2nd, 2016 at 6:39 PM
Update on my son with schizophrenia…he’s been staying in a motel for one week…off his meds again. He receives ssi to help with money. The desk clerk called me and said she’s worried about him. He was standing in the middle of a busy intersection staring at the sky, if he’s outside his room and other people walk by he runs inside his room and slams the door, he opened he’s door while totally nude, he ran out in the parking lot in his boxers only. I called 911 the deputy and paramedics met me at the motel. They asked that I stay in the car while they talk to him. They came back to my car and said they can’t take him against his will to the hospital because he’s not suicidal and answered some simple questions. They all said is he out of his right now yes clearly he is. The deputy went in his motel room. The commode is full of trash, his clothes were laying in the bathtub filled up with water, the sink was running too. So I tried to talk him into going and he became angry at me. My husband and myself is willing to let him come here for a few months to help him get on his feet. But not until he takes his meds. I have a 8 yr old stepson that we have full custody over. I can’t allow him to see and grow thru what I know will happen with my son when he’s not medicated. So I told him go to his doctor Monday and tell her you need help. It hurts me to no end knowing that it’s cold out and he’ll run out of money for the month here soon. But I’m so tired of the stress. Is he homeless will he end up back in jail? What now. My health is being affected too my blood pressure high at work almost passed out. Doctor said it’s stress related and suggested that I increase my antidepressant that I had to get on because of these problems. I have prayed to God to give it to him because I can’t anymore. Right now I have my 2 granddaughters here for the night and can’t even enjoy them because he’s constantly on my mind. I want to call and check on him but I’m trying not to.

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Diane
January 2nd, 2016 at 9:51 PM
My heart goes out to you. My 27 year old with schizophrenia is living with me and it is very stressful. She is non med compliant. I can see another psychotic episode coming as her symptoms are returning. I just read “I’m not sick. I don’t need help” which has good advice on communicating with a mentally ill person. I have no other advice. It gets harder and harder.

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Kimmy
January 5th, 2016 at 12:32 PM
Hello Diane,

I hope all is well! You are not alone! My son had an appointment on today. He didn’t not go because he said he don’t need to take Meds nor go to the doctor. He only have 1 day of Meds left. How is your daughter? May God continue to give us strength! Be bless!
Sherie H.
January 3rd, 2016 at 4:02 AM
You’re just struggling to live a normal life !! It’s so unfair .

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Evie
January 3rd, 2016 at 9:19 AM
Renee, I am not in any position, regarding wisdom or psych related professional knowledge. But I can share the plans that partly worked in my case. I found out what to do in my state, which papers to fill out, etc that enabled a judge to court order a psych hospital assessment type admission. The 3 times this occurred my daughter refused treatment and then was probated where it became the law of the state that she comply with meds and plan of care. When the court let the probate to lapse, I repeated the process. That old saying: “A squeaky wheel gets the grease.” Keep squeaking. And keep regrouping to usher in a calm spirit……I know your pain. I feel your life.–Evie.

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Kelley
January 8th, 2016 at 5:41 AM
I so agree about the squeaky wheel! After calling and calling, I was able to do the same for my son. He was released from the hospital after 10 days, and is probated for the next 3 months. He is doing really well on his new meds, and he knows that if he relapses he goes right back to the hospital. I live in Ohio, but I would think every state has this probate program.
Evie
January 8th, 2016 at 9:38 AM
I rejoice with you, Kelley! I am very proud of you that you were persistent. Not an easy thing to do. The first time I resorted to court action in probating my daughter it was such a scary deal. With experience it becomes less traumatic. I only wish the probate could be extended when that option comes up, but at least my daughter knows I can go back to court if she refuses her meds or refuses nutrition and fluids. I am grateful to you for that reminder!
Kelley
January 8th, 2016 at 10:07 AM
I have been very fortunate, I’ve only had to deal with this for 2 years, but this last time has made my son realize that he’s had this problem, bipolar 1, for a,long time, but never realized what was wrong with him. Those 2 years were heartbreaking, something we all can relate to. Persistence paid off for me, but as I’ve said before, I kept a written diary of everything that happened, every police report, ever writing he made, all of those are extremely helpful when trying to get your child evaluated.
Kimmy
January 8th, 2016 at 11:42 AM
Hello Kelley,

I’m glad your son is doing well. I know that with medication and counseling they will do just fine. My son does well when on his meds. The only problem we have is getting him to a doctor for his Meds. He takes his Meds, but want go to a doctors, so we have to have him admitted 10-13 due to non compliance. My question is for anyone who can answer. Can I take him to the local ER for non compliance? And will they admitted him? Be blessed!
Evie
January 8th, 2016 at 4:21 PM
Kimmy, in answer to your question, in my experience with my daughter, one time they admitted her to the psych ward through the ER, and another time they didn’t and sent her home. In both cases it seemed to depend on how mentally off she acted to the nurse who happened to be on duty.
Kimmy
January 9th, 2016 at 1:35 PM
Thanks for replying Evie! I love your support you have for us on this site! I think everyone respect and listen to your advice because you have dealt with this longer than most of us and you have been where we are.. Yes, The 2 times that he has been to admitted his delusions was bad. I don’t want to wait until he have another relapse before I take him to the ER. I was hoping that they will admit him before it happen again because he’s non compliance. I live in GA and I’m learning most of the laws on mentally ill. God bless us all! Be bless!
Lorie
January 7th, 2016 at 4:05 PM
I have just discovered this thread. So much of what I have read mirrors exactly what we are going through with our 40 year old daughter. My heart is constantly broken. Prayer helps ease the pain and I am thankful for the honest sharing on this site. I don’t want to lose hope but some days are so hard.

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Jsmom
January 7th, 2016 at 6:30 PM
My son went into the hospital yesterday on a 72 hour watch…..

Evie……I’m trying to hold into your words. Jason is 25.

Prayers to all who read this.

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Evie
January 8th, 2016 at 4:17 AM
My dear brave Jsmom– Thank you for your prayers. We all support each other. The 72 hour watch is a type of building block. It seems inadequate but it is all you can do at this point. The first time I did that to get my daughter hospitalized was hard for me. I feared her anger and unlove toward me. That was April of 2013. The changes since then! She is lost yet alive. I have become stronger and resourceful in finding personal peace. This online support group has also been a blessed help. We all place each building block together. Shared painful struggle. Shared love and hope. May you find all the strength you need.

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Diane
January 8th, 2016 at 12:21 PM
I read all the posts and admire the strength you all have to advocate for your adult children. I admit I have no strength or energy left to tackle any of the problems related to my 27 year old’s mental illness. I am nearing age 72 and have raised 2 generations of children and find now I must do everything in my power to take care of me. Yesterday I laid down the law that she could not spend any more time lying on my couch 24/7 . It did not go well and there were many irrational comments made. But, I did notice she got up, showered and got dressed. Sometimes it all looks so bleak. I have been through years of therapy relayed to family issues and just want a peaceful life now.it’s all so exhausting sometimes.

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Diana
January 9th, 2016 at 7:41 PM
Thanks Diane,
I too am up in years(63) , and I am out of strength and so exhausted. My 35 yr old daughter who is bipolar and agoraphobic. She has come back home 7 + times….sometimes for years at a time. She takes her meds but several dr have given her different diagnosis. In any case, I’m TIRED! I want some peace now. She lives 45 mins away now….but it’s still very stressful. She has no friends , never married or has no children and does not drive! Family member are afraid of her and dropped out of sight a long time ago. Totally alone. Which sucks me in cause i know it’s On Me. Recently , I decided to see a therapist ,who is helping me relax. It’s hard. It’s like I’ve been dealing so long that I have PTSD now! Thanks for saying how weary you have gotten. I feel the same way.

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Evie
January 10th, 2016 at 10:50 AM
Dear courageous Diane, I applaud how you set boundaries! It takes years to learn that. We all have been manipulated by irrational comments. And you stood your ground. It has been my experience that irrational comments abound regardless of whatever approach I try. Nothing “works” and it seems that the beat goes on despite all my best past efforts to walk on eggshells. I have come to the conclusion that nothing I say or don’t say will ward off my daughter’s drama and oppression. So when you were in the heat of the moment and thought things weren’t going well, that is because in our position we are not afforded the luxury of things seeming to go well. Yet things are not always as they seem. You ended up with a victory however small.

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Evie
January 10th, 2016 at 4:48 AM
My dear Kimmy, Diane, Diana, and all of my kindred hurting beloved friends: May we all somehow learn to pace ourselves on this journey which goes on and on relentlessly. And may we learn to not take on more than we reasonably can. To realize there are no exact right or wrong “solutions” (is there realistically any sole solution to this madness? No wonder we feel half crazed ourselves). The illness of our children has isolated them on a cold, barren rocky island. We find ourselves in that precarious solitary position where our outstretched arms become so weary. Down to our very souls. May we not lose heart as we face each new dilemma with chosen hope. NO EXPECTATIONS, no guilt. No unbalanced idea that we alone bear the burden of any foreseen or unseen outcome. Opening to God’s light to send a specific Ray within each of us, depending on each of our needs. To search and reach so deep, right down into the depths of despair. Bringing renewed strength and focused purpose as to what the next step might be.

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Kimmy
January 11th, 2016 at 9:58 AM
Gm Evie, Thank you for your uplifting words of wisdom! I thank God everyday for allowing me to find this website. It breaks my heart to see so many parents going through the same thing with their Adult MI child. In September, When my son had his first psychotic break, My husband, daughter and I didn’t know what was going on, but we knew that the things our son was saying wasn’t real and we needed to get some help for him. It breaks my heart to see him go through this. It would be easier if he would recognize that he is sick. God be with us all! Be blessed!

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Mary J
July 7th, 2016 at 9:12 AM
Bi Polar 11 Girl, I wish I had the wisdom and power to make you feel better. I do see strength in your ability to understand and admit that you have an illness and in your concern for your parents. As the mother of a mentally ill adult, I want nothing more than for her to find peace and I wish the same for you. From the bottom of my heart, I wish you well.

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Diane
January 10th, 2016 at 5:24 AM
Thanks Diana….I have a daily self care routine that includes 3rd age yoga, walking and meditation and in the summer swimming. Without it I’d be lost. Be even so, some days I just do not want to cook, clean or think about real life at all. If I want to take a vacation I would need to hire someone to stay in my home as a sitter and cannot afford it. It has taken me 10 years to get over losing everything in Hurricane Katrina and I would really like some time to live without constant stress. I appreciate knowing you have the same feelings.

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Diane
January 10th, 2016 at 2:16 PM
Thank you Evie for your uplifting words. I want to say since I gave my ultimatum my 27 year old has gotten up each morning, showered, dressed and taken off to who knows where. She is gone for most of the day and returns around dinnertime. So that is progress in some small way, I think. Weekends seem to be my time of feeling really down as they are traditionally family time, but I will rally tomorrow and get back into the world. I really appreiciate knowing we are all together in this.

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Jsmom
January 10th, 2016 at 8:22 PM
Thank you Evie for your wisdom.

The hospital let my son go earlier than the 72 hours because he was uncooperative and he is now in a temporary shelter…things are hour to hour. My son now wants nothing todo with me because I had him hospitized. It feels like losing my son to hopefully save my son.

It is good to hear many talk about being tired…..I am….and weak. My entire life I’ve had family that affect me or else I supported them. I feel like I’ve been juggling forever. What happens if I’m weak—and I drop a ball…..this is the first place where I can say….I’m afraid of no longer being strong…..it feels like water in my lungs now.

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Sherie
January 11th, 2016 at 9:55 AM
Hi Erin ,
The one thing that always comes through on these comments are that our kids don’t forgive us !! I had it again with my son today trying to make me feel like the worlds worst mother !! When is all we ever do is try to help and protect them !! This is a hard road that we’re all travelling and I feel that they’re are a lot of parents on here that have it way harder than I do now .
Where would they be if we decided to walk away from them when they’re being a abusive/ aggressive or just downright rude.
I still find things with my son hard to swallow.. Eg today at the meal table … Out of nowhere he tells me not to stare at his food and don’t ask any questions !!?! I’m supposed to sit opposite him looking silently at the ceiling .
I despair .. But I really feel for you.
Your not a bad person , your a mum being a mum . X

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Evie
January 11th, 2016 at 10:33 AM
My dear hurting Jsmom–Let us give your situation the ok for your son to be angry with you. I almost let my daughter die 3 years because I feared the loss of her love toward me. And yes she was angry and wouldn’t speak to me but I forged ahead in taking tiny steps in tough love despite my opposite nature. I am forever reminding myself to not take her behavior and attitude toward me personally. One good thing is that your son is getting a proven in hospital history (his being uncooperative and irrational) which later can be built upon regarding his being probated and the like. As far as dropping the ball, let’s give this situation permission for that to happen as well. All you have to do is breathe, be, and know that the situation is not one that can be controlled by you. Later you can follow your deepest instincts to do the next thing, whatever that next thing might be. Often this might be wait and see (and what can be worse than waiting). It is a very natural thing to become very weak in the face of this torture of a mother’s heart. It feels like death. Please keep writing to us. We feel your pain and as has been said before, we are all in this together.

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Kimmy
January 16th, 2016 at 4:54 PM
Hello Evie,

I thought about this post as I was at the crisis center on today. My son said things to me that he has NEVER said to me before. He told me that he hate me. He said I was trying to put him in the hospital for nothing. I cried like a baby because he has never talked to me that way. I remember the words of advice that you posted on the other day. I know that’s not him talking to me like that. It’s the disorder that make him behave that way, but it HURTS bad! 😢😢 Be blessed!
Shel
January 17th, 2016 at 1:41 AM
I think I’ve just got used to being insulted / humiliated in front of people and shouted at when least expecting it.
The blame game continues for me .. He’s levelled out and seems better off his meds than on , but the mental illness continues ! He’s found s way of joking sarcastically about my erratic behaviour and the torture of making him take what should be my time in hospital …. Thankfully my ex , his dad and sister back me , or I would Proberbly doubt myself.
Kimmy
January 17th, 2016 at 1:33 PM
Shel, This is what I’m hearing from my son. He said ” I am not sick, you’re the one thats sick and you need to go to the hospital” He told me he didn’t care if he live or die. I took him to the hospital and a walkin crisis center and because they didn’t hear him say it. They wouldn’t do a 10-13 on him, so I’m going to have to wait until Tuesday. Go to the court house to have them do a 10-13 on him. This is so hard! God give us strength! Be blessed!🙏🏽
Shel
July 7th, 2016 at 9:55 AM
Hi kimmy , he’s been quite good since that psychotic episode up until last week when he borrowed money from all of us and had 12 pairs of trousers altered for £130 all of our money !!.
Now he’s claiming that he’s owed it !
We are going to have to form a tight circle and say no !!!
The biggest problem will be with no money comes stress .. But I can’t keep working for him to run around spending like a man with no hands .
My thoughts are with everyone on here. Bless you all
Evie
January 17th, 2016 at 5:14 AM
My dear hurting brave Kimmy, I am grateful that something I said could help a tiny bit. When my daughter’s eyes took on that lazer look, and she launched into hate mode, I told myself that if she had cancer and was having pain and weakness, I wouldn’t have my feelings hurt. In other words, I wouldn’t take her symptoms personally. It took about two and a half years for her to stop being angry at me. I think your son will stop being angry over time. His attitude will change, yet will never be one that seems normal to us and he will always think he is right and you are wrong (but this is from my perspective with my situation)… Also, when a two year old child has a dangerous item removed from his hand, he screams and doesn’t see how his safety is being maintained. It kind of applies. We can love our mentally ill child yet we cannot reason with them. I know, at least in my case, the mentally ill child is incapable of reason. His or her brain just can’t pull it off. The delusions in the ill brain scream louder than reason. My frustration is often heightened because I just keep trying over and over to reason with my daughter. I am going to try to stop doing this…..
I support you in your painful struggle through this. I send love and the hope of peace.
Diane
January 17th, 2016 at 12:08 PM
Oh Evie you hit the nail on the head! Reasoning with mental illness does not work. I find it much better just to make statements such as “You need to keep your room clean. You cannot sleep on the couch 24/7.” The mentally ill brain cannot reason and if I try to reason I end up utterly confused by listening to irrational comments.

Thank you for the reminder.
Kimmy
January 17th, 2016 at 1:35 PM
Thanks Evie, How is Mary doing? God please give us strength! Be blessed🙏🏽
Kimmy
January 11th, 2016 at 11:08 AM
Hi jsmom!

Iam very sorry to hear that you’re having a trying time with your son! All of us feel your pain.You are not alone! I am mentally weak as we speak. I pray that God gives us all strength! Be blessed!

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Diane
January 11th, 2016 at 12:27 PM
Sherie…your son’s comments about you staring at his food sound exactly like what my 27 year old granddaughter might say. So irrational and confusing. Yesterday she came in and her first comment was, “So I’ve just been a social experiment all my life?” I couldn’t even respond. Life is so surreal living with a person with mental illness. It takes a toll on all of us.

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Shel
January 11th, 2016 at 4:25 PM
Diane , my sons actually been better off his meds !!! He’s levelled out now and although he’s still saying weird stuff he’s better and has lost weight as well.
We think that he’s lost his people skills and needs us to keep telling him that he’s thinking wrongly .. So that what we’re gonna start doing.
It’s so uncomfortable around him cos he makes you feel like crap.
Half way through a chat he will just suddenly bite my head off for asking questions .???
I just don’t know what to think !!! This is not the way I planned spending the end of my life … Worrying about him.
X

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Jsmom
January 12th, 2016 at 12:00 PM
Thank you so much Evie….

All of this feels so cruel…..and everyone is wearing cruel boots trying to walk through their days.

What you say…about letting it be right now as it is……I find myself getting angry at God…..for doing this to my son….to all of our children …..to all who are valnerable. …what purpose would there be?
I see the path my son is on, he’s been on it for 10 years…..

My daughter, her husband and our grandson are coming for the weekend….that is a nice thing.

Please Evie have some beatiful bits in your day……know you do that for others.

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Evie
January 12th, 2016 at 2:51 PM
Dear honest wonderful Jsmom– I am grateful for you showing up in my life. Your kind words break my heart in a good way. I wanted to say that in my thinking it is fine for you to be angry at God. It is honest anger. You are showing Him your heart that needs healing and He will be with you as you learn the whats of all this. Yet not the whys. My daughter’s fomer fiance keeps wanting to know why he had to fall in love with a girl who surfaced with schizophrenia at age 27. I told him that he can only know the what. That it is what happened. The why of it can’t be known. For me it makes it a bit more simple. I just have to get through the whats. And we are all helping each other do just that.

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Kay
January 13th, 2016 at 6:53 AM
I’ve read most of all the amazing, courageous and strong messages and comments all you wonderful ladies have written. I see that you all are very strong, and have dealt with a lot for a very long time. This message is not about me, it’s about my best friend. She is 31 years old, has an 11 year old who has autism, but it’s only, I guess you could say, “borderline autistic” (you barely notice it). He has ADHD, and he also takes antipsychotic meds. She also has a 9 year old son, who has never been diagnosed with anything, but he gets out of hand a lot. The 11 year old seems to be calming down a bit, but he has outbursts of rage and fits. It got so bad one time, he hit my best friend in the face, and she had to call my husband down to get him away from her cause she was so petrified. He’s been suspended from school, I think 3 times for first fighting, since school started in September. She has thought about putting him in residential quite a few times, but every time it came down to take him, she couldn’t do it. I understands, well, not really, but I’m a mother, and I don’t know if I could ever go through with it either. Her 9 year old is usually okay, but he does get out of hand a lot as well, even to the point where he exposed himself at school, (just recently happened) and she had to take him for a psych evaluation before he was permitted back in. He has been suspended once or twice, as well. She is a nurse and she works A LOT, sometimes I think it’s because of all this, but she’s also a single mom and I know she also works to get everything her family needs and wants. She’s always so stressed and tired, I hate watching this all happen. I thought about talking to her about working less, being home with the kids more, but like I’ve said, being a single mom with a mortgage, plus all other bills, is a lot. I also talked to her about getting them out more. Maybe some kind of kickboxing for the aggression, at least. They are in basketball, but that’s once a week for one hour. If they’re not in school, they’re home playing video games, or watching YouTube channels and whatnot, and every Monday, they have religion class. Her dad recently moved in, and I was over her house last night when she was working, and the way them kids talk to him and act.. They yell and call him names, however, they do joke with him, too, but not as much as they give him stress. He’s in his 70’s, not in very good health, I’m afraid stress may get the best of him, as well. I found this site, looking for an answer to a professional term, for a man, (He’s not a therapist) that comes to her house, he’s supposed to be there to help them with the 11 year old, but he does nothing but sit on the couch and tell the kids to stop, (they don’t listen) if they’re beating the crap out of one another, then goes back to whatever he’s doing, which is usually watching tv. This man gets a paycheck FOR THAT!?! I could do a better job. If I get involved when one or both are acting up, they honestly calm down (at least for a few minutes). I just need some advice for my friend.. I know some of you have been going through different (maybe similar in some ways) situations, and maybe have some kind of advice or guidance to lead me in the right direction to help. I love her and her family, and want to help. Please, if you have any suggestions, or anything to say at all, I’m open to anything.

Thank you so much. Love and prayers to all of you, and hopefully brighter days ahead. xxx,
Kay

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Evie
January 13th, 2016 at 9:25 AM
Dear compassionate Kay, I have heard wonderful, positive comments about a parenting class type of organization called Love and Logic. There are free meetings at churches and such. You are a caring woman and I certainly admire your willingness and motivation to be involved and proactive! That is love in action. You make a difference in this world, my dear lady.

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Evie
January 13th, 2016 at 7:59 AM
Dear friends–Looks like I will need to follow my own advice and stop in my tracks till I absorb some peace. My thoughts are chasing themselves in circles, and I know you all have been there. Mary’s delusional goals are scary at best. All her beliefs point her in the direction of bodily neglect and damage, emotional despair, mental oppression, enforced self persecution and even death. I hear all the “if this happens then that might happen” ideas in my head. I have my work cut out for me to willfully stop my fretting and exhale.

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Shel
January 13th, 2016 at 8:57 AM
Hi Evie ,
I’ve started walking my neighbours dog every day in the countryside .. Fresh air does it for me .
I’m gonna try medication as well.
Don’t forget enrolment in the local gym would help your girl.
They call it wellness in England . X

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Shel
January 13th, 2016 at 8:58 AM
Evie .. That was ment to say meditation not medication .. Lol

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Evie
January 13th, 2016 at 12:46 PM
Shel, Thank you for the ideas! Also enjoyed the laugh.
Diane
January 13th, 2016 at 2:55 PM
So sorry you are invited middle of it all. It’s so exhausting. I agree that mediation can help enormously. I follow Deepak’s Chopra’s wise words and meditations. It has done wonders for me.

We have had a few good days recently for which I am extremely grateful.

Sending wishes to you and your daughter for mire peaceful days.

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Evie
January 13th, 2016 at 4:59 PM
Diane, Thank you so much for your thoughtful support! I’ve read some of his works and will look up his material again. I had one of his books that I lost when we moved but will get another one.
renee
January 14th, 2016 at 6:01 AM
I believe that any mental illness whether it be anxiety, depression or schizophrenia is demonic. It’s Satan trying to destroy the person afflicted with it and the family. I praise Jesus and plead the blood of Jesus over my son. I rebuke Satan in the name of Jesus Christ. This is my testimony before the Lord my savior and all of you.

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Kimmy
January 14th, 2016 at 10:20 AM
Renee, In Jesus name AMEN!

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Evie
January 14th, 2016 at 6:02 AM
My dear friends– I hope I’m not being a blog hog. Too many entries by me. I have to talk though. I will feel more peace after talking to you all who understand! When I say there is no one else with whom to talk about Mary, it is no exaggeration. Fairly recently I found out another of her higher power’s requirements (her delusional higher power is higher than God). She has been called by this higher power to usher in world peace. To stop the terrorist activities. This is to be accomplished by her taking a life. Hers or someone else’s. If it is someone else that dies willingly by her hannd, then her imprisonment would be the alternate solution to prevent thousands of deaths. Well, I got through all this. I still had managed to find inner peace. But then more recently she started having her menses again after none for 2 years due to near starvation. Now she takes this as a sign to have a baby. We all know how easy it would be for her to pull this off. She’s a beautiful 30 yr old woman and has no guardian, having the freedom to walk to a bar from the adult foster home to find a man to impregnate her. This is her right, eh?! I feel it becoming more difficult for me to accept this latest twist in the twisted status quo.

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Kimmy
January 14th, 2016 at 10:14 AM
A www Evie! You are not being a blog hog. Nor are you posting to much. Us parents come to this blog to vent to other parents that understands and don’t judge. You are always uplifting us even though your going through similar situations. I know that you are very hurt by Mary’s new delusion. I pray that God gives you strength to deal with yet another situation. It sadden me that our children have to go through this MI. And the parents are under a lot of stress because they don’t want to see or hear that their MI kids have killed themselves or others. Evie, You have been dealing with this for a long time. I pray that God give you peace and a clear Mind to deal with this situation. I’m not good with the right words to say to uplift a person, but what I can tell you is that God want put no more on you that you can bear. Be blessed and God please give all of us strength on today and the days after😘😢

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Evie
January 14th, 2016 at 3:20 PM
My dear shining star of faith Kimmy– You DO lift us up! I am grateful and feeling improved. I called the human services type place where her psychiatrist and social service staff and caseworker has offices. Mary has not given permission for me to talk with the staff working directly with her. Yet they allowed me to provide info to one of their emergeny call in staff. I wanted to let them know of her latest goal to become pregnant. What they do with this is up to them. I feel more peace now. Thank you for your support which means more to me than you know.
Shell
April 4th, 2016 at 4:13 PM
Post away Evie….I feel your pain, nothing seems to make sense.
Have you thought of the contraceptive injection.
X

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Shell
April 4th, 2016 at 4:14 PM
Post away Evie….I feel your pain, nothing seems to make sense.
Have you thought of the contraceptive injection.
Why does this damn website only let me post occasionally ..we desperately need this site, I live in fear that it will break down.

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Jsmom
January 14th, 2016 at 4:45 PM
Dear Evie…..

I feel your frustration……

It feels like careing/being involved in our children’s lives is hurting our own lives…..and we try so hard not to let it and always asking is what I do working for my child, so far the answer is no. Maybe there isn’t an answer, maybe we can’t fix it, maybe we’re not meant to fix. And there are grains of thought inside me that say I need to stay healthy for my other children, grand kids, family and friends too…..
If there were more avenues for professional & affordable assistance how much better would our kids be…..we’d be?

Right now when things are really bad….( my son is back in the hostital )…..one therapy for me is humour–it seems to snap me out of darkness if only for seconds—to remind me about all of life….that life really is a beautiful thing and that there are no guaranties…so hang on to gratitude ….and for me God.

“What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

Jerry Seinfeld

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Evie
January 15th, 2016 at 1:48 AM
My dear glorious courageous Jsmom, Your spirit is beautiful and contagious. I caught the healing goodness and sense of it. Of you. And oh how grateful I am for each crumb of shared wisdom and for each healing touch to the soul of who I am and who I am trying to become. Yes, humor is a wondrous help. Thank you for reminding me about that too! And God is with all of us as we help each other keep walking our individual paths with our unique personalities in a world where, as you reminded me, there are no guarantees. Somehow just knowing that helps. No expectations, with the exception of knowing that God will be our ever present help in time of trouble. God help us all.

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Evie
January 18th, 2016 at 4:33 AM
Shel, You are doing great! I admire your courage and persistence!

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Evie
January 18th, 2016 at 4:45 AM
Kimmy, You are doing everything in an amazing determined way! I see you repeatedly getting back into the ring. Tired and bloody and bruised but eager to do the right thing in behalf of your son even when you are misunderstood. Mary is setting a course for herself that I fear. I am trying to take a mind vacation from it. I do not want her to get pregnant. Who knew this would be the next complication. I did not see this coming. Still, I must take my advice and not gnaw on this new fear like a dog with a bone. You and all our friends on this site help so much. I am grateful.

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Evie
January 18th, 2016 at 4:59 AM
Diane, Thank you for affirming me. This journey is winding in new ways that intimidate me. Whenever I think of you and realize you have your daughter there in your home, it brings back memories of when Mary lived here and all the pain and frustration. You are my hero.

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Diane
January 18th, 2016 at 12:33 PM
Thank you. We all just do what we must to keep our heads up and live the best lives we can for ourselves.

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Jsmom
January 20th, 2016 at 2:16 PM
Hi Evie….

All I wanted was for you to know ….. I hoped you smiled today.

I wish that for everyone .

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Evie
January 20th, 2016 at 4:36 PM
Jsmom, You just brought me a big smile! My face feels good in that position and I thank you. Today I have had some temptation to be filled with dread but I spit it out in the nick of time. So I would venture to say I’m doing better. I can’t control what tomorrow brings about Mary, so I will keep trying to choose to live unfettered in each perfect moment.

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Diane
January 23rd, 2016 at 7:56 AM
While things are going better with my 27 year old in that she has begun taking her antipsychotic medication and is attending classes for a graduate degree, I am still very weary a lot of the time. Her illness leaves her with no understanding if how I feel and even if I tell her it goes in one ear and out the other. She will comply got a few days and then it’s back to loud music, dishes left around etc. we live in a small apartment so are together almost all the time. I get so tired of having to repeat myself over and over.

Just needed to vent today as I woke up to music playing and it irritates me.

May be all have the courage to stand tall and carry on. I really appreciate knowing there are others who understand.

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Kimmy
January 23rd, 2016 at 11:40 AM
Diane, It’s alright to vent. We’re here with listening ears. I’m very glad that your daughter is on her Meds and attending classes. That’s great! I understand how you feel when you have to repeat yourself a thousand times. I have that problem too, but at least your daughter is trying to live a half way normal life by getting out the house and going to class. May God continue to give all of us strength! Be blessed!

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Sed
January 24th, 2016 at 7:10 AM
Great article helping me to understand constant stress – will increase FOCUS to include gym/exercise as part of my daily life.

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Shel
January 24th, 2016 at 10:55 PM
Yes sed , my son has found it his saviour .. He does the gym and lessons every day ! Not sure where he’d be without it

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Sed
January 24th, 2016 at 7:34 AM
My 28 year old daughter was hospitalized and diagnosed schizophrenia bipolar summer 2015. After returning home she refuses to sleep in her bedroom, sleeping with me in my bed. I began sleeping on sofa. She now tries to sleep on sofa with me. After LOTS of nagging will finally go to love seat. I am seriously considering sleeping in my bedroom, using deadbolt lock to keep her out. But do fear she will begin leaving home in middle of night. Anyone else have similar dilemma?

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Diane
January 24th, 2016 at 1:02 PM
Yes! My 27 year old had the same problem after an ER visit for a schizophrenic episode last summer. She wanted to sleep in my room with me and I said No. Luckily she didn’t insist. Recently she began sleeping on the couch in the living room and I had to mix that too as she was there 24/7. I told her that I have a room for her and if she doesn’t want to sleep in it, she will have to find other accommodations. She replied with a lot of irrational comments, but got up and has been sleeping in her room since. She has to keep the door open and light on all night. I know what you are going through and it’s awful. I find sometimes drawing a line on the sand and giving an ultimatum is what I have to do.

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Shel
January 24th, 2016 at 10:52 PM
It’s all really so sad … We seem to be taking my sons independence away a little bit at the moment .. I’ve just had a really bad day with him today , we try to allow him to do his own car insurance but it didn’t go well , he completely mucked up all the websites and made it impossible for us to use later on when he was desperate … It’s awful because he’s trying so hard and the world isn’t understanding with mental health , he now feels that every one is evil .. We’re teetering on the edge again , I can feel it .
Diane
January 25th, 2016 at 10:19 AM
Oh Shel that teetering on the edge feeling I know so well. Good thoughts coming to you.
Shell
March 9th, 2016 at 10:02 AM
Hi Diane , I’ve not been on here for a while, but since we were teetering on the edge he’s actually been quite bad again.
Unfortunately for him he does have a lot of bad luck , if it were thunder storming he would be the one hit by lightening.
:(
Diane
March 9th, 2016 at 10:52 AM
So sorry to hear. My granddaughter is much the same. If something is going to happen it will happen to her. She’s having trouble with the IRS over her tax filing.

May we all have inner fortitude to carry us along.
JT
January 27th, 2016 at 10:05 AM
This makes me so sad. I’m an adult with a severe mental illness and it’s difficult for my family both emotionally and financially. This article and comments have motivated me to move out and live off the grid

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Erica
February 2nd, 2016 at 8:03 AM
It is heartbreaking to read everyone’s stories. I have always wondered why there is so little support for the parents of these children! It is so amazing that the diagnosed patients are able to manipulate so many doctors, counselors, psychiatrists, social workers, teachers and other ‘professionals’. We went through everything with our daughter as well. She has bipolar, ADHD, depression, past hospitalizations & previous suicide attempts. My father also committed suicide in 2012. I’m sure we have $100,000 in legal expenses (clearing our names), gas, doctors, hospitalizations & much more. Our HIPPA laws need to be changed. How is it a 16 year old with mental illness cannot have parent involvement with doctors? This does not help the situation. Parents need to be involved and advocating for the child. Our daughter spent 4 months in fostercare thanks to our broken flawed system, she should have spent a week or more in the hospital, but we were not allowed input. After case dismissal, within a month she was hospitalized. Our system has taught her not to be responsible or even worst, that any of her actions have no consequences. Now she is 22 and pregnant with 2nd child with a boy she is living with and dated for 4 months. We just baled her out $1000 financially for rent. I feel like we should not have done that and most likely will not be doing that again. I pray the new boyfriend is a good dad & can stay the course. There is nothing I can do at this point. She seems to be in a good mood when she calls, but every time the phone rings I expect her to be crying, saying she can’t do it & wants to end it all. I want the best for her and kids. We really should have a forum to share ideas and for venting purposes. I do not have anyone near me who comes close to understanding a child with mental health issues.

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Shell
February 2nd, 2016 at 10:10 AM
Hi Erica , I think we all know how you feel..I spend an awful lot of time thinking and hoping that I will wake up and it’s all a bad dream.
I haven’t been as unlucky as you because my son hasn’t had a relationship since he’s had mental health issues, I don’t even want to think what it would be like if he did.
He is very very stable at the moment , because we’ve just been through a bad patch with him.
Keep strong.

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Evie
February 5th, 2016 at 8:28 AM
My dear patient enduring Diane, Mary did the exact same thing your daughter did and for the same reasons. As a result she became so nervous (off her pres ription meds)that she started vomiting all she ate. Finally she admitted herself to the hospital due to her uncontrollable symptoms. This is a long story told short, but I hope you can hold onto the hope that she might have to get worse before she will take meds again. These puzzle pieces don’t make sense but I like to hope that they do end up fitting together. This puzzle piece you are now facing is a doozy though!

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Diane
February 5th, 2016 at 12:45 PM
I agree. I have to stay neutral in this in order to keep my head up. She seems able to work and keep up with her classes, but not sure how long it will last. Thanks for your good thoughts.

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Evie
February 12th, 2016 at 7:52 AM
My beloved friends, I just tried to send a blog and hope this is not a repeat. Someone may need to hear this: this morning I was reading the lyrics of a sad song that reminded me of Mary. My ever present grief began to expand like a soggy sponge of tired tears. I then made a choice to stop romanticizing my grief about her. I have often made that mistake, later to have it turn on me like a rabid badger. Picturing myself as a fly being blown by the cosmic wind (the breath of God) seems to help. You can then feel the calming effect of that breath on the skin of your raw emotions. And then to choosing not to resist as it gently wafts you to the next place in your child’s oppresive ordeal. It may be a place of quiet waiting or the leading to an uncomplicated action or behavior that takes you by a soft surprise.

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Diane
February 12th, 2016 at 9:51 AM
You have such a way with words. Thank you! It is so easy to romanticize the grief. I find I do much better when I love my granddaughter while maintaining an emotional distance. And make my self care top priority.

May you walk with calm and ease today!

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Evie
February 12th, 2016 at 3:40 PM
Dear loving grandmother, Diane– I am grateful for the sharing of your wise thoughts. To love and yet keep some emotional distance is advice I can use.
Jsmom
February 12th, 2016 at 10:03 AM
Hi Evie…..I check in often to see the posts. To see and feel the wisdom of others. Reading your post now……it’s hard right now to absorb. My son went to the ER last night after taking a bunch of pills ……on purpose. I have all sorts or emotion swirling…..but at the top is anger. Why does this happen to our children— my son is getting weaker and so am I, the whole family…10 years now…..what is left….I just don’t know what to pray for…how how how can I fix this when I am in such tiny pieces!!!!! No one knows how f – d up I am inside. And everyone is looking to me to fix this.

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Evie
February 12th, 2016 at 11:53 AM
My dear hurting Jsmom, You are feeling fragmented and eff’d up. I can relate to that in every way. All I know to share is that at least you know you don’t have the answers. Somehow I think it would be so painful to see an answer and have no way to get there. I gave up on answers long ago. I have used philosophical ideas to get me through the night. It falls short of being a tangible solution, but it helps me keep a type of faith. One philosophical idea I actually made UP because I was so desperate. “There are no answers because there are no questions.” It is amazing the lengths people go to in order to survive. May we parents and our troubled children survive one moment at a time in chosen hope and small grains of haphazard peace. I honor and cherish all of you as we muddle through, enduring the best we can.

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Gail
February 25th, 2016 at 9:56 AM
I am desperate, my daughter is convinced she is not ill. Refuses to take her meds. I have know idea where she is staying. She is unemployed. She messages me. One minute she is so sweet, the next she swears at me.

She paid a visit to my 87 year old mother for a couple of hours. My mother says she said she had not bathed for a month. She told my mother she does not stink.

How can I convince her to get back onto a programs.

I am a desperate single mother and she is my only child.

Please somebody advise me what to do.

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
February 25th, 2016 at 11:18 AM
Dear Gail,

The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we do want to encourage you to reach out. If you would like to talk about this or any other concern with a mental health professional, please return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

We wish you the best of luck in your search.

Kind regards,

The GoodTherapy.org Team

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Evie
February 25th, 2016 at 11:58 AM
My dear despairing Gail, Everything you shared sounds like I wrote it about my daughter. All I can tell you is to try to remain open to personal peace. The symptoms are part of her illness and they can’t be written out of the picture. Keep a journal with specific happenings and dates. If a legal opportunity arises, this might help to enforce treatment. Research legal possibilities regarding where you live. I myself have had a disruption of my inner peace lately despite what I know to do to keep it. It feels like a physical ailment compounded with a sense of mental despair and imbalance. Like I might fall on my face in the road and then just stay there crying in the hard dirt without even turning my head to the side. To accept what IS helps, but there is still that brittle sense of unease. And that ever hovering cloud of what if’s and painful grief about the once present child who is now gone in so many ways. This road is just plain hard. It even seems down right impossible most of the time. We each feel the toll on our bodies and nerves. I feel your bruises and heartaches if that is any tiny consolation. We all do. I send love and peace to you. I hope it gets there.

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hellen
March 7th, 2016 at 10:17 PM
Schizophrenia has a cure,My son is cured from the problem of Schizophrenia,He can now live a normal life.Schizophrenia is a chronic and severe mental disorder that affects how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. People with schizophrenia may seem like they have lost touch with reality. Although schizophrenia is not as common as other mental disorders, the symptoms can be very disabling.I got the cure from Dr Ben now am the happiest Mother on earth.

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Shel
March 8th, 2016 at 1:54 PM
Hi Hellen , what’s the cure then ??only you proberbly haven’t noticed but we are all mothers too and we are all desperate !!!!
None of us lead normal lives any more so please tell us what the cure is ???

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LL
August 4th, 2016 at 10:42 AM
As someone with a mental illness i can tell you there is no cure but i think finding the proper medication can help alot. For myself i’m stubborn so i reject all medication. I see how full of crap the DSM book of mental hogwash is so i rejected that as well a long time ago. The one thing i suggest is to drop junk food, all of it. all your comfort foods just drop it and feed your loved one suffering foods that are high in nutrition,Look for local organic farm grown food,(non supermarket) or if you have the space grow your own food organically with organic seeds and organic fertilizer. Another thing is turn off media that could agitate anger and confusion, chaotic music, violence on tv, nonsense on radio. Find out what really interests them and have them spend their time on that. For myself its a learning disability that leads to my depression and everything else including suicidal thoughts, the inability to succeed through life and watch everyone and everything else pass you by. This is probably the worst advice any worn out Parent wants to read but it’s what i think. Try Dr.Gabor mate..he has a lot of great advice for parents. anyways good luck to everyone. god bless.
Kimmy
March 9th, 2016 at 8:31 AM
Hi Helen! From the what I’ve learn, There is No cure for schzo, but if OUR childrem would follow up with treatment and/or med, then they can live a fufilling half way normal life. If there’s a cure for this mental illness, then please share with ALL of us mothers that is dealing with our Adult MI children. None of us are living normal lives anymore, so our questions is Who is DR BEN and what is the CURE????!!

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Shell
March 9th, 2016 at 9:58 AM
I think that this woman is a troll……
If she comes up with a cure not only will I apologise profusely but I will go to her country and kiss her feet.
X
Kimmy
March 9th, 2016 at 10:55 AM
I agree! This is so wrong on all levels for someone to come on here and play with our emotions like that… God help her!
Evie
March 9th, 2016 at 11:46 AM
Shel, I will accompany you to her country. Yet I don’t think we have to pack to go any time soon.
Shel
March 9th, 2016 at 1:55 PM
I would love to give her the week that I’ve just had !!! See how she would like to live in our shoes …..
The GoodTherapy.org Team
July 21st, 2016 at 10:37 AM
We have determined this comment was very likely a spam message, and should not have been approved. We apologize for any confusion or difficulties caused by it.

Kindly,
The GoodTherapy.org Team

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Diane
March 8th, 2016 at 4:15 PM
I agree with Shel….I want to know the cure too. Who is Dr. Ben? I would love for my granddaughter to be “cured” of schizophrenia.

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Laurie
March 10th, 2016 at 3:56 AM
Haven’t been able to read all the comments from top to bottom but kinda doubt that there is anything about someone’s adult child who has OCD. I’ve been in parent support group for 8 months with a social wkr. Nowhere on earth can you force someone to take meds or get treatment if they are over 18. THEY MUST WANT IT THEMSELVES and will have to hit rock bottom before they ask for help. This is the reality everywhere until there are changes made. My abusive ex brainwashed this 20 year old of mine her entire life not to takmeds and not to get treatment. I fought him and got her miraculously thru high school. But she stopped cold turkey and turned revengeful, violent towards me an ruined up the house because of the OCD and revenge. I left finally after a year of abuse from husband and this daughter. Had I had the strength to leave with both daughters when they were still young, my older daughter might not be in the streets now. I am trying to take care of my 17 year old daughter.
Parents MUST take care of themselves and if these older children are not willing to take the meds and treatment necessary then we parents must even let go of our children in order to stay sane and not end up in a psychiatric hospital or any hospital ourselves. If your adult child fights the meds/treatment and a parent is suffering then the child must be dealt with….in my case, I had to use a restraining order on my daughter because of her OCD and revengeful/agressive behavior… A psychiatrist once told me that eventually these adult children of ours understand that they need help and they seek it.

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Jackie
April 5th, 2016 at 7:22 AM
Hi Laurie i agree with you 110% i have had a 2 year restraining order on my 34yr old schizophrenic/druggie/alcoholic son which broke my heart into pieces he has been homless, in jail, but guess what he is finally starting to take control of his life he has found somewhere to live, he is on Disability benefits, the Drs put him on Public Trustees who look after his finances, we meet for a coffee and he still blames me for everything but at least when I’ve had enough i can come home to my sanctuary – sometimes he copes, sometimes he doesn’t – i feel so guilty and the worst mother in the world for putting the restraining order on him but he has to learn to be responsible for his life as I won’t be around for ever – I feel sick doing this but I’ve tried everything else – I’m being strong. I sympathize with everyone commenting on this site love to you all. 💕💕

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Shel
April 5th, 2016 at 9:17 AM
Hi Jackie , it sounds like progress to me!!
My son still blames me from time to time.
Evie
April 5th, 2016 at 3:55 PM
Jackie, Being the computer challenged person I am, I accidentally sent my latest reply to you down yonder to where blogs of November and December 2015 belong.
Jackie
April 5th, 2016 at 6:01 PM
Haha no worries Evie. You have such a big heart💘
Mary K
May 30th, 2016 at 9:42 PM
Jackie, when I grow up, I want to be as strong as you are. Living with an adult child with mental illness is exhausting. I am happy to know there is someone out there who has found the strength to stop enabling. Thank you for your post. I needed that today.
Jackie
May 31st, 2016 at 2:53 PM
Dear Mary thankyou so much for your kind words i’m glad it has helped you and hope it helps you to find courage. My son and I have finally reached a happy medium after 12 horrible, chaotic, frightening and heartbreaking years. I have disengaged from being his carer to just being his mum. He comes to my house on a Monday for coffee, we have a chat, sometimes he is angry and blaming me, and thats when I ask him to leave and come back next week with a better attitude which he does. Most times we can get through with a laugh he takes my dog for a walk and sometimes he even stays for lunch. Sometimes he only stays for 10 minutes but he is a thousand times better and he tells me i did the right thing putting boundaries in place. He has grown a lot. The only thing I can’t deal with is when we have family get togethers and he isn’t there. BUT we are working towards that as well. Take heart that there is a better way. My love to you. Xxx
Diane
March 22nd, 2016 at 1:30 PM
After some weeks of relative calm, paranoia is rearing its ugly head again in my 27 year old granddaughter. She once again believes some is trying to recruit her for the government and often tries to suck me into accepting her thinking. I remain resolute that I do not share her thoughts. But, oh so wearing on my mind and soul. People with mental health disorders fight such a battle within themselves and unfortunately bring us all along for the ride.

Just needing to vent today. Thanks for listening.

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Shel
March 23rd, 2016 at 2:42 AM
I think we all get sucked in a little , I never know wether to go along with my sons strange ideas or just say no your wrong ! Because he becomes aggressive when I do so it seems simpler to just agree … It keeps him calm.

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Evie
March 23rd, 2016 at 9:24 AM
Dear Diane Shel, and all my friends: Yesterday I sent in my reply in a way that didn’t seem to work so I will try again. What has helped with Mary is my telling her that even when I don’t share her beliefs and thoughts, I respect them. Once I told her that we may be reading the same book butvwr are not on the same page. Another time I told her that we arebreadingbthebsame book

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Evie
March 23rd, 2016 at 9:51 AM
Continued (it got sent accidentally): Another time I told Mary that we are (symbolically) reading the same book but I don’t understand the language. I love you all. Keep venting.
Shel
March 26th, 2016 at 1:22 PM
Hi elvie , put in a very simple way … I think I will learn from this !!! I think in future I will say this to him , ( I respect his opinion but it’s not mine … It’s brilliant ) it will be good just to know that I’m being honest with him but not aggravating him .
It’s amazing how somebody else’s aspect of the situations we find ourselves in can help so much. Thank you x
Diane
March 23rd, 2016 at 11:09 AM
Thank you Shel and Evie. I just feel so weary and know it really will never end. Doing as much as I can for me today to get my mojo back.

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Margaret H.
March 25th, 2016 at 11:00 PM
My daughter is 22 and was diagnosed with bipolar at the age of 12.

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Shell
April 4th, 2016 at 9:28 AM
I’m so sorry Margaret …don’t be too down reading all this!! This is how we vent.
X

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Evie
March 27th, 2016 at 5:48 AM
My dear Shel and all fellow hard road travelers–Your affirming input is so much appreciated. And, yes, we are all in this together. From the lowest lows, to the relatively manageable times, to the pinnacles of hopeful almost progress. The rocks beneath our feet are always shifting, shifting. Our feet are bruised yet we WILL KEEP limping along, hokding each other up.– Love and peace!

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Diane
April 4th, 2016 at 4:34 AM
I woke up this morning once again realizing how difficult it is to live with a person who has a mental health disorder. Nothing is ever as it seems and it’s more like Alice in Wonderland. Everything is so precarious. But, I also have, for some unknown reason, a new sense of optimism. I need to get back to my daily self care routine after days of living with incertainity. Self care is my saving grace.

My heart goes out to all of us living day to day never knowing how things will be from moment to moment.

May we all have a good day today!

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Evie
April 4th, 2016 at 8:53 AM
My dear inspiring Diane, Sending gratitude for your hopeful words.

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Shell
April 4th, 2016 at 9:27 AM
I’ve not been on here much lately girls….but life’s calming down a little now.
My son has been very demanding and at one point we thought we may find it nessesary to push him back on medication.
But after doing some homework I found that ” mind ” have a day group and after a big fat struggle and thanks to my daughter whom is the only person who he seems to listen too, he went and has been going ever since. ‘ thank god’.
Allotment time at the moment and I have two so he’s sharing his time between ‘ mind ‘ and my allotment …which I pay him for as he’s always broke.
So he’s now a mildly happy ( as much as he can be ) bunny.
God only knows what’s going to happen when I get too old to keep working,
Hope your all ok ?? I always think of you all and your struggles.

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Diane
April 4th, 2016 at 9:53 AM
Mildly happy is an A+ in my book. Glad he has a routine to follow. That’s a key factor I believe in keeping on course. And glad you are not so stressed.

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Evie
April 5th, 2016 at 4:31 PM
My dear persistent and courageous Shel, Alleluia!! The progress with your son is so wonderful. I am so proud if you for doing your homework. Don’t forget to keep dealing in the present. Your future, his future can’t be known. Which is a GOOD thing. And don’t take any of his words or actions personally, because it is highly unlikely that he will appreciate you. My daughter is doing better too. Still had delusions but currently they don’t involve death or pregnancy. Again I say ALLELUIA. Sending you and all fellow strugglers love and support.

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manjit
April 4th, 2016 at 3:43 PM
Hi I Have a 30 year old son who takes me to hell and back everyday as a mother I devoted my life to try and get him out of his depression and anxiety and his anger behavioural problems my mother died 8 years ago he hasn’t been right since her death . i a mother of 2 was mentally tortured and beaten by my x husband and then somehow had the guts to leave him 20 years ago bought up my 2 children on my own with a small business that was successful back then. now i do regret spending more time then making my business a success and spending less time with my young children. my son mentally tortures me day and night blaming me constantly about his depression anxiety and sometimes ocd with his washing hands constantly. He lives with me and my daughter could not take his abuse and left home last year, he smashes furniture and tells me to clean the mess up and not tell anyone about his behaviours or he will make my life hell. he stopped taking his medication cause he said they tablets aint helping him. convincing his doctors that it is I at fault, he has gone so lazy everything is done for him washing ironing food on the table. going work for me is a relief coming home I’m scared to enter the house. i have worked all my life and done well. when my daughter left last year it was horrific i felt as though my life had ended as he mentally tortured her too, and in a way she is now happy in a peaceful environment .can anyone out there help me make me stronger to stand up to my son and say enough is enough…

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Evie
April 5th, 2016 at 5:32 AM
Dear heartbroken Majit, Your answer resides within yourself. Your instinct feels it and is speaking to your brain. Your eyes see it. The situation of your beloved troubled son has not been improved by the things your heart has directed you to do. Keep listening and watching. Research where you live how you can support him in love yet distance your physical presence and your home until he might become nonabusive. All you do for him will not be done by the “system” which needs to get to know him and practice what to do with and for him. It is trial and error and will try your patience, but it is better than surrendering to abuse. It is a limited system, yet you both need its resources. You have lost so much. If you lose yourself, you will be a twig in the wind. I have been there. We all have. We will support you.

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Sick and tired
April 10th, 2016 at 7:23 PM
It is really sad how many people who have left comments on here and so many people that have loved ones that suffer so much dealing with their loved ones with mental illness. My son is 22, I am sick and tired. I have lost every bit of hope. I have done everything!! He has been diagnosed with many different things throughout the course of his life. He has the ABCs of mental illness. I don’t think the doctors have a clue. The meds are worthless. Good luck getting a grown adult to take them like they should in the first place. I am so angry. There is such a shortage of help or knowledge for mental illness in this country. My son severely mentally and verbally abusive tome. He has physically abused me. I am scared of him and have been for many years. I love him because he is my son but I don’t like him at all. He never ever has anything nice to say to me. He talks to me like am garbage. I put up with it because I have no other options. I can’t kick him out, he is too disturbed to know how to take care of himself. He has no friends, no one in the family wants him. He is mean hateful and fowl. He is nasty, filthy, and disgusting. He doesn’t even care. He has been to institution, group home, counseling you name it. He has been on all of the meds and Nothing makes any difference. I see no hope, not only is he mentally off, he has health issues too. So what to do. I hate my life because of him. I am miserable because of him. If this is all there is in life is taking care of him then I’d rather be dead!!!I give up!!

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Evie
April 11th, 2016 at 8:14 AM
My dear heart injured Sick and Tired, So many of us have been where you are. Discouragement is a sly enemy. It is a destructive force that can wreck you from inside out. In this weakened condition, hopelessness pulls you down even further. I would humbly and respectfully ask you to choose hope. In spite of all you face. You might consider the next time your son is hospitalized, you immediately inform the hospital that he is not to come home with you upon discharge. You may think you need to solve where he would go. Actually there are solutions in place on the hospital’s end that would start to take over. This may sound ridiculous to you, but it sounds like you need the ridiculous to take over. You have reached the end of yourself. You’ve given all you have and have nothing left. I am crying as I write this to you. Please know we hear you and we care.

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Ny
June 15th, 2016 at 3:13 PM
Evie,

Your response was just beautiful…this painful journey is gut wrenching, and your loving response made me feel validated. So hugs to you and may God have mercy on all of us that have a loved one in this situation. Peace, love, light.
Lani
April 12th, 2016 at 1:56 PM
Sick and Tired,
You have done all you cand, but sometimes life deals you a hand that you have to lay down on the table and walk away. Being a parent does not mean being abused by your child. Your son not a little boy he is a 22 year old adult now. He will always be mentally ill, but he will never get treatment or grow as person as long as you support him that way he exists today.

I hear your pain, but you and your son deserve better. Do what you can to have him hospitalized and if that fails then take steps to make him leave your house to save yourself. Your son’s life is not more important than yours and when you gave birth to him your agreement was to try your best to raise him to be a loved, functional person in the world. You did your part, but mental illness is complex and your son had the best chance he could have with you loving him. The fight is not for you anymore. Don’t give in, don;t give up, but move on to a place where you can be healthy. He will always be your son, but it is time for you to live and separate from the abuse. You deserve it and you need to know that you are loved. Abuse is not love. If his mental illness is preventing him form being reasonable, then his illness is beyond your control. Letting others care for him may be his only chance to realize that he is worth more than his illness and that he has to take his part in his own treatment if he wants a life. Please take care and find peace in your own life. You deserve to live. You deserve joy. Be your own advocate and don’t let your son’s illness control who you become. It should not define you.

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Jackie
April 13th, 2016 at 3:24 PM
Lani you have explained the answer perfectly. 🌹🌹

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Diane
April 16th, 2016 at 4:48 PM
Sitting here tonight thinking about my 27 year old granddaughter who has schizophrenia. For periods of time she is able to function, but not in the full sense of the word. Just today I was st the table eating and she sat down, right on the edge of her chair, shaking her leg up and down, laughing strangely to herself and then telling me she was laughing at the way a bird outside was chirping. It was so uncomfortable for me… So surreal that I had no way to respond. She has no friends or interests besides her classes which do seem to keep her grounded as she spends all her time at a coffee shop studying so she says. I try not look down the road and keep the focus on the moment, but some days it is just so much like living in Alice’s wonderland where nothing makes sense.

Just needed to get this off my mind to people who understand. Thanks for listening.

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Mary K
May 30th, 2016 at 9:35 PM
Does anyone have any experience with CBD in bipolar patients? Our daughter is 28 and lives, if you can call it that, with bipolar disorder. It truly is hell on earth for all involved, as I am sure you all know. She just got out of the hospital and is having trouble with the new meds. It takes three weeks to get an appt with a psychiatrist. In the meantime, we are all walking on egg shells, hoping for a miracle. Thanks for any feedback you can give me.

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Diane
May 31st, 2016 at 1:31 PM
I don’t have the answer to your question, but do know the exhaustion. My unmedicated 27 year old granddaughter with schizophrenia lives with me. Some days it takes all I have just to get through the day. Rigorous self care is my saving grace. I’ve learned to put myself first always unless it is an emergency.

Wishing you some peace!

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maddie
June 4th, 2016 at 4:29 AM
I feel a bit guilty venting here when my situation is so much less dreadful than many of those I read. But I need to vent, so here goes. My daughter has schizo affective disorder, or so I am told. She lives alone and functions, but uses me as an emotional punchbag. I have put boundaries in place and try to be strong but recently it has been getting on top of me. Several years ago she decided to have no more to do with me and I heard no more from her. She moved address and I didn’t know if she was dead or alive. I grieved and eventually stopped crying. After six years, last year about this time she got in touch again. We met and I worked incredibly hard to rebuild a relationship. It has been up and down. It can go from a bunch of flowers and a loving thank you message to hateful, spiteful anger in a matter of hours. We might have had no contact in between so I am left feeling helpless because I have neither said nor done anything to trigger the abuse. It has become much worse in the last two days. Her father and I are divorced and she does not get on with him at all. In fact it gets worse if they are in contact. I won’t get into that as its a whole other story. Anyway he had a mild heart attack last week and asked me to let our daughter know. I knew it would rock the boat but also felt I had to tell her. If not and she later heard I supposed that would be worse. A rock and a hard place spring to mind. She went off the rails, as I feared. The abuse of me started again as if all my efforts of the past year have been in vain. I feel so angry, sad, disappointed, hopeless and many more adjectives! I don’t know if it’s worth carrying on trying to build a relationship if so much effort ultimately ends up back at the start. I thank you all for your sharing and for the chance to feel less alone. It’s a dreadful place to be.

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Sherie
June 4th, 2016 at 10:49 AM
You must feel awful…as if its all been a complete waste of time. I hope you find the strength to carry on, my thoughts are with you.

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maddie
June 6th, 2016 at 3:05 PM
Thank you Sherie, it is so lonely sometimes. The thought that there are others willing to share and support is a huge comfort. Bless you all.
Evie
July 14th, 2016 at 6:48 AM
My dear Maddie and Gail and all my friends, Yes we are in this together. We hurt, we heal a little, then hurt again. No Pat answers. Just one moment’s idea, answer, reaction or plan at a time. I don’t think any of our tactics work consistently nor is there any one answer. Just know that your best is good enough. Even when circumstances seem to indicate the opposite. YOUR BEST IS GOOD ENOUGH. Love and peace to you all.

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Diane
July 14th, 2016 at 8:19 AM
I agree. There is such an ebb and flow with mental illness. Focusing on my own self care has been major in keeping my head high during all the manifestations of symptoms. We are all in this together. May we stand strong and keep our heads up as we live in uncertainty day after day.
Bipolar II girl
June 30th, 2016 at 6:25 PM
Not only are the parents very stressed, I would bet very good money that the adult children living with mental illness with their parents are absolutely just as stressed. I am a young adult living with bipolar II, anxiety, and a couple of physical health problems. For the longest time and throughout most of my adulthood, I have lived with a parent. Why? Largely because to have any kind of long-term/permanent disability (whether physical, mental, or both) is to be sentenced to a lifetime of financial hardship, sadly. I have essentially *zero* economic power in this society, so I have had to endure feeling like a constant burden to my parent(s) and the infantilization and dependence that comes with living them as an adult. It is incredibly stressful and I am no stranger to all kinds of abuse. It is also terrifying…not ever really being sure if I will *ever* have a place I can call my own, no matter how hard I work for it (and I have no problem working as hard as I mentally and physically can – sadly sometimes to the point of burnout; as anyone with any disability knows, people with disabilities often work extra hard just to prove themselves to people who often think we can’t do anything). I place the blame squarely on government services which are inhumane (if they even exist at all). In the jurisdiction in which I live, to get any sort of disability income/benefits/employment supports (or housing, etc.) I would need to fill out a massive amount of bureaucratic paperwork to prove just how disabled I am. In the off-chance I might be accepted as disabled enough (because rejection is more common than not, especially if your disabilities are internal/invisible), I would likely need to wait months or years before anything even happens. This is a grossly inadequate system. The thing is: I want to and am able to work under the right conditions (i.e. with accommodations appropriate to my disabilities, such as a later start time since mornings are often very hard). I really can’t understand why it seems the government doesn’t care to help me (or my parents). Would they prefer that I end up dead by suicide (because of the profound sense of despair I feel about a future that is increasingly looking very bleak) or that my parents get so stressed that they too end up with mental illness? It is horrible how governments see people as nothing but dollar bill signs and try to get away with doing the bare minimum in the short-term while completely disregarding the huge financial and human toll that their backwards policies are taking. There were many times in my sad life that I considering killing myself so I could “free” my parents from caring for me, thinking they would be better off without me. Yet, I am also aware that putting my elderly parents through the grief of having to mourn my death by suicide would also not benefit their mental health. So I am stuck in a very sad existence – existing, but suffering immensely and not really living. I am typing this with tears in my eyes because it is so deeply painful. I wish there were a way out of this horrible, twisted situation that I would never wish upon anyone (neither adult children nor parents). Sometimes I sincerely wish I hadn’t been born. I would welcome any words of advice, suggestions, or encouragement. Thanks.

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Shel
July 20th, 2016 at 8:50 AM
Bi polar girl .. I feel absalutly gutted for you right now .
But your right your parents as we would be would be devastated if you weren’t around !!
Coming on here and having a moan and seeing that your not alone helps tremendously , but being without the person that we are moaning about is not an option and not an option any of us would want.
Your loved .
We all love our kids but it gets hard sometimes .
But being without them … No .
Xxx

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Jt
September 10th, 2016 at 12:45 PM
Bipolar girl-This is the story of my life. I have bipolar II and “thought” OCD. I am also a victim of hypoxic brain injury. I am forced to live at home and be dependent on others. I know that they would be better off without me yet I don’t want to cause them more pain. I am excoriated by mental health professionals for living at home yet the same professionals admit I have a lifelong neurological as well as mental condition. I am ridiculed by the same professionals as being a liar and a moocher yet when I ask them about euthanasia or legal help for suicide I am threatened with the Baker Act. I feel like I can’t win. I look forward to moving away and allowing my life to take its course no matter where that may lead.

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Shel
September 10th, 2016 at 9:26 PM
In the uk mental health patients have to have a regular assessment to make sure that your worthy of government aid , we call it dla – Independant living allowance or now pip as its changed its name again !! So people that have scirzophrenia have to have an interview to prove that they are still ill … Even though they have a diagnosis.
The stress that it puts them under is awful .. It’s like an interview with the woman repeating what she thinks of them wether they’re behaving normally or not !! It’s sheer hell.
We went to one with my son three days ago , by the time we got there and waited and then got through the interview he was like a coiled spring . . He came home with the start of a cold sore on his lip.. Stress.
None of it makes and sense .
Laurie
July 4th, 2016 at 2:35 PM
My 24 year old son has suffered since birth with manic depression/ mainly severe depression. He also has cognitive disabilities. The worries and daily fear for him have increased the older he gets. I’ve been riddled with anxiety myself for years and am wondering if anyone here might know of an online forum or support group for parents like us? My heart goes out to everyone who has posted here…

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Lyn
July 7th, 2016 at 4:47 PM
My heart aches for all of you who are suffering so much! I understand your hell! My father was bipolar. My sister and my good friend who are both bipolar and have been on Q96 for over a year now and are off all the meds they had been taking for over twenty years. I am so amazed with the difference! My dad is dead, but I wish he could have gotten help. I have a son who has mental illness and he has put us through so much hell; which is much worse than living with a dad or sibling with it. We are into this for 6 or 7 years so far, he is 21. Everyone must do what they think is best in helping their child. May God bless you all!

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Kelly
July 16th, 2016 at 4:07 PM
I feel your pain I have a 22 year old son who has really bad mental problems we have been dealing with for over 12 years now with it only getting worse there are days I just wish I would not wake up because I feel like I can not handle anymore. My son will not get help he turns to drugs and isolation we had to move him to one of our rental property’s because we were scared of him at times he has been 51/50 two times with that only costing us a fortune and him getting no help we got him to a rehab center for drugs and mental illness but he walked away and said it was a dump . I have given up on helping him what can I do! You can lead a horse to water but u cannot make him drink that is where I am at with my son . God bless you all belive me I feel everyone’s pain that has a child like this

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Evie
July 17th, 2016 at 6:45 AM
My dear wounded Kelly and all fellow travelers through our complicated life, I start out to apologize ahead of time for offering you mostly general and nonspecific suggestions. It is what I’ve been reduced to. There is of course the basic need to research the laws of your area to enable you to intervene legally when you or your son is in danger. Aside from that, here it is: Absorb peace however you can. Try to believe that God breathes our prayers. CHOOSE hope as an umbrella attitude erach moment. This does not mean hope FOR this or that. It doesn’t mean wishing for this or that. Just HOPE of and in itself. Live only in each present moment. My most painful and debilitating grief comes when I look back to the time before my daughter became oppressed. Or when I fret about her future.
Also, you will receive splashes of grace in this journey. Celebrate these moments of unexpected, reassuring good feelings when they occur. I had one the other day. I think these splashes may contain all of our tears.
Diane
July 17th, 2016 at 11:39 AM
Your words were much needed today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Evie
July 18th, 2016 at 8:34 AM
My dear beleaguered Diane, You are my hero. I think of you often and how your response to your granddaughter’s plight is based on love. The wonder of your love is helping her even though the indication of her betterment is not visible or tangible.
Shel
July 20th, 2016 at 8:41 AM
I had all of this with my son kelly , I don’t remember when it changed or why , maybe it was because we moved away from his area and he kind of followed us .. We’re divorced.
He was sectioned 3 times and the mh helped him get a flat in the area we were living by then.
He’s turned his life around .. No drugs for five years , all gym and fresh food , no meds at all !! But he’s been damaged and is still weird and sometimes doesn’t make sense , I’ve found repeating weird stuff back to him seems to work ! I’d say like … So you mean that you think that dads trying to hurt you ! Is that right ? , then he changes the subject cos he’s heard it back .
Your right he needs to want to change.
The drugs are so damaging .
My thoughts are with you . I used to pray a lot. X
Shel
July 20th, 2016 at 8:32 AM
Lyn , may I ask what q96 is please ?? My son is also off his meds , he weened himself off with the doctor keeping check ! , I think he’s much better but still has a lot of weird moments .
I am glad he’s off he drove us mad wanting to be off of them all the time .

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Lyn
August 4th, 2016 at 4:09 PM
Shel, I am so sorry I didn’t know you asked me about what my sister and friend are using, Q96, it is a product that has been in Canada for over 20 years, which was developed for some siblings with bipolar. It is micronutrient and chelated so that it goes straight to the brain. It has blessed so many! I have taken it for three years for my memary and don’t ever want to not have it.
Lyn
August 4th, 2016 at 4:10 PM
Ugh! Memory..not memary.
Lyn
July 8th, 2016 at 8:42 AM
I should have been more clear about the difference of my sister and my friend on the Q96. They are finally themselves and so happy and have had healing in their relationships. It has been astounding! They are happy and so grateful they found it and so are their families.

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Gail
July 16th, 2016 at 7:34 PM
I feel I am only being used by my son….he has two precious daughters..my husband and I have pretty much raised them…while the mother has been cheating on my son…but they live with us…he threatens to move out…and take the girls…from us…it’s a mind game to him…he manipulates me…he always wants to be in charge…to have power…he is a sick puppy that won’t get help…he thinks he is normal…

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Gail
July 17th, 2016 at 5:00 AM
I feel our son is controlling us…he lives her with his two precious daughter…he has joint custody with the mother….the girls goes with her on most weekends…but he has primary custody of them….he sometimes treaters to move out with the girls…my husband and I have pretty much raised the girls.. we are their safe haven….but his mental illness has gotten worse….he does things on for smartness…dirty the windows after I have cleaned them…let’s the bathroom a mess….dirty dishes…just little things that irritate me….he constantly touches me…putting his hands..on my face…blowing his breath on me…messing my hair up…he is worse than a small child…but we have to keep him her…with our sweet girls…he thinks he is normal…the girls think he is weird too…they dont say much…because they don’t want to stay with the mother…he will soon b starting a new job…will see if he can handle it…he always runs his fifthy mouth…which gets him in trouble…I pray God somehow…softens his heart. ..and he starts to control his mouth and actions

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Gail
July 20th, 2016 at 7:29 AM
we were somehow chosen for this.

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Shel
July 20th, 2016 at 8:29 AM
Well in that case Gail … Somebody up there bloody well hates us !!!! X

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Diane
July 22nd, 2016 at 10:06 AM
I agree.
Gail
July 20th, 2016 at 12:23 PM
I think we are strong women….God will see me through.

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Sherie
July 20th, 2016 at 3:24 PM
I’ve just got back from my daughters one meal out on herbirthday and my son has been awful.
Not only has he been really bloody miserable but he’s been sniping at everyone and taking everything anyone says personally.
On the way home he tried to be nice …..but I’ve well and truly pi**ed with hi,.
Diane
July 22nd, 2016 at 10:07 AM
I really don’t believe this at all.

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Shel
July 22nd, 2016 at 1:35 PM
Hi Diane
What don’t you believe ?? …
X
Diane
July 22nd, 2016 at 2:22 PM
Sorry I meant to reply to the post saying we were “chosen” to be parents of adult children with mental illness.
Shel
July 23rd, 2016 at 2:30 PM
I’m not sure either but I do know that it was the last thing I expected when I had children. .
Not sure if I’d have known what I know now that I would’ve had just two kids I think I’d have had more .
Sheli
July 21st, 2016 at 5:54 PM
After finding this website today, & reading most all comments, I can say the feelings it triggered are a mixed bag. It feels good to know I’m not alone. It also feels frustrating to know that I’m not the only parent struggling with an adult mentally ill child without many prospects. My schizophrenic son is 24 yrs. old & lives with me. He does get SSI, thankfully, because him & I together barely struggle by financially. I do work but try to work a bit less than fulltime so I can be here for him. Throughout our journey, since he was diagnosed 4 yrs. ago, the thing I have struggled the most to come to terms with is how he doesn’t seem to have much of a “life”. No friends (growing up he was immensely popular & had no trouble making friends) no interest in anything, least of all himself or his life & situation. I feel as though he won’t ever have a lot of things for himself that will bring him any sort of fulfillment. Seems like a sad & lonely existence.
Does anyone know anything about a group that holds meetings called “voices”/ Thanks for all the encouragement I’ve read by the way. Sheli

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Diane
July 22nd, 2016 at 10:05 AM
Your son sounds so much like my 27 year old granddaughter who is schizophrenic. She had an abundance of friends and activities as a child and now is alone with no friends at all. She lives with me and some days are harder than others. We are at odds much of the time with no real connection anymore to each other.

My heart goes out to all of us who live with a mentally ill adult child every day.

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Evie
July 22nd, 2016 at 10:50 AM
Dear caring Sheli, I looked online and found some info about Lothian Voices which are meetings having to do with mental health and is based in Scotland (as far as I can tell). Do you live in Scotland? You can go online by typing in capsadvocacy.org or type in Lothian Voices. Good luck to you with this! My 30 yr old daughter with schizophrenia has not one friend except me. She has remained oppressed and isolated for over 3 yrs. It hurts. Please keep us posted on this site if you find the time…. Love, hope, peace, endurance.

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Anne
July 23rd, 2016 at 7:08 AM
I’ve noticed the same issue (about friends) with my son who has not been diagnosed with anything officially. Does anyone think it has to do with the end of schooling, where a schedule provides young people with natural opportunities to meet others in non-work situations (like electives)? If someone is distracted by depression or doesn’t know how to be self-motivated, life after high school can be a socal nighmare… This doesn’t only happen with the officially “mental ill,” but with everyone who hasn’t found a niche. It’s happening now that my son’s in college and more self motivation is needed to “get a life.” He doesn’t stuck with clubs, and forgets to call people back. Now that has been happening to me since I lost my husband (his father). The grief impact boh of us so much… but it’s been 5 years!
Shel
July 22nd, 2016 at 11:15 AM
Sheli … Maybe it’s up to us to arrange some kind of social life for the kids/ adults in our own areas ?

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Shel
July 22nd, 2016 at 11:16 AM
Does anybody on here have an grown up son / daughter and live in Maidstone Kent ?????

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Gail
July 22nd, 2016 at 2:27 PM
Thank you…

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Sheli
July 23rd, 2016 at 11:00 AM
Evie-Since I wrote before I had a chance to go back to website I had previously checked out with regards to “voices”…No I’m not an Scotland< we live in Oregon. I got a calendar at my sons last appt. w/ his prescriber, for a local organization that holds twice weekly support meetings called voices….which are based off of what is called "Hearing Voices Network" Please google it & see what you think. I only know what I've read on their site & have not been successful at getting my son to go. yet. I should have addressed this to everyone. I'd like some opinions about this. In response to your comment, Shel, I would love to be able to do that. I wouldn't know where to start. i seem to have the best of intentions but given the fact that my son is an adult, its frustrating to have him say no all the time. I think it has caused me to do less & less with regards to him . Not just socializing but other things. I bet alot of you can relate to feeling as though you don't want to rock the boat if things are stable (in the moment). Often if there's no immediate mental health issue (crisis) with my son, that becomes "my" time….if you know what I mean? Thanks again to everyone out there doing the best they can with the tools they've got! Sheli

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Shel
August 3rd, 2016 at 2:43 PM
I can understand this completely , luckily my ex plays a big part in my sons life , at the moment … Because I can feel him slowly slipping away from him.
But when I get days like today with my son being busy and my ex dealing with him I literally put my feet up !!!! .
So yes I understand the “me” time.
X

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maddie
August 3rd, 2016 at 1:08 PM
Dear fellow sufferers. Does anyone out there have a way of dealing with the emotional roller coaster our kids put us on? My daughter can go from calling me a blessing, the best thing in her life etc to blaming me for everything and wishing me dead in a breath. I can sometimes have had no contact between these two extremes so the frustration is immense. Any attempt to reason or explain or seek an explanation results in worse abuse and then silence. It is crippling me. Bless you all.

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Gail
August 3rd, 2016 at 1:26 PM
I hear you…I have that wit my son…one minute he is hugging me…the next he is calling me names…he has alot of issues…

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Anne
August 3rd, 2016 at 2:15 PM
Maddie & Gail, I’ve been here for the exact same reason (the awful “roller coaster”). So far, the best thing has been when I can register to my kid that it was not appropriate, while somehow not showing the full extent of the terrible pain and anger at being a “punching bag.” Only the calm response has evoked an eventual apology, with some peace. However, it still may take hours to days of living with that terrible feeling, and I’m already ill. What happened to local parental support groups?
Diane
August 3rd, 2016 at 1:42 PM
Yes! My 27 year old vacillates between those 2 extremes and it is extremely wearing. The only wAy I cope is with rigorous self care every day…meditation, yoga and swimming.

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Anne
August 3rd, 2016 at 2:23 PM
Diane, I wish I could do as you do but I am physically not strong enough since my husband passed. While I’m fortunate that it’s only a combination of words with a lack of help, it’s still devistating quite often. Any idea what you might do if unable to get out? Meditation and prayer do help, but I could certainly use more support from any quarter… It’s extremely discouraging to have an only child do this when one is widowed and ill.
Diane
August 3rd, 2016 at 5:13 PM
I’m sorry for your loss and illness. That is extremely difficult. Have you contacted your local NAMI? They may know of an in home service to help you.

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shanon Eden
August 3rd, 2016 at 8:57 PM
I have a 23 yr. Old son. It’s a day to day challenge. He loves me one minute and the next he thinks I’m putting poison in his food and calls me names. I wish there was support groups. I need help but people don’t understand mentally illness. My family just think I should put him. Away. This is my son and has a future I just gotta help him and keep assuring him I love him. It’s not his fault. He wants to die he says, I can’t live without my son. I just deal with it. God gave me Garrett because God wanted me as his mom and I’ll never give up. Street full yes but I don’t no any other life.
U

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Vicki
August 4th, 2016 at 4:27 PM
I’m in a similar position although my 27 year old is sectioned and in hospital (I’m in the UK). I have already posted on here but in a nutshell my son believes he has tapeworm in his brain- neurocystercercosis or something like that. He has had every test going but it is a delusion and he won’t engage with the hospital staff as he believes he is dying- he blames it all on me for feeding him undercooked pork when he was younger- this is the worst and most intense obsession/ delusion he has had. I just wish somebody could convince him he wasn’t dying and then he might engage/ have some future. I despair- he’s now in Essex and I’m in Kent but go up to see him about every 10 days only for the conversation to go something like…how are you…I’m dying why don’t you believe me, the doctors are corrupt and in the pocket of big Pharma why can’t you see it…I then say that all the tests show you don’t have tapeworm and he starts swearing and shouting….still I go on up to see him and every visit I come out feeling deflated and unable to help I’m overcome this delusion….he will never be able to have any reasonable life while he has this awful affliction…I despair

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Evie
August 5th, 2016 at 8:09 AM
My dear loyal Vicki (& Shanon, Maddie, Gail, Anne, and all fellow supporters): You are visiting your son every 10 days, going back each time like a setup for personal hell. This is your victory no matter how dismal the outcome of your efforts seem. Each of your visits is a seed. Maybe a tiny rose will grow. I applaud you and want you to believe your best is good enough. Take nothing personally. His delusion is cemented in his brain. If it were not the tapeworm delusion it would be something else. Have no expectations. Stay in tune to your inner self and be open to peace. All these words of mine are repeats. I cry with all of you. I hope you wonderful warriors can somehow be bouyed up by the river of all our tears and prayers as we support each other. We will watch for the tiny roses.

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Diane
August 5th, 2016 at 8:48 AM
Thank you so much Evie. Sometimes just small words of encouragement get me through one more day. I love your comment about planting a seed. It always starts small and a small step is something. And take nothing personally is so hard but vital for us to stay above the fray. You made my morning with your kind words!
Felicia
August 6th, 2016 at 1:21 PM
This world is a cruel place for real. I have been suffering from Marriage problems for 9 months now not knowing my best friend has been the main cause of my problem. My story may be useful to you, please take your time and read.
I have been married to my husband for 8 years and we have a son of 4 years old. My marriage was very beautiful with my husband because we where so much in love with each other until my husband automatically changed towards me and my son. He started keeping late nights and stopped caring for me and our son.
Several times I had asked him what was the matter, but he never gives any reasons for his behavior towards me and our son. He keeps telling me that he has a headache and he his tired of our marriage, he has even said he wants a divorce. I begged him several times and reminded him of our lovely past life, but he never wants to listens to me nor the cry of our son. One day a friend of mine came into town and I told him about my situation. He connected me with a great powerful man called Dr. He told me that this man has helped him get his ex back and get a good job too. He advised me to give him a trial. I contacted this man via his email
He told me that my best friend was the cause of my problem. That my best friend is using a love charm on my husband to destroy my marriage. Oh this got me really devastated, but thank God that Dr was able to break the charm and within 2 days my husband came back home and regained himself to me. He has showed me how much he loved me just as he use to. Everything has worked perfectly and we are all living now as one happy family. A few days later my friend came to me to confess her evil deeds and begged for my forgiveness. Dr asked me to forgive her and so I did.
I will continue to speak of your good works great Man Dr. and may the Almighty God continue to use you to help other people in this world.
Please my people don’t suffer in silence, you too can also try this man I believe it would work for you just as it worked for me.
Dr is also good for solutions on many other problems

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Shel
November 9th, 2016 at 2:04 PM
You are a troll … and you disgust me !!!
We are all on here because we have genuine problems !! And they are sucking the life out of us ….
nobody is falling for your doctor crap.
You’ve been on here before trying to advertise this doctor person !!!! But none of us are stupid.

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Gail
August 6th, 2016 at 7:35 PM
Thank you for your encouragement….

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Mary J
August 11th, 2016 at 8:39 AM
Thank you Evie and Diane. Your wise words and the courage you demonstrate help me find strength to do my best for my daughter, the rest of my family and myself. This week I found one of the ” tiny roses ” when my daughter effusively thanked me for all my help in giving her a decent life. I wish roses to all who are fighting the good fight and wish you peace.

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Another Mom
August 16th, 2016 at 10:48 PM
My son is 40. I’ve been dealing with mental health issues with him since he was 8. He was in and out of treatment center from ages 11 to 17. After that he was in and out of prison for domestic violence. It’s so hard. I’m so tired.
Tonight his wife of 11 years showed up at my door because he locked her out. He’s sure she’s cheating on him. She swears she isn’t. We got for a few months walking on egg shells, but things are okay, then some trigger makes him go beserk. He threatened his wife this week with really hurting her if it means he has to go back to prison or not. He’s not been physically assaulting for 12 years now, but he’s crawls right up to that edge, throwing things or having tantrums or pushing a little. I know by now there’s nothing I can do about it. But he has 4 beautiful children that I adore and am very close to. I’ve begged him to get helped. I’ve cut him off if he doesn’t, but I can’t bring myself to cut myself off from my grandchildren.

God, I hate this.

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Gail
August 17th, 2016 at 9:43 AM
Another mother…that sure hit home…I feel for you…I can’t cut our son off either…because his daughters need us as much as we need them…we are all they have..

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Another Mom
August 17th, 2016 at 11:51 AM
Thanks for responding, Gail. My grandchildren are 8, 5-year-old twins, and a 2-year old. I love them more than life. I just can’t walk away from them. I do encourage their mother, however, to stop putting up with it. That’s all I know to do.

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R J
August 25th, 2016 at 1:08 PM
The stress that parents of adult children with serious mental illness and/or addiction is something that is endured throughout life. Even parents of high-functioning addicts operate in a constant state of concern and awareness of potential devastation.

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Evie
August 25th, 2016 at 6:06 PM
Wise RJ, Amen! The on and on of this is getting to me. So I am trying to remember all the “advice” I’ve given so I can observe it myself. Again and again. On and on. I’m tired. I know that none of us signed up for this, including our ill children. I’m not trying to be negative. My daughter’s life is being run by her delusions and it has been affecting my outlook. I will yet regroup and center myself. Love, peace to you all!

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Diane
August 26th, 2016 at 10:44 AM
You have always given such wise advice Evie so here is a gentle hug for you. Also parentsforcare.com is a good resource. They offer a support group via Skype once a month.
Mary J.
August 26th, 2016 at 12:10 PM
Thank you, RJ, for your insight. The stress never resolves but rather accumulates. Even in times of relative calm, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

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Penny L
September 2nd, 2016 at 2:25 PM
Heartbroken…i dont know how this will end. My son is 34 hes the most handsome son and hes fighting….hes living with me and i try my best but i cracked today and made him cry. I just want him to have a normal life.

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Shel
September 2nd, 2016 at 3:05 PM
My son is also handsome and 31 yrs old , he wants more than anything to have a wife and kids.
It’s really hard for us mums .
Have you thought about talking to a professional about how to .. Or not to treat him.
Sometimes they can say something that you can identify with. Eg my neighbour told me that his mother suffered anxiety and for yrs as a child she seemed to take it out on him!! He took it personally .. But he soon learned how to deal with the situation , he would purposely make her explode so that she could get over it and relax again.. He has surprised me because I blame most of my boys behaviour on his lack of medication.
My neighbour said .. Don’t think of the medication just deal with the situation.

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Penny L
September 2nd, 2016 at 2:28 PM
i asked him to get up so we could go out and he got up…he took a shower and his meds…..and then two hours later the second we were due to go out…he couldnt go out in what he was wearing and he panicked…needing to find something else…..i was out the door and i just began to freak out..i dont normally do that i normally just run around the house looking for him new stuff…………but im tired of this whole routine….he said hes been looking for somewhere to hang himself………..how will this ever work out

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
September 2nd, 2016 at 3:01 PM
Dear Penny,

Thank you for your comment. If you believe your son is at risk of harming himself, please encourage him to seek help immediately.
He can contact any of the crisis services here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

He can also contact local emergency services or law enforcement.

If he is not currently seeing a therapist or other mental health professional, he can locate one through our site, by entering a ZIP code here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

Kind regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team

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Shel
September 2nd, 2016 at 3:08 PM
Poor lad .. My son divvers and is always late and always using the toilet !!
Never knowing what to wear ..
We just make arrangements so that he can turn up when he likes and we always eat without him !! He eats when he arrives .
We do this to limit the stress levels in him and also it helps with his temper tantrums as well. X

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2tired
September 27th, 2016 at 11:34 AM
My heart goes out to you. its such an exhausting heartbreaking ordeal that seems to never end.

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Shel
November 9th, 2016 at 1:56 PM
The way that I deal with this stuff is to just get used to it .. chill out .. laugh .. the more uptight you are the worst it is for him .
I can’t imagine what goes through their muddled minds and I’ve just come to terms with the fact that my child will never have a normal life and I’m lucky to have had one … up until now .

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Liz
September 5th, 2016 at 9:33 PM
I live in NJ,My son was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder in 2013, with a suicide attempt from command hallucinations. he struggles between what is good and bad. Apologizes for being mean, or for thinking bad about me. in 2013, Was placed on clozaril and risperdal, and also recieved ECT, all was good until this past June, 2016, since then he has been hospitalized crisis once for a few hours , 3 weeks later for 12 days, out for 13 days, back in a short term hospital for19 days , out for a week, back in from August 18 and is still there. all that time he spent there and ended up right back where he was. When he is out, he wants to go to strip clubs and spend all his money, on food, and anything that has caffeine in it. Then he wont sleep, for days and that should be ok. Then the psychotic symtoms begin and its horrible, he is nasty, paranoid, impulsive and He lived with my mom before the 2nd hospitalization, the 3rd he lived in my step brother’s house, that lasted a week. he is angry with me I think he sees me as preventing him from being able to go out and do whatever he wants, thank God he doesn’t drink or do drugs he had 2 jobs, both down the drain. has a college education an associate degree and started on his bachelor degree before he got sick 2013 and can’t finish. I visited him today and it is clear to me that nothing is going to change after he is discharged, he is very quiet and polite and no longer showing symptoms so they will see him as better and discharged. he is supposed to be interviewed by a housing agency, and he asked me if he will have to take medications when he goes there…yes! i dont understand whats happened to him he took meds for 3 years in the community and he was not like this, he was such a good kid no problems as a teenager, I was always wondering when it was coming and here it is. I feel so guilty, he is in a short term hospital i dont know if he is ready to leave, but he seems to be fooling everyone long enough until he gets out. what the hell happened i dont know, my stomach was in knots the entire time he was out, i never knew what I was going to find when i would go see him after work. which mind you , is a state psychiatric hospital, Ive been there 30 years. I used to love my job, now I despise going to work. what did we do to deserve this!? Sometimes I do feel like God really is a big mean kid on an ant hill with a magnifying glass.

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Sheli
September 6th, 2016 at 12:01 AM
Each time I log on here I am reminded that I’m not the only parent struggling to help care for an adult child with a mental illness. I understand people on here and I feel understood. This is good. I’d like everyone to know that regardless of the frustrations they may encounter, they can feel proud of themselves…they are there, with their child…and they are TRYING & DOING everything they are able to do! This is good. Keep showing your children and yourselves love, patience and understanding. When you are stressed out or frustrated, try reminding yourself that tomorrow is another day. Thank you all and God bless.

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Mary
September 6th, 2016 at 9:37 AM
Hang in there, Liz. I pray incessantly for all of us affected by mental illness. The bright spots here and there give me hope that God is listening.

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Evie
September 6th, 2016 at 1:47 PM
Dear all, I left a reply a few days ago but it seems to have disappeared. Here goes again. Penny L, please don’t feel you caused your son to become suicidal. Lately I thought one of my comments caused a twist in my daughter’s delusion. I felt tortured about it. But the thing is, no matter how we act or what we say, their ideas will unexpectedly become more bizarre off and on. Also, one of us was wondering about how we deserve this. I do know that no one gets what is deserved, good or bad. Life happens. We get through it with God’s and each other’s help. This is a repeat, but OUR BEST IS GOOD ENOUGH with our best changing each moment depending on how we feel emotionally and physically. My tears wash over you all. They sparkle in those bright spots. And they blend with yours when we sit in the dark and cry.

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maddie
November 9th, 2016 at 6:20 AM
Thank you Evie that so captures how I am feeling right now as I struggle to write this through my tears. I have just been with mydaugterin hospital where she hurled abuse at me and I have no idea what the trigger was, or even if there was one. In so many ways it would be better if she just hated me, but before I left she hugged me and begged me to forgive her for hurting me. She says she loves me and I believe that somewhere deep in that troubled mind she does but the emotional strain is so hard. It’s not easy to be philosophical but I know what you say is right. If I’m not ok then she will have no one to fight her cause for her. Bless you all for being there for me. It’s a horrid lonely place this.

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Shel
November 9th, 2016 at 1:50 PM
I have just popped into holland and Barrett to pick up some vitamin d and omega 3 tablets for my son and I just thought I would share it with everybody , my daughter has done a bit of reading and has come up with this ..it’s meant to help people with mental health probs ..schitzophrenia etc.
I actually couldn’t give him omega 3 as it’s fish based and he has a fish allergy….so I got flax tablets as it’s the alternative.
Just sharing this.
X
Nicole B
September 27th, 2016 at 11:25 AM
Don’t know what to do. Son 36 years old and sleeping all day. He came to live with me because i was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Now, with medication i have almost a normal life since at least 5 months. I asked him to leave since i can function well now, and we only have a one room what they call a bachelor studio. This is stressful since there is no privacy. He does not look for a place where to live; true he has social anxiety and lives on disability. He is not violent but raises his voice when he feels i insists too much for example to clean after himself. The place smells at times and it is hard to change his bedding…He also likes to drink beer without getting obviously drunk..Don’t know what to do anymore..

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Evie
October 10th, 2016 at 1:24 PM
Dear all, I just need to connect with you courageous friends. I keep using what I’ve learned by and by to GET by….However, I do have an unpleasant feeling of a bitter veil of what IS hanging on me. My daughter who is so oppressed by her delusions causes me to almost always feel that veil. I can’t seem to get away from it. I know you all know what I mean. I woke up yesterday morning with the impression that there are unseen miracles each second. And that our lives are kind of ordered around them. Like backwards from what we sometimes think. Instead of waiting for a miracle of my own imagining, I can be grateful for the miracles each second that are God’s doing. I hope this helps all of you and me.

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Nicole
October 11th, 2016 at 4:44 PM
The miracle that i am thinking is to show the door. Many seem to be afraid to show the door even when thing are getting out of proportion. I think that we are afraid that things would be terrible if someone “the adult child” find himself or herself outside that door. I bet that 90% of the time these people would find their way without our help or support. The human is made to fetch for himself when in need. I seriously am thinking of forcing my son to leave my apartment with the force of law. I perhaps need courage to do so. Somewhat I find it hard to decide myself.

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Deidra
October 13th, 2016 at 5:11 AM
I can’t imagine doing this. I feel responsible for my son. I feel like I brought him into this world and I just can’t throw in the towel because it’s hard and he’s sick. I’m actually getting a divorce because I’m so worried that ones day things will get too rough between my son and my husband (his step-father). I am choosing to be a mother over a wife. I know others wouldnt go this route and I understand that completely but ultimately I feel like I am responsible for him. Im hoping if its just me and him some of the stress will dissipate. I went to my primary Dr to tell her how stressed I am and she offered “deep breathing excercises” and told me “she understands because shes a new mom”,, Sorry Dr. lady you dont have a clue what Im dealing with daily. Every day its worrying, leaving work because somethings wrong, theres a hair in the bathroom and i need to come bleach the bathroom, etc.. but deep breathing excercises.. seriously.
Shel
October 13th, 2016 at 7:30 AM
Hi Deidre . breathing excersises ?? ..
My son is 30 and we’ve been through the mill with him , I divorced his father 12 yrs ago and tbh I can’t imagine setteling down now because of him.
It seems really strange the way that boys allianate the man in their lives .
I actually became friends with his father because of my sons issues but he’s allianating him at the moment … which I find rather worrying because I’m not sure I’m strong enough to do this alone. :(
Deidra
October 13th, 2016 at 7:57 AM
My son is 24. he had a full scholarship for physics engineering when his schizophrenia appeared. I am still heart broken and miss the son I used to have. The one who used to hug me and smile cant bare to even touch my clothes to put them in the dryer from the washer. He resents me even though i am the one who takes care of everything. He cant drive. He cant work. I cry a lot. But he does seem better than he was a couple years ago. Im afraid psych meds will trash his brain and the side effects from them were worse than when hes off them . I worry about the future and who will take care of him if something happens to me or if we get in a fight and i am alone with him. hes very strong.
Nicole
October 13th, 2016 at 9:41 AM
I lately realized something: people are afraid of their adult children: not in a physical way: i mean afraid of the child reaction: for example if we choose to show them the door. We are afraid of being judged by them and by our own selves. All the articles i read here is about fear or so i think more and more. My own 36 years old son in now sleeping, likely until 3 or 4 o’clock this afternoon. Every night until 4 or 5 o’clock into the morning, he plays card games on his Apple, he eats, drink beers and make food for me to clean the dishes at seven thirty in the morning until eight thirty so at least one hour, often more. He refuse that i clean his bed and will not do his laundry himself. So it smells. He says i don’t understand the pain he has: pain in the muscles; there has to be some truth in in pain but he certainly takes the time to get beers almost every evening at 10.30 at the liquor store. Yesterday i was in despair walking down the street not knowing what to do about this situation. I was going to move out of my apartment so he would be obliged to move himself and find a place but it would be so difficult for me to move out from this apartment. It is made for only one person and there would be no room for all the boxes. I gave him until December to find a place but he still is not looking because of his pain so he says. He came here temporarily for 3 months or about and now and it will be 8 months soon. My article is long I know: i hope i have someone at least to see it. Perhaps I like to be a victim and that is why he is still here. Of course that would be something unconscious. Or maybe it is a cultural thing. Thank you all if you are here.

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Sherie
October 13th, 2016 at 12:53 PM
Hi deidra , I’m so sorry for how you feel…I’ve been through this as well.
The worst thing is that sometimes we don’t give a lot of thought to their siblings….my daughter misses her brother terribly, but she stands beside him , at the moment .
I live on egg shells because he’s so unpredictable sometimes, although I’m here to tell you that my son was aggressive with my ex husband and me , I had him arrested at one stage.
We tried different meds and somehow he seemed to calm down, maybe they do over time.
The last meds he was on was alanzapine and he was very good on that but he got a bee in his bonnet about taking them …so he came of slowly but not slow enough and was back on them quite quickly ( it was unbearable) he finished with his psychiatrist after about a year and then spoke about coming off the meds again , anyway this time he did it with the doctor and us watching him … It took 9 months or so.
He’s been off for a year and no side affects obviously, ( he put on too much weight and slept all the time, with the drugs)
He still has episodes at least once a week , but I’ve noticed these getting more controlled.
And they don’t last so long ..he’s learnt to take himself home and just to see us the next day , thankfully he has his own flat.
Benefits here has been so useful but they are taking them away at the moment , I’ve noticed lots of kids sleeping on the street and they all have mental health probs ,
On our last benefit meeting the lady that does the paper work told us that they can’t stay on drugs inevitably because it affects their organs.
I feel that he was on the drugs for long enough …although the way he’s treating his dad at the moment I think he would like to see him back on, but his dad can be a funny sometimes.
Shel

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Nicole
October 13th, 2016 at 1:38 PM
This is addressed to Deidra: PLEASE do everything to end living in fear of being attacked physically. Under no circumstances should you remain in this atmosphere of fear. Daily frustration is hard enough but now you are saying you are afraid of being hit by your own son. I don’t like to tell you that but i suspect he is bullying you. We excuse too much because of mental illnesses and i think adult children are rampantly aware of this more and more nowadays. As a matter of fact some wear their illness like a badge. My son often tells me: as a highly autistic person i this and i that,or i can’t do this because of my ocd etc…by the way he is still sleeping.., but i try to maintain my moral..i did some breathing exercises on the balcony this morning; i refuse to let this challenge overcome me. Easy to say i know, but i think i often blow things out of proportion because I don’t understand what’s going on under the surface. I want to remain calm and in control of my life.

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Evie
October 14th, 2016 at 5:29 AM
My dear dear Nicole, you said “Thank you all if you are here.”…Yes I am here. We are all here. We hug you from afar as our compassion and encouragement ring out to you. Listen. You can hear us…No one can tell you exactly what to do. There is no right or wrong way to get through the struggle of losing your child as he or she becomes someone else who obeys the urgings of inner turmoil. For us it is like standing on the tracks while a train without brakes bears down on us….And like you said, inner peace and control of our lives is what we yearn for. If our individual situations lack these, I do feel that our next step should include a way for this to happen. Our plans can be made thoughtfully and without a sense of guilt as we consider what helps us to avoid losing who we are.

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Deidra
October 14th, 2016 at 9:27 AM
aint that the truth. this is no right or wrong. theres just moment to moment decisions and we do the best we can and make the best decisions we can.

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Madie
March 20th, 2017 at 12:05 PM
I need your advice my dear friends. I thought we were getting somewhere, despite some setbacks. My daughter has expressed her love and gratitude which is lovely, but we have got stuck. I was seeming to get her through tough times but now she is turning on me again and I don’t know why. Should I try and help and risk saying something that will set her off again (it is so difficult if not impossible to predict how things will be interpreted) or stay silent and distant and risk her going off the rails again. Actually one of the hardest things is that she says that it is my fault when she gets upset, so the stakes are so high for me that I get tongue tied and nervous and even more likely to make a slip. I feel caught in a no hope situation, damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I’m not explaining this very well. I just want us to keep trying but what if I cause her to relapse? When she says she doesn’t know how she’d manage without me I feel trapped and unable to walk away. She says we should talk more but there are no safe topics. If I tell her about my days she says it is painful for her to see me leading my nice little life when she hasn’t one. If I ask about hers I am prying. If I talk about things that interest her or ask how things are going, or suggest anything I am ‘power tripping’ to use her words. Give up? Keep trying? What on earth should I do?

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sherie h
March 21st, 2017 at 3:04 AM
This is how it is for me ! I keep expecting to carry on and he will get better ! But I’ve learnt that scitzophrenia is just this … it’s ups and downs and backward and forward until your heads spinning. I’m trying hard to go with the flow. My sons just walked away from a place that has given him solace for three years and I desperately want him back there because unless he is then we bear the brunt !! But I think we all go through this . I haven’t learnt how to have a nice cosy life yet I just seem to torcher myself with endless work.
Deidra
October 14th, 2016 at 7:00 AM
He doesnt bully me and usually hes pretty okay. But he obsesses over germs and things being contaminated and that increases his anxiety when he thinks something is contaminated. To him his worries are very real. My husband (his stepdad) doesnt know how to deescalate situations and thinks that he can just say ” that doesnt make sense etc . to him ” he doesnt understand that my sons issues are real. He has disorganized paranoid schizophrenia so yeah his room will probably get pretty messy, and yeah he will wash his clothes over and over , But my husband thinks he can just argue with him to the point where it will make sense to him but all it does is make him upset. I need him to accept that what my sons sees/feels is REAL to him and MAKES SENSE to him although its not how we or a “normal” person would do things. I find that trying to understand the reasons my son has for doing what he does makes things go easier and sometimes surprisingly he has a valid reason for doing what he does. (for example using toilet paper to open doors with) yep there are def germs all over door knobs! SO he uses lots of toilet paper. This is a big issue to my husband “wasting toilet paper” i know you and i wouldnt have probs opening a door, and yeah i pay more for toilet paper than the average person. But to my son the germs are real .

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Nicole
October 14th, 2016 at 5:23 PM
thank you Evie for reading me. It really is appreciated. Deidra, my son also uses so much toilet paper, the other day more than 2 rolls. I can’t understand his need for toilet paper. He also has habits such as putting a sheet at the bottom of the entrance door so not to smell the neighbours perfumes. Even my shoes that were on the floor were irritating his sight. I wonder what’s going on into their minds. We need courage to go on…Thank you all.

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Gail
October 18th, 2016 at 6:44 PM
Here we are into fall….I think back…I made it through this summer…with my son…he had no job…all summer…some days I’d go into my bedroom to get away from him..his verbal attack on me was awful…he continuely touched me…my face…ears…or would hug me to tight….some days he was nice to me other days he would tell me to stop breathing…yesterday. .was one of those days…he does have a job now…his small children are so happy when he goes to work…they live with me and my husband…the girls and us has alot of peace when he isn’t here….I can’t say much because my son needs to live here…with his children…the children need to be here…they are happy and they need us…the grandparents!!…I just have to deal with him till the children turn 18..another 11 yesrs….then I can tell him to leave…

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Deidra
October 19th, 2016 at 7:34 AM
LMR im sorry you to call the police and i can understand your worries and heartbreak over your son being in jail. This is also a fear of mine that I may have to do this myself one day and Im afraid of how the police will react. Im actually getting divorced to try and prevent this from happening with my son and his step-dad. i can just feel it coming and Im always afraid when they are both home and im not there. My husband walks on eggshells around my son and its not fair to him. My son has grabbed me by my face and not let go before and I was home alone with him. Every once in awhile I get my nerve up to confront him on how he treats me and he just ignore me. he acts like I am useless, stupid, dirty ( he wont touch anything i have touched , i had to go home from work one day because he called me all pissed off i had washed one of my towels in with his so he was going to put a watch i had bought my other son for xmas into the washer) i miss my boy who smiled and hugged me , every day my heart is broken. he is not on meds because they had so many side effects it just wasnt worth it. risperdal caused breast growth, abilify caused akathesia, homicidal and suicidal thoughts. you know what its like when your driving in the car alone with your child and he turns to you and says, ” i need to go to the hospital im thinking about suicide and homicide”. so the last couple of years we have done no meds and he seems to gradually be getting better.Im hoping his brain will heal over time and im afraid the psych meds will cause permanent damage.

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Lmr
October 19th, 2016 at 6:54 PM
Thanks for all your caring words. My son was sending me angry text messages during the day so I knew he wasn’t arrested yet. Haven’t heard from him for about 5 hours so now I dont know. I am just hoping for the best. We wanted him hospitalized not jailed. I should have known better than to call the police. I was scared because he threatened to kill his dad and tried to throw him down the basement steps. I really wanted my son off medicine but the last 5 months have been hell since he stopped taking it. I was hoping my old son would come back if he was off medicine. He just got worse though. I will let you know what happens if he goes to court and jail. I hope he doesn’t lose his apartment too. I could never let him move back home. He is 30 and should be on his own. Thanks for listening.

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Shel
October 20th, 2016 at 12:21 PM
Lmr .. try and pay his rent for him cos if he moves in with you your life won’t be worth living …
please keep in touch and let us know how it’s going
Shel
Evie
October 19th, 2016 at 8:58 AM
My dear enduring Gail, I hear your pain and see your vision of the future. All I know is that we will somehow get through what we don’t know. Your son’s status quo is fragile and we all know what that means. And that causes your status quo to be fragile as well. I hug you now, hoping you feel it! And I encourage you to be brave and keep going. We all support you!! Sending love and peace to you and to all of us, Evie

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Gail
October 19th, 2016 at 9:22 AM
Thank you eve…actually I’m sick in bed with the flu today…he has brought me drinks and actually he seems to care….today…

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Deidra
October 19th, 2016 at 10:01 AM
Im jealous, i think i could be ran over by a semi and my son wouldnt flinch and just complain it was my own fault. Doesnt matter how much I do for him . I get nothing back except disgust and disdain. Today i asked why he cant have a simple conversation with me or be nice to me and he said ” You don’t eat collard greens and your low on vitamin K” and thats why he doesnt talk to me… all i wanted was a thank you for bringing him KFC on my lunch hour. Then he yelled at me to “go away”. try not to cry when i come back to work.

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Gail
October 19th, 2016 at 10:12 AM
I’m so sorry…I generally get that most days from him..
So I kno where you’re coming from…with the grace of God…we will get through this…I try to hold tight when something good comes my way..
Sherie
October 19th, 2016 at 10:45 AM
I can’t believe they can be so caring one day and complete pigs the next .

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Sherie
October 19th, 2016 at 10:47 AM
Looking at this I’m wondering if we all need to become a lot stronger …. some how.

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Gail
October 19th, 2016 at 4:48 PM
I spoke to soon…he just asked me aren’t you dead yet…and now he just sprayed cologne all over the house. ..I’ve been sick all day…

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Sherie
October 20th, 2016 at 10:51 AM
Oh god.
I just don’t know what to say..I hate the fact that he’s sprayed stuff in your …YOUR home.
I am relieved that I can send my son home ..is there any way you can get him his own place…or supported living….???

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Gail
October 20th, 2016 at 1:09 PM
He has to live here to keep his children here…he is the most Unrespected person I know…he was not raised like this…the children and I are jumping for joy now…he has left for work!!!!!!!

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Lmr
October 20th, 2016 at 5:50 PM
I did find out my son is in jail. He must have been taken in last night. I just want him to get help. Believe me Shel , I will pay his rent. There is no way he could live here again. I am just worried he will lose the apartment because he is on an assistance program. Not sure what the rules are. I am is rep payee for his ssi. That is another problem because he is always demanding money from me. I will keep you posted on what happens. He was charged with domestic violence against his dad.

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Shel
October 21st, 2016 at 3:19 PM
Oh god … I had to have my son arrested when he was really bad because he got hold of me against the car .. I’m glad I did because he needed that lesson , but In England the police are much softer than in America so he was never charged or anything.
I have exactly the same problem with money with my son , but I do make him earn it ! I normally ask him to spend an hour in the garden or cleaning the car … anything really.
I have a few jobs and I seem to just hand it over to him sometimes.
I’m so glad his dads involved , cos I couldn’t do this alone.
Please keep in touch and let me know how it goes .
X

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nicole
October 22nd, 2016 at 2:07 PM
The more i read the comments the more i think that these adult children are bullies. What they are after is the comfort that the parents are bringing them. My son is still here accusing me of everything and i see a pattern with all the posts in here. This is exactly what i’m going through for years. Taking the blame; we are ruining our lives because we are afraid of i don’t know what. Fear is ruling our lives..

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Shel
October 23rd, 2016 at 11:52 PM
Nicole I’ve seen the pattern as well , I think we live in fear of them taking their lives because we couldn’t live with it .
X

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Deidra
October 24th, 2016 at 9:55 AM
I remind myself that my son is sick. I can’t abandon him because his illness makes him act differently than he used to. I just don’t see an alternative (yet, i may get to that point one day) as to what else to do. We tried an assisted living place that I thought was perfect! it lasted 3 months after he took a deck of cards and wrote math problems and vietnamese on them. The manager actually said, ” some of the residents thought it might be terrorist activities…lol ” of course I knew it was just my sons obsession with foreign languages and math and he desperately wants to share what he knows albeit in the wrong manner. I see glimpses of him registering what I say. For example the other day I told him I wish we could have more conversations like we used to ,, he ended up telling me to go away. But later my dad took him to the store and said he brought it up ” mom said she wants to have more conversations” I was surprised because I thought he was just ignoring me as he never took his eyes off the computer the whole time I spoke to him. So maybe things take awhile to get through to him. However, I am always the one who takes the brunt and blame for anything. All his anger and frustration are taken out on me. Perhaps because I am the one who is always around and I run interference between him and everyone else trying to deescalate situations.

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Deidra
October 24th, 2016 at 10:09 AM
Poll : Obsessions / Activities ? just wondering what everyones kids like to do or any obsessions you have seen manifest . My son is “pre-occupied” with :
foreign languages (esp. vietnamese, korean and pronouncing words how they are formed in your throat. )
Math Math more Math ( i have the feeling this is karma for me cheating my way through geometry in school)..
Anatomy.. if I have to hear about the chrichothyroid whatever.. im going to lose my mind.
Germs.
people not wearing shirts (this is a major issue he thinks its just disgusting and shields his eyes and wont look at someone he almost panics)
Goes through toilet paper like its going out of style.. I wish I could send you guys a picture I took when we bought 100 rolls of tp and he stacked them all on top of each other on the conveyor belt when I wasnt looking. * there are some funny moments and it has made me really not care about what other people think anymore.. lol
nicole
October 22nd, 2016 at 3:35 PM
I must do it in writing. I am constantly thinking of calling the police. I don’t know what is stopping me. Am i afraid of hurting him, or something else. He is not dangerous but talks loud at me when i try to explain that the situation is unacceptable. Such as living 2 people in such a small place. A one room bachelor. To no avail. He has is comfort, his daily beer and a lot of good food. Sure he has fear issues, too long to explain. I told him last evening that i wanted so much to be alone and he replied that i always wanted to get rid of him. It don’t make sense since he is 36 years old. If i’m so despicable why doesn’t he leaves. I think it is the food and the free apartment he’s after. Strange: living with someone and not being able to figure them out.

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Lmr
October 23rd, 2016 at 3:29 PM
Hi everyone. I went to my son’s apartment to get his cat. We did some cleaning and found an empty can of duster in the garbage and some straws and powder. He was huffing and snorting something. That kind of explains the anger and violence and where all the money was going. It was disheartening because I thought he gave up drugs a few years ago. I think when he stopped his meds he substituted with that stuff. He is in jail at least until court of November 18. He called last night begging us to use his social security money and bail him out. I just can’t do it because maybe they will help him. I just don’t know how to tell him I won’t do it. He is 30 and needs to learn and grow up.

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Shel
October 23rd, 2016 at 11:49 PM
Lmr I totally agree with what your doing I never bailed my son out , he was only kept over night but I wouldn’t have done it even if it was longer .. you have to draw the line and he has to learn.
I’m sorry about the drug thing though .
Make sure the cats alright won’t you x
Take this time to chill out and know that he will be drug free inside because he has no money to buy them .. x

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nicole
October 24th, 2016 at 10:21 AM
We “I” have to stop being afraid of hurting someone else. Adults are made to fend for themselves; and by continuing rationalizing their stalling we are stalling our own lives. My son often tells me that i focus too much on him, that there is something wrong with me for doing so..Everyday i’m counting the days. I gave him until the end of November to call the authorities. I read a lot of stories on the Internet that feel exactly the same as my story with my son. I think it is about culpability. I have to deliver myself from this servitude. I am tired of being hostage.
Shel
October 24th, 2016 at 12:09 PM
Hi Nicola , I think we all hold our selves hostage in different ways .
I know I wouldn’t be in this country at all if it wasn’t for my son.
And I won’t allow myself to meet anyone because I can’t explain why I spend so much time with him and I won’t allow anyone in my life because they will take up his time.
I don’t enjoy spending as much time as I do with my ex … but we need each other because of my son.
I worry about dying and leaving him alone .
Evie
October 24th, 2016 at 11:16 AM
Helpful hints for LMR and all of us: Your child will never understand you. Avoid feeling bad about that. I’ve told my daughter that I realize she has ideas that she follows. I told her that I also have ideas that I must follow. We worry that we might say or do something to lower their opinion of us. It harms our inner peace when we worry about that. There are there are two languages being spoken here. Theirs and ours. We cannot speak their language unless we become as ill as they are…LMR, please stay who you are. Dont lose yourself. Follow your instincts as best you can. Your best is good enough. Practice staying calm in the midst of listening to a language you don’t understand. If you give into your son’s ideas it won’t fix the language problem. If you cause him to see you as an angel one day, he will most certainly find reason to see you as a devil the next…Often there seems to be no one solution to our problem. Yet I do know we can help each other walk through the valley of the shadow of death instead of setting up camp in it… Love you all, Evie

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maddie
November 7th, 2016 at 2:45 AM
Evie your posts are so helpful. Thank you so much. This description of the two languages captures perfectly the anguish I feel. I have always thought I was good at communicating, but my discussions with my daughter make me feel totally disillusioned. I will keep your message close to my heart to give me strength when things go wrong with what I say and do. Thank you.

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Lmr
October 30th, 2016 at 5:54 PM
My son is ok now with not getting bailed out of jail. He would rather just stay there instead of getting out and being sentenced and then going back. He is refusing medicine since he quit taking his meds in May. We went to a NAMI meeting and they are suggesting drug treatment. For the last 10 years, my son has either been on street drugs or antipsychotics. He sounds very clear on the phone now that he is on nothing. He is denying the drug use though. He thinks i am naive. We have to talk to the public defender to see about drug treatment. Take care all of you!

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Bia
October 31st, 2016 at 5:27 AM
I’m ill with a degenerative disease, quadriplegic and bed-ridden and my mother told me to find somewhere else to live because she can’t stand me. She wants me to work on my computer selling thing for her and as I said it is not possible due to the obvious she wants me out. She curses and hates on me all day long unless I’m giving her my money, but once she gets it, the abuse begins. I told her today my bladder stopped working. which it did, I spent over half an hour trying to empty it manually and she told me to stop making things up and stop being a clown. She had hit me before and threatens me all the time. One thing I tell you, if your parents abuse you leave if you can asap. I would if I could and would never look back.

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Deidra
October 31st, 2016 at 9:43 AM
Is there a way you can activate the camera and record her when shes not properly caring for you ? It will be her word against yours. if possible record it or your concerns and email the police and social security office.

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Maree D.
November 5th, 2016 at 5:23 PM
I have found caring for a child with mental illness to be both difficult and so rewarding. It takes work to find the balance and even more work to try and maintain the balance. I can say I have found many blessing in the midst of caring for someone with a mental illness. I would never wish it on anyone nor call mental illness a blessing but I am a kinder, more accepting, more patient person. I plan to write about it on my blog later this month.

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Shel
November 5th, 2016 at 9:19 PM
I’m afraid I don’t share this ! I find life much too stressful caring for someone with mental health issues , I’m yet to find anything rewarding .
I just want my son back … the one who left while I looked away.

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Deidra
November 7th, 2016 at 5:21 AM
I also have not found anything “rewarding” maybe my experience is different but personally ive found it to be a personal hell. extremely galvonizingly sad, i cry myself to sleep and i wake up crying and its been over 4 years since my son was diagnosed with schizophrenia. my once happy , dry sense of humour that loved and hugged now cant stand to look at me, touch me (yelled at me for “trying to touch his hands” when he handed me our cat) i am a whore, a communist, a computer porn maker, and the oddest a 2-dimensional penguin.. he hates me. i live my life for him. i tried explaining to him that i work 2 jobs and i am tired he said, ” you should your big enough for 2 people” . my old son would have never said such a terrible thing. I have my heart broken every day. not rewarding at all. I want my son back. He can’t live on his own, social security doesn’t cover enough to be independent. He has such disdain for me.
maddie
November 6th, 2016 at 10:16 AM
Today I realised just how much this wonderful brave group of people are helping me. After seeming to be making real progress, my beautiful daughter has been hospitalised again. However, this time I feel much more able to cope despite my grief because I know you will be thinking of me, as I am of all of you when times get tough. Here’s to us. May we all stay strong together for our poor children’s sakes. Thank you all.

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Evie
November 7th, 2016 at 7:22 AM
Dear brave friends, I am thinking about what Maddie said. It is true. As se look in the mirror we see we have helped each other find inner strength. It shines from our eyes as well as our tears. Lately it has helped me to also realize my daughter can’t return the unconditional or caretaking tyoe of love I have for her. Somehow knowing this helps me avoid giving into sentimental emotions which counteract my hold on reality and acceptance. Shel, please feel my finger on your cheek as it wipes away that tear.

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Deidra
November 7th, 2016 at 9:23 AM
Evie~ regarding your comment ” Lately it has helped me to also realize my daughter can’t return the unconditional or caretaking tyoe of love I have for her. Somehow knowing this helps me avoid giving into sentimental emotions which counteract my hold on reality and acceptance.” Thanks for posting this. getting to this point/realization myself might help me esp with being sentimental. I try to to not things bother me but I’m just immensly sad inside. Its hard being the target of his anger day after day.

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Evie
November 7th, 2016 at 11:02 AM
My dear saddened Diedra, Your pain overwhelms me. It’s like I can touch it in its devastation. I am so sorry you are caught in the crossfire of your son’s passion. I think of that passion as their fuel which runs them to replace the initiative they once had. A psychologist told me that their delusions are their best friends. It helps me to consider that despite the cruelty. Our children have lost everything including who they used to be. Yet I know they still feel connected to us, which might be why they hurl their tortured thoughts AT us. I’ve had to fall in love with my daughter again since her transformation. I choose not to miss the former gal which has been painfully difficult. I just keep practicing…Love and peace to you, Evie

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Deidra
November 11th, 2016 at 11:52 AM
Shanon. maybe this will be helpful. Documents%20and%20Settings/DAK1119/My%20Documents/Downloads/MO%20Guardianship%20RESOURCE%20GUIDE%20rev%20Dec%202010.pdf

mobar.org/uploadedFiles/Home/Publications/Legal_Resources/Brochures_and_Booklets/Family_Law_Conference/Children%20with%20Disabilities.pdf

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Ronee
November 14th, 2016 at 2:03 PM
I have a 24 year old son who has Bipolar and behavioral disorder on top of a few other disorders. My father had the same thing and ended up taking his own life. My son threatens suicide all the time, and he is very verbally and physically abusive towards me.
My younger brother who is 38 also has Bipolar and multiple personality disorder. He has attempted suicide numerous times and is very anusive both verbally and physically towards my sister and I. Niether my sor nor my brother will take thier meds or get any help. I recently lost my job because my son went in to my place of employment and got into a fight with a coworker and also because I left one night to go get my brother who had called and said he had just been assualted by his partner (which wasnt true) to get him to safety. I am now in danger of losing my apartment because of the violent outburst my son has when he comes home after being gone for days sometimes weeks doing drugs and god knows what else. My sister and I are just at our wits end. We do not know how to help them. Like alot of you on here, i love my son and my brother more than i could ever say, but i am scared of them. They have made threats on our lives had physically assulted us. They both have been to jail numerous times. We always try to tell the judge, or DA about thier mental illnesses and that it would be more beneficial for them to be put into a mental health hospital so they can get the help they both desperately need, but always seems to be disregaurded. I do not know what to do anymore. We have talked to a lot of different places only to always be told that if they are not willing to get the help they need there is nothing anyone else can do. How can that be? Why cant my sister and I help them get the help. I am scared that one day either my sister or myself are not going to make it thru one of thier episodes (thats what my sister calls it). I cant turn my back on my family. I love them despite the things they have done or put us thru. But I also know that I cant keep living like this, my son has stole everything that i ever had of value, he threatens physical harm all the time on me, and then when a few days has gone by he always says he is sorry or that he doesnt remeber the whole thing. My brother is exactly the same way to me and my sister. Please if anyone here knows where we can go or who we can talk to, to try and get them both some help I would be forever greatful to you. I just dont know what to do anymore. I fear for the safety of my sister and myself as well as the safety of my brother and my son. We lost our father (who was also a very abusive man verbally and physically ) i do not want to lose my son and my brother as well. I dont sleep well and can hardly ever eat anymore with all this happening all the time. My sister is the same. She is always crying now and lives with the constant thoughts of have we done everything we can for them, or what have we done wrong to deserve this to happen , why cant we fix them.. I feel like we are being punished. I try to explain to her that its thier mental Health disorders that make them act like this to us, but i am starting to feel the same way she does.

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Shel
November 16th, 2016 at 7:52 AM
In England is somebody threatens to take their own life then they are sectioned .
Not sure about the rules in your country though ..
Even if they don’t threaten suicide if I were you I would lie … to get the help they desperately need , your son first .

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maddie
November 16th, 2016 at 3:45 PM
Do you know what? I have had enough. I have just done my utmost to provide a bit of comfort to my daughter in hospital and she has subjected me to a torrent of abuse. I don’t know why and even asking why is me adding to the abuse according to her. I somehow sort of ought to know why. I just want to take the tablets and let them all get on with it. This is the most hurtful unbearable thing imaginable. I can’t carry on. Good luc to you all.

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Shel
November 17th, 2016 at 2:43 PM
can’t tell you how many times I feel like doing just this , but I can’t … because he would be so lost and alone.
I also feel like my life is over and I’m trudging on just for my sons sake … he was doing so well and now we’re back in the hole again fighting to get out .
Please see someone .. I’m pretty sure that we’re all really worried about you right now and to be honest it’s too much to bear .

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Deidra
November 16th, 2016 at 7:27 PM
Maddie ~ please go to the ER if you are thinking of harming yourself (was that what you implied by “taking the tablets”? I have to admit there have been times that I have thought about how can I possibly do this the rest of my life . The bad days I feel like they will last forever but then there’s that one rare day when I get a thank you for something . (Normal parents take so much for granted don’t they) it’s so hard giving giving giving and getting the wrath of mental illness thrown back in your face . I hate schizophrenia. It’s destroyed my sons life it’s slowly destroying mine . It’s destroyed my marriage . I encouraged my other 2 sons to join the military so it didn’t destroy theirs. But tonight is a rare night . He cleaned his room! because I’m trying to sell my house due to my son and husband fighting and it’s the only way to prevent a future serious problem is to live with my son alone. There are small moments when the sun shines a day thru the clouds and I have hope . Please don’t give up . Get some rest.

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maddie
November 17th, 2016 at 2:35 AM
Thank you Dierdra, I’m still here and more positive today, due in a huge part to friends like you in this group. The part I’m struggling to keep is hope. So many times when there are glimmers of it, they are blown out by the tornado that the illness generates. Still, thanks again, although those words feel inadequate to convey the relief and support you all give so generously

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Evie
November 18th, 2016 at 2:22 PM
My dear heartbroken Maddie, It took my breath away to hear of your desperation. What I have to offer is so meager. I know that with practice we can remember that the behavior of our struggling children is not to be given any meaning. There is no meaning to it. It is just to be endured while keeping our emotions in a safe and guarded place. We look at what is happening. We hear it. We relate to it the way we would deal with any type of nonsense. It is just so much noise, so much flurry. Placing no meaning upon it, we determine to be objective. Yet of course all the while loving the child whose brain is not cooperating with that love or with reality.

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Diane
November 19th, 2016 at 12:34 PM
Evie, you always give such good advice. I really needed to hear your words today . Thank you.

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maddie
November 18th, 2016 at 4:26 PM
Oh my dear friends. Please don’t worry about me, I’m going to be ok. I dug deep and found some extra resources. I need to be able to express the depth of despair sometimes and my close family and friends are too close. You my fellow sufferers understand. Thank you for being there. Shel, are you out of your hole again yet? That’s how life is for us isn’t it. But be strong. My thoughts are with you. It will come right again, if only for a while. Thank you all.

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Shel
November 19th, 2016 at 12:50 PM
Hi Maddie , were in the dreadful position of having to suggest he go back on medication … it’s been a year.
He was continually talking about coming off meds and in the end it was a relief when he did …. a year later and now he’s making no sense and we can’t make him go on it, it was ok for the first six months .
He’s very uncomfortable to be around when he talks we answer but we’re not allowed to ask any questions , this has been creeping up on us for a while .
Not sure which way to go … I’ve asked his doctor to ask him to come in for a chat , and I’m not sure how that’s gone because we’re not allowed to ask.
It’s like living on a knife edge .
I feel for you and all of us on here because I feel much like you ..sometimes I just want to get off the mental health bus .
But how can I ??
I blame myself for leaving his dad when he was 18 and moving him .
And then I left the country for a few months during the summer months .
I felt that I’d been set free for a while , but now .. I’m stuck.
:(

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Rosanna
November 18th, 2016 at 4:27 PM
Take a deep breath in through your nose… hold 5 seconds… breathe out. Do this 3x. Tell yourself “Relax” out loud. Hold your hands open on your lap… so they face the sky. Tell yourself: “It will be okay. Everything’s going to work out. My child didn’t create this sickness. I didn’t create this illness. I didn’t cause this illness. My child didn’t cause this illness. Neither my child nor I can control this illness. This illness was fate appointed. We didn’t ask for it. But here it is. I accept it. I can accept it. I will accept it. I must accept it. If it is not easy for me, I know it is not easy for my son (or daughter). People have other serious illnesses. What do they do? What do they do if they hear they have stage 4 lung cancer… for instance. What can one do? One sees a doctor. One prays. One asks for help from others who are trained to deal with that particular illness. One accepts the help. One rests. One looks for comfort. One eliminates as much stress as one can, whenever possible. One learns to enjoy the seconds. We don’t know how long we will be here on earth. For this moment I can laugh with my loved one. I can ask God to help us. I realize this is the time to save my energy. This is not the time to nitpick. Let it go. Let a lot of little things go. It’s not worth fighting over some things. Life has changed forever now. It’s like when one hears: Sir (or maam), I’m sorry to tell you this but you have a terminal illness. You must change whatever you envisioned for your life or your child’s life. It will never be the same. But we must take the lemon and make lemonade out of it. What else can we do? That’s all we can do. We must enjoy our child for who they are now. Any moment we can enjoy, lets enjoy it. I am getting older. But aren’t we all? I must learn to value life differently than my neighbors. I have a terminal illness now. It’s called schizophrenia. I used to hate it. But what can I do except look at it as a teacher. It has opened a new journey to me. It has opened a new life to us. It is not at all what I thought it would be. But would it be different if my child had gotten some other rare terminal illness? What if s/he had been born with no legs or no arms or half a brain? There are such cases. Why not me or him or her or us. Who said life is fair? Life is life. It is what it is. We must deal with it. It doesn’t help to think of how it was or might have been. That is not reality. So let’s celebrate what we have. Let’s celebrate all the pluses in our lives…. there must be some mustn’t there? We have our breathe…. we can breathe deeply and be here in this moment. Try to connect with God and Love. Try to connect with hope. We have each other. Complaining only works us up. It’s okay to report but complaining will only hurt us and our loved ones (I learned most of all this from other programs that have helped me… like Recovery international… every tuesday night from 7 pm to 8 pm Sardaa holds a conference CALL internationally. Look it up. It’s for people who have someone in the family with sz.. or a related illness… sometimes it helps.. other times it doesn’t. .. for me, I must think of things to be grateful for. Otherwise, when I think of frustrations… like people at work who hurt my reputation or failures I had .. it only gives me headaches and tension… it makes me feel down. I can’t afford that today. I need to be lifted up. Ok.. so I failed… many times. Ok so I got fired quite a few times. But i was trying my best. What more can i do? I am not a perfect person and neither are they. So they hurt me. I’ve hurt others too. I may have hurt them first, unintentionally on my part.. but they hurt so they punched me back… maybe I hurt their bottom line so they had to let me go. Or they had to write me up to protect themselves, even if it was unfair to me… they were just thinking they had to protect themselves. Now I must let it go. I have to learn from it and move on. For my mental, spiritual, and emotional health. I must give them to God. Give all the hate and hurt to my Lord who loves me and whom I trust and believe will carry me through to the end. Me and my child. And all of us who are hurting. Let us try to love each other…. that’s all we seem able to do right. And if our children misunderstand or blame us… we have to forgive them. We have to give them and this illness to God. It will all work out. It’s going to be ok. Give yourself a hug. Like they say in 12 step programs: Trust God, Clean House, Help others. and “Ask God to direct our thoughts” also to paraprase: When in doubt, try to pause and ask God to help us make a decision. Then relax. Don’t force things. At the end of the day think over your day and think of where you went wrong and might have done better. Don’t beat yourself up. Just try to do better the next day. God will lead us if we let Him (or Her or whatever your vision of God is)… Do your best and leave the results up to God. Then accept it. If you don’t like the result move on. Don’t let regrets live in your head. You did the best you could at the time. And so is your child. They are just doing the best they can. Don’t live the past with regret or preview the future with fear. Pat yourself on the back for everything you are trying to do. If all you can do for now is to make it through the day, or the hour, or the minute… give yourself a mental hug and congratulate yourself. You are a miracle!! Keep up the effort and good work. Give yourself a break. Look to yourself for those inner endorsements. As Dr. Abraham Low taught me: One inner endorsement is worth more than a thousand outer endorsements. Give yourself secure thoughts… change the insecure thoughts to secure thoughts. You can do it! It’s simple but not easy.

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Evie
November 21st, 2016 at 7:09 AM
My dear determined Shel, It somehow helped me to hear that my daughter hasn’t been unique when she has become angry with any and all questions. This has lessened since ahe has been on her meds more consistently for several months. Some of her delusions absolutely do not change though. In general I think she is less tortured when on meds and her ideas are less intensely nonsensical and less dangerous. We have more good moments together which by no means eliminates the impossible ones. You spoke of being back in a hole. I’ve jumped in and out of them so often the past several years that they are starting to resemble level ground, LOL…We all need to pace ourselves and just do the next thing. WE CAN DO IT!…I’m extremely grateful for all the dear people involved with this support connection. I hope all of you feel me hugging you and feel our mingled tears on your cheek as we hug.

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maddie
November 23rd, 2016 at 4:09 PM
The best thing in all this horrid mess is the sharing and caring of this group. It is so hard to admit how hurtful life is with these challenges. My friends all seem to have hugely successful children with happy fulfilled lives and would just rather not know thank you very much about my daughter’ problems. So I stay quiet and keep it all inside and thank whatever power for good there is that I have real friends with whom I can share my anguish. 2when Evie talks about hugs and wiping away tears it is the greatest comfort I know. Thank you all. We must keep on keeping on. Xx

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Shel
November 23rd, 2016 at 9:55 PM
It just never goes away does it ? … my son was very aware that he wasn’t making any sense today .. so much so that he walked away from us to try and fix his muddled thoughts !! I feel terrible for his constant battle for normality and his strengh ! He will not admit that he has a problem and it’s his down fall because we could help him but he won’t let us .. instead seeing us as the enemy , this is the saddest thing I’ve ever had to go through .
Deidra
November 21st, 2016 at 11:40 AM
STUDENT LOANS- I don’t know if anyone elses kid has a student loan. I just got paperwork filled out from my sons Dr to have his loan forgiven since he is disabled.

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Diane
November 21st, 2016 at 3:05 PM
Please let us know if that can be done. My 28 year old has enormous student loans to pay a back. She has been diagnosed with schizophrenia.

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Deidra
November 22nd, 2016 at 5:07 AM
STUDENT LOANS- My 24 yr old son was also diagnosed with Schizophrenia. There is a special disability forgiveness form that I had my sons Dr. fill out (a neurologist that evaluated him at Cleveland Clinic) they also wrote a nice letter that I sent with it but you don’t need it. You just need the Dr. to complete the form from the financial aide website.
Deidra
November 24th, 2016 at 12:28 PM
I just created a Facebook closed group called Caregivers and Parents of Schizophrenia Bi-polar mental illness if anyone wants to join .

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Shel
November 24th, 2016 at 1:58 PM
Yes please . I will try and find you .

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wendy
November 27th, 2016 at 2:05 PM
I would like to join….please let me know name of FP thank you

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Deidra
November 28th, 2016 at 11:14 AM
I closed the group since it seemed I wouldnt have many interested before I saw your posts. I have joined another FB goup thats been helpful. search for FAMILIES LIVING WITH SCHIZOPHRENIA. it says there are 157 members so Im hoping with more people maybe i can get more information/ideas. etc. You can find my name on it and add me as a friend if you want.
Gail
November 25th, 2016 at 3:08 AM
Well..we made it through Thanksgiving…with our 30 year old bipolar son…he ran his Unrespected mouth all day…but I survived

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maddie
November 26th, 2016 at 3:44 PM
Well done. The big family occasions are hell aren’t they? The biggest emotion is guilt. I feel guilty when I’m relieved if my daughter doesn’t want to see me, guilty when I plan things that don’t include her because I know she’ll ambush and ruin them and the she piles on the guilt by blaming me for everything that has happened to her. The awful thing is I’m starting to believe it and blame myself. What a living hell.

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Shel
November 27th, 2016 at 12:59 PM
Hi maddie , what is it with the blame thing .
I didn’t make my son experiment with drugs…I don’t even smoke and drink , so why do we feel guilt …
Deidra
November 26th, 2016 at 6:59 PM
I just feel like crying (crying now) I’m tired of trying and only getting disdain back from my son . Only you guys understand my husband (his stepdad) sure as hell doesn’t . No one understands the depth of this how much it hurts me day after day after day and I don’t mean to sound like I’m throwing my own pity party but I miss my son. I’m angry and can’t express it because how can one angry at my sick son ? It’s it his fault so my anger has nowhere to go . Ive been working out which has helped a lot as well as upping my depression mess. It’s not helping . I don’t know how I can do this the rest of my life . I feel like I’ve been crying for 4 years . I’m
Getting divorced , selling my house just to reduce the stress from y husband (his stepdad) who just makes things worse ( yeah if he kept his room clean maybe he could find his food stamp card but if you would actually educate yourself to my sons disease you might realize that he’s disorganized because he has DISORGANIZED PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIA ! But you won’t because even after 4 years of watching me cry yet still be oblivious to how this has affected me you still really don’t care. So your petty comments just remind me why we are getting divorced ) . Yes I’ve gained weight thanks for reminding me as if I haven’t realized my personal appearance has taken a backseat and despair is in the front seat. But no one knows how bad my heart hurts every single minute of the day. When my coworkers are taking about their wonderful kids with their problems like staying out too late or seeing a boy they don’t like . I try not to cry . Meanwhile they give me the “poor Deidra” or if it’s a bad day and I need to leave I’m sure they discuss how they saw an episode of some crime show where the killer was schizophrenic . We don’t get a cute bumper sticker or a bow to tie on a post because schizophrenic people kill people they are movie theater killers and kill their mothers etc etc . I’m sick of it . I’m so angry my sons life has been taken away from him . That he will never have a relationship . That he will hate me the rest of his life no matter how much I do for him . I hate crying myself to sleep, crying when I wake up . Crying in my car crying at work crying at lunch . Crying in front of coworkers who pity me and think my son must really be horrible to upset me so much . I’m angry at myself for considering a group home for him how can I do that ? Most of all I’m overwhelmingly sad. My throats hurts from stifling sobs that never come out. When will these antidepressants start working ! My other 2 sons are in the Air Force and I don’t worry them about their brother . But I miss them and it adds to my heartbreak . Sorry just know you guys will understand and no one else can .

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Shel
November 27th, 2016 at 12:50 PM
Deidra .. maybe he would enjoy a group home ?? Have u asked him ? X

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Deidra
November 28th, 2016 at 9:51 AM
He is obsessive about anyone using his bathroom. I have had to leave work to go home and bleach the entire bathroom because he found a hair when his brother was home on leave from the military. I dont know how he could work out in a group home without there being a huge problem because he would have other people touching things. I know it sounds crazy.. cause it is :(
Shel
November 28th, 2016 at 10:16 AM
No deadra I do understand .
My son is also obsessively clean .. I have a cat and as clean as I try to keep things he found a hair in his dinner and it was scraped straight into the bin .
His home is constantly being cleaned and he’s asked me to drop round on a monthly basis to do a clean in case he misses anything.
My daughters about to have my first grandchild and I feel as if I want to move up and be with her … she’s an hours drive away .
I don’t feel as if it’s going to be an easy desision as I live around the corner from my son ATM .
Do u not have a council In America to supply your son with a place to live ??
X
maddie
November 28th, 2016 at 11:07 AM
Blame comes from every angle. Most of all from me. I can’t stop blaming myself even though in my more lucid moments I know I did my best. My ex blames me and even when he stops doing that he manages to blame me for making him take some responsibility. My daughter needs to blame me but can’t stop turning the knife in the wound even when I say I accept my guilt. I think the blame is the biggest beast in this awful room. It sits there waiting for an opportunity to pounce. I need to find a suitable weapon to attack it with. Any ideas?
Shel
November 28th, 2016 at 1:12 PM
Yes … fight the beast !! When you feel that you need to blame yourself ” sit down and give yourself a good talking too”
And it’s you allowing the other two to blame you ! They need to take responsibility for their actions .. we are in this with our ill kids and while they’re ok we have to live our lives as best we. Can and still be here taking the sh*t when it hits the fan with our ill kids.
Get rid of the ex and talk to your daughter .. but be strong .
You must be a strong person cos you’ve come this far …. they say that god doesn’t send us problems that we can’t deal with .! X
Gail
November 28th, 2016 at 10:22 AM
What do you do when your 30 year old son….calls you names all the time…he has no respect for his father or me…or anyone else…really…his mind is so full of hate …his spirit is dark …I pray for him…continuely…his path is leading him to hell

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Evie
November 28th, 2016 at 2:13 PM
My dear friends, There is gene isolated genetic proof that schizophrenia is inherited. Do NOT add to your grief by believing in any blame. Do not believe that lie (and it most certainly IS a lie). NO GUILT!! Tears will happen. Kind of in waves and seasons. But pace yourself and try to take mental vacations from worrisome thoughts. See the disease for what it is. The synapses of our child’s brain fire in a damaged frontal lobe section of that brain to cause the venomous words, thoughts, and behaviors. Not hate. There is no intention of harm here. I sometimes try to look at and hear my daughter in terms of her having cancer and taking chemotherapy. If this were the case, there would be days worse than others. Instead of vomiting, weakness, and pain, the symptoms of our children are different. Keeping ourselves walled off from resulting emotional pain is difficult and takes practice. This whole mess has a thick wrapping of sadness around it. But with time and practice you can find the inner workings of peace beneath the sadness layer. I have found it and lost it and found it again. The perspective we need to survive is elusive but the times we find it makes all the difference. Look away from your child for a moment and look deep within yourself. There is solid footing to be found there. You will know it when you find it…And we will keep giving each other glimpses of hope even as we cry and kick and scream.

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Diane
November 28th, 2016 at 6:01 PM
Evie, you have such a way with words that is fo comforting. I really appreciate what you say. Right now my 28 year old is in a rather good place, but I know it is temporary and another episode of paranoia is on the horizon. I also know she inherited this terrible illness from her biological father. Thank you for your offering today!

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Gail
November 28th, 2016 at 5:05 PM
Evie…thank you so much for the uplifting words…I have no where to turn…but to God..but hearing my sons words…day after day…I feel like a failure…he calls me terrible names. ..it hurts so bad

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Evie
November 29th, 2016 at 7:12 AM
My dear friends, Been thinking about freedom… I doubt we can free ourselves from grief. Yet as we share the weight of it, I have hope that each of our burdens may lighten. Yet there are freedoms we can have. FREEDOM. We can be free from all opinions of others. FREEDOM. We can practice being free from taking personally the dagger words hurled at our hearts by our child. FEEDOM. We can be free from the emotional effect of watching a friend or realtive’s eyes glaze over when we relate anything about our troubled child. FREEDOM. We can be free from the idea that we are responsible to change the direction our child seems to be headed! (a lot of fear with that one)…We are dealing with an unknowable jigsaw puzzle. The pieces will fall into place with the picture changing daily. We can only deal with one piece at a time. As we deal with each piece we can practice avoiding emotional reaction to that piece. This saves much energy. All this sounds like just so much philosophy. I apologize that it’s all I have to offer. I try to help with stuff that’s heloed me.

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Diane
November 29th, 2016 at 10:29 AM
You are so wise! Thank you!

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maddie
December 1st, 2016 at 4:26 AM
Evie don’t apologise that what you offer is somehow small. Your offerings are a huge comfort to me and loads of others. You capture so well the pain, uncertainty and frustrations of dealing with our poor children. And I feel supported and soothed by your words. Today my daughter attacked me for not caring when I have had no contact since yesterday when we had a lovely friendly and open conversation. Blaming myself would be fruitless and unjustified. There has been no opportunity to be uncaring. No occasion to invoke her anger. And yet the hollow feeling I get in the pit of my stomach returns as soon as the verbal attack starts. You speak of freedom. You are right but there is one freedom I cannot acquire – the freedom to not feel. Thank you for being there.

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Donna H
November 29th, 2016 at 7:28 AM
As a senior citizen and parent of a mentally ill adult child whose child I am now raising I get very upset with my physicians or their assistants who give me childish, simplistic lectures on how to relax to lower my blood pressure or high cholosterol (sp) etc. When I mention the situation at home I get met with dead silence or ignorant comments. I tried explaining that I am under stress that has no solution and what’s going on but again I get met with dead silence. Then I’m told things like “do something for yourself, join a swim club, relax go to a spa”. I don’t have one extra moment or dollar to spend on things like that. If medical folk would at least say something like “I’m so sorry” etc it would make a difference. I know they can’t change my life. What do you all experience with your doctors in situations like these?

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Diane
November 29th, 2016 at 10:35 AM
I agree with you about empathy being so important. But, unfortunately some people, even professionals don’t take the time to get down to a personal level. I am 72 and my 28 year old, who has been diagnosed with schizophrenia, lives with me. It does take a toll. I have a very limited income and no money for anything beyond basic needs. But, I do take care of myself with yoga videos, meditation, long walks and swimming, all of which are free. I also read and do crafts. I put my self care as top priority. I hope you can find an outlet for yourself. I know jievhardbitbis.

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Deidra
December 1st, 2016 at 6:23 AM
Diane I ran into the same situation. My Dr. said ” i can understand I’m a mother too”,, uh pretty sure having a brand new bouncing healthy baby is a bit different than years worrying about your 24 yr old son with paranoid schizophrenia. Then she told me I needed to do deep breathing excercises and join a support group. At the time I worked 2 jobs. 7am -3:00 and 3:30-9 and up late taking care of what he needed groceries etc. and running home during lunches to get his something to eat doesnt leave me much time to go sit in a circle of sadness with other people that are just as upset as I am and then get even more stressed because I can see what Ive got to look forward to 10 yrs from now. But sure you can relate since youre a new mom . I cried all the time. I would sob trying to explain to her how tired and sad and stressed I was and she just acted like I was dramatic. I ended up writing a letter to the medical board and changed Drs, and THANK GOD i got a compassionate man. He actually said, ” I can see this is slapping you in the face every day.” he got my set up with a psychologist even though I wish it were a psychiatrist (impossible to get into I called 10 before giving up, one called back and said he could see me if it were about weight loss. what the hell…?) . He upped my antidepressants I still cry and cant sleep because my mind constantly worries “what can I do” or Im crying because I miss my “old son” . No one understands except other mothers how all consuming it is day after day and you. im jealous of my coworkers that just go home to normal houses and make dinner etc etc..

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Donna H
December 1st, 2016 at 2:18 PM
Deidra: Thank you for your comments. They help so much! I have tears in my eyes. I know no one can fix my situation but a kind word here and there goes a long way. Hugs and thanks.
Evie
December 1st, 2016 at 2:59 PM
My dear friends, We’ve compared notes about doctors comments. This one may make you giggle. I was crying quite hard while talking about my daughter about 3 years ago . The psychologist involved with my daughter’s case looked at me and said, “Are you cracking up?!” I never forgot that and tried to find humor in it. And I guess in some ways I am cracking up. My heart surely has cracked into tiny brittle pieces. I wish I could heal all your hurts and cushion all your blows. I wish I could put more hours in your hectic days and more joy those hours. I try to remind myself DAILY that my daughter’s attitude, ideas and words come from a damaged area of her brain and not from her heart. Right now my formost concern is trying to keep her safe….Sometimes I wonder if I’m not just trying to be my own psychologist in order to decrease my level of pain…. Love and hugs to you all.

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Donna H
December 2nd, 2016 at 9:25 AM
Thank you Evie. Just to log in and hear from you or other women “in the same shoes” helps. We are not one-upping each other but saying to each other, “I understand, I know. I have an appointment with my GP coming up in a month and I am now strengthened to stand up for myself and not let the doctor or staff put me down.

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Diane
December 2nd, 2016 at 2:47 PM
Thank you so much for expressing what we all feel. I appreviate all of us do very much. May we all find some peace in this holiday season.

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Diane
December 2nd, 2016 at 2:48 PM
It should read: I appreciate all of us so very much!
Charity K.
December 2nd, 2016 at 7:47 PM
I have a child who has been SMI all his live but was not diagnosed with it till he was 23 years old. I love him with all my heart but he seems not to understand that he is keeping his dad and myself completely stressed out 24 hours a day! I don’t know where to go to get help for him/ I have him with a program called CIA, in AZ but the people there, do not do their jobs right. He has needed housing or to be leaving somewhere that knows how to handle him and his illness during the days and the nights. But CIA never got him the correct housing program. They put him in the housing program with recovering drug addicts and it only took him 2 months to be tested dirty for drugs. SO. the housing program kicks him loose. SO, CIA takes him to the mission and had told us that they had signed him up to a program at the mission that they had for SMI people. Where my son would have a bed, every night. Till they were able, to get my son into a program that is proper for his SMI and his housing!

Sounds like it would work, Right? Well not the best but could handle because the proper place for my son is in the near future!
So. after ten days, I received a phone call. It was the mission, where my son is staying till his housing was ready. They were telling me, that my son, had to leave the mission for 20 days.

For the way the Missions works for the homeless people not SMI people. But the paper work was not completed for my son to stay as a SMI person.
Except my son’s CIA worker or Case Manager, had told me a bold face lie! She never signed my son, on to any programs and pure out lied about having my son a place to stay till his house arrangement comes through. Just to find out that she was lying about not having funding for anyone else till the next grant come through the CIA Program. So, she made me think there was no funding left for anyone for a place for anyone to live.
Was a lie, too!!!

For I knew, this other person, who ended up in a SMI house with the funds paid through rhe CIA Program. About two weeks after my son was put out on the streets by the Mission and CIA.

So, What do I do now??! HELP!!!!

It has been over 2 months now and my nerves are completely gone! I can’t keep living everyday in pure HELL!
I cannot get his Case Manager at CIA to do anything and I cannot keep living with my son. I have a ten year old girl that deserve, to have peaceful place to live and not total stressed out parents and no happiness in her days! Everyday, all day long and all night long is total stress, yelling, object throwing, cussing, etc….etc… My son just has to yell and scream to get what he wants. Even though he really doesn’t want anything but to have my attention 100%, all day long. He would stop yelling when he talks or stop trying to make me do things.
I need HELP!!!

Please!!!!!!!!!

Someone, Anyone. Anything!!!! if you, have any ideas, or if you know, anywhere I can get help,
OR if you can give me any suggestions that can help in my situation to get it handled?
{Please}

Thank you very much!!
Sincerely;
Charity K.

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wendy
December 3rd, 2016 at 9:15 PM
ARIZONA has very few “safety nets” for vulnerable folks…..In New York State your son would have been assigned a “case manager” and in the county I live in…housing vouchers and if needed supervised apartments….not sure how you get help in AZ

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CAROL
December 5th, 2016 at 8:05 AM
My son is 47 and is like a child or 13 year old……he is developmentally disabled and also schizophrenic ……since he was 16 years old. Or that was the diagnosis back then. He has been on several anti psychotics……..Zyprexa worked good until they had a generic and its been hell day on and off daily. He has never been anywhere in all 47 years………except when my mom would keep him a few days…..she got dementia and dies 2 years ago. I have no friends and my husband is worthless. I have had my share of illness and when Im in physical pain he is worse. He is needy and demanding . He is also OCD throws everything I have away……his clothes……my clothes……I have tried to lock everything up . On bad days Im a bitch etc……..and every rotten thing you can think of ……He id dependant on me for his food etc……..I have attempted to help him get more independent. The dept of mental health ditched us a year ago and said we have to find help through his medicaide insurance…….insanity. If I died today he would be totally lost. I don’t even care how I look any longer …..Im mentally and physically exhausted. Im afraid to leave the house for fear of what he might do. Its worse now then it ever has been…….He has anger outbursts …….He doesn’t fit in any exact description ……..nothing helps…….there is no light at the end of the road it seems ……

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Deidra
December 5th, 2016 at 9:38 AM
Carol, you might try joining the facebook group called Families living with Schizophrenia. Its been helpful to me (if not only to vent) . My son also throws everything away.. my silverware, new clothes ive bought for him etc. I had him admitted to the pscyh hospital several days ago. They started him on Paxil and might start an antipsychotic today. Im so worried and dont know what i will do when he comes home. I cant quit my job. I am getting a divorce (dumbass husband makes everything about him and cant grasp how much worry and stress this has taken on me) he is my sons stepfather and he just goes about his day like nothing is wrong, while i have panic attacks, cant sleep , constant crying. I think it will be easier without hearing his needless comments. so we are selling our house and it will just me and my son . i am worried how i will support both of us if i have to quit my job to take care of him.

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CAROL
December 6th, 2016 at 8:12 AM
Deidra, thank you for your reply. I also have constant panic attacks…..cant sleep then sleep too much. I shake with fear from his ranting and raving ………cant leave the house for fear he will destroy things……he is a dr. jekyl mr hyde…….mood changes in seconds. I love him and have given my life for him…….yet sometimes I hate him and wish I never had him. My husband is also the step day……since my son was a year old…..my son doesn’t know this. My husband was a tyrant years back……..now that he is on blood pressure meds etc. he has quieted down…….he is also an alcoholic……retired now and home all day…….my son is now a tyrant ……controls everything……he is mentally challenged and has nobody but me. Lately he is up half the night ……gathering things in the trash bag to throw out…….he sneaks them…….I have to lock my bedroom door. All my coats are gone …shoes…dishes photographs…… I have very little left……and for this I often resent him so much…….I often hate both of them for stealing my life…….my joy……..I used to be a happy person……..two years ago I buried my mom after her long dementia …….her illness changed her..she was demanding too……as much as I loved her it was getting to me…….I don’t know how I did it and I was working at the time. I cant work now………even though I need the money …I had to go on social security …I am 66 though……but it isn’t enough money…..Ive been doing this a long time and I am now depleated and angry …….but worse……..Like all of us…….all I worry about is what will happen to him when I die………he doesn’t now how to do anything…….and his behavior is such that nobody will want him……..no siblings for him and I am estranged from any family…….we are alone………..Its too bad everyone on here couldn’t move together……….god bless us all………and our suffering and our suffering children……..

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Donna H
December 8th, 2016 at 2:52 AM
Today I am in a very sad place. I appreciate this website since it is a place that is safe in which to vent. Over the years I have lost a husband because of my daughters illness, I have lost jobs, I have lost friends, I have lost sleep, I have lost money. I know my story is not unique but having a safe place to say these things makes me feel better. My daughter is almost 40. She has been diagnosed since age 11, in and out of mental facilities. My ex and many others think she behaves the way she does because I am not firm enough with her. She has disappeared for years when I didn’t know where she was surfacing when she got pregnant. I now care for her beautiful daughter without any financial help from any sector. In a desperate attempt to gain some peace and quiet and a nights sleep I co signed for a simple apartment for my daughter to live in. Big mistake. Big mistake. My daughter didn’t pay the rent, she damaged the place, she sued the owner because she “fell” on his property. Because I was the cosigner I had to pay all fees and debts related to the apartment and damages. I’m elderly, I am retired. I worked all of my life, I lived simply and saved and paid MY bills on time. Now I’m am debt ridden, can’t pay my bills and don’t know where to turn. I know I will figure it all out but it is a bleak time right now before Christmas. There will be few gifts for my grand child but we will bake cookies and sew and read and go to the library. I hope her mother doesn’t appear (which legally she is entitled to do ). My daughter will scream and yell and terrify her child and no matter what I do, I will have no effect except to hug her daughter after it is over. What do you tell a 5 year old about her mother who terrifies her but whom she loves?

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Deidra
December 13th, 2016 at 11:25 AM
I belong to a facebook group you can find called ” Families Living with Schizophrenia” there are manty stories like yours. Its helpful for when you immediately want to vent , ask for help, etc. lots of helpful people that have the same problems. I know shes bi-polar but they have a lot of the same family/caregiver problems and there are people on there who also have bi-polar relatives. Is there a way you can get guardianship ? That way you can tell the police shes adanger to herself or others (pretty sure running around with a hammer and breaking glass would qualify) and then have her committed. I never in my life thought I would have to be even thinking of things like I have to go through. I also question everything, every moment, but I know I was a very good mother. It’s exhausting. I would call the police chief next time if they wont take her. I would pull out my phone and record myself and the 2 officers and state” You are refusing to help my daughter after I have called 911 if anything happens to myself or another person I am holding you responsible”. Film the damage as well. If you have to go to court in the future for guardianship any video showing what she has done will help.

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HeartBreak
December 19th, 2016 at 4:49 PM
My heart is broken and my heart breaks for all of you. My daughter was diagnosed with BP when she was 13, but her father and I did not want to believe it. Things got worse and worse and eventually we sent her to a residential treatment center, which was the beginning of the end….After 2.5 years there, she came home, seemingly better, but soon enough she started running away, etc. Things have gotten so out of control and crazy, I’m not sure you would even believe some of the stories I have. It’s hard for me to go to sleep each night and wake up each morning, wondering how my beautiful little girl with all the hope and opportunity in the world, could have turned out this way, and why couldn’t I have done more. She is now in jail, probably going to prison, a far reach from an affluent neighborhood in a DC suburb. How i wish someone could effect change in the mental health/judicial system. I’m sorry to all of you who suffer so, my prayers go out to you. I’m so sad all the time because of this experience and the inability to fix the situation. Hugs, M

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Shel
December 20th, 2016 at 12:39 AM
I’m so very very sorry for you all .
Your living through everyone’s fear ! We have no control over their actions but even worse … neither do they.
I hope that the judge is lenient with your daughter , please let everyone know how you are getting on .
My thoughts are with you all x

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bluebird
December 29th, 2016 at 8:32 AM
i doubt anyone will read this but i swear, as a disabled, mentally ill young adult, this page makes me feel sick to my stomach. You do realize that your children are people, right? That when you treat them like burdens and talk about them and their struggles as if they are things that are ruining your life, we know. We can tell. And it hurts like hell to know that your parent things of you as a burden – that they resent you and see your suffering as something that effects them, rather than as something you are doing you best to live with?

Do you know how hard it is to hear your own parents describe you this way?

Not to mention how much everything here sounds like emotional abuse – “oh i’m so good, so caring for this mess of a child who is ruining my life, what ever will i do.” If you think its bad for you, I’m sure it’s ten times worse for your kid.

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Donna
December 30th, 2016 at 12:30 AM
Dear Bluebird: I know it hurts you to read these things. It hurts us as well. Every single life experiences hurt; your life, my life, their lives. Every life. We all and that includes you need safe places to tell of our grief, our hurts and our stress. This is a safe place for parents to vent. Perhaps you could establish a safe place for children with mental health issues such as your in which to vent and help each other? If we didn’t love our children we wouldn’t hurt so much. Peace and love to you honey.

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sherie h
December 29th, 2016 at 10:37 AM
We all undretand but for many of us this site is just somewhere that we come to get rid of our frustrations .. many of us have nobody to rant at because we have to be so strong for our kids.
My son knows nothing of this site but I find it a great comfort to be able to compare notes and moan, it’s nothing personal it just helps a bit … nobody in the mental health sector considers the stress that most of us are under.

Xxx

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Momma j.
January 8th, 2017 at 10:40 PM
If it were not for the kindness of so many, many would be lost.
We struggle to face each and every day with our beautiful 26 year old daughter who has struggled with severe depression for 14 years. As many parents have described; the pain in seeing the faces of the children we love suddenly belong to such tortured and lost people is enough to drive you insane.
My one and only dream for my child and EVERY CHILD IS TO HAVE PEACE OF MIND. I do not care if my child overcomes a great many things, i can only hope that a some point in my lifetime she finds peace in her own mind.
As parents of children with mental illiness have come to know- hope is merely as luxury that most of us simply cannot afford.
I will keep each of you in my thoughts and hope that you will find a measure of peace in your own minds, as that’s all I can offer.

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Erica
December 31st, 2016 at 6:24 AM
No, they don’t understand. When ‘professionals’ are involved they only believe the child and don’t even consider the facts about mental illness. It is so easy for a child to make false allegations against parents. Instead of helping the family, the ‘professionals’ see the parents as the enemy and children as victims. Generally, parents have the best interest of their own children. The parent support system needs to be improved. I cannot believe the lack of support available for parents who have children with mental illness and other difficulties. They need to be supported! We had therapists, social workers, doctors and everyone else involved undermine us as parents. We were only parents and looked up to the ‘professionals’ only to realize later what a horrible mistake that was. It is unreal the way social workers don’t even understand the issues related to a diagnosis. If they are giving ‘professional’ opinions the least they should do is have an understanding of the traits of a disorder. They are also protected by ‘qualified immunity’. They should be held accountable for wrongfully destroying families and the witch hunts they pursue for revenge against a parent they disagree with. Parents lose even when they win later in court.

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maddie
January 8th, 2017 at 12:02 PM
Well I got through Christmas. Not entirely intact but still here. I know many of you will have had a much worse time of it and I feel for you all. I’m just very very sad today because the old roller coaster has started its hellish ride again. Yesterday I felt a huge step forward had been made. My daughter was loving and grateful for my help. We had a nice time together and parted with her loving words and a warm hug. Today ….. We’re off again. It’s all my fault, I’m a sadistic bully, I enjoy her being ill and I’m happy she’s in pain! I’m a logical person and find the frustration of not being able to get her to see how unfair and unfounded her comments are too much to bear sometimes (like right now as I write with the tears streaming yet again). Evie wrote about treasuring the bright moments but how? They are bitter sweet because they are so transitory. I know there are horrid times ahead and am scared of enjoying them too much as they build false hopes. I’ve been operating on not responding in any way to hurtfulness, but I wonder if that’s the right thing to do? What do others do to hold on to hope? Let’s hope 2017 is better than last year, or at least no worse. Love to you all. Mad die

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Shanon E
January 9th, 2017 at 11:51 AM
My son is the most loving ,caring, has a heart of gold, but with his illness at times he beleives im tring to kill him, and plotting it. He says he hears my thoughts. It breaks my heart. I dont no how to help him. He is 23, and not a day goes by my heart doesnt hurt. He became a ward of the state 2 months ago, and it is killing me, they said I cant controll him when he gets bad, but now I cant even help him. They have him 3hours from me and its killing us both. He calls crying he says he is all alone and its not right. He needs family near him. Im dieing a little everyday inside, I hurt for him., its not right, and my family doesnt understand his illness and they beleive he needs to stay in the nursing home, they say.he is going to hurt me one day. That’s not Right. I resent them for not helping and my son just thinks it’s myfault they wont help and be his guardian. Im going crazy and I dont know how to help him.or what to do. I want him home or closer so I.can see him. We miss each other so much. What do I.do ?

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Evie
January 10th, 2017 at 8:14 AM
My dear Shanon E, You and your son find yourselves in a sad situation. I have been where you are. I have found ways to work within the system at hand and find peace. It may not help for me to share this at all, yet I reach for your breaking heart with the best of intentions. Your son is sad and he is missing you. Fortunately this idea has temporarily replaced the one where he thinks you want to kill him. His delusions will change back and forth and there will be new ones. Some people with schizophrenia can function with less danger while others cannot. There are different levels of severity. Unfortunately, your son and my daughter have the level where danger lurks. Your son is now safe. I am sure that many of the staff at his home truly care about him. He will gradually adjust and hopefully be touched by their good hearts. Sadly, for the most part his status within his illness will be unpredictable and not touched by much of anything. I know that you support him in love and visit when you can. Your relatives and friends will not understand which makes this grief a lonely one. The action taken to make your son a ward of the state is what has happened as a result of the way things are. Acceptance of this ushers in peace. Your life will never again be the same, yet you can reach out for some happiness as I am reaching out to you. You can do it. Hold on. Look up. Reach out. ACCEPT. There is gratitude to be sensed in knowing he is safe and will adjust if you give it some time. He’s doing his best and so are you. Let us honor this set of circumstances by setting it free from fear and frustration…Love and peace to you, dear lady.
Evie
March 11th, 2017 at 2:09 PM
Janny, are you still out there? I can’t find the thoughts you recently shared within this blog, but I still have it in my email records. I want you to know that I totally get what you are saying. To some it may sound negative but not to me. We are sitting across from each other in my heart, holding hands and sustaining each other’s breaths. What you described is surrender to the what is. It is knowing that not hoping for a certain thing to happen or not happen is actually a form of choosing big picture hope. I have come to the end of my hope rope regarding how long my daughter will live. Of course I still pray for her and for myself. Yet without specific expectations. This is not negatively. It is just giving in to reality. It is like a letting go. It is a ceasing the scrambling for security and from writhing in emotional pain and from wringing our hands. We turn our hands palm up. There is a peace connected with this…..Janny, I get you. I support you.
Evie
March 13th, 2017 at 1:29 PM
Dear Janny and anyone else this might help: (I still can’t find d Janny’s last 2 messages on this blog, but received them per email. ??? Never will technology be my claim to fame.) At any rate, I recently decided that when you lose hope, you find something else. That something seems to be soul growth and revised perspective that with practice seems to usher in peace. Also I have found (again) that it seems best to attempt to ignore details of my daughter’s illness. Today she had about 5 minutes of clarity only to fall back under the spell of harmful delusions. I could feel the pull of hope when she seemed “ok” and she appeared almost happy. This tease of expectation has messed with my head all day. So now I am adjusting my attitude back to your basic acceptance where peace can be found. Where I look at the big picture minus details of the big picture. Like I can deal with the big picture that she is very ill and that I will just spend time with her within this context where even the length of her life is very questionable. However, I am having serious problems with grief again (or rather still). Thanks for the opportunity to vent my pain as well as trying to help any of you with ideas that have helped me.
Evie
January 9th, 2017 at 10:28 AM
My dear Maddie,. Your words touch my heart and I feel and taste you tears and pain. To treasure a bright moment is a set apart moment. Expectations cannot enter into the memory of it. I see no end to my ordeal with my daughter. Her roller coaster keeps on rolling. This may sound selfish, but I try to avoid getting on it with her. Nothing I say or do and nothing I am, not even my motherhood, has or can make a difference. I expect nothing . Not good, not bad. I just keep getting through it. I do choose hope, but not that any certain event will occur. I just choose it as a general attitude of my upturned face to God, trying to catch a ray or two.

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Donna
January 9th, 2017 at 10:46 AM
Love and hugs to you both. I have no words that will change anything other than to say, I care.

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momma J.
January 9th, 2017 at 11:52 AM
Evie and Maddie-
My heart and thoughts are with you both. I have had to learn (with YEARS of therapy) that I cannot be on the “same wave length” as my daughter when she is seriously struggling. This is no easy task for a mother, any mother whether or not your child has a mental illness or not. When our daughter creeps back into that deep and VERY dark space she always takes me with her. I still struggle with being able to pull myself out of the dark hole that she crawls in to. Again, I have been in therapy for year over all of this a(as has our daughter) and it is still and will continue to be a constant struggle until one of us is gone.
To know that there are other parents out there that are dealing with what it is that I face each and everyday makes getting up a teeeeny bit easier. It helps to know that I am not alone. Mu husband comes from a “perfect family” that has NEVER been touched by any type of mental illness and they all feel that it is simply “a choice a person makes!” I not only wage a battle each and everyday to keep my child alive, but fight against my husband and his stupid thought and suggestions. You all will be stunned to know that years of being told “smile and look people in the eyes” has done nothing for her. We have been fortunate enough to have wonderful therapist and medications along the way. She really never had a noticeable improvement while on any of the meds. and med. cocktails. She has grown very weary from the many years of therapies and meds. that she has sworn them all off. I must admit that we were deathly afraid of what we would face. This is a young woman that has been battered and abused by society in EVERY way imaginable (yes, it is what you are thinking…. and then told it was all her fault and her family would be killed if she told anyone. She held it inside for 12 months before telling a school therapist. We were totally devastated!) and yet she graduated top of her college class, has a high paying and stressful position in finance, but still struggles socially. She has built walls that are so high that we are fearful that they my never come down. She has been groomed by society around her to trust NO ONE.
Her entire life was just thrown into a VERY dark abyss and we once again are living in fear for her safety. After a 3 years relationship and engagement her fiance broke off the engagement in a 2 minute conversation. This after spending a wonderful holiday season together with many family gathering. She was further dealt another blow, she was diagnosed with a serious brain malformation a few days prior to his leaving. She is looking at brain surgery with in the next few weeks/months. To take a person that has FOUGHT WITH THE COURAGE OF A LIONESS TO OVERCOME HER FEARS, NIGHTMARES AND SOCIAL STIGMA and have her destroyed in a few mere hours is almost more than she can bear. We as her parents are powerless in this situation. I have grown so weary of the fight as has she. How can we expect them to fight each and everyday for something that never seems to get any better. How can I expect her to want to fight this black demon any longer? What are we to do as parents when all seems lost and hopelessness is the only feeling that you feel each and every day of your life?
As I had said in m prior post, all that I have ever wanted for our daughter is to have peace of mind so she can live within the space of her own mind. I have struggled to make any positive headway and and at my wit end.
I am so sorry to have gone on so long, but it feels great knowing that this is a safe and judgement free forum of caring parents.

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Diane
January 9th, 2017 at 1:32 PM
I, too, choose hope. And I don’t get tangled up in all the uncertainty and surrealism either. Hold on. It’s all we can do.

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Janny
March 13th, 2017 at 4:26 AM
Evie You do indeed get it. It is the decision to not get on the rollercoaster. To not spend all your energy trying to control the outcome because you cant. One comment from another person is enough to set off a spiral of anxiety and panic and self loathing that I cannot fix. She is given the tools by all of the supports we have put in place and she has to choose to use them or succumb to the negative thoughts. I can never make that choice for her. I don’t talk about it to anybody except her father(we are separated) because the trite comments that people make and their lack of understanding of the fallout from these issues is just frustrating. I have people tell me I don’t know what she hads to be depressed about she has a great life. Others even say it to her. Would they say that for any other illness? So I keep my own counsel and develop my own strategies and its working for my emotional well being. I hope you find peace and comfort too

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Evie
January 24th, 2017 at 8:51 AM
You guys ready for more of my philosophical gibberish?… Been thinking about how I’ve tried to reinvent myself these past four years and eleven months of pain. The frightened times, the sad times, the numb times. Now I think that possibly I have not been reinventing myself. It may be that I am beginning to get in touch with a very deep resource of a dfferent me. Almost like getting in touch with my genuine self that could have been strong all along but didn’t know it. I am starting to find increased strength part of the time. I hope this might happen within all of you. As Diane said—- “Hold on.”

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sherie h
January 24th, 2017 at 8:10 PM
I think u may have something there Evie ! We’re all so busy trying to get our kids through each day that we’re not considering what it’s doing to us … I know we moan – worry and become morose , but I’m definatly tougher and take more chances.

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Carolyn S W
January 24th, 2017 at 10:59 AM
I’m 64 years old and disabled my son is 47 years old and disabled diagnosed bipolar disorder!! Has been for 20 years since his wife left him!! He’s a very intelligent man!! And good man!! It hurts me!! I’m bipolar also! We collide!! He loses everything he gets!! I’ve helped him get everything!! Mms now no running car!! He’s with me in my apartment section8 I have been here10 years!! Manager doesn’t know he’s living here!! I won’t kick him out!! He was on meds 2 years ago doing great! For2 years!! Been off for 2 years now ! Said they made him feel funny!! But had an allergic reaction to Invega almost died!! Now scared to take anything!! He’s diabetic2!! Was injecting lantus and stopped doesn’t diet!! I fear for him

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Evie
January 30th, 2017 at 7:40 AM
My dear friends, as Sherie H says, we need SOMEone to rant at, so here gies. Recently I asked my sgizophrebic daughter to show me mercy regarding a dangerous idea of hers. But she says she has to obey her delusionary,mean god. I realized yesterday that she can show no mercy because she has none. Mercy and love are not within her grasp. I already knew this yet I feel such a weight about it. The weight of her dead body hanging on my back. Many of you know what I mean. I will never be completely free. I’ve talked about freedom before, but I was being unrealistic. PLEASE HELP ME keep looking up. Yet actually, just venting has already helped. ..The mentally tortured children of ours who may read this might misunderstand. I love my daughter and know she has it worse than I. But the weight of the sadness involved with all of this is a type of prison. We look through the bars and feel broken.

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Diane
January 30th, 2017 at 9:07 AM
You speak so well of what is in our hearts. Thank you! May we all carry on the best we can.

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Jeanne
March 6th, 2017 at 3:23 PM
my son is 39 and I have been dealing with his mental illness since he was 15. I can tell you, it gets better but that would be a lie.As I sit here typing, he is screaming obscenities in the other room. Ealier this morning he stood less than an inch from my face screaming at me and spraying spittle on my face. His face was bright red and his neck veins were popping out. In his mind he has created a world where I abused him. I did not but he believes I did. He calls me vile names. threatens to kill me, punches holes in the walls, rips doors from their hinges and dumps trash on the floor. He refuses help. He has no friends and has alienated his only brother.He is jealous of my grandchildren and he scares them. I have called the police a number of times. They are less than no help at all. They tell me to evict him legally and be done with it. I have tried to get restraining orders denied by the judges as he has not let any marks on me yet. I have tried to get him committed, to no avail, after all he has rights and cannot be forced to do something against his will. It is now my understanding that no one will do anything until he seriously injures or kills me or someone else.He blows off the therapy sessions that have been set up for him and refuses to take meds. I have fought the system for him for many years but I am tired and afraid for myself and my Family. I have Parkinsons, I sleep too much, and I am depressed. I never wanted him to be another Mental Health statistic living on the street but the time has come for me to take care of my self and my family. I have recorded him in one of his rages and will play it for a judge to get a restraining order. I have filed for a legal eviction from my home, though I know once it is served it will be an extremely dangerous time for me and the rest of my family. Once served he will destroy as much s he can. I am sure he will do thousands of dollars in damage my home. I fear for my grand children and other son, so until he is gone I will have them stay away. He may try to kill me during this time. I am prepared to go to a woman’s shelter if needed. I hope my retaining order is approved. Even if it is, he has threatened to burn the house down around me.God protect and help me and my family…the authorities won’t.Thank you for letting me vent

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shanon
March 6th, 2017 at 6:41 PM
I really do understand everything you are saying, mental illness has taken my boy from me, yes is ok, just not the child I know at times. He thinks I abused him as well and he believes I was putting poison in his food, he called me awful names and even chased me with a ax several blocks, he knows he scares me and he used it to his advantage. He stopped taking his meds and all of it. Finally the behavioral unit he went to after I had him admitted to the hospital for hurting himself stepped in and as much as I hate it , he is a ward of the state. And he is in a behavioral unit for now, but he is on his meds and doing good, he talks to me now and we get along good, he realizes what he had done and said. He knows he has to stay on his meds and therphy and learn all he can about his illnesas. He is. Maybe talk to someone about the state helping. I plan on going back to coury soon to get guardian back from state , but he still has a little more progress to make and things to learn and accept. Mental illness is not nice and my son has sczophranic and his thoughts are so diffeant than what is really going on. I cry alot because I want to fix him and I hate it he has the cancer of the mental illness. It’s so unfair I know , but it is whatt it is, try talking to someone to take gaurduanshipn. Than he has to live were they feel is best. Good luck and never give up. God bless

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Jeanne
March 10th, 2017 at 11:00 AM
Shannon I am so sorry for your situation. And praying it’ll be resolved anyway you can find peace with. Sounds like your son is doing better if you want his care to be returned to you, I hope that’s what happens. Whatever the outcome take care of yourself and be safe
sherie h
March 7th, 2017 at 12:36 AM
My god … I’m so sorry .
My prayers are with you. X

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Jeanne
March 10th, 2017 at 11:10 AM
Thank you it helps to know people Care

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Evie
March 7th, 2017 at 8:16 AM
My house and my person are safe from violent acts. My daughter is crafty in her illness. She has an extremely high IQ and can appear “normal” for stretches at a time. Yet she vomits all she eats since her god won’t let her enjoy food or life. And she has no love within her to shine within or without. The only violence I deal with is the raging ongoing violence of grief and uncertainty. Today it’s the grief. I watched an old movie I had once seen with her as a child. Back when all seemed so innocent. And there was hope and a future. You wonderful friends know where I’m going with this. We are all together and I reach out to hug you now…Knowing you will hug me back.

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Jeanne
March 10th, 2017 at 11:20 AM
Thank you for sharing..My son also has a high IQ,, We want so much for them but their illness makes it impossible for them to succeed,, It tears us up to disconnect but sometimes it is our only option. I pray for situation improves and that you find some peace.

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Evie
March 21st, 2017 at 5:47 AM
My dear courageous and loyal Maddie, There are no pat answers. You said, “I thought we were getting somewhere..” Yet it’s like being on a treadmill, you really can’t get somewhere. Give to your situation the gift of your presence. One moment at a time. There are no good or bad things to say or not say. You’ve made no mistakes. How can your love for her be a mistake? And that is what you are doing. Loving her. Center yourself and watch. Take nothing she says personally which will take much practice. The loving responses can come from others including those of us on this blog. In my opinion there is no control to be gained. Reliniquishment of hope is certainly understandable. Our hope is focused on just getting through this, not that our child will be able to understand us. You will continue to be misunderstood. Just like Alice in Wonderland couldn’t understand and only wanted to go home. Our mentally ill children lack capacity toward understanding. Our love for them is their home yet even that is veiled from their vision.

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Madie
March 21st, 2017 at 9:17 AM
Evie I am so glad you replied. I value all the daring ans supportive friends in this group but Evie your words always give me strength. They make me cry but the tears are like bathing in a pool of love. Thank you I feel stronger already.

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jane
April 2nd, 2017 at 12:44 AM
I am amazed to find this forum finally after so much searching. I have an adult son who is severly depressed and has never had a job since leaving Uni. Myself and my husband are at our wits end. He is completely cut off from normal life and shuts himself away from us most of the time apart from at meals. I worry about him 24/7 and it is affecting my life so much. This situation has gone on for years – no help from the doctor apart from the usual offer of anti depressants. He is a wonderful person but has just completely lost his way and become demotivated. He longs to be independent, but without a job or money he cannot move away from us and we can’t afford to pay his rent. I am absolutely at my wits end.

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Vicki
April 2nd, 2017 at 2:27 PM
Hi from your message I am guessing you are in the U.K. I live in Kent and my son is sectioned and is currently in Essex. I love him dearly but I can’t cope with his behaviour and delusions. He has severely tested all my love and resources and even in hospital not an hour goes by without me worrying about him. Please get the Crisis Team involved if you are feeling so vulnerable/isolated. I know they have limited resources but if they feel your son needs professional help they will refer him even though it may take some time. My son was walking out in front of traffic etc because he thinks he has tapeworms eating his brain away so they did have to act quick. Try to stay strong and don’t blame yourself- easier said than done xxx

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sherie h
April 3rd, 2017 at 12:11 AM
Hi Vicky , I live in Kent as well. , why is your son sectioned in Essex. ?
I was wondering about leaving my number here in case you want a chat .
But I’ve thought better of it , you never know who will get my number … ooooh is that me being paranoid! The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree lol
Vicki
April 7th, 2017 at 9:36 AM
Hi Sherie

My son has been to a number of places in Kent the last being at Cygnet, Sevenoaks but they said he needed a more specialised environment so they sent him to St Andrews in Essex where he has been for almost a year.
sherie h
April 7th, 2017 at 1:26 PM
Hi vicki , I used to work at cygnets …
If you ever need a chat then e mail me and I’ll send my number .
My son walked out of mind a week ago and I was really worried that he’d become a little reclusive .
But , I ordered him to go back and muchbto my amazement .. he did. X
Evie
April 2nd, 2017 at 4:11 PM
My dear Jane. It is good that you are at your wit’s end. Just start over every moment and know that your love and support make a difference even when it can’t be seen or heard. Accept the what is. You will make it through this. The key word is through. Love and peace to you. We have all walked in your shoes. Feel our empathy. 2

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Janny
April 3rd, 2017 at 4:14 AM
Hello Jane
My daughter too was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and was hospitalized as she was actively suicidal. I know what being at your wits end is like. I can only share what I learned on this ongoing journey. You will see from my earlier posts that I talk about giving up hope and how this freed me. What I mean by that is that I stopped setting goals and expectations for my child that they never bought into and that sent me down a path of hopelessness and failure. When I decided to allow this to be my daughters life I walked along with her instead of trying to bring her to where I am and want her to be. Depression is a chronic illness and she has suffered many setbacks that have set her back to the depths of the disease but I walk with her to help her find solutions that support her to live well with this terrible disease. One of the turning points was when she told me to stop projecting my anxieties on to her. She had discussed this with her therapist but didnt know how to tell me as she didn’t want to hurt me. I reacted to this by thinking about my own behavior and what impact it had on her and only the other day she told me how much better she feels about our relationship as I don’t try to control it and build that level of anxiety that goes with depression

I guess in my long winded way I am saying is walk with your child , don’t decide what the end result should be. I was deliriously happy when my daughter had a good day as I never expected any more than that . Take care of you too

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jane
April 3rd, 2017 at 11:10 AM
Thank you for your replies, it is good to know i am not alone! Is there any way to private message on this site? Janny your response really hits the nail on the head It is interesting, as I had decided to try and take this approach. It is very hard when all around me make judgements. My son is not mentally ill but stuck in his life and unable to find work, independence and get out of his situation and this is depressing him hugely. Other people think I should kick him out, give him an ultimatum etc, but this pushes him away and makes him isolate himself more and creates a horrible atmosphere in the house. It’s a toss up between confrontation or feeling angry and powerless. He is starting seeing a counsellor this week, so I am hoping that will help. He saw someone previously who really behaved unprofessionally and let him down . i have decided he is so fragile that pushing him and getting irritated is not helping anyone. Maybe I just need to accept the situation , frustrating though it is. It is just the feeling that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but I have to trust that something will change somewhere along the line!
Evie
April 3rd, 2017 at 4:42 PM
My dear Jane… Just know that the something that changes may only be you. Anf I day in love. You will learn to be as open as you can be to inner peace in the midst of turmoil and pain. I only know there are no guarantees and you will be growing in resilience, patience and calmness in the face of all that is unknown and unknowable as you keep stepping though this. The next thing I am going to say will be hard to hear. And I am not doing it to promote fear in any of you. (Please resist any and all fear!) Yet I feel I have to share this because you all feel to me to be my family. I have a son who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder with psychotic tendencies in addition to my daughter who has schizophrenia. I was not as preoccupied about him as I was about my daughter and I never shared about him. He hanged himself on March 27th. I was hysterical this past week. Yet now I do have peace. I can’t explain this peace but I recognize the grace of it and I am grateful. Please pray for my 2 daughters and for my son’s wife. And I hope and pray I haven’t caused ANY of you dread or alarm. If the moderator doesn’t want to allow this message to go through I will understand.

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Mary
August 6th, 2017 at 11:10 AM
Thank you for sharing, Evie. I am so sorry for your loss, but know that the suffering is ended for your son and he will find the peace he sought so hard for in this life. I hope you can find peace. Know that I am praying over you and yours at this difficult time. Hang in there.

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Janny
April 4th, 2017 at 4:00 AM
Dear Evie. I am so sad to hear of your loss but I think I do understand the peace. My daughter has been actively suicidal and I came to the point of not expecting her to survive. The choice is hers and I cant make her live or want to live. I think that the pain and distress that people with mental illness endure is not taken as seriously as something like cancer and so we expect them to keep battling but these mental illnesses can be terminal and we have to accept that as a potential outcome. I do believe that we do everything we can as parents to support our children to live but there are limitations to what we can do. We cant cure cancer so why do we think we can cure schizophrenia or major depression or any of the others that our children live with. Please know that you are in my thoughts and hope that your family find peace

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Janny
April 4th, 2017 at 4:13 AM
Dear Jane. You say that your son is not mentally ill yet he is depressed. As Evie says the change in this will come from you. I know about the frustration and anger and the desire to get him motivated and by pushing him you think this will happen. Listen to your heart and not to others. You know your son and you can walk with him to take little steps towards his goals. My daughter lived in her bedroom and could do nothing and had no goals and we have tiny piece by piece supported her to live the life she wants not what we had in mind for her. There are days when she is thrown back into the deptths of this horrible disease but she has chosen to fight at this point. Many things contribute to this and it is different for everyone. I researched the recovery model and the experience of others. We are very lucky to have a good family doctor. Mental health services were good when she was a child but since she became an adult they are useless. Medication is a very small part of the recovery and they gave her the lift that she required to start to build a recovery. She has had the same counselor for many years who has seen her through many crisis. (I believe therapists need to be shopped for . You have to find the right fit) The other pieces in place for her are the importance of sleep. I keep her room clean and restful for her so that she has a safe place to be. I cook her good food as nutrition is hugely important. Avoiding junk food and excesses of caffeine and sugar , Exercise which she does with her dad and now gets up early to go to the gym with him as she can recognize the benefits of it. She quit university as it was too stressful and really quite useless , works part time and has a fabulous group of people and a great company who support people with mental illness. All of this has taken many years to bring together and learn about and for right now it is giving her what she wants but that could change tomorrow and if it does then that is where we will be tomorrow. Sorry I dont mean to sound like I am telling you a cure just what worked for us and to say that it is hard work and sometimes it works and sometimes not

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Lmr
April 4th, 2017 at 7:06 AM
Oh Evie. I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you shared this with us. I will pray for your family. I don’t even know how you are functioning right now. Take care of yourself and your precious daughters and daughter-in-law.

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jane
April 4th, 2017 at 8:36 AM
Thank you Janny, you are totally right. Evie, my heart goes out to you. There are some really special, strong people on this forum.

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Evie
June 14th, 2017 at 6:13 PM
Kathy, We all feel your pain. I know this doesn’t solve anything, but I still want you to know that. As for the rest, you will know that you don’t know. This is the highest wisdom. Nothing you can do or say or live will change your problem. Janny says it so well. Read her entries. You do need to absolutely prohibit yourself from feeling guilt, shame, regret or that any of this is your fault in the least. When our children were small we had some control in fostering a safe place for them to be. It’s not like that when a child becomes an adult and surfaces with a severe mental illness. My daughter thought if she killed herself or someone else she would bring world peace. That she was chosen. So what you say sounds so painfully familiar. It makes no sense. All your thinking and worrying won’t fix it. I know I can’t stop you from torturing yourself and I can’t stop your son’s or my daughter’s oppression. I can’t bring back my son who took his life. All I can do is know my best IS good enough and that any peace or joy I can find is a gift and not a reason for guilt. You love him yet you are separate from him and his journey. Just like his illness makes no sense, it seems to make no sense that a mom can be separate from the pain of her child. Yet to keep from losing yourself it has to be that way. Love and support him while knowing there is no control and there can be no expectations. The part of them that can love us back is broken. I may not know you but I send my love and tears. Choose hope as an attitude, not in that something in particular will happen. Choose it each moment. Expose each of your moments to your innermost peace and hope. It’s in there. DEEP. Find it to prevent losing yourself. God help you. God help us all.

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Janny
June 15th, 2017 at 5:07 AM
Kathy we share your pain. As Evie says we have found a way to cope but I think we are further into this journey than perhaps you are. I remember the feeling of shock and a desperate need to fix my child. The horror of her being hospitalized into a system after I fought for so long to keep her away from the public mental health services. I am a mental health nurse and really didn’t want my child to be a statistic with them but they did a great job. Knowing that my child wanted to die hurt me heart so much I thought I would never recover however here I am many years later with my daughter at home and she still fights daily to deal with the hand she has been dealt. As Evie says we don’t own it or control it. Its not our fault and we cant fix it. There have been amazing conversations with my daughter and it is really her who has guided me to this place. I stopped setting my goals for her. She quit university as the stress was making everything worse. Does she need to have a degree ? No she needs to have peace of mind and the strength to fight her daily battle. She once said to me “stop projecting your anxiety on to me” she had talked with her therapist about how my anxiety about her illness caused heightened anxiety in her and prevented us from ever having a rationale conversation. The moments she said it I realized indeed this was a huge issue. To change this I had to change how I felt about the entire situation and what my role and intentions were. I became her cheerleader instead of her coach who was telling her how to do better, to fight harder. I started to celebrate every little positive aspect of her and how that changed everything. Every day we find something good a positive to connect over. She amazes me with her strength and commitment to do well. I don’t feel I need to determine how she should live her life or feel disappointed that she hasn’t gone where I expected. We work together loosely on a recovery model where we bring all sorts of things together to support her feeling the best she can. Good healthy food ( I look after that but she decided its what she wants) exercise, hiking with friends, socializing and most importantly quiet time on her own to recharge. It doesn’t happen over night and its the small things that bring me joy and keep us connected. We are all here for you

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Mary
August 6th, 2017 at 11:05 AM
Thank you Janny. I needed your inspiration today. This is indeed rough on us all. Blessings to you and yours on this journey.
Diane
June 15th, 2017 at 5:30 AM
Evie, your comments are so pertinent, realistic and hopeful! I need to come back to your words time and time again. Although my granddaughter is basically in a stable place right at the moment, I know things can change in an instant. Giving support without losing myself is key. Thank you so much! Let us all find hope.

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judi
June 28th, 2017 at 8:59 AM
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Cheers!

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Janny
June 28th, 2017 at 9:36 AM
Hi Judi
I think the support of others onthis site is invaluable
The feeling of not being alone and knowing that others are living the same journey I find very comforting although I wish none of us had to live it. I hope all is well with you

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Janny
July 28th, 2017 at 7:34 AM
Thank you for your kind words. I too like the feeling of community on here. I have been quiet for some time as my daughter is very unwell. Unfortunately suicide is rearing its head. I am continuing to focus on being her cheerleader while acknowledging I cannot change what she may do impulsively. Unfortunately here in Canada the mental health services are very broken and she has to wait 6 months to see a psychiatrist. After much advocacy and persistently phoning decision makers in the mental health services she has an appointment in 5 weeks. There is no service between this long wait and turning up to the ER in full blown crisis. I am reluctant to take her there as the last time in the ER 2 years ago we encountered such a level of unskilled assessment from a mental health nurse that I had to assert my self and bypass her to a doctor who immediately saw the issue and she was admitted. Full disclosure I am a mental health nurse and no longer work in that field as I was discouraged by the ways in which mental health services developed criteria to exclude people from their service. The only way I got this sooner appointment was by stating we would not want follow up as we just bneeded an assessment and would then go back tou our GP and privately funded psychologist. There is a reason Canada rates so low on the world rankings for health care services. My other option is to take her back to Scotland and access services there which are much better. Its a lot of upheaval and the move itself may impact her negatively. Like all of you I take one day at a time and am grateful for small successes
Evie
August 6th, 2017 at 10:25 AM
Dear all, Right now my daughter is in a hospital somewhere and she didn’t give permission for me to know where she was taken. We both have been getting through the four months following my son’s suicide. She had been keeping her head above water until she recently quit the antipsychotic med. I just want to share my peace with you. I achieve it each moment as I have come to know that the miracle is located within this moment and IS this moment. The eternal now. As we desire and seek joy and peace in the moment, well, it may sound crazy, but you can find it. This moment is all we have.

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Diane
August 6th, 2017 at 4:13 PM
Thank you so much Evie for your last comments about this moment is what we have. My 29 year old is sliding into psychosis again and it is so hard to watch. All I can really go is save myself and live in the moment I have . I was meant to read your comment today to remind myself. Many many thanks!

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Janny
August 8th, 2017 at 5:23 AM
Diane I so agree with you. It is easy to get trapped in the cycle of guilt and pain but we need to live in this moment and acknowledge our strengths and love for our children . We cannot change the hand dealt and so must release ourselves from that and live for now
Janny
August 8th, 2017 at 5:21 AM
Dear Evie. I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. I am lucky in that my daughter allows me to be involved but your situation is very hard. We need to know peace to live through these days and I find mine by knowing that I love my daughter and have committed to supporting her but also know I cant control what happens. I hope that you find this in your heart and acknowledge your strength in dealing with this every day and that your daughter has a loving mother. Take time for you to release yourself from the pain and turmoil of these events

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Mary
August 6th, 2017 at 11:02 AM
Anyone have any experience with Trileptal for BPD? My daughter has been back home for a year now since having a nervous breakdown and being non compliant with her meds. She was on lithium which brought her back to earth but was very unhappy with the weight gain. She began taking the generic about 2 mos ago with mixed results. The strangest things are happening to her. She is regressed dramatically and remembering things that happened years ago like they were yesterday. She is 29 and has battled this wretched disease her entire life. Thanks for any guidance you can give.

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Evie
August 15th, 2017 at 3:16 PM
Lynn, and all, My daughter who lives with schizophrenia has been discharged from the hospital. Again. I have been where you are and I am still there. Always and again. Our best is good enough. Our love does not cure them but it’s all we have to offer. My heart goes out to all of you. It’s all I have to offer.

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JP
October 24th, 2017 at 7:28 PM
For caregivers its like a living hell. There are no options for those who are in-between. They are not criminals who can be housed in facilities and they cannot manage their life with medication. These are the ones who torture their caregivers. Society has no place for these people. We need facilities and laws to protect caregivers. Put the people who really need psychiatric care into public run facilities where they are restricted from torturing others.

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Mary K.
October 24th, 2017 at 8:27 PM
Amen. Once they become adults there is nothing you can do. My daughter had a bright future In research Decided she didn’t need her meds anymore. You can guess what happened next. She’s out roaming the streets aimlessly making absolutely no sense. Hates everyone especially any family. Very sad and frustrating at the same tome

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Mary K.
October 25th, 2017 at 8:28 PM
She has been reported as a missing person. Someone found her phone school books and tablet in the next town. No one has seen her since Sunday. Please keep us all in your prayers. Mental illness is a hideous curse.
Sally
November 9th, 2017 at 11:35 PM
It has been along time since I have visited this wonderful site, as I did not have access to my old email. We have all been through so much and it is so difficult to accept and come to terms with the reality of it. Very few people can understand this, and there is no help for them or us. My daughter has been hospitalized so many times that I lost count after 60. The past 3 years I fought to get conservatorship of her,, as she was suicidal and delusional, etc and was a complete mess. It took 2 years just to get her conserved. She was in several different facilities and it took along time to to get a somewhat favorable response to the medication. Now very overweight, and still has severe insomnia. but at least not suicidal. I try not to get discouraged with what the future may hold.
I dont enjoy much with this and have been married for almost 9 years and the entire time has been hell dealing with her and I am exhausted. Not sure howvlong this marriage will last as there is nothing left.I dont know if any of you have dealt with multiple hospitalizations and back to back crises like I have. If so, how did you cope with it all.
Sally

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Evie
November 10th, 2017 at 12:54 PM
Dear Sally, Choose peace over control. Each moment. Keep choosing.

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Mary K.
November 11th, 2017 at 6:32 PM
Thank you. I struggle as well. I see all her potential wasted and it saddens me to see her babbling incoherently. Most days she is just plain out there. It’s her struggle not mine. Medical “experts” tell me there is nothing we can do until she wants the help. It’s hard.

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Diane
November 12th, 2017 at 5:56 AM
Yes….it is hard. My adult granddaughter who has schizophrenia lives with me. She is miraculously able to work part time, but at home, life is so surreal. She made a huge sign for her room that says: Stop spraying drugs on me and give me back my face. I do the best I can in taking care of myself, but some days when it is gray and cold outside, I feel so empty and lost. This is certainly not how I pictured my elder years. Sending strength and courage to us all.
jane
November 12th, 2017 at 10:01 AM
I thought I had things bad, but actually they are not as bad as some of you here. My heart goes out to you. There is no support or provision for families dealing with children or grandchildren with mental illness. It is literally a living hell for everyone. It steals your life away.

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Evie
November 13th, 2017 at 4:17 AM
My dear compassionate Jane, I appreciate your empathy and I see what you mean about stolen lives. Yet I want to say that there has been life that has grown over the hell and has taken up residence deep within myself. This has even happened for my schizophrenic daughter despite the way she also suffers. We have changed into different people. We have lost so much of what we once were. YET…..I choose to believe that the change is not all “bad”. This is a stretch but this perspective seems to feel healthy to my brain. I choose to believe that as I seek peace I will find it in unexpected ways. And that my daughter will get through this life in her changed state as best she can. It is amazing how some of her ideas display a wisdom that is so deep. It’s like there is wisdom and beauty mixed in with the hell.

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Evie
November 12th, 2017 at 12:57 PM
My fellow strugglers: I pray God (or whatever power that fits your belief) will be our filter. To strain our brains, purging thoughts that disturb peace. We will choose to drink from the well of pace and joy each eternal now God filled miracle moment. The present moment is all we have. My face is not the one I had before my daughter’s mind lost connection with rationality. Nor is it the one I had before my son hanged himself. But I am trying to stay in an almost continuous meditative state that hold some peace. I can identify with Diane’s granddaughter in how she misses her former face. Yet none of us can control our losses. We can only get through this, looking beyond ourselves to find healing peace. I want my daughter to find it as well. Yet to think I can orchestrate this is as irrational as she has come to be.

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Mary K.
November 12th, 2017 at 8:48 PM
Amen sisters. I pray for strength and peace for us all.

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Mary K.
November 12th, 2017 at 8:49 PM
Amen sisters. I pray for strength and peace for us all. Hang in there knowing we are all doing the best we can.

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Diane
November 14th, 2017 at 4:12 AM
Thank you, Evie and all! The days when I can concentrate on me and my life are the best days. While considerations of my granddaughter are always in the back of my mind, if I can keep the focus on me and my needs and desires, even in the simplest of ways, life is so much better, My heart goes out to all of us as we travel down this road of uncertainty.

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J's Mom
April 10th, 2018 at 1:33 PM
Is this still an active site?

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
April 10th, 2018 at 2:05 PM
Hello J’s Mom. Yes, the site is active. Feel free to contribute your comments or questions.

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Phyl
October 22nd, 2019 at 1:38 PM
There should be areas of help for these families in need. It is so important and critical that caregivers are in their best mental state and taking care of their health as well so they can be stable enough to maintain the best possible care for their loved ones. Problem is too much money is spent on pharmaceuticals rather than actual health care and support. Nowadays it seems as if health care is defined as meds rather than support and actual care.

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Evie
April 10th, 2018 at 2:49 PM
If my other comment went through then this one can be omitted. I am having trouble with this site. I also think I clicked unsubscribe by accident. I am so grateful I found this blog again. For months I could not get on it. I want to encourage all of you! My daughter is receiving a court ordered monthly shot that helps. When “things” get desperate, sometimes this leads to more help. My love goes out to you all.

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Harold T.
April 19th, 2018 at 1:04 AM
The fear feeling of a parent that their children have an illness and it will complicate when things get rough for them. Thank you for sharing your great knowledge about this issue, looking forward to hear you soon.

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Bella
May 8th, 2018 at 1:28 AM
Hi Mom here, I have a son who’s been diagnosed with childhood epilepsy syndrome, this means their epilepsy has specific characteristics. These can include the type of seizure or seizures they have, the age when the seizures started and the specific results of an electroencephalogram (EEG).An EEG test is painless, and it records the electrical activity of the brain. In my son’s case, he has “benign” which means they usually have a good outcome and usually go away once the child reaches a certain age. And as a mom, I don’t want my son to suffer this kind of illness for a very long time. He’s 5 yrs old now and he is doing great in school. That’s why I am searching the best solution for my son and as along the way, I read that cannabis can be the solution to my problem. But I did not try it yet. So am just asking if it safe for my son? Any reply will highly appreciate. Thanks in advance.

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LifeisBeaultiful
July 24th, 2018 at 11:33 AM
I have a situation similar to so many others. My children’s mother (now my ex-wife) was diagnosed with a combination of Bipolar / delusional disorder.

In the United States, we cannot have a loved one involuntarily committed unless they are an imminent risk to themselves or others. Has anyone contemplated taking their loved one to a country where the civil liberties are less generous and might allow for involuntary commitment and administration of medication? If so, which locale?

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Evie
December 31st, 2018 at 4:52 AM
I have found this site again, or else it found me. They must have reconstructed it, or whatever happens regrding technological “stuff” that eludes this senior survivor…Diane and others, are you still out there? I am here and still breathing and choosing hope. My daughter is doing better on the monthly injection despite complications of side effects and life in general. I send love, hope to ALL of you. If you’re in the middle of crisis, I gently suggest that you just breathe for now.

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Janice
January 3rd, 2019 at 4:28 AM
Hello Evie, Glad to hear that things have settled down a bit for you. A chance to breathe. My daughter is doing okay at this time but it has been a rollercoaster. She is about to embark on a new therapy called EMDR which specifically targets PTSD so fingers crossed. I also attended a presentation on virtual reality and it is being used in PTSD and depression. Helps with calming ,mindfulness etc so am also looking into that but I am not a tech person. It seems easy to use though. I am hopeful that we may move back to our home country so that my daughter may have an opportunity to make plans for the future. I consider myself very lucky to be thinking about this knowing that others on here are in crisis. I know that it can change in a heartbeat so am grateful for each good day. I think of all the people on here a lot and hope they find the strength to carry on being a strong advocate for their loved one and themselves.

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Diane
January 3rd, 2019 at 2:34 PM
Yes! Still here….taking life one day at a time, I love what you say, Evie…choosing hope. I need to be be more mindful to choose hope as well. My granddaughter is 30 now and although not having extreme paranoia, she still exhibits symptoms of the disease. She is not working. According to her, she is studying for her final teacher certification test. We shall see. Summer and fall were rough and tumble for me dealing with her disease. I am hopeful this new year will be better.

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Evie
January 3rd, 2019 at 3:13 PM
DIANE!! I thought I had lost you. I cried out with joy to see your name and about Janice’s name too. I thought somehow we had lost the opportunity to be connected again, yet you were never absent from connection with my heart. Rough and tumble sounds familiar! Let us all keep breathing, choosing to be hoping in hope, and thereby putting one shaky foot in front of the other. Feel my hug encircling you and my tears that mingle with yours on your cheek…Peace! Upward and onward. Slowly, calmly, surely.
Evie
January 3rd, 2019 at 9:12 AM
Janice: AMEN! Love and peace to you all. Even if the peace is fragile… We can entertain no expectations, have no control, yet we can all hold hands in a chain of encouragement.

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Cricket
October 26th, 2019 at 10:11 PM
Evie, are you still out there?

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Miley C.
February 5th, 2019 at 11:37 PM
Good Job! This is an awesome post. I couldn’t find it anywhere on google.

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mt
April 9th, 2019 at 12:25 PM
My daughter has schizoaffective disorder. It’s been most difficult with her for the past 20 years. She is now 32 and presently conserved for the second time, in a program and living in a board and care. Her public guarding is seeking reconservatorship and the hearing is in a few days. Conservatorship is only for a year at a time. It was so hard to get her to this point of getting some kind of help. She is always trying to contest. There is always such emotional strain on us, her dad and I and her siblings, always praying for continued help in keeping her safe. I wish there was facilities for these poor souls so they could function in a more controlled environment, as they thrive much better in a controlled setting, at least my daughter does. To put them out in the community in not-so-good board and cares is not that safe. They still fall prey to dangerous situations, dangerous people, drugs, etc. It’s just a lot safer than living on the street. My daughter is in a program through the Department of Mental Health. I pray she’ll be conserved again for this year coming up. We have to take it year by year. We don’t have a plan B at this time. The court system can be so difficult to find your way through it. The answer was not to close the old facilities that housed our unfortunate loved ones, but to regulate them and make them better. This is so unfair to them. They are so difficult because of their illnesses that they never asked for. It’s so hard on us, her dad and I. So many emotions after all these years. Takes a toll. We don’t have control. There is nothing we can do.

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Mary
December 9th, 2019 at 8:35 PM
Anyone know of any support groups in Lexington, KY besides NAMI? It’s so hard to do this alone, especially without any resources or encouragement.
Thanks!

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mt
April 13th, 2019 at 7:52 PM
Yesterday, I found a stray dog. He ran up to us, ran into our house. A beautiful Alaskan Husky. We were so kind to him, fed him, gave water, and boy was he hungry. He smelled to high heaven. We took him to the local animal shelter, where they found he was chipped. They called the owners, who then came to pick him up the following morning. Everyone seemed so kind to him and compassionate. The owners came today to pick him up and it was noted that they had reported him missing since December. They were so happy to be reunited with their loved dog. I reported the missing dog on my local nextdoor.com to see if perhaps a neighbor nearby was looking for their missing dog. I took a picture of him and put it in the ad. So many nice folks were rooting for this dog and gave us credit for our efforts in finding the owner. I’m happy the dog is reunited with his family, but, all I really can think of his why don’t we treat people as we do stray animals. We see a stray animal and everyone’s heart melts with kindness and concern. Why is not true for the human beings left on the streets to whither and die. Were is everyone’s compassion for their fellow human, for the mentally ill, for the homeless. We have plenty of shelters for pets, but not so much for our homeless population. This is greatly disturbing for me. We need to be better. We need more opportunities and shelters to help our human population. We need facilities for our severely mentally ill to live in safely and with dignity.

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jane
April 15th, 2019 at 4:09 AM
Yes, that is so true. Human beings who are suffering and lonely, isolated and depressed are just left to rot.

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Terry B.
April 15th, 2019 at 7:05 AM
Suppory needed

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mt
April 22nd, 2019 at 5:00 PM
My daughter is conserved for the second time, first time in 2016-17 and 2018-now Her reconservatorship hearing was two weeks ago. Because she was in the hospital and wasn’t transported properly, it was postponed for today. Today she could not attend court because she is yet in the hospital again and was supposed to be transported, but was not able to be. No one notified the court, so the petition was dismissed!?! It needs to be refiled again. I don’t understand why there are so many glitches in the system. What about the patient and what she/he needs, not just about this rule or that rule. She fell through the cracks in 2017 because a doctor failed to show up to court to testify on her condition. I used to believe in the system and people. The older I get I realize you’re really on your own and need to fight along the way for everything. I will fight for my daughter.

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PHP
July 3rd, 2019 at 3:34 AM
Thanks for sharing this.

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JQG
November 19th, 2019 at 9:53 AM
Just kick him out. He will figure it out. He will find a way. I have heard this so many times I want to scream. I have also dealt with his illness and violence so many times I want to run away. The only people that understand what this is like are those in the same boat. My son is 24 and has a host of diagnosis from Bi-polar to anti-social personality disorder. He can be horrible but he can also be loving and kind. He can be violent, but he can be gentle. He is my child. If I kick him out he will be homeless or end up in jail. I have kicked him out in the past and that is exactly where he has ended up. He has been homeless and he is a felon. He can’t hold a job and keeps getting denied SSI. I am a single mom who works as a secretary with a 16 year old daughter with depression, anxiety and self harm as well. We all have PTSD at this point. I’m tired and I’m frustrated and I don’t have the days to take off work and go to meetings and appointments with him. I’m slowly losing my s*** and sometimes I wonder how much more I can take. There are so few resources for help. Just venting!

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another mother
November 26th, 2019 at 4:39 AM
Hello to all, with love

I won’t even tell the story. It is in the same vein as all the rest. My son (chronic PTSD from an assault, sudden death of his father, paranoia) is now 34. I was ignored and traumatized for years while I tried desperately to help.

The “system” is a fraud and the biomedical model was instigated by pharmaceutical companies who corrupted clinical trial data and bribed the psychiatric profession en masse to prescribe toxic, brain-disabling drugs indiscriminately. See Peter R Breggin, Robert Whitaker & Lisa Cosgrove, Peter Gotzsche, Joanna Moncrieff and others.

My health and life was destroyed. I have lost most relationships and all illusions. There is no civilization or family. My son is suicidal, in another city– stymied by abject poverty, bedbugs, injuries and an inability to handle critical financial matters which is likely to result in him losing his disability income. Nothing I do is helpful or worthy of gratitude. I am the only one on deck. After eleven years of this, I am shell shocked beyond recognition but remain present and struggling because without me there is no one.

The fact there are 900+ comments and they are still being added to this 2012 article tells you parents of adult children in Canada and the US need to organize. I have learned a great deal and offer a link to the press release for the 2017 statement of the UN Special Rapporteur for the right to health (Dainius Puras): “We need little short of a revolution in mental health care to end decades of neglect, abuse and violence,” Mr. Pūras said after presenting his latest report to the UN Human Rights Council in Geneva. ohchr.org/EN/NewsEvents/Pages/DisplayNews.aspx?NewsID=21689&LangID=E

I have not been able to find a support group in Mississauga (or Toronto) Ontario Canada. I don’t use Facebook but even so it amazes me that I cannot find the angry families who must exist. My son almost ended up homeless because the agency which should have been protecting his housing incomprehensibly refused to cooperate on any solution or manage the issue. I was traumatized beyond repair. I was ignored by two psychiatrists and my son never did get any psychological care. If there is anyone out there from Toronto who knows of an authentic support group, I’d be grateful for the information.

This is a question of human rights and developing a system which responds to psychological distress in a compassionate, psychosocial way. Unfortunately the mainstream appears indifferent to human suffering until it affects them directly– by which time it is too late to object to immoral public policy.

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Becky
December 10th, 2019 at 12:23 AM
Sitting here tonight reading these comments and crying because my 37 y/o son who had been doing fine on medications messed up taking them for several months an is now off the rails again. He lost his job and drivers license due to too many tickets. Just got his license back today and got another ticket within 12 hours and will lose his car and license for a year now which will make it almost impossible to get another job or attend counseling. Spent last several weeks trying to find him a psychiatric nurse practitioner to modify his meds without any luck. My husband and I are retiring soon and cannot afford to support him the rest of his life, but cannot bear to see him out on the streets either. I’ve been dealing with his diagnoses of depression, PTSD from an assault, bi-polar, and schizophrenia since 2003, but worst has been since 2014 with no hope in sight. Hoping to get him help somewhere soon and try and get him on SSD because he has got to have some income. Voices in his head are what he says caused him to get ticket tonight which will lead to him losing license and car again. My relationship with my husband is suffering and honestly I am scared my son will commit suicide because he feels so worthless. Crying now . . . but starting to wonder how long I can continue dealing with all this myself. Feeling lost tonight. Please pray for us.

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Drained
October 29th, 2021 at 6:49 PM
Another Mother,
While reading your post, I realized just how draining it is for the families of those suffering from mental illness. Most of us have been traumatized by the System, lack of support from the System and the constant verbal abuse from our sick family member. Many of us are retired, some with limited incomes, and many with health issues including chronic pain. We usually deal with our miserable home lives in silence since any form of mental imbalance is stigmatized by Society. Friends and Family alike do not understand because they aren’t living our lives. Most of us feel guilt because we cannot help our Loved One and don’t know what the future holds for them when we are gone. I lie awake many nights worried about what will happen to our daughter, only to be accused over and over again by the same daughter of not caring about her situation. She does get SSI but will not save a dime for the future. I don’t know what the future holds but the Stress is DRAINING. We have to listen to her rants for hours and hours about what horrible parents we have been. We have been blamed for everything that is wrong in her life. We have bent over backwards to help her, but none of that is acknowledged. Every week she comes up with something else that we didn’t do or some other way the we failed her. It goes on and on and on. It’s very hard to listen to this knowing that it’s untrue. Her hatred towards us is so intense that you can cut it with a knife. We took her to the ER psych 4 months ago because she was threatening to end her life, stayed there over 4 hours during the middle of the night, only to have them release her. We had the Crises Intervention Team, which include Police officers, come about 3 months ago because she was threatening suicide and had burned herself with cigarettes. She was able to convince them that everything was ok.?????? About 1 month ago my husband and I left home to pick up dinner, only to return and find two Police cars across the street from our home. We pulled up and asked a neighbor what was going on. He said I think they were at your house???? Turns out our daughter called the cops and told them we were giving her a hard time.????? Apparently the Cops were able to discern from our shock that we hadn’t done anything. Also, I’m sure they had the prior records in their computer. One very nice cop gave us the Crises Intervention Team #. I didn’t have the heart to tell him we had dealt with them and they are worthless. If I talk to anyone on the phone I am accused of talking about her. She thinks we have her room bugged and when she is out we are going through her things. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are too busy enjoying a short while of not having to walk on egg shells. Her Counselor and Psychiatrist won’t even return our calls. A Psychiatrist she had for years retired and our daughter hasn’t been the same since. That Doctor would talk with us, hospitalize her when she needed to be stabilized and kept the Medications to a minimum. The Doctor also knew our family and wasn’t taken in by our Daughter’s mind games and lies. Everyone she has had since doesn’t seem to even care. She is on so many medications it doesn’t seem real. Oh, I forgot to mention that since my Husband was diagnosed with Cancer, our Daughter’s behavior and outbursts have been worse than ever. He doesn’t need or deserve that. Well, thanks for letting me vent. Many Blessings to you all and let us keep each other lifted up in love and in prayer. Our lives are extremely difficult. Hopefully one day there will be adequate support for those dealing with Mental Disorders and their loved ones and Caregivers.

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Evie
November 1st, 2021 at 4:00 AM
My heart goes out to Stressed and to all of you dealing with mentally oppressed children. Keep walking. We will get through. Take nothing personally. Choose this. When your support isn’t appreciated, choose to overlook it and keep being yourself. My situation, so similar to yours, has evolved to a juncture where I’m at peace. It will happen for you. My love and prayers are with you all–Evie

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Holly
January 28th, 2024 at 6:58 AM
Good Therapy is a window inside families in turmoil with a mentally ill relative. My son is mentally ill and I can identify with all the comments.

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