The hurt and sadness were overwhelming. The grief felt as if “something” had died. And then she realized: it was her innocence. She would never again have that feeling of carefree and absolute trust in her partner.
Anxiety and panic stalked her even when she wasn’t thinking about it. Her mind raced with questions: “Was my 19-year marriage a sham? Did Alex ever really love me? How could he have done this to me? Where was the trustworthy, loyal man I married? Do I really know who he is?”
Within the first three weeks, she lost nine pounds. She couldn’t eat. Sleeping through the night was a challenge. She felt depressed. Every television show seemed to be about infidelity. She couldn’t get away from it.
Alex, for his part, felt terrible. The weight of his guilt was almost unbearable. He watched Ashley’s suffering and did his best to comfort her. She vacillated between wanting to be held closely and desiring to shove him away. He beat himself up daily. Desperate to save his marriage, he finally convinced Ashley to go to marriage counseling with him.
Bob and I saw them in co-counseling as a team. On their first therapy visit, we listened to their heart-wrenching story and saw two people “dripping in pain.” They asked us if there was hope to save their marriage. We told them yes, that we’d worked with many couples who’d come in as the result of an affair; if they did the necessary work and persevered over time, their marriage could not only survive, it could be stronger than it was before the affair. We asked them to borrow our hope until they felt it themselves.
Over the next 18 months, they came to weekly sessions. In the safety of our therapy room, we helped them face and walk through the pain they experienced. Alex honestly answered any and all questions Ashley had, even when it felt punishing and at times arduous. He patiently listened to and empathized with her anger and hurt, even when every cell in his body wanted her to move on from it.
Alex reflected upon how and why he’d made the choices that almost ended his marriage and family. He faced his feelings about his father cheating on his mother and expressed how disappointed he was in himself since he never wanted to be “that guy.”
Ashley worked hard on learning how to express herself in a way Alex could hear. She became less critical and owned her thoughts and feelings. She asked for what she needed instead of expecting Alex to read her mind.
She allowed herself to feel empathy for Alex’s pain when he described his feelings of self-loathing and disappointment in his behavior.
Ashley learned about the meaning of forgiveness; it didn’t mean forgetting what happened or condoning Alex’s behavior. Forgiveness meant letting go of her anger and pain about the affair, so she could move forward.
When a partner’s affair is exposed, there is a seismic shift in the foundation of their relationship. Without warning, the earth trembles and large cracks appear. Though the shaking may last only for seconds, the aftershocks are felt for days, weeks, and months. The ground is forever changed.
The two of them explored the history of their marriage and how insidiously they drifted apart, became more like roommates, and took each other for granted. Their primary focus on raising kids and building careers resulted in less time and attention to their marriage. They faced the fact their marriage became vulnerable to an affair as a result, though Alex owned the choice he made to stray.
Together, Alex and Ashley discussed ways to create a deeper connection, emotionally and sexually. They learned to communicate more genuinely and express themselves authentically even in the most difficult times. They learned to manage conflict instead of escalating or avoiding it. They worked on creating habits of connecting daily and appreciating each other. They opened up about their sexual needs and desires even though it was awkward at first.
When a partner’s affair is exposed, there is a seismic shift in the foundation of their relationship. Without warning, the earth trembles and large cracks appear. Though the shaking may last only for seconds, the aftershocks are felt for days, weeks, and months. The ground is forever changed.
Though some couples separate, there is a great chance of survival if both partners have the earnest desire, patience, and emotional fortitude to do the work. Therapy helps couples face the trauma together, work toward understanding and forgiveness, and create an even deeper connection than existed before.
It took time, work, and patience, but Alex and Ashley both agreed it was worth the effort. They were grateful they had not impulsively separated.
It’s not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but couples can and do survive affairs. If your relationship has been rocked by infidelity, take your time before making any impulsive decisions. Find a therapist who specializes in marriage, affairs, and relationships for yourself and/or you and your partner.
Note: Names and details have been altered to protect confidentiality.
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