No wonder, psychiatry.org reports in 2024, 43% of adults say they feel more anxious than they did the previous year, up from 37% in 2023 and 32% in 2022. Adults are particularly anxious about current events (70%) — especially the economy (77%), the 2024 U.S. election (73%), and gun violence (69%). (I did use technology to research these statistics).
Couples that I treat complain their partner is constantly on their phone. Go to any restaurant and you’ll see couples on a date night on their phones texting someone else besides their partner. Or scrolling through senseless videos of dogs jumping up and down. Then they go home and sit on separate ends of the couch getting ready for work the next day answering emails. What does this have to do with mental health? The couple is not communicating and the important household chores that have to get done get pushed to the side, increasing the levels of stress, loneliness, boredom, and depression.
In my practice, I treat betrayal trauma due to infidelity. Treatment involves building trust back between partners. One of my suggestions is to stay in touch more often during the day. Take the case of William and Mary. Mary is a stay-at-home mom while William is the production manager of a local manufacturing plant. William is a busy guy, never knowing when some piece of equipment is going to go down and stop production. But he promised Mary, he would call her periodically during the day. One day, Mary texts William because she hasn’t heard from him in the past 15 minutes. William is having a crisis at work and can’t stop and text or call every 15 minutes. But Mary doesn’t agree. “Why can’t you just text me that you don’t have time to text me?”
We live in an instant gratification world and it’s all the smartphone’s fault. Partners complain if you don’t call me or text me back within five minutes, you must be fooling around with someone else. We’re so used to getting information instantly on our phones that we forget people are busy at work and aren’t available 24/7/365. Those that make themselves available 24/7 eventually burn out holding on to so much anger catering to everyone else’s timetable.
According to Fight the New Drug.org, “most kids today are exposed to porn by age 13. 84.4% of males and 57% of females ages 14-18 have viewed porn. At least 1 in 3 porn videos show sexual violence or aggression. 53% of boys and 39% of girls believe pornography is a realistic depiction of sex. Yet, porn consumers tend to be less satisfied in relationships, less committed, and more permissive of cheating.”
Think about this in terms of relationships. William’s porn use has escalated in recent years. What used to be exciting is now boring, so he searches for something more stimulating, more taboo, or weirder, sometimes falling into illegal child porn. He spends so much time looking at porn that he loses interest in being intimate with his wife. Studies show that hours of porn use and masturbation limit a man’s ability to perform sexually.
William falls asleep one night after looking at hours of porn and Mary gets up, looks at his phone, and discovers hundreds of porn videos in his browser. Then she checks his texts and sees he’s been sexting with several women, telling each one he loves them, just to keep the fantasy romance going. Mary is in shock, traumatized by the betrayal of the one person in the world she trusted most intimately. Her world has fallen apart and she questions her sanity, asking, who is this person I married?
Mary confronts William and William denies everything. He resents the fact that Mary keeps asking him all of these questions. After all, all men look at porn and he’s not hurting anybody by just looking. “At least I’m not having a physical affair with anyone!”
Mary questions herself. Why does he have to look at those women when he has me? I, Mary must not be as pretty, sexy, or lovable as those girls he’s looking at or sexing with. Because if I was, he wouldn’t need to look at all that filth or text other women. What’s wrong with me, she asks?
This scenario plays itself out daily in my office. Whether you call it out-of-control sexual behavior or porn addiction, the pain caused by this use of technology is gut-wrenching for both partners. The betraying partner is full of guilt, shame, and remorse once he sees what damage it has done to his partner. The betrayed partner is so traumatized she cannot think straight, sleep well, or function to her full potential. My job as a therapist is just beginning, repairing the damage, building trust, and explaining the difference between addiction and choice.
Technology has its advantages and disadvantages. For some people who get hooked on the obsessive, compulsive aspects of technology, life can be a slippery slope of time wasted, poor communication, lack of intimacy, and a life of fantasy versus reality.
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