Articles discussing anger in relationships often feature photos that tend to be comical, depicting people screaming or gesturing wildly at each other, for example. These photos take a lighthearted look at a very serious subject—in my opinion, nothing destroys a relationship quicker than hostility and anger.
Consider this scenario: You’ve spent time laying the foundation of a loving relationship (that hopefully started with building a friendship) with your partner. You’ve worked hard to have a strong foundation of friendship and respect, but slowly you’re beginning to realize your partner is someone who has a lot of anger built up. Often you don’t even know where the anger they experience is coming from.
Anger can have a serious impact on a relationship. Those who live with and love someone who has a lot of anger can often get caught up in trying to find fault. A symptom of something deeper and more complex, anger can also be contagious, and both people in the relationship often end up angry. After a time, you may become less able to even recognize each other as people, and your basic feelings about yourself often no longer align with what you’re experiencing. Instead, you end up seeing yourself as an angry and hostile individual, identifying your relationship as one where you as well as your partner are angry all the time.
In my work with couples, I focus on helping each partner become authentic and vulnerable, to reach a place where they are susceptible and open to the other partner’s words, actions, and statements.
When we are continually angry, we can begin to see each other as adversaries instead of the allies we truly are. We may have learned the best defense is an offense, so we go into attack mode, to strike at them before they can strike us. That keeps us defensive, trapped in the mode of looking to our partner as the one who is responsible for the problem. We’re not going to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to being hurt. If we do, we’re open to blaming our partners for the problems. This creates negative assumptions about our partners, so we lean toward being protective of ourselves. The result is an outward appearance of being uncaring and unloving—though this appearance may be accurate in the moment, when we are in protection and defense mode in our relationship instead of focusing on the love we have for our partner.
The cycle of anger changes our perception of ourselves, our partners, and the entire relationship. To change this perception and see what is really there, we need to identify the fears and difficulties that have been created by the anger and address the impact anger is having on the relationship.
When we are continually angry, we can begin to see each other as adversaries instead of the allies we truly are. We may have learned the best defense is an offense, so we go into attack mode, to strike at them before they can strike us. That keeps us defensive, trapped in the mode of looking to our partner as the one who is responsible for the problem.
If we experienced anger in our family of origin, or if we have experience with domestic violence, we may recognize its danger. We might try to avoid anger as long as possible, but it builds up, like a teakettle slowly reaching a boil. Eventually you, like the kettle, will eventually reach a boiling point where you can no longer contain your anger. If you don’t have the skills to manage it productively, it can explode.
It can be difficult to talk about anger instead of displaying it. Maybe your past family experience tells you violence will be the outcome of any discussion, and so discussing your anger is the last thing you want to do. This is one situation where both people often feel so bad about themselves and each other that they tend to not even recognize themselves or their partner in these interactions.
In defense, some numb their emotions and don’t access them at all. Feelings of being denied, or as if one’s feelings don’t matter, often develop, and these fears, insecurities, and feelings of self-doubt contribute to the anger. The conflict causes partners to avoid connecting emotionally not only to the anger, but also to the other intense emotions that accompany it.
Because the experience is so different from the way you see yourself, you may tend to see your partner as the one who is causing it and come to believe you don’t matter to them. But anger is an emotion that often serves to mask other emotions—pain, loneliness, or feelings of alienation. Often we must go through the anger to the other side in order to resolve the other emotional hurts underneath.
The answer to this is really to go back to the friendship, the foundation you first laid for your love relationship. Underneath all of the pain and difficulty are still two people who truly love and care about each other and want the best for each other. We want to be there for each other, but how do we do that when emotional eruptions continue to happen and we feel powerless to stop them?
Try these steps:
Anger is something that can alter a relationship to the point you are no longer able to be proud of who you are together. You want to have the kind of relationship where you feel you’re with your best friend and where you know you care deeply for each other. Once partners get to the core of the problems and identify the needs both parties have, it’s possible to learn how to meet those needs for each other and begin to have more positive experiences together, changing any negative perceptions.
Anger is often a symptom of something deeper. When we realize this, we can address this in order to change the tone of our discussion about anger, put an end to negative interactions, and begin to make space for positive communication and change.
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