I was surprised recently by a discussion among members of a group of therapists describing how they use sarcasm in their personal lives with their children and their spouses. I had assumed they would understand why that’s probably not a good idea. Why? Because sarcasm isn’t humor. It’s hostility. And it makes people feel bad.
It may be challenging to accept this, especially if your response to my statement that sarcasm is not humor raised your hackles. Some even believe that sarcasm is a sign of high intelligence. Well, no. Well-developed wit is a sign of high intelligence. Wit is insightful, showing us the world in a slightly new way. Great wit is a high art.
Sarcasm, on the other hand, derives from Greek words that mean “tearing of the flesh.” Sarcasm is hostility disguised as humor. That’s why when someone says something sarcastic to you, you don’t feel good. Sarcasm is unsettling. If you challenge it, the person can say, “What? I was just kidding!” But it doesn’t feel like kidding. It feels like veiled criticism. Because that’s exactly what it is, regardless of its superficial deniability.
For some individuals who identify as highly sensitive persons (see the work of Elaine Aron to understand what this means), sarcasm is particularly biting. But most people respond negatively to it, whether they show it or not. Think about the last time someone made a sarcastic remark directed specifically at you. Maybe they made a comment about your “ballet shoes” if you were wearing hiking boots. Maybe they cut closer with something like, “Take all the time you need. The rest of the world can wait.” Did you appreciate it? Did it help you?
We hear the term passive-aggressive often to describe someone whose orientation is sarcastic. It means that on the surface, the person’s words and actions are neutral, but that underneath them lies a second layer of meaning which is aggressive. It doesn’t mean wavering between the two; it means both at once. Sarcasm is passive-aggressive speech.
Sarcasm directed at an individual is also an indicator that someone doesn’t have the courage to come right out and say whatever is bothering them. Or they lack the fortitude to realize it’s really none of their business what others choose to do, regardless of how “annoying” they may find someone’s particular actions or comments or even lifestyle.
Sarcasm directed at an individual is also an indicator that someone doesn’t have the courage to come right out and say whatever is bothering them. Or they lack the fortitude to realize it’s really none of their business what others choose to do, regardless of how “annoying” they may find someone’s particular actions or comments or even lifestyle.
If you are dealing with someone who is predictably sarcastic, remember that sarcasm becomes a habit. As such, over time it can seem untethered to the underlying psychological framework that produces it. As a result, a sarcastic person is likely to refute any suggestion from you that sarcasm might be hostile and cowardly. So what can you do?
You can describe the distress you feel when a sarcastic remark is directed at you. Perhaps you feel minimized; perhaps criticized; perhaps even showered with contempt. Helping someone see how painful such comments feel to you, regardless of the conscious intention of the speaker, has the potential to relieve you of having to endure sarcasm from them. And be sure to assert that yes, you can take a joke, when it is a joke and not veiled hostility.
Remember that you are right to experience discomfort in the presence of someone’s sarcasm. Your flesh is being torn, or the flesh of someone else is being torn in your presence. Sarcasm is not clever wordplay. Wit is clever wordplay. Encourage the latter.
If you find you tend toward sarcastic remarks yourself, ask yourself what you’re truly trying to convey to the other person. Maybe you can find a more direct way to say it. Or maybe you’ll decide it’s better left unsaid.
And next time you hear someone describe “biting sarcasm” as if it were a high art, you’ll hear the redundancy in the phrase and understand why it stings so much to witness it.
If passive-aggressive behavior is an issue in your life, consider meeting with a therapist.
The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
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