Along these lines, a mother who has traits of covert narcissism may appear, on the surface, to be self-effacing and self-sacrificing. Everything she does is for the benefit of her children. The community sees a parent who is room mom, PTA president, or sanctified Sunday school teacher. Her social media presence may rival that of a minor celebrity! At every game, activity, and lesson, Mom is involved in her daughter’s every decision—so involved, in fact, that Daughter is never allowed to make any decisions on her own. This level of intimacy between mother and daughter is seen by most as something that is “all good,” but a more careful look reveals this is not the case.
The apparent closeness of the mother-daughter relationship can obscure the reality of the situation—Mom is relying on her daughter in ways that are unhealthy for both of them. In this case, it is the needs of the mother, not the daughter, that are the central driving force in the relationship.
When a mother-daughter dynamic is affected by the mother’s covert narcissism, the impact of this can be seen throughout the daughter’s life. A mother who is narcissistically defended experiences her daughter’s growing independence as a threat. Her defenses make it hard to take the losses and incorporate them at each developmental stage. Psychologically, she cannot withstand the losses involved in allowing her daughter to become more independent.
To counter this independence, Mom establishes herself and her own needs as primary, thus making it more and more difficult for her daughter to find her voice and claim her life for herself. In other words, the mother can be said to appropriate her daughter’s right to live her own life at each developmental stage. She isn’t doing this with “evil” intent. She is simply unable to let go of her daughter.
Here is how this dynamic can play out at each developmental stage, with the mother’s needs centered to forestall the daughter’s individuation:
In a functional mother/daughter relationship, it is normal for each of these stages of development to involve losses for both mother and daughter. However, mothers with narcissistic defenses often cannot take the normal developmental loss that would allow their daughter to individuate and separate in a healthy way. The daughters of these mothers often feel trapped in the role of “Good Daughter,” acting to fulfill an obligation they may not be fully aware of: filling the sense of emptiness Mom experiences. Daughters may not have the language to fully describe covert narcissism, or the behavior of their mothers, or how the dynamic affects them, but they may know “If Momma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy”—if Mom doesn’t feel happy and fulfilled, no one else can, either.
The impact of covert narcissism in the mother/daughter dynamic can be far-reaching, even when it goes unrecognized. Some of the people I’ve worked with in therapy are completely unaware of the pressure playing the role of Good Daughter exerts on them, though they feel the effects.
Daughters of narcissistically defended mothers typically sacrifice their own emotional authenticity in order to keep their mothers happy. In short, they don’t know how they feel. They only know how they should behave in order to fulfill Mom’s needs and how they should make her feel.
Daughters trapped in the role of Good Daughter feel an intense pressure to make their narcissistically defended mothers look and feel good. In childhood and young adulthood, daughters may strive to fulfill this need through achievement, performance, and—above all—good behavior. The first priority is making Mom look like a great mom, not the growing independence and needs of Daughter.
As an adult, Daughter takes on the role of making Mom feel needed, relevant, and special. She labors under the pressure to fill Mom’s need to remain primary in her life, as Mom’s narcissistic defenses mandate this to be so.
Daughters of narcissistically defended mothers typically sacrifice their own emotional authenticity in order to keep their mothers happy. In short, they don’t know how they feel. They only know how they should behave in order to fulfill Mom’s needs and how they should make her feel. As a result, they may experience guilt, shame, and self-doubt as they struggle with internal conflict. Often, they may be unaware of the intrapsychic conflict behind their struggle. As they attempt to move toward independence, they may feel guilty or ashamed without fully understanding why. These daughters may also unconsciously sabotage their successes in order to keep their mother relevant.
In short, Mom’s emotions can crush the Good Daughter’s essential self and rule her life. The demands and pressures of the Good Daughter role underlie much of the anxiety and depression seen in women today.
A daughter’s yearning—her need—to individuate and grow apart from her mother is in conflict with the competing desire to gain both her mother’s approval and the permission to separate psychologically. In a dynamic where the mother is narcissistically defended, this permission is unlikely to be granted. When a mother’s need to be relevant prevents her from letting her daughter go, her daughter is harmed, and she is also at risk for repeating the cycle with her own daughter.
Through psychotherapy, daughters can gain awareness of their internal conflict. The support of a trained and compassionate counselor can help them get in touch with their healthy striving for psychological independence and explore how to make this separation. By breaking free of the cycle of covert narcissism, the Good Daughter can empower her own daughter while healing herself.
Mothers with traits of covert narcissism can also benefit from psychotherapy, when they are willing to do the hard work it requires. Our culture does little to support mothers as they lose relevance in their daughter’s lives, but through therapy, mothers who struggle to let go can confront this difficulty and learn strategies to absorb, incorporate, and even grow from the losses they experience as their daughters grow and reach adulthood.
Note: This article refers specifically to the dynamic between a mother with traits of covert narcissism and her daughter. Parent-child relationships of any gender combination can be similarly touched by covert narcissism.
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