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What to Do If Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Get Married

What to Do If Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Get Married

June 28, 2013 • Contributed by Zawn Villines, GoodTherapy.org Correspondent

The pages of women’s magazines are filled with articles offering methods for encouraging men to propose marriage and entire websites are dedicated to increasing a person’s marry-ability. Both men and women can be hesitant about marriage, and when romantic partners have different opinions of marriage, the conflict can be challenging to resolve.

It is possible, however, to have a committed and loving relationship without marriage, and some people who are uncomfortable with marriage ultimately change their minds. A disagreement about marriage doesn’t have to end your relationship, particularly if you both are committed to the relationship.

Avoiding Marriage

If you’re itching to get married and your partner resists, it’s easy to assume there’s a problem with the relationship or that your partner isn’t fully committed to you. These issues could indicate that it’s time to consider moving on. But there are myriad other reasons people are uncomfortable with marriage that have nothing to do with the relationship. Cohabitation is an increasingly popular option; one 2013 study found that 32% of couples chose long-term cohabitation over marriage. Some reasons your partner might be uninterested in marriage include:

Discomfort with the events that surround a wedding, the costs associated with getting married, or family conflicts that can arise when a couple exchanges vows.
Fear of divorce.
Fear of losing one’s individual identity.
Wanting to “test” the relationship a little longer before taking the plunge.
Disliking the historical implications of marriage, which include viewing women as property and men as little more than providers.
A desire to avoid an institution in which some same-sex couples can’t participate.

The Role of Communication

As with so many other relationship issues, open and honest communication is the key to resolving disputes about marriage. You might assume you know your partner’s reason for avoiding marriage, but you don’t really know until you ask. Hearing that your partner is concerned that marriage might change the relationship will likely feel a lot better than simply assuming your partner doesn’t want to get married because he or she doesn’t love you.

And for partners who want to get married, explaining clearly and logically why you want to get married can make a big difference. The benefits of marriage include automatic paternal legitimation for children, significant tax benefits, and shared insurance. Pointing these out to your partner could help, but addressing his or her concerns is equally important. You might be able to come to an agreement about when you’ll reevaluate the marriage question and how you’ll address insecurities and relationship logistics in the meantime.

While you might feel hurt if your partner doesn’t want to marry you, it’s important to consider that marriage might mean something completely different to your partner. Consequently, it’s wise to focus on other ways to get your needs met rather than making marriage a deal-breaker. If, however, you can’t stay in a relationship that doesn’t end in marriage, trying to push the relationship toward marriage can cause it to fall apart. It might be better to end things now.

Addressing Potential Concerns

If you and your partner agree to live together without getting married, you’ll have the freedom to pick and choose which marriage benefits you want to take advantage of and which you want to avoid altogether. A simple contract, for example, can outline who owns what property and how it will be divided if you split up. And if you have a child together, you’ll need to ensure that both parents are listed on the birth certificate or that the nonbiological parent adopts the child. You won’t be able to get tax benefits, but you can still combine your lives in a way that works for both of you.

References:

Aleccia, J. (2013, April 4). “The new normal”: Cohabitation on the rise, study finds. NBC News. Retrieved from http://www.nbcnews.com/health/new-normal-cohabitation-rise-study-finds-1C9208429?franchiseSlug=healthmain
Roberts, S. (2013, April 9). Against marriage: A ring does not define a relationship. The XX Factor. Retrieved from http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/04/09/the_case_against_marriage_a_ring_doesn_t_define_a_relationship.html
Schwyzer, H. (2011, February 16). Why some men don’t want to get married. Alternet. Retrieved from http://www.alternet.org/story/149941/why_some_men_don’t_want_to_get_married

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The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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Commitment: We Have So Much to Learn

How to Effectively Approach Your Partner About Relationship Issues

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311 comments
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W.Grace
June 29th, 2013 at 12:17 AM
This may be a sticky subject to some people but for others cohabitation is perfectly fine.it doesn’t mean there is no love or the relationship has lost it’s fizz.problem begins if one partner wants to be married and the other doesn’t.so it’s essential to discuss this at an early stage of the relationship.

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John
September 1st, 2019 at 12:16 AM
Actually, it would be a weird situation to handle but here, you really need to think if that person deserves you?

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laura
July 1st, 2013 at 4:35 AM
If I have been with someone for a long time and I feel like marriage is the next logical step for us but I feel like he is holding back then I think that I would have to reconsider if the two of us are going to be a good match for one another. It’s one thing to want to hold off for a while if financially you are still getting things together or there are some relationship issues that the two of you are working through. But why not get married if you have done it all and the relationship is healthy and strong? getting married will only make it that much stronger so when there is that hesitation on the part of one of the people, then that to me sends up big warning signals. This might not be the right person to be with after all if you are convinced that marriage is the way to go and he istrying to avoid that commitment like the plague.

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Jesse
November 28th, 2016 at 6:42 AM
The gender biased court system along withe the fact that a second marrage is 70% likly to end in divorce is a big problem with men. I personally have worked hard to recover from my first marrage where I might be able to retire at a resonable age. If I was to marry now I would put all that at risk with a 70% chance of failure. It kinda seems like a no-brainer to me. If she really loves me she would not ask me to take that risk.

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Sylvana
May 1st, 2017 at 12:26 PM
I Beene my fiancé for 4 years but now he change his mind about marry me I ask him why he said he doesn’t know why pls help
patti
July 7th, 2013 at 3:58 AM
I am a woman,and have known women, who’ve strung along for years,(although a man might find himself in the same situation,) Chicks grow a backbone. Do not spread your knees to a man you don’t love.And he should also be in love with you.Once this is a mutually established fact,you need,for your own protection, to give your love object, a goal, if not ultimatum, time-wise,’til you are engaged,with a date,and arrangements should start being made within a couple of weeks of that date for your wedding day. You don’t need some wedding marketer to sell you a $20,000 package, to live in future contented bliss either. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS PERSON,if it can be at all avoided.One person’s trial marriage is, for another, a reason not to buy the cow, cause the cream is free. free,Thus inviting string-along.A lot of happy marriages srarted at the Courthouse or a minister’s office ceremony. Agood rule of thumb time wise for women is,if you are under 21,wait.After 22-25,18 mos-2yr.s,25-28,1yr,-18mos., over 28, 1yr, After 30,1yr. Men often consider women to have a youth,”shelf life,”(even though we might out live them by many years).Men don’t usaully have to worry about this,even though a man’s age may be important to a women).Keep that backbone,here’s the hard part,you must be prepared to tell your sweetie,that your dating is over,if the time is up.the relationship is over if they don’t commit by the appointed time. This will keep you,(and maybe the other person), from wasting years of your life. This seems old fashioned but it works, I told my boyfriend, once he let me know he was in love with me,and I with him,he had 18 mos. to marry me, or that’s it, bye-bye,and he proposed in 6 mos.! We married 1 yr.later,May 27, 2000.We’re still contently married,in love, and have 2 beautiful daughters.

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Kyle
May 27th, 2016 at 8:56 PM
Wow, I’d have dropped you the moment you tried that if I was him. So basically your logic is that you would throw away a completely fine relationship over a refusal to sign what amounts to a legal contract. Your claim that you “love” him I don’t buy at all, as no one could just throw a relationship out the window with a person they love because the person wouldn’t sign a contract. Your claim that you are happily married I also do not buy. You may be happy, but he could just be a wimp who constantly acquiesces to your demands.

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prenee
September 11th, 2016 at 8:26 PM
I’m in a situation where I was led down the garden path so my SO could get what he wanted without being committed. If and when he dies I am likely to be kicked out of this house because his family is money hungry. No co-hab agreement since he fought me on it. He wanted to get married but when I said okay he backed off. So I’m out of my house for 5 years and in his. No legal rights and no safety net all for believing what this man says. I should have given him an ultimatum at least 3 or 4 years ago. I wouldn’t be in this situation now. If a man wants a woman he will make every effort to keep her, not throw her away when he has to make a legal commitment and actually give her some legal protection. So my advice to any woman in the same predicament, let the man know what you want upfront. Don’t play games and have respect for yourself because as soon as you’re gone he will be onto the next unsuspecting female.
D
November 2nd, 2016 at 4:42 AM
A partner not wanting marriage will be a really big problem if your view of relationships follows a traditional slant. If your expectations are that (typically) the male is a guaranteed provider/ breadwinner, you are sole carer of children and expect to have a settlement based around being provided for beyond the end of the relationship/marriage if it goes wrong… then yes no marriage is definitely a deal breaker.

There’s a whole other set of assumptions. That the male will trade in for a younger model (both an insulting stereotype and unrealistic in the sense that young women don’t actually throw themselves at balding middle-age men). An assumption that there’s some kind of massive asymmetry in genders initiating breakups.. there isn’t; both initiate breakups. That marriage with stop an infidelity (no, married people have affairs). That marriage will stop someone leaving (in reality you can’t stop them or they can die). You’re being sold a lie if anything is claimed to stop the chance of you dying alone.

There are other assumptions society makes, that a woman leaving a marriage is legitimate (it may well be, i.e. abuse etc.), but men leaving relationships are usually prejudged as to their motives. For example if a woman was impeded from getting a divorce because she’d fallen out of love, it would be a matter looked upon very seriously. Reverse the gender roles and it’s a very different situation. Married or not men, in reality (practically, not because of discrimination )have very little rights in terms of being a father/child access etc. Child support arrangements are the same married or not.

Obviously there are negatives for marriage for women as well, for example why shouldn’t they continue in their careers if they want to? Rigid social conventions don’t exactly help with equal pay gap, gender discrimination etc.

There’s condescending view around judgemental morality of unmarried couples from society as well. We don’t all believe in father Christmas for adults and his rules.

Since we get into case studies here. I’ve been quite blunt at not wanting to get married from 30’s onwards (I’m not playing no hurry card etc.). It offers no guarantees.
Added, that someone could still claim financial support from me after all other aspects of the relationship are over and that all assets are pooled together and then ultimately a judge decides how it is divided up put me off completely.

I don’t want to have the privilege of being able to go out to work, not be involved in childcare, which at the same time builds up an additional debt hanging over me if we ever separate. I’ve made sacrifices earlier in life to provide myself with stability, ability to not worry so much about money later on. These sacrifices wouldn’t be taken into account or repaid. If you’re the higher income earner you effectively replace social security, meaning the state can then shirk their duty if the lower earner was dependent on welfare/benefits. Everything around divorce (and ultimately) marriage is monetised effectively.. monetise child care duties, monetise wage earning.

Fine to judge me as not-romantic (not bothered anymore really), but I’d rather not have a load of really crappy aspects land on me which could ruin the rest of my life as well as dealing with the breakdown of a long term relationship, if it doesn’t work out.

And frankly because of my viewpoint I know I’ll be labelled as an a$$hole, so I’ve just got used to enjoying it anyway.

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D
November 2nd, 2016 at 4:49 AM
And prenups.. errr no thank you. I’m not asking for exceptions, negotiating variations on something I don’t agree with.
nicole
March 3rd, 2017 at 7:11 AM
i agree with you. thank you for sharing

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evey
March 8th, 2017 at 11:37 AM
unfortunately i liked a man who doesnt want to get married. he is 33 y.o and i am 26. no, i cant go on with our relationship. I deserve better.

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P.Renee
March 8th, 2017 at 6:28 PM
Go after your dreams. Don’t waste your life and settle for what you do not want.
Stephanie
February 14th, 2014 at 1:35 PM
It comes down to people not being compatible. I fail to see the logic behind staying with someone who doesn’t want to marry you if you want to marry. Some people can just settle for living together without marriage and children because they are not traditional. Perhaps some men want to wait for the right person.

Everybody seems to need a point or an outcome to a relationship. Relations do not have to lead to marriage or children to be relationships. They can pass like chapters in a book, and onto the next in the story of life.

I myself never wanted children, and do not appreciate the manipulative, self-serving, and controlling aspects of men who convince themselves, independent of me, that I must want to be a housewife with five kids bound and chained to the home. I didn’t want to marry someone who asked me one or two months after meeting out of the blue. I like to participate in the plans of my own life, not have someone else decide for me. There is a reason why I walked out of those relationships, and those men have only themselves to blame.

It is not that I would not marry, but a relationship with someone is not the same as marriage, and these men are perfectly justified in refusing women who are wrong for them. The timing may not be right, the person, the demands, etc. Pushiness and calculations have ways of coming back to haunt people. I am not surprised that female manipulators are not taken down the altar. If the relationship has problems, the act of signing and sealing the deal is counterproductive and the death knell for a lot of relationships.

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Brandy L
September 1st, 2014 at 10:34 PM
I am 20 years old and have been with this guy for three Yeats and we have to kids. Well I’m ready to be married. He asked me to marry him before we had our first child and now he don’t wanna get married. When I try to talk about it he laughs at me and said we are to young?? Three years and two kids come on… I don’t know what to do!!!!Advice please…

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Ambra
September 23rd, 2014 at 3:36 AM
Same situation Brandy.
I have two kids with my 5 years boyfriend. He proposed two years ago but I think I pushed him into it. I’m not wearing anymore his engagement ring ’cause, as I told him, I feel he has been joking me. Anytime, ANYTIME I ask him to set a date or tell him I can’t wait for it he makes out new excuses: It’s because he doesn’t have enough money, it’s because the kids are small, it’s because he’s afraid he’ll upset the people he won’t invite, it’s because he doesn’t have time to make a guest list..and so on.
Last night I could see him writhing when I suggested him to get married in three months,me organizing everything, very small ceremony, a handful of guests,500 bucks worthy. He was as scared as shit. I think he has no balls to tell me he doesn’t want to.
I told him he’s encouraging me to start looking around me.
He’s so hopeless when it comes to this. Maybe we’re bound to split up soon. Maybe it’s not happening ’cause it would be a mistake. A Tibetan proverb says : “Sometimes your biggest fortune is not to get what you want”.

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Shawn H
June 21st, 2016 at 10:07 AM
Leave the sob…hes just stringing you along til your children become of age,so he doesnt have to pay child support! Been here,done this.

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charlene
September 28th, 2014 at 10:10 PM
I don’t know what to do if my boyfriend don’t want to get married. I love him so much. We been living together for two years and 2 months. I want to leave but I can’t I love him.It’s driving me crazy

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yolanda
October 17th, 2014 at 12:27 AM
Charlene, hi I had to let my boyfriend go after 2 years. We agreed to marriage after 2 years of dating. Things were good then we went through a rocky time in our relationship. This is when he went from I want to marry to I not ready to I will be like my dad and never get married again. It was hard for me because I love him I let him go because I love myself and i deserve to be loved and respected I’am a virtuous woman.

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Jules j.
November 24th, 2014 at 12:03 PM
I’m going thru a similar experience my partner dosent want to marry me broke my heart when he told me I’m still hurting now :(

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kerri
October 1st, 2014 at 2:40 PM
I have been with my partner for nearly 6 yrs and we have two boys and my daughter from a previous relationship who has now got his last name before we even got together i told him i wanted marriage and more kids he said he wanted the same after we had our first son he then told me he dont want marrige i thought it would change but now all our kids have his name i brought it up saying i want to have the same name as my kids he then tells me hes not in love with me anymore and now he wants to try work on our relationship even if he would fall back in love with me i dont think he will ever marry me what should i do

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Jules j.
November 18th, 2014 at 3:12 PM
I’ve been with my partner nearly 2 years he proposed to me not long after we met planned our wedding but he called it off cuz of my insecurities he told me tonight that he will never marry me so don’t ask me. how do I deal with that?

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Trisha
November 3rd, 2014 at 2:41 AM
I brought up the fact that I wanted to get married, and my boyfriend’s response? “I’m not in a hurry.” HOWEVER, there have been times, like our vacation to Vegas a few years ago, that he suggested getting married while we were there. He’s sending me mixed messages about whether he wants to get married or not, but he won’t give me a straight answer no matter how many times I try to talk to him. I’d hate to think I’ve wasted 8 years on someone who doesn’t want the same things I want.

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desi
February 13th, 2015 at 4:06 AM
I am in the exact same boat! We should be each others support system. I’m with a man who’s 20 yrs older than me with 3 kids and divorced 5 years ago…I’m a better mom to his kids than his ex because she’s crazy.
We’ve been dating and living together for 3 years now and since 2 years ago he’s been talking about marriage, said where we’d have our wedding, bought a loose diamond for my ring but won’t ever put it in a setting. It’s just collecting dust. He will say small things like “I’m dreaming of you in a white wedding dress” and completely lead me onto thinking it’s happening but he always says “SOON.” Well how long is soon? We just had a fight 2 nights ago because he told me he’s in no rush and gas no need to get married. He doesn’t want me to have any “power” Long story short, our relationship the last few months has just been tense ever since he bought the loose diamond. Marriage is so important to me, my entire life. I’ve never been married and he told me he would never marry again until he met me…Now he’s just harsh and cold about it whereas he used to be sweet and excited. I can’t leave him I love him too much but I don’t know what to do. He should have never married his ex, she’s mean and disgusting and gave him red flags but he did! Now he won’t marry me when he tells me I’m the best he’s had in his entire life? We have intimacy every single day. What man wouldn’t marry along with how much I do for him and his kids? :'(

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liz
November 8th, 2014 at 12:36 PM
5yrs together going on 6. A 4yr old. We share finances, we have insurance together, our whole life we have everything together, but we aren’t married. We are even looking for a house! We have talked about marriage but the answer I get is “soon”. It’s been 5yrs! Apparently he wants our life to be ready financially and have the security of a house before we get married and have another child (which I respect apparently). But what if we never get the house? Will we never get married? Our whole relationship has always been backwards since we started living together almost immediately. But most couples live together, get married, get the house then have a child. I love my family and I would never leave because of this but how long do I need to wait for?

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Athena
November 11th, 2014 at 2:01 PM
Why do you need to get married? Be your own person and live your own life. What do you think will be added to your life or the lives of your children by getting married? Do you think he’ll love you more? Do you think he’ll behave more responsibly towards you financially or otherwise? No. Being married adds nothing to your relationship and only means that he will now have a legal right to take your children away from you if he wins custody. And if you don’t have children and are more finacially successful than him he will have the right to sue you for support if he doesn’t feel like working. Marriage isn’t what it used to be. When I got married I thought it would protect my self and my children. Wrongo. He will have even more control over you if you marry him and trust me, that doesn’t add anything to your life. In the words of Billy Holiday: God bless the child that has her own; she don’t worry about nothing.

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emma
January 6th, 2019 at 6:51 AM
I agree with the stupid expence status of weddings that puts stress on newly wedded couple ,,,spend half your life paying it back. BUT marriage also does have its benefits … But it depends on how old fashioned u both r . In my eyes i still expect HIM to pay the bill at cafe ….Lol and see me right , get me what i need. Yet we are not legaly bound … And have 3 children going into 9 years …..It feels like we r married. As i have allowed 3 children with him , my intent must have been to become his wife at somepoint.

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Anne
January 6th, 2019 at 10:32 AM
I wonder if i understand what you mean about being old fashioned in your post as if you mean wanting to be treated like a woman, expecting some romantic gestures (this should be a mutual endeavour) – I am with you. When it comes to a man being the sole provider, I would struggle with it. It maybe one of the reason why i personally feel strongly against marriage. Life is a curious thing that throws in the unexpected and the phrase never say never springs up more often that I would imagine possible. A friend just got divorced after 45 years of marriage, for example. They never ever considered that a thing like that could happen. Because of that I think it should be a mandatory prenuptials training session on what can happen in case of a marriage breakdown, so the decision to tie the knot is an informed one and not as it is often the case made by two completely clueless people. Clueless as to the potential consequences of a relationship breaking down. The reason Im saying this is because i’ve just seen yet another example of why people avoid marriage more and more. A friend got divorced over 10 years ago. The wife, who has never worked a day in her life got the house, a business my friend built and a money settlement. 10 years passed and she blew everything. The company is gone, all money spent and shes up to her ears in debt. And the bloody justice systems tells my friend that he needs to pay her a monthly alimony. Marriage is great if it works out. You can never predict the future. You can never say you will never split from your partner. Do not expect you will, have hope. But if you’re so sure of you two being made to be together forever and ever… why legal clauses? There are lots of ways to ensure that the future of kids and inheritance is sorted instead of signing up to the system which meeds reforms pronto.
Jade C.
November 19th, 2014 at 3:39 AM
My fiancé won’t marry me until I become tidy. I’m a bit messy. He blames me for his illness. Been together I’ve 12 years.

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N Grace
November 25th, 2014 at 5:58 AM
I asked my boyfriend about marriage last night and he said he’s never getting married and if that’s what I want then I should find someone else. I had to lie to him and tell him its not what I want. I love this guy but when we first got together he wanted marriage. He’s changed completely in that length of time, he never even says I love you anymore. What should I do? I’m hurting but I have to lie to him and say I’m not, only because he said he doesn’t care anymore.

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Veronica
January 5th, 2015 at 2:23 AM
Hey grace my best answer ditch this guy he is a player and he wants to sleep around he is a conquest man he has taken you and he wants to dump basically dump him and throw him out with the rubbish where he belongs

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Cassie B
November 27th, 2014 at 4:55 AM
Hi everyone, its overwhelming to see all your comments, and im happy that im not alone. I have been with this guy for 7 years and we have 2 kids, he was so eager to marry me when we are in our early stages of the relationship, and now he just doesnt want to anymore, he keeps telling me its only a paper blah blah. change is constant and he’s probably not the same person ive loved and met 7 years ago, maybe we werent right for each other anymore? Honestly im starting to lose interest, i dont know,

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Tori
January 17th, 2015 at 11:39 AM
Marriage is so much more then a piece of paper. I really believe that when people claim that’s all it is, they are either misinformed of the seriousness of building a life with someone without the relationship being legally recognized in the eyes of the law, OR, they do know the significance and they are minimizing marriage for other reasons.
I would have preferred to never marry again, but the person I’m seeing wanted a serious relationship with me. Now that I know that never included marriage, I believe what they wanted was for me to move in, have me be tied down, full commitment from me, have all of me, all without the legal protections that those who truly love their significant other would INSIST being in place. The exception of course, is that some people really do not give much thought to what happens in an emergency, or if one gets sick, or wanting to protect their supposed loved one. Marriage is so much more then a piece of paper and I believe that even if two people think the relationship may not work out, get a prenup, (get one no matter what actually) prepare for the worst, but make sure that if building a life together, that protections are in place.

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neovalys g.
December 16th, 2014 at 5:10 PM
Iv been with My boyfriend forma almost a year i know its linda early to be asking him about marrage but next month Will be oír annaversary and i asked him if he want to get married when HeS older and he said no he dont he said that its stupid …. But i want to get married cause i really love him and im trying to talk him into it but i dont want to pressure himi want him to want to get married what should i do plz someone tell me why he dont really want to get married …..? HELP

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WifeWithout'aHusband
January 2nd, 2015 at 3:48 PM
I have been in a relationship for nearly 2 decades with my first love, my only boyfriend and the father of our two children. Granted when we began this journey we were much too young, we had a lot of growing up and living to do, but after all this time he refuses to marry me, saying that he just doesn’t see the point. While I never really needed in the past, I can’t imagine not getting married. I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t want to call me his wife. I’m hurt and confused and I don’t know if I need help to learn to accept this or to move on. I’m lost.

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Tori
January 17th, 2015 at 11:26 AM
Wifewithoutahusband:
If you ever need someone to talk to or process feelings with, feel free to contact me. I am in a similar situation, and I am anxious to put this issue to rest for myself, hurt creeps in on a regular basis now. I am trying to do the right thing for myself and I’m not sure that being with someone who wouldn’t be honored to call me their wife, is the right thing for me. It’s really hard because the relationship (was) really special and this issue has tainted it. Perhaps we can be of support to one another.

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jlynn
January 26th, 2015 at 8:57 AM
I’m in the same boat..I don’t want to be with someone for the next 20 years and find out he didn’t really love me
Whispers
February 6th, 2015 at 12:53 PM
Starting to see I’m not the only one in this situation… don’t really know what to do, I can’t seem to just ‘get over it’ I feel resentful and hurt comes out in other ways… lost
WifeWithour'aHusband
February 14th, 2015 at 6:00 PM
Hi Tori,

I had never published anything on such a blog. I didn’t know what to expect. I almost forgot about it, but of course on a day like today I can’t help but feel sad. Even though I’m not alone I feel incomplete. Thanks for reading, listening and taking the time to respond.
Tori
April 8th, 2015 at 9:32 PM
I couldn’t remember how to get back to this site. So glad I found it again
Donna
November 16th, 2023 at 9:53 AM
My dad wants me to get married because they feel I’m living in sin if I’m not! In the Bible, a marriage consists of a man and woman joined in a sexual relationship which joins them as one flesh, you have your vows with each other and the parents approve! My parents think of the new days rather than how the Bible displays marriage. I love my boyfriend and he loves me but he was married for 14 years and got divorced and now is afraid which I understand! I really do not have to be married with a paper but do want to live with what God desires. I do not know how to deal with this issue. My mom supports me now but my dad does not.
wifewithoutthering
March 10th, 2015 at 12:56 AM
My guy is my best friend, we’ve been together for almost 6 years, we’re 25 and 26. We have 2 beautiful children, I love his family, we love each other dearly, he calls me his wife. We got a ring a few months ago, but I have yet to see it, or a proposal. I don’t ever want to leave, but I’m wondering what the hold up is. He’s always said he was against marriage, but I figured he would change his views for me. I swear he’s just trying to throw me off or something. He’s talked about how much he loves weddings, and when I talk about our wedding, he doesn’t stop me. I have no doubt he’s the love of my life, but its almost insulting, and very confusing.

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wifewithoutthering
March 10th, 2015 at 1:04 AM
I want to add, that my father in law passed away suddenly 6 months ago. Him and my mil had never married and it left her in a tight situation legally. She had to get a lawyer to keep her house. We’ve talked about the importance have having the medical advocacy. I don’t speak to my family, so I wouldn’t want them to get any legal advantage over the person who really should be making the choices for me and our children should the need come.
Its so enlightening to see other women going through similar situations!
WifeWithOut'aHusband
April 3rd, 2015 at 12:09 PM
I’m not sure why some people, me being one of those people, allow themselves to be in a relationship for years and years knowing, or feeling like that there’s something missing. We live one life without any guarantees on how long, yet we’ll live unhappy, or less than. I think it has to do with pain that we saw growing, which now normalizes the pain that we’re currently. Except that it shouldn’t be that way. Yes, pain is apart of life, but if you’re experiencing more sadness than happiness with a particular situation it’s just not the right situation.

It’s harder when a family is involved. It’s harder when he’s a good guy, but the fact still remains that I’m not getting what I want. What I need!
emma
January 6th, 2019 at 6:37 AM
I have been with my man coming into 9 years ….And we were engaged after the 4 months of dating ( but i knew him as friend before) a year later i got pregnant with child no1. ( got 3 ) we kinda never got a date set and stuck to it. And also between having kids there never seemed time .. Or are these just exuses?? i mean subsconssiously we must want to be together bcos why else .. Have we allowed 3 kids …. ( he is very strong about birth control, wont use nothing ) so to me thats OLD FASHIONED treated as the wife ….. Am 40 this year and he is 33 so its not as if we are too young . Think we have just become too casual about it. Maybe its time to have the good old wedding conversation – oh dear taboo subject LOL

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Veronica
January 5th, 2015 at 2:20 AM
Hey I’m in the same situation my boyfriend doesn’t want to marry me or get married he doesn’t we have been together for 5 years i have a child from my previous marriage who is twelve and he wants to be stepdad to her I’m
Not happy he had to been working for 3 years and hasn’t looked for a job due to mental health issues we have been staying with his patents I can’t stand his mum the old witch does not like me and made my life he’ll. I don’t know what to do my priority is to bring up my daughter as her dad us incapable of doing so what should I do about my partner

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Confused
April 13th, 2015 at 3:26 PM
That’s a rough one! Is he good with your child? That is very important since the bio dad is Mia so to speak. I wouldn’t support a man.. No way! I hope he’s getting some type of disability money. As for the mean mom, I feel for ya.. My BOYFRIEND’S (yeah.. Bf / not husband) mother and sister do not like me .. For no reason.. SCREW THEM!!

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jlynn
January 26th, 2015 at 8:48 AM
I am 38 and my boyfriend is 52 and we have been together for 7 years..I want to get married and have told him that..he says he will never get married again and when I ask him why he says he doesn’t know .. I love him and I don’t want to leave him but marriage is important to me.. the problem is if I leave him I don’t know if I will ever love someone like that again to make me ever want to marry them ..I bring up marriage to him almost everyday because that’s all I want to do is marry him..I’m not obsessed with marriage but I do want to know that the man I’m with loves me the same way I love him and if he does you would think he would want to marry me ..I’m have told him that I will leave in 2 years if we are not married and he said if I do he would understand..how can someone that loves someone let someone leave instead of marrying them?

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PRenee
December 7th, 2016 at 7:21 AM
OMG, I have the same problem. They say “I will understand if you have to leave”. That translates to “I really don’t care about you” in my mind. I’m leaving in August of this coming year. My house will be available and I sure hope that after I’ve left he is just as “understanding”. LOL

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Anna
April 30th, 2017 at 4:15 AM
I am a woman in her late 30s. I was married before and no matter how I try, it seems I would have still be in a happy relationship, if we hadn’t married. I guess the fact that we signed the paper that said we belong to each othe caused the relationship fall to pices. Why? Because from the next day he took it for granted that no matter what, I would always be there. 8 years later we separated. I am now in a relationship with a wonderful man. He’s everything I could ever hope to find in a man, and we have been together for a few years. I want to spend the rest of my life with him; my son loves him. The problem is that he’s more and more bent on marriage, and I do not want to ever make the same mistake again. There’s no way I can change it; perhaps my ex was not the right person, perhaps it was not the right time. Those argument fall flat because regardless of them the fact remains that being married was a torture for many years. Never did I feel so alone and stuck in my life. Moreover, although all breakups are bad, there is a considerable difference between being and not beinv married. When you break up without being married, you can start to heal quickly. You can try to process the grief early on. But youre denied this right if you’re married. Where I live, you get 2 to 5 years of separation, your life hanging suspended, where your relationship is neither ended or ongoing. It’t cruel. This experience made me pledge to myself I would never marry again. I am an optimist; I believe and have faith jn our future together. I tried to explain to my guy that my not wanting to get married is not rejecting him; it’s rejecting institution. But if he insists, or if he can’t accept being with me in a committed relationship albeit without paperwork, I’ll have to let him go and seek what he needs elsewhere. It will break my heart but will also mean that it’s not the relationship he’s after. He’s after convention. He never could explajn to me how marriage would change what we have now. So perhaps I could ask all the people here who are desperate to get married- why? What is it, other financial and legal security do you need marriage so much? Why having a good loving committed relationship where you’re happy, is not enough if you don’t put a ring on it?

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Prenee
April 30th, 2017 at 8:17 AM
Marriage is a public declaration of love which can be shared by all. A gift that is not materialistic, but instead a heartfelt commitment of trust forever, no matter what happens.
Anna
May 13th, 2017 at 4:00 AM
Believe me I am not trying to be antagonistric or adversarial but if getting married/wedding is a not materialistic declaration of love and commitment, why not go for Commitment Ceremony instead? It ticks all the boxes you mentioned without the legal and financial implication that a marriage has?
Lauren
July 23rd, 2019 at 12:58 PM
I am not desperate to get married. I am not after financial benefits in marriage because actually staying single probably benefits me more (goverment benefits due to my disability). I like the legal benefits however because I if my partner dies then how am I protected? Above all though I am an old fashioned traditional type woman and so the idea of a long term relationship without marriage doesnt jive with me very well.
Kelly J.
August 1st, 2017 at 4:18 PM
Trying to reply to a blog?

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upstate mom
February 2nd, 2015 at 10:23 AM
Same boat. I have two children from my previous marriage that my SO is raising. Im currently expecting our 2nd child together, 4 kids total. We have a house together, a life together, a family together. Seems logical to get married. He even proposed 6 months ago. Now he refuses to tie the knot. Says asking me was a huge mistake. We’ve both been divorced once, so I think he’s scared of it happening again.I feel like he’s telling me I’m not good enough to make a lifelong commitment to. Or protect our investments for me and the kids if he were to meet an early demise or vise versa.

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Whispers
February 6th, 2015 at 1:00 PM
Valentines is hard, if any of you are like me your wonder if boyfriends have a secret plan to propose then get completely heart broken and empty when they don’t then feel stupid… do it every year now! Try to convince myself he’s just ‘throwing me of the scent’ Then end up feeling absolutely stupid and disappointed. )’: could use a friend or just someone who understands.

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jlynn
February 6th, 2015 at 7:36 PM
I know what you mean.. I keep wondering if he will ever care how much being married means to mean and surprise me on Valentine’s day.. I’m even like that when we go on vacation like Vegas or a cruise.. I’m always disappointed after that he doesn’t and he thinks I’m depressed because vacation is ending .. yes Valentine’s Day is really depressing for me as well

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jlynn
February 6th, 2015 at 7:37 PM
*means to me…(sorry typo)
jlynn
February 15th, 2015 at 4:31 AM
Well at least we made it through another depressing Valentine’s Day
martina
April 13th, 2015 at 2:36 AM
join the club I do it every occasion xmas birthday nd valentines all because he told me someday he would want to but not sure when

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Frustrated
February 18th, 2015 at 3:43 PM
Wow, in a way its helpful to see I’m not the only one struggling with this. My partner (beginning to despise that eorf as husband would be nicer) and I have both been married before. We are very much in love and have been living together now for over a year. We almost never argue and have a fantastic relationship except for the fact he doesn’t want to get married. He admits its because his last one failed and he doesn’t see the point. I on the other hand am old fashioned and believe if you really love someone and want to be together forever you make the commitment and leap of faith and marry. I feel like if it was good enough for him to marry before maybe I’m not worthy enough. It is making me sad and its becoming a problem. We have discussed it rationally but we can’t agree on this one. He said if it means so much to me he guesses he will have to, to make me happy. What he doesn’t understand is I DONT want him to “have to”, if he doesn’t “Want” too then its tainted. I love him so much and want to proudly call him my husband. I’m worried this may become a bigger issue the longer it continues. Funny thing is my last two long term relationships were the opposite. They wanted marriage but I didn’t. I knew it wasn’t “the right one”. I know my partner is ” the one” I just would love to seal the deal. I’ve offered eloping and a prenup but its still a no. 😢

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Reddaisy
March 28th, 2015 at 10:50 PM
EXactly….how i feel :-( i dont understand him(boyfriend of 6 yrs!)…hes been in two bad marriages…his ex’s were psycho’s and were abusive. Im very big hearted…i blew it up today( i btl my stuff in) i thought for sure he’d b comingover tonite mad. He wasnt. Very sad. I know he loves me, right?why am i not good enough for him to marry?? He has 3 older kids…his youngest is a sr.—ive got 4 ranging frm 6,13,14,15 and hes truely happy when hes w/us! Hes not like that at his home and w/his kids…his mom also lives w/him too. Idk i put myself down, obviously! I am pretty andnice to pp and genuine.

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PRenee
December 7th, 2016 at 7:28 AM
I think you just answered the question for most everyone about why the man does not want to get married. You stated that you were in two long term relationships and your partners both wanted to get married but you didn’t because you knew that weren’t the “right” one. That means that you were comfortable enough to stay with them but not comfortable enough to marry. So now you are in a different relationship and the tables are turned. The man is comfortable and you know he is “right” for you. But, does he think you are “right’ for him? Even if he does not think you are “right” he is comfortable enough to stay with you. Seems like the majority of us on this site have this situation going on, so the burden of the decision to stay or go is on us. Are you okay with him being comfortable and you not getting what you want? This is the question we all have to answer.

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Polly
December 7th, 2016 at 2:54 PM
7.5 years and I am still the girlfriend. I’m leaving on 23/12, booked my hotel today and I cannot wait to wipe the smug smile off my soon to be ex-bf. There comes a point where love turns into hate when someone who I’d previously have done anything for won’t do one simple thing for me. Merry Christmas everyone!
Kyle
December 17th, 2016 at 10:20 AM
Marrying is not any simple thing or choice. It is a very complicated decision, as it is a decision that can destroy a person’s life if it goes south. It is also absurd to demand a person to marry you as it has nothing to do with love.
jlynn
February 20th, 2015 at 4:10 PM
I offered the prenup too and he still said no..we have a great relationship as well but he says he just don’t want to and don’t know why..we have both been married before as well and I struggle with the same thing: what made her good enough to marry and not me” I was raised by a grandfather that always told me if a man don’t want to marry you than he don’t love you..I hope I don’t waste a lifetime with someone and find out he doesn’t love me..he honestly acts like he does but I just don’t get why he doesn’t want to get married.. I can’t imagine being in love this much with someone else but I can’t just can’t stop feeling pain everytime I hear about someone I know getting married..

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martina
April 13th, 2015 at 2:33 AM
I too ave been with my boyfriend for 7 years I have 3 teenage children that he gets on fine with he says he loves me but doesn’t want to live together till they’re older im 41 nd hes 53 can’t even get him to go on a family holiday ….. In every way he’s a brilliant man would do anything more you except commit

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not to old
February 26th, 2015 at 3:12 PM
Hi everyone..how are you! My heart goes out to all of you!If only you could determine..if you both want marriage…and its a goal for the relationship..from the very beginning.
I have been in a relationship 6 years 5 months with my boyfriend…we have grown together..loved and helped each other..I have given him my heart..in a way I have never given it to anyone.I want marriage..now he doesn’t.He has been married before..and has a daughter..who I just adore too!My heart has been heavy over this…yet if I look deeper at our relationship…maybe I’d find..its run its course..it was for a time..a reason..a season…No matter what..if a man really loves you..he will want to please you in this way…he won’t want to lose you..or see you in the arms of another.Yes..some men have been hurt in divorce before..and are scared..then some want all the benefits of a loving..good relationship without the commitments..and yet again..everyone has to decide what they think on getting married or not!..in reality..we the ones who would lime marriage end up sacrificing what we want(marriage) for what the ones who don’t believw in marriage want!…yet I have loved my man very much..he is the best of men..a great man with a huge heart!….still..can you stay..feeling he won’t commit to you..the way you would commit to him…only time will tell..pray to God for strength and answers..Jesus says..Come to me all who labor and are heavy burdened..and I will give you rest.One day ..there will be a “marriage”.. known as ” the bridegroom and the bride”..that takes place when Christ returns to this earth..and through believing in him…and receiving salvation and forgiveness through his name…we are invited to the marriage supper if the lamb if God..who takes away..the sins of the world…that’s one day..I want to get ready for and not miss

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jlynn
February 27th, 2015 at 7:45 PM
It’s really hard to accept that the man you love with all your heart acts like he loves you and would do anything for you except marry you…I’m so heartbroken but I don’t know if I can walk away and not have him in my life..even though I am heartbroken walking away would rip it to shreds… unfortunately I just found out a couple days ago my brother is getting married and I have been majorly depressed and even bitter(not toward him or my boyfriend) and it’s causing tension with our relationship..I honestly am afraid he’s going to get tired of my depression and my want for marriage that he is going to be the one that ends our relationship… I’m so lost..

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L. C. P
March 16th, 2015 at 10:36 PM
You absolutely shouldn’t be scared of him leaving you bc your depressed!! If he really loves you he should stand by you and absolutely wouldn’t do such a thing! Did you talk to him? Ask him how he feels towards your “wanting a marriage” talks
alicia
March 17th, 2015 at 1:53 PM
I get the same reply! What’s the hurry or I’m just not ready. SIGH
jlynn
March 17th, 2015 at 8:15 PM
Yea I have talked to him and told him I’m sick and depressed over this but he says there is nothing he can do because he doesn’t want to ever get married and it’s not because he doesn’t love me.. my problem still remains if I leave him I’m hurt and if he never marries me I will be left wondering why and if he really ever loved me at all..he sure acts like he does but one thing is if he let’s me walk out on him knowing that the reason I am is because he won’t committ did he really ever love me?
Anna
May 14th, 2017 at 1:25 AM
Ladies, I’m looking at it from the other point of you. I am the woman who doesn’t want to get married whilst the man I love with all my heart keeps pressing to tie the not. The more they press, the more this becomes an impossible thing for me to do. It’s like being given ultimatum, people hate this and if they give in, that’s exactly what they do. They have given in and will probably resent you deep in their hearts for a long time if not forever. These sre very dangerous splinters to carry in you. I had an opportunity to watch quite a lot of people over the years, and it never fails to amaze me that in situations like this, where one person wants marriage, the other doesnt, the usual argument that comes up is ‘you don’t want to commit’ or ‘marriage is the ultimum commitment’. But, it is the person who is talking about this commitment is usually the one who throws in the towel just because the other person doesnt want to get married! Have you discussed why you want/don’t want to get married? Have you really listened? Have you managed to put your emotions away for a minute and listen to what the other person is saying? If not, you’ll close your mind as ‘i don’t want to get married’ will translate to i dont love you or I don’t want to be wiyh you, which more often than not is not the case! Everyone has their fears. Everyone is shaped by their unique experieces. Have you ever tried to look at things from your partner’s point if you? Or are you only looking at your wants and needs? Relationship is knowing your partner’s soul, knowing who they are and how they are. Many things need to be negotiated and compromised. Talk. Find out. If by any chance insecurity is leading your hand, address it first. Then look at your relationship with new eyes. Sorry if i am preaching, but it makes my heart ache to see so many people stuck in this circle. As I said, I’m in the same situation albeit reversed and try to understand where the obssession in my partner came from. We’re working though it and it seems that the urge comes from outside -family and friends. These things are so difficult
Marie F.
March 2nd, 2015 at 8:22 PM
I’m 47 and partner is 57, been together for 2+ years and living together for more than a year. He has called me his wife for over a year and intermittently says things like we should be married by now and he wishes I was his wife. Expected proposal at Christmas and Valentine’s Day-got nothing. Says now we need to wait until he can afford the ring he wants to buy me. I said it’s not about a ring, it’s the relationship. Income over 180000 so it’s not that we can’t afford it. Feel like I’m being strung along. So glad to see I’m not the only one! Love him so much but starting to feel resentful and afraid this one issue is the beginning of the end

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Eren
March 11th, 2015 at 4:49 PM
I’m so heartbroken because in 2013 we where supposed to get married he bought me my dress my shoes well everything, we had to postpone to dec 2013 the wedding because my 5 m bb got very sick of Bronchitis so I couldn’t dis attend her. So dec came and no more planning the wedding conversation until 2014 and finally we talked about dec of last yr that he would like get marryed in May 15 2015. Yesterday I mention the wedding and said that was “a stage that we’ve already pass by to” mmm that why can’t I be independent that he doesn’t believe in Marrige ” I’m like wtf?? Need help here

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sad
March 11th, 2015 at 5:58 PM
Dont even know what to think anymore. I am a 51 year old widow, bf is 53, divorced, and went through a horrible and expensive split with first wife. We have been living together for over 2 years. He says I am the love of his life. Says he dont want to marry ever again. (Though I am “the love of his life”) says he couldn’t love me more if i had a ring. Supposedly wants to grow old with me.I love him dearly. I Cook, clean, laundry, etc..but…I am old fashioned. I feel he gets all the husband benefits without the title. He says I made his house a home. It had been made clear, what was his before we got together remains his, and his adult sons will inherit all. I have no problem with that. But I feel i am living in limbo. I know he does love me, but cant help feeling like a convienient housekeeper and built in piece of a@$, so we will never marry, but could a ring, showing commitment, and Mother Men that I am “suponen for”

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L. C. P
March 16th, 2015 at 10:33 PM
You should talk to him. Your situation is very clear and if that’s what you think you deserve you should say what you feel.

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L. C. P
March 16th, 2015 at 10:32 PM
Hello everyone,
So I’ve been dating for 3+yrs now and we are surely in love and our relationship couldn’t be better. He’s the best boyfriend in the world.
The MAJOR problem is that even so we are happy and he would certainly be a very good father he says he never ever wants to get married or have kids.
I’m sure I found a wonderful man but what can I do?

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jlynn
March 23rd, 2015 at 9:33 AM
If you want kids get out now..I think your want for marriage and kids will never go away..I’ve seen situations where the woman became to old to have kids and than her boyfriend ended up leaving her and had kids and married someone else.

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Alicia
March 17th, 2015 at 5:55 AM
Wow, I have read all of the comments.This made me realize that I’m not the only one struggling with the thought of marriage. My fiance and I are at a road block with this. He purposed to me almost 2 years ago next month and we have been together now for several years. We have a 1 year old daughter together. Marriage and commitment is important to me, but something has changed since his divorce and gaining custody of his two children from his previous marriage. I have been married before myself and I was heartbroken when it came to an end, but my ex and I have a civil relationship where his is a constant battle and they can’t get along. We are good together and our family has blended together nicely. Everyone loves each other and it’s like we are meant to be united. What I cant handle is the thought he asked me to marry him two years ago before having out daughter and his two children started living with us full-time. We have everything pretty much joint now, so the only thing left to complete us is marriage. When it comes up it turns into a huge fight. He can’t even talk about it with me. I just don’t understand what changed and every time I try to walk away he tells me he is sorry and what’s the hurry. This makes me sad and angry! I feel as though my only role will ever be is a girlfriend and a mother because he isn’t ready.

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Paul
March 18th, 2015 at 9:50 PM
Hi,

I proposed to my former girlfriend last night and she said to that she cant give me an answer, she told me that she was surprised and she didn’t think that i’m gonna do the proposal thing. we have an incoming 2 year old son this coming april, and there were both living together. any advise please, coz im totally wondering why she did not give me an answer. Thak You

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jlynn
March 20th, 2015 at 8:16 AM
How old are you? Have you or her been married before? Do you argue or break up alot? These all can be factors in not wanting to get married…in my situation we have both been married and divorced to other people but we get along great but he said he will never marry me but don’t know why..have you asked her why?

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meghan
March 22nd, 2015 at 10:56 AM
I have been date this guy for 3 years he ask me to marry him I say yes then I book the venue bought my wedding dress and had the date pick out then he got cold feet and cancel everything we still live together I give up my whole life and move to a new place for him. I left my family and friends behind to be with him he won’t commit to me and I feel stuck.

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jlynn
March 23rd, 2015 at 9:27 AM
I don’t think going backwards in a relationship ever works out for the couple..if he asked you to marry him and now he wants to drop the relationship status I wouldn’t let him..I would tell him you expect to have a date set soon..unfortunately for me I can’t even get mine to ask me..

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Paul
March 23rd, 2015 at 8:35 AM
Hi jlynn,

I am 30 years old, we both havent been married before. we just take a break once, upto now. Yes i asked her why, and still i didnt recieve any answer. The exact answer statement that she told me was “I dont have any answer, It’s not a yes and It’s not a no”

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jlynn
March 24th, 2015 at 7:51 PM
I know how you feel.. I am 38 and my boyfriend is 52 ..we have both been married before though..when I ask him why he don’t want to get married again he says “I don’t know why” he has told me it’s not me he just never wants to do it again..it makes me upset to know that he would let me walk away than marry me..

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jlynn
March 24th, 2015 at 10:20 PM
*we were both married before to different people not to each other
An Orange
March 29th, 2015 at 7:31 PM
I have a similar situation, my partner and I living together for 6 years and 7 years in relationship.
Every time I asked him about commitment he always walk away and laughed at me.
Last time we had big argument because if his 20 years old daughter from private married who act like a 2 year girl as always, clearly his daughter comes first. I wanted to move on but I love him, I don’t know how can I going with this.
I’m 29 this year and he’s 54. I never married but he has twice with same lady which is his EX that there devised 19-20 years ago.

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jlynn
March 30th, 2015 at 7:54 PM
I don’t know what to do either..if I leave I’m going to be hurt and if I stay I’m going to be hurt knowing that he don’t want to marry me and won’t even tell me why..I would leave if I thought it would make him change his mind and see that he’s going to lose me for good if he doesn’t committ.. but what if he doesn’t come after me? Could I live with the decision I made to walk away?

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sarah
March 30th, 2015 at 7:20 AM
I’ve been with this guy for seven years, he asked me to marry him almost 5 years ago and still no date set. It feels like he will never set a date. We have 2 children and I’m to the point of leaving. Marry me or let me go!

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laeive
March 30th, 2015 at 5:49 PM
Hello. So me and my boy friend have been dating 3.5 years now. We have 2 kids a 1 year old and 2 year old.I’m American and he is african my mom is a respectful Christian and bugs us always about being married and living under the same roof with the kids. I don’t won’t to be a bad example for my kids on the Godly way… he never wants to talk about commitment he just says over and over that he loves me and would nt be here of he didnt. He so disconnected from me an the kids and only wants to do things with us when it’s convenient for him. I am at the point of no return because I feel like I’m wasting my time.. I have prayed but no change so is it really time for me to change? And if so how?

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kimberly
May 7th, 2015 at 1:17 PM
Leave him. He’s never going to change. He’s only there cause its convenient

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Marte
April 2nd, 2015 at 7:13 AM
Me and my bf have been together for 9 years. Both of us didn’t want to rush into anything as we were both young so marriage and kids were never an option. However now we are getting to a point in our lives were I’m 26 and he is 29, near graduation and about to start our life’s together. We have conversations,, about our future a lot even marriage, but the way he talks about its years away.

For April fools he thought it would be funny to announce our engagement on Facebook and it hit a nerve. I brought it up suggesting perhaps we should get engaged. He said it wasn’t the right time to talk about it and that he made a mistake and shut the conversation down.

I just feel lost and that for him it will never be the right time.

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jlynn
April 4th, 2015 at 8:34 AM
Sorry he did that to you when he knew how much you wanted marriage.. my boyfriend knows better than do that to me

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TrakeM
April 2nd, 2015 at 12:55 PM
The numbers just don’t add up.

Generally when a woman is just out looking for love and not a long term investment, she’ll pick a cocky jerk and sleep with him within a few dates if not sooner. If a woman is looking for a long term investment she will pick a gentleman with a nice career and not sleep with him for some time. The statistics on love back this up. Women sleep with a man they are cohabiting with the most, followed by boyfriends with husbands being loved the least. 75% of divorces are initiated by the wife. Men are generally taken to the cleaners in divorce courts in a way that cannot be done by anyone who cares. All of these observations/facts agree with each other and show that as a general rule women don’t love their husbands.

Some of you take a very my way or the highway kind of mercenary approach consistent with the data. Those here with this approach say it works. I wouldn’t be surprised. Many men are too stupid to realize that if women aren’t sleeping with him it’s because they don’t love him. Many men are too stupid to realize that if a woman wants to marry, she probably doesn’t love him.

Many here are saying that you love your man and want to marry him. I’m sure there are cases like this but the data suggest it’s the exception to the rule not the rule. Something doesn’t add up, and I’m not sure what. I will rack my brains on this for a while and see what I can come up with.

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jlynn
April 4th, 2015 at 8:32 AM
I don’t agree with the fact that if a woman wants to marry a man she doesn’t love him..makes no sense…nor do I agree with the fact that it’s the woman’s fault for divorce more than the men’s..I’m fact I disagree with most of what you say..especially when I work with more men then women and hear how they brag about cheating on their wives all day and how stupid their wife is that they don’t know it..it’s a sad future for our children when more and more men refuse to committ and are setting bad examples for the future generations..

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sassybitch
April 4th, 2015 at 8:15 AM
I totally believe that if a man loves his woman and wants a future with her and sees her as his wife than he’ll pop the question after a year or two. If after at least two years he hasn’t than he doesn’t love you enough to want to make such a commitment to you. I’m telling you the truth ladies so don’t waste a other year on a guy that doesn’t love you and want to pop question after 2 years. You should find a guy that has no dought after 2 years and one that knows he loves you to death and can’t live without you and wants to be you’re husband. Theres alot of romantic loving men out there that day dream about marriage just as much as us women do. Women that want marriage and don’t want to settle with just dating need to dump their looser bf and find thos romantic type of guy. Wtf wud any woman wait longer than 3 years for a ring! Get the clue that after 3 years he doesn’t love you enough so don’t settle for a man that don’t love you. So many women hold on and on hoping this will be the year smh… you’re not getting any younger

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Lizzie s
April 5th, 2015 at 12:19 AM
I’ve been with my partner now for 13 years, he asked me to married him after 6 months of meeting… I wasn’t ready then- fast forward to Christmas 2014, we booked a holiday and he said about getting married there… I was delighted as was our two children- I’ve booked everything for the wedding, now to be told we are rushing into it- he doesn’t want to get married, what do I do the weddings in 7 weeks… I’m completely heartbroken :(

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Confused
April 5th, 2015 at 9:35 PM
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. We have a great relationship and never had a fight. We do not live together because my daughter is a junior in HS and I don’t want to move her at this point. Our plan is to move in together once she graduates. We have both been married once before. I’m 50 and he’s 54. He had a very expensive breakup and this is the main reason that he doesn’t want to marry again. I always thought that I didn’t want to either but I didn’t think I would meet someone I love like I do him. I am hurt that he doesn’t want to marry me. I feel rejected. At this point I don’t think i will sell my house and move in with him when the time comes. Just like others have said.. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. I love this man but I am unsure of our future at this point. Being 50 and saying “my boyfriend” is starting to turn me off.. help.. What do I do??? I need advise!!

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jlynn
April 6th, 2015 at 10:33 PM
I feel the same way about calling him “my boyfriend” ..feels like I’m in high school..we have been together 7 years and I can’t understand why he doesn’t want to commit when he is always telling me how much he loves me..

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Confused
April 13th, 2015 at 3:20 PM
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this after 7 years. I guess it’s up to us whether to stay. We discussed it again this weekend and I told him at this point even if he asked me to marry him, I wouldn’t feel it was sincere, I don’t know…
jlynn
April 13th, 2015 at 9:34 PM
I know it’s so hard..I really love him but I don’t think he will ever want to marry me..I told him last night I will never get over wanting to get married and all he said is “I know”…I’m so confused on what to do..I finally found a man that I truly love and he don’t want to marry me…
amy
April 21st, 2015 at 10:25 AM
I’m on the same boat. I’m 31 and my bf is 40. He’s divorced. We’ve been together for 4 years …..bought a house together 3 years ago…He treats my son as if he’s his own and I the same to his 2 girls. But he doesn’t want to get married again. He says he doesn’t believe in it and a piece of paper changes nothing. I’ve never been married. I love my bf so much. He couldn’t be any more perfect for me. And it bothers me so much that he doesn’t want to get married ever.
truelove
April 12th, 2015 at 10:45 PM
Please people don’t stay in these relationships.Why get married when you’re continuing to function and go on as a couple. I left my 4 year relationship for the very same reason and now happily engaged after dating someone new for 6 months. Leave! If they love you they will make every effort to get you back and make you happy including marriage. If not you will know they never planned on marrying you in the first place.

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Jess
April 20th, 2015 at 5:04 AM
HELP, I moved to another city to be with my boyfriend of 8 years as my living arrangements changed so we thought it would be a good idea for me to move. He has been wonderful however as of yet we don’t live together. He does stay over and we see each other neally everyday. We have grown up together our love is amazing however I’m missing home and my pets a lot when the days I don’t see him I start to freak out and say I want to go home. Recently I’ve had a rough time finding work and I called my mum, she wants me to come home but on the condition I never speak to my bf again. I have spoken to my bf who wants me to stay but also wants me to be happy. He said if I want to go home for a few months until he finds a house for us to move in together he will come and get me. He is also having financial issues which my mum doesn’t understand all she sees is I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years and not married but I know he will marry me and he has assured me. Do I go home and wait till he has our life set up and be around family and pets or should I stay because I love him so much. Either way he will marry me, I just have doubts if I stay I might push him away by my stress of being alone some days or do I risk going home on his promise until he is ready….

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jlynn
April 21st, 2015 at 7:57 PM
I don’t understand why you don’t live together.. you would probably have less financial trouble therefore less stress..honestly I would tell him if you two can’t live together and work together as a team you may go back home..

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Jananne
April 21st, 2015 at 5:54 AM
Wow this is such a common problem. So many of us women heratbroken – mine happened last weekend ; after 3 years of dating and spending lots of time together including holidays and sleep overs with our respective kids, I asked about a commitment and that I believed marriage was so important. He went away for 24 hours and came back having decided that he now knew he didnt want to get married again even though he knew it was adeal breaker for me. I think -jlyn – your comments are the ones I most identify with. I am 47 with two boys, he is 55 with a daughter who lives with him part time. We have both been married twice before. I have a lovely house and enjoy my independence but want to be his wife and be a family once more, not just live together with all the sacrifices that entails without knowing he is fully commited to me in all ways. But he is such a lovely man that I dont want to leave, and risk maybe being alone forever. What do we all do? Are we all destined to remain unhappy??? No one has answers and I am so sad because the future I thought we had, and my future has jsut disappered and as someone said, this has already tainted what was a great relationship with some uncertainty. The uncertainty has gone but replaced with a knowledge that has brought pain and confusion. Sad sad sad :(

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alicia
April 21st, 2015 at 6:57 PM
:(

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jlynn
April 21st, 2015 at 7:51 PM
What’s hard is when you can feel the compatibility between you and he can too but he says he doesn’t want to get married.. I really would leave but only if I knew he would come after me..it’s hard..

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alicia
April 21st, 2015 at 7:00 PM
The question of marriage came up again. He said we could talk about it again later. Our two year engagement is the 28th of this month. It’s hard because my best friend is planning her wedding and they just got engaged.its hard for me to be happy for her. I feel horrible and she has no clue, I just tell everyone we aren’t in a hurry and they look at me funny.

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jlynn
April 22nd, 2015 at 6:30 AM
I know what you mean.. I have a couple friends and family members getting married and I am happy for them but it sucks having to watch a wedding knowing I will never get married to the guy I want to marry

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brknhrt
April 24th, 2015 at 8:38 PM
My fiance and I have been together over 2 years. He proposed completely on his own on new years. I was so surprised and exciteD. We have now bought a house and he has no intentions of setting a date. He says hes comfortable the way things are and is in no hurry. Why did he propose???

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jlynn
April 25th, 2015 at 8:17 PM
Why buy a house with someone before there is a commitment? Now he feels like he don’t have to marry you because you are not going anywhere…

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Daisygirl
November 4th, 2015 at 4:13 AM
Same here. He proposed just before I moved myself and my daughter in with him and his 3 kids. We’d only been dating 10 months. This would be the 2nd marriage for both. We’re both 41. I didn’t pressure him a bit and was so flattered and over the moon. I actually said let’s wait on the wedding a bit because we were so busy, we don’t have family pushing us, the costs and just the big adjustment of blending a family. Now 2 and a half years later he says he wants to be together forever but it made sense to him that I wanted to wait.. And now he doesn’t see any reason to get married. I guess I missed the window?! I feel like he’s test driven this & isn’t sold.. Or is sold and feels he’s gotten it all so why make it legal. He’s much more set financially and will leave everything to his kids. We’ve talked about a prenup, so he shouldn’t worry I’ll try to take anything that’s theirs.
He says he needs me, I’m the only one, he loves me and wants to be together forever.. Just doesn’t see why we should get married (cow, milk, free…).
I just feel so cheated and hurt. Everyone knows we’re “engaged” and I have this beautiful ring… But I look at it.. It used to make me so happy and feel so loved and secure that my daughter and I will finally have a real family (i Don’t have any other living family).. But now it’s heartbreaking and humiliating. I don’t understand where his want to marry went. All he says is that he doesn’t see the need and his past (divorce, parents’ unhappy marriage) hasn’t helped him feel good about marriage.
I also want security.. I know the house we live in will go to the kids even if we’re married.. But we could work out a time frame for me to figure things out of he died.. And I do think about social security. I’m self employed and spend all my other time on our household, kids.. So I feel I’m putting in hours but not getting any security like he is at his job.. And that’s only for him and his kids. I’m so confused about what my “share” should be, married or not.. I feel like this girl living in his house.. A fake wife.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE him soon much and don’t want to lose him or upset our lives. This just feels unfair.. Like I’m living in his life but not part of his family.
Ugh.

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prenee
January 1st, 2017 at 6:30 AM
I hope your name is on the title!

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Laine
April 24th, 2015 at 10:36 PM
Desi, and all the other women who are living with men who wont marry-Move OUT. Get your independence back. You have all given away your power to men who are getting everything on their terms. You don’t have to stop seeing them, but by moving out you change the dynamics of the relationship. Start dating other men too. Dont be so available to Mr “wont marry you”.

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jlynn
April 25th, 2015 at 8:15 PM
The problem with that is you can’t go backwards in a relationship.. once you do it’s basically over.. if you feel you need to do that than you should quit seeing him altogether…as long as you are seeing someone on those terms you won’t find someone to marry you so you might as well stay where your at because no man will date a woman that still sees her ex and other men while he’s trying to develop a meaningful relationship..

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deron
April 26th, 2015 at 7:40 AM
New to this.
My bf and I have been together 7yrs, we live together but have no children together. I have boys and he has a daughter. We used to fight and argue all the time but we no longer do that, he used to have insecurity but don’t show that he does anymore.
My problem is on Valentine’s day he gave me a ring but didn’t formally propose he told my children he did and my family he did but really didn’t. So we discussed it and I told him i wouldn’t wear the ring until he asked so he did I was so exciteD. This is what I’ve been waiting for YES. Well when i started asking him about dates is when the problem started he said he dont know so i suggested we both think of dates , and since we been together so long i think the sooner the better . He then tells me that he dont think we should make it a special date that one day we should just go do it… so that brought more questions by me. “Are we having a wedding?”
his answer was its to expensive, so i agreed. We told the family no wedding just court house. So that made them discuss a BIG reception. He didn’t say anything until we got home and said no reception. I was SHOCKED, hurt, confused and upset. So why do he thinks he has to control this situation? I’ve come to the conclusion that he just proposed to shut me up and he has no interest in getting married. I try to talk to him about it but i always get upset and shut down. He tell me we are getting married for us not for show so all that reception and stuff should’nt matter. I disagree we are not rich or cant afford over the top but I feel we should have something to celebrate our big day. Now he gets upset when i say “If we get married ” when we discuss the future but what does he expect if he makes me feel unsure all the tome.

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jlynn
April 26th, 2015 at 8:34 PM
A.lot of men don’t like to have a big wedding or reception..me personally I wouldn’t care if I had one neither as long as I was getting married to the one I love..how about this: compromise and wear a wedding dress to the court house and instead of having a reception tell him you agree a reception is to much so just have a big family cookout instead.. this way its still like a reception but he thinks it’s just a family cookout..

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Elisa
April 28th, 2015 at 4:01 AM
Something is the matter with us. If a man commits to you for 5, 10, or 20 years, supports you emotionally (and even financially), but doesn’t want to get married, what difference does it make? He sounds like a much better boyfriend than most husbands I have known. Shouldn’t we be grateful for what we do have instead of obsessing over what we don’t? Do you honestly believe that I man that doesn’t love you would spend 20 years of his life with you? Has he not invested just as much in this relationship? My boyfriend does not want to marry, and I find myself spinning my wheels like every other woman on these message boards. But sometimes I think I’m just being an idiot…

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Janet
May 7th, 2015 at 10:45 PM
I am in the same predicament – wondering if I am doing the right thing. I have been with my bf for three years and recently gave him the ultimatum, and have ‘left’ as he told me he wants to be together , love and care for me and my two children but doesn’t want to get married again as after two divorces. But he is such a nice man, we get on so well together as lovers and friends and he is bit perfect but one of the nicest men I know so now I am quesionning what my stand is about. Having said that it would mean giving up a house I love, and my financial and personal independence and I need some commitment to be able to do that. So at the moment I have moved my stuff, returned keys trying to be philosophical and missing him!

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Confused
May 8th, 2015 at 10:56 AM
Oh wow.. You actually left him? I still have my home and will for another 1.5 years because my daughter is still in HS and I won’t change her school at this point. I am feeling the same way, and I spoke to him about this. What if.. I sell my house, move in and he God forbid dies?? What then?? I’m sure his kids and family will want me out ASAP. I have no security then. It’s very hard. I love him so much and he is the best man I have ever had in my life. I really don’t want to start over. I actually quit dating for a few years before I met him because I met so many jerks. This is also very hurtful.. I feel rejected in many ways. Then I hear about how so many marriages end in divorce and I wonder if maybe he’s rite. I liked being married, but I was just married to the wrong person for 16 years. My ex can’t hold a candle to this guy. I’m torn😢
Janet
May 11th, 2015 at 10:42 PM
I left, then we talked, I started to change my mind but was seeking some measure of devotion from him before taking such a risk and when it wasn’t really there I questioned why he wasn’t fighting to keep me and he said he now had doubts about our relationship and that was probably the reason he was dragging his heels about marriage! Totally shocked and gutted. He has been my best friend as well as everything else and apart from thus issue we get on so well and never disagree/argue. I don’t want to be alone and have now practically begged him to stay in a relationship with me but in my heart if hearts I know its no longer right. Part of me wishes I had never pushed the marriage question as its ruined everything :(
Confused
May 12th, 2015 at 6:54 PM
OMG I’m so sorry!! I can vision everything you’re saying and I feel for you! This guy obviously has marriage issues. Did he have a bad divorce? I think he wants you, but is probably afraid you’ll leave him again. If you two had a good relationship before then you will get it back. Hang in there!
Janet
May 12th, 2015 at 10:52 PM
Thank you. He had two bad divorces! He was also scared that if we just lived together, I would be unhappy and in 5 or 10 years time I would leave him brokenhearted – his description! Was quite surprised by this! So, having met up and knowing we both love each other and care and don’t want to be apart we have decided to just agree to love each other and get back to where we were, having a great relationship. For now I am happy to just be happy with what I have and enjoy life, and also enjoy my time on my own and my independence and be content knowing I have a good man in my life who loves and cares for me. Its not exactly what I wanted but life is too short to be unhappy, and I am going to enjoy what I have and not worry (well, try not to) about what I haven’t got because the love thing is the most important. I hope you manage to reach a resolution in your relationship x
Confused
May 8th, 2015 at 11:04 AM
Hi Elisa.. I understand what you are saying. The only thing is that I’m 50 years old and I must think about my future.. Stability.. Security. Unless he puts something in writing why should I sacrifice my future because he’s been burned before. This totally stinks!

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jlynn
May 10th, 2015 at 10:04 PM
I agree …I’m in the same situation…I am not with my boyfriend for anything he has..I’m with him because I love him ..however what if I am with him for 30 years and something happens to him after we have made this life together? Am I suppose to start all over again ..by than this will be hard for me to do because I will be older and the older you are the harder it is to start over again. ..not to mention why should I have to walk away when I helped put some time,money, and love into out home as well..
Tori
May 17th, 2015 at 11:49 AM
Agreed, I relate to what you said jlynn, I am concerned about 30 years down the road as well. I will lose everything, so all I can do now is stop financially and emotionally investing in the home we live in, outside of paying basic “rent” towards the mortgage.. I am not pitching in for new rain gutters, or blinds, because if anything happens to my partner, I would be kicked out by next of kin.
jlynn
May 18th, 2015 at 8:04 PM
I feel the same way…I don’t want to invest a lot of money into our home knowing I could be kicked out by someone …its sad because a woman takes pride in designing their home…
Uma
April 30th, 2015 at 7:48 PM
I have a kashmiri boyfriend committed for past 1 year. He says we have probably a year or a couple of years before he gets married to a Kashmiri girl that his parents will arrange for. I am a Hindu from south of India. He is a Muslim. I am ready to make changes for him. Ready to make sacrifices. What do i do to make him marry me.. please help

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jlynn
May 1st, 2015 at 9:27 PM
Run for the hills or sand dunes..why bother with a guy who won’t stand up for himself and marry who he wants instead of letting someone else choose for him? If he won’t and is stuck in that situation there is nothing you can do…just make sure if you are willing to covert to Muslim make sure you can live with that choice..

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erinevans
April 30th, 2015 at 9:52 PM
My boyfriend wants to marry me and move in with me we have been together for 7 mouths. But I gave him a really hard time the first time he wanted to date me we were friends for a year and a half he gave alot of signs that he likes me be I didn’t see it. I was dating someone else at the time when he told me he liked me I rejected him. He didn’t like that,he was unhappy about that but he didn’t give up he convenience me to break up with him. Then I started to date him,I never really liked compliments it took me 6 months and a break up to believe in the compliments and what true about me.I’m trying to be positive and happy. But he still wants to marry me,I’m so scared and worried about it even tho it’s five years away

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jlynn
May 1st, 2015 at 9:23 PM
If it’s 5 years away enjoy your relationship and quit stressing over it..in 5 years if everything is good than marry him if you don’t want to marry him than don’t.. you have only been with him 7 months and your talking about 5 years from now..why stress?

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erin e
May 2nd, 2015 at 4:10 PM
Okay! I will try!
jlynn
May 3rd, 2015 at 9:42 PM
Good:):)
NP
May 9th, 2015 at 8:51 AM
I have been with my boyfriend for two plus years now and I have known him for about 4 years. he is a great man. Loyal but not very communicative. But he is always like that so I have learned to live with it. We have had our ups and downs but we never give up on each other. When we got together we instantly got into a serious relationship. We were around each other everyday. Went to sleep and woke up together. It has been like this for the entire 2+ yrs we’ve been together. I’ve stayed with his family as he’s stayed with mine. But when I talk to him about marriage he says he’s not sure. I don’t want to live with someone and have sex with someone if we don’t see each other being together for life…because then what do I have to offer the right guy later? I do love him and he says he loves me and treats me good but I don’t know how much longer I can wait for him to be sure.

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jlynn
May 9th, 2015 at 9:56 PM
I know what you mean..I don’t want to wait until I’m older and find out that the man who didn’t want to marry me was keeping me until he found the girl he really did want to marry..what’s odd is he says he can see him always being with me so I’m confused why he doesn’t just marry me …

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the plain
May 13th, 2015 at 12:00 PM
I am with a man almost 13yrs nd for all those years all he says is I love you so much u dnt even know it nd I will marry you let’s just first get all the things we want in life. My question! what more material things will one want? wen we hAve everything how do we build a life togther when we not married, what if something happens when one of us die. Its not easy being this long in a relationship and looking forward in life how do u do that when tomorw he kicks u to the curb

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:-/
May 14th, 2015 at 7:26 PM
My boyfriend and I been dating for 2yrs now. He said that he’s honestly thinking about marriage bc I take such good care of him and do what he asks he even said I’m way too good to him. And he asked me to think about it and give him an answer soon and I said I will but few days later he said he wants to marry me and he loves me so much but he’s not sure if he wants to get married yet. And told me that he’s really been thinking about it a LOT.. Now i’m confused :-/

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WiserNow
May 15th, 2015 at 6:06 AM
Ladies, ladies, ladies. I have a two word solution to all of your problems: PULL AWAY.

All of your stories are similar, and I’ve been there, done that. No amount of talking about it or threatening to leave will work on a man. They are all designed the same way. You have to pull away when they are not giving you what you need. It doesn’t require leaving — just pull away and make him chase you again. That’s what makes them thrive. They have to feel like you are worthy — and begging, crying, and threatening only make you appear less worthy, like you are more interested in marriage than you are being with him. Men don’t listen to reason like we do. They are simple. They enjoy the chase, and the chase doesn’t end just because you’ve been with them a year or several years. Make them work for it. Trust me. It took me years to figure this out. Go do things without him. Take more time to respond to his texts. Stop asking him how he feels about marriage. Be that fun-loving, easy going girl he fell in love with. You know, the girl who laughed and smiled and wasn’t worried about “where this is going”. So here’s your homework for 10 days, and report back and let the other ladies know what his response was. No, you won’t get a marriage proposal in 10 days, but you’ll get his attention and desire back, and that’s the building block for the future you want. So for the next 10 days:

1. Don’t initiate a text message, and wait at least 45 minutes before you respond to his. When you do reply, keep it light-hearted and simply sweet. (Hope your day is going great! 😀)

2. Don’t ask him one time where the relationship is going, and don’t talk about your feelings or the past.

3. Make plans without him two times during the 10 days. Go to dinner or a movie, or just go drive around and listen to music if you have to. But don’t invite him. And don’t text or call him while you’re away! Wait 45 min if he texts you.

4. Be nice to him, and compliment him for something he does for you or on his appearance.

You get the point. It’s all about the chase. Ladies, you’re never too old to play hard to get. It worked on the playground, and it works on grown ass men. Love to you! Don’t forget to report back at the end of the 10 days to encourage other ladies who need it.

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Janet
May 15th, 2015 at 10:30 AM
I liked this! After a near break up over the marriage issue I realised I just wanted to be in a relationship with a lovely man that I loved more than anything, and we agreed to just love each other and get back on track, and because I am actually quite happy in my own home with my independence and no longer feel under pressure to make big decisions I have chilled out so much, and yes, enjoying his efforts – his messages and requests to see me. I have pulled away to a place I am happy for now, and letting him take the keas after months and months of it being me that pushed for commitment. Its working for me! X

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WiserNow
May 15th, 2015 at 2:43 PM
Kudos to you for figuring it out 💗 Best wishes for your future!
jlynn
May 15th, 2015 at 4:06 PM
I know what you are saying but we have too much respect for each other than playing games and not responding to each others text and taking off for hours and not know where each other is … when you live with someone you can’t do that to each other and not expect any problems ..however I do need to try to quit asking him continuously about marriage and quit acting upset about it all the time …this I can try to work on…I just can’t do something to him like ignoring him when I don’t want him to do it to me …

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Confused
May 15th, 2015 at 5:56 PM
Maybe marriage isn’t the answer. After all, mine ended after 16 years. The problem I have is that I feel rejected by him not wanting to get married. I can honestly say that he would feel the same way if it were another woman. He just doesn’t want to get married.. Period. He is afraid of losing everything again in another divorce. I’m going to also stop talking about it.
Confused
May 15th, 2015 at 6:00 PM
Hey.. I like this!! Now if I can only get the guts to do it.. Lol

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Larileah
May 23rd, 2015 at 7:01 AM
I feek like my boyfriend brings up marriage and kids more than me and ive been at the point in life I want to be settled already. And he says hes been wanting it but always places a price tag like its about love not always about money ive seen the poorest of people have a decent wedding and support many children. Its like it has to be his way or no way at all plus I have medical condition that can lead to infertility and hes still just about himself and his needs and wants.

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jlynn
May 23rd, 2015 at 3:36 PM
I would be happy just to wear a dress to the court house and have a BBQ at the house with family and friends afterwards …at least your man is willing to marry you and he’s right it don’t have to cost a lot to commit to each other …save the money for a nice vacation or something else for the house
TML
May 24th, 2015 at 7:36 AM
The playing hard to get sounds great, but what if you live with him?

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cat
May 25th, 2015 at 7:02 PM
I have been with my guy four years, last night he said two…to a buddy. I said four and he replied “that long”… So it has been a good four years judging by his tone. His friends give him trouble for not marrying me…he replies he loves me, etc. He SATs his reason is he has lost two houses….a cover for another issue probably. Last night Hus friend made a comment, I stated, he just hasn’t found the right one (to marry) yet. He quickly replied he had found the one (me) but was not getting married…..I feel like my being a somewhat chubby is the issue…he likes 85 lb women…yet his gerth has expanded! It hurts me because I feel, his statement (which is always the same–about losing real estate) I feel as if he doesn’t care as much for me as I do him…yet immediately he introduced me to family, his adult kids, his friends, his employees and took me to his favorite restaurants, etc. If I disappeared for awhile he would inquire about my whereabouts right away, without hesitation, plus he would probably pay me back..grr. He told his friend our relationship is like marriage anyhow, in a positive tone. We don’t say I love you often, he always thanks me for doing the things I do for him..I wouldn’t get married now anyhow, but I would feel more secure if I felt he would someday…soooo HELP!

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jlynn
May 28th, 2015 at 3:43 AM
Sounds alot like my relationship in everything you said but the weight thing
mari
June 2nd, 2015 at 11:38 AM
Good luck with everything. I’m in a relationship with this awesome guy who doesn’t want any commitment because of the fear to loose his daughters 22,19, and 18 years olld. Who doesn’t want me around according to him. I guess I’m company to him when his daughters who live with his ex doesn’t want to see him. His oldest one moved in with her boyfriend, just finished college but doesn’t have a job. And he does everything for his daughter from gas to money for interviews, etc. Because her boyfriend doesn’t give her money. Bit the giy is paying all the bills because she doesn’t have a job. He says he does this because his daughter is not married to this guy. I know he’s not marrying me because he had said it many times. It breaks my heart every time he says this. I told him that there is no need to keep reminding me because every time he does my soul dies. His ex wife cheated on him with many guys, got a restraing order against him and threw him on the street. After 11 years divorced for every single event in his daughters life he takes a picture with his ex. He dosage it according to him for his daughters because he doesn’t want.to hurt them . He cannot move in with me or me with him because he’s afraid to loose them. Always tells me I’m the adult and have to understand he cannot hurt his daughters. Meantime I’m dying inside. I don’t leave because I love him. And I know there is nothing out there. After 21 years married, my husband left me with two kids, who are terms now )19 and 17). I guess I’ll live in fear of the tomorrow. I would like.to find a good.man willing.to marry me. I’m a hardworking woman, descent, respectful, loving, caring. Who cleans, cook, and take care of his house. Things his ex wife never dis. Our sex is greater, to the point I believe is the only connection between us. We talk, go out and do many things together. My teens love him because he has a big heart . But.doesn’t want to live together or get marry.
Luz
June 2nd, 2015 at 9:45 PM
Will this work if we live together ?

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Been there done that...
June 15th, 2015 at 11:31 AM
I will be trying this an will report back on how it worked and the details of my situation 😊 thank you!

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Desani
June 18th, 2015 at 10:49 PM
I absolutely LOVE WiserNow’s response!! That is the perfect advice right there in your message and I intend to follow it exactly. I love that you gave the 10 day goal/challenge it’s something to work towards to keep our crazy marriage focused minds occupied while being positive at the same time. Thank you so very much!!!

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Desani
August 1st, 2017 at 9:51 PM
Well here I sit 2 years later and yet to have a normal discussion about taking that next step…I re-read my previous comment where I had so much hope, so much enthusiasm only to realise I’m now almost on year 6 and no closer than I was before. We dated for an entire year to the week before moving in together. We both have good jobs and we both split the bills and responsibilities straight down the middle which is exactly how we like it. He has a 13 year old son who about a month ago during normal dinner conversation says, “hey Dad, why don’t you want to get married?” I was absolutely floored and could hardly contain my tears of joy when his dad asked him so you want “Desani” as your step mom?” And he said “yes, why not?” And you want “so-and-so#1-age 11” to be your step brother, “well yea why not” and you also want “so-and-so-#2-age 18” to be your step brother too? His son says “well duh”…I just couldn’t believe it! It took about 2 years for (baby mama drama llama) to accept me with him, they were together off and on for about 9 years. Now she comes to birthday parties we have and even family get togethers. Both of my son’s have expressed how they would be very excepting or in their terms “totally cool with it!”. He has a very large family with 5 siblings and many nieces and nephews who I’ve known since birth. His friends and family members occasionally take little jabs at him saying things about it. He just sorta smiles and plays it off. His father even introduces me as his daughter-n-law. I am 38 and he 39. In the beginning I told him I didn’t want to be 40 years old with a long term “boyfriend”….he says he knows plenty of people older that have “boyfriends/girlfriends” and there’s not a problem with it. He’s never been engaged/married before…never ever dated a girl he would have even considered it with before. He said he just never saw himself being married. He told me years ago when I’d say “hey when you gonna marry me?” He’d say “if your good to me, then maybe one day” Well it’s been plenty long enough I think for him to know if I’m the right one…but again, that’s just my opinion…..I feel like I’m going to lose my mind over this and it really gets to me at times. I just wonder why I’m not good enough….
Jujubean
August 2nd, 2017 at 8:58 AM
Desani, I think in general, if a man is late 30s/40s and has never been married and has made statements to where marriage is not important to him, it is very likely he does not want that. He told you “maybe if you’re good to him” he’d marry you but you’ve already lived iwth him, share house responsibilities, finances, bills and are a stepmother to his 2 kids (that comes with a whole other issue/emotonion/stress) dealing with his ex and mother of his kids. My guess is he isn’t likely to marry you. So you have to decide: you can either stay in the relationship without marriage; or decide whether marriage is more important to you than the relationship. Only you can decide what you want more.
Gr8fullTotMomma+Unsure/Unhappy=TERRIFIED4"Us'?!
July 14th, 2015 at 11:52 AM
WiserNow,I completely 100% understand and agree with your advice. I do know those things keep them guessing, keep it fresh, their desire, etc. BUT. What do you think about like “true love”. I KNOW ALL relationships take WORK. Give and take. What if it’s always one way. I give and give and give. Be it sexually, constantly biting my tongue (meaning really “choosing my battles” not being a door mat). Listening to what he has to say intently, even if it’s REALLY uninteresting to me. Ie, A/C components, parts house bs, etc. All the while not being on his a** 24/7. He’s twice divrcd.50 y/o,I’ve never been married (or even proposed too actually) 38 yrs old. We’re blessed to have a 2 yr old daughter. He does (basically) take care of us financially & I don’t take that lightly. We struggle a bit but are okay $ wise. He knows It’s important to me, specifically now that we have a child, to be married.
Now, am I losing my mind. Or when two ppl are supposedly in love, truly. Shld.it be so one-sided. Should I always feel awful. Unsatisfied, unwanted. Should I often do ALOT of the things you talk about. Only to go unnoticed. In the past year or so I swear this man has all but said “It’s MORE important for ME to “finish” in the bedroom, because I don’t feel like taking a few EXTRA minutes every now and again so YOU too can actually “finish” too!” I’m beginning to think he is just plan SELFISH & LAZY. I think he is settling, I take care of our daughter good on his eyes, he doesn’t think I’m going anywhere. He isn’t going to do ANYTHING he doesn’t HAVE to. Get married, pretend he’s listening when I talk, & now for the cherry on top, stop caring for me in the bedroom! I think sadly, actually devastatingly sadly. I may have answered my own question. Shouldn’t it be different if someone’s truly in love with you. Shouldn’t he at some point feel bad that his significant other, partner, mother of his daughter isn’t happy? Love shouldn’t feel this way, right? I don’t want to break up our “family” but I don’t want our daughter to think she shouldn’t be put on a pedistol in her loves eyes. Or that she should be in an unhappy relationship not to mention trying to raise her with Christian values yet her parents are unmarried? A year ago I’d have said “I wish he’d propose” now I think I’m beginning to be grateful we’re not. That makes it a little easier to leave. He says he loves me, our family, that we’ll be together forever. He’s committed to me. Yet doesn’t apparantly care enough to ask me to be his wife. Times ticking by and I try and be grateful for what we/I have. I am continuously unhappy and feel less wanted and important. I don’t think he really loves me. Not in “that” way. Have I lost touch. Or is real love still out there? Help me figure out what to do here. Please!

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Expat in Bahrain
May 17th, 2015 at 2:52 AM
I have been living with my partner for two years and together for three years. When we met, I was in a 20 year marriage with my three children living overseas as an expat. We met through acquaintances and became friends which developed into a relationship. We both left our spouses for each other. He was on his third marriage. I’ve been married once. We always discussed marriage and a future together. But within the last few months he has repeatedly told me he doesn’t want to get married again after three failed marriages. He says marriage ruins everything. I get where he’s coming from but can’t just ignore my feelings and desire for marriage. I am 47 and want a commitment and future with him. I honestly believe we are meant to be together. Should I continue to wait and hope he changes his mind.

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AB
May 17th, 2015 at 7:02 AM
I have been with my bf for nearly 6 years. After a year he fell out with his parents and moved in with me. His younger brother is getting married to his gf of 3 years and now it has left me feeling like an idiot. There is no way I can sit in a church with all the pitying looks from others (mainly smug married women) wondering why my bf won’t marry me.
My bf says he wants to be financially secure (I am well off and support us both which I would be happy to continue doing in marriage). He says I need to give him time but I am 32 this year and feel like things may never change. Then I’ll be too old for marriage with someone else and kids.
I know I should split up with him but it’s really hard to make such a big change to your life knowing this might be as good as it gets. I agree that being happy with a bf should be enough but I want to get married. It sounds like such a small thing (and if it is then why doesnt he just do it??) especially when others in the world are experiencing so much suffering but I can’t help how I feel.

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Janet
May 17th, 2015 at 12:36 PM
It is different if you want children, in which case, you would probably be better leaving and finding someone who will make that commitment to you. However I do understand that as a man he may feel the need to be in a position where he can support you. You need to have big, honest talks but don’t waste too much of your precious time x

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AM
May 19th, 2015 at 6:59 AM
I am going through the exact same thing. We have been together going on 6 years. We have been living together for less that a year. And honestly I push him to live together. He didn’t want to because he is not financially stable this is a big issue for him he works very hard and is trying to pay off a lot of bills from the past relationship and he was taken to the cleaners on child support with this child and pays a turn of money a month. But I told him if we love each other it didn’t matter we got a place he pays not even half and I’m okay with that. I didn’t realize I was pushing all the time about marriage but apparently that’s become an issue. I’m a very independent person I have a son his dad is not in his life my son is 10 and is just now coming around to my boyfriend as far as telling him you love him and hugging him and becoming close to him it took him a while but I think it’s because his dad left when he was so young so I let him do it on his own time he has a daughter that is with us on weekends. He doesn’t communicate well he shuts down and ignores me until he feels comfortable talking and that’s a big problem for me. Now he’s sleeping in the other room and said he’ll move out soon as he can and I’m heartbroken I worry that I made the wrong decision that my son is not going to have this great man in his life and I’m going to lose the love of my life just because I was being selfish and want to marriage but I’m afraid the damage is done now and that he’s going to leave I told him two days ago I would leave him alone and give them space to let him think we haven’t talked since then I’m worried it’s too late I don’t know if it was all worth it if marriage is worth losing this

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jlynn
May 19th, 2015 at 8:05 PM
And this is where I’m torn…I want to marry him so bad and can’t stop talking about it and I’m afraid if I push him away to where he leaves me or I leave him over this I will regret it …but still I can’t help the way I feel neither …
Jananne
May 20th, 2015 at 1:51 PM
Having almost lost my man over this I have to say my whole perspective has changed and although I feel a bit sad that he wont marry me and the future is still uncertain, it pales into insignificance to the misery I felt on losing such a lovely partner, lover, best friend. I just decided to try to be content with what I have. I wish I had longer legs, I wish my mum hadn’t died, and I wish he would marry me but sometimes there are things we have to accept and just move on in life. I do understand what marriage means, as i too was at that point but it took almost losing him to make me just appreciate what I do have and accept things as they are. Yes I do still wish he would propose and secretly I still hope he will, and I no longer feel we can plan a future together as such, but life is too short to be unhappy…cherish what you have, a man who loves you and who wants to be accepted for who and how he is, and if he is worth doing that for, you have a very precious gift of love in your life xx

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Confused
May 20th, 2015 at 2:57 PM
Wow.. You said that perfectly. I agree with everything you say. I feel exactly the same. I don’t want to lose my “boyfriend” over this. It took me a very long time to meet him. I’m 50 years old and have been divorced for 12 years. I dated a lot of men, and no one compares to him. I feel lucky and blessed to have such a great man in my life. I have girlfriends that are my age and still single because they haven’t met a nice man. There are so many jerks out there with all type of issues.. I don’t want it!! If I broke up with my man, Someone else would swoop him rite up. I’m a good catch as they say, but so is he. I’m not bringing up marriage anymore. He did tell me that when I move in that he’d make some type of legal agreement that I can stay in the house for a certain period of time if god forbid he dies. That’s my fear too.. I have a home and don’t want to start over. We also talked about buying a house together as a retirement place for us so I would have that.

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jlynn
May 20th, 2015 at 9:03 PM
I feel the same way about its not worth losing my man over but than the other part of me says he was willing to lose me by not marrying me so do I mean less to him than he does me …he says he loves me and acts like he does and he is my best friend and the best man I’ve ever had in my life but I can’t help but have the feelings that I do
Janet
May 20th, 2015 at 10:50 PM
It sounds like you have so much going for you and your relationship compared to others. I am 47 and also been in past relationships, marriages, the dating scene (hideous) and know how many idiots are out there and don’t want to be alone, or have to start over. Its not totally easy to let go of wishes and hopes, but the alternative is worse. It would be different if I were younger or wanting children, but I can enjoy my life and not worry so much now. I know he loves and cares for me, like you, and having a retirement together to look forward to must be very comforting. I wish you every happiness xx
tlc
May 26th, 2015 at 11:39 PM
so I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years we live together in the house that him and his ex wife bought. I take care of his two kids and my kid every day, I stay home. I have no debt but he has like $60,000 of debt because he didn’t want to leave his ex with bills. last year I got a blood clot in my lungs and had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks. I didn’t have insurance, he told me he didn’t have enough money to pay MY hospital bills so I had to get a job but I still took care of the kids and made sure they still got to school and sports with help from my mom. nothing that we have is in my name not the house not the trailer that I paid off my car or his truck because my credit sucks because I was a single mom and didn’t have my s*** together. we only fight about sex and marriage. I want to get married for stability and because I want to be with him for the rest of my life. My loyalty only lies with him. I love him more than I thought possible! his ex wife cheated on him with his best friend so I feel that he’s afraid I will do the same I have never been married I am my thirties and I have full custody of my 9 year old son. we have our first counseling appointment next week. sometimes I feel like if he’s not going to give me the commitment I feel like I want and I deserve I should just leave but then I can’t picture my life without him and his kids. I’m so torn. Please help

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jlynn
May 28th, 2015 at 3:39 AM
Some of your post leaves some confusion …why do you fight over sex? Of one of you are not giving the other the intimacy one wants or needs there is no way getting married is going to help this relationship…I can say one thing and that is there is no way I would be paying a house or cars off that I wouldn’t be able to call mine in an event of a death or split in a divorce…if you want to help out with bills by giving him a couple hundred or so that’s fine but don’t be paying anything else …that’s not your obligation..

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tlc
May 28th, 2015 at 11:10 AM
we fight about sex because he said that is the only way that he feels loved and when he doesn’t get it every day that he wants it he kind of turns into a bratty child. I have a hard time with sex because I had a full hysterectomy when I was 26 and now 33 so I have to take hormone supplements everyday I just don’t have the want or the earg and especially when he doesn’t treat me nice why would I want to have sex with him until that response his is why would I want to marry somebody that isn’t going to love me the way I want to be loved then when I talk to him about separating he says he doesn’t want to be with anybody but me so we are going to go to counseling and try to work things out. I have also told him that I need to feel stable in the fact that nothing that we have the money minutes with but that he really take everything even though he swears he wouldn’t but break ups can change people. I guess I’m just confused cuz I want to get married and I really don’t feel like I’m going to get that from him
jlynn
May 29th, 2015 at 6:28 PM
Ok well you need to stop paying everything off if you are going to be entitled to nothing …I live with someone that doesn’t want to marry me and the only thing I buy is flowers for the landscaping and groceries and I make him take a couple hundred from me because I have a need to be independent even with the commitment of marriage if it ever happens …also you need to go to a therapist and find out what you can do to make you feel the desire to have sex again..
Confused
June 8th, 2015 at 5:31 PM
I hope that counseling works for you two. That is a step in a good direction. Good luck!
You are young and need security! Hopefully he changes his mind. I wouldn’t be so generous. Keep some $ for a rainy day. I would also get your car put in your name.
My boyfriend makes good Money.. He lent me money for a car. I have paid hi all back except for $1000.. I’ve already paid him $7500. He can wait till next years tax return. I’m not cutting myself short when he has a nice savings and k live week to week.

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Sihle
May 31st, 2015 at 3:34 PM
ok if marriage is such a rubish of time to men why don’t they just spend one day and do it for our sakes.this is hard for me.

I’ve been with my man for 8 years he is 30 I am 25.I have a child before this relationship and I am doing my honours he drives a cab.he wants a child I want one too but I am not having a second child while I still leave with my parents.I said I want a family he said he is not financially safe but we both not safe for a baby.I looked at him.he never gives me money.he borrows me money that I have to return at a particular time.I do my hair my clothes I do me.I ask myself how are we going to join pockets and a have a kid where as he is my loan shark without the interest.I told him last year December that I need more from him he said ok.at the back of my mind I was like you have 5 months to pull your socks.well nothing changed.we had a fight around 22:30 he threw me out I walked home.he came back I went back for the sex because I don’t like sleeping with someone else.so he talked about us getting married I was like god you showed me a sign I don’t need you to come down.hell no me marry you my brain said.so my birthday came up 29/05 so he bought me cake except I don’t eat cake and he new about it and said he will buy me wings.I laughed inside but said don’t bother.I love you you I thought you were the best thing that happen to me.I use to thank god for you but no.
my point it takes time to get to know someone.you need to find out what’s more important for you.if a man wants to marry you he will propose but if he feels pressured when you fight he will run somewhere else.marriages outside don’t last.what do you need at the end of the day.if a man tells you he doesn’t wanna get married that’s it decide in that moment the couch or the door.keep in mind that he might not want to marry you but no man would ever say that.I left my man not for the sake to find someone else but for him to see my value.we all feel that marriage will complete us.ask the right questions be ready for answers ask after sex

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BeenThere
June 2nd, 2015 at 5:05 PM
For an eye-opener, read the response from “Athena” (response number 12). It’s probably the most practical advice on this entire page. Good luck.

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Stuckinarut
June 6th, 2015 at 1:02 PM
I’ve been with my boyfriend since I was 15 and 12 years later were putting money down on a house were we grew up. As you can imagine we’ve been through a lot of life changes in 12 years- high school drama, college, random break ups then back together, deployments, etc. Through his years in the service everyone asked me “why aren’t you guys married?” And now that we’re buying our first house and many years have passed, our friends have all started getting married and I’m begrudgingly sooo jealous. Truth: I have no interest in the wedding aspect of marriage. I just want the commitment and promise, but pathetically the ring too. My boyfriend has no interest in marriage as we both came from families of very bitter divorces. I feel like I’ve exhausted every attempt to warm him up to the idea of marriage, but it upsets me that after all this time I have to beg or persuade him to want to marry me. Doesn’t that make me extremely pathetic ? All of our fights revolve around me pestering him about marriage and I get the “if you didn’t ask me everyday then I might be interested” talk. He makes me feel guilty that I want go spend my life with him and that the only reason I want to get married is for his health care. Right now I feel like after all these years of waiting it wouldn’t even make me happy or excited if he proposed as he sucked all the happiness out of it. I’m in a shit or get off the pot situation with him- do I stay and try to accept the fact he won’t marry me or leave bc he will never marry me and that’s something I shouldn’t give up on. I love him very much and have been very dependent on our relationship for many years that I have no identity without him nor do I know how to be alone or take care of myself.

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jlynn
June 7th, 2015 at 7:44 PM
Me and my boyfriend are the same way …I always feel guilty for briging marriage up everyday but it’s something I want in my relationship…I am so embarrassed because everyone knows I want to marry him and he doesn’t want to marry me …

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Confused
June 8th, 2015 at 5:23 PM
i feel embarrassed too. I feel like the reject who will always have a “boyfriend” never a husband. I am envious that women at work have a husband and I never will. I love him so much and don’t want to be without him. There’s no ultimatum here..if I threatened to leave, he’d probably go. Even if he agreed to marry me, it wouldn’t be sincere. He just doesn’t want to get married. I could make like miserable and bitch forever, but that won’t help. I really don’t like this feeling. I’m sick of it.
Julia
June 10th, 2015 at 11:49 PM
I totally understand what you mean. I wish my boyfriend wanted to marry me. We’ve gotten into a couple of heated discussions about it. In my heart I know that if he ever proposed he would be doing it for my sake and I don’t want that either. I love him very much and I can see myself with him forever. For some reason I have this overwhelming want for marriage and I don’t have an explanation for it. I can still have everything I want outside of marriage yet I still want it. But I would never sacrifice our relationship for this irrational want.
cassie
June 12th, 2015 at 5:34 PM
I totally feel for you. Ive been with my guy for 8 years. Ive been wanting to get married since 2010. We talked about having kids and he bought us a puppy for Christmas. I told him I wanted to elope. He said we couldn’t do that to our families and that he wanted a big wedding. By mid 2011 I couldnt take it anymore and just blurted out “we should get married”. At first he said nothing which I thought was the worst thing ever but then he said “but I dont want to marry you”. That was actually the worst thing ever. All my friends and family know I want to be married. We now have 2 kids together. He wants to go to the court house and “just do it” but now I don’t want to.He wants to get married because he doesn’t want his daughters to be bastards. Not because he loves me. I believe he does truly love me its just that love isnt a reason to get married for him.
jlynn
June 13th, 2015 at 8:41 AM
You need to sit him down and have a talk …I would ask him why he wants to get married now when he told you before that he didn’t want to marry you…maybe he wasn’t ready than and is now since he’s had time to think about it…
Gemma
June 16th, 2015 at 4:45 PM
Omg! This is exactly how I feel. I have just had a child with my bf and I desperately want him to marry me but he doesn’t believe in it. ‘It is real’ I tell him! He says he loves me and wants to be with me forever and that if I really want to he will marry me but I know his heart isn’t in it and therefore I can’t force him. That’s not the point. I have cried and cried over this. I want us all to have the same name and I want him to Barry me. In my heart I feel like I’m not his true love as he won’t marry me. I feel like my life will always be incomplete because of this. I feel incredibly embarrassed as everyone knows I want to marry him too.
jlynn
June 20th, 2015 at 10:46 AM
It’s definitely embarrassing …we have been around friends and they have asked us why we are not married and if his nepthew is with us he will whisper to them not to bring it up because I’m wanting to get married and he doesn’t …than they start apologizing to me…I get so embarrassed that people knows the man I love won’t marry me
RealGoodHonestAnswer
June 8th, 2015 at 1:30 PM
Well for many of us good single men out there that would’ve wanted a wife and family, there are many of us still Single as i speak since most women nowadays are very independent, selfish, spoiled, very picky, and think their all that with their high paying job today as well as being very high maintenance which makes it much harder for us meeting a good woman to get married too.

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Confused
June 8th, 2015 at 5:24 PM
Well if we are lucky enough to have a good paying job… I guess we need it since we don’t have the security of having a husband.

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jlynn
June 12th, 2015 at 1:37 PM
Good point “confused” …
What are we supposed to do live with our parents until a man wants to get off their ass and marry us? Us women has to have a way to support ourselves and there is nothing wrong with being independent especially with men these days not wanting to grow up …
Jenn
June 16th, 2015 at 10:47 AM
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 7 years,we have two kids together and we share everything a home our bank accounts ect… I feel he does truely love me but he doesn’t believe in marriage. He said his parents loved each other and were together for 17 years with out a thought of marriage and they had 5 kids. And he adds marriages now a days always end in divorce and have high cost and its not worth it for a piece of paper. But I want that piece of paper! And if its just a “piece of paper” why not just give it to me? Everyones advise is to leave, they say I shouldn’t sacrifice what I want out of my future. But I don’t feel like that’s the answer excpecially with two kids. But what do you do in this situation?

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Me
June 17th, 2015 at 1:50 AM
So less than a month ago I found out my bf for 8 years was cheating on me. He’s been having talking to this girl online and even bought a flight ticket to see her on the same time I’m going away on a trip with my family. I was devastated. When we came back from our respective trips, he said he didn’t meet her and he knows he made a mistake and I am really who he loves. I really love him so I agreed to give it another try. We own a home together but He works out of town so I do not know what he doing most of the time when he’s away but I find whenever we’re together he’s very affectionate but when we’re in public place, he barely look at me and looks at other girls and noticing them more. We fought a few times and marriage topic came up, I wanted to get married for a long time now, we talked about it, we talked about having kids together but he never pop the question. During our last fight, he admitted popping the question came to him mind years back but said he can’t afford the wedding I want, and now he feels suffocated…?? But he said he loves me…?? I don’t what to think of all these. Help….

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jlynn
June 18th, 2015 at 8:53 PM
Why marry someone you can’t trust? It’s obvious you can’t …. marriage is not going to make it better…

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unsettled
June 28th, 2015 at 4:55 PM
Listen to all of us… we don’t want to lose our man best friend lover etc… so we r settling on their terms. They don’t want get married and we settle and agree with them cuz we don’t want to lose the. It’s total bullshit..when are they gonna be forced to have to settle for us..to have to give up their dreams to make sure we stay with them… I have been with mine for 12 years..we have 2 beautiful daughters together. .we were first engaged 10 years ago… however the day after the proposal he told me he didn’t mean it and took the ring off my finger. .a few hours later he loved me and couldn’t wait to marry me. This went on for the next year during the pregnancy and birth of our first daughter. .. shortly after I broke off our engagement and took the ring off… to me that ring has been tainted since the night he gave it to me.. we had a rocky 8 years after that. . finally on our 9th anniversary I had had enuf.. I gave him a year to grow up n make a decision or I would make it for us on our 10th anniversary. . not only for myself but for our daughters also.. I don’t want our girls to think it’s ok for a man to walk in n out of your life.. (romantically…, he is a great father) so he decided that he wanted me n a future with his family 2 months before our 10 ur anniversary. . the past 2 years have been wonderful. . I finally have the relationship I deserve after 12 years of putting up with a bunch of shit. Last week him and our daughters asked me to marry them… it was the sweetest proposal ever… I’ve be been super ecstatic for the past week.. now I am getting the feeling that it’s just being done because of our girls, that if we didn’t have them there would be no engagement or wedding. .. so again I’m feeling pissed off n unsettled. . do I carry on n plan a wedding that I’ve been waiting for. Or do I take the ring back off… I want to be married cuz he loves me,wants to spend the rest of his life with me not because he feels a sense of obligation to me and our daughters and knows that I want to have the same last name as them.. I know he loves me,n there is no one else out there for either of us,that regardless of marriage we will be together forever. . So do I settle and have my happily ever after or not settle n still have our kind of happily ever after??? And question either decision I make for the rest of our lifes…

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Confused
June 29th, 2015 at 3:23 PM
hi.. I say go through with the wedding. You have kids together and should be married. I love the way him and your daughters asked you to marry them! Put your sour feelings aside and enjoy! You won’t be sorry cause you said you’d be together anyway. Go for it!! Good luck and have fun planning the wedding!!

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Kehlani
July 1st, 2015 at 1:55 AM
On Sept 22, it will be 6 years with my bf, recently i brought up marriage around his sister & he said it loud and clear , just to let you know im never getting married, which was shocking because all these 6 years. He has talked about it and we’ve looked at rings, i feel like shit, i don’t know what to do, we have a son together & im afraid if we never get married that my son will one day ask why haven’t we got married, & if i respond with because your dad didn’t want to , it will be a bad example , because love & family is the best thing in life, but i also don’t want to get married if he doesn’t mean it, my dreams are crushed, i don’t know if i should continue this realtionship, if all i ever wanted was to be a wife, & i don’t want to stay just because i have a son, i love him, I’m still inlove with him since day 1, but things aren’t the same anymore & since he said this & it literally embarrassed me, because he said it infront of people, i feel like i can’t do this anymore.
I don’t know if breaking up because he doesn’t wanna get married is worth it, i also feel like his drunk and immature coworkers interfere in our relationship, because since he met these new coworkers at his job i don’t know who he is anymore.

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anonymous
July 4th, 2015 at 12:31 PM
I have been with this girl for 7 years and she has 2 kids, I was so eager to marry her when we were in our early stages of the relationship, and now she just doesn’t want to anymore, I keep telling myself everything will be OK but I don’t see any change in her in getting married. She also doesn’t want to get married cus I don’t make much money. Honestly I’m starting to lose interest, I don’t know what to do,

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Jessica
July 6th, 2015 at 10:14 PM
There’s no way in trying when your partner is with you for money.

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nicky
July 9th, 2015 at 12:17 AM
i m in a relationshp from past 6 yrs … n now when it comes to marriage he says i love you but marriage m not sure about my family.. i m totally lost dnt knw wat to do..

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jlynn
July 13th, 2015 at 9:33 AM
I decided to sit my boyfriend down and have a talk about him not wanting to marry me…I told him this talk wasn’t about giving him an ultimatum to marry me because I really don’t want him to marry me if it’s not in his heart to do it ..but to let him know that if we are not married in 2 years that we need to go our own ways…I love him but I want someone that loves me equally and wants to commit and it’s not fair to either one of us if I’m hurt everyday of my life over this and he has to be frustrated because I am miserable …I just think sometimes people aren’t meant to be together no matter how much in love they think they are

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Patti
September 27th, 2015 at 8:00 PM
Jlynn, I feel like you and I are in the same boat. I
would like to email you directly if I could. Do you know if that inspiringly?
A little background.
I am 54 and my boyfriend is 66. He once strung me
along with little hints that we would probably eventually marry,
but now I’ve been told it doesn’t make good business
sense. Marriage is not a business dea to me, but it is to him.
We have been together for four years now, living together
for 3. Moved 12 hours away from all our family and
friends. My middle school daughter is with us.
I am not happy about it. In fact, heartbroken.
I don’t know why it’s so darn important to me, but it is.
I cry a lot about it, but try not to in front of him.
I just need people, women, to commiserate with. I don’t think
he’ll change. I want him to love me enough to marry me. :(

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Addie
July 21st, 2015 at 8:10 AM
My boyfriend and I have been for 2 1/2 years , going on 3 years come August 17th. Whenever I bring up marriage he tells me that he is not sure if he wants to get married. I think he’s scared that things will change between us. I believe things don’t have to change between us. (Which I have told him before) also, I think the fact his mom has been married and divorced 3 or 4 times plays a big part in it. My parents are always asking when is gonna ask, I tell them I don’t know. But the thing is that, my dad is sick, he has CIDP..CIDP (Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy) is a rare disorder of the peripheral nerves characterized by gradually increasing sensory loss and weakness associated with loss of reflexes. It is also part of Guillian Barre syndrome (GBS). He has had it for 3 1/2 years now. He is in constant pain all the time. We don’t how much time he has left, the doctors don’t know either. I pray he lives for many more years. But my dad is one of the reasons I wants to get married. It is one of my dad’s dreams to be able to walk me down the aisle. So my dad wants to know I’ll be taken care of if anything happens to him. Well my boyfriend and I were watching a tv show Thursday night. On the show this couple were getting married. One partner was excited and other partner didn’t want to get married, he was doing it because it was what his partner wanted and (this was a same sex couple, that’s why I am using “partner”) his partner’s mother was really ill. Well this co worker of his, “told him that if he didn’t want to get married he should not have to.” Well when she said that my boyfriend lightly nudges me and was like “uh huh”. Well I got a little upset about it and didn’t say a word. He asked me what’s wrong? I told him I didn’t want to talk about because we can never agree on that certain subject. He is really great guy, he takes care of me and treats me with love and respect. Tells me I’m beautiful all the time ( even though I don’t always that I am, I’m sure us females think that from time to time) he told that night ” I love you so much, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and you make me happy, happier than I can remember in my life.” I know he means it but I can’t understand why he doesn’t want to get married. Ive been hurt and emotional over this ( I don’t show it around him). I’m sorry this post is long.

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jlynn
July 25th, 2015 at 9:10 PM
My relationship is the same way …I can tell he loves me ..he says it and he shows it. It’s hard to understand why he doesn’t want to get married when we both love each other so much

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Pam
July 31st, 2015 at 9:57 AM
It seems this dating for lnger thing with no mariedge is a fashion for men. I hv been with my bofriend for 8 yrs since varsity. I was never into mariege nor against it. However aslo never made a mistake of telling him i never wanted to get married. I was just cool. We had a frndly relationship and we were loved and admired by many ppl around us, couples
saying we inspire them. We never fought as he is very gentle. 3 Yrs later since we started dating, we were blessed with our daughter who is now 4. Still no maridge didnt bother me as i was 22 and him 23. I started worrying when my frnds relationships that developed after mine started leading to marriedge. Some of those frnds even hv kids from previous relationships. Ppl around us asking questions, when is our wedding, whats going on, y wait so long etc. This got me worried. He just keeps posponing to the next yr, the yr comes he complains abt money then postpone to nxt yr, the nxt yr is the same story. I got sick of his empty promises and accepted a proposal from another gentleman who has been watching me since i was a teenager, dreaming that one day i will be his wife. Dont get me wrong i was not cheating if u know that guy and gal kind of a frndship, where a guy usually wants more than a frndship but still settles for onky frndship. Thats the relatinship i had with this gentleman. While the lobola thngs r being arranged by families my bf talked me out of this new plan, begging that i give him another chance, apologised for making me feel ike he doesnt need me. Being a woman u know how much we want to hold on. This guy i hv been with him since tertiary, never was sexual active before committing to him and we hv a daughter together, thats not something i want to throw away. There i was back in his arms. Today im four months pregnant with our 2nd bby and guess what hes still the same. No lobola, no marridge. Just a sour relationship filled with empty promises. So i decided to focus on my work, kid and my pregnancy so i told him to keep the furthest distance from us and enjoy being free. He insists on coming to visit us andit drives me nuts bcz he comes unannounced. Im soo angry at him yet im soo calm. Currently hes got my silence treatment and i plan not to involve him in my pregnancy.

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Katie
August 16th, 2015 at 4:52 PM
I’m going through a similar experience. I’m
20 years old and have been with my 37 year old boyfriend for nearly two years now. I love him to pieces and he loves me too. However he never wants to get married or have kids. Not with me not with anyone. Before me he was with a woman for 8 years on/off. They ended because he refused to marry her. I’m going crazy as I want to stay with him as I love him a a lot but I’m also thinking should I cut my loses before holding out for more pain. Also he’s recently lost his job so this has caused him to become irritable and snappy and negative towards me. This upsets me a lot as he has said some hurtful things to me that make me question our relationship. PLEASE help anyone who has had experience of something similar to my issue. No one is able to help me, friends and family just say to me “it’s your decision” and they can’t tell me what to do.

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jlynn
August 19th, 2015 at 8:54 PM
I am in the same boat when it comes to my boyfriend not wanting to get married …however I have had the pleasure of having kids and I was married before but we didn’t get along too good. ..I am torn between leaving and staying because I love him ..if I was your age and the guy told me he was never having kids or getting married I would leave without question..also you say he’s negative towards you because he lost his job…do you really want to be with someone who is emotionally and verbally abusive when things don’t always go his way? If you really want a happy ending than this is not your guy..

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Jananne
August 22nd, 2015 at 9:53 AM
Katie – in your circumstance I would say leave without question. You are so young and have so much to give to a future partner/husband and family. You will ONLY have pain if you stay with this guy…..being irritable/abusive AND not giving you what you want. If you think about it how will you EVER be happy? If you leave, it will be painful for a while but as we know that will pass and you will be free to find someone who treats you right, and who can give you a family. Cut your losses girl – you need to move on to be happy. Good luck x

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amru
August 30th, 2015 at 9:23 AM
I m wid a guy its 7 months till now he wants to get married BT he can’t leave his family too … Wat can we do

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jlynn
September 7th, 2015 at 8:25 AM
What do you mean he can’t leave his family?

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Crystal
September 5th, 2015 at 1:49 PM
My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 months and he finds it hard to propose because he works all over the world and every time I asked about it he says it’s in God’s hands what should I do I am thinking about breaking this relationship for good

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jlynn
September 7th, 2015 at 8:22 AM
15 months is still early to be worrying about when the wedding is however if he seems to be acting like he never wants to get married and you want to its best to end the relationship before you are sitting on here like some of us who have been in a relationship for 10 years and wondering when and if you are ever going to get married ..

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Rita
September 17th, 2015 at 8:21 AM
Good Morning! Where to begin? This subject has been eating at me for sometime…I am in a monogamous relationship and very much in love! He says I am THE one? Long story short, we both have been married before and with the WRONG people! He is still legally married to his second wife, who was abusive(verbally and physically)…his first wife was a HUGE mistake(only cared about the $$)…as far as our current situation, all he can give me is a PROMISE but I want more! We are both in our 50’s and have a GREAT relationship. We know who we are and what we WON’T settle for! Am I asking for too much to want MORE? He keeps saying that the courts will “rake him” IF he divorces. How do I separate myself EMOTIONALLY from this desire to gain security? DO I have to? IS this an insecurity?

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jlynn
September 17th, 2015 at 8:22 PM
First of all why be with a man that doesn’t want to divorce his wife? Never mind that you can’t get married to him … if you want a divorce bad enough you don’t care what you lose believe me

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Charlene
September 17th, 2015 at 6:19 PM
Ive been with my boyfriend for 5yrs. We don’t live together however I have a daughter from a previous marriage. He still lives at home with his parents. Im 30 and he is 28. He does not want to get married or have kids (fine with me) We go out alot though.. Bars baseball games concerts when we get a chance. We have friends that we always go out with and have a good time.. All his friends are either living together or married but he still is happy how he is. He assures me that he loves me and I think so too but I’m tired of going over his house like a teenager in his parents house. I want to build a home with him. I just don’t know what to do. Maybe I should move on. Any advice?

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jlynn
September 18th, 2015 at 8:56 PM
If you can live with the fact that he doesn’t want to get married than that’s fine ..but if he at least ain’t going to take a step forward and live with you I wouldn’t waste another year or else you will never find the one that does want the same things as you …

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Bem
September 21st, 2015 at 5:59 AM
My boyfriend and i met in a dating site when i was in a tourist visa in another country. The first date was him coming into our house bringing his home-cooked filipino cuisine(he is an autralian btw) the second date followed by him inviting to tour me around the city. He was liked by my family in australia so every occasion he was invited and he was present. He was vocal on our very first dates that he want ti be married to me. Kids and housing stuffs were always on our coneversations. When i went home he became so sad but we continued talking but it came to a point where he became so cold and we were fighting all the time because he has lesser time for me. Changes were so identifiable so i then decided to have a break and he agreed. Thinking that it will be so hard for me, i was begging for him not to leave but he said we just always argue, we have lots of differences he cannot see me in his future.then i stopped. After 3 days without communication he messaged me last hour on my birthday and he confessed that he was sorry for him being cold and illogical of his actions. He said that i am a great person and he wants to be the best boyfriend for me and he said that we can make a good future. Without second thoughts i replied and accepted his apologies. He has been so good then. It’s like we were in the honeymoon phase again(on a long distance relationship though) now i am confused because when i asked him about marriage he told me that he loves me and he wants to be with me although he is not rushing into marriage because he wants to spend several years with his partner before finally settling down. He will visit me in my country in november. I took up ielts in the purpose of getting

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Bem
September 21st, 2015 at 6:00 AM
Student visa he said that if i won’t pass we will make a way.

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Bem
September 21st, 2015 at 6:03 AM
We are now on our fourth month. I am confused if i still will continue our relationship or give up.
Shelly
September 24th, 2015 at 1:41 PM
I have been through a failed marriage. My SO has too. We are both in our 50’s. He has always been fairly upfront about how he feels about marriage. He says he will never get married. He says its “just a piece of paper”. He says he has seen too many people in dysfunctional marriages. He says he doesn’t want to ruin what we have. I want marriage. Well, let me rephrase that. I wanted marriage. After much soul searching over the last several years I have come to realize several things. I am over-the-top happy with my life as it is. Would a marriage make me happier? I don’t know. Some days I’m saddened that it will never happen but most days it doesn’t even cross my mind anymore. I have a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally. He is honest, fair, trustworthy, hard working and committed. The chemistry we have together is like no other. We get along very well. I have many friends and acquaintances that are married and miserable every single day. They are having affairs left and right. I wouldn’t trade my life for that life for anything. What we have is unique and he loves me with his whole heart. I know he does by his actions and his words. Marriage is not the end all..especially if you don’t plan on having children. Just because he doesn’t want marriage is no longer a deal breaker for me. I truly appreciate and value us as committed partners and lovers for the rest of our lives. I know he does too. We don’t need a piece of paper for that. For those of you that won’t budge on the marriage issue, do some soul searching yourself before you lose something amazing or get out before you waster more time. Life is to short to not be happy.

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Rita
September 28th, 2015 at 7:39 AM
Hi Shelly! I enjoyed reading what you have to say about your relationship…sounds like you have the perfect person for you! CONGRATULATIONS!! I also wanted to say THANKS for sharing how you feel. Like you, this is not my first rodeo or my second! It is however, the FIRST relationship that feels 100% RIGHT! It may be a little “late ER” but FINALLY I found a man who understands me and wants the best for me LIKE I want for him!! WE CLICK!!! There is nothing we can’t talk about or a situation we can’t fix…in the beginning I thought “too good to be true” but have since stopped to realize that Ken is for real and is not going anywhere AND we weren’t ready for each other UNTIL we met(match.com)which was a year and a half ago! So, what I am saying is maybe just maybe, you have a point! My life is FULL of love, trust, compassion and loyalty which is coming from BOTH sides so, why can’t I be thankful for FINALLY finding a person who is NOT abusive, a liar, cheater or scum? Maybe it’s MY insecurities that it is easier for them to leave if there isn’t a ring on your finger…who knows?

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Shelly
September 28th, 2015 at 3:08 PM
Hi Rita! Thanks for sharing YOUR story! Congratulations to you too for finding true love. Happiness is all that really matters right? In the end I will know that we stayed together because we truly loved each other, not because of a piece of paper, or for financial reasons. My SO did give me a beautiful ring to show his commitment to me and our relationship. Honestly, maybe it sounds material, but it helped. I guess it’s just the symbol on my finger as a reminder that he’s “mine” and his commitment to US. We’ve been together for 4 years and I can’t imagine my life without him. I have never been happier. All the best to you and yours! Don’t let a piece of paper ruin something so many people are searching for. I do believe it’s rare what I’ve found and it sounds like you found something rare too. I sometimes think that we go through things for a reason, the battles, blood, sweat and tears have made me ready for the person I am so happy to be today! Simply content. The hardest thing I struggle with is how to introduce him. He gets different “titles” depending on the circumstances. 😂
jlynn
September 30th, 2015 at 9:10 PM
I have the relationship like you both …its perfect other then the fact he won’t marry me …the problem I have isn’t exactly that he won’t marry me it’s that he won’t tell me why he won’t …he says he doesn’t know … I just don’t think I can ever settle for this if I don’t know why I’m settling ..if something happens to him I have no say medically or anything …whether I stay with him or not I am considering buying a house because he owned the house before we met and I’m sure his son will probably throw me out …
Confused
October 1st, 2015 at 5:34 PM
Hi JLynn.. Wow I can’t believe how similar our stories are. I feel the same exact way. My “boyfriend” and I don’t live together yet, but I’m reluctant because I know his son would throw me out too if something happened to him. I brought it Up and he said “oh I don’t think he’d do that”! Oh yeah rite!! Well I’m not going there.. I will stay where I am and that’s that! I am getting sick of it really.
jlynn
October 3rd, 2015 at 5:51 PM
Yea when I mentioned it to my boyfriend he said the same thing ..it’s agrravating when you are afraid to make a house your home and buy things and decorate because you never know what’s going to happen …but honestly if he told me he would marry me and leave everything to his son I would probably still marry him but I would start saving to buy another home that I could rent out than move in it if something happens…I just don’t know how long I could hold on to this relationship if he doesn’t love me enough to marry me ….
lana
September 29th, 2015 at 7:32 AM
i was with my boy friend for 1 year and a half and we were sooo in love but when i poped out the question of marriage he told me that he doesnt want to get maried in his life…Never…I tried to discuss the subject with him many times and he was like we stay together as BF GF or we break up dt ever think about marriage,i tried to know why but every time he yelled at me so we fought a lot and then he left me…

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labhdi
October 14th, 2015 at 8:48 PM
he didnt deserved you girl :)
they are just to satisfy their thurst of been with someone.

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Jananne
September 30th, 2015 at 5:14 AM
Shelly, I too have come to arrive at the same decision as yourself…whereas the marriage issue was once a deal-breaker, the loss was too much and once I felt assured that the issue was not about me, but rather the marriage itself (both of us twice married, he lost a lot financially in both, and feels that every time he finds happiness it goes wrong and doesn’t want things to go wrong with me!). So, like yourself, I have the odd day of feeling saddened, the relationship with him is always so lovely and committed, and we plan to buy a house together next year., so that I feel so happy/content and certain of his love. I am lucky to have found such a kind, caring , generous and good natured man. I still mention marriage, he knows I would ultimately like that, but why would I throw what I have away. I think its different if there are problems in your relationship, and non-communication, or if you want children. Its kind of easier perhaps if you are older and have already been down the marriage route as we know it doesn’t always end happily ever after. To people like myself who are otherwise happy I would say stick with what you have, cherish your second or third chance, and be prepared to let go of ideals sometimes for the gift of a loving partner. To younger women, perhaps wanting children, or without having the sort of happy relationship you deserve, your man is extremely unlikely to change, and in that case – as a general rule – the only way you will have a chance of finding happiness will be to move on. Or accept it. Never wait for a man to change his mind. Its not likely. Wishing everyone luck, and happiness x

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Seriously hurt
October 9th, 2015 at 10:13 AM
Some background on our relationship. We have been together for 4 1/2 years. We bought a house together 3 years ago. (but because we aren’t married I opted not to be on the paperwork. It makes it easier if we didn’t stay together) we went on a vacation to visit my mom a year ago and all he talked about was wanting to get married and couldn’t wait for me to be his wife and looking at rings and so on. A year later and still no engagement. He doesn’t mind talking about “trying to get me pregnant” but marriage is not even spoken about. We have both been married before so there wasn’t a rush before all of the talk about it. I just don’t like it being dangled in my face and then nothing. Besides I would rather be married before having a kid. Also if something were to happen to either of us the other would be screwed financially. I tried explaining to him that at least if we are married if something were to happen the other would get social security for their spouse in the event of a death. It is hard not to think like that. If he were to die I have nothing. His life insurance goes to his mother. (his choice) I have never been the pushy person to get married, but I am 35 and having kids before marriage isn’t something I want. We don’t have all the time in the world. Cause fertility decreases in women trying to get pregnant after 35 and I already have issues in that department. I just don’t know if I have the right to be upset. I don’t want to lose him but when is enough going to be enough? I don’t want to have just a “boyfriend” anymore. At 35 you feel rather childish saying you have a boyfriend. I just don’t know what the problem is with men. They can play house, say they want to get married, and never actually do it. And us women are ridiculous if we demand more? Ugh it is just frustrating.

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Shelly
October 10th, 2015 at 10:36 PM
Hi Seriously Hurt-
I can’t say blame you. In my situation I’ve already had my children and won’t be having anymore. If I was in your situation I would want to be married before having babies. By any chance do you live in a common law state? Does your BF say he does not want to get married anymore?

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Hannah
October 30th, 2015 at 7:17 AM
don’t do it! Ihad two children with my boyfriend and he still isn’t ready to commit to marriage. I too am sick of calling him my boyfriend and I would like to have the same name as my kids. Tell him you don’t want to have a baby before your married and that time is running out so he better propose

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labhdi
October 14th, 2015 at 8:45 PM
hi.
yes guyz I have been also goin in same situation .
a guy loves me but is afraid to say now becoz he said that he can be in a live in relationship with me but wont ever marry me.becoz me dont want to see me as his wife. its really painful.
and now I have planned to be in live in relation with him and ditch him .i think thats the way guys wil know our importance.

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solana
December 7th, 2015 at 8:08 AM
Im 23 and iv been with my b.f for 7 years naw,he is 24.he say he love me and that he want to have kids with me,he show me he love me,he say that he will never let our relationship fll apart,but it hurt me wn he say that he never want to get married.evn if he love some1 with all his hart he will nevr gt married.i dont knw wth to do anymre.i fil sad evrydy.we dont hv kids yet.but we r trying,but nw I fil like wht ar my doing,he wil nevr marry m nd I dont wna hv kids wt a guy who wnt marry m.i left him 1 day but he came look fr me.he say he dont wnt 2 live wt out me.he evn cry fr me.but stll he dont wnt to gt married.i lve him so mch.bt I fil like I deserve bttr.wht shuld I do.plz hlp

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Jlynn
December 7th, 2015 at 9:09 AM
I would never have a baby by a man that doesn’t want to marry me…

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Feddyup
December 12th, 2015 at 3:44 AM
I am in a relatonship and have been for 3 years, he told me from the start he never wanted to marry again as did I. Our relationship is great, we get on well, stay at each others houses etc he says he’s committed to me but I have changed, I want to marry him and be proud to be his wife, I wanted him to be proud to have me as a wife to me it is the ultimate committment and show of love. I’m not afraid of marriage and look to the future not the past but I wonder now if we have a future as we both want different things. I tried to end it last week but just couldn’t pluck up the courage to do it. I’m 47 and the thought of starting another relationship in the hope of being settled scares the life out of me. He’s told me he’ll buy me an eternity ring to show he wants to be with me and I am the only person in his life but frankly it’s not enough, I feel so sad, and hurt that he doesn’t want the same thing , I thought he might have changed his mind and share the same hopes and dreams I have, I’m not sure I can truly be happy with someone who doesn’t want me completley. I know I’ll miss him terribly, we’ve been through a lot togther which I thought would have made us stronger as a couple, in fact it’s made no difference. Neither of us has cheated, we don’t have children together but I feel so unhappy it is changing the way I feel about our relatonship. Can I be happy with someone who never wants to me marry me…..the truth is I don’t know.

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Jlynn
December 14th, 2015 at 9:42 AM
I have the same problem ..he told me from the beginning he didn’t want to live with anyone or ever get married …than one day he asked me to live with him so I moved in with him (we were together for 3 years when he asked me to move in with him)..talk about getting my hopes on that if he would change his mind about living together than surely we would end up getting married…so a year and a half later after living together I decided to bring up the subject again ..I asked him if he was sure he would never get married again and he said “not now but maybe later” so than I really got my hopes up ..now he claims he don’t remember saying that…it’s very frustrating …

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Jlynn
December 14th, 2015 at 9:43 AM
I would like to add that we have been together almost 8 years
Confused
December 15th, 2015 at 11:56 PM
Wow.. Your story sounds exactly like mine! Same amount of time together too. I agree, it’s very hurtful and to me it’s s form of rejection. Why am I not good enough? We love each other and have a wonderful relationship. I also don’t want to start over looking for someone or even Being alone. There is so much more to it than these guys can even start to imagine. Security, retirement, combining homes. I’m not giving up my home to have no security in his. So I guess we will remain boyfriend and girlfriend.. It’s stupid!

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Jlynn
December 18th, 2015 at 7:31 AM
I have lived with him over 4 years but I am seriously considering buying a house for myself. I don’t want to spend most of my life with somebody just to have something happen to him and having everything that both of us worked on together being tossed out the window
Jananne
December 13th, 2015 at 8:11 AM
Hi Freddy
I have posted a few times before but as your situation was so similar to my own, and being the same age, i thought I would respond. the sentiments you expressed echoed mine exactly too. Our relationship will reach its 4 year mark in March. Like you, i want to be his wife, and have him proud to call me his wife. It was a deal breaker for me, so earlier this year, around the three year mark we broke up over it because he just did not want to get married (again). He didn’t want us to split up, he just didn’t want to marry. He explained that when he had married before, it had gone wrong for him, and he didn’t want to lose me. even though he almost lost me by not marrying!!!! However the reality for me was that however much I wanted to marry him, at 47 wanting security and to feel settled, I didn’t want to lose him either. After lots of heartache, tears etc etc I just wanted to be with him. I still want to marry him. I remind him from time to time, I get my hopes up, and then realise that he doesn’t want to change his mind, and we continue to make plans to buy a house together, and he continues to be the man who makes me happy, who shows he loves me in hundreds of ways, who takes care of me, and who I know will be my forever partner – because he tells me this. Its a bit of a stale mate….some days it matters more than other days……sometimes I think I don’t want to marry him. I didn’t think I could ever be happy, and think it would always be an issue. Sometimes it is, but mostly it has become less of an issue. In the past Ii did feel extremely hurt – how could he not want to marry me? As I have grown more aware of his love, and certain of his commitment to me in all other ways, it has become less of an issue. I still want to get married, I still harbour that hope, I will still hint from time to time, but I have a great relationship and overall I am happy. I thought marriage was everything, now I have come to accept its not. Life is precious, as we get older the more chance that illness will strike, and I think its important to value what I do have, because the alternative is far worse. I am not in a bad situation – its just not quite what I thought I wanted.
With your situation, he has been honest with you from the start, but you thought he would change his mind. He clearly loves you and is happy to commit to you in all other ways, and perhaps like me, it hurt quite a bit when you realised that no matter how good your relationship is, it hasn’t been enough to change his mind. Then be honest and ask if its your ego that is bruised, and is it really that big a deal. We know there are other fish in the sea, but thye are not alwsy that easy to find or catch. If you want to marry him its becasue he is the perfect partner for you. So for me the question was, if I found the perfect partner why would I let him go becasue it wasn’t in the right packaging. If I could walk away, I couldn’t really have wanted to marry him for the right reasons perhaps?????
Believe me, I have been through all this turmoil and when hormones are playing up, that turmoil rasies its head but we have many lovely times together and the future looks very promising and if I accept things as they are, I will have a partner who loves me and cares for me, and who I am happy to be with. Its all to do with perception you see x

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Jlynn
December 14th, 2015 at 9:49 AM
Great advice ..when I am feeling like crap over wanting to get married maybe I should get on here and read this post

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Claire P.
December 27th, 2015 at 6:16 PM
I have been with my partner for 5 years, we were due to get married in 2014. 8 weeks before the date he changed his mind and i was left to deal with telling everyone. A few months later we discussed it and he told me he was going to ask me again. Over a year has passed in which time we have had a baby, and he still hasnt asked. Tonight i tried to talk to him about it and all he could say was i dont know. Im heartbroken and gutted that i dont have the same name as my daughter. I was never interested in marriage before i met him but now, and especially since becoming a Mum, its really important to me. I just dont know what to do. We have argued and i am still none the wiser as to why he called it off in the first place, why he told me he was going to propose again and why he hasnt. I just want the security, the commitment. I dont even want a ring! Just for him to tell me that he loves me and is commited to me. I cried my heart out and he ignored me. I’ve shown him all the love i can, i have been there for him and would do anything for him. My head is battered with going over and over the reasons. He wont tell me and i cant make peace with it until i understand it. Can anyone offer any advice? x

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Sunny
December 29th, 2015 at 1:21 AM
Claire:

I am sorry to hear about your situation and can tell it must be very painful. Many years ago, I was in a similar situation – minus a child – and I remember it well.

Please do not compromise on what YOU want!

It is completely okay to want marriage, a family, the ring and the wedding.

For whatever reason, HE does not. So stop waiting and stop negotiating in your head for less and less.

This is a terrible example for your child who will end up angry and confused about relationships.

You are both parents. Figure out how THAT is going to work financially, emotionally and spiritually.

Because if having a child isn’t the catalyst, there isn’t going to be one.

These probably feel like harsh words. And I understand that.

Stop deconstructing this relationship and start building a good life for yourself and your child.

Even if that man made the romantic gesture, it’s too late IMHO. He’s unable to be consistent and this will plague you for years.

Commit to want YOU want out of relationships. And go off an be a good mother!

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TheTruth
December 28th, 2015 at 12:54 PM
Well it certainly does take two to tangle. Even for us good men still looking.

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Jlynn
December 29th, 2015 at 9:44 AM
This weekend a day after christmas was almost the worst day of my life …after pushing my boyfriend for marriage the past 5 years he had a breaking point ..he told me that from me pushinf him to get him to marry me and me being nasty sometimes about it he has started losing feelings for me ..he even told me he had boxes out in the garage for me to pack my stuff in… I asked him to give it 2 months and see if our relationship can be repaired..he agreed to that ..I hope I didnt destroy his love for me and I now now even though I will always be hurt over not being able to ever marry him that hurt wont even compare to what it would hurt to lose him…it has been 2 days and all I want to ask him is if he still loves me because I just cant stay if he doesnt ..I am going to ask him in about a month …so just think is marriage more important than losing the man you love? I now know its not and I can only pray its not too late to repair the damage I have done to our relationship and pray that he still loves me

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
December 29th, 2015 at 12:20 PM
Dear Jlynn,

Thank you for sharing. We are sorry to hear of your difficult situation. Please know that it may help to reach out to a therapist or counselor. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but if you would like to talk to someone, you can use our website to search for a practitioner in your area.

To obtain a list of health care professionals in your area, enter your ZIP code here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in finding the answers you are looking for.

Kind regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team

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Jlynn
December 30th, 2015 at 9:54 AM
Thank you…
Jananne
December 30th, 2015 at 12:24 AM
Jlynn – I went through a similar experience earlier this year (you may remember me posting about it). I felt the marriage issue was a deal breaker and when he wouldn’t agree to marry me I felt I had to leave. But the reality of losing him proved to be far worse. I had a great relationship with a !overly man, and almost lost him. I went back because I loved him and knew we will have a good future together. OK it hurt that he didn’t run after me. And I still want to get married ! But there are other things I want in life that I can’t have either and sometimes we just have to accept a situation, and be happy with what we have when its a good thing. Life is too short to waste, and good men and good relationships are hard to come by. Enjoy your relationship for what it is -its the only way to be happy. Build your relationship back to what it was without that marriage issue. Because if you love him enough to want to marry him, you can prove and show it by being with him without getting married. You don’t need to sacrifice any thing -just know what and why you are doing it. And good luck x

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Jlynn
December 31st, 2015 at 7:46 AM
Thank you….right now we are getting along pretty good….the only thing that is bothering me is when he said he doesnt feel the same …he was mad when he said it and I want to ask him so bad if he meant it and ask him if he still loves me …however I think I should wait a month to see how we are getting along…I think its to soon …it is eating me up though

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Jlynn
January 1st, 2016 at 2:58 PM
So last night we were getting along really good so I decided to ask him if he loves me …he said “its to soon to tell you right now we are suppose to giving it a month or 2” …..I am definitely feeling frustated right now….
Confused
January 2nd, 2016 at 6:47 AM
That really hurts.. Too soon to tell? I don’t like it. I asked my boyfriend a few months ago about a commitment ring since he doesn’t want to get marrieddddd… His reply to me was “I think we need to work on our relationship before we can think of something like that”! Wow really.. All because he was wrong in the situation he’s referring to. He’s a great guy but has left me out and doesn’t communicate when he’s with his family. This is his mom, dad, sister & her husband. He ignores me when they are there.. Whole other issue.. Ugh! He’s always sorry and promises not to do it again. Whatever. Anyway, it was after an incident of that when we were smoothing things over that I asked him and that was his stupid reply!! I thought for sure for Christmas or my birthday which is 4 days before Christmas… Nope. There was a little box at the bottom of the gift bag.. I was slightly excited.. Opened it up and there a little jewelry box.. I see the sticker .. Made in China and pray it’s not a commitment ring now. It wasn’t, it was a bracelet. Nice but I don’t think it’s real.. Whatever. I don’t know what to think anymore. One good thing is I just got a nice raise at work so I can afford to keep going by myself. I’m NOT selling my house and moving in with him and have no security.
Jlynn
January 3rd, 2016 at 8:10 PM
I have a good job so I know I can make it on my own…I don’t want our relationship to end and I know it will really hurt more than what I am hurting now because he won’t tell me if he loves me for 1-2 months to see how we are getting along…however if he can’t tell me he loves me I have to move on ..I know time will heal the hurt of a failed relationship but it will never heal the hurt of living with someone for the rest of your life that doesn’t love you….that is endless torture and something I can’t do
Jlynn
January 5th, 2016 at 8:39 PM
So yesterday I came out and said “I know you don’t want to tell me you love me because you are trying to get me to quit asking you to marry me but I have to know right now do you love me or not” he said “yes I love you but I can’t stay in a relationship with you if you can’t stop bringing up the marriage issue” I told him I can’t stop my feelings on this issue but I will not bring them up to him …I also told him not to ever say he doesn’t love me again or I will leave …
MQ
December 30th, 2015 at 2:29 PM
It’s sad to see, we are all in the same boat.Long term relationships 3,5,7,10 years and nothing close to a proposal..a few empty promises, sometimes even hint that they would be interested only to take it back.I have heard all the excuses of why he is not ready, and I don’t need anymore excuses.Although I love him, and he is special, I’m not happy like this.It’s something I think about daily, that haunts me daily feeling that I am not enough.For that reason alone, I think it’s enough to move on.Tired of excuses, tired of no hope of a commitment, tired of feeling this way.Why do I have to be the one to make a compromise for his comfort.

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anna
January 1st, 2016 at 12:35 PM
Im in the opposite situation. My boyfriend of 2 years wants to propose, but Im not sure I want to marry him. We broke up for a few months and got back together, and everything seemed better. But now I am unsure again, and afraid that he has already bought a ring. I really care about him, but Im still not sure if he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is just so certain he wants to be with me, and the thought really scares me. He is divorced, so has some experience with things not working out. I also understand he is almost 40, so wants to start a family and time is running short. Thats not a reason to get married, just feel selfish for doing this again after getting back together and now being unsure again. I feel like you should be sure, but again things are not like the movies – and even the couples that were passionately in love dont necessarily work out in the end.

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CJ
January 10th, 2016 at 1:50 PM
It’s very comforting to read the comments of others on this topic. It’s easy to feel like you are alone and the only who has felt this way.

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years, we have owned our home together for nearly 3. We both are professional people with good incomes and steady jobs. He loves me and takes care of me, he is a very good man and I love him dearly. The last couple of years the idea of marriage has come up more and more… From me. I love the idea of being married and always have, I want a pretty ring and to commit to someone for the rest of my life and I feel like I’ve found that perfect man. But alas, here I am writing my first ever comment on a website I just found today…

We have discussed the idea of getting married, tried on hundreds of rings… Even had some fun doing it! But when it comes down to us really thinking or planning something else more important comes up – we buy a new car, go on an expensive trip, buy extra shares in his company. Whatever. All good stuff, but all stuff that I think could wait. I’m starting to lose patients, we have had several arguments about me wanting to get married and him simply not believing in marriage, in fact he thinks it will ruin our good relationship. I have compromised wholly on a wedding, agreeing eloping would be the best for our relationship, even agreeing that I don’t need a proposal that we would do it all in one day! This is a big step for me. I am definitely that girl with 100+ pins on Pinterest about the perfect surprise engagement and all the cool Facebook posts to follow. I agreed I would put all that aside just to be with him. He mentioned maybe September would be a good time to elope so naturally I began looking at venues and dresses! Making the mistake of showing him. Yesterday I had to ask, were you for real about eloping in September? It took me likely ten minutes to get that question out because I always feel so embarrassed talking about it. He accused me of becoming obsessed with the idea or marriage that it’s weird how I already had a Pinterest board going with dresses etc. He kept calling me obsessed and putting me down , I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. He’s never made me feel hurt before. So belittled. We haven’t spoken in a day and a half. Major record for us. It hurts so much. I don’t know what to do. I love him but I want to be married. I don’t care if he doesn’t. Why does that trump me wanting it? He will give me anything to make me happy. Except this. I can’t help but think it’s me? Maybe he really is just waiting for someone else to come along. I can’t imagine that to be true. But maybe? Why else wouldn’t he just do it. Why has be humoured me for so many months looking at rings and even my Pinterest boards? Only to act like I’m psychopath when I ask him if he’s for real. I’ve been clear marriage is what I want but I don’t know how to get through to him. How much longer do I wait?

Well. That’s all for now. Thanks for reading my rant, I actually feel a lot better.

I wish all of you the best and hope you find someone worthy of your life.

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CJ
January 10th, 2016 at 1:56 PM
Hi. I just commented. Will you please not publish it?? I just needed to vent and now I really don’t want my comment published. Please. Thank you.

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TheTruth
March 10th, 2016 at 6:04 AM
Like they say, it takes two to tangle.

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TheTruth
March 10th, 2016 at 6:11 AM
And with so many women being very selfish and very spoiled these days which really speaks for itself why there are many of us Good single men out there which we really Can’t blame ourselves at all when the Good old fashioned women of years ago were Never like that at all which it would’ve been much Easier for us men if we were born at a much Earlier time when many of us could’ve been all Settled down already with our own Good wife and family too.

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Jlynn
March 11th, 2016 at 9:57 PM
Its the old days where women were actually spoiled …It’s the new age where its hard to find a good man that wants to work hard and not live off welfare and social security at the age of 30… I am a single independant woman that doesn’t need a man to finance me …I can finance myself but for a man to be called a good man and be respected as a man in a relationship than he better know a good woman when he sees one and treat her with the respect she deserves before she looks elsewhere!

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Jlynn
March 11th, 2016 at 10:00 PM
Its hard to be old fashioned as a woman when man aren’t old fashioned …I refuse to live with my mother until some man rides up on a white horse and takes me to his castle
Harriet
March 16th, 2016 at 2:05 AM
Wow I cannot believe how many people seem to be in the same awful boat as me. Bit late to the party (hopefully half of you are engaged/wed by now) but yesterday was our 9 year anniversary. We are mid twenties and have talked openly about marriage for years. We own a house together (thirty year mortgage is a pretty big commitment to me) and my partner has always said he wants children desperately. His parents have been together for 30 years and are completely solid but they never got married because his mother was forced to marry very young an abusive partner before she met my other half’s dad. I have always said how much I want to get married, having kids terrifies me although I would like them but certainly not before we are married because I want the same name as my children. My parents have been married for over thirty years. My partner has crippling shyness. He cannot talk in front of people publicly. I have said to him I would get married in a tiny office just us two and a couple of witnesses, but he said he wants to do it properly. He has told me he wants me to be his wife and he has no doubts about our relationship but he cannot drum the courage to do it because of his shyness. He is an only child so if he doesn’t have children his family dies out with him! He is the most amazing human being I have ever met and treats me like a princess but this is the one thing that comes between us. He knows how much it means to me and yet he still won’t ask me to marry him. I am so heartbroken today I could not face going to work because I know everyone will be asking me if he has popped the question and I honestly think I would burst in to tears having to tell them again, no, he hasn’t. I don’t know what to do. I am 27 now and starting to really want children, and he knows I have come round to it now so I think he is hoping I will give in and have a baby without us getting married and it will just never happen. It hurts so much! I just don’t want to wake up in twenty years and think I didn’t do the things I wanted to because of this.

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Crestfallen
April 27th, 2016 at 10:40 AM
I just found out from someone that overheard my fiance/girlfriend on her phone talking about us that she has “no plan to marry him (me) but would never say that to me”
I fell so deceived. I love her but the trust has just gone out of me at this point.
Do I confront her with this or just part company and give a generic “This isn’t working for me”?
Damn it, I cannot believe what a fool I’ve been played for.

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arisha
May 7th, 2016 at 4:31 PM
I am 24 I am engaged to my boyfriend we have age gape of three years he is younger than me and we were student at that time so he promised he will marry me after completing stdy and getting job now his is very close to commited time but when I asked him abt marriage he said can’t marry untill my parents say yes but they do not want him to even marry me for more years I said ok I’ll wait until they say yes but he said if they say no I can’t cross their words I am very hurt and unable to deal with this situation . He said there is no doubt about marrying you but not untill my parents say yes . . I am very attached to him but I don’t feel safe in just being engaged I want to marry but every time I talk about marriage our discussion ends on arguement . He clearly says u can move on if its getting late for you and sometimes says don’t leave me . I don’t know what to do I am very hurt and depressed as I really love and want to be with him he too want me but he has reasons sometime study smtime job then parent thn money how to convince him its not fair to say someone he may or may not marry even if I wait even we are engaged.

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Jezzy
May 16th, 2016 at 6:01 AM
I’ve been divorced and never want to go through that again. Yet at the same time, I could see myself marrying my boyfriend. The other part of me feels like, don’t do it because I am afraid of past events repeating (divorce) or if we marry, our relationship changing. So I think I like the idea/possibility of marriage in the abstract. if he asked me to get married I’d probably say yes but I still have a part of me that is terrified of being married again.

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Kyle
May 27th, 2016 at 9:08 PM
One thing a lot of women need to stop with is this claim that if a man doesn’t want to marry, that he is not willing to “commit.” Commitment and marriage are not one and the same. Plenty of couples can be unmarried with the man fully committed to the woman and plenty can be married with the man uncommitted and/or unfaithful. That a man doesn’t want to marry you doesn’t mean he isn’t committed to you. A lot of men are fully willing to stay with their woman forever without being forced to, it’s just that they don’t like the idea of “having” to stay (i.e. being forced). Some women have mentioned giving the man an ultimatum, but IMO, I would drop any woman that tried that with me, because that shows that she can’t really love him. No one can truly be in love with someone else yet be willing to just toss the relationship out the window because the person wouldn’t sign what amounts to being a legal contract. IMO, such ultimatums show that the wedding and idea of marriage are what is most important to such a woman, not the relationship itself with the man.

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Jlynn
June 7th, 2016 at 3:50 AM
I tried to make myself believe that if a man doesn’t want to marry you it isn’t because he doesn’t love you until I found myself 8 years into the relationship and dumped and him telling me he doesn’t love me … thank goodness though I found a wonderful man that wants the same things I do in life …I will never again settle

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Kyle
December 17th, 2016 at 10:27 AM
Do you think that if he had married you, that he wouldn’t have dumped you still? If you got eight years into a relationship and the guy dumped you, then it is all the more good for the both of you that he did not marry you. Otherwise, either he would have become miserable with you, and you possibly with him as a result, or, he would have cheated on you, and then a divorce would have happened, or he would have flat-out divorced you period, either way, then you would have had to go through a divorce which can be a really hair-raising experience. Because you were not married, you just ended up dumped and free to move on. And yes, never settle!
Your experience IMO is all the more an example of why people should IMO never marry.
prenee
January 1st, 2017 at 6:15 AM
I don’t disagree with you but some manner of legal protection for both parties is warranted since none of us can predict the future. In my situation I requested a Cohab agreement since we both have assets and when one of us dies the other person is protected from greedy relatives. So in the long run some type of legal contract should be completed in case of illness, death, etc. Refusal to do so is tantamount to not caring about the other person’s welfare.

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Gerda
June 13th, 2016 at 6:53 AM
I am in the same boat. I do everything for him for 5 years now. He even bought an enagement ring and all of a sudden he decided he wants to wait longer and doesnt know till when. I was married before for 35 years, he only for 10 years. Thing is, he keeps talking about it and as soon as we really start talking about it, he retracts. He asked me to move in with him a couple of times, which I did for a week or so as each time he will ask me to leave again. So I decided I will not move in with him anymore as this is way to unstable. Like you say, next thing is now he is upset. But I am sticking my ground. He said he doesnt want anyone else near me, but yet…..i can only now see him IF he says its ok. It is so confusing… what the heck…i decided to start looking out for another, why not?

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prenee
January 1st, 2017 at 6:03 AM
Do not move in with him again. You have more control over your choices not living with this man who appears to manipulate you into agreeing to what he wants. He sounds commitment phobic. If he truly wants you on a permanent basis you would not be in your current situation.

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TheHonestTruthOfAll
June 29th, 2016 at 9:34 AM
Well that is certainly very much the problem today for many of us Good Single Men that really wanted to get married to have a family which now the women are Nothing at all like the Real Good Old Fashioned Women were back then that made it Easy which today for us it is very Difficult Unfortunately since it really does Take Two To Tangle. And now with so many women that have their Careers making a very high salary are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, and so very power money hungry which really speaks for itself since so many women want the Best and will Never settle for Less.

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julie
July 5th, 2016 at 7:02 PM
I met a very handsome guy online. Since my previous bf started to ignore my texts , I did not want to go through the same crap again with this new guy. I told him very clearly before exchanging numbers that I am interested in marrying a guy only and am looking for a serious commitment . He diligently obliged and said he too was looking for the same. I also explained to him that I am a bit darker in complexion as compared to him, not a size zero figure ( as he could see by the pics) and of a different race. I explained that hopefully these won’t create any issues or hurdles later on in the relationship . He sounded very optimistic and said that he had no problems with my skin color , race or built and neither would his parents . So we starting having long and romantic conversations over the ph. I month later , he turns around and admits that he never ever wants to get married. I burst into tears after hearing this venom from his mouth and knew that he had fooled me royally . He deeply apologized and verbalized that he was not ready . I am treating him just like a friend now and know deep in my heat that it”s just bull-sh$t…..not ready means ….i am ready to sleep with hundreds of other women and not to be tied down to one !!!!

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Polly
December 7th, 2016 at 2:58 PM
Did you ever actually meet him Julie???!!!

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Pallavi
August 21st, 2016 at 3:30 AM
Hi all,
I am 26 and i am in commitment with a guy who is 25. he’s the third person in my life whom i loving so much more than anything. in my first commitment, the guy left me because of some differences may be we were in too young commitment that was during my 12th standard till my graduation and then we broke up. there i had to make compromises to be with him in terms of my behaviour way of thinking and all. for second time, it was not exactly a commitment. we were friends since school and i met him again in my post graduation. we were best and close friends. may be for the comfortness we had with each other made me to get feelings on him. but, here i knew we would not get marry and he cant get committed to me. because, his parents are against inter caste marriage. so i never forced him to get committed with me. gradually, i was controlling myself not to have feelings. after i expressed my feelings for him i could notice changes in him. that as a friend he used to share everything with me about meeting his friends where he goes what he does for a day. but, after i expressed my feelings, he was no where like that. i found changes in him that hurted me very badly and so i decided to move on. after this incident, i met a guy where i said he’s 25. he’s the one who made me strong to live my life when i was all alone and depressed on my second failure. he taught me what’s life and how we should be to make happiness and space for ourselves. we started chatting and calls we became close to each other with our thoughts. he’s kinda guy who wants to live his life differently in his own way. gradually we became close to each other and started loving each other. even without a proposal anything. we are like a couple who stands by for each other, we love spending time with each other. its been almost 2 years of being with this guy. i never felt so special with anybody as i am feeling with this guy. best thing i love in us is we both are exactly like as we wanted our dream guy or gal to be. even he says, i am kinda a girl how he wanted and i have him like how my dream guy has to be. we both love each others individuality where there is no need to change ourselves or compromise for anything. as i said, he’s kinda guy who wants to live life differently. he dont want to get married!!! :( :'( i said him, fine as you dont want to get marry, i cant be close to you physically where everything else remains the same as now. but, he says without that closeness i cant be just friend for you. instead he talks like we are very happy being together. you will simply lose it thinking about future. nobody can predict what happens next. i cant make words and break it later. from day 1 i have told you i want to be alone in life. I love you so much and want to keep you happy but at the same time i cant get married also. He says, i ask you to be with me as now. i even said, being a gal. i cant take decisions on my own after 2 years as that time decisions would be in my parents hand to search a guy for me to get married. I said, being close with you in all the way how can i accept other guy to marry that time. that would be a big time for me to face in my life. :(
I am in big dilemma should i continue with him now or should break up with him????
should i stay happy with him considering he might change his mind to marry me in future or break up with him????
honestly speaking, he’s very good guy i have never seen in my life. he takes care of me like a baby, he loves me more. he never flirts in bad way, he never hide anything with me and also he never lie to me!!!! Best thing is he understands me really well that nobody ever could.
i can bet, i will never get a guy like him in my whole life. what i feel is as i have got best guy of what i deserve i dont want to leave him so easily. i feel lets take a risk to wait patiently and change his mind.. other side i feel even after i tried if he didnt change his mind how should i accept other guy in his place, which i dont want to :(
one thing, he too cant stay without me. at the same time he has the ability to control his mind and to move on in his life.
so, i feel if i leave him now, i may lose the chance to have him in my life. where i could have changed his mind staying with him doing some efforts and i also feel even after trying everything if he’s not ready what to do??
pleaseeeeee somebody help me in this!!!!
this is the first blog where i have come for seeking help for my life’s problem. i just hope you would help me :(
i love him alot and i dont want to lose him :'(
i will be waitingggggggggggggg
Please please help!!!! :(

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Liz
December 27th, 2016 at 11:03 PM
Hi, pls correct me if dont understand my english. I’ve been with him for more than 8 yrs now (and he loves me so so much). And he keep avoiding to discuss marriage. The reason? Because i’m a divorcee with 2 teenage boys. It hurts me. He grown up in a very conservative family. Please advise, what am i suppose to do? Pls dont ask me to leave him…..

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And6130
January 1st, 2017 at 5:39 AM
I’m not really in a position to give advice but I will say that the psycho ex wife statement pops up quite a lot in my experience, don’t be in too much of a hurry to believe everything you hear about his ex, you could become that awful crazy ex in a few years and frankly, men who say horrible things about the mother of their children are potential abusers.
I’ve been with my partner for 26 years, our son is in his 20s now and moved out at 18. Initially I wanted to get married and felt the same as you do. I can’t tell you how awful it was watching my friends and family members get married, I used to feel like bursting into tears. I used to be a university lecturer and I always had my own property, I have a lifelong medical condition which became very difficult to live with once I reached about 38, we bought a house, I put my money down as a big deposit as I was about to be medically retired. I was not allowed to have my name on the mortgage due to my medical status so he told me he would have my name put on the deeds. This was ten years ago and it has never happened, my financial situation is dire and my condition is now completely disabling, I found that whenever I disagreed with him about anything, he would threaten to sell the house.
I have no security, no money, nowhere to go and if he died his mother would love to see me on the street in a cardboard box. You have no legal rights whatsoever if your name isn’t on the mortgage. Trust me, the nicest loveliest man in the world can turn if he starts to feel that he’s totally in control.
I’ve found myself feeling very alone and I’m now considering assisted suicide as I would rather end my life now while I still have the capacity. Having your long term partner say to you “I’m tired of waiting for you” because you’ve had another operation and the recovery has been long, is so insulting. I grew tired of waiting a long time ago.
It’s very easy to Lord it over somebody when you have no legal rights. I’ve he’d have wanted me to have that he would have married me, now I know why he didn’t.
It’s easy to walk away while you’re young and healthy.
Marriage is a lot more than just a piece of paper. I believe that once you have a child with somebody, if they don’t marry you within a few years at least, the never will.
The worst feeling is the thought that he could meet somebody else when I’m gone and marry her. I’ve seen it happen so many times, women who put their wants and needs to one side, also no children because he doesn’t want them. They split up after 20 or 3o years, usually when she’s past child bearing age. He meets somebody 10-20 years younger, marries her and has children! I wish I’d have left years ago.

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55alive
February 2nd, 2017 at 11:06 AM
My girlfriend and I are both divorced and dating for 3 years. I’m separated divorced for 5 she for 14. I would marry she would not be we are committed to each other (monogamous). The issue I’m having is that she is the person most important to me (i have 4 children 18 and older from previous marriage she has 2 21 and older), her children are the most important thing to her. I love her but I’m having a hard time coming after her kids. They don’t live at home and they are not needy, but when they come around any plans we’ve made get broken. Now I wonder if I can deal with that or is this just part of a mature relationship and I need to adjust. I was married for 25 years and did everything w/my ex. It’s just different now, a new paradigm but I still feel there is merit to putting the one i’m in a relationship that I truly love first. Am I off base?

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lmrn2010
February 26th, 2017 at 9:59 AM
Don’t get strung along waiting for him to marry you, if you want to get married and have that life. End it. Move on. You will never regret it. I’m with mine for 26 years (15 of that cohabiting, now 2 kids) and he still doesn’t want it, now I don’t want it. I mean, I DO, but after all this time, it’s a mess. Have dignity and love yourself enough to move along.

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P.Renee
February 27th, 2017 at 8:15 AM
This is true no matter the age of you or your partner. Getting married is an act of respect and protection for a female who cares about herself. I say move on too.

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gerda
March 6th, 2017 at 11:55 AM
sometimes i think he is emotionally unavailable and immature. i mean, why did he gave his number to a young women at a BAR and kept if from me for 2 years. I could never talk to him as then the normal ignore starts for months on end i used to beg etc but somehow i have stopped now. after months being ignored again all of a sudden he wants me funny….over 5 years it was like this. i have decided not to take him back though as once again he told me no affection for some time mmm again its stringing along. for HIM to control this relationship and I was stupid enough to allow it to happen. This time i am done. The times i went there and his gates were locked while he has someone else over and i kept going back. Not any more. I never deserved this. Actually I am cured of wanting to get married let alone live together. I just dont know yet HOW to put it to him that its done, as now I see him on my terms which is an hour a week and boy he cannot all of a sudden cope with it. Well, I had to endure it for over 5 years. I have come to the conclusion it was utterly disrespect from his side. Immature. Blame games. Ignore. Disappearing acts non stop. So if one think about it, it was actually a one sided relationship me hanging on for dear life. Yet i loved him with my whole heart. I took the crumbs he dished out. the drinking the fake promises, the lies, the putting down and in these past 6 months him ignoring me again, i met someone else. Much more mature. I am not even going to mention this to him I just need a little bit of courage on how to go about telling him he will never ever see me again. As with over 5 years constant ignoring me taught me to live without him and the past 6mnts him ignoring me changed me tremendously it actually sank in that I do not need to live a life like this I did not deserve this and I do not need any validation from him at all. He is a man child who really hurt me really badly but i am coming along step by step just fine. Thanks for letting me vent.

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gerda
March 6th, 2017 at 12:09 PM
Sometimes now I think its best I be alone for rest of my life. No stress No nonsense. Because why do I put myself out there for this? I also realized I was the one who made the decision to be in a relationship and i choose to go back time and time again. Not all is the same I know, but is it really worth the effort? Words are cheap. Promises are made. And nothing ever gets followed through. Its like why buy the cow if they can get the milk for free. Well then LIVE without a cow ! its so true what experts say and that is NEVER EVER believe a man’s words, LOOK for his actions…..uugghhh

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Laura
March 14th, 2017 at 3:48 AM
I’ve read most of the previous comments. I can relate to much of them. I have much to think about. I’ve been in a relationship for just under 6 years. He has known how I feel about marriage from the start. We’ve been through a great deal together. He lost his job and was out of work for quite some time. I have gone through breast cancer and treatment. I took care of his terminally I’ll father before he passed. I am now disabled. I do everything I can for him and I love him to pieces. I often put his needs ahead of my own. I have always loved fiercely and completely. He is the one who pursued me. I don’t know what to think or feel. He’s 48 and I am 50.

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P.Renee
March 15th, 2017 at 9:00 AM
Why commit to you when he already has you. You have already demonstrated your commitment to him so he doesn’t have to do any more for you. In addition, you said you put your needs before him. Well, what a good deal for him! You are still young so get out now. Someone will find you since you sound pretty terrific. There are too many men around who would appreciate you, love you, and marry you. What are you waiting for. Marriage is the ultimate commitment……a loud shout to the world that you make together……a declaration that is heard on many levels. You are still on the bottom floor waiting for the elevator to arrive.

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emma
May 20th, 2017 at 12:46 PM
So I have been seeing someone who is engaged to his fiance and going to be married in November. He says he wants to leave, but now she works with his company and he fears of losing his job and looking like a complete asshole. Everyone knows they are together. She wants to get married and he doesn’t but he did propose. What should I do, do you think he will walk away, or just wait for her to realize he isn’t that great of a guy even though he provides a lot for her.

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Jez
May 22nd, 2017 at 6:00 AM
Is he engaged to you or someone else? If he is engaged to someone else, walk away from him.

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Kate
June 6th, 2017 at 12:26 PM
It’s comforting to hear other people’s unique stories. I’ve been with my partner since 08, living together since 2010. When we first started dating, we agreed that neither of us wanted to be married because we’d seen so many divorces, but I once said I’d never have a baby and here I am with a 15 year old son. Things change, you know. I feel like, after all this time and all we’ve shared, we’re at that point where it makes sense to put it on paper. Some days I can’t wait to see him. Most days, I feel like he only comes home because it’s easier and cheaper for him than staying at a hotel and being alone. That’s how I think he feels. If that’s all this is, I should just rip off the bandaid while I’m still young enough to be physically desirable. I’m 34 and not getting younger. We each deserve to be happy.

My friends say, “Oh, I’ve seen that before. Y’all break up and he’ll marry the next broad he dates in no time flat.” I’m a good girlfriend, better than most wives out there. I cook, clean, work out to stay fit, manage all of the bills, which I keep in my name only because his credit sucks, let him use my credit and babysit the mail to make sure he pays on time, I charge him an equal half of living expenses even though he makes in 11 days what I make in a month…I try to be wifey material, but I think I’m just a good surrogate mommy.

He has never had to wash a dish or even haul a load of laundry since we got a place together or since I bought a house. He applied for a home loan and couldn’t get it, so I applied thinking that’s what WE wanted. For a while, he said, “I never wanted to buy a home. You made that choice for us.” He went on many walkthroughs with me and we decided together. It wasn’t a surprise. Eventually I told him, “Tell ya what. I’ll charge you $500 on the $600 mortgage and you can pretend you’re living in an apartment for $1,000 a month.”

He just added his mommy as an emergency contact at the doctor. She lives 1,100 miles away! Sure, let her come get you from the hospital. I do not want to be on his insurance policy and he took that as me not wanting to be on any medical documents. I cannot debate his bills for him when mommy is his contact, but he doesn’t have time to do it himself, so all the work we’ve done to repair his credit gets squandered by a medical bill that isn’t submitted to the insurance company he pays to have. It’s frustrating that I care more than he does.

I recently told him to stop saying “Well, you can have her” when his friends compliment my work ethic, how I care for him, or how I look. Seriously?! It’s not funny. He thinks he’s being funny, but he looks like an asshole. A work friend of his was crashing on our brand new couch for over 6 months for free. One day, his friend says that he’s already discussed with BF and he will be moving his 5 adopted young children into my basement. Nobody said a word about paying anything, but he wanted to put another fridge in my basement. after BF and I talked, a coworker overheard the friend tell my BF, “Well, just tell her this is your house and you’ve made your decision.” Apparently, BF led everyone to believe he took me and my son in and that I just sat around at home being a housewife. *_* Does he want to be a husband or does he want to look like a hero?

Our 9th annaversary is July 3rd. His stepdad passed away in April and it got passively ugly IMO, so he’s going to mama by himself. I feel like we’re already married, but he just keeps on making these raw indications that he’s an ungrateful, overly entitled man child. His dependence isn’t abuse and he tries to be a partner, but I just don’t know. I want to be married, especially since we’ve gone this long, but I also pray he’ll get his shit together and be more of a man.

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Anna
June 6th, 2017 at 12:43 PM
Girl, cut your losses and run. That guy has more issues than anyone as nice as you should ever have to handle! Hes not worth you, and I’m sorry to say things will get much worse if you stay. Hugs and good luck.

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Tj
August 4th, 2017 at 2:16 PM
I have been with my bf 17years today we have 4 kids .He said i need to change to get married .i just cry all the time

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Kamama
August 16th, 2017 at 1:31 PM
I have been with my BF for over 2 years now. Moved in after 10 months of dating. I know when we first started dating he said he didn’t want to get married again (ugly divorce). At the time I was newly divorced and understood but now after almost 3 years together I am wondering if the not married comment means me too. I don’t bring up marriage at all because I fear the reply. I am also scared he is leaving his options open as he considered dumping me 4 months into dating for some chick he saw on the bike trail. That hurt. We get along so well and I also hate using the term boyfriend when we are 54 and 55! Some days I want to just leave and not look back, but then I realize how much I love him. WTH do I do?

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Stefan
August 23rd, 2017 at 11:51 AM
None of you women get it. Divorce is a financial disaster for us men. The marriage laws in ALL Western countries are fundamentally biased against men and the family court system utterly corrupt. I ended my marriage “responsibly” by paying for mediation – there were enough assets to go around and preserving them by avoiding a fight was essential – I asked also for her to put the children first and not use them as weapons against me. The offer I made was 50% and included the marital home – but no, she for reasons of greed and vindictiveness insisted on a legal fight which has been very legally destructive to both sides and has used the children as weapons to fight me for which they have suffered. She was the one that cheated. In light of this, it’s clear that marriage for men has no credibility – we have no rights or protections in marriage or as fathers yet we risk being destroyed by divorce. No man in his right mind can go through all this and not conclude marriage is a disaster for his best interests. You ladies have more votes than men in today’s world and can vote for more workable marriage laws but do not – marriage is something you feel entitled to. Remember the next time that your friend or colleague whoops with glee at taking her ex to the cleaners is the EXACT SAME REASON your partner is not marrying you.

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Anna
August 29th, 2017 at 8:15 AM
Dear Stefan, divorce is never an easy thing. I do not know where in the world you live but where I live,(the UK), things are a bit more complicated. Indeed, from observation I noticed that divorce settlement was usually in favour of women who had no professional career (I seriously do not mean it in a bad way!) and hence what they brought into relationship was homemaking and child rearing. From my perspective, the divorce left me considerably worse off financially wise because the court divides things equally, regardless of what you brought into marriage. Prenups are not really binding at all. I find it appaling when kids are used as pawns in such battles, but it does not necessarily follow that only women play dirty tricks. I do agree with you that once you had/saw what consequences of a divorce can be, it is easy to be put off the idea of marriage entirely. I am. My partner isn’t. But one thing I believe in strongly is we live in the best times ever😊. You no longer HAVE to get married or else face societys wrath. There are so many ways to have a relationship, custom made to your requirements and no one will bat an eyelid (unless it is something really extreme lol then you’ll get a TV show). I think a question everyone needs to ask themselves at some point is what you really want and why. I got married for all the wrong reasons, it ended as it did. I love my partner and I can see myself age by his side; I can say I’ll do my best to make this relationship last. I will not marry him, though, although commitment ceremony is a possibility if it is important to him. I want to keep the law out of our love. I wish you and everyone here good luck.

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Simon
August 28th, 2017 at 8:30 PM
I think the concerns in the article are valid. Marriage is no joke. My fiancée (she is 44) is a wonderful woman and we began to make plans including getting engaged. I am divorced twice (I am 54), my ex wife was a serial cheater and I’ve been divorced for only 7 months. My fiancée has never been married. Our relationship happened fast, including moving in together, pregnancy, engagement and wedding date set… and THEN miscarriage. After the engagement and miscarriage I thought I was still all in to get married. Two months later and three weeks out from the wedding I shared with my fiancée that I didn’t feel I was ready to get married. So many pressures, emotions and family dynamics at play, I felt like I just wanted to run away. We were living together and hard as I tried to communicate that I was committed to the relationship and we should take 24 hours to let the conversation simmer and not do anything we’d regret, she moved out, leaving the engagement ring. Her family and friends pretty much hate me and while we’ve since smoothed some things out, we’re no where near where we were as a couple. She moved home to her family where she had been living prior to us moving in together. I feel like I did the right thing, you have to follow your gut. I just wish she would have honored our agreement to wait 24 hours before we did anything rash, but I know she was upset and it was emotional. What a mess!!!!

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jenna
September 21st, 2017 at 9:59 PM
Dear STEFAN
I get what you are saying but there are always 2 sides of a coin. In my case after 7 years I never initiated marriage, I discovered he cheated on me muliple times always ghosting me for months on end. We not kids anymore me being 60 and him being 61 thing is why ASK me to move in and then keep asking me to move out. financial implications are major at out age we all know that, but to live together is NO GOOD as the older one gets where to go if men suddenly decide they want a younger girl? Or being asked to WAIT for him while he explores? So no, I walked out. It hurts like hell but know what? Western countries or not, there is no such thing most men get financially stripped by women as if you look around, just look how badly women cope after a divorce especially those with children. Actually the laws are not working in anyone’s favor. I dont think its good to get seriously involved with anyone after this age as its too risky. I see this on a daily basis men passing away and leaving the new wife stranded with debt and kids involved etc. Its difficult to cope in situations like this. So yeah I would rather go for your place and my place situation and nothing more. Furthermore what Anna said above is basically valid. One should ask oneself WHAT do we want out of a relationship is it worth it what VALUE can the person bring to YOU as a person. And to keep finances apart. One doesnt have to get married nowadays its true but its also true that no marriage for MOST women causes havoc. Thing also is that in todays time with social networking etc opportunities are available around each corner which makes it that much harder for people in general as well as like ive seen in courts from a certain age things can get a bit dodgy when choosing a life partner as people start looking for BENEFITS which in the end backfires. People cannot really cope when older alone financially and healthwise so the search for someone doesnt include being in love. I also do not agree that once one has a life partner in living together perce, the other one has any right whatsoever to part of settlement should things go wrong, thus its better keeping things apart. But the older one gets, the more stability one seeks, that I’ve noted as well. Now stability comes in many flavors. Its up to each one of us to choose the flavor. For me at 60 its being by myself rather. Being married 35 years and dated one for 7 years after that. I also want to advocate that its not a good way like I did investing financially in someone so to be cheated on for years. So in the end its best not to invest financially at all and stay like bf and gf but each at own place etc. I wish I can emphasize the magnatute of what I see in courts the damage thats done the older one gets when breaking apart. Its no good.

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xinia
March 6th, 2018 at 9:25 AM
we have been in a co-hab relationship for 23 yrs. we both have been married before with grown up and married children. he does no want to marry. when I ask, he just says, no reason, just dont want to. Is this normal. We are both seniors. I feel I’m just being convenient. I’m still very active and full of life. What to do after all these yrs. I feel I have no protection if anything should happen to him. What to do?

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Anne
March 6th, 2018 at 11:08 AM
Have you ever talked about what you want from the relationship? Have you ever discussed marriage? Do you share finances? Im asking because if you have things you own together, like a house, then if marriage is out of the question then I would suggest open discussion about options. Depending where you live you may get a legal entitlement to certain things (in the UK, you can have a legal document drafted which states clearly what happens in case of partner’s death etc). One of the reasons I guess he may not want to marry again is because he wants to leave his estate to his children. Im only guessing here as i am more or less in a similar situation. I have a child from previous marriage and i want the things I own to go to him. We have discussed this with my partner and we are comfortable with this. The thing is, we both work professionally and both have separate assets. That means that if I died, my partner would not be kicked out of the house, for example. He also has his own pension. Perhaps honest discussion about what troubles you would be helpful? He may not know what is driving thoughts about marriage. Big hugs and good luck.

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Jenna
March 7th, 2018 at 9:36 PM
I was in the same boat. He said he will leave me his home etc. Its too risky. One friend of mine believed her partner abd when he passed she lost all. So i moved out once i saw what happened to her and she was not only one. Somehow i am stonecold now and decided its best if we see each other just weekends the anguish i saw us older women going through is not for me. We give all we nurse we love we support and in end are left with legal fees court battles as courts give first priority to blood relatives ive seen women getting married 2nd time too same story even if he said in will she gets house his children can contest it. So i sorry to say i turned stone cold and will not assist help support any man ever again. We cannot live on promises. Even if he drew up a will ive seen some took it further and changed that will without you knowing and we stupid enough to continue be a nurse and support FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS all on THEIR terms. So no. Im out.

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Anne
March 8th, 2018 at 11:17 AM
Dear Jenna – I feel for you. I really do. What I was trying to say is that once you have been married before, and especially when there were children, things get complicated. I’m a woman. My first obligation is to my kids. I would not be comfortable if things I earned during my life went to my partner first then to my kids second. This is my situation, though. My partnerwanted to get married. Despite all the conversations we had I kind of think he still thinks it might happen. However, because I wanted to have everything in the open, we have both our own houses. We split expenses equally. I will not have any claim on his house, he will have no claim on mine. Unless we buy a house together, are both legal owners and pay it off together. Again, matter of local legislature. Things are really complicated as you get older. Thats a fact

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Jenna
March 9th, 2018 at 1:29 AM
Dear Anne you are so right you know. We are older things are complicated. For me, I think its best to just have friends. Nothing else. I moved out. We both have our own homes. Children grown. I think the older one gets one realizes that things are different. I for one, do not mind share household expenses etc but nothing else. I also came to the conclusion that one doesnt have to be married nowadays, but also that one doesnt have to be a FWB for someone else. At our age we can never say what is going to happen in the future. Yes my children also comes first so does his. Its difficult decisions these but still its better not living together perce. I get what you say and I agree fully. In my case he wanted me to share ALL and I wasnt prepared to do so as HE decided when to see me so yes I made a mistake in assisting him with all his needs household chores included and not ONCE did he assist me at my house etc. For me, that was a lesson learned. For ME it was unacceptable that he made it clear after 7 years that all he has was going to his family one day but insisted that mine should go to him as my kids all moved abroad. Then said I should sell my home and that WE will invest the money together etc. I refused. So I walked away. What it did was to proof to me he never loved me……
Jenna
March 9th, 2018 at 1:43 AM
I was married before for 30 years I am on my own now 10 years of which Ive given him 7 years. I am 60 and he is 58. I just dont think at my age one can play around the way he did. He is still working very good income but so is mine. The question I asked him repeatedly over the past year was WHY say he wants marriage but then keeps retracting it. UNLESS I share ALL? Its unfair. For ME so I then eventually because of this proposal going up down all the time eventually said I dont want marriage anymore. Wouldnt you know it, then all changed. Then the cheating started and eventually he came around and said ok, he will get married now buttttttt I must sell my house ag and other things like I stated above. I refused and walked away. It wasnt easy and still isnt easy. But I know it was the right decision.

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Anne
March 9th, 2018 at 11:50 AM
Oh Jenna, I’m so sorry to hear you went through all this. There are unfortunately some ‘insert name here’ which are abusers to call it nicely. It seems he wanted to absorb all your things without giving anything back. To my mind, he was a cheat/scammer who would leave you with nothing and although it is hard, I think you’ll better off if you just keep it casual. I doubt he’d marry you, by putting demands like ‘give me everything before we marry’, he’d rid you of any legal right to proceeds or rights to demand your share if he died. I think the hardest thing is to find a relationship where two people would be willing to find a compromise that would suit both parties. I’m sending you lots of hugs!

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Jenna
March 10th, 2018 at 12:51 PM
so true…..somehow i never listen i really need a slap.
Anne
March 16th, 2018 at 1:15 PM
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Unfortunately, we sometimes come across people who do not deserve to be in our lives. Ironically, this is why I could not marry anyone ever again.

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Jenna
March 16th, 2018 at 3:14 PM
Thank you Anne. I feel the same. Still very much heartbroken but i try keep busy. Xx

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JEN
July 12th, 2018 at 9:54 AM
I am on the fence about marriage, the 2 last relationships my boyfriends wanted to mary me. I see all these advice columns about women trying to get men to want to marry them. There are many reasons men are afraid of marriage, but certainly once they think you are not going to leave, or are tied down with kids, they arent as motivated to get married to prevent losing you to someone else.
I am a very independent person, and can be just as happy doing my own thing as with my partner. This mentality often throws guys off, as it opposes the sterotype of the needy girlfriend trying to trap them into marriage. Im not opposed to getting married altogether, but I think people marry for the wrong reasons. If I did get married, I would want it to be about the actual commitment, not the extensive planning and debt that most couples end up with to start their new union. All that unnecessary extravagence for one day? I can see how men and some women would dread this. Having a biggest and best party doesnt make your relationship last longer. If anything, it adds monetary stress that is the number one cause of fighting. Id prefer a civil courthouse and backyard bbq minus the added stress. Spend that money instead on traveling together or down payment on a house.
Have a heartfelt discussion about your expectations. Ask them the reasons behind why they dont want to marry. Maybe there are issues you can address, or maybe they really do not see you as a life long partner. If you really feel its a deal breaker that this person can commit – then its probably best to open yourself up to finding someone who can commit. It is much cheaper and easier now than through a divorce because one or both of you were not really ready.
It is also possible not to marry, and be perfectly happy. Id suggest this if you both are equally able to be self supporting, as not being married means you aren’t entitled to a lot of things. Your partner can name you as a beneficiary on many things, even if you are not married.

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Clyda
August 5th, 2019 at 12:58 AM
Men who balk at marriage, men who won’t even seriously discuss the idea with the the woman they supposedly “love” are a total waste of time and energy. The old fashioned expression for this behavior is: “Stringing her along.” It means that he’ll continue in the relationship as long as she’ll put up with him calling the shots, but when she presses for a real commitment, he’ll bolt and/or throw a tantrum. Best advice? Simple: Kick the coward to the curb and move on. Honestly, this type of guy really isn’t worth the effort.

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Anne
August 5th, 2019 at 10:45 AM
I think it’s a bit harsh. I am a woman who balks at marriage although I can discuss why I do not consider marriage as an option. There are so many reasons people may have for not wanting to get married which have nothing to do with not loving the other party or not wanting to commit. For better or worse, life has changed – the normal course of life where you finished school met a gal or a boy, got married and lived together until end of days regardless of whether or not both parties remain happy together or not are long gone. I’m not saying it’s good or bad, just stating the fact. Suddenly it seems things are much more complicated. The complication may or may not happen to you. But if someone has experiences how bad it can get if a marriage goes wrong (first hand or by observation) may be reluctant to sign the contract. Rather than treating it simplistically (my way or the highway) I’d try to understand the reasons and motives. Theirs and mine. Then you can hopefully find a compromise that will suit you both and good luck😊!

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Rick
August 11th, 2019 at 11:36 AM
Most single women nowadays unfortunately just want to sleep around with different men all the time which they will never find the time at all to commit to just only one man since they like to party all the time and get wasted. In the old days the great majority of the women were very old fashioned and wanted to get married since they were real ladies, and the very complete opposite of today altogether. What in the world happened to these women today? Oh i know why, Feminism.

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Omome
December 15th, 2019 at 8:01 PM
Great article!

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Jason
May 28th, 2020 at 8:21 PM
Better idea… Never get married, EVER !!!!… Live together (but only if you really really have to).. Getting married.. stupid, stupid, stupid… STUPID!!!!!!!! idea….. If you don’t think so now….. just wait !!!
trust me….

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Mark
September 11th, 2020 at 6:05 AM
Funny how very easy it use to be to get married in the old days for many men that had no trouble at all meeting women. Today it has become so very difficult for many of us single good men just to meet a good woman just to date since many of us really do want a very serious relationship, and most women are very unfriendly just to say good morning or hello too since they just don’t want to be bothered at all. What in the world happened to the women today?

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Stan K
October 31st, 2021 at 10:15 PM
Notice how almost every woman in this forum wants to get married and ignores any LEGAL consequences of marriage for men.
They’d rather walk away than understand or consider a man’s point of view, consequences of divorce or legal risk. Please, walk away, cause I will find your replacement soon.

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Bojana
November 3rd, 2021 at 7:53 AM
My fiancee is in love with another woman and cheating on me. Should I marry him? Help me

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anonymous
January 19th, 2022 at 7:33 AM
So i have been with my girlfriend for just over 10 years. I bought the dream house etc. We lived together for 3days a week and for the rest of the week shes lives in her own house accompanying her Dad. Shes now decided to buy herself another house for her Dad and herself. So when I asked about marriage im told it wont change her life . So am i wrong to have thoughts that shes securing her future and here am I trying to build a life together?

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Jessica
April 29th, 2023 at 3:14 AM
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 12 years, we have a 4 year old together. I adore my son more than life but he was a big surprise as I was told at a young age I wouldn’t be able to convince. All I have ever wanted in my life is to get married to feel that deep true love. That someone loves me that much they want just me for the rest of our lives. There’s no divorce in either of our families or traumas around marriage and I now feel like I’m forever stuck in this relationship feeling worthless and unloved knowing no one else will want me. I made a promise to myself when we had our son I would never want to break up his mum & dad as I always want him to feel secure and be able to grow up with both his parents in the same house.
I struggle massively with my mental health and my partner is a truely wonderful man & father but I just can’t fill this deep painful void that he doesn’t want to marry me. I feel that I’m not good enough for him and don’t deserve this commitment. His response, isn’t a house & a child a bigger commitment. He said that if I made him choose he could do it but he would always resent me for it. I’m so desperately low and need some guidance. Every time we go to a wedding ot breaks me a little more and we have a family wedding to attend in September for my younger cousin and I’m so happy and excited for her but in deep pain knowing how I’m going to feel all day with all the it’s your turn next comments making me die inside. I just need to know what I can do to stop wanting marriage so badly because I know he’s a wonderful person and we could have the most wonderful life if I could just get over myself.

Please help

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Mimi
April 15th, 2024 at 9:42 PM
Hello.. feels relief after reading all above comments that I am not alone in this situation.
Both of us are in committed relationship for last 15 years. Both of us never married yet and never have kids before. I am 36 and she is 35 years. Both lives together, buy house and share everything together.

But she not want to get married. After asking multiple times, she is ignoring this topic or saying I still need more time. My mom and dad is old and want to see me getting married.
For me leaving her just because for a reason that she is not getting married will be a wrong decision. Previously I use to think that she is not committed to me, but now over period of time I don’t want to ruin something for price of paper which I will never get again and that hurt will be more than hurt that she is not saying yes to marriage.

To understand more, her parents were divorced 2 times when she was kid (before meeting me) and she mentioned same sometimes that when we were kids myself and her sister had difficult time to see mom and dad. After two divorces her mom and dad are still together and lives in same house, back to living together shortly after being separated.

I feel this can be the reason, I not know exactly but this is what I feel. Feels sad many times that I am unable to make mom and dad happy, not thinking anything for myself as well. Always trying to understand her as well.

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Brianne
May 20th, 2024 at 12:21 PM
I am in this situation at 39 (female, no kids, never married, almost 40). Known him for 10 years, together for 8 years. He is 58 and very wealthy (ex wife cheated on him with women for 15 yrs took 40%). When we met he did not want to get married again because of divorce, and just wanted to have fun , but after dating a few years I told him I wouldn’t compromise and just be a girlfriend forever. I made the mistake of moving in with him after a year and a half. I was in a really bad apartment and it wasn’t safe to live there, otherwise I would not have moved in. I was going to just stay at his place while looking for a new place, but never left. I didn’t like living with him without being married, We had many fights about marriage, etc….He kept saying he would never marry again, I should have believed him. 2 years after dating, he did propose on a trip. Looking back he never said the words “will you marry me” he phrased it differently, and it was a very cheap ring (doesn’t matter, but tad offensive knowing he could do better). Setting a date and planning a wedding was like twisting his arm and he would get angry when I brought it up. Finally, after many discussions we decided to elope and not invite anyone. So we took a trip and had a symbolic ceremony with the intent to marry at the courthouse when we returned. Well, the courthouse never happened and 7 years later we are not legally married. When I bring up the legal part he gets angry. He even made me sign a prenup that says I get nothing under any circumstances. It is not enforceable because we still aren’t legally married, but I don’t think it matters since it says I get nothing anyway (even if he cheats). I love him and would not still be with him if I didn’t, but how much longer can I live a lie? I would have nothing if he asked me to leave because I haven’t been working due to helping him renovate his properties (doesn’t pay me, but says they are “ours”, they aren’t bc all in his name). If he kicked me out I don’t even have a car in my name, everything is in his name. I use to have A car, phone apartment, etc in my name, but he said I didn’t need them and he would take care of it. I will be homeless and penniless if he asks me to move out. He gets so mad when I mention I have nothing because he has made me dependent on him. Sometimes it feels like he loves his money and possessions more than me. It’s all really weird and I never thought my life would end up like this. I need to find a job and save $, but have very few skills and lame bachelor’s degree. Everyone thinks we are legally married. My family is strict, conservative and religious. If they knew, I don’t think they would talk to me again. I am so disheartened by it all, he has everything how he wants it and I have only what is given and it can be taken away at any time. Everything is on his terms. I believe He is a good person, but I don’t think he can comprehend how badly he has hurt me. I know he had a bad divorce, but if I signed that shitty prenup, why won’t he legally marry me? I was fiercely independent, but don’t recognize myself anymore. He has designed everything to suit himself and I am left on the back burner without any security net or commitment. It is confusing when someone that says they love you so much, doesn’t back it up with actions or commitments. Now, I do wonder if it’s for the best that we never legally married. Do I want to be bound to someone that does not want to commit to me? Am I not worth it to him? If anything happened, legally, neither of us have a say, does he want that? If he’s in the hospital I’m not his next of kin. We don’t get any legal protections. Because we aren’t legally married my parents would make decisions if I was incapacitated, I don’t even like them! I don’t know what to do other than get a job, save $, get therapy and talk to a lawyer so I can be wiser in the future.

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Olga
May 31st, 2024 at 10:42 PM
Brianne,
this man is not a good person. When words and actions do not line up, believe the actions. Just because he “was burned in a divorce” is not an excuse to abuse you. He lied about the promise for the courthouse- he didn’t forget- he lied. If he lied about that, then how do you know he is telling the truth about his wife. You have worked for years for no pay – and doing other wifely things for him- without pay or commitment or security. It is time to leave, get a job and save money. This man is very selfish to make you dependent on him in such a situation. A bigger problem is the spiritual aspect of this. I was in a situation that I too had to vacate. I had remarried after divorcing my first husband (valid marriage) and I found out 6 years into the 2nd marriage, that remarriage while previous living spouse is alive is adultery. (See Mark 10:12, Luke 14:16 (not sure if that is the verse) , Romans 7:2,3 and 1 Corinthians 7:39. The adultery exception (believed to be a cheating spouse of one of the parties) was only found in Matthew (9:19, etc) and it only applied to the Jewish betrothal practice – which does not apply anymore in our New Testament times- think Joseph and Mary- when Mary came back from her cousins house, Joseph, her betrothed – not yet formally married, but still considered husband and wife- wanted to quietly divorce her to spare her from being stoned under the Old Testament law. (Under betrothal in that time, if a man found out his betrothed or bride was not a virgin, he could divorce. THAT is the only time one could remarry. Your ‘fiance’ – who has been holding you hostage – is not eligible for remarriage according to the Bible. You may not be religious, but God’s word is true and this life is not all there is. Adultery will send a person to he//. I vacated my situation – it was the hardest thing I ever did, but that was a little over 10 years ago, and I am okay. Can you go live with your family??? Yes, get a job, save $- do not tell this man your plan- just make a plan and leave quietly. He may try to stop you. This is a very selfish – to say the least – person. Can you make an arrangement to live with a relative in exchange for housekeeping services, etc- offer to pay some rent-try to find a job. – maybe some remote work online on a computer. I will pray for you. The most important thing is your soul. God bless you-

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