When Family Isn’t So Wonderful

One of the great absurdities of American life is that the movie It’s a Wonderful Life plays at Christmas every year. It’s thought of as a sentimental favorite, but it’s a devastatingly sad movie. The first time I saw it in its entirety, it wrecked me. It has a happy ending that everyone remembers, but only after two-plus hours of watching a good man’s life gets put through the wringer. George Bailey, played by Jimmy Stewart, encounters the dark side of living in a capitalist society – cruelty, selfishness, and unfathomable greed, hardly the stuff one usually associates with Christmas. Then again, perhaps that’s what makes it the perfect holiday movie – it’s about the gap between how things should be and how they really are. 

As therapists, we get to spend a lot of time in these gaps – between how people look on the outside versus how they really feel, between social media and real life, and between what the holidays are supposed to be versus what they are. The reality is that the weeks after Thanksgiving and Christmas are two of the toughest of the year, as clients come back from spending time with people who hurt them in the name of “family.”  They must endure commentary, questions, and opinions from people they probably wouldn’t be spending time with if they weren’t related. They are additionally burdened with failing to live up to societal ideals of familial love and togetherness.  

I can tell you that for most of my clients, the holidays are a mixed bag. Old wounds get activated; old interaction patterns reemerge. When I used to go home to the East Coast for Christmas, I would awaken in the morning to my mother cajoling me to “go outside” like she did when I was a child. Depending on what side of the political aisle you are on, there is usually an aunt or uncle, or grandparent on the opposite side who wants to persuade you to agree with them. The word “family” is sometimes used in an oppressive and authoritarian manner – to get people to behave in a certain way.  “Do it for family” is often code for “Do what I say.” 

There must have been some evolutionary advantage to spending time with extended family, but I’m not sure it’s necessary anymore. People can form their own families now – in person or online, and you don’t need to rely on blood relatives for support. If you like your relatives, spend time with them, but if you’re doing this only out of obligation or tradition, you may want to examine your reasons for doing so. You will not receive any reward for being a dutiful family member, and you might gain some self-esteem by standing up for yourself and not giving in to pressure. If you do decide to go though, here are some tips to make it easier. 

1. Forget about the idea that everyone is having a great holiday and you’re not – they’re probably in the same place as you.
2. Don’t feel pressured by other people’s ideas of what “family” means. It’s often used to control and manipulate others. 
3. Keep it light. Resist the urge to get into political discussions even if you are tempted. It’s not worth it.  
4. Plan time throughout to regain your sense of self. Take bathroom breaks even if you don’t have to go and take a few minutes just for you. 
5. If you can afford it, try and stay at a nearby hotel or motel if staying in the same residence as family is too much.
6. Make your visits shorter than usual and give yourself a day or two afterward to recover.  
7. Remember that you have agency and don’t need to go along with customs or traditions that you don’t like. Spending the holidays alone is also a perfectly good option for some people.  And if you do end up all alone and are in the mood for a good horror movie, check out It’s a Wonderful Life.  

Dr. Noah Laracy is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist in Los Angeles. His book coming out in 2025 is the first book to provide a practical, actionable program for growing your courage as shown in the twelve most common fears that humans have. Sign up here for his free articles on growing your courage. 

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