What are some things with which we must cope during the holiday?
Family quarrels, busy friends, negative media focus, job difficulties, relationship pain, financial stress—all of this can leave you feeling depressed, anxious, and alone.
Let’s look at some of the most common holiday stressors:
We put our responsibilities to family—children, parents, siblings—over all other relationships we maintain. To not do so would run against the fabric of our culture and would be irresponsible.
During the holidays, family commitments increase. We envision how it SHOULD be. Where do those ideas come from? We see perfect happy families in:
Reality seems to never quite measure up and the difference causes disappointment, hurt, confusion, and frustration.
Don’t expect everyone to get along. Just because you’re related doesn’t mean you have to like everyone. If you’d prefer to spend time alone, do it! Or choose friends over family when possible.
Don’t regress to your childhood self. Watch for triggers. Take a time out, go for a wall,k or just breathe.
Remember to get regular exercise and don’t pick up mindless eating habits. Exercise and healthy eating can affect emotional well-being by relieving stress and raising spirits.
If you’ve experienced the death of someone close to you, the holidays are when memories can come flooding back. Make the holidays meaningful by acknowledging what your loved one meant to you. Don’t try to suppress your feelings. The love you felt for the person is in those feelings.
Conversely, having no family during the holidays can cause great stress and feelings of isolation and loneliness.
In this case, don’t focus on what you think others are doing—go out and do something yourself.
Because the holidays emphasize togetherness, relationship challenges are particularly difficult this time of year.
If you’re in a shaky relationship, make a pact that you will be gentle with another through the holidays. Give each other the gift of signing up for my couples workshop on Valentine’s Day weekend! (Email me for the details! Therapy@mkcocharo.com)
If you’ve recently broken up, don’t dwell on how much more fun you’d be having if you were still together. Don’t troll Facebook and Instagram to compare your sad life with everyone else’s highlight reels!
If you’re tempted to call the Ex, try to remember why you broke up. Own your loneliness. Restarting things during the holidays rarely works and will make you feel worse later on.
Aim for a comfortable holiday, not a wonderful one. Forget what you think it’s supposed to look like based on media expectations and commercialism.
Start by entertaining the notion that most of life’s disappointments wouldn’t be nearly as devastating if we kept our expectations more in line with reality.
Think back to a time when something you were reluctant to do turned out to be not so terrible after all—that delicious moment when you thought to yourself: “That wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be.”
This revelation can bring a huge sigh of relief and remind us to hold expectations in check. Anytime we assume the worst, we set ourselves up for misery, even if the reality isn’t all that bad.
Similarly, it can help to be realistic about your chances for a holiday that’s filled with nothing but serenity and happiness (hint: The odds are pretty low). Have you already forgotten about last year’s holiday dinner where everything wasn’t what you had hoped it would be? Have you vowed that this year things will be different? Of course, this wishful thinking assumes that you won’t be exhausted from cooking, cleaning, shopping, wrapping, and attending to all other holiday preparations, and that the people in your life will have new personalities!
Your holiday may not be everything you want it to be. By choosing not to set your expectations unrealistically low or high, but instead allowing events to unfold however they do, you can help to eliminate the pain of disappointment from your holiday season. It will also help to cultivate a sense of humor and learn to laugh off all the less-than-perfect moments.
My advice to you is to take a deep inventory of your relationship to the various aspects of the holiday season. Ask yourself,
The Science of Happiness has shown that gratitude is your key to unlocking happiness and inner peace.
Gratitude is being aware of and appreciating good things that happen and taking the time to express thanks. Praise and thanksgiving are an elevated form of prayer. It benefits your outlook, your attitude toward others, your mood, your health, your relationships, and your work. A gratitude-filled approach to life has the potential to enhance your general well-being both this holiday season and all year long.
To make a daily gratitude list, take a piece of paper and divide it into four squares. In the top left corner, record 10 things that you’re grateful for. These can be large or small things. Example: I’m grateful that I had a hot shower, I’m grateful that my father is still alive, I’m grateful for my friends who love and support me in good times and bad, etc.
In the top right corner, list three things that are challenging to you. Record situations, people, or any other obstacle in your way. Now write down what you’re learning from these challenges.
In the bottom left corner of your page, list five people you’re thankful for, including family, friends, colleagues, or strangers who have made your life a little easier or happier.
Finally, in the bottom right-hand corner of your page, record the best part of your day. Focus on this blessing before going to sleep. This is a surefire way to get a better night’s sleep and to wake up refreshed and eager to live another day.
The beauty of keeping a gratitude list or journal is that it trains your mind to start looking for what’s positive throughout the day.
Make this the year to lay the foundation for many holidays to come. So think about new ways to celebrate, new places to visit, new foods to prepare. By creating a fresh set of traditions you will be giving yourself and your children something to look forward to.
By replacing old memories with the new, you can make the holidays special again.
We can accept or reject our causes of stress. Our choices are reflections of who we are as people. We can control our experiences of the holidays, or they can control us!
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