My Approach to Helping
There was a 2-3 year time period (almost 15 years ago) where I seriously thought my husband was trying to hurt me, or at least didn't love me! We had already been married, raised 4 children and even been in ministry for over 3 decades! Yet we didn't understand ourselves or each other well. My husband was going through some horrendous things as a pastor, and even though I wanted to support him, I wasn't helping! I didn't understand why my reaction was so strong to him and he didn't understand why his reaction was so strong to me! Not a good situation for either of us. Truth be told, we both saw each other's reactivity a lot more clearly than we saw our own!
It scared me when my husband got so angry at his situation. I'd seen rage growing up and I was trying to convince him it wasn't all THAT bad! I didn't mean to, but I was invalidating his deep feelings of betrayal and anger. This was not a time to "Pump Sunshine!" He saw me turn from supportive wife to "aligning with his enemies". I didn't mean to, but that's what I did!
I saw him as intentionally shooting holes in the bottom of our sinking boat, and I was already bailing water as fast as I could. I was trying to keep myself safe.
Thank God I finally realized (it felt like I was giving up!) that I was NOT HELPING! I chose to be less "positive" and gave myself permission to just reflect back to him how terrible his situation was. I initially thought this would make things even worse!!!, but found that the more negative my reflection was, the more his was less negative. (It was a very tough situation!) This was what we needed!
Like on a teeter totter, the more I tried to be positive the more negative he got. When I could move closer to the middle, he could also be less extreme and we could both still feel heard. We were both less reactive!
What I know now is that my childhood need to feel safe, was being answered NO by his rage and I didn't know what to do with my fear! His highest emotional need, left over from his childhood, was triggered when I overlooked and minimized his dire situation. We were both unknowingly answering each other's highest emotional need with a HECK NO!
We react to others who regularly push our buttons and forget to find out WHY those buttons are even there! I want to help you understand why you react and help put you back in the driver's seat of your life.
Let's clarify your highest emotional need and help you take back your life! Let's identify the scramble you fall into to get your needs met, as well as your super-power, the relational gift you offer to the world. Our biggest PAIN can lead us to our life-giving PASSION!
I naturally develop potential in others and get jazzed over incremental steps toward hope and healing. I can help you get unstuck!
The world NEEDS who you were meant to be.
