Boy at school, downcast, while a group of friends stands in the background

Rejection is the experience of being pushed away, turned down, or left out. It can come from a family member, a friend, a romantic partner, a colleague, or an institution, and the emotional pain it causes is real and measurable. Brain imaging research has found that rejection activates some of the same regions involved in physical pain.

Most rejection passes. Some does not. When the fear of being rejected starts shaping the choices you make, the relationships you avoid, or how you see yourself, working with a therapist can help you understand the pattern and change your response to it.

Rejection can be hard to carry alone. Browse therapists near you and reach out when you are ready.  Find a therapist

What is rejection?

Rejection describes any instance of a person or group pushing someone away or refusing to include them. In mental health care, the term most often refers to the shame, sadness, or grief a person feels when they are not accepted by others.

It shows up in many forms. A partner ends a relationship. A child has few or no friends. A person who was given up for adoption carries a sense of having been left. Rejection also comes from events that have nothing to do with relationships, such as being turned down for a job or receiving a rejection letter from a school.

Because acceptance by others is a basic human need, being pushed away tends to produce a strong emotional response. That response is normal. What varies is how long it lasts and how much it changes the way a person lives.

What is fear of rejection, and what is rejection sensitivity?

The pain of rejection appears to serve an evolutionary purpose. Being cast out of a group once carried real risk to survival, so humans developed emotional systems that register threats to acceptance quickly and forcefully. Researchers describe a range of emotions that arise when a person senses their value to others is in question, including hurt feelings, jealousy, loneliness, shame, guilt, and social anxiety.

Rejection sensitivity is the tendency to anxiously expect rejection, to perceive it readily in other people's behavior, and to react to it intensely. It is a well-studied trait, though it is not a diagnosis in itself. High rejection sensitivity can lead a person to withdraw before they can be turned away, which produces the isolation they were trying to avoid. Over time this can contribute to chronic loneliness and depression.

Rejection sensitivity often co-occurs with social anxiety, avoidant personality, and borderline personality.

Psychological Effects of Rejection

Rejection can be extremely painful because it may have the effect of making people feel as if they are not wanted, valued, or accepted. Most individuals will experience rejection at some point in their lives. A child may feel rejected temporarily by a busy parent, or a student may feel rejected by a professor who is brusque or rude. These types of rejection may resolve quickly and are less likely to have long-lasting effects. 

Ongoing or long-term rejection may have deep and lasting psychological effects which may include: 

  • Trauma: Long-term rejection or rejection that results in extreme feelings may contribute to trauma and can have serious psychological consequences. For example, children who feel consistently rejected by their parents may find it difficult to succeed at school and in relationships with their peers. Some individuals develop a chronic fear of rejection, often as a result of multiple traumatic experiences with rejection early in life.
  • Depression: Rejection has been linked to the development of depression in teen girls; however, others who experience rejection may also become depressed. Further, bullying, which is essentially a combination of ostracism and rejection, can have numerous negative effects, including depression, stress, eating disorders, and self-harming behaviors. 
  • Pain response: Research has shown that the brain responds to social pain in a way that is similar to the way that it responds to physical pain. According to research, the same brain pathways that are activated by physical pain are also activated by social pain, or rejection. Receptor systems in the brain also release natural painkillers (opioids) when an individual experiences social pain, the same as when physical pain is experienced. 
  • Anxiety and stress: Rejection might often contribute to pre-existing conditions such as stress and anxiety or lead to their development. Similarly, these and other mental health conditions can exacerbate feelings of rejection.
  • Abuse: One study found that, in the male members of the study, the perpetration of abuse in intimate relationships was associated with the experience of higher levels of parental rejection in childhood. Symptoms of posttraumatic stress and deficits in social information processing were also linked. 

While rejection can hurt, it’s never healthy to take the pain of rejection out on another person through emotional abuse or physical violence. One study found, for example, that perceived rejection may contribute to violence or aggression against that group.

A compassionate therapist can help individuals who feel rejected learn to deal with perceived or real rejection and build social skills that may help them connect more easily with others.

Types of Rejection

Rejection occurs in a variety of contexts, and any mental health implications by depend partly on the circumstances under which the rejection occurred. Some common types of rejection include:

  • Familial rejection: Rejection from one's family of origin, typically parental rejection, may consist of abuse, abandonment, neglect, or the withholding of love and affection. This form of rejection is likely to affect an individual throughout life, and it may have serious consequences.
  • Social rejection: This type of rejection may occur at any age and can often begin in childhood. Social rejection can include bullying and alienation in school or the workplace, but it can also extend to any social group. Those who challenge the status quo or who live what is considered “outside the norm” for their society may be more prone to social rejection. 
  • Rejection in a relationship: People may experience rejection while dating or in a relationship. For example, an individual may refuse to share an event or experience with a partner, withhold affection or intimacy, or treat a partner as if that person were no more than a casual acquaintance. When an individual decides to end a relationship, this can also cause the other partner to feel rejected.
  • Romantic rejection: Rejection can occur when a person asks for a date and is denied. While this may also be known as sexual rejection, the person who is romantically rejected may not always be interested in a sexual relationship. 

All forms of rejection can hurt, and when the rejecting is done by a trusted loved one, it can deeply impact self-worth and self-confidence. While therapy can help people overcome wounds that may be caused when a person is rejected by a loved one, it can also help individuals learn to accept types of rejection that occur in day-to-day life, such as rejection by a potential romantic partner, being turned down during a job search, or while applying to college.

Businessman tosses report into wastebasket while woman watches in annoyance

Romantic Rejection and the 'Friend Zone'

Romantic rejection can be particularly challenging, especially to individuals who desire a lasting romantic relationship. A breakup, or rejection from a romantic partner, can lead to feelings of grief that may be overwhelming and can last for weeks, months, or even years. Rejection in a romantic relationship might alter the way one views one's life and one's own self long after the breakup has occurred. 

In recent years, the concept of the "friend zone" has been popularized. A person who describes themselves as being "put in the friend zone" is typically saying that romantic advances made toward the object of that person's affection were refused. This generally occurs in one of two circumstances:

  1. A person has developed romantic feelings for a friend over time.
  2. One attempts to date or otherwise seek intimacy with an individual who does not wish to pursue anything other than friendship. 

The concept of the friend zone is considered by many to be problematic. Although anyone may use the term "being friend zoned" to describe an instance of being rejected, the term is most often applied to and by men who have been turned down by women.

While many individuals may be able to readily accept that the person they are attracted to does not have the same feelings, others may feel disgruntled or angry. Some may believe that because they have been nice to an individual, they deserve a chance to date and win the affection of that person. Some may also believe that remaining friends with a person one is sexually attracted to will give that person the chance to realize romantic feelings toward the other individual and develop the desire to pursue a romantic relationship with them.

These ideas can perpetuate the notions that romantic love is superior to friendship, that individuals (typically men and women) cannot remain friends without desiring sexual contact, and that all individuals desire sexual contact (eliminating the experiences of those who are aromantic or aseuxal). 

This concept is not always used in reference to a man and a woman. When it is used in such a manner, it can have the effect of furthering the belief that when a woman turns a man down, she may not really mean it or may give a different answer in the future, thus implying that women, or any individual who rejects another, cannot be responsible for their own attractions or dating preferences and may not know what they want. The "friend zone" can also be said to contribute to heterosexist beliefs, as another basis for the concept is the assumption that individuals are heterosexual unless they state otherwise, or that heterosexuality is the "normal" sexual orientation.  

Using the term friend zone is not necessarily harmful. A person who jokingly states, "I was put in the friend zone again," may be able to accept this and move on easily. However, the concept is considered by many to be grounded in ideas that can be harmful. Thus, it may be helpful to find a different way to describe a situation where one has been rejected, and those who experience difficulty coping with rejection may find help and support in therapy.

References:

  1. Dickson, E. J. (2013, October 12). 6 reasons the “friend zone” needs to die. Retrieved from http://www.salon.com/2013/10/12/6_reasons_the_friend_zone_needs_to_die
  2. Dodson, W. (n.d.). [Self-test] Could you have rejection sensitive dysphoria? Retrieved from https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-adhd-symptom-test 
  3. Gaertner, L., Luzzini, J., & O’Mara, E. M. (2008). When rejection by one fosters aggression against many: Multiple-victim aggression as a consequence of social rejection and perceived groupness. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 44(4), 958-970. doi: 10.1016/j.jesp.2008.02.004
  4. Leary, M. R. (2015). Emotional responses to interpersonal rejection. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 17(4), 435-441. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4734881 
  5. Lieberman, M. D. (2013, October 11). Ouch! In the brain, social rejection feels like physical pain. Retrieved from http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/crux/2013/10/11/ouch-in-the-brain-social-rejection-feels-like-physical-pain/#.VeduRflViko
  6. Paul, P. (2011, May 13). Rejection may hurt more than feelings. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/15/fashion/is-rejection-painful-actually-it-is-studied.html?_r=1
  7. Rejection. (n.d.). Merriam-Webster. Retrieved from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/rejection
  8. Taft, C., Schumm, J., Marshall, A., Panuzio, J., & Holtzworth-Munroe, A. (2008). Family-of-origin maltreatment, posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms, social information processing deficits, and relationship abuse perpetration. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 117(3), 637-646. doi: 10.1037/0021-843X.117.3.637
  9. Weir, K. (2012). The pain of social rejection. Monitor on Psychology, 43(4), 50. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection.aspx